I'm going to withhold comment on the wholly unsettling Quizno's ad I've been seeing on TV for now, because I still eat there on occasion and dwelling on the possibility that the nice young man who makes my turkey-bacon-guacamole (minus the bacon, no ranch) might be fornicating with the sandwich toaster may force me to go to that crappy Chinese place next door for lunch instead.
No, I'm more interested in the inexplicable reappearance of commercials for Natural Light beer. Sure, they've had commercials before (the Mick!), but the latest line of "Nattyism" spots seem to miss the key selling point of Natty Light entirely. Namely: that it's mathematically impossible to get too drunk from it.
You might think trumpeting a beer's inability to make you black out might be a questionable marketing strategy, but it all depends on your ultimate drinking goals. All-weekend poker game? 54 holes of golf? Driving from El Paso to Los Angeles? Obviously you want something that will help you maintain an even buzz while not significantly hampering your faculties, and NatLight is a solid choice. My friend Colby even wrote a song, "O Natural Light" (set to the music of "O Tannenbaum") to offer tribute to the brew that's seen us through dozens of tubing trips down the Frio and Guadelupe. A sample:
I'll drink you hot
I'll drink you cold
I'll drink you when
You're very old
As useful as Natural Light is, however, its 95 calories per can (on par with Iron City Light) seem almost Triple Bock-ian in comparison to the ultimate camping beer: Pearl Light. At only 68 calories a can and something like 2% ABV, I'm pretty sure it's legal to actually drink Pearl Light while driving a school bus in the state of Texas, though I should probably look that up.
Put another way, the a case (24 cans) of Pearl Light contains 1632 calories. That's roughly the equivalent of three Wendy's Big Bacon Classics (580 calories each), two McDonald's Big Xtras with Cheese (810 calories each), one Carl's Jr. Double Six Dollar burger (1520), or one large White Castle chocolate shake (1680).
I'm not sure what this has to do with anything, except I haven't gone camping/tubing in over a year and so my beer consumption has dropped to dangerous pre-college levels.
Beer can be drunk poolside too, which features fewer rapids but a handier fridge. I understand neutral buoyancy is very popular with pregnant chicks, too. Visit us.