February 5, 2009
I find your lack of cake disturbing
Posted by pete at February 5, 2009 7:28 AMPregnancy is proceeding normally. The Wife is well into the second trimester and both parents are exceedingly grateful to the gestation gods for that. All tests to this point have been normal, and we're eager to get back into the house (end of this month...fingers crossed) so we can get a better handle on how soon we're going to have to sell it and move out to Conroe.
The next ultrasound isn't for another month, but that's okay because the last one was plenty entertaining. The doctor performing it was an old Slavic woman - I conjured up a history where she went to medical school after her Moscow Circus lover abandoned her following their defection in the 1970s, but I bore easily - who's been doing them for 30 years and seemed to think that both twins are of the...female variety.
The way she put it was funnier ("I don't see any penises"), but only when you hear it in my hilarious Boris and Natasha accent.
So before I go stock up on ammo and mentally prepare my speeches on why eloping is a perfectly reasonable alternative to big weddings, I'd just like to let The Wife know I've got the baby shower refreshments covered:
You know, I'll bet the sound of his breathing apparatus is actually quite soothing.
Love that cake!! =) Wait…did I miss something? When are you guys moving out to Conroe?
When are you guys moving out to Conroe?
I’m exaggerating slightly, though clearly - to paraphrase Chief Brody - we’re gonna need a bigger house.
Congrats on the twins!
When I read this I thought it said her lover had left her after their defecation in 1970 and I thought “Well hell if she hasn’t defecated since 1970 no WONDER she doesn’t’ see any penises.” Don’t worry. I’m better now.
Oh, and, if you even seriously fucking think of CONROE I will sneak your daughters - ALL THREE - out of your home one by one.
The eldest I will teach to sing ABBA songs every time she hears a bell ring. She will not be able to resist. This will result in your first suicide attempt.
The second girl child (who allegedly has no penisisesis) will be schooled in the art of making those Eye of God hippie art thingies by wrapping yarn around a couple of sticks. She will do this with ugly, variegated yarn. She will hang skanky bird feathers from them. She will refuse to go to college because she will think she can support herself, her no-good-rotten ex-aggie football player boyfriend and his three pythons by making her “art”.
The third daughter? THE THIRD?? This will be the most fiendish. (I’m rubbing my hands in anticipation.) I’ll inflict upon her (and you by association)… ME. She and I? We’ll hang. I’ll teach her how to pick things up with her toes. We’ll sing the lyrics to the Buffy musical at the top of our lungs (from memory). ***It could be witches! Some evil witches! Which is ridiculous ‘cause witches they were persecuted Wicca good and love the earth and I’ll be over here**** We will bake. With a vengeance. We will point. And laugh. We will set things on fire in the bbq pit that were never meant to be burned, and it will be good. We will blow things up, but only far away from people (so they can’t call the police). We will mock. Oh, how we will mock. We will refuse to brush the dog. She and I? We will never -ever - wear shoes. You won’t be able to make us. You’ll be too embarrassed by the ABBA thing to ever leave your house.
As usual, you take the cake. Glad to hear all is progressing well!!