A Perfectly Cromulent Blog

"She, Shelob's in my head"

So that new "Return of the King" trailer is causing quite a bit of excitement (for those who are Quicktime-deprived, MSN has a Windows-friendly version). I loved it, but I've been Peter Jackson's bitch ever since "Dead Alive." I maintain what I said after the 2002 Academy Awards: that Jackson will win Best Director after "RotK" comes out as a reward for making what is essentially a ten-hour film.

The whole "sacrifice and loss" theme permeating the trailer is a bit confusing, however (consider this a SPOILER warning for the handful of you who couldn't be bothered to read three books that have been around for fifty years). I mean, as far as principals in the film go the only good guy who dies is Théoden (well, and Denethor, but big deal). We all know Gollum bites the big one (heh), but his death is rather necessary to the plot. The trailer also shows Elrond haranguing Arwen for giving up immortality for Aragorn, then tells us, "There can be no victory without suffering." Sure, giving up eternal life for true love could kinda sorta be construed as suffering. I guess. Maybe Aragorn goes bald.

I have a theory - based purely on speculation and suspicion elicited by the trailer - about how they're going to crank up the weep factor. I think Gimli dies.

Hear me out. They've been setting him up as a goof from the first film, making him this humorously gruff bad-ass who's not quite as bad-ass as Legolas (if Jackson really wanted to shock/piss off audiences, he'd kill the elf, but then who'd be around to offer dire tidbits like, "The eye of the enemy is moving" or, "He is here?"). Gimli helped round out the Fellowship, but his warrior prowess at Helm's Deep was played down in "The Two Towers," implying that maybe he's not as critical to the quest as previously thought. Finally, I've watched that trailer ten times and the only glimpse I've seen of him is smoking a pipe in the background during on the of the pre-Pelennor Fields scenes.

Many people seem to love bitching about continuity errors - yes, Anduril was reforged in the first book; no, Merry and Pippin didn't have to convince the Ents to attack Isengard; yes, Arwen had what was essentially a bit part in the books; no, Elrond didn't have to browbeat Aragorn into assuming his place as king. I accept these things because they, like killing Gimli (or Legolas) off, increase dramatic tension. And I also know that staying 100% true to the books means we'd have to deal with crap like Tom Bombadil and the pointless Scouring of the Shire. Given the tone of the movies to date, I can't believe anyone would honestly want to keep that goofy shit in there.

Other miscellaneous trailer stuff:

+ Miranda Otto is hot. And I'm comfortable enough in my heterosexuality to say Orlando Bloom is quite pretty as well.
+ The scene where Gollum leers at Sam after Frodo has taken his side is perfect. WETA has done the impossble and made Gollum even more lifelike.
+ I didn't think Shelob could move that fast, which makes me wonder if the spider in the trailer is actually her, or one of her "children." Either way, I'm probably having nightmares.
+ If you have to flog the cliché of someone screaming "Noooo!" you might as well have it be Sam at the Crack of Doom.

Other studios are already, one assumes, battening down the hatches in preparation. Warner Brothers and Touchstone originally had "The Last Samurai" and "The Alamo" slated to open Dec. 12, five days before "RotK." Wisely, they decided to move them both ("Samurai" to the 5th, "Alamo" to Christmas Day) rather than compete directly with what promises to be the 900-lb gorilla of December's releases.

"That's my pie."

I realized I was getting left behind on the kink curve when I had to look up what "crush" videos were. So you can imagine my surprise when I saw Phoebe Rodriguez's site (via Metafilter):

Q: Does getting hit with pies turn you on?
A: Sometimes. When done right, the whole pieing experience can be very sensual and erotic.

If you're a pathetic square like myself, you've probably never heard of WAM ("wet and messy") videos, where girls like Phoebe are smeared in everything from traditional viscous substances like mud and oil to more culinary selections like pies and chocolate. If the Food Channel played bukkake, Phoebe would be their Sylvia Saint.

Except it doesn't look like Phoebe actually indulges in anything heavier than getting "gunged," as they call it. Some of the other WAM sites are more hardcore, but many look almost clean, in a matter of speaking. I suppose it appeals to guys working their way up to actual pornography. Or circus clowns.

Let's let Phoebe explain the phenomenon:

Seeing a woman, in hot clothes, get pelted by pies, or gunged or even wet is a rarity. It is not something that happens in everyday life (unless of course you are me!). I think it's the combination of food and the insinuation of sex that makes it attractive. I also think that it is the intimacy of seeing a woman in a completely vulnerable and humiliating situation. I enjoy playing the haughty, stuck-up princess type who truly deserves to be taken down a notch or two.

Somewhere, Andrea Dworkin's head is exploding.

If you prefer to watch the climax of "The Great Race" alone, or if you thought the best part of "Goldfinger" was when Shirley Eaton got her gold paint job, a cornucopia of delights awaits you.

And I have to admit to being a little intrigued by the dunk tank videos. Must be the carny in me.

Gorilla, you're a desperado

With apologies to the late Warren Zevon:

Big gorilla at a Boston zoo
Bolted his enclosure for some open space
Attacked a two-year old, her sister's friend too
How does he keep breaking out of that place?

This is the second time in two months "Little Joe" has found a way to escape his pen at the Franklin Park Zoo, in spite of the presence of a 12-foot wide moat and electric fences. After attacking a 2-year old girl and a teenager, he wandered the neighborhood for a couple hours until brought down with tranquilizer darts.

Zoo New England CEO and President John Linehan says young, male gorillas are particularly restless, which might explain his behavior. Overlooked, however, is this excerpt from the AP story that shines some light on Joe's motivation:

The gorilla was captured near a football stadium close to the zoo.

He must have heard that the Patriots need some help on their O-line.

Kung Fool

Last night, the Alamo Drafthouse in Houston held a double-feature honoring chop socky actor Jim Kelly. The films shown were "Enter the Dragon" (a little more famous for Bruce Lee than Kelly) and "Black Belt Jones." The Thing That Walks Like A Man and I were in attendance for both films, and we got to see Mr. Kelly doing a little Q&A before each movie.

Neither of us actually asked any questions, though we came up with some beauties (many inspired by the Real Ultimate Power web site). For example:

1) "Mr. Kelly, do you think Steven Seagal is the future of American martial arts?"
2) "Mr. Kelly, have you ever flipped out and killed someone?"
3) "Mr. Kelly, I just want to say that I think you are really cool, and by 'cool' I mean totally sweet."

Trust me, these were more entertaining queries than the unending stream of "What was it like working with Bruce Lee?" crap that the audience kept throwing at him.

Excluding the lame questions that had the two of us giggling like drunken lemurs, the evening was more than a little disappointing. First, there were the prices for autographs that Mr. Kelly saw fit to charge his fans. Signatures for outside merchandise went for $20, while personal photos were $30 (I didn't ask if getting an autograph on a Polaroid I'd just taken would've set me back $50). Seeing this, we quickly bypassed the merchandise table.

It's a shame, too. I had planned on including a picture here of me and Jim Kelly for the enjoyment of audiences everywhere. As it is, I present this crappy Microsoft Paint image it took me about three minutes to put together (that's me on the left):

Cutting to the chase, "Black Belt Jones" is a ridiculously offensive. It takes the "blaxploitation" genre and pisses all over it. I may be examining the movie and its repercussions in much more detail on Film Threat in the coming weeks, but while you're breathlessly waiting for that, consider these questions:

1) Was Jim Kelly offered the role of "Kung Fu Joe" in "I'm Gonna Git You Sucka?" If not, why not? And if so, why didn't he take it?
2) What are these 3 to 5 scripts Kelly claims to be offered every year? Why doesn't he take any of them?
3) Why was Jim Kelly completely ignored in the IFC documentary "Badasss Cinema?" Follow-up: why was Gloria Hendry so pissed off in it?

