February 5, 2008
"Science has faltered once again in the face of overwhelming religious evidence."
Posted by pete at February 5, 2008 10:24 PM
I love organized religion.
We lived in Salt Lake City, UT for six years when I was a kid. The Mormons who surrounded us were always very helpful in pointing out why my Roman Catholic soul was boned - in between intermittent ass-whippings. After we moved to Texas, I kept my burgeoning atheism (mostly) under wraps and learned to (mostly) keep my mouth shut for the rest of my public school tenure, only occasionally surfacing to further solidify my status as "undesirable" among the toothsome ladies of Young Life.
The act that did the most damage was, ironically, an act of pure nerdery and not outright blasphemy: at a 9th grade party, I ejected Duran Duran's Seven and the Ragged Tiger in favor of Rush: 2112. Caren, our mortified hostess, was certain that Geddy Lee was shrieking, "We are the priests/of the devil."* My protestations fell on deaf ears, and my reputation as a neo-heretic was cemented.
So you can imagine how thrilling the last eight years have been for me, with evolution under increasing fire in our schools, the rise in popularity of VeggieTales, and the new prospect of being blinded with creation "science:"
Are you searching for cutting-edge scientific justification for a Biblical account of Earth's origins?
Then search no longer: the first issue of the Answers Research Journal, the "professional, peer-reviewed technical journal for the publication of interdisciplinary scientific and other relevant research from the perspective of the recent Creation and the global Flood within a biblical framework," is now online!
In this case, I suspect "peer-reviewed" means some of the '9-11 Truth' folks came over to check their work.
Edited by Australian geologist Andrew Snelling and published by the founder of the Creation Museum, Answers is free, fully downloadable and reviewed by a "large network of well-qualified creationist researchers, scientists, and theologians who are the best thinkers in their fields of creationist research," assuring that it meets "the highest scientific and theological standard."
Is this what speaking in tongues sounds like? Because none of those terms make any sense. "Creationist research?" "Australian geologist?" Please.
Snelling has actually hit upon a reliable strategy: he simply cites other scientific articles that back up the non-bullshit components of his article, then refers back to his own work when he gets to the whole "divine nuclear decay" concept. Similar shenangians helped me get 'A's on most of my college research papers, but then, I wasn't trying to convince the world at large that Nag and Nagaina were actually sympathetic liminal characters in "Rikki Tikki Tavi: Kipling's Paean to Imperial Racism."
And they have excerpts, including:
Proceedings of the Microbe Forum, June 2007
The task of understanding and observing the microbial world is daunting when we consider that we have only documented around 5,000 bacterial species. In addition there is much yet to be learned about algae, fungi, macro-parasites, and the enigmatic "chimeric" lichens. Could there be other creatures composed entirely of microbes of which we are unaware? In addition, how do we classify microbes taxonomically from a creation perspective? Do they fit into conventional or baraminic taxonomical convention? How do we view them biblically? What day were they created?
Uh, 5,000?
I'd like to see a graphical representation of this. If traditional Linnaean diagrams represent a tree, I'm guessing the creation-based model is essentially "God" -----------> "everything." This probably makes studying for AP biology exams in Kansas a little easier.
* Of course, everyone who's anyone knows the line is actually, "We are the priests/of the Temple of Syrinx."
Wait. Wait. So when God told Noah to build a big ass boat and put two of every kind of creature that walked, flew, or crawled aboard it, he was including, y’know, microbes and what not? That was his whole raisin deh etreh? Whew. I knew Noah had a hard gig and all… Life in the Old Testament was always a chancy son of a bitch; you never knew when the sun was going to stop moving in the sky or you were going to get carried off by a twister or some crazy ass Big Glowing Dude was going to nuke your home city for being too gay or, even if you were cool, some voice from on high was going to start issuing ridiculous instructions (which, you know, you had to OBEY… or DIE!!!!!)… but advising some sheep herder from 2500 BC that he had to gather up every microscopic and sub microscopic form of life on the planet, along with, y’know, all th’ sabre tooth tigers and giant ground sloths and archeopterii and what have you… SHEE it.
Being a highly moral dude in the Old Testament was a tough gig. (“And remember, hon, whatever you do, don’t look back at the mushroom clou… aw, shit. Kids, stop licking your mother.”) But I honestly had no clue just HOW tough. Makes me have new respect for all those guys. Well, except for that one who kept spilling his seed when his daughters were crawling into the sack with him; HE probably had the right idea, and what happened? God smote his ass for it.
My mother’s side of the family are crazy-style ultra-religious. They all live on the same 5-acre plot and go to the same church (where my cousin is the minister, although he doesn’t have a single shred of religious training); they dance and sing and speak in tongues and lay on of hands and read the Bible from start to finish—over and over—multiple times a year; in fact, all they don’t do is pass around the rattlers (which, if they did, would make them infinitely more cool).
Anyhow, as a too young’un, I brought up the whole “two of every sort [of every creeping thing] shalt thou bring into the ark” concept with The Compound, and how it implied that not only would microscopic lifeforms have to be included, but also sea creatures of every sort, too. And, I kid you not, the tag-team duo of The Minister and The Clan Matriarch (my grandmother) explained that not only did the Ark truly hold two of every land and air critter, but also germs, AND sea creatures…they latter two just needed special enclosures.
So, yes, the Ark was equipped with a CDC-like biocontainment unit, and giant aquariums.
All made of wood.
To better contain the microbes and whales.
(And before you ask, no, there weren’t any dinosaurs, because that would be insane…after all, everyone knows Satan made those up to test the faithful.)
Yes, Doc—it was a rough road for Noah. Even rougher when you consider that in addition to the saber toothed tigers, he also took all the dinosaurs! That’s right. But before you smirk at the idea of taking all those megaton monsters on board, there’s a very simple explanation for how he did it—he only took young ones! So they would obviously all fit very easily. Actually, you can get verification of this account of the dinosaurs on the ark and the answers to other universal questions on science and creation in the book “Did Adam Have a Bellybutton?” by Ken Ham. No kidding. There are loads of ludicrous and amusing examples of inane nonsense in it too numerous to mention here. And I’m sure you can appreciate how easy it is to back up any absurd mythical claim you make by simply saying, “it’s in the Bible”. This is all the referencing you need to for any scientific paper you want to write, as I’m sure all the contributors to the aforementioned “Answers Research Journal” will find.
Actually, it all would be very funny were it not for the fact (as pointed out by Basshole) that not only do the people that believe all this bullshit walk among us in increasing numbers, they’re also running the fucking country.
Oh and by the way, according to Mr. Ham, Adam did not have a bellybutton.
Here’s a couple of other things you might want to know about this peer-reviewed journal for “Cutting-edge creation research” [an oxymoron, if I’ve ever heard one!]. The whole thing leaves me speechless…it’s profoundly mind-boggling.
In the Guideline for Submissions: “The editor-in-chief will not be afraid to reject a paper if it does not properly satisfy the above criteria or it conflicts with the best interests of AiG as judged by its biblical stand and goals outlined in its statement of faith. The editors play a very important initial role in preserving a high level of quality in the ARJ, as well as protecting AiG from unnecessary controversy and review of clearly inappropriate papers.”
In a footnote on their website regarding authors: “These are pseudonyms. The writers, who hold PhDs in fields related to the topics of their abstracts, are scientists at prominent research facilities in the eastern part of North America. They prefer to keep their creationist credentials hidden for the moment until they achieve more seniority.”
Well Jesus Fucking Christ.
My emotional reaction to that is first to laugh, then to cry, and then to scream. Yeah, I teach in a public school in Texas. It IS that bad. They walk among us.