The Beast just released their list of the 50 Most Loathsome People of 2007. I think it's pretty solid, even if they include a larger number of pop culture figures (#50 Nicole Richie, #48 Carson Daly, #12 Michael Vick) than their apparent disdain for discussing such things would initially indicate. There's also the expected (#6 Rudy Giuliani, #20 Larry Craig), the really expected (#37 Mitt Romney , #23 Bill O'Reilly), and the "no shit" (#1/#2 Bush/Cheney, #13 Anne Coulter) selections.
Allow me to utilize the down time afforded by finally getting the house to myself for the first time in four days to share a couple choice excerpts:
14. Glenn Beck
Crimes: If Fox News isn't quite asinine enough for you, just click on over to Headline News, where the CNN brand is eagerly defiling its vestigial credibility by giving an hour a day to the dumbest dumbfuck in dumbfuckistan, Glenn Beck. A white-knuckle, dry drunk, closet case man-child with apparent xenophobia issues and a penchant for end-times theology, Mormon convert Beck is palpably horny for the apocalypse, passive-aggressively accusing even the world's most benign Muslims of plotting America's destruction and likening withdrawal from Iraq to slavery.
And my personal favorite:
9. You
Charges: You believe in freedom of speech, until someone says something that offends you. You suddenly give a damn about border integrity, because the automated voice system at your pharmacy asked you to press 9 for Spanish. You cling to every scrap of bullshit you can find to support your ludicrous belief system, and reject all empirical evidence to the contrary. You know the difference between patriotism and nationalism -- it's nationalism when foreigners do it. You hate anyone who seems smarter than you. You care more about zygotes than actual people. You love to blame people for their misfortunes, even if it means screwing yourself over. You still think Republicans favor limited government. Your knowledge of politics and government are dwarfed by your concern for Britney Spears' children. You think buying Chinese goods stimulates our economy. You think you're going to get universal health care. You tolerate the phrase "enhanced interrogation techniques." You think the government is actually trying to improve education. You think watching CNN makes you smarter. You think two parties is enough. You can't spell. You think $9 trillion in debt is manageable. You believe in an afterlife for the sole reason that you don't want to die. You think lowering taxes raises revenue. You think the economy's doing well. You're an idiot.
I thought we should've ranked higher, personally.
Charges: You believe in freedom of speech, until someone says something that offends you.
Freedom of speech is just for me, man. I know this in my heart. The rest of you crackaz need to check yo’selves.
You suddenly give a damn about border integrity, because the automated voice system at your pharmacy asked you to press 9 for Spanish.
I wouldn’t mind if those fucking things would be honest about it. “Press 9 for Mexican” has a more truthful ring to it.
You cling to every scrap of bullshit you can find to support your ludicrous belief system, and reject all empirical evidence to the contrary.
There is no empirical evidence to support the idea that I can’t stay home and play MARVEL ULTIMATE ALLIANCE all goddam day long on the new Wii if I want to. However, I DON’T want to, because my kids would bite my throat open if I tried to wrestle the GUITAR HERO controller out of their hands.
You know the difference between patriotism and nationalism — it’s nationalism when foreigners do it.
Well… yeah.
You hate anyone who seems smarter than you.
Because they suck, that’s why. PR-icks.
You care more about zygotes than actual people.
Zygotes are like kittens or puppies. They’re cute and adorable and cuddly until they grow up, and then you have to abandon them in the country because they’re so goddam needy.
You love to blame people for their misfortunes, even if it means screwing yourself over.
No way. I only blame people for their misfortunes when it screws THEM over, and also, I blame people for MY misfortunes a lot, too. Nyah.
You still think Republicans favor limited government.
Republicans favor a limited IRS. ‘Limited’ in that, you know, it only audits people who make less than six figures a year. Rich people should always be presumed to be honest, because, geez, if they weren’t honest they wouldn’t be rich, now, would they?
Your knowledge of politics and government are dwarfed by your concern for Britney Spears’ children.
God, those poor kids. (hic) Hey, her next kid better be a li’l girl. No point wastin’ those looks on boys.
You think buying Chinese goods stimulates our economy.
Yeah, well YOU think… you think… you… ah thhellwihyew.
You think you’re going to get universal health care.
That commie shit? No way!
You tolerate the phrase “enhanced interrogation techniques.”
Hey, bitch, I got a Wii. Fuck you.
You think the government is actually trying to improve education.
Now, to be fair, I do not so much ‘think the government is actually trying to improve education’ as I actually do not give a fucking shit if government is actually trying to improve education or not. But I would like a VR program that would let me nail a barely legal Britney Spears if that’s okay.
You think watching CNN makes you smarter.
And better looking.
You think two parties is enough.
For any one weekend, sure.
You can’t spell.
Likk me.
You think $9 trillion in debt is manageable.
If by ‘manageable’ you mean ‘an enormous cataclysmic planet killing disaster that is going to destroy mine and my children’s luxurious and decadent ways of life’, well, yeah.
You believe in an afterlife for the sole reason that you don’t want to die.
No, I believe in an afterlife cuz that midget chick on POLTERGEIST told the cute li’l kid to stay away from the light, stay away from the light.
You think lowering taxes raises revenue.
It raises revenue for ME, bitch.
You think the economy’s doing well.
Did you see that part where I had a Wii, motherfucker? Kizz my azz.
You’re an idiot.
Yeah, well, this idiot is fucking your girlfriend’s mouth on your couch right now, dickweed. Yaha!
I want pitchaz of the stripper/real estate agent chick, dammit.
Wha…? That stripper/real estate agent comment was meant to go on the next entry up.
Like Flounder, I seem to have fucked up.
Sorry.
Another line to add to #9:
You believe the over-publicized elimination of trans fats in foods will make you healthier.