"Black Belt Jones" might appeal to some for its camp value, but it completely subverts the entire purpose of the genre. Pinky and his gang of toughs are all pawns of the white Mafia don, while Black Belt himself works for the white cops.

I guess all the gratuitous kicks to the groin distracted everyone.

UPDATE: Jesus, that drawing is hideous. What was I on?

Oh right. Beer.

9/26 Slobberbone show

As Kevin has already noted, Slobberbone played Friday night at the Continental Club. I'll give the show a sold "A-," only because their Neil Young encore consisted of "Like A Hurricane" and not "Cortez the Killer," which I never tire of hearing (as long as it's not the Indigo Girls doing it). Seriously, if you haven't heard the Bone play "Cortez," go to one of their shows and bellow incessantly for it until they either comply or you're hauled out of the club and beaten with truncheons.

Lots of emphasis on older material, which is okay with me. I like their newest, Slippage, just fine, but I never tire of "I Can Tell Your Love is Waning" (the best song ever to refer to Schaefer beer) or "One Rung." Their lack of recent time on the road was telling when Jess muffed his guitar solo on "Can't Stay Sober," but no one really cared. The calls for "Gimme Back My Dog" were answered to everyone's satisfaction, and the staggeringly drunk guy in front of the stage who looked liked a gone-to-seed Wooderson from "Dazed and Confused" was placated by a fine rendition of "Josephine."

They also performed a nifty acoustic version of "Write Me Off," which I never was that fond of before.

It was great meeting Alex, Kevin, and the lovely and talented Callie Friday night. After pimping Slobberbone to anyone who'll bother listening for the last four years, the band came through in fine form, I am now due a trip to the Firehouse.

Get the Bock out of here

Since 1994, the Spoetzl Brewery in Shiner, TX (makers of fine Shiner beer for almost 100 years) have held a music festival on the brewery grounds in October called, rhapsodically enough, “Bocktoberfest” (the "first" Bocktoberfest was actually a repeat of the "Thanks a Million" celebration of 1993 where Shiner thanked its customers for buying a million cases of Shiner, but that's not important now). I attended two such festivals: the first in 1998 (the year of The Flood) and again in 1999, but events have transpired to keep me away the last few years. Nothing important really, just trivial things like my irrational aversion to paying $7 for a cup of Shiner Bock, crowds composed increasingly of loutish mooks, and the dwindling number of friends who feel compelled to sit around for an entire day drinking beer (or the equally dwindling number of people willing to drive said drinkers).

One thing you could always rely on, however, was the fact (one prominently advertised by the organizers in the early years) that the musical acts featured were all based in Texas. Audiences have been treated to performances by everyone from the Hollisters to Todd Snider to Trish Murphy to Junior Brown. Robert Earl Keen headlined five times in a row, and six overall. The shows I went to had a very backyard barbecue feel to them, with everyone lounging around on the grass, drinking beer, and listening to the tunes.

A subtle change could be felt in the last few years, though. The Mighty Mighty Bosstones appearing on the bill in 2000 didn’t cause too much of a ruckus, maybe because Robert Earl was still the headliner. Jerry Jeff Walker – and hey, does anyone every get tired of hearing “Sangria Wine?” – stepped in as the main act in ’01. Luckily, that year also had The Reverend Horton Heat (still one of the best live shows I’ve ever seen) and Joe Ely. Then last year Collective Soul somehow slipped in. They may be from another Southern state, but still, it kind of threw off the vibe laid down by the Derailers and ex-Sister 7 lead singer Patrice Pike. Robert Earl still headlined though, so a balance of sorts was (tentatively) maintained.

I should point out that while I enjoy a lot of REK's music, I no longer go see him live, as every concert of his I've attended in the last five years resembles a Texas Tech ATO mixer. If I want to rub elbows with drunken fratboys, I can go to Sherlock’s.

This year, though, top 40 darlings Nickelback are headlining. Also included will be the nu-metal stylings of Trapt and Dodge truck jingle-writers Cross Canadian Ragweed. I guess festival organizers are chucking the whole “Texas music festival” angle in favor of holding yet another in an infinite series of generic regional “rock fests” that spring up like crab grass all over the country in the summer and fall. What’s even more jarring is seeing early slots still being held down by smaller local acts. I just wonder how many Stephanie Urbina-Jones and Terri Hendrix fans are going to stick around to hear “Too Bad” with all the other mosh puppies.

– And they will mosh, don’t kid yourself. I used to think (back in my combat boot-clad Dark Ages, when we called it “slam dancing”) that there was just some music you flat out could not “mosh” to. Seeing a handful of goofs trying it at a Nickel Creek (not to be confused with this year’s Bocktoberfest headliners) show cured me of that illusion. Jesus.

Back on topic, this isn’t some aging music fan’s screed against new music. I like plenty of new stuff, just not generic, bellowing crap like Nickelback and Trapt (when do we get Korn and Linkin Park on the bill?). I don’t even have anything specific against these bands, but they already have places to play. VH1 showed one of Nickleback’s concerts earlier this year, and thanks to Clear Channel and its ilk you can hear their songs on the hard rock stations, the top 40 stations, and the “alternative” stations, often within the same hour. Bocktoberfest was nice because it gave a bigger venue to acts that didn't usually get a shot at them (Todd Snider, Carolyn Wonderland). I’m glad artists like Hendrix and Urbina-Jones are still playing, but how long do you think that will last? How long before “Bocktoberfest” becomes “Rocktoberfest” and moves to the SBC Center in San Antonio?

Ah, the hell with it. Three hours to Slobberbone.

The Horror...

Fangoria has some news on the soon-to-be-unleashed Horror Channel:

Fright fans will soon have a cable station to call their own with The Horror Channel, the first 24-hour national digital genre cable network, which will debut in October 2004. FANGORIA has been given the exclusive scoop on the ambitious project, which will involve many of the industry’s key chillmeisters and broadcast a mix of classic and new fright flicks and television shows, as well as original programming.

“I truly believe we can bring the genre into the limelight, where it deserves to be,” CEO and founder Nicholas A. Psaltos tells Fango. ”There’s no reason why the Horror Channel should not exist and thrive. Comedy Central and Sci Fi are both doing extremely well. Both are very valuable enterprises and they’re each only about a dozen years old. And they are both descendants of movie genres. Today there are the Golf Channel, Food Network and DiscoveryWings. None of these borrows its content from a proven, successful or hugely profitable movie genre. But the Horror Channel does."

Define "extremely well." The Sci-Fi Network has turned to airing John Edwards infomercials disguised as legitimate programming and quasi-reality crap like "Scare Tactics" in order to stay afloat. The first movie aired on the channel was "Star Wars," but this week you can look forward to "Highlander II" and "Highlander:Endgame," both "Sometimes The Come Back" films, and "Steel Dawn," the movie that made Patrick Swayze a household name in Namibia. They do manage to mix in the good film and some classic series here and there, but the channel's decision to air decidedly non-sci-fi fare like "Meet Joe Black" and "Junior" has got it circling the drain. When can we look forward to "Rabbit Test?"

And I'd be more excited about old episodes of "The Outer Limits" and "Twilight Zone" is they didn't consistently air in the 3-5 AM slot.

