A Perfectly Cromulent Blog

"Wake up. Time to g'die."

Remember a couple months ago when we discussed the problems with koala overpopulation on Kangaroo Island in Australia?

Okay, just pretend like you do. Anyway, it seems the koala explosion (ew) has led to calls for some extreme veterinary justice:

Some 30,000 koalas on Kangaroo Island, off the coast of the state of South Australia, are stripping the island of its native gum trees, destroying the ecosystem and causing a koala famine, say environmentalists and national parks officials.

"We are talking thousands of starving koalas," said Sandra Kanck from the Australian Democrats, Australia's third major political party.

"While they may be cute and cuddly we need to get beyond emotion to reality...my suggestion is professional shooters do it quickly and cleanly," Kanck told Reuters on Friday of the proposed cull.

Cold blooded. Still, what's the alternative?

The South Australian state government has rejected calls for a cull, preferring sterilization and relocation.

The Australian Koala Foundation also opposes a cull of the koalas, which on the Australian mainland are struggling to survive as urban development destroys their habitat.

I'm confused, if you sterilize them and move them inland, they're just going to have a similarly difficult time on the mainland, right? And from a strictly conservationist perspective, wouldn't dying of starvation without knowing the joys of parenthood be worse than simply starving to death?

Think of the mental anguish, you heartless Ozzie bastards.

Kangaroo Island tourist operators say a koala cull would severely damage the island's tourist industry.

"The koalas are so hungry they are eating pine needles," said Kanck. "What will tourists think of a habitat of denuded trees with desperate, starving koalas roaming the damaged landscape?"

I don't know what tourists will think, but I suddenly got an idea for a screenplay featuring ravenous, zombie koalas. I think I'll call it The Phascolarctos and the Furious.

New poo reviews

Friday. Reviews up at Film Threat. You know the deal.

Typically, the best received movie of the week is the one I didn't catch. For that reason, I can't advise you one way or the other on Mean Girls, but I can tell you to avoid both Godsend and Envy like the plague.

In fact, knowing how badly Envy was going to be received, I briefly entertained the thought of writing a glowing review of it just so the studio might run it in the movie's 2nd week print and TV ads ("Pete Vonder Haar of Film Threat says "Black is back with Envy!"). But then the little angel walked over to his counterpart on my other shoulder and broke a hockey stick over his head.

The doctor is out

I know we're truly through the looking glass when an actor who's played the same tired role for 20 freaking years starts bitching about the public's viewing habits:

Frasier star Kelsey Grammer has attacked American TV viewers for addictively watching degrading reality shows, because it gives network bosses the motive to produce more. The sitcom actor - who earns a reported $2.7 million per episode of the long-running show - is furious TV bosses can only attract large audiences by unleashing an endless stream of "crass" reality programs. He says, "No one has cracked the nut of how to get viewership without being sensational or crass. Unfortunately, audiences are responding to people behaving badly."

I forget, did the tattooed dick jokes help ticket sales for Down Periscope?

He may have hit on something about people behaving badly, however, since I consider those episodes of Cheers where Grammer was coked out of his mind to be high points in sitcom history.

First, I would remind everyone that just because you play a psychiatrist on TV doesn't mean you actually have a post-graduate education. Second, Frasier recently featured a scene where - get this - Frasier's brother Niles passes out in the delivery room when his wife goes into labor. With cutting edge comedy bits like that, watching a show that features swimsuit models dumped in sewage probably seems like a qualitative step up.

"And if you're in jail...break out!"

Truckasaurus!

Actually "Robosaurus," a loving tribute to Truckasaurus, but still 30 tons and four stories of car-crunching, fire-breathing, prehistoric insanity:

In this photograph released by the U.S. Air Force, Robosaurus, a 40 foot tall, 30 ton mechanical robot breathes fire after eating a car during a demonstration at Airfest 2004 in this recent undated photograph taken at the March Air Reserve Base, in Riverside, Cali.

Finally, the Pentagon is wasting our money on something with serious military applications. Set that baby loose in Fallujah and those insurgents will be knocking each other over in their stampede to surrender.

