A Perfectly Cromulent Blog

Pete's 2004 Movie Preview, Pt. 2

In which we look at the films coming out in the latter half of 2004...

JULY

Spider-Man 2 - Will Sony be disappointed when this "only" grosses $275 million? Will they then fire Sam Raimi for not including a "Mary Jane in the rain" scene and hire the director of Y Tu Mamá También?
King Arthur - Movies based on the Arthurian legend should've been subjected to a 50-year moratorium after First Knight. Still, I'm curious about the stills that appear to depict Guinevere as a Dark Ages ninja.
A Cinderella Story - Approximately the 120th rendition of the "Cinderella" story on film, only this one has been "modernized" (a cell phone instead of a glass slipper) for our enjoyment.
"I hope it has a happy ending. I love happy endings." - The Waco Kid
I, Robot - It's been so long since I read Asimov's book the details are hazy. Will Smith generally gives me the hives, but I've liked Alex Proyas' work on The Crow and Dark City. This one sounds like a long lunch hour matinee.
The Bourne Supremacy - In the bloody Damon-Affleck Wars of 2002, The Bourne Identity clearly mopped the floor with The Sum Of All Fears. I'll check this one out fairly early in its run, although I wish they'd skip Supremacy and go straight to The Bourne Ultimatum, which was a better book.
Whatever, Franke Potente is in it.
Catwoman - Giving new meaning to the term, "loosely based on."

AUGUST

Alien vs. Predator - Jesus, this one's been a long time coming. First the comic, then the toys, and finally the video games. I'm trying not to let the words, "From the director of Resident Evil" empty my body of hope. I do like the fact that Lance Henriksen's character in this is the man who founds the Weyland-Yutani company from the Alien movies.
Collateral - From the Dark Horizons preview page: "Plot: A cab driver finds himself the hostage of an engaging contract killer as he makes his rounds from hit to hit during one night in LA. He must find a way to save both himself and one last victim." "One last victim?" Guess the previous ones weren't as hot as Jada Pinkett Smith.
Ah, the whole premise is flawed. How is one killer going to match firepower against a cabbie, most of whom are armed like Navy SEALS?
Blade: Trinity - A Matrix crossover? Ha ha, no. Writer/director David Goyer originally wanted to make this third installment a "Planet of the Vampires" tale where Blade stands alone against the bloodsucking hordes (though one wonders why he'd bother at that point). Worries that the film would be "too dark" (and probable threatened legislation from Richard Matheson) means Trinity will actually have Blade squaring off against a resurrected Dracula. Hey, at least Jon Bon Jovi's not in it.
A Sound of Thunder - A big game hunter goes back in time to hunt dinosaurs, kills a butterfly, and accidentally erases humanity from existence. And me all out of "Simpsons" time travel jokes.
Anacondas - From a communiqué intercepted outside Screen Gems headquarters: "Hey, if one snake in the original movie was scary, think how much scarier a bunch of them will be! Oh, did we mention none of the original cast are returning? Not even Jon Voight, and we all know how discriminating he is."
Man-Thing - I guess no one at Artisan could afford the rights to "Peter Porker: The Spider-Ham."

SEPTEMBER

The Amityville Horror - Considering that no writer or director had been announced as of this entry, feel free to keep your hopes up for a high-quality remake.
Resident Evil: Apocalypse - The first Resident Evil was an unforgivably boring turd of a film, so there's absolutely no anticipation for this one. That's a shame, because the trailer is actually pretty amusing.
Constantine - It serves everyone involved in this movie right that the plot sounds like something out of Angel. What's really upsetting about the pending cinematic version of one of my all-time favorite comics is that I can't decide if Keanu Reeves is actually much worse of a choice to play John Constantine than Nicolas Cage.
Wimbledon - I think everyone will agree that a movie about the professional tennis circuit is something that will fascinate audiences across the United Kingdom. I hope there's some bullet-time match point scenes, too.

OCTOBER

Shark Tale - Here's an idea: make an animated feature and set it undersea. You'll make millions, or you'll just be accused of ripping of Pixar. Again.
Ladder 49 - Given the (understandable) adulation heaped upon firefighters in the last few years, I'm surprised it's taken this long to make another movie about them. And not a Baldwin in sight.
Taxi - Once again, an American studio appropriates a foreign film property that was never released stateside and makes what promises to be an inferior version. With Queen Latifah and Jimmy Fallon, no less. At least in a movie, Fallon will get as many takes as he needs to keep from cracking up at his own jokes.
The Mask 2 - That dancing baby from Ally McBeal must have one hell of an agent. I saw this preview a few days ago and thought I was finally being punished for all those times I took the Lord's name in vain.

NOVEMBER

Alexander - Forget the Persians, can Colin Farrell ever tame those eyebrows?
The Incredibles - Pixar continues its hyper global domination of all things animated. My daughter won't be old enough to appreciate it, but you can bet your ass I'll be dragging her along anyway.
Flight of the Phoenix - If this is in fact a remake of the 1965 Jimmy Stewart film, I'll probably pass. What we really need is a remake of "Flight of the Navigator," only this time David uses the spaceship to destroy his enemies and impress girls.
The Polar Express - Tom Hanks provides the voice of the main character, a boy who takes a train to the North Pole to see if Santa is real (this was also the inspiration for Call of the Wild). The big news, however, is the re-teaming of Hanks and "Bosom Buddies" co-star Peter Scolari.
Oky, so they both appeared in That Thing You Do! as well, give me a break.
The Ring 2 - Keep cranking those horror movies out, Japan. After all, we'd hate for our studios over here to run out of ideas.
SpongeBob SquarePants - Face it, this could be 78 minutes of SpongeBob dancing to "Hit That Perfect Beat" and it'd still pull in $150 million. Just succumb and get it over with.
Surviving Christmas - Ben Affleck plays a guy who rents a family for Christmas. Let's hope he remembers to rent an audience to go along with them.

DECEMBER

Closer - The appeal of Julia Roberts continues to elude me. Apparently I'm alone on this, as her movies consistently gross hundreds of millions of dollars. Closer (which features Jude Law for the ladies) promises to do the same, even if I end up outside every theater in town screaming at people that Pretty Woman was sentimentalist crap, Runaway Bride was insultingly predictable, even by Hollywood romance standards, and her character in My Best Friend's Wedding was a spiteful, arrogant pain in the ass that no one in their right mind would want to marry.
Ocean's Twelve - Apparently the haul from Andy Garcia's casino wasn't as much as they'd hoped. And they break into the Vatican? Will they find the giant spider from "South Park?"
Skipping Christmas - The joke I want to make is far too obvious, even for a Tim Allen movie.
The Aviator - Scorcese appears to be taking the easy way out and ending the film in 1946, well before Howard Hughes' maharishi days.
Cinderella Man - Can we put Russell Crowe and Cuba Gooding, Jr. on opposite ends of the Oscar-winner career spectrum yet? Crowe may be a boor in real life, but he knows how to pick his roles. I'm not sure how compelling turn-of-the-century boxing scenes will be to today's audiences, their pupils fixed and dilated by endless Matrix ripoffs and jump cuts, but this one could be interesting.
Of course, with Ron Howard directing, it could also be utter crap.
Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events - Another movie based on another series of books I'm going to end up having to read.
Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason - For a romantic comedy, the first Bridget Jones was actually quite good. Nothing's funnier than the ongoing saga of size -2 Renee Zellweger "packing on the pounds" so she can look like a normally sized woman, however.
Meet the Fockers - Sorry, but Meet the Parents was one of the most overrated comedies I've ever seen. Sure, nobody does a slow burn like De Niro, but mixing in some acting once in a while couldn't hurt. I'd see this if Stiller's parents turned out to be sleeper terrorists and it was up to De Niro's character to torture them in order to uncover theirn plans. Otherwise, nah.
The Phantom of the Opera - The Phantom? Boy, we're really ending with a whimper here. Andrew Lloyd Webber is fascinating to me, because I'm convinced that Cats is really an elaborate joke on audiences that no one got. His Phantom's not much better, but my opinions on musical theater are so scattershot I'm willing to accept I might be missing something inherently appealing about it.
Cats, though. Whoosh.

