RATINGS DUDE: I’m sorry, we have to give this movie a PG-13.
SOME GEORGE LUCAS LACKEY: But… why? It’s a cartoon — it has nothing even remotely sexually suggestive, no nudity, no graphic special effects…
RATINGS DUDE: It has sci fi action.
SGLL: It… what?
RATINGS DUDE: Sci fi action. We can’t countenance it. Parents have to be warned.
SGLL: But it… I… sci fi action? What does that even mean?
RATINGS DUDE: You know. Action. With… robots and shit.
SGLL: Robots and shit.
RATINGS DUDE: Exaaaaaaaaaactly. I’m glad you understand.
SGLL: Okay. Look. STAR WARS isn’t even actual science fiction. It’s more like fantasy… well… honestly, it’s a Western in space. The advanced technology is just window dressing. The light sabres, the self aware droids, the FTL spacecraft, the energy weapons… if this were actual science fiction, the stories would explore the impact that this advanced tech has had on human behavior, on both a mass and an individual basis. Yet in STAR WARS, if anything, the technology seems to be a constant over hundreds of thousands of years. It never advances, and seems to have no influence whatsoever over how people live. In fact, this whole ‘democratic Republic becoming a tyrannical Empire’ thing that Lucas has gotten himself obsessively stuck into like a fly in amber is a historical social model going back 2000+ years. This isn’t science fiction.
RD: ::laughing like a Hutt:: Huh-huh-huh. Your puny Jedi mind tricks cannot work on me. You know as well as I do that ‘sci fi’ has nothing to do with actual science fiction.
SGLL: Yes, okay, but… again, ‘sci fi action’. What does that even mean?
RD: Dude, do you really WANT a G rating? Remember the Holiday Special? With Ewoks?
SGLL: Hey, that’s kind of below the belt… okay, we’ll take a PG-13. But honestly. We’re not even showing Natalie Portman’s nipples in this one, or anything.
RD: I wouldn’t brag about that. Let me ask you something. You know the big guy. I can’t figure this out. He’s doing a STAR WARS animated movie and it’s going to do HUGE box office business and… I just… why? Why this time period? Why these characters? Aren’t people sick enough of goddam pre-Darth Anakin and fucking Clone Wars bullshit? Why not give us an animated film about Han Solo, Chewbacca, Lea, Luke, even for the love of God Lando Calrissian and/or Boba Fett? You can DRAW anyone. Why not take the original cast that everybody loved and extend their adventures into the future a little? Or tell some unknown story about them all, back when they were still fighting the Empire? Why do we have to have yet MORE stories about a bunch of guys that, you know, we’re fucking OVER?
SGLL: You can’t say things like that out loud, dude.
RD: Why…?
SGLL: Now the Curse of Lucas is upon you.
RD: What…?
SGLL: Seriously. Update your will. Odds are you won’t live to see tomorrow.
RD: Secret — AAAAAAgent MAN… Secret —- AAAAAgent MAN…
SGLL: I’m serious, dude. Uh, look… I have to go. ::leaps out window, scuttles frantically away::
RATINGS DUDE: I’m sorry, we have to give this movie a PG-13.
SOME GEORGE LUCAS LACKEY: But… why? It’s a cartoon — it has nothing even remotely sexually suggestive, no nudity, no graphic special effects…
RATINGS DUDE: It has sci fi action.
SGLL: It… what?
RATINGS DUDE: Sci fi action. We can’t countenance it. Parents have to be warned.
SGLL: But it… I… sci fi action? What does that even mean?
RATINGS DUDE: You know. Action. With… robots and shit.
SGLL: Robots and shit.
RATINGS DUDE: Exaaaaaaaaaactly. I’m glad you understand.
SGLL: Okay. Look. STAR WARS isn’t even actual science fiction. It’s more like fantasy… well… honestly, it’s a Western in space. The advanced technology is just window dressing. The light sabres, the self aware droids, the FTL spacecraft, the energy weapons… if this were actual science fiction, the stories would explore the impact that this advanced tech has had on human behavior, on both a mass and an individual basis. Yet in STAR WARS, if anything, the technology seems to be a constant over hundreds of thousands of years. It never advances, and seems to have no influence whatsoever over how people live. In fact, this whole ‘democratic Republic becoming a tyrannical Empire’ thing that Lucas has gotten himself obsessively stuck into like a fly in amber is a historical social model going back 2000+ years. This isn’t science fiction.
RD: ::laughing like a Hutt:: Huh-huh-huh. Your puny Jedi mind tricks cannot work on me. You know as well as I do that ‘sci fi’ has nothing to do with actual science fiction.
SGLL: Yes, okay, but… again, ‘sci fi action’. What does that even mean?
RD: Dude, do you really WANT a G rating? Remember the Holiday Special? With Ewoks?
SGLL: Hey, that’s kind of below the belt… okay, we’ll take a PG-13. But honestly. We’re not even showing Natalie Portman’s nipples in this one, or anything.
RD: I wouldn’t brag about that. Let me ask you something. You know the big guy. I can’t figure this out. He’s doing a STAR WARS animated movie and it’s going to do HUGE box office business and… I just… why? Why this time period? Why these characters? Aren’t people sick enough of goddam pre-Darth Anakin and fucking Clone Wars bullshit? Why not give us an animated film about Han Solo, Chewbacca, Lea, Luke, even for the love of God Lando Calrissian and/or Boba Fett? You can DRAW anyone. Why not take the original cast that everybody loved and extend their adventures into the future a little? Or tell some unknown story about them all, back when they were still fighting the Empire? Why do we have to have yet MORE stories about a bunch of guys that, you know, we’re fucking OVER?
SGLL: You can’t say things like that out loud, dude.
RD: Why…?
SGLL: Now the Curse of Lucas is upon you.
RD: What…?
SGLL: Seriously. Update your will. Odds are you won’t live to see tomorrow.
RD: Secret — AAAAAAgent MAN… Secret —- AAAAAgent MAN…
SGLL: I’m serious, dude. Uh, look… I have to go. ::leaps out window, scuttles frantically away::