If bread is the staff of life, then beer is life itself

Being of German and Irish descent, I have what might be described as a "dull" palate. I'm also prone to latching on to a certain food for an extended period of time and eating little else (my torrid affair with Campbell's tomato soup only ended due to my marriage, and I still revisit that well when The Wife's out of town).

Occasonally prone to hyperbole, I will often trumpet my discovery of a new culinary item as "nature's perfect food." I've been doing this since I was a child and doubt I'll be able to stop any time soon. The following are some of the foodstuffs I've encountered in my decades on this planet that have earned the "perfect" title, in more or less chronological order:

+ bananas
+ pineapple
+ Cheetohs (crunchy, not puffed)
+ fresh coconut
+ Campbells tomato soup
+ kolaches from the Czech Bakery in Snook, TX
+ Blue Bell Homemade Vanilla ice cream
+ a double cheeseburger with onion rings from Huey's in Memphis, TN
+ Castlemaine XXXX
+ Bob's Texas Style Jalapeño Potato Chips
+ Patrón agave tequila
+ the salad dressing at the Lobster Pot in Provincetown, MA
+ Badiolo 1997 Chianti Riserva
+ Fuzzy's Chicago-style pizza
+ Guinness Extra Cold
+ Knappogue Castle 1993 single malt Irish whiskey
+ Snyder's Jalapeño Pretzel Bites
+ Young's Winter Warmer

Note that I never said anything about "organic." Or that it had to actually be food.

Now I'm all thirsty.

So don't watch

I don't get it. Everyone went out of their way to point out, when Pat Tillman was killed in Iraq, that we shouldn't let the high-profile death of a famous athlete distract us from the sacrifice of all the other soldiers who have fallen. Some even mentioned that we need to remember the names of the lesser known hundreds who have given their lives as well.

So now Nightline's going to read these names, and everyone's bitching about it.

Sure, it's sweeps. It's also Friday night at 11:30 EST (and the day before the one-year anniversary of Bush's "mission accomplished" aircraft carrier landing, speaking of sweeps stunts). If ABC News was really going for the exploitative factor they'd run it on Primetime Live and 20/20 in the same week, and they'd get someone a little more scintillating than Koppel to do the reading.

More laughable are assertions that Ted Koppel is some kind of cog in the dread liberal media machine. This is the same Koppel who hates Bill Clinton and criticized our reluctance to intervene militarily in the Balkans, right? The same liberal who invites right wing blowhard David Horowitz to speak on his show and lionizes Henry Kissinger? That pinko?

If reading the names of the dead and/or showing their photos isn't an appropriate way to honor them, what do you suggest? I've seen suggestions that waiting until Memorial Day would be more appropriate, which is a nice thought, except KIAs might be up to an even 1000 by then. And while networks love a nice, round number, Nightline's only a half hour show.

"This guy is Gutter, man. He comes over and smokes two major bongloads...he knows how to carb and everything!"

"I...I didn't exhale?"

Figures. I mean, if I'd just waited around for a few days my earlier question about the wisdom of putting Bush and Cheney together before the 9-11 Commission would've been answered. Typically, the White House is setting all the parameters for the hearing, which is why I'm not too optimistic about getting anything out of them:

WASHINGTON - President Bush and Vice President Cheney will meet privately for several hours with the Sept. 11 commission on Thursday. Bush faces the same challenge as he does on the campaign trail: convincing Americans that he responded appropriately to an intelligence system that CIA Director George Tenet said was "blinking red" with warnings of a terrorist strike.

Bush, who describes himself as a wartime president who has made the nation safer, and Vice President Dick Cheney will meet in the Oval Office with 10 members of the independent commission investigating the Sept. 11, 2001, attacks that killed some 3,000 people in New York City, Washington and Pennsylvania.

You bet I feel safer, especially now that my Middle Eastern neighbor knows he's just a phone call away from an FBI visit if his damn dog comes over and pees on my magnolia tree again. God bless the Patriot Act.

But the Oval Office? That's not very sporting. Still, at least now we'll be able to get to the bottom of all the speculation about the Administration's focus on Iraq and whether or not it distracted them from terror warnings, right?