Okay, that about does it. Hope everyone has a happy new year, and we'll see you in '04.

Pete's 2004 Movie Preview, Pt. 1

At A Perfectly Cromulent Blog, we tend to shy away from such things as year-end retrospectives and top 10 lists. Enough of these compilations are put together every year that one more set by yours truly would simply disappear like so much Skoal juice in a can of Bud Ice. We prefer to look forward, not backward; upward, not forward; and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom.

So without further ado and only a few more "Simpsons" references, here's my 2004 movie preview, presented in chronological order for your convenience.

JANUARY

Chasing Liberty - Because Mandy Moore is the first name that springs to mind when visualizing a remake of "Roman Holiday"
Along Came Polly - When did Ben Stiller abandon irony? Executives must be banking that Jennifer Aniston can put more butts in the seats than Sandra Bullock in Forces of Nature, or Darlanne Fluegel in Tough Guys, or Julia Louis-Dreyfuss in "Hunka Hunka Burns In Love," all of which have almost identical subplots.
Torque - I'll let this quote from the official site speak for me: "Racing across the desert in a perilous attempt to prove his innocence and convince Shane that he's worth a second chance, Ford must outrace his enemies if he wants to clear his name and live to ride another day." For some reason, I keep thinking of Megaforce.
The Butterfly Effect - "If you ever travel back in time, don't step on anything because even the tiniest change can alter the future in ways you can't imagine." At least Somewhere In Time had Jane Seymour.
Mindhunters - Oft delayed and actually released at Cannes in 2003 to widespread "meh" reviews. A group of FBI trainees are stranded on an island as an unseen killer stalks and kills them. Renny Harlin looks to continue the success of "Cutthroat Island" and "Driven."
The Big Bounce - I really haven't heard much about this one. I like Gary Sinise, Morgan Freeman, and (usually) Owen Wilson. But will Charlie Sheen and his perpetual cocaine-induced thousand yard stare be enough to ruin it?
The Perfect Score - Silly teenagers. Acing the SAT isn't the hard part, it's affording tuition.
You Got Served - Breakin' 3?

FEBRUARY

Miracle - The horse from History of the World finally gets his own movie. What? Oh, it's actually about the 1980 "Miracle on Ice." Kurt Russell plays Herb Brooks. No word on whether Dolph Lundgren gets a cameo as a Soviet player.
50 First Dates - The ubiquitous Rob Schneider, Maya Rudolph and Dan Aykroyd are just a few of the "SNL" alumni Adam Sandler is cramming into this. Looks like Sandler sings again, too. Hot damn.
Against the Ropes - It's now apparent that Meg Ryan got her lips done in order to more effectively portray a woman involved in boxing.
Kill Bill: Vol. 2 - Where we find out Bill is actually played by Ethan Hawke.
Broken Lizard's Club Dread - I freely admit to laughing my ass off at Super Troopers, Broken Lizard's earlier effort, so I'm looking forward to this one. Though I suspect I'll be seeing it by myself.
Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights - Nobody puts Fidel in a corner!

MARCH

Starsky and Hutch - This will be better than Zoolander, how?
Agent Cody Banks 2 - Initially I thought they were rushing these out to avoid the awkwardness of having the leads mature too rapidly for the "kid secret angle" to be convincing (e.g. Spy Kids 3). Now that Frankie Muniz is looking like this generation's Ralph Macchio, I'm not sure I understand the rush.
The Girl Next Door - Is there much demand for more movies about guys who fall for ex-porn stars who move in to their neighborhood? Whatever, Sung Hi Lee is in it.
Dawn of the Dead - No comment. Bastards.
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind - With Charlie Kaufman writing, Carrey may finally have a shot at the dramatic credibility he so openly craves. Or he might dredge up everyone's memories of The Majestic.
Whatever, Kate Winslet is in it.
Jersey Girl - Kevin Smith reportedly scrapped plans to subtitle this Getting "Gigli" With It. Okay, not really.
Scooby Doo 2 - What's that? An appearance by "American Idol's" Ruben Studdard? Excelsior!

APRIL

Hellboy - I wish Guillermo del Toro the best, but I can't see how this will succeed: it's based on an obscure comic book, has no big names, and opens in a very crowded April (opposite Disney's animated Home on the Range at that).
The Alamo - Billy Bob "I Love You Angelina!" Thornton[1] couldn't hold Fess Parker's coonskin jock, but several friends were extras in this, so I owe them my money.
Walking Tall - If Thornton is unworthy of toting Parker's truss, then Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson needs to get on his hands and knees and lick Joe Don Baker's boot leather. The preview maintains this is still "based on a true story"...which is sort of correct: it's still set in Tennessee, and the main character is still named "Buford Pusser." Other facts - like the actual names of ther townspeople and what Pusser is actually walking tall against (drugs instead of corruption) - have conveniently been abandoned. Why title this film Walking Tall in the first place? What's wrong with The Rock is Cookin' A Big Pot of Whup Ass And All You Slack-Jawed 18-22 Year Olds Are Going to Fork Over Your Ten Bucks Like the Slavering Dogs You Are No Matter What We Call It?
Connie and Carla - Having effectively milked the My Big Fat Greek Wedding cow until it bled, Nia Vardalos desperately tries to get audiences to adore her again.
The Punisher - Garth Ennis gets his first of two filmed adaptations of 2004 (Constantine being the second), since it looks like Artisan is using parts of Ennis' "Welcome Back, Frank" comic book storyline for the movie. The Travolta factor is keeping me from getting too jonesed for this one, especially when you consider that a gun-toting vigilante is much less of a shocking conceit nowadays than it was when the character debuted.
Without A Paddle - April's gonna be a Seth Green/Matthew Lillard kinda month. Best to stay indoors.

MAY

Van Helsing - After looking at the official site and some set pics of the "brides of Dracula," I feel safe in describing Van Helsing as "The Monster Squad with boobs." And that Hugh Jackman fellow is apparently pretty tasty.
Troy - I'll be interested to see if Warner Brothers engineers it so that Achilles (Brad Pitt) survives. No, that's not a spoiler. Read a book.
Shrek 2 - In an attempt to outdo the original, Shrek 2 will feature jokes that are obsolete before the movie even reaches theaters.
13 Going On 30 - At the risk of becoming redundant..."Big with boobs."
The Day After Tomorrow - As a youngster (and even, at times, as an adult) I would fantasize about what I would do if I lived through a massive global cataclysm - dreams of becoming Mad Max clashed with the probable reality of my being used as entertainment in the mutant beaver pens. These days, the thought of such a disaster scares the shit out of me, so I suppose it's it serves me right that the spirit of Irwin Allen has returned to haunt us all.

JUNE

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - I stopped reading the Harry Potter books after Chamber of Secrets, so I can't speak for what J.K. Rowling had in mind for the film version of Prisoner of Azkaban. Even so, I have to wonder what her reaction was when informed that Prisoner would be directed by the guy who directed the teens-banging-older-woman romp, Y Tu Mamá También. I imagine there was some grinding of teeth.
The Chronicles of Riddick - I enjoyed Pitch Black. Not the most original plot, admittedly, but well-drawn characters and fun to watch. If Chronicles is to succeed, David Twohy needs to remember that a big part of Pitch Black's appeal was that Riddick didn't dominate the film. I know Vin Diesel is a Big Star now, but it would be a mistake to let this devolve into Riddick blowing the hell out of everything and treating us to his dry, cool wit...and I hope Judi Dench kicks his ass.
The Stepford Wives - Like The Punisher, this concept seems less startling now when you can see it replayed live just by driving out to any of our fine, master-planned communities.
Garfield - Jennifer Love Hewitt triumphantly returns to cinema while Bill Murray laughs all the way to the bank.
Dodgeball: The Movie - I will attempt to overcome my traumatic childhood memories of dodgeball and see this, but only because The Shatner's in it.