Comedy Central has actually managed to create original programming that, for one reason or another, appeals to a wide audience. "The Daily Show" is the best news program on right now, and shows like "South Park" and "The Man Show" continue to do well, proving America's affinity for vulgar pre-teens and women with large breasts. Color me surprised.

Channel co-founder Kim Bangash continues:

“It’s hard to believe that no one has put a Horror Channel on the air before,” Bangash adds. ”There have been attempts before that for one reason or another petered out. With the growing penetration of digital cable, today’s environment seems to be the most viable time to launch the Horror Channel. People can now get service with up to 1,000 channels, which makes this idea all the more of a no-brainer. I don’t need to tell you how popular this genre is. It is the last major feature-film genre that does not have a cable channel dedicated to its fanbase.”

Horror has also been the red-headed bastard child of the movie industry for the last twenty years (and before a brief era of popularity in the 1980's, the thirty years before that). Fox had to market "28 Days Later..." as a "viral thriller" because they didn't want the "horror" tag. Both it and "Cabin Fever" have reawakened some interest in the genre, but without more decent films to sustain people's curiosity (I'm not holding out much hope for "House of the Dead"), it won't last.

The Golf Channel works because a ton of people, for some unknown reason, love that golf. Same goes for the Food Network (and besides, how much does it cost to produce a show with one set, two cameras, and one guy making a souffle)? Horror fans, like many sci-fi fans, also tend to own the movies they want to watch. If I can get all the seasons of "Dark Shadows" and the "Alien" director's cut on DVD, why am I going to wait for it to air at 11 PM on a Tuesday night?

Of course, the question on every Fangorian’s lips is whether the programming will be shown uncensored. “Yes,” answers Psaltos. “Films will be uninterrupted and uncut. Older TV series will have the commercial interruptions that were originally edited into them. Some of the more graphic films will probably only be available on our sister Video On Demand channel.” Adds Bangash, “The advent of digital cable allows us many creative ways to keep the movies coming uncut.”

What the hell does that mean? Have you ever seen a horror movie worth its pus that wasn't too graphic? You guys need to define your parameters: blood's okay, but severed heads are out? Bare buns are all right, but naked breasts are verboten? Will we ever get to see Italian films like "Cannibal Apocalypse" or "Suspiria?"

I'm heartened by the news that Bangash and Psaltos have consulted some of the "giants" of the industry (Romero, Carpenter, del Toro) about programming, but...and no disrespect intended...what was the last decent movie Romero released (if you said "The Dark Half," please clean out your desk and leave my blog immediately)? Didn't everybody think "Ghosts of Mars" was crap? I liked "Blade II," personally, but Guilermo del Toro gives a lot of people hives.

Finally, and because no one asked, here are my suggestions for your fledgling network (offers for high-paying creative consultant positions can be left in the Comments section):

1) The movies absolutely, positively, have to be unedited. Unless your film library conists of nothing but things like the original "Haunting" and "Repulsion," the gore must flow.
2) Keep original programming to a minimum. We would rather watch "Frankenstein vs. the Wolfman" for the eleventh time than put up with another poorly conceived, "hip" series that doesn't know anything about the genre. I think anyone who's seen "Lexx" would agree with me.
3) Don't rely entirely on mainstream horror. We want to see Hammer and classic Universal films, but don't forget Abel Ferrara, Takashi Miike, Stuart Gordon...hell, Ed Wood and Roger Corman too.
4) Bring back Count Floyd.

Pleasant screams.

The Case Of Encyclopedia Brown's Mangled Corpse

Speaking of classics, this week's Onion has the shocking story of the death of famed detective Encyclopedia Brown:

IDAVILLE, FL—Police are currently investigating the death of police detective Leroy "Encyclopedia" Brown, 49, whose body was discovered in a Dumpster behind the Idaville Public Library Monday.

Police discovered Brown's badly beaten, nearly decapitated body after the detective failed to respond to routine radio check-in calls. Pages from Brown's battered casebook, which contained such cryptic entries as "Whales are mammals, not fish," and "Dinosaurs and cavemen did not live at the same time," were found stuffed in the detective's mouth.

Larry's blog has an entry on the prospects for a 4th "Law and Order" series. I wonder if Dick Wolf ever considered putting together "Law and Order: Idaville?"

"And you won't believe the "Law and Order" twist: wristwatches create tan lines!"

Boning up

"Slobberbone can keep a fan faithful; one need not cheat when each album improves upon the last." – Robert Wilonsky, Dallas Observer

Amen, brother.

My favorite band will be playing at the Continental Club in Houston this Friday. It's a good venue for the 'bone, as it's both bigger and less oppressively smoke-filled than upstairs at Rudyard's.

It's still pretty smoky, though. The better to keep wandering yuppies out.

In the four years I've been going to Slobberbone shows, I have yet to see them put on a bad one. That kind of consistency should be enough to win them more fans, but it's hard to get the word out when none of the fifteen local Clear Channel affiliates see fit to vary from their perpetual loop of Nickelback, Evanescence, and Corporate Unit Shifter #347.

So I'm going, at least. There's should be a decent crowd, especially considering it's been many moons since they played Houston. I've never seen the opening act, Back Porch Mary, but any band that plays the Crystal Bar in Alpine is all right with me.

Some jokes just write themselves

Ladies and gentlmen, Barbra Streisand!

LOS ANGELES, California (Reuters) -- Barbra Streisand says she finds listening to her own songs is so boring that it was one of the reasons she gave up public performances three years ago.

And I thought I was alone. Thanks, Babs.

Here's to the classics

*snicker*

The subtitle is what makes it, though the one on my copy would have read, "The timeless novel that put me to sleep throughout my junior year of high school."

I'm all for encouraging young 'uns to read, but man do I hate that book.

Say it ain't so, schmoe

Leonardo Leonardo: "Kill him!"
Plug: "Sir, I'm just a publicist."
Leonardo Leonardo: "Well then, kill him with bad publicity."
Plug: chuckles "Sir, there's no such thing as bad publicity."

According to London's Evening Standard, which has offered some wry coverage of the David Blaine stunt, all is not well with the Dangling Prick:

As Blaine's starvation spectacle in London descended into farce and violence - with even Sir Paul McCartney, as the Evening Standard revealed last week, launching into a four-letter tirade - across the Atlantic, Blaine's management could only watch the TV reports in horror as one of their prize assets threatened to become a reviled and pathetic figure, his ignominious and faltering stunt broadcast worldwide.

"What we saw appalled us," one of PMK's management said yesterday. "David is a huge star, a brand name in America on which an entire campaign was based and, suddenly, across the Atlantic, all the hard work and planning was being blown away. It left us dumbfounded."

A "huge star," eh? There's some interesting PR. Where exactly did PMK get the idea that a "brand name" in America would work in Britain? They drinking a lot of Bud Light in London these days?

The article goes on to tell of frantic 11th hour meetings between PMK, Britain's Channel 4, and Sky Television about the prospect of taking Blaine out of the box prematurely.

It's not simply that Blaine has fallen foul of the British penchant to poke fun at any kind of pretentiousness...Rather, at the heart of this story is a clash of cultures and ambitions. There are Blaine's American PR people - with their eyes on further multimillion-dollar "performances" around the world - and, up against them, British television executives, well-schooled in the art of hyping "reality TV", for whom Blaine's event is just another exercise in the ratings war.

Sounds like Blaine's people should be thanking the British for exposing their plan of further "performances" for the farce it is. If the moron can't hang peacefully in London, England - one of the few U.S.-friendly countries remaining - how's he going to fare in France? Or Germany?