The commission had preferred to meet separately with Bush and Cheney, but the White House wanted the president and vice president to face the commission together. After the administration placed restrictions on holding separate meetings — only two commissioners could meet with each for one hour — the commission agreed to the joint meeting in which all the commissioners could meet for an unspecified amount of time with both.
...
Bush has asked White House counsel Alberto Gonzales and two members of his staff to be there too.

Gonzales will make sure that the ground rules of the meeting are followed, offer legal advice, if requested, and interject himself into the discussion to protect the president and vice president, said John Dean, former White House counsel for President Nixon.

Closed door hearings? No official transcript? Legal counsel present to make sure Bush doesn't trip up? This should be riveting, though of course we won't really know anything until the commission's final report, which is due to come out some three months before the election.

Apropos of nothing

Every so often, I feel the need to get a few things off my chest...

- The next time I hear a white guy in his late 30's wearing a golf shirt and a pair of Dockers greet another similarly clad white guy in his late 30's with the expression, "What up, dog?" I'm going to give him an eagle claw to the throat, Dalton from Road House style.

- In the same vein, and to the Delux_247 lookalike and his wannabe Slim Shady companion I saw at the music store the other day, maybe you fellows should go look up what FUBU stands for. You might understand why all the black register guys were snickering at your outfits.

- There is no such thing as "heighth." It's "height."
- It's "moot," not "mute" (pay attention to your Rick Springfield).
- "Irregardless" isn't a word.
- Also, unless you're Prince, don't subsititute "U" for "you" if you're writing me.

- Ben Stiller hasn't been funny since 1998's Permanent Midnight, when he mistakenly decided he was a serious actor.

- I'm as much of an '80s hair metal aficionado as the next guy, and while I get the joke, I just don't think the Darkness are that good.

- What tear in the fabric of reality occured that made Dr. Phil a diet guru? When can we look forward to his companion volume on avoiding hair loss?

- Finally (and what actually spurred this fiesta of froth), why is it that every vending machine in my building is out of Diet Mountain Dew, yet fully stocked with bottles of Tropicana Strawberry Melon that have been there since January?

False Idols

Taking a break from charging audiences $175 a ticket to hear 30-year old songs and appearing on overrated American sitcoms, Elton John is here to save us from ourselves:

NEW YORK (Reuters) - British Rock star Elton John, a guest judge this month on the U.S. talent hunt TV series "American Idol," said on Tuesday that he found the voting by the national viewing audience "incredibly racist."

John, who heard the wannabe pop stars perform his songs during an appearance on the FOX TV show, added his voice to a chorus of dissent that followed last week's shock exit of black vocalist Jennifer Hudson, considered one of the top talents among those vying for a recording contract.

I don't watch American Idol, but even I heard the howls of indignation after last week's vote that put three of the more talented (black, female) contestants "in danger" and booted (black, female) favorite Jennifer Hudson. Theories abound - from a power outage in the Chicago area (Hudson's hometown) that prevented friends and family from voting - to assumptions by fans of the "good" contestants that they would easily make the final round. Meanwhile, the (apparently) embarrassingly bad red-headed white guy continues to hang on.

Jesus, people...American Idol has been subjecting us to these karaoke bar rejects for three years now. Is it at all possible the talent pool has finally gotten a little diluted? Or here's a thought, maybe - in an unprecedented bid to keep ratings up - Fox execs engineered a little "controversy" to get people watching again.

It certainly got "Sir Elton's" dander up:

"The three people I was really impressed with, and they just happened to be black, young female singers, and they all seem to be landing in the bottom three," said John, commenting on the tally in which the lowest vote-getter is eliminated.

"They have great voices. The fact that they're constantly in the bottom three -- and I don't want to set myself up here -- but I find it incredibly racist," John said at a news conference promoting his Radio City Music Hall concert...

The show often gets more than 20 million people voting.

Yeah, well, there's your problem. Let's not forget Hanlon's Razor: "Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity." This may get a little circular, but the issue here is that the kind of people who would actually vote on a show like American Idol...vote on American Idol. How many voters on this show are teenaged girls (I'm going to go out on a limb and say, "a shitload")? Could the fact that one of the only remaining contestants is a teenaged boy have anything to do with it?

In a country where even the chronically spastic or borderlne retarded can get a recording contract, anything's possible.

The results moved show host Ryan Seacrest to remind viewers that the series was a talent hunt and not a popularity contest.