As Night Ranger once said: To be continued...

[1] Someone remind me to publish a written review of Thornton's performance at Wille Nelson's picnic this year from my friend "Cooter," from whence that quote comes.

Holiday (Bowl). (Don't) Celebrate.

Difficult as it was last night to watch Washington State defeat the Longhorns 28-20 in the Holiday Bowl, even worse was the realization that Vincent Young's ineffectiveness and Chance Mock's (almost) last second heroics mean Mack Brown will most likely be platooning the two QBs again next season. A strategy which has been so effective for him in the past.

"This win is huge for our program, to beat the No. 5 team," first-year Washington State coach Bill Doba said.

You'd think that, but Texas eked out some lucky ass wins against Kansas State and Texas Tech. I wasn't sure they deserved their ranking before the game, and it turns out I was probably right.

Coach Mack's golden opportunity may have passed. The gild is off his recruiting lily after a number of big game chokes, and don't think a resurgent Tech's Mike Leach and Texas A&M's Dennis Franchione won't point this out to the state's blue chippers (never mind the regular poaching of our state's talent performed by OU and Nebraska). Bob Stoops is still the big dog in the Big 12, and the South looks like it'll only get tougher (with the exception of Baylor, of course).

I don't know that Mack Brown's job is in jeopardy. Yet (he'd have to lose to OU and A&M in the same season to really get that ball rolling). But don't think the rumblings haven't already started.

Wonder if Roy Williams is regretting his decision to return for his senior year?

Gonna be a rumble on the promenade

That's the only line from a song about New Jersey that immediately springs to mind, and I bring it up because my friends Michael and Ginger are moving thataways next month. I met them both shortly after moving to Houston, and have enjoyed the pleasure of their company at gaming sessions, parties, and outings to the Mucky Duck. They host my blog, and they're good friends.

Good luck to you both. You'll be missed.

Does this mean I have to move APCB to Blogspot?

The Bomber's Almanac?

Ever vigilant against dangerous reference materials, the FBI wants us to keep an eye out for people carrying almanacs:

WASHINGTON - The FBI is warning police nationwide to be alert for people carrying almanacs, cautioning that the popular reference books covering everything from abbreviations to weather trends could be used for terrorist planning.

In a bulletin sent Christmas Eve to about 18,000 police organizations, the FBI said terrorists may use almanacs "to assist with target selection and pre-operational planning."

It urged officers to watch during searches, traffic stops and other investigations for anyone carrying almanacs, especially if the books are annotated in suspicious ways.

"Annotated in suspicious ways?" Finally, a use for those damn spycams.

"I don't think anyone would consider us a harmful entity," said Kevin Seabrooke, senior editor of The World Almanac. He said the reference book includes about a dozen pages out of its 1,000 pages total listing the world's tallest buildings and bridges but includes no diagrams or architectural schematics. "It's stuff that's widely available on the Internet," he said.

Much of it on U.S. government web sites. Of course, if terrorists really want to know which targets are the most vulnerable, they could just watch local news. Here in Houston, we're treated at least twice a week to hysterical reports about how ill-protected our refineries and gourmet coffee shops are.

They'll issue an alert against the Guinness Book of World Records next. Think of the mass garroting al-Qaeda could accomplish if they tracked down the man with the world's longest moustache.

No go for Nova

Houston's Nova Meyerland 8 theater, operating since 1965, is closing tomorrow:

The little theater tucked away at the back of Meyerland Plaza off the West Loop has become the latest casualty of the industry's move toward megaplexes and stadium seating. The mall's management plans to demolish the building and replace it with 55,000 square feet of new shops. Moviegoers who have enjoyed the theater since it opened in 1965 will have to go elsewhere.

The loss may be felt particularly hard by elderly residents such as [local resident Virginia] Palmer who live in the Meyerland and Bellaire areas. They say they will lose the sense of security they felt going to a place where theater manager Vincent Chow knows regulars by sight and where concession stand workers remember who likes their drinks with no ice and who doesn't want salt on their popcorn.

What, parking in another zip code and dealing with surly, sub-literate teens mumbling at you from the concession stand of the local 30-screen Googleplex aren't good enough for you? This is the big city, baby.

What's more of a drag is that the Meyerland facility was actually a fairly successful theater, at least by Nova's standards:

[Theater manager Vincent] Chow said the theater is the second most successful in the Nova chain, which has operated it for 14 months and understood coming in that the theater's days were numbered. Still, he said 250,000 people saw movies there between Thanksgiving 2002 and Thanksgiving 2003, and the cinema earned $350,000 in profit.

Not successful enough for the recently resurgent Meyerland area, however...

But Meyerland Plaza manager Brenda Bode noted that the theater owners pay less than market value in rent to the shopping center's owner and operator, Atlanta-based Ronus Properties.

"We have tried in good faith to make the cinema happen, but at the end of the day the numbers aren't there. If they were paying a market rate they would not be able to be there," said Bode, who has had her fair share of calls from theater supporters waxing nostalgic.

"It will be sort of a grieving period, but I hope people can adjust. We're not trying to let the community or shopping center die. We understand that people are interested in the shopping center and what we're doing here. We are their back-door neighbor."

When Meyerland's market value was in the toilet a decade or so ago thanks to urban decay and lack of property rentals, nobody paid much attention to the dingy little 8-screen theater back in the corner. Now that they've landed Border's and Old Navy, it's time to clean a little house.

I'll be the first to admit that I like seeing movies in a stadium theater, with full-on DTS or THX stereo sound so loud I can't hear my own thoughts, much less the running commentary of the mouth-breathing homunculus in the seat behind me. I also enjoy having 17 showtimes to choose from in a day, as well as a handy ATM for my impulse purchase of a 3-pound bag of Runts.

That said, the Nova was one of the last theaters in town where you could still regularly park within 30 feet of the entrance. For free. The staff - unlike that of any of the local AMC, Tinseltown, or Edwards monstrosities - actually acted like patrons were more than a necessary annoyance. If you ordered a drink ($1 fountain drinks and $1 regular popcorn, all day every day), you got a cup and were free to fill it with whatever mix of beverage and ice you chose. The seats, while not the Buick bucket variety common nowadays, were comfortable, and each theater had enough of a grade to the floor that your view wouldn't be obstructed unless you got stuck behind Yao Ming.

Of course, the Nova was also the only theater I ever patronized that forgot Daylight Savings Time, meaning we effectively got the first third of "From Hell" fast-forwarded for us.

Any structure in this city over ten years old might as well be the Parthenon, so it's a shame the 38-year old theater is biting the dust. And the Nova theater chain as a whole doesn't seem to be looking to healthy either, with theaters in such high traffic areas as Boaz, Alabama and Blountville, Tennessee.

As for the area's other local small theaters, the Angelika and the Landmark Greenway will probably fare just fine. They're really the only places in town to see first-run foreign and independent films, and thankfully the fourth largest city in the country is able to support a whopping six screens of such fare (nine if you count the Landmark River Oaks, which benefits from being situated next to Houston's famous twin Starbucks).

And personally, being a big shot film correspondent, I now have to wonder where they're going to hold WorldFest this year. What other theater could possibly compete with the majesty of Patrick Swayze's gala "One Last Dance" premiere?

UPDATE: Chuck, as usual, beat me to the punch with a little personal history of his own. Kudos for also using the work "Googleplex."

Satan wants pancakes

I'm convinced the cinematic version of the comic book Hellblazer, "Constantine," will be pretty grim, and not in the cool Darren Aronofsky way. However, if casting Keanu Reeves as the blond, British magus John Constantine, setting the film in Los Angeles instead of London, and giving the traditionally non-driving Constantine a vehicle overstimulated your filmic gag reflex, perhaps the casting of Peter Stormare as Satan (subscription required) will act as a tonic of sorts:

Peter Stormare will portray Satan in Warner Bros. Pictures' "Constantine."