Maybe they should've started in Toronto.

By last week, the Americans had had enough. "Blaine's management are beyond livid," one source privy to the dramatic meetings told me. "Basically, in their view, the British TV people didn't seem to care what happened to him as long as the ratings were up. This isn't "Big Brother." Frankly, he could die in there and they wouldn't give a s***. A spectator could die."

I love the smell of hypocrisy in the morning. Shocked, shocked I am that British TV people only care about ratings. American audiences - who put "101 Things Removed from the Human Body" and the Victoria's Secret special at the top of the ratings - will be equally surprised and offended. One Channel 4 exec reportedly responded to PMK's assault with, "You wanted publicity and you've got it." Word.

What are the odds they're already planning for Blaine to stage his death?

Heading the list of complaints the Blaine team brought with them from New York was the appalling lack of decent security at the site. "The security firm should be sacked - I mean, what is this? A public hanging? You can't have pictures of bloodied spectators being led away appearing around the world. What does that do for David's image?"

Is this a trick question? What kind of PR guys are these, who aren't even trying to exploit the whole death-defying angle to their advantage? Maybe Londoners are reacting the fact that Blaine's actual image is really quite boring, and are trying to spice it up.

The Standard goes on to describe Blaine's rise from middle-class obscurity, then returns to the PKM, that perpetually irate PR firm, and their efforts to find a London-based publicity team that can salvage the rest of the stunt.

One idea being discussed in New York is to create a proper VIP centre under the box in which visiting celebrities can come and "talk" to Blaine via hand-written cards they could hold up.

I suspect most visiting celebrities will put as much space as possible between themselves and Blaine, after what happened to Sir Paul and everything.

Another is to erect an electronic screen in which members of the public could text him messages from mobile phones.

Good idea. They can keep a running tally of how many times "Sod off, wanker" is sent.

"You now have fifteen seconds to comply, Mr. Mayor."

Does Houston mayoral candidate Sylvester Turner remind anyone else of Mayor Kuzack (Willard E. Pugh) in "Robocop 2?"

Turner seems to have that same throbbing vein potential for going completely batshit.

Maybe it's just me.

Read a banned book

Pop a cap in your inner fascist by celebrating Banned Book Week. It's the 21st anniversary of BBW, and the American Library Association has a number of resources on their web site, including a detailed list of relevant First Amendment cases and a rundown of the 100 most frequently challenged books. It's worth noting that many of the books featured are merely challenged and not actually banned. Even so, the fact that some of these books even made the list is disturbing.

And no, I'm not referring to Madonna's Sex. Hell, I considered burning that.

So what books have been banned (physically removed) by school libraries in the great state of Texas? You can get a list of the 36 that made the cut at BannedBooks.info (a spin off of the Texas ACLU and the Texas Library Association). Here are some highlights:

- Phyllis Reynolds Nalor should get some kind of award for having three books on the banned list, three on the restricted list, and three on the pending list. I'm not familiar with the Alice series, but maybe I need to check it out.
- Then Again, Maybe I Won't by Judy Blume: Some things never change. I remember the stink this book caused when I was in junior high. It had the predictable effect of making me and every one of my friends want to read it.
- All Stephen King books: I didn't think anyone but high school students still read King.
- A Prayer for Owen Meany by John Irving: I kind of agree with this one. Kids should read The World According to Garp instead.
- The Cold One and Die Softly: Die Softly by Christopher Pike: I'm surprised Pike was up to writing at all, after what happened on Talos V

Sorry. Lame "Star Trek" joke.

I also noticed that How to Eat Fried Worms is on the restricted list. Obviously Texas children are in danger of learning about the protagonist's struggle to down earthworms without puking and will be eager to try it for themselves.

I think I'm going to plant copies of Naked Lunch in some local schools. Seeing some of the books on the ALA's list - like Flubber ("flenser" must be Belgian for "rimjob") and Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance ("zen" being a "mystical" term) - really makes me look forward to joining the PTA.

"Hey sexy mama, wanna kill all humans?"

Robot-human love is one of those taboos that really hasn't been explored enough for my tastes (or maybe it has and I've just been blissfully unaware of it). The topic was touched upon in "A.I.," and there was a love-hate dynamic that ran through "Blade Runner." But with all the web sites devoted to sexing up animals, vegetables, minerals (or inanimate objects, anyway), and...other things, where are the pages devoted to hot, robot-meatbag action?

Oh wait, here's one:

She throws her arms around the Spaceknight's neck as he lifts her in his arms. She gives his faceplate a long kiss. Then she looks into his red glowing cyborg eyes and says...

Nope, couldn't get any further than that. However, whether you're a fan of Marvel's "ROM the Spaceknight" or just appreciate vaguely creepy fanfic combined with a level of obsessiveness impressive even for the internet, then "ROM and Me" is the best and most disturbing site devoted to a third-tier comic book character you'll ever see.

Thanks and therapy bills go once again to the Thing That Walks Like a Man.

Enough already

Was John Ritter really that great?

Does a modest career (although one that admittedly spanned thirty years) with a few intermittent peaks in popularity really warrant all the adulation being heaped upon him? To hear Henry "The Fonz" Winkler tell it in last night's Emmy Awards, we Americans have just borne witness to the passing of a titan of American entertainment, and I can't be the only one who isn't buying it.

I've got nothing against the man, honestly, and there are obviously many in the entertainment community who feel he was something special. But while he may have been a reasonably gifted physical comedian, take a look at his track record. There was a supporting role on "The Waltons," a show derided by all but the "Touched By an Angel" crowd; then "Three's Company," which registered as crap even upon my ten-year old mind, already saturated by 70's pop culture garbage. Continuing with TV, we have "Three's a Crowd," "Hooperman," "Fish Police," a few other failed series, guest starring roles on "Buffy" and "Felicity," and finally "8 Simple Rules." The net result: two successful starring television roles in 25 years.

Cinematically (and this doesn't really enter the equation but it supports my argument, so what the hell), there's "Hero At Large," "Wholly Moses," "Skin Deep", the "Problem Child" series, and a host of forgettable low-budget flicks. We'll allow the glowing reviews he got for "Sling Blade" and even up the ante by counting "Americathon," which is rather unappreciated.

I tried my level best to bite my tongue a couple weeks ago when all the news programs were including his and Johnny Cash's deaths in the same retrospectives simply because they both died the same day. Last night was the too much, however. Ritter gets a full on career retrospective (tellingly, it consisted of footage of him with dad Tex, "Three's Company," and "8 Simple Rules") while David Brinkley, Richard Crenna, Robert Stack, Roone Arledge, Johnny Cash, and Fred Rogers were relegated to ten second snippets during the "In Memoriam" segment. That being the portion of the show copped from the Oscars were everyone belatedly applauds the people who died in the past year.

Leaving Cash aside, I find it difficult to believe anyone would assert that Ritter had more of an impact on TV than David Brinkley, the man who helped revolutionize television news. Stack and Crenna were primarily movie figures, so the abbreviated attention paid to them is understandable, but Fred Rogers? Are the Emmy people honestly trying to argue that Ritter was a more influential and beloved person on television than Mr. freaking Rogers?

Of course, this is the same Algonquin Round Table that gave the Best Comedy Series award to the horrible "Everybody Loves Raymond" and the Best Drama Series award to the phantasmagorically delusional "West Wing." So I suppose I shouldn't be as surprised as I am.

I'm just curious.