"America, don't forget you have to vote for the talent," Seacrest said before closing the show. "You cannot let talent like this slip through the cracks."

You tell 'em, Ryan. I think I speak for everyone when I say that a world deprived of From Justin to Kelly or Ruben Studdard's cameo on Scooby Doo 2 would be a dark place indeed.

UPDATE: Red-headed dude was voted off last night. Everyone can relax now and go back to preparing for ritual hara-kiri after the last episode of Friends.

Gorilla my dreams

Who knew Ingrid Bergman ever considered monkeying around with her image?

Revered actress Ingrid Bergman's greatest regret during her illustrious career was turning down the opportunity to appear in Planet Of The Apes. The Casablanca star was offered a part in the 1968 movie opposite Charlton Heston and, according to her actress daughter Isabella Rossellini, was keen to appear so she could "disregard her regal bearing". Rossellini tells London's Time Out newspaper, "She badly regretted turning down a part in the Planet Of The Apes franchise."

I have to assume she was talking about the role of animal psychologist Dr. Zira, which ended up going to Kim Hunter (A Streetcar Named Desire).

Ingrid Bergman as Zira...just imagine:

I smell Oscar. Or maybe it's just the stinking paws of a damn, dirty ape.

Target of opportunity?

Coming at the idea of joint testimony by Bush and Cheney in front of the 9-11 commission from a different angle: isn't it generally considered a bad idea - in time of war - to have the President and the Vice President together in the same place? Is one of them video-conferencing, or are they really both going to physically appear side by side on Thursday?

I'm not asking to be snide, I'm genuinely curious. One of the main reasons given for Cheney's disappearing act in early 2002 was the war in Afghanistan and the threat of retaliatory attacks, after all.

Then again, I'm assuming they'll be appearing in the same place as previous sessions, which may not be the case. It won't be televised, so who can say? They might convene at Whitey's in Arlington, for all I know.

Nah, half-price burger night is Wednesday. Wouldn't make sense.

What's in a name?

For a while now, I've noticed a growing number of minivans and SUVs sporting a back window sticker or two that's something along the lines of a megaphone with a girl's name - representing their daughter the cheerleader, or a football with a boy's name - representing their son the bench jockey. Haven't seen any chess pieces or circular saw stickers yet, leading me to believe either a) the chess club doesn't advertise, or b) parents aren't maybe a little selective in what makes them crow about their offspring.

Then I read on Fark about the new trend: stick figure window stickers that show Mom, Dad, and the kids, all with the family member's names underneath. Kind of takes all the romance and intrigue out of being a child predator, doesn't it? In the old days stalking a youngster meant somehow coaxing the name out of a friend or family member, or skulking around their house and stealing their mail, at least. Now all you have to do is drive around your favorite suburb. If you're really lucky, you might even find a home with signs posted in the yard with the kids' names on them.

How convenient is that? No more suspiciously tailing vehicles or doing those creepy low speed drive-bys with your lights off, now that Mom and Dad are doing all your legword for you.

I've always felt vague annoyance with those "My child is an Honors Student" bumper stickers. I tend to ascribe evil motives to most people, and I always suspected the parents sporting such decoration on their cars were engaging more in one-upmanship with other parents than actually expressing pride in their kids (hard to believe, I know). Now, since that's not enough, they're telling everyone their kids' names and at least one of the extracurricular activities in which they participate. Combine that with the Old English letters spelling out the last name that I've seen on other cars around town and you might as well put the kid out on the curb for pick up

Okay, maybe not. I'm still a little squirrely about it, however.

Forward...march

While it was refreshing to see the turnout for the March for Women's Lives on Sunday, it was also sobering to read the New York Times story yesterday about the change in tactics by anti-abortion organizations. The blockades of the late '80s/early '90s, while not completely gone, have largely given way to legislative efforts and "family friendly" attempts (web sites, literature) to win younger people to their cause. The Bush Administration is loaded to the gills with people who, as Sen. Clinton put it, "consider Roe v. Wade the worst abomination of constitutional law in our history." Even so, opponents have been backing away from the idea of an outright ban and instead have been lobbying for laws and regulations that gradually erode the right to choose. The whole frog in a pan of water concept keeps springing to mind.