Satan is the arch-enemy of mystical troubleshooter John Constantine, who is portrayed by the pic's star, Keanu Reeves. Kevin Brodbin, Mark Bomback and Frank Cappello adapted the script from the DC Comics property.

Cappello wrote the Hulk Hogan smash (Hulk smash?) "Suburban Commando." While Kevin Brodbin graced us with the Steven Seagal/Keenen Ivory Wayans actioner "The Glimmer Man." So, you know, we've got that going for us.

If they're actually hewing somewhat closely to the "Dangerous Habits" story arc, and if Stormare will be playing the First of the Fallen, I wonder how hard it would be to get Steve Buscemi and William H. Macy to play the Second and the Third?

Because at this point, that's what it'll take to get me to buy a ticket.

Sweet python of Zion!

Fine, it doesn't rhyme (nor is it geographically accurate). Still, that's some snake:

JAKARTA, Indonesia -- Indonesian villagers claim to have captured a python that is almost 49.21 feet long and weighs nearly 992.07 pounds, an official said Monday.

If confirmed, it would be the largest snake ever kept in captivity.

A fifty foot reticulated python is more serpentine than even Axl Rose could brag about. However, it still isn't the "perfect killing machine." That, as Paul Sarone told us, is the anaconda.

Growing up out west, we did a lot of camping. And we dutifully shook out our boots in the morning and our sleeping bags at night to make sure no desert beasties had decided to take up residence. I have a difficult time conceptualizing growing up in a place where you could sleep an entire family inside a snake.

What's your beef?

Guess Oprah should've waited to sound off on the beef industry:

(CNN) -- U.S. Department of Agriculture officials have traced beef from a cow diagnosed with mad cow disease to four more states and Guam in addition to the four states already announced, the department said Sunday.

The department has recalled about 10,000 pounds of beef that originated from the Vern's Moses Lake Meat Co. in Moses Lake, Washington, where the infected cow was slaughtered December 9.

Risk to consumers from the meat was "virtually zero," according to [Food Safety Inspection Service spokesman] Petersen.

The Agriculture Department and ranchers can assure us carnivores all they want about the low probability of transmission to humans, but all it takes is a few shots on 20/20 or 60 Minutes of the human victims in Britain to convince a decent chunk of the public to take at least a temporary break from eating beef.

Now it seems the industry may have a few of its own "Grade A morons" to blame:

In 1997, the United States banned the use of brains and spinal cords, the tissues that carry the disease, in animal feed. But authorities have acknowledged that not all cattle owners followed the rules.

That's good thinkin'. Sounds like some ranchers are due for a little soap-in-a-washcloth action, "Full Metal Jacket" style.

Now that Mexico, South Korea, and Japan (the top three importers of U.S. beef) have suspended imports, will there be a shift in policy? And even if there is, should the American public trust domestic cattle growers to look after their best interests? Britain and the EU test almost every cow for BSE, and until that mindset takes hold here, I'd stick with the chicken fajitas. Or just skip the middleman and eat the brains straight up.

Delicious brains.

You know you're getting old when...

Your professional rivalries have evolved from backstage fistfights into toothless carping about the other's acting skills:

Veteran comedian Chevy Chase enjoyed new movie "Lost In Translation," although he wasn't so impressed with his old friend Bill Murray's performance. The "Fletch" actor - who used to regularly appear on TV show "Saturday Night Live" with Murray - was reportedly overheard commenting on Murray's acting in posh New York eaterie the Meeting House. Chase said, "I liked the movie. But I thought Billy's acting was restrained. I thought it was too controlled."

No word on Murray's reaction to Chase's performance in "Snow Day" or "The Karate Dog."

As a pretty huge Bill Murray fan, I admit to a slight tendency to view Chevy Chase as a barely talented windbag who pissed away any shred of marketability he once possessed as an actor. Murray continues to evolve as a performer, while Chase pursues any role that will give him a paycheck. Murray is no Olivier (he's providing the voice of Garfield, for crying out loud), but at least he mixes up his payday movies ("Charlie's Angels," "Osmosis Jones") with more personal roles ("Rushmore," "Cradle Will Rock").

And for the record, Chase never "appeared regularly" with Murray on "SNL." Chase was a cast member for the inaugural season, and was replaced by Murray the following year. Chase's return as a guest host elicited the aforementioned fisticuffs.

Here endeth the pointless trivia exercise.

Bad movie PSA

Greg has alerted me to the fact that the American cannibal movie classic "Motel Hell" will be screening at the Alamo Drafthouse here in Houston for free at 10 PM on January 7.

Hopefully the Drafthouse will be serving sausage.

Charlie Brown was right

Our last holiday-themed entry will address the joys of Christmas advertising.

- I though those Lexus commercials last year must have been a fluke. I mean, what kind of out-of-touch boneheads would try to convince the vast television-watching public that buying your significant other a luxury car is a viable gift option? Lexus obviously made the mistake of buying air time on the normal plebe networks and not the Filthy Rich Scumbags Who Have More Money Than Brains Channel (which is also where ads for the Hummer should be relegated).

- Using "Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairies" for your ad should be a hanging offense. Not because anything from "The Nutcracker" hasn't already been played to death over the last twenty years, but because so many companies use it there's no way to tell them apart. It's like satirically playing Muddy Waters' "Mannish Boy" in a movie to show a formerly dorky guy acting cool. Was that jingle supposed to remind me to buy a Norelco shaver or a Dustbuster? And why can't I get the images of Tom Cruise ("Risky Business") or John Cusack ("Better Off Dead") out of my head?

- Forget diamonds. Buy that special someone in your life Knights of the Old Republic for the Xbox or PS2. They'll thank you for it.

Happy holidays.

The drawbacks to "liberal" drug use

In responding to a judge's order to release his medical records, Rush Limbaugh came just short of using the term, "vast, left wing conspiracy:"

"The Democrats in this country still cannot defeat me in the arena of political ideas, and so now they are trying to do so in the court of public opinion and the legal system," he said. "I guess it's payback time, and since I'm not running for office, they can't get to me that way.

Dude, your political ideas have been smacked down so often in the last ten years it's a wonder you didn't start gulping painkillers before Clinton was out of office.

At least then you could've blamed it on him.

Re: lame blog syndrome

As noted in an earlier entry, yes: my blog has become lame of late. Those wondering where all the pathos has disappeared to are welcome to refer to my entry of 12/15/2003 for an explanation.

However, my recent bout of stay-at-homeness has allowed me to get caught up on my TV watching. And not just that overrated prime time crapola, I'm talking 'bout daytime television. The bane of all creativity.

I suppose I should be thankful for satellite connectivity. Well I recall my childhood, when sick days and rainy summer afternoons meant a choice between soaps or endless repeats of "Gomer Pyle U.S.M.C." and "The Beverly Hillbillies," sprinkled liberally with ads for truck driving schools and worker's comp.

Not all that much has changed. Gilligan and his ilk are still widely available, though now that fare is termed "nostaligia TV" and has an entire network showcasing it. The Wife is especially fond of cooking shows, and those are available 24/7 (to someone like myself, who counts "toast" among the things he can prepare competently, this is largely useless). Whole channels are devoted to true crime, bad science fiction, and Canadian music video stylings. Through the resulting migraines, a few patterns have emerged:

+ Weight loss is apparently still a problem in America. Even so, I'm not sure why anyone would look to the odious Dr. Phil - a man who reminds me of a partially shaved Sweetums - for help in that regard.

+ Burglary is somehow more heinous when committed during the holidays. Even moreso than home invasions performed in rich neighborhoods.

+ There is no penalty for missing any airing of "Law and Order," "The West Wing," or "NYPD Blue." Ever. I think I've seen every episode of "The West Wing" three times now, and the best detective partnering is still Briscoe and Logan.

