Hold the phone, you're saying marriage isn't always bliss?
The key to a happy relationship could be accepting that some miserable times are unavoidable, experts say.
Therapists from California State University and Virginia Tech University say accepting these problems is better than striving for perfection.
And they blame cultural fairytales and modern love stories for perpetuating the myth that enjoying a perfect relationship is possible.
[...]
The authors, Dr Diane Gehart and Dr Eric McCollum say it is a "myth that, with enough effort we can achieve a state without suffering."And they say healthcare professionals may not be helping the situation.
"The field of mental health perpetuates this myth with the very concept of "mental health," which implies a state without suffering," they say.But this belief can eventually cause people to believe that with enough effort they can eliminate suffering.
And experts say this is an unrealistic aim in relationships, and striving to achieve it can lead people to feel they have failed.
First, while he may be a bit Richard Lewis-y for my tastes, I think comedian Marc Maron has an excellent perspective on this fallacy that we as human beings deserve to be happy all the time:
As far as depression goes...folks, I gotta be honest with you: If somebody comes up to you and says, "I think you might be clinically depressed," You should probably say, "Well thank you. That means I'm awake. Is there any indication that I shouldn't be depressed? Are you living on the same planet that I am? Did you every think that depression might be the reasonable human response to the crap we're going through as a species, meant to propel us into the next evolutionary step? Did you ever think that's it? Did you ever think that maybe it's the people who are happy all the time that are really screwed up in the head."
Maybe it's those people, the people who are like, 'God, I don't understand it, I feel great...again!' Really? Well that's creepy and weird. Maybe you should be on medication. Clearly you're self-centered, delusional, and narcissistic.
[...]
In a lot of cases the only difference between depression and disappointment is your level of commitment.
Hyperbole? To an extent, perhaps, but I agree with him that happiness is far from a steady state. I'm usually in a relatively good mood, but that stems more from an awareness and acceptance that certain horrible realities are beyond my control, and that if I can make things better for my little circle of family and friends, hopefully that can do something to improve the greater good.
Second - and back to the article - The Wife and I have what I think is a very strong marriage. If I didn't think that before, the events of the last 18 months certainly made the case. But even before that, we always knew there were going to be rough patches and fights. But kind of like my feelings on overall happiness, the difficult times shouldn't be the norm.
Since I was young, I've heard the adage that "good relationships are hard work." Well, I think that's horseshit. I'm not saying you'll never have to put effort into your marriage, but simply that it shouldn't be the defining characteristic. If anything your relationship should be a haven, a refuge from all real world crap you deal with every day, and going home to my wife is something I actually look forward to. If spending time with your significant other is something you dread or view as a chore, you might not be in the best situation to begin with.
But that's just, like, my opinion man.
Sixteen years and counting. He still thinks I’m weird because the top of the bedsheet has to be turned down a foot over the top of the blankets. I still think he’s weird because the first thing he does every morning is take a shower and get completely dressed, including shoes, even if he isn’t leaving the house all day. The biggest argument I can remember us having was “Did you eat the last Oreo?” “No!” “Well I know I didn’t!” “It must have been the dog.” “Yeah, because he’s so good at opening the pantry door.”
If marriage is hard work you aren’t doing it right.
I came to the conclusion some while back that no one can say how someone else’s marriage works.
My theory on the whole “relationships are work” thing: ALL relationships require work. Even non-marriage ones. If you put no effort into a friendship, it fades.
Now, how hard that work is really depends on your attention to maintenance and upkeep. You can work on your relationship like someone who always keeps their house clean. By doing small amounts of cleaning as they go, the house never gets particularly messy, and no large scale efforts are usually required, though there might be exceptions when something bad and out of the ordinary happens. Or you can work on your relationship like a slob - long periods of no work whatsoever, punctuated by occasional times of scrambling madness.
Personally I prefer constant maintenance and upkeep.
It’s something my wife pointed out to me years ago that now I can’t help but to see all the time: a hell of a lot of married people don’t like to spend time together. I’m amazed at what I see and hear. Why did they ever bother in the first place?
I’m late to the party, but congrats on the bill passing. It’s good when the good guys win.