Of course, none of this is news to anybody who follows the issue. And while the "mainstream" anti-abortion contingent insists they have no connections to violence or illegal activities, clinic workers and doctors continue to be harassed and threatened. The "pro-life" movement may have begun to adopt a friendlier façade, but it's still fueled by the same anti-woman rights agenda that's always lurked at its core. They can afford to appear magnanimous now that they have like-minded and equally intolerant allies in the White House, is all.

It took a while, but hopefully the march this weekend is indicative of a reawakening for women's rights supporters. And while photo ops with Ashley Judd and Heather Thomas are fine and dandy, none of it means dick if people don't vote this fall. Supporters had eight years of Clinton to grow apathetic with the assumption that women in this country would always have access to safe, legal abortion. Since Bush took office, however, we've seen the ban on so-called "partial birth" abortions, the passage of the Unborn Victims of Violence Act, and the imposing of waiting periods on women seeking the procedure. Meanwhile, the judicial appointments stack up, and a whole generation of Americans are growing into adulthood who have never known what it was like to live without reproductive freedom.

Something else stood out about the Times article. It quoted somebody in the anti-abortion movement as talking about how all they want to do is limit the number of abortions. First, well gee, that's all anybody wants - abortion rights supporters don't want the U.S. to become like Russia, where having an abortion is a kind of birth control. Second, whoever they quoted is lying, because if the anti-abortion movement really only wanted to limit the number of abortions, they wouldn't block attempts by Planned Parenthood and other groups to educate young people about birth control and prevent unplanned pregnancies in the first place. The fight against abortion is still just one facet (albeit a pretty hefty one) of the Christian right's attempt to advance their fundamentalist dogma. Enough is enough.

Feels drafty in here

I checked out the first 20 or so picks in the NFL Draft today, but only because I had about 4 hours to kill. I'm glad the whole Eli Manning thing was resolved before Andrea Kremer's carotid ruptured from sputtering over all the "controversy."

At first, I wanted to see who Houston would take with #10. They selected Dunta Robinson, though I'm skeptical as to how effective a 5' 10" cornerback will be. The "experts" all seem to think he's almost as good as DeAngelo Hall, who went to Atlanta at #8. Of course, I had to wait to hear that because almost as soon as Robinson got done shaking hands, Roethlisberger went to the Steelers.

Good. Of the three QBs that went in the top 10, I like him best. I hope Manning likes that shitty Giants O-line he ended up with.

Then I stuck around to see who the Bears would take at #14. Oh, tempestuous Fate, you have saddled me with Tommie Harris. Now I have to cheer for a Sooner. It's almost as bad as when they drafted that UCLA asshole McNown.

Other random thoughts:

+ Screw you, Michael Irvin. UT fans are happy Roy Williams stayed on for his senior year. Although he may have reconsidered if he knew he'd end up at Detroit.

+ Where'd that half-naked Statue of Liberty lady come from after the Rivers trade? Boo, ESPN, for not profiling her.

+ Did it ever occur to the ESPN folks, while putting together their gushing tribute to Pat Tillman, that it was a tad inappropriate? After all, this is the guy who refused to do interviews after leaving the Cardinals to enlist because he didn't want to be regarded as any different from any other soldier. Did it ever cross their minds that practically elevating the guy to sainthood - especially in such a way as to promote their own draft coverage - might have pissed him off?

"Boy, what in the hell are you talking about?"

All it took to get Bush to acknowledge the fallen servicemen and women of the Iraq War was for a picture to be published in a major metropolitan newspaper:

NAPLES, Florida (CNN) -- President Bush has seen the photographs of caskets of slain U.S. military personnel returning from Iraq and was "moved" by them, according to a White House spokesman, who defended the policy against making such pictures public.

"We must pay attention to the privacy of the families, that's what the policy is based on," White House Spokesman Trent Duffy told reporters, calling that "our first priority."

I think I just got whiplash. Almost any American is going to be "moved" by these images, dude. That was one of the reasons they were taken in the first place.

The pictures aren't that detailed, but how is the privacy of any soldier's family being violated? This isn't the equivalent of showing an airman's corpse being dragged through downtown Mogadishu, after all.