The joke I've been making since 1991

When do you stop referring to it as "Final Fantasy" and just start calling it "Some More Fantasy," or "Fantasy Continued," or "Fantasy Ad Nauseum?"

Footballs to the wall

As a University of Texas alum, I felt it was my sovereign duty to hold off on writing about last week's spectacularly disheartening home loss to Arkansas until I could do so without sputtering profanities every third fucking word (See? I'm getting better). Tonight's annual whomping of Rice hasn't done much to elevate my hopes this season, primarily because Rice manages to lose to Duke the week before. Duke's football team would be hard pressed to beat my high school squad, and they played drunk half the time.

Okay, not really. But you get my point.

I'm a Longhorn fan, but I'm also a realist. And when UT gave it up like General Weygand to the Razorbacks last week, I realized the chances of a national championship for Texas were both slim and fat. This week's games may have opened a few doors where previously there had been none (how about Kansas State choking against Marshall?), the road to the BCS title leads through OU. And unless Bob Stoops suddenly gets called up, like Nuke Laloosh, to the big leagues (or - my preference - he departs on a spiritual quest through the wilderness for several years), I honestly don't see it happening.

The rumblings have been going on all week, so I'll just come out and say it: the gild is off Mack Brown's lily. He's had more than enough #1 recruiting classes to mold and shape into a national contender. At present, Stoops still leeches talent from Texas, Arkansas has another game against us next year to impress state high school prospects, and A&M has new appeal now that R.C. "Can't Go For It on 4th Down" Slocum is out and Franchione is in. Yes, yes...UT always ends up in the Top 5 or 10 at the end of the year, but until they beat Oklahoma it doesn't really mean anything. And until he can win the Big 12 and contend for a title, the rumblings aren't going to stop.

I don't think Mack's job is in danger. Yet. He'd have to lose to both OU and Texas A&M in the same year, as well as an early home game to an unranked team (albeit an unranked team that won the SEC East and beat the likes of Alabama and LSU a year ago).

UT plays Tulane next week. My recommendation is to give Vince Young some snaps in a game that actually counts. The running game looked iffy against Arkansas, and he presents a credible threat. Nothing against Chance Mock, but championships are built on what works, and if Young's game works for the Horns, he should be the starting QB.

Conversations with Famous People, Pt. 5

The Year: 2001
The Place: Baltimore-Washington International Airport, Baltimore, Maryland
The Person(s): USA Women's Soccer Players Mia Hamm and Brandi Chastain

Pete: Excuse me...
Team Manager: Are you with ESPN?
Pete: Nope.
Brandi Chastain: Leave him alone, Jim.
Pete: Would you mind if I took your picture?
Mia Hamm: Do we have to do anything?
Pete: Uh, a smile would be nice.
Mia Hamm: Okay.

Flash that sports bra for more "Conversation with Famous People."

Rock you like a hurricane

It's all coming together with Isabel. We've seen the build-up to the storm's arrival, the earnest preparations by homeowners, and now Isabel has made landfall on the North Carolina coast.

The Houston ABC affiliate has sent none other than ace weather reporter (and APCB favorite) Jessica Willey to Virginia to monitor the storm's progress, and they even have footage of her on their website. As luck would have it, I can't watch it from work. I'll have to wait until this evening to try on my home PC or, as a last resort, I suppose I could watch the local news. No big deal. It's probably not bikini-cam footage anyway.

Which, in retrospect, might not be such a bad thing, considering they sent hirsute blowhard Wayne Dolcefino to cover the storm as well.

It's a bird! It's a flan! It's...

Angle Grinder Man!

LONDON, England (Reuters) -- He wears a baby-blue spandex jumpsuit and shiny gold panties, gloves, cape, boots and goggles. He wields a giant, metal-cutting circular power saw.

He is Britain's self-styled "first wheel-clamp and speed camera vigilante cum subversive superhero philanthropist entertainer type person." That's who.

For those not familiar with industrial machine tools, an angle grinder is the saw best suited to cutting through plates of steel, such as, say, the wheel clamps that authorities use to immobilize illegally parked cars in London.

Noisy bastards they are, too. AGM must also have super speed - the better to escape the forces of government oppression - to accompany his wide selection of power tools.

All a clamped motorist has to do is call AGM's hotline and out comes the roadside rescue superhero to saw through the brace and release the car.

No, Angle Grinder Man! That's how they catch you!

Oh, what am I saying? AGM is surely too clever for such trickery.

Angle Grinder Man says his actions are a political protest against "the arrogant contempt that politicians hold for the people who put them in power."

So he's a "superhero with a message," kind of like the Super Friends (when they were on TV) or G.I. Joe. That's nice. Kids need a positive role model.

Right back to the crapola

Lots of useless garbage to talk about today. First, from the IMDb:

Affleck's Mother To Blame for Axed Wedding?

Actor Ben Affleck's mother Chris has emerged as the reason her son's wedding to Jennifer Lopez was canceled - because she didn't want him living in "a fish bowl" with the actress.

Or maybe the guy just wised up. Look, I'm not necessarily for or against this break-up - although maybe now they'll finally seep out our collective consciousness (and goobers like me will no longer feel compelled to write about it) - but look at the facts:

1) This would've been Lopez's third marriage at the tender age of 32. She dumped her first husband as her fame grew, and she dumped Cris Judd after meeting Affleck. Maybe he could've made an honest woman of her, but you gotta admit her track record, while not yet Elizabeth Taylor-like, isn't the best.
2) Even if only a percentage of the stories about "Jenny from the Block's" diva-like behavior are true, they'd still be enough to give a potential suitor pause. Perhaps she's capable of hanging out in boxers and a t-shirt while drinking Bud Light and watching a football game without an entourage, but I doubt it.
3) Affleck's a seething volcano of id. He managed to downplay the stripper imbroglio of a few months ago, but news about his recent all-night gambling trips and rumors of more than just friendly behavior between him and "Daredevil" co-star Jennifer Garner don't paint a picture of a guy ready to settle down.

Maybe J-Lo will find true love. Maybe B-Affle will finally settle down one day. Maybe when that time comes I'll finally have something worthwhile to write about.

Johnny Depp Signs for 'Fear and Loathing' Follow-Up

Movie hunk Johnny Depp has signed to star in a follow-up to hit film "Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas." Depp will join "Fear and Loathing" co-star Benicio Del Toro, Josh Hartnett and Nick Nolte in "The Rum Diary" - based on another of cult writer Hunter S. Thompson's hit novels.

Ah, now this is good news. I thought "Fear and Loathing" was about as close a realization of Thompson's book as you could get, and Depp nailed the role of Raoul Duke. Just a fantastic movie. The story mentioned Del Toro will be directing as well. I just hope he can do half as good a job as Terry Gilliam.

Of course, it wouldn't be an update without something truly inane. Courtesy, as usual, of my friend Justin:

Halliwell Dates Hollywood Star

Former Spice Girl singer Geri Halliwell's dreams of conquering Hollywood may be poised to come true - she's been snapped cozying up to movie hunk Jerry O'Connell. The popular actor - whose last film "Kangaroo Jack" topped the American box office earlier this year - left a glitzy London restaurant on Tuesday with a broad smile and an arm around Halliwell. The pair met on the set of upcoming film "Fat Slags" - O'Connell plays a rich bachelor while the Wannabe star has taken on the role of his assistant. And the romance is evidently in full swing - she's already met the actor's parents.