+ Holiday programming has lost all meaning. When I can watch the Grinch cartoon every night for two weeks, or see "A Christmas Story" 12 times in 24 hours, the concept of family TV watching is dead. And maybe this is a good thing.

Now you'll excuse me while I go put in my DVD of "A Charlie Brown Christmas."

It's too bad Harry Chapin's dead

Because I think we're about due for a sequel to "30,000 Pounds of Bananas:"

VILNIUS (Reuters) - Residents of a Lithuanian resort received an early Christmas present when 50 tonnes of bananas washed up on the Baltic coast.

"The current came from the southwest, where storm winds probably knocked a container of unripe bananas off a ship," said Jonas Vigelis, head of the area's Sea Patrol and Rescue unit.

That, or the recon battalions of the Gorilla Invasion Force dropped their supply shipment prematurely. Watch the skies.

"This sort of thing happens now and then. One time we got oranges, another time some good lumber," Vigelis said.

All of which are doing a great job keeping you sheep rooted in the same place. Maybe another reading of Watership Down is in order, particularly the part about Cowslip's warren.

Shop 'til you drop

'Tis the season for obnoxious shopping tales:

Victoria Beckham has splashed out a staggering $42,500 on a two hour Christmas shopping spree in London, buying luxury gifts for herself and husband David Beckham. Staff at her favorite store Dolce & Gabbana on New Bond Street closed to the public at 4:30 pm for two hours Tuesday so the former Spice Girl could browse in private, with the shops 12 members of staff at her uninterrupted disposal.

Big deal. I used to get the same treatment at the Adult Video MegapleXXX and Spec's.

Of course, it helps if you're carrying a shotgun.

Hit me baby, 10K more times

At some point in the last week, APCB reached the 10,000 hit mark (even, I think, counting numerous visits by yours truly to refresh the page). That figure is probably a little misleading, since I started keeping track about a month after starting the blog itself, but whatever. Thanks to everyone who's come to read my crap and inexplicably keeps coming back for more.

I get lots of hits from many of the blogs I have linked on the right, and at least ten a day from people doing Google searches on the word "cromulent." Again, thanks to everyone who keeps dropping by.

Even the ones looking for Roy Horn attack footage.

Sour grapes

Man, I hear that new "Lord of the Rings" movie sucked. All of you who went to see it already are idiots. I hear Brad Dourif's not even in it, and there's nary a reference to Cirdan the Shipwright. I mean, what so-called Tolkien movie would leave out Cirdan?

Me, I'm glad I won't get to see it for a couple weeks.

Right back to the crapola

And only because I'm actually on the computer doing something besides e-mailing relatives.

From the IMDb:

Producers of the hit ABBA musical Mamma Mia! are hoping to reunite the Swedish quartet as part of the show's fifth anniversary celebrations. The seventies supergroup have so far resisted all requests to get back together - and turned down a reported $1 billion four years ago for a reunion tour.

A billion dollars? This is a typo, right? Who actually has that kind of money to throw at half-hearted renditions of "SOS" and "Fernando" and why haven't they been defenestrated yet?

And aren't there any other Swedish bands that could reunite for less?

Tale of the tape

9 lbs, 3 oz.

21 inches.

Brown hair. Lots.

Indeterminate eye color, as she can't be troubled to open them long enough to show us and I haven't gotten around to interrogating the surly nursery attendants.

Mother and She Who Shall Not Be Named sleeping comfortably. Father exhausted and back at the house briefly to pick up a few things before returning to the hospital.

That is all.

Another Kaczynski brother captured

Without a shot fired. Poor show for the "Butcher of Baghdad." But maybe now he can finally clue us in on where those pesky WMD are...that being the reason we went there in the first place, I'm told.

Bush timed this poorly, since it might be difficult to keep Saddam on the front page every day until November.

And I can't begin to tell you how personally gratifying it is that they called the raid "Operation Red Dawn."

Name that pic

Hey kids, there's a caption contest over at Norbizness, so stroll on over and offer your suggestions. Where else do you have a shot at winning a crappy CD long slated for donation to charity?

By mentioning the contest here, I'm hoping to lay claim to that Color Me Badd disc I know he's been holding on to.

Alms for the boor

I've come across enough entries about Andrew Sullivan's blog panhandling in the last few days to finally prompt me to head over there to see what everyone's bitching about:

This is my last plea for funding for 2004. You know the spiel by now. The only source of funding for this site is you. When you add up the growing expenses of a blog that reaches well over 400,000 people a month and the time and energy spent putting it all together, it's not cheap. In fact, it has largely displaced a large amount of my paid work.

Well, my little exercise in self abuse here doesn't even reach 4,000 people a month, but (and I'm sure an Oxford-educated fella like Andrew could enlighten me) is there that much more effort involved in 400,000 people reading you? Do you have to e-mail each of them individually when you update? Do you go door to door handing out fliers? Bandwidth may be an issue, but certainly Sullivan's paying work hasn't dried up to the point he can't cover those costs?

"Time and energy?" I write half my entries in superhero pajama pants with a few empty bottles of Molson Canadian rattling around my desk. I haven't been at this thing for too long, but blogging seems to me to be a lot of sitting on one's ass and surfing the web looking for things to complain about. To expend less energy, I'd have to invest in a catheter.

And if the actual professional gigs are drying up, quit blogging. My list of paying writing assignments doesn't even take up three lines on my day planner, but given a choice between a regular column/series of articles at standard freelance rates vs. yet another spiel about "Star Wars" or Paris Hilton, I'd delete this blog so fast SiteMeter would implode.

Tales from the Multiplex, Pt. 2

The double date is a recurring theme in my adolescence. I'm not sure if this is a result of parents fearing the encroachment of that scary "crack" epidemic in the mid-1980s, or if people were reluctant to let their daughters get in a 1975 Buick with a guy wearing a courduroy sports coat over an Exploited t-shirt. Whatever the reason, I spent a number of Friday nights in high school leashed to a friend, his palms often sweating in anticipation, and an unfortunate girl.

I say "unfortunate" not because anything unsavory ever went down - not usually, anyway - but because of the very nature of a double date. There's precious little time to spend getting to know a young lady when you're constantly trying to one-up your male counterpart, even by high school standards. Dinner is a wash, thanks to your hilarious silverware antics, and any time in the car is spent seeing who can more effectively slag the top 40 crap on the radio. If your dates aren't already making stealthy glances at their watch, they're sharing long, meaningful looks of commiseration with each other.

And not in a hot way.

Finally, you get to the movie. Maybe this is your big chance to move in for the Hand Hold, the Arm Clinch, the Surreptitious Smooch, or other, more unspeakable delights. Perhaps you can use this opportunity to forge a quiet bond in a way that the dynamics of the double date to this point haven't allowed. Maybe now is the time to spend some meaningful quality time with this girl you've been neglecting all night in order to challenge your buddy to a sugar packet eating contest.

Or maybe you decided to go see "The Gate."

Directed by noted Hungarian auteur Tibor Takacs ("Sabrina, the Teenage Witch") and released in 1987, "The Gate" was only the latest in a venerable line of movies centered on Freaky Shit from Another Dimension Come to Terrorize Our Womenfolk. A young Stephen Dorff plays Glen, the pre-adolescent protagonist who, along with this sister, does battle with demons emerging from a hole in their backyard while their parents are out of town. It fared poorly at that year's Oscars.

Horror is the staple of the young man on a date. Not much satisfies like that first fright in a movie: the one that prompts your date to jump in her seat and grab your upper arm like she won't let go. The sensation is rewarding enough that you don't mind the cramps from keeping your bicep flexed for 90 minutes.

