A Perfectly Cromulent Blog

They're building...vampire

I freely admit I forgot about Nick Cave. And Geoff Tate, in case the title threw anybody off.

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New Moon hits theaters this week, and even though the trailers alone have us ready to put it on our "Worst of 2009" lists ("Jake! NOOOO!"), there's no denying the movie is going to make more money than an underaged prostitute at a Promise Keeper convention. Midnight screenings are already sold out, and the legions of teens that flocked to the first movie are now being joined by their mothers in an uncomfortably display of multi-generational lust we haven't seen since, well, that Chris Brown concert.

Part of the reason for our inability to comprehend the franchise's popularity are the horribly non-vampiric vampires on display. They don't drink human blood, they maximize their immortality by going to high school for a hundred years, and they fucking sparkle in sunlight. We've read Sweet Valley High books with more menace. And while almost anybody would be more convincing as a nosferatu than Robert Pattinson and his pouty brethren, here are musicians we feel would definitely fit the bill.

Andrew Eldritch -- Sisters of Mercy

Pros: Rarely appears in daylight, has a cool name.
Cons: Do vampires were aviators? Besides Blacula, we mean.
The Verdict: Even with no shirt on under his jacket and swinging that goddamn mike stand around, he's still ten times as butch as Pattinson.

And Patricia Morrison is fifty times the woman Kristen Stewart is.

Prince

Pros: Skinny, ageless, pansexual
Cons: We're pretty sure no self-respecting vampire would write "Cloreen Baconskin."
The Verdict: Iffy, but he'd give Dracula himself a run for his money in the "brides of" category.

Peter Murphy -- Bauhaus

Pros: Gaunt, drives the "Bauhearse," emerges from coffins on stage. Then there's the matter of that song he sings about that guy who played that famous monster..."Boris Karloff's Deceased," or something.
Cons: We don't care if you are the Godfather of Goth (or, given his conversion to Islam, the Ayatollah of Angst), there's nothing very menacing about that combover.
The Verdict: Grandfathered in, but we're going to need another Bauhaus reunion tour to seal the deal.

Jack White -- The Raconteurs

Pros: Is a dead ringer for Lon Chaney, Sr. in London After Midnight, and he's not even wearing (much) makeup.
Cons: Would drain musical collaborators of blood after duets, meaning no more Loretta Lynn records.
Pros Revisited: Would also mean no more James Bond songs with Alicia Keys.
The Verdict: If White's really one of the children of the night, and they're eternally at war with lycanthropes, does that mean Jason Stollsteimer of the Von Bondies is a werewolf?

Cristina Scabbia -- Lacuna Coil

Pros: Vampire queens are supposed to be hot and look upon mortals as mewling worms, and she certainly qualifies.
Cons: "Scabbia" seems like more of a zombie queen name.
The Verdict: It might be helpful to have an actual Mediterranean person on hand for those Volturi scenes. And we're kind of surprised they haven't put any Lacuna Coil on the already angsty soundtrack.

Among those who didn't make the cut: Marilyn Manson (too obvious). Glenn Danzig (too short), Blackie Lawless (too Christian).