He said the images are a stark reminder of the sacrifices American men and women have given to protect freedom, and said those sacrifices are why the United States "must win."

Does this guy have any more sides of his mouth to talk out of? Not to sound cynical, but if the coffins are such a "stark reminder" of why we "must win," why isn't the White House insisting they get splashed on the front page of every daily in the country? If Duffy and his bosses really believe in their propaganda value, there shouldn't be any problem with releasing the photos, because they'll unite Americans behind the war effort.

Unless, of course, they don't.

Reviews, we got reviews

If you're so inclined, mosey on over to Film Threat for my Man on Fire review (2 1/2 stars), which is up now, as well as the review for 13 Going on 30 (2 stars). The latter should be up in an hour or so, but I'm including the link here because, well...I can.

Remember your epilepsy medicine if you plan on checking out Man on Fire. And sneak a flask into 13 Going on 30, though - contrary to earlier sentiments - I didn't think it was all that bad.

"Do you have any idea what kind kind of things can fall into an industrial sausage press, not counting rodent hairs and bug excrement?"

What's Spanish for "long pig" again? Oh, here it is: cerdo largo. Thanks, Babelfish.

Why do I ask? Masque on this:

MEXICO CITY, Mexico (AP) -- A tamale vendor in western Mexico was arrested after police discovered a carved-up body in his home, a spokeswoman for state prosecutors said Wednesday. The vendor denied using human flesh in his food.

The vendor, who sold tamales from a cart, was arrested Tuesday after police received an anonymous tip that he had a dismembered body in his house, spokeswoman Lorena Cortes said.

Police entered the home and found body parts, some of which appeared to have been boiled with herbs, Cortes said. Officials were trying to determine if tamales found in the house contained human remains.

Everyone shrinking in revulsion right now should take a walk down memory lane and remember the last time you had a hot dog. Chances are a little human flesh would've upped the heart health quotient a fair bit.

The suspect told police he killed the man, who has not yet been identified by police, in a drunken argument on Monday, but he denied using the body parts in his tamales, Cortes said.

The story was front-page news in Mexico, where one tabloid headline screamed: "Tamales of Death!"

Man, that's a great headline. I would've added, "¡No me gusta!," but I'm sure they wanted to treat the situation with all the respect and solemnity it deserves.

And he ain't wearing no clothes...

Good times. Good times (via Fark):

It is 30 years since the word streaking entered the English language - courtesy of an Australian accountant who bore more than a passing resemblance to Jesus.

Michael O'Brien set the ball rolling when he invaded an England-France rugby match at Twickenham in April 1974, wearing nothing more than a smile.

It's been over 30 years here in the States. The 1973 Oscar streak is still a high point in Academy Awards history (as is presenter David Niven's response[1]), but I didn't catch it when it aired, and I was largely oblivious to the phenomenon until high school. Streaking, Old School notwithstanding, always seemed like a '70s thing, and any naked running around I did in those days was explained away by the fact I was a toddler.

Three decades on and streaking has been accepted as part and parcel of our sporting culture.

We've had people getting their kit off at the football, the cricket, the tennis - even the Richard and Judy weather map, for goodness sake.

Streaking is, I guess, preferable to random people running out on the field fully clothed, if only because you can't help but wonder where they'd be able to hide any possible weapons. I think it's a mostly harmless - if occasionally annoying - distraction. Even so, it's hard to keep things like the attacks on Monica Seles and Tom Gamboa out of our minds. Never mind that for the last few years, we're keenly aware of the attractiveness of large crowds as targets. And you'd probably still be hard pressed to convince players or officials on the field of play that such people don't pose a threat.

Quite by coincidence, I hear there was a streaker at Tuesday's Cards-Astros game.

I can't tell if streaking is on the rise or if it's just something temporarily latched onto by marketing geniuses. GoldenPalace.com has certainly gotten a lot of mileage out of the Super Bowl streaker and adult film actress Brittney Skye at last year's U.S. Open. Maybe some enterprising future streaker will take the NASCAR approach and obtain multiple sponsors to bedeck his/her naked bod.

