A Perfectly Cromulent Blog

These things I believe

Posted by pete at October 29, 2008 9:04 PM

Roger Ebert got a lot of shit for his review of Tru Loved, which he stopped watching - initially - after eight minutes (he has since viewed the entire movie and appended that review to the original). He's now vowed never again to write a review of a film he hasn't watched in its entirety (I can't remember how often I've reviewed a movie I've walked out of, but I always try to disclose the fact when I do, which...sort of counts for something).

Anyway, the comments on that entry prompted him to lay out his rules for movie critics.

Advise the readers well.

I don't know how adequately I fulfill this requirement, but thanks to my liberal use of profanity, I'm pretty sure readers are never confused about how I feel about a particular movie.

Provide a sense of the experience.

I don't go all AICN and describe my day up to the point of the screening in minute detail, but I could probably do better in this department. Every review from here on out will include a detailed recap of my drive to the theater and the demeanor of the ticket taker.

Keep track of your praise.

This isn't usually a problem. I can count on two hands the number of times I've used the phrase "one of the best films of the year" since 2004. And anyway, everybody knows 'best of' lists are harder to write than the other kind.

Do the math. If one week you state, "'Mr. Untouchable' makes 'American Gangster' look like a fairy tale," and the next week we say, "American Gangster" was "Goodfellas" for "the next generation," then you must conclude that "Mr. Untouchable" is better than "Goodfellas."

I included the whole rule because it's hilarious.

Respect the reader's time.

This is a dicier proposition. I try and make it a point to keep my reviews to 500-750 words, but I can't promise each word will be equally worth reading.

Do not make challenges you are cannot to back up.

The only "challenge" I've ever issued to people is to avoid shitty movies. And they've disappointed me every time.

Respect the reader's money.

Again, I've tried. That fans of Date Movie don't respect their own income stream isn't my problem.

Beware of verbal parallelism.

...I like stories.

Trailers. Have nothing to do with them. Gene Siskel hated them so much he would stand outside a theater until they were over.

Jesus, I wish. They're the scandalous addiction I can't seem to shake. Speaking of, have you seen the latest one for Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince?

Be wary of freebies.

I get flown to/put up at deadCENTER and I get passes to SXSW to cover the festival. I've accepted a couple of "after-party" invites for certain movies, one of which I liked, one I didn't. The one I didn't, I deigned to review. That was shortly before I vowed never to accept such an invite again.

Junkets, however, are the domain of critics occupying a different strata than us bargain basement Film Threat guys.

Accept no favors.

Yeeaaahh...this isn't really a problem. Oh, do free half-sheet posters count?

No commercial endorsements.

This is really the only place Ebert sounds a bit out of touch, as he's just about the only remaining movie critic any company would even consider paying to shill their product.

I, however, would happily endorse Stone Brewing Co. or New West Records.

Be prudent with free DVDs.

As a member of both the OFCS and the HFCS, I receive end-of-year "for your consideration" screeners. I don't sell them - not just because they're coded to me, but because eBay is a huge pain in the ass - but yeah...I let friends borrow them. I still buy DVDs with rapacious abandon, much to The Wife's chagrin.

No advertisements.

Again, this isn't an issue for the 99.9% of us who would donate a kidney just to get a sniff of a network TV gig.

Be prepared to give a negative review.

AKA, the Pete Hammond Factor. As one of the Los Angeles Times' "crankiest critics" of 2007, I feel pretty safe in checking this one off.

No posing for photos!

Oops.

Sundance '04. In all fairness, I think Danny Glover was fucking thrilled to be corralled for a pic by the guy who told him Lethal Weapon's Roger Murtaugh was "totally better than Jesus."