"Popular actor?" The Artist Formerly Known as Ginger Spice certainly couldn't be accused of aiming as high as her ex-bandmate Posh. I mean, O'Connell was pretty good in in "Stand By Me" and even "Joe's Garage," but he's far from an A-list star. "Kangaroo Jack" may have "topped" the notoriously sluggish January box office, but it's #71 on the IMDb's list of 100 worst movies for a reason.

I'm not really one to talk, considering I own a copy of "Spice World." And if you'd seen Ms. Halliwell in her Wonder Woman costume, you'd own it too.

Too much coffee, man

Seattle Voters Nix 10-Cent Espresso Tax

With 97 percent of precincts reporting early Wednesday, 69 percent of voters opposed the tax. The initiative served a jolt of controversy to an otherwise sleepy off-year primary election.

"You can't tax coffee. It just doesn't work," said coffee shop owner Jeff Babcock, celebrating the victory at a downtown espresso store.

Well, it wasn't going to be a tax on coffee exactly...

The measure would have taxed espresso drinks a dime per cup, with the revenue going to fund preschool and day-care programs. The tax would have been levied on any drink with half an ounce or more of espresso.

Initiative sponsor John Burbank said people who spend $3 to $5 on coconut mochas or iced vanilla lattes could afford an extra dime for kids. "It's a disappointing vote," he said.

As much as I hate saying anything against an initiative designated as "for the children" (and though I don't live in Seattle), I tend to agree with those who noted that an espresso tax isn't exactly the best way to fund children's programs. Hopefully voters will step up to the plate when the Families and Education Levy come up for renewal next year.

But I almost changed my mind after reading the comments of certain tax opponents in this story about the defeated Initiative 77:

"This is not a luxury," 34-year-old tech support worker Rob Marker said solemnly, hoisting his iced vanilla mocha on the sidewalk outside the hip cafe Coffee Messiah.

"Here I am, forced to pay more for my basic necessity to fund irresponsibility," said Marker, warming to the topic. "I believe people have kids without considering it. I take issue with the greater issue of public funding for child care. Yes, it's needed, but it also feeds irresponsibility."

You're an idiot. Normal drip coffee wasn't included in the initiative precisely becuase it is viewed as a necessity. Anything called an "iced vanilla mocha," on the other hand, is probably not going to be included in UNICEF packages.

Apparently tacking an extra dime onto the $4.50 he pays for his mocha is somehow going to encourage low-income mothers to have more kids so they can maybe get a shot at those sweet, sweet city child care subsidies.

Then there was this guy, from the Economist article on the tax:

“Education is an issue for everyone—why single out espresso drinkers?” asked Nathaniel Jackson, owner of two Seattle coffee stands. He serves dozens of students and other impecunious sorts, who spend $3 for an espresso drink...

Maybe because espresso drinkers (even "impecunious" ones, as the magazine pointedly noted) are dumb enough to cough up $3 a pop for those overpriced affronts to all things coffee-related. It'll be interesting to see what, if anything, happens when Starbuck's decides to arbitrarily jack up prices by five or ten cents. Will anyone care?

As for me, I like my coffee like my women: bitter.

"I totally outlived Jesus"

This sensitive young man gives voice to all the disenfranchised thirty-somethings out there:

Yeah, I outlived Buddy Holly, James Dean, and now, the big one: Christ Almighty, Himself! That's no small thing. I might not have done as much good in the world, but if I want to, I totally have the time! Shit, I'm probably going to live twice as long as Jesus!

Boo-yah! Burn on you, Jesus!

Indeed.

It's not just a Def Leppard album anymore

Ashcroft Rips Anti-Patriot Act 'Hysteria'

WASHINGTON - Attorney General John Ashcroft denounced as "hysteria" the contention by some librarians and civil liberties groups that the FBI can use a new anti-terror law to snoop into Americans' reading habits.

In a speech Monday to an American Restaurant Association conference, Ashcroft said people are being wrongly led to believe that libraries have been "surrounded by the FBI," with agents "dressed in raincoats, dark suits and sunglasses. They stop everyone and interrogate everyone like Joe Friday."

The American Restaurant Association? I guess we can all breathe easier that our drink tabs aren't in danger of being subpoenaed, because sometimes I order those pina coladas with whipped cream, and I wouldn't want to hurt my street cred.

The Attorney General also had this to say in defense of the Patriot Act:

Ashcroft said, however, that subpoenas of library records are closely scrutinized by federal judges, and the FBI, with 11,000 agents, could never begin to monitor the reading habits of millions of library patrons even if it wanted to.

The main reason an FBI agent would want library records is to track use of its publicly available computers, which terrorists have been known to use to communicate, Justice Department officials say. They say use of the power is extremely infrequent.

So 11,000 agents aren't enough to keep track of books checked out - a list of which are kept in a handy database under the borrower's name, but they'll have no problem monitoring public computer use - when all that's required for that (at my local library anyway) is that you flash your card at someone at the desk? Gotcha.

All this brings to mind a funny story: seems there was this incumbent Missouri Senator who lost the 2000 election...to a dead guy. I mean, what kind of psychotic, scare-mongering whack job do you have to be in order for someone to cast their vote for a corpse instead of for you?

Now that's hysterical.

"You can't hurry good pizza."

The Cybersexual Adventures of J-Dogg have been posted at Metafilter. I've never "cybered," personally (mostly because I never felt compelled to masturbate while instant messaging middle-aged men who pose as teenage Japanese girls). But if I ever decide to, this would be the technique to emulate:

J-Dogg: Slip out of those pants baby, yeah.
BritneySpears27: I slip out of my pants, just for you, J-Dogg.
J-Dogg: Oh yeah, aight. Aight, I put on my robe and wizard hat.
BritneySpears27: Oh, I like to play dress up.
J-Dogg: Me too baby.
BritneySpears27: I kiss you softly on your chest.
J-Dogg: I cast Lvl. 3 Eroticism. You turn into a real beautiful woman.
BritneySpears27: Hey...
J-Dogg: I meditate to regain my mana, before casting Lvl. 8 Cock of the Infinite.

Hm. "J-Dogg." That sure sounds familiar.

Thanks to Ginger for the link.

Solid

Jim Kelly (no, not the four-time Super Bowl loser), of "Black Belt Jones" and "Enter the Dragon" fame, will be appearing in person September 27 at the West Oaks Alamo Drafthouse. The theater will be showing both "Jones" and "Dragon" in what is sure to be a super-bad night of Scatman-fu, hippie whomping, and general martial arts mayhem. I've got my tickets.

Well, my good buddy Justin has my tickets, but he assures me I only have to buy him two buckets of Schlitz in exchange.

Image courtesy of BadAssMovieImages.com

"Item"-izing

Karin at hanging-fire.net had an interesting exercise on her site last week involving the inevitable "Items" that follow all celebrities around. You know, like how anytime someone talks about William Gibson they have to mention that he coined the term "cyberspace."

Here are some I came up with:

- Wilt Chamberlain and his claim of sleeping with 20,000 women
- Van Gogh cutting off his own ear
- Richard Gere and...you know...
- Pee Wee Herman and his porno theater exploits
- George Lucas and "Howard the Duck"

Hey, somebody has to answer for "Howard the Duck."

Anyone else?

Slip slidin' away

More litigious fun, from the IMDb:

Toy Company Sues Paramount

Leading American toy maker Wham-o Inc. is suing Paramount Pictures for featuring one of their products in a new movie without its permission. The manufacturer is unhappy the Hollywood studio used its Slip 'N Slide outdoor water toy without authorization in "Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star," which stars David Spade. And Wham-O is especially furious with one scene where Spade's character dives onto a dry Slip 'N Slide - which is meant to be wet - and rolls over with painful red marks all over his chest, screaming, 'Oooh, it stings.' The scene also features in Paramount's trailers for the comedy flick.