Our date to this point had actually gone pretty well. My friend "Plug" and I impressed the ladies with our witty banter, and everyone was in a fine mood, what with the end of our junior year of high school just around the corner. Maybe it had gone too well, or maybe we'd gotten complacent, having pulled off the impossible just a few weeks earlier: a double-date to the "Transformers" movie. Whatever the reason, neither Plug nor I knew as we got up to fetch drinks and Milk Duds that we were about to fall victim to our own hubris.

Like any good '80s teens, Plug and I liked us some video games. Most weekends we could be found in the local Time Out, spending our meager restaurant worker wages on Tempest and Battlezone. One of the more recent games we'd grown fond of was a side-scroller called Choplifter. The obvious inspiration for the movie "Black Hawk Down," Choplifter involved blowing up lots of generic brown-skinned enemies while evacuating your own forces back to a safe zone. Ludicrously simple, but maddeningly addictive. As luck would have it, the theater had a Choplifter game in the lobby.

"Just one hit, then I gotta go." - Gutter, "P.C.U."

To paraphrase that Verizon jackass, I can hear you now: 1. "You were on a date, you could've played that video game anytime!" or maybe 2. "Surely you didn't think those girls would sit idly in a crappy horror movie while you played a stupid video game?" To which I can only answer 1. True, and 2. Actually, we kinda did. Plug and I, unimpressed with the film but flush with our earlier success with "The Transformers" movie, elected to play "just one game" before returning to the theater. What could be the harm?

Well, I'm not writing this to trumpet my sensitivity. One game was indeed all it was, but Plug and I were good at Choplifter, and our 50 cents turned into 25 minutes of Date Time. We actually collected out drinks and candy with lives to spare and boogied back to the theater.

Predictably, our dates were nowhere to be found.

Plug had driven, so we really had no idea what the hell happened to them. They didn't walk - the theater (the Schulman 6, once again) was deep in the hinterlands of north Bryan, and easily ten miles from their homes. They might've called their parents, or some friends, or they may have hooked up with a couple of virile theater ushers. I never found out, because neither of those girls ever spoke to me again. A neat trick, given the size of our high school.

But I had the high score on that Choplifter game for six months.

Watch the skies

Metafilter has a link to this page with scans of the classic Mars Attacks trading cards created by Len Brown and Woody Gelman and painted by the inimitable Norm Saunders.

Released in 1962, the cards should serve as eye-openers to anyone who thinks kid stuff back in the Camelot-era was all sweetness and light. The cards are shockingly graphic, and creeped me out plenty when a friend of mine and I got a hold of a set back in the mid-'70s.

I thought the end of the series was weak, however: after getting their asses handed to them repeatedly by the Martians, humanity somehow manages to board spaceships and defeat the Martians on their home turf. The movie's "death by yodeling" ending did it better, even if Burton's film never actually captured the gore of the trading cards. And yes, I actually liked "Mars Attacks" the movie: "I want the people to know that they still have 2 out of 3 branches of the government working for them, and that ain't bad." Hi-larious.

Anyway, check 'em out. Then go take a look at Brown and Gelman's Dinosaurs Attack cards. Released in 1988, they're even more grotesque than their earlier efforts. Though not as horrifying as, say, "Beaches" (also released in '88).

The Noriega Gambit

Our first child (a girl) is due this Saturday.

Preparations are finished, as best as I can tell, and now we're just waiting for the inevitable. The only problem is, the child is showing no inclination to come out. Far from being "engaged," she actually seems to be retreating into the upper reaches of the womb, kind of like Homer Simpson in his prenatal dream. We're assured that the baby's healthy and everything looks fine...she's just content to stay put.

Drastic times call for drastic measures (we have Christmas cards to send out, dammit) so I have begun employing a tactic used with questionable effectiveness by our troops in Panama. The Wife calls it "The Noriega Gambit."

It's pretty simple, really: in my best basso profundo, I croon obnoxious heavy metal songs straight into the womb. The strategy began with "Sweet Child O' Mine" by Guns 'n Roses, but we've since moved on to Megadeth's "In My Darkest Hour" and "War Pigs" by Black Sabbath. So far, no dice. If this keeps up, I'll have to make good on my threat to pull out my old S.O.D. tapes and put some headphones directly on the fundus.

Birth is hell.

NOTE: In answer to the queries I've had about the prospect of blogging about my kid...only rarely will APCB discuss the antics of She Who Shall Not Be Named. If you're a parent, and that kind of thing works for you, knock yourself out. Personally, I can't help but cringe every time I read James Lileks detailing his "Gnat's" every move in excruciating detail. There's a whopper of a therapy bill in the making.

Mandatory Christmas viewing

It's Christmas time again, when ulcers begin to bleed freely and normally polite human beings start acting like rabid Justin Guarini fans as yuletide madness fills the air.

If you observe Christmas, it may mean spending time with family and friends, opening presents, and gathering around the fire. Or it might mean alcoholic depression that borders on the suicidal. One man's meat, and all that. At my house, Christmas - like most other days - is about movies.

I'm well acquainted with the traditionally required viewing for the holiday season. Thanks to the miracle of cable and satellite programming, such fare is inescapable during this time of year. And nothing dulls those wonderful childhood memories like being able to watch "The Christmas That Almost Wasn't" every night for a month.

Of course, saying I'm familiar with the usual holiday viewing selections and actually watching them myself are two different things entirely.

Some of the hoary X-mas standards made my personal viewing list. They are listed a little further down. Others did not. These are listed now:

It's A Wonderful Life - Never watched this until I was in high school. Seeing it for the first time through the lens of annoying teenage pseudo-angst probably led to my lasting negative impression of it as sentimentalist bilge.
Miracle on 34th Street - This may be the grandaddy of all anti-consumer Christmas entertainment offerings, but the cartoon version of "The Grinch" does the same thing in less time. And has cooler music.
A Christmas Carol (the 1938 version with Reginald Owen) - As a child, the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come scared the bejeesus out of me in a way only the grim specter of Death rendered in grainy black and white could. Brrrrr.
'Twas the Night Before Christmas - In elementary school, my classmates and I must've been unable to read TV Guide, because whenever a cartoon was airing somebody in our class would announce it to everyone so we could make sure and catch it. I still owe Jeff Nelson a punch in the gut for convincing me to watch this in 2nd grade.
Babes in Toyland - I never actually saw this, I'm just bitter because I accidentally rented it while looking for...something else. Memo to video clerks: nothing with Ray Bolger belongs on the "Fetish - Toy" aisle.
Home Alone - How a movie featuring that sadistic little bastard as a protagonist ever got passed off as family entertainment is a mystery to me. Joe Pesci should give his Oscar back. Daniel Stern should be forced to make sequels to "Bushwhacked" until they confiscate his SAG card.
The Nutcracker - Any incarnation. Really, how many times do we have to watch this? Haven't they made "Frosty the Snowman" into a ballet yet?

Bleagh. Okay, so what Christmas movies are de rigeur at Casa Vonder Haar during these festive days? I'm glad you asked:

Die Hard - "Yippee ki ay, motherfucker" is so much more inspirational than "Attaboy, Clarence." This tradition started when I was in high school, so blame my parents.
A Christmas Story - A film that seems to polarize many people, probably thanks to TNT's decision to air it for 24 hours straight every year. Still one of my favorite movies. Best not to ask whatever became of Flick, though.
A Charlie Brown Christmas - "Rudolph" may be older, and I happen to think "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown" is better, but this is still a must-see every year. Get the DVD so your viewing experience won't be sullied by ill-placed ads for Levitra and the Ronco Turnip Twaddler.
Invasion U.S.A. - Because nothing conveys "peace on earth, goodwill towards men" like Chuck Norris saying, "See you in hell." Ah, le mot just.
Silent Night, Deadly Night - "Naughty!" Usually screened after The Wife has gone to bed.
Better Off Dead - "Everybody's going to be wearing one of these?" "It's got raisins in it. You like raisins."
How the Grinch Stole Christmas! - Accept no substitutes.
A Midnight Clear - Still the best movie Ethan Hawke's ever done. A Christmas story that doesn't feel contrived, and it's a war movie to boot, so men uncomfortable with their feminine side can still have an excuse to watch it.
Mister Magoo's Christmas Carol - "We're des-picable!/We make ourselves/Plain sick-able!" Take that, "A Chipmunk Christmas."
A Wish For Wings That Work - Opus and Bill the Cat, walking and talking on my TV. I'm glad the internet is around to confirm I didn't hallucinate this. And it's a great story, too.

