Knock it off, Disney.
Thanks to Winnie the Pooh sheets, Ariel underpants, and a near-constant media/retail assault that would've made Joseph Goebbels shake his head in admiration, you mercenary pricks already have your hooks set into most of our kids since birth (and maybe earlier, if the Princess Jasmine speculum is successfully patented). You've insinuated yourselves into our lives to such an extent I no longer offer even token resistance when She Who Shall Not Be Named brings me the Little Mermaid DVD case and the remote control.
Though I must say, her rendition of "Part of Your World" would make even the surliest among you crack a smile.
I'm willing to accept a certain amount of cultural omnipresence, as you can see, but what I'm not going to stand for is the annual push to make The Polar Express the next holiday movie classic.
[EDIT: I (think I) knew Warner Bros. actually made Polar Express, but the push I'm referring to is by ABC and the ABC Family channel, both of which are cramming PE down our throats, and both are owned by Uncle Walt.]
The 2004 adaptation of Chris Van Allsburg's book is, hands-down, one of the creepiest fucking things I've ever seen. Much hay was made about the groundbreaking technology used to capture the live actors' movements ("actors" meaning Tom Hanks and, like, three other guys), and the result is admittedly pretty eye-popping. Trouble is, the overall impression is that of a bunch of Real Dolls suddenly brought to herky-jerky life. There were also reportedly some screw-ups during the final stages of production, resulting in scenes where elves go sliding across the screen with apparently frozen extremities. Advanced technology or not, everything still looks desperately fake, and not in a good traditional animation way,
What's really funny is that the book takes about 15 minutes to read, but because filming a true adaptation wouldn't justify the outlay required for all this "revolutionary" motion capture technology Robert Zemeckis and company went on to bloat the film with instantly forgettable musical numbers and nonsensical action sequences. And what kid wants to endure an hour and forty minutes of this garbage just to see Hero Boy and Token Black Character Hero Girl finally reach the North Pole, a true Industrial Age wonderland where all the workers look the same and Aerosmith is the musical act of choice.
We already have enough Christmas-themed movies to play 24/7 the entire month of December, and that's not counting the holiday cluster bombs released every year (Fred Claus, Deck the Halls). There's always room for a worthy addition every five years or so, like Bad Santa, but I'm not prepared to push aside true classics like A Christmas Story and Die Hard just yet. Disney, you grossed $160 million with Polar Express during its release, I suggest you quit while you're ahead.
While I wholeheartedly agree with your sentiment, I feel that I should point out that the Polar Express film adaptation was not a Disney production, but rather a Warner Bros. one.
Disney, you grossed $160 million with Polar Express during its release, I suggest you quit while you’re ahead.
This may throw off your entire rant, but Warner Brothers released “The Polar Express,” not Disney.
Although Disney is in charge of Robert Zemeckis’ take on “A Christmas Carol,” starring Jim Carrey.
Polar Express was a Warner Bros movie, not Disney. You know how I know? Because I’m a Disney automaton that hails all things Disney and shuns all things not. It’s sad that I’m so easily controlled by the mouse.
Because I’m a Disney automaton that hails all things Disney and shuns all things not.
I’m not quite as militant, laanba, but my family and I are of the same mind in other things Disney. We lived so close to Orlando from Casselberry when I was a toddler that we got annual passes to Walt Disney World and went every weekend, and sometimes even during the week just for dinner out. My sister’s first visit to WDW was when she was 9 days old. We own nearly all of the Disney films on DVD (oh for that elusive “Song of the South”), and my favorite film of all time and any time is Mary Poppins. Plus, my parents still have the Mickey and Minnie wall-length mirrors that were hung in our Casselberry home, that we’ll probably put up again when we move to Las Vegas. And the living room lamp? Mickey Mouse on a platform.
Haha… Rory. I’m not quite that big a fan and I *do* try to like stuff from other companies. It is just never as good. As for Polar Express, I agree that the animation is creepy. I’ve never watched it and not that interested in doing so in the future.
You forgot to mention another great Christmas classic - the first Lethal Weapon.
At work (I “work” at an afterschool program) nothing clears the room quicker than when I throw on “Polar Express.” The kids can watch “Goosebumps” or “Ghostbusters” till the cows come home, but “Polar Express” scares the living shit out of them. And the ones that aren’t scared are just too bored to be frightened.
Incidentally…did you know that it was released by Warner Brothers and not
Bet that ground-breaking motion capture technology looks SWEET in 3-D. And by “sweet” I mean “the most unsettling thing in creation.”