I forget, did Wham-o sue Fox for that "Simpsons" episode where Bart throws a Frisbee brand flying disc(TM) and recklessly hits Santa's Little Helper right in the eyeballs? I predict this suit will fail simply because it relies on the false assumption that the average child is dumber than David Spade.

Whatchoo talkin' about, 9th Circuit Court?

Your vote for Gary Coleman, or anybody else, to be next governor of California will have to wait:

SAN FRANCISCO, California (CNN) -- A federal appeals court has blocked the October 7 California recall, but stayed its order for seven days to allow an appeal.

The ruling from the 9th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals follows a hearing last week in which the American Civil Liberties Union sought a postponment of the vote.

The ACLU argued that election officials should have more time to replace antiquated voting machines in several California counties.

If Monday's ruling stands, the recall vote would be moved to March 2004.

Antiquated, shmantiquated. Where do we go for our freakshow antics now?

Oh right, Ben and J-Lo broke up. *whew*

A modest suggestion

I'm glad to have comments. Many of us who don't have weblogs in the upper echelon of the most-read lists are probably gratified to know that people are compelled in some way by what we write to remark on it.

That said, I seem to have become a recent (albeit minor) surf-by target for the pro-Kobe Bryant crowd. Leaving aside the obvious question of why people would bother commenting on an entry that is months old (and against my better judgement), I'll just point out a few things.

First there was "Roust," who deigned to drop in on my Hero or the Goat entry on August 8, a mere month and a half after it appeared here to inform me that the alleged victim is after "millions and millions of $$$$$$$$!!!!" Let me once again ask the question of why anyone would want to go through the ordeal of accusing a heretofore immensely popular NBA star in order to make some bucks? If money was the only motive (and, as far as I know, no civil suit has been filed in the matter), why not go after one of the numerous pro basketball players with a history of such behavior?

Then there's "alex." Alex recently happened upon my July 23 entry on Los Angeles-based, (alleged) wife-beating shock jock Tom Leykis, who named Kobe Bryant's accuser on the air, and decided the time was ripe to air his antipathy towards the feminist movement. To help demonstrate this, Alex used quotes from (among others) Andrea Dworkin, Marilyn French, and Catherine MacKinnon, three figures who aren't exactly paragons of rational feminist thought.

I didn't really understand Alex's point. He asserts that "feminist propaganda" got its start in Nazi Germany and the former Soviet Union, which would make it one of the only things those two regimes ever had in common. Then he brings up the low ratio of conviction to accusation to demonstrate how women must be lying en masse in the majority of rape cases. Finally, he pastes what I can only assume is his entire anti-feminist quote file into his comments.

If wanting to hear how an accusation of rape plays out in criminal court, or asserting that a woman should have the right to go where she pleases - even into a professional athlete's hotel room - without being molested, or believing that no means no - no matter when during the sexual negotitation or act it takes place - makes me a "feminist," then so be it.

To these guys I ask: rather than slinking around the internet looking for likely spots to troll your incoherent bilge, why not just start a goddamned weblog of your own?

Hell, that's what I did.

Insult to injury

"Injury," in this case, meaning "death after a long illness."

Larry has brought to our attention the fact that the 2004 Rock and Roll Hall of Fame nominations were released today and, once again, Warren Zevon is nowhere to be found:

NEW YORK - Former Beatle George Harrison (news), Prince, John Mellencamp (news) and Jackson Browne (news) are among the nominees on the 2004 Rock and Roll Hall of Fame ballot.

Previous nominees back for another try include the Sex Pistols, Black Sabbath, Lynyrd Skynyrd, Gram Parsons and Patti Smith. Other nominees include The Dells, The "5" Royales, Bob Seger, the Stooges, Traffic and ZZ Top.

I was a little surprised to find the Sex Pistols weren't already in, likewise Patti Smith and Black Sabbath. But Bob Seger? Shouldn't having a song featured in a car commercial officially strip you of any "rock and roll" designation?

On second thought, I guess not. That would probably disqualify 90% of current inductees.

Artists can be indicted into the Hall as long as it's been 25 years since their first album was released. Zevon released "Wanted: Dead or Alive" in 1969. The math is easy to do, especially if you add the present Hall of Famers who collaborated on "The Wind" (and even subtracting Billy Bob Thornton).

Love on the rocks...ain't no surprise

More cream of the Austin Chronicle personals here. Not so much the "love that dare not speak its name" as "the love that should probably just keep its mouth shut."

APCB is all about spreading the love. Or spreading something, at any rate.

1) Shout in the dark. You: angry bum at spillway, "calling the cops" at 5 a.m. us: naked swim team having a wrist-breaking good time -- how about a rematch? #2236

2) June. Chevron at Riverside and Congress. I held the door for you. Trust me. You noticed me. Call me. #2182

3) You: scar on face. Me, shaved head. Us, Dobie bathroom. Want to try more?

I suddenly feel like Al Pacino in "Cruising."

Double Whammy

First WZ, now the Man in Black:

(CNN) -- He was a poor sharecropper's son from Kingsland, Arkansas, who sang to himself while picking cotton in the fields -- then later sang to millions through recordings, concerts and his late-'60s TV variety show.

He became a country music statesman who found a home with rap-rock producer Rick Rubin's American Recordings.

He was called the "Man in Black," who once sang "I shot a man in Reno/Just to watch him die," but opened his concerts with the friendly, modest greeting, "Hello, I'm Johnny Cash."

Johnny Cash -- legend, model, icon -- died Friday. He was 71.

What a crummy week for music fans.

Na na na na na na na na...Batman!

Everyone can get on with their lives again, Dark Horizons has the scoop on who'll be playing the next Batman:

Batman: ITS OFFICIAL - the new Batman/Bruce Wayne is none other than the "American Psycho" himself, Christian Bale. In a press release issued today, Warners has confirmed that Bale has landed the starring role in Chris Nolan's upcoming new incarnation of the franchise which begins shooting early next year. Of Bale, Nolan says "What I see in Christian is the ultimate embodiment of Bruce Wayne. He has exactly the balance of darkness and light that we were looking for"

How obvious was this? "Bateman" vs. "Batman?" Make Bruce Wayne a Huey Lewis fan as well and the movie practically writes itself.

And while removing Joel Schumacher from the mix was a good first step, I have a few other suggestions for Mr. Nolan:

1) Forget nipples on the Batsuit - attach an udder
2) Bring back Bat-Mite
3) Reinstate those sound effect balloons from the TV show ("Zowie!" "Biff!" "Chunder!")

Take care of those and you've got my $7.50

Wang dang sweet tube pain

"Why did you just shiver, Mom?" "I...don't know."

Ted Nugent Gets Reality Show

NEW YORK - Rocker Ted Nugent (news) is getting into the reality show craze with his own reality show called "Surviving Nugent."

Seven daring souls will try to survive Nugent's all-terrain universe for cash and prizes. The seven include a vegan, a gay man, a New Yorker and a sex kitten. The two-hour reality event will premiere Oct. 5 on VH1.

Nugent is most known for the song "Cat Scratch Fever."

Around Houston, he's most known for the comment, "If you're not gonna speak English, get the f*ck out of America," spoken at an April, 2000 show with KISS that got him banned from the Cynthia Woods Mitchell Pavillion.

Still, if I was going to put money down on a battle royale between the Nuge and other celebrity reality show types (Busey, Ozzy, Anna Niciole), I'd have to lay odds on Ted. He's the only one with any proficiency in ranged weapons, after all.