I think that does it. Sadly, there are always those unfortunate few who didn't make the cut:

Ernest Saves Christmas - All Ernest movies have been banned with extreme prejudice from the Vonder Haar home, sadly.
Lethal Weapon - Already a cliche when released, "Lethal Weapon" hasn't aged well at all, especially after seeing all those "Simpsons" episodes that mock Joel Silver's movies.

So what'd I forget?

Obligatory Gore-Dean blog type thing

For those of you just returning from the moon, Al Gore has officially given Howard Dean his endorsement. As a losing presidential candidate, Gore's support still counts for more than, say, Walter Mondale's. Still, call me when Bill Clinton's about to make a pitch.

As someone who will probably find himself voting for whoever the Dems nominate once the smoke clears (an act of abject futility in Bush's home state), I can't say the recent petulant behavior of the current crop of hopefuls is filling my bosom with admiration. Hello, Joe Lieberman:

"I don't have anything to say today about Al Gore's sense of loyalty," said Lieberman, who had waited to announce his candidacy until after Gore said he would not run in 2004. "I have no regrets about the loyalty that I had to him."

Would Lieberman have regrets if Gore bet on a losing horse in the 2004 election? Because that's what would happen if he got the nomination. We might not end up with a repeat of the Dukakis debacle, but Lieberman. Can't. Win. He alarms potential voters with his bizarre stance on media censorship, his hawkishness, and his utter lack of presentation skills. Much as I hate to invoke the "bad on television" specter of Admiral Stockdale, Lieberman is not a compelling figure. He's a poor public speaker - always coming across as whiny instead of projecting an aura of leadership - and, worse, he's damaged goods.

Lieberman also said political endorsements "don't pick presidents," and he vowed to fight to give the nation "the fresh start it needs, so help me God."

Then withdraw. Now.

He added that it's "less likely now" that Gore could play a key role in any future Lieberman administration.

Thus elevating the phrase "empty threat" to new levels of hyperbole.

Senator Johm Kerry also voiced his displeasure at Gore's endorsement of Dean:

"I was sort of surprised today, actually, by the endorsement, because I thought that Joe Lieberman had shown such extraordinary loyalty in delaying his own campaign, that it surprised me," Kerry said to applause from the audience.

Can everyone please give me abreak about Gore's so-called "disloyalty?" This is politics, for Christ's sake, not a freaking badminton game.

Meanwhile, Erik Smith - campaign press secretary for Senator Dick Gephardt, makes a good point:

"Dick Gephardt fought side-by-side with Al Gore to pass the Clinton economic plan, pass the assault weapons ban and defend against Republican attacks on Medicare and affirmative action. On each of these issues, Howard Dean was on the wrong side," Smith said.

Although I agree with this sentiment, I can't help but wonder what kind of masochistic tendencies one must possess in order to run for president again after two unsuccessful campaigns to win your party's nomination (1988 and 1992). Hell, in '88 they picked Dukakis instead. Gephardt might feel like this is "do or die" time, but the writing may be on the wall for his chances:

With the Dean campaign gaining momentum, a new CNN/USA Today/Gallup poll shows Dean widening his front-runner status among the eight other Democratic candidates.

The poll showed that 25 percent of registered Democrats surveyed support Dean as their nominee, with retired Gen. Wesley Clark coming in second with 17 percent.

If I were a member of Bush's camp, I think I'd dread hearing the phrase "Dean-Clark in 2004"

What was that about "appeasement?"

Funny, I thought this president was pro-democracy:

WASHINGTON (CNN) -- U.S. President George W. Bush has bluntly served notice that he opposes plans for a referendum in Taiwan which his administration views as a means of stoking pro-independence sentiment.

Bush came to office three years ago characterizing China as a "strategic competitor" but told Premier Wen Jiaboa -- who met Bush at the White House Tuesday -- the two nations were now proving they can be "partners in diplomacy."

Apparently the mandate to root out "brutal dictatorships" only applies to those regimes we can easily defeat.

"We oppose any unilateral decision to change, by either China or Taiwan, to change the status quo," he said.

"And the comments and actions made by the leader of Taiwan indicate that he may be willing to make decisions unilaterally to change the status quo -- which we oppose."

Wen nodded as Bush's remarks were translated, and he said Beijing "appreciated" the president's statement.

I'll bet he did. Way to stand tall in the saddle there, Mr. President. No one was asking us to send American troops into combat over the referendum - which is only obliquely related to the independence movement - but simply to voice support for an ally that is struggling to maintain their freedom in the shadow of an implacable enemy. Bush couldn't even give them that much, choosing instead to kowtow to a regime whose history of human rights abuses would put any of those in the Middle East to shame.

When are those trade deficit negotiations scheduled again?

Taking on the Goliath of the 22nd District

Chuck at Off the Kuff has an interesting interview with attorney Richard Morrison, who is mounting a campaign against Tom DeLay for the 22nd Congressional District. It's a good read, and kudos to Chuck for running it.

DeLay's bizarre faith in perpetual road contruction as a cure to his constituents' traffic woes has always baffled me, and Morrison comments on this and DeLay's apparent lack of concern for the people he represents in general. I don't know if Morrison has a snowball's chance against a guy who can get campaign money from a stone the way DeLay can, but I wish him luck.

"Uh, we object to the term 'urine-soaked hellhole'..."

"...when you could have said 'peepee-soaked heckhole:'"

Lawyer in trouble for taking revenge with urine

SAN ANTONIO - A federal judge is to resume hearing testimony today in a case involving an angry lawyer who doused urine on office equipment in retaliation against a co-worker.

Gregory L. Fronimos, 49, is being prosecuted by the federal government for "malicious mischief" to government property.

His attorney, Michael McCrum, wants the judge to dismiss the case because he does not want embarrassing allegations that detail Fronimos' actions to be made public.

This should be good. The guy dumped human waste on office equipment and that doesn't count as "embarrassing?" Was he wearing a nun's habit at the time? Was it someone else's urine? What?

Federal prosecutors pursued charges after Fronimos confessed to his bosses at Brooks City-Base that he poured urine on the office equipment of a co-worker several times.

A court-filed Air Force memo said Fronimos was upset because a co-worker allegedly referred to him in a profane manner and disparaged him to other employees.

Dude, this is America. If someone denigrates you or your job performance, you shoot them. Has the hurly-burly of modern life taught you nothing?

"It's a mistake that happened," McCrum said. "It happened during a period of his life where he was under an extreme amount of emotional strain as the result of several different things happening in his life at the same time."

Unless one of those "things" was explosive incontinence coupled with early onset dementia, I don't think you guys have much of a case.

The dismantling of Rankin-Bass' vast cultural legacy continues

Damn you to hell, Peter Jackson:

New Zealand film director Peter Jackson, tipped to win an Oscar for his "The Lord of the Rings" epic, said on Monday he would like to make "The Hobbit" prequel to the trilogy and work with some of the same actors again.

"I'd be interested in doing it because I think it would give continuity to the overall chapter," he said.

While many of the lead "Rings" characters do not appear in "The Hobbit" story, the wizard Gandalf, played by Ian McKellen, and Gollum, the cave dweller corrupted by the powerful ring, do and should make a comeback. Arwen, the elf princess played by Liv Tyler, could also feature again, Jackson said.