Anyway, I'm not much of an exhibitionist, so I've never felt the urge to let it all hang out. Fortunately, it looks like the fairer sex is starting to pick up the slack, as it were:

But the title of streaking queen has to go to 22-year-old Tracy Sergeant, whose crowing glory came at the Indoor Bowls Championship in 2000.

A statement from officials read: "After having studied the whole unsavoury incident on 43 occasions, including slow motion replays, we have decided against implementing a rule that spectators should remain clothed at all times."

At least they were thorough. In any event, we seem to have missed the boat to the utopian vision of Streak Dome '97.

[1] "The only laugh that man will ever get in his life is by stripping... and showing his shortcomings."

Gah

Anybody want to take a stab at writing this 13 Going On 30 review for me?

"The new improved Kidz Newz...has been canceled."

Have the mighty Simpsons struck out?

No more d'oh?!

That may be the fate for the voice actors of The Simpsons and for fans of the long-running animated sitcom if the most recent contract dispute between the show's actors and Simpsons network Fox continues to simmer.

Six actors who provide the voices for dozens of Simpsons characters--Hank Azaria (Moe, Apu and Comic Book Guy), Nancy Cartwright (Bart and Nelson), Dan Castellaneta (Homer and Krusty), Julie Kavner (news) (Marge), Harry Shearer (news) (Mr. Burns and Smithers) and Yeardley Smith (news) (Lisa)--are asking the network for more d'oh, er, dough. Currently, the stars make $125,000 per episode, and they're looking for the powers that be to nearly triple that figure, to $360,000 per episode or almost $8 million a year for a 22-episode season.

Their other demand: profit participation, which is especially lucrative considering The Simpsons' potential merchandising, syndication and DVD profits. ...

Fox's response so far: no more dough. And, with negotiations still at an impasse earlier this week, Fox announced it would be forced to shorten the episode order for next season--which would definitely give fans a cow.

Some fans, maybe. As I've remarked before, I watch the new episodes more out of inertia than anything else. I'd be saddened at the thought of no more Simpsons, but- like most Americans - I'd soon be distracted by the next Baywatch TV movie or COPS at Mardi Gras.

Besides, Matt Groening has been a constant pain in Fox's ass, and his discontent has only increased since Futurama was given the axe. It may seem hard to believe that the network would kill its golden goose, and the show that put them on the map, but it wouldn't be the first time they'd shot down a popular series (Buffy or Freaks and Geeks, anyone?).

Still, $360,000 an episode? Should anyone but professional athletes and runway models really make that kind of money?

According to Yeardley Smith's agent, John Kelly, however, Fox's refusal to play ball with the actors is not just about money but is tantamount to a lack of acknowledgement of the actors' contributions to the wildly successful franchise. Fox claims the figure is high, but the actors' reps have estimated that Springfieldian saga has earned Fox and the show's executive producers more than $2.5 billion since it debuted in 1989.

"The issue is twofold," Kelly told the New York Times. "The personalities that the audience identifies with for each of these characters don't come from the drawings but from the personalities of the characters, which are provided by the actors. The second thing is there are 40-some regular characters on the show. They're all voiced by these six actors."

Well, yeah...but 30 of those are voiced by three people:

Hank Azaria - Carl, Chief Wiggum, Moe, Apu, Snake, Dr. Nick, Prof. Frink, Comic Book Guy, Superintendent Chalmers, Cletus, Lou, a buttload of supporting characters
Nancy Cartwright - Bart, Nelson Muntz, Ralph
Dan Castellaneta - Homer, Grandpa, Groundskeeper Willie, Barney, Mayor Quimby, Krusty, Sideshow Mel
Julie Kavner - Marge, Patty, Selma,
Harry Shearer - Mr. Burns, Smithers, Lenny, Principal Skinner, Otto, Jasper, Herman, Flanders, Kent Brockman, Rev. Lovejoy, Dr. Hibbert, Capt. McAllister, Eddie
Yeardley Smith - Lisa

Why not give them raises commensurate to the amount of work they do and tell the others to piss up a rope? Shearer and Azaria get a nice raise, Castellaneta gets a bump, and everyone else - sorry to say - is out of luck.