Obligatory 9/11 blog

Two years ago this morning, I was getting ready for work when someone on the radio mentioned a fire at the World Trade Center. I turned on the news just in time to see the second plane hit. I'd like to tell you I pulled a Robert Oppenheimer and muttered something bleak and filled with portent, but I think the best I managed was, "Holy fuck."

There are, apparently two schools of thought concerning blogging about 9/11: there's the Jim Henley approach, which encourages us not to obsess over the events of two years ago; then there's everybody else. While I agree with the spirit of the Henley piece, I'd point out that I wasn't blogging this time last year, so forgive me my bringing up a couple points. I'll try to be brief.

1) As it did last year with the original PATRIOT Act, the Bush Administration is exploiting the anniversary of 9/11 and the memory of its victims. This time, it's the Domestic Security Enhancement Act of 2003, or PATRIOT II (Dogmatic Boogaloo), which Bush attemtpted to sneak into Congress earlier this year and is trying to re-introduce. The full text of the act can be found here. In a nutshell, the Act picks up where PATRIOT left off, further allowing the government greater leeway in surveiling its citizens and rolling back their freedoms. There's also a report up at People for the American Way about the rights you've already lost. Thanks to Chuck (I think) for the link.

2) Fred Kaplan at MSNBC has eloquently written about something that's been bugging me for the better part of a year about the Bush administration's actions following 9/11: namely, we blew it. Specifically, we squandered the goodwill resulting from the WTC attacks. Bush and Co. used the almost global outpouring of support following 9/11 to ascend the bully pulpit at the ensuing NATO summit in Prague. They then gave the UN the finger with regard to the war against Iraq, and have only recently begun to make overtures to the organization again (amazing what stretching your forces so thin will do).

Kaplan sums up thusly:

In his televised speech Sunday night, [Bush] referred to the allied nations that had opposed the war as “our friends,” a phrase he had not bestowed on them for a very long time. He has extended his hand a bit late in the game. Two years ago, even one year ago, Bush could have delivered such a speech with an air of strength and mutual confidence. Now it is seen, all too clearly, as a sign of desperation and therefore of dubious authenticity. The opportunity presented by 9/11 may not be irretrievably lost, but it has been muffed, and its recovery will require more decisive signals than Bush has so far sent. It will also, to be fair, require a less prickly world-weariness on the part of the French and Germans. Maybe they should reconvene the Prague Summit and, this time, take it seriously.

Good luck.

Thanks for reading. APCB will return to its regularly scheduled crapola momentarily.

All the news that's tits

News to me:

WASHINGTON (AP) -- When you think about news shows, what comes to mind? There's "Meet the Press." And "Face the Nation." And now, Howard Stern's radio show.

That's right. The Federal Communications Commission ruled Tuesday that Stern's raunchy radio program is a "bona fide news interview" program.

This says more about the farce that is the FCC than about Stern's show, which convinced legions of morning DJs that commuters are somehow titilated by listening to them interview topless women.

The decision was in response to a request made by New York-based Infinity Broadcasting Operations Inc., which wanted a ruling that its widely syndicated Stern show is a news program and exempt from equal time requirements for political candidates.

The decision will allow Stern to put actor Arnold Schwarzenegger on the air without having to offer time to the scores of other candidates running for governor in California.

Schwarzenegger if he's lucky. I imagine Stern's schedulers are angling for Mary Carey and Gary Coleman first, since they fit better with Stern's core demographic. You'd have a tough time convincing me Cruz Bustamante or Tom McClintock would go within a five mile radius of the show. Though why they wouldn't to have a wide-ranging discussion on the size of their genitals or how many women they've slept with is beyond me.

Still, the same exemption has been given to "Jerry Springer" and "Sally Jesse Raphael," so it's hard to get to irate about it. Still, someone found a way:

The FCC's latest decision didn't go over well with Andrew Schwartzman, president of the Media Access Project, a Washington-based media watchdog group.

"Howard Stern isn't 'bona fide' anything," Schwartzman said. He said the decision "mocks that system by equating Howard Stern with Tim Russert," host of NBC's "Meet the Press."

And Russert mocked the system himself by regularly appearing on the radio program of a known racist and homophobe.

"Book 'em, SpongeBob!"

The RIAA has drawn first blood in their file-sharing lawsuits by settling a lawsuit for $2,000...with a 12-year old girl:

WASHINGTON -- A 12-year-old girl in New York who was among the first to be sued by the record industry for sharing music over the Internet is off the hook after her mother agreed Tuesday to pay $2,000 to settle the lawsuit, apologizing and admitting that her daughter's actions violated U.S. copyright laws.

The hurried settlement involving Brianna LaHara, an honors student, was the first announced one day after the Recording Industry Association of America filed 261 such lawsuits across the country. Lawyers for the RIAA said Brianna's mother, Sylvia Torres, contacted them early Tuesday to negotiate.

"We understand now that file-sharing the music was illegal," Torres said in a statement distributed by the recording industry. "You can be sure Brianna won't be doing it anymore."

Yeah, I guess not. I'll sleep better knowing this threat to democracy and obscene compact disc profits has learned her lesson.

The case against Brianna was a potential minefield for the music industry from a public relations standpoint. The family lives in a city housing project on New York's Upper West Side, and they said they mistakenly believed they were entitled to download music over the Internet because they had paid $29.99 for software that gives them access to online file-sharing services.

In that case, fine her family another couple grand for being clueless. Kazaa and Morpheus are still free, as far as I know.

What's next for thr RIAA, kicking puppies? Endorsing NAMBLA? Releasing a Billy Ray Cyrus box set?

Of course, you have to read further to get to the truly horrific part of the article:

[Brianna's mother] said Brianna downloaded music by Christina Aguilera and Mariah Carey, along with the themes to television shows like "Family Matters" and "Full House" -- and even the nursery song that begins, "If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands."

The truth comes out; she wasn't fined for swapping files, but for her appalling lack of musical taste.

"Full House?" Ye gods.

The illusion of talent

"His name is Blane? That's a major appliance, not a name!"

Where would we be without cheap shots (especially from a guy with the last name "Vonder Haar")? If we're lucky, we wouldn't be getting constantly harassed by passers-by like celebrity con artist David Blaine. He's evidently having a bit of trouble with the locals during his latest publicity stunt:

t was probably inevitable, given the publicity the event received on live television. Over the weekend, onlookers threw eggs at Blaine's cell 9m above the ground, women threw their fish and chips on the ground and exposed their breasts in an attempt to break his fast and his will, and a man who grew bored watching Blaine sleeping on the permanent TV coverage left his home in South London at night and arrived at the site with a large drum, which he banged to wake Blaine up. The attempt succeeded.

Cry me a river. This is an "endurance test," right? So endure.

The London mob is nothing if not inventive. One group teed up golf balls on the Tower Bridge approaches and attempted to drive them at the glass box, until security guards confiscated their clubs.

A spokesman for Sky TV admitted there had been a number of incidents during the first night, and that security had been tightened, with the erection of a 2m fence around the site and a doubling of the number of guards.

I'm certainly impressed by the man's steely resolve in the face if adversity. But wait, this just in:

But Blaine may have broken his own rules. Yesterday the box was lowered close to the ground to have the egg stains removed, and he is said to have exchanged a few words with his girlfriend, German model Manon von Gerkan. Once he was up again his support team held up a notice reading: "We need to keep all verbal communication to a minimum."

Hm, a "supp