It isn't bad enough Jackson refused to keep the "Where There's A Whip" song in "Return of the King," now the Kiwi bastard's going to completely erase our beloved memories of the original 1977 TV adaptation of J.R.R. Tolkien's The Hobbit. Make your concerns known, write Jackson and insist that he address the following questions:

1. Will the new version of "The Hobbit" have elves that look like Eddie from Iron Maiden? (probably not, since we've already been stuck with pretty boys like Orlando Bloom)
2. Will you keep the furry spiders? (unlikely, given the depressingly unimaginative look of Shelob in the "RotK" trailer)
3. Is that hack Howard Shore going to compose the musical score, or are you bringing back the musical titan most closely identified with Tolkien's movies: Glenn Yarbrough? Follow-up: does Shore have a hope in hell of capturing the sublime brilliance of "It's So Easy Not To Try?"
4. Is vintage Burt Reynolds available to play Bard of Laketown? How about Dave Sheridan?

Today's discerning moviegoing public will not abide an inferior remake, Mr. Jackson. We are the TV-addled thirtysomething generation, and our numbers are legion - though not quite as legion as the Baby Boomers...or that generation behind us. Just to be on the safe side, remember the following rules put down by the canonical Rankin-Bass version of "The Hobbit:"

+ "orcs" are called "goblins"
+ cavalry:Westerns as eagles:Tolkien TV-movies
+ Elrond is Jesus...or maybe those are ioun stones
+ dwarves should look like lawn gnomes

We've given Jackson a pass with those three Lord of the Rings movies because, well, there's no Jar Jar. Don't presume to think your immense studio clout, personal F/X company, and directorial skill can hope to improve upon the visionary genius of Arthur Rankin, Jr. and Jules Bass, however.

Apparently her love does cost a thing

And according to Ben Affleck, it's his career:

Movie hunk Ben Affleck has blamed his high-profile relationship with fiancee Jennifer Lopez for wrecking his career. The "Changing Lanes" star blames constant media exposure surrounding the high-profile lovers for his dwindling credibility as an actor. Ben says, "My relationship with Jennifer has absolutely been bad for my career. The overexposure this year has been really damaging. The combination of me and Jennifer as a unit became more important than the parts we did in movies."

Huh. I could've sworn the last part either of them had was in a movie called "Gigli." Obviously that hasn't had anything to do with his "dwindling credibility."

In other news, there is absolutely no indication that any of the following movies have any relation to the downward spiral of Mr. Affleck's career:

"Forces of Nature"
"Reindeer Games"
"Bounce"
"Pearl Harbor"
"Changing Lanes"
"The Sum of All Fears"

And the "Jenny from the Block" video appearance probably wasn't a great idea, either.

Random election BS

I'm not really focused enough right now to put together a coherent single entry on any of these topics related to yesterday's runoff election, so here's a bunch of crap:

Bill White kicks hell out of Orlando Sanchez

Money talks, as my neighbor's dog used to say, and White had more than enough to bring to bear in Houston's mayoral runoff. However, let's not lose sight of the fact that Sanchez ran a completely inept campaign, acted like he couldn't be bothered to run, and assembled a diverse coalition of rich white people to help him out. Like our new mayor or not, if you watched the news tonight and saw both of them addressing their supporters, Sanchez's assembly looked like a Toby Keith concert, while White obviously made the effort to reach out to different groups. That, and the aforementioned Croesus-load of money, won him the Mayor's office.

"Bob Dole doesn't like this."

I knew Terry McConn was screwed in his race against M.J. Khan for the District F Council position when he referred to himself in the third person on the news Friday. Only three people can get away with that: Rickey Henderson, Mr. T, and ViagraMan himself.

What are words for? When no one listens anymore?

When an established far right stooge like Bert Keller can make comments about mounting a "grass roots" effort in his unsuccessful City Council campaign against challenger Ron Green, the phrase has lost all meaning.

That joke isn't funny anymore

The polling officials at my voting location either had no sense of humor or were pissed off at having to show up to work a runoff election, because I know my urging everyone in the place to "Vote Quimby" was hilarious.

You suck

This sentiment is only intended for the teeming masses of Houstonians who didn't bother to vote today. We're a city that has some 1.5 million citizens of voting age, yet fewer than 250,000 of them bothered to cast a ballot. Today wasn't about deciding whether Reuben or Clay will perform at next year's Grey Cup, people; it was to determine who will be in charge of your city. I don't care what George Carlin says, if you can't be bothered to vote, you're a shmuck.

Gimme a P!

New Yorkers once again find themselves on the front lines of the battle for basic human freedoms:

Go ahead, make fun of the fact that several City Council members introduced a bill Wednesday to have more restrooms set aside for women than men in most buildings. To women -- and one male law professor -- it's a matter of gender equity.

"Women need more restroom facilities simply because women take longer," John F. Banzhaf III, a public interest law professor at George Washington University Law School, said Wednesday.

It's hard to argue with blistering logic like that. And why, pray tell, might women take so long in the bathroom?

Because they often have small children to tend to, they wear more clothes, and, as Councilwoman Yvette Clarke put it, there's that anatomical difference.

"We don't have the same type of equipment that men have," Clarke said.

The Rosa Parks of the "potty parity" movement, if you want to call her that, was Houston's own Denise Wells. Wells was arrested in 1990 at the Summit for using the men's facilities out of frustration over long lines for the ladies' room at a George Strait concert. This case led to studies of time spent by men and women in the loo by Virginia Polytech Institute and State University and Cornell, both of which shockingly concluded that women take roughly twice as long as men. The studies were followed by statutes in several states and changes to plumbing and constructions codes in others. Most newer ballparks and arenas have facilities that reflect these findings. Bank One Ballpark in Arizona, for example, has 12 toilet fixtures for every 1000 men and 15 for every 1000 women.

I haven't seen long womens' restroom lines in a while. Of course, I no longer go anywhere that could even be considered remotely "trendy," and my recollections of such lines are from various clubs. The last few music festivals I've attended have had a slightly higher Port-A-John to female ration, but that just means everyone gets to stand in line an equal amount of time.

And maybe start fights, which is always good for a laugh.

Another, seedier, aspect to this topic the CNN article doesn't mention is the fact that men have the great outdoors to use as their toilet if need be. I won't cop to anything, but parking lots, alleys, and highway overpasses are all handy spots for the man on the go to, uh, go.

Nobody knows this better than the French. When I was in Strasbourg, we had great fun sitting on the balcony and watching the various male clubgoers and general pedestrians stop and water the masonry. Occasionally we would shout encouragement.

I'm not saying this is a Good Thing. Just pointing out another result of our not having "the same type of equipment," as Councilwoman Clarke put it.

"Never, ever f*ck with The King."

I have been remiss in not pointing out that Don Coscarelli's excellent film, "Bubba Ho-Tep," is enjoying an exclusive engagement at the Landmark River Oaks theater here in Houston. "BH-T" tells the story of an elderly Elvis Presley (Bruce Campbell) who teams up with JFK (Ossie Davis) to battle an ancient Egyptian mummy preying on the residents at their East Texas nursing home. That description alone should have you chomping at the bit.

The Thing That Walks Like A Man and I checked it out last year during it's sneak preview run, and as I said in my review, it's the first Elvis movie I've ever liked (and that includes "Viva Las Vegas"). "Bubba Ho-Tep" is neither gory nor overtly frightening; it is, dare I say, much more introspective. There's believable chemistry between Campbell and Davis, and a good portion of the film examines their growing friendship.

And plenty of dick jokes. Really, it's got something for everyone.

At this same screening, we got to meet Campbell (who ranks second only to Shatner in his ability to abuse fanboys) and author Joe R. Lansdale, who wrote the original short story.

Through a series of theater security snafus and outright sneakery, TTTWLAM and I ended up sitting next to the Lansdale clan and talking with them for some time. Lansdale gets a lot of props from his peers, but hasn't really gained widespread recognition (especially when compared to inferior contemporaries like Dean Koontz). I hope that changes.

Anyway, go see "Bubba Ho-Tep." Because not even death can stop LBJ.