A Perfectly Cromulent Blog

No sex please, we're Houstonians

Blowing the lid off nookie, indeed:

The city of Houston claimed a significant victory Wednesday in its effort to stamp out strip clubs and pornographic boutiques that have set up shop too close to neighborhoods.

A state district judge ruled in favor of the city's attempt to permanently shut down The Penthouse Club, 2618 Winrock, and ordered an owner of the establishment to pay $42,000 in legal fees.

"This is a good day for Houstonians that want to protect the decency of our neighborhoods for families, and also want to say no to those businesses that degrade and exploit women for profit," said Mayor Bill White.

"This has been a long battle."

The case was a major test of a new front in Houston's long-running battle to enforce its "sexually-oriented business" ordinance, which has withstood multiple challenges that finally held up under the scrutiny of the U.S. Supreme Court.

The law, which requires such companies to operate at least 1,500 feet from schools, day care centers, parks and churches, has been flouted by strip clubs and porn shops since City Council adopted it in 1997.

But with The Penthouse Club, the city tried a new tack: suing to shutter the business under the city's nuisance laws. Now, the city intends to file a massive lawsuit this month using similar measures to close 30 to 40 of the businesses at once.

I applaud Mayor White in his strenuous campaign to stamp out blue balls and overpriced domestic beer in our fair city. And since he seems so keen on "nuisances," I eagerly await similarly swift action against the church that tolls me out of bed every Sunday morning, the high school whose stadium PA echoes into the next county, the pawn shop with the 50-foot high scrolling neon marquee that looms over my backyard, and the drive-thru ATM beeping incessantly as it provides the random drunk with cash for his 2 AM post-SRO Whataburger run.

Patrick Zummo, a private attorney who represented the city in the matter, said the the case against the clubs, bookstores and massage parlors could take as little as a year to get to trial, far shorter than the previous cases that have been mired in legal wrangling.

"We hope a New Year's resolution will be that these businesses won't allow crime at their locations anymore," Zummo said.
[...]
"We have supported this action in the city in its fight the whole way," said Bart Jones, president of the Briargrove neighborhood association.

"My rule of thumb has been if I can't walk my child in the direction of your business, maybe your business shouldn't be in the area where I raise my child."

You know, I was all set to point out to Zummo that apparently blow jobs and coke in the VIP room are more deserving of expensive city lawsuits than the weekly murders committed at those run-down, windowless bars I drive by every day. Moreso, I was fully prepared to call Jones a self-righteous douchebag who selectively excluded the neighborhood liquor stores and gun re-sellers in describing his Danger Gauntlet, but something happened this weekend and now, like Nick Nolte in 48 Hours, I support their efforts 100%.

Let me back up. There's this Mexican restaurant in my neighborhood called Juanita's that sits next to Solid Platinum, a strip club (note, the preciousness of the metal/gem mentioned in the club's name is often inversely proportional to the tastefulness of the club itself...see also The Gold Cup). We eat at Juanita's occasionally because they have really good cheese enchiladas, and until recently never had any trouble with the...denizens next door.

Last Saturday, however, the horrible agenda of these fishnet-clad fifth columnists was laid bare. The Wife and I were walking into Juanita's with She Who Shall Not Be Named when out of the club's doors burst a group of scantily clad women, brandishing weighted nets, spears, and a Dora the Explorer jam box blaring "Pour Some Sugar On Me." Shouldering past us, they quickly snared SWSNBN before either of us could react. The "exotic dancers" were halfway back to Solid Platinum, already sizing my daughter up with a 5T T-back so she could join their growing legion of toddler strippers, when The Wife, coming to her senses faster than me, single-handedly incapacitated them (I'd already fallen victim to those same sex worker wiles that have brought other men, mightier than myself, so very low). We hightailed it out of there, vowing to fight these cesspools wherever we might find them.

In short, I fully support Mayor White in his - dare I say - crusade to rid Houston of exposed naughty bits that is in no way a cynical ploy to appease the deep-pocketed finger waggers that will be greasing the wheels of his Senatorial campaign.