A Perfectly Cromulent Blog

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We can finally, at long last, say with authority that nothing is sacred:

Joining the legions of remakes of '80s action movies is a new take on "Missing in Action," the Chuck Norris vehicle in which he blazes his guns throughout Southeast Asia, liberating prisoners of war.

This version, for MGM, will be updated, like most of the new action reboots including "Rambo," to reflect contemporary realities. The movie will be set in the current Iraq war and involve an action hero on a mission in the Middle East.

The original "Missing in Action" centered on Col. James Braddock (Norris), a POW of the Viet Cong who escapes Southeast Asia and then heads back to liberate other U.S. captives. Two related features -- a prequel and a sequel -- were released after MGM's 1984 hit. (The third film was directed by Aaron Norris, brother of the Texas Ranger.)

First of all, last year's Rambo wasn't a reboot, it was a straight-up sequel. A reboot implies redoing or replaying a character's origin. Rambo gave us the character 20 years after the last movie (where he single-handedly empowered the Taliban to attack the United States). Second, who's Braddock 2.0 supposed to be liberating? Turkish Kurds?

Then again, it's not like anybody's really going to see it:

The studio's plan is to release the new film directly to home video rather than to theaters. In an interesting twist, though, the co-producer/co-financier of the project is World Wrestling Entertainment, which has been expanding its action-movie slate under its WWE Studios banner. Movies like "12 Rounds," a kidnapping tale starring John Cena, are set for theatrical release.

Which means you can count on either Cena, Chris Jericho, or possibly The Big Show to star. WWE Studios really dropped the ball. Had they pushed this even five years ago they could've smelled what the Rock was cooking.

And then it got...unpleasant:

The screenplay for "Missing in Action" is being written by Jeremy Passmore and Andre Fabrizio. Passmore also is writing "Red Dawn," another updated reboot of an MGM title about an '80s military threat.

Look, I'm not going to lie and say Missing in Action or Red Dawn (or Rambo and Invasion U.S.A.) are great - or even good - cinema. But they're ours, goddamnit: released during a unique era in our history, and still discussed and written about 25 years later because of that. The inherently lazy nature of remakes encounters a singular flaw when it comes to Cold War action flicks, because while the concept of Cubans parachuting into Colorado was...sketchy in 1984, the idea of al Qaeda doing it in 2009 approaches science fiction.

Seriously, are Eastern European gangsters really the greatest threat to national security? Say what you want about John Milius and George P. Cosmatos, at least they knew that casting Soviets as the bad guys in 1984 would hit home with audiences. Islamic fundamentalism may not be the same sort of monolithic entity personified by the USSR, but I think most of us can agree they don't wish us well.

So quit stealing my generation's shitty xeonophobic flicks, you assholes. With "actors" like Channing Tatum and Paul Walker and "directors" like McG and Paul W.S. Anderson, you're more than equipped.