I didn't review Meet the Spartans (seniority has a few perks, even at Film Threat), and I'm glad. Not just because I was spared that particular indelible stain upon my immortal soul, but because I doubt I could have put it any better than Slate's
Josh Levin did:
Meet the Spartans (20th Century Fox), the latest spoof from Scary Movie/Date Movie/Epic Movie auteurs Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, begins with King Leonidas from 300 getting crapped on by a dancing penguin who exclaims, "I'm about to make you my bitch!" It ends with-spoiler alert!-a Stallone impersonator gyrating in the outfit Britney Spears wore to the MTV awards.
[...]
Those who stick around for the closing credits are treated to the sight of George W. Bush getting kicked in the nuts. Judging by the respective approval ratings of Bush (31 percent) and the Friedberg-Seltzer comedy team (between 2 percent and 3 percent, according to Rotten Tomatoes), audiences would have preferred to see Bush, or perhaps even Stalin, kick Friedberg and Seltzer in the balls.
[...]
This was the worst movie I've ever seen, so bad that I hesitate to label it a "movie" and thus reflect shame upon the entire medium of film. Friedberg and Seltzer do not practice the same craft as P.T. Anderson, David Cronenberg, Michael Bay, Kevin Costner, the Zucker Brothers, the Wayans Brothers, Uwe Boll, any dad who takes shaky home movies on a camping trip, or a bear who turns on a video camera by accident while trying to eat it. They are not filmmakers. They are evildoers, charlatans, symbols of Western civilization's decline under the weight of too many pop culture references.
Oh behave! I mean...uh, well said.
Levin goes on to wonder what compels audiences to keep returning to these movies for further abuse. I admire his indignation, but he's about five years behind the curve. Sure, Friedberg and Seltzer have set their sights squarely on the groin of the common man, but Meet the Spartans and it's two predecessors don't each gross $18 million on their opening weekends without several million accomplices. Fucking Norbit doesn't gross $95 million domestically without large portions of our population willingly plunking down $9 or $10 for the privilege.
Face it: we just aren't that bright. I'd love to blame sneaky advertising campaigns and clever viral marketing for our national bad taste, but everything there was to be had in Meet the Spartans was right there in the trailer for all to see. Studios may churn this crap out, but they're merely maximizing profit extracted from human beings I've heard say the following actual phrases:
[regarding subtitles]: "Why should I have to read a movie?"
[regarding Steve Martin's Pink Panther remake]: "Who's Peter Sellers?"
[regarding "difficult" films:] "I don't go to the movies to think."
[regarding Spinal Tap]: "These guys are stupid. Why did they make a movie about them?"
[regarding Tinseltown's sinister gay agenda:] "Brokeback Mountain proves Hollywood wants us all to be gay."
And if that wasn't enough,In Meet the Spartans beat my choice for Best Movie of 2008 (So Far) at the box office last weekend.
This is why the internet is better. Internet stupid is
A: Free
B: edited to less than 93 minutes