And, though The Simpsons actors' reps argue that their clients should receive the same level of compensations that actors on live-action hits like Friends and Everybody Loves Raymond enjoy, the argument against that comparison is that actors on live-action shows work full time on their series, and often, because of time commitments, to the exclusion of outside projects. The Simpsons voice talent, on the other hand, typically works two half days for each episode.

Yeah, that's the other thing. It does seem stingy of Fox not to share out some of the profits, but I'm having trouble summoning my inner reserves of righteous indignation for someone making $15,625 an hour.

Everybody's doing it

Tim did it. Christopher did it. Now I gotta do it. What is "it," you ask? Why, a Top 10 worst songs list, that's what.

Silly persons.

Blender Magazine, not one to follow in Rolling Stone's hoary tradition of listing the "Greatest 12-Minute Jerk Off Guitar Solos" and the like, is releasing a list of the 50 Worst Songs of All Time. Having taken some flack for their 50 Worst Bands list, they appear to have eschewed the blunt smoking adolescent viewpoint in favor of some writers who kinda sorta know that they're talking about (The Village Voice's Rob Tannenabaum and Mim Udovitch of Esquire, for starters). Without further ado, here's their list (my keen and witty comments for some entries are included):

1. We Built This City - Starship ... Could just as easily have listed Sara or Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now. In fact, I'm in favor of the latter just for its inclusion in the movie Mannequin.
2. Achy Breaky Heart - Billy Ray Cyrus ... This and Ice Ice Baby are gimme picks, though it's hard to argue with their inclusion.
3. Everybody Have Fun Tonight - Wang Chung
4. Rollin' - Limp Bizkit
5. Ice Ice Baby - Vanilla Ice ... see #2
6. The Heart of Rock & Roll - Huey Lewis and the News ... Presented as a representative sample, I assume, since pretty much anything Huey Lewis and the News released could make this list. The same goes for the collected works of post-1985 Genesis, Mr. Mister, Lionel Richie, Hammer, Whitney Houston, Gerardo, Color Me Badd, New Kids on the Block, Bryan Adams, and Celine Dion.
7. Don't Worry, Be Happy - Bobby McFerrin
8. Party All the Time - Eddie Murphy ... What, having Rick James as a producer doesn't count for something? Bitch.
9. American Life - Madonna
10. Ebony and Ivory - Paul McCartney, Stevie Wonder ... Bad, but still light years ahead of McCartney and Michael Jackson's The Girl Is Mine.
11. Invisible - Clay Aiken
12. Kokomo - The Beach Boys
13. Illegal Alien - Genesis
14. From a Distance - Bette Midler ... Which is how this song is best heard. With your ear canals stuffed with molten lead.
15. I'll Be There for You - The Rembrandts ... Meh. The Family Ties song has to be one of the worst TV theme songs ever. I'd sing I'll Be There For You in a Norwegian death metal club before listening to "What would we do, baby? Sha la la la" again.
16. What's Up? - 4 Non Blondes ... I feel for Linda Perry. She's got great pipes, but she writes songs like a 14-year old discovering Kafka for the first time. What's Up? pales next to her other "up" song, Fill Me Up, a solo Perry single from 1996.
17. Pumps and a Bump - Hammer
18. You're The Inspiration - Chicago ... Chicago stands as one of those '70s bands that sacrificed all pretense of artistic integrity in order to score more chicks with excruciating '80s power ballads. See also .38 Special and REO Speedwagon.
19. Broken Wings - Mr. Mister ... Give bassist/vocalist Richard Page some credit. The longtime session player put together a band designed to do nothing more than sell harmless (if mostly banal) puff singles, made his money, then quit. At last count, Mr. Mister had three studio albums and four "greatest hits" compilations. Well played.
20. Dancing on the Ceiling - Lionel Richie
21. Two Princes - Spin Doctors ... The ugly career smackdown of the hippy-trippy Spin Doctors is one reason to be thankful for grunge.
22. Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue (The Angry American) - Toby Keith ... The best Toby Keith quote I've ever heard came from Jack Sparks:

Mainstream Nashville is a whore. If it were suddenly cool to be a cross-dressing, gay, Republican, Toby Keith would fly to the White House wearing eye-shadow and lipstick to fellate the President at a press conference in the Rose Garden with a Ford pickup in the background.

That about sums it up.
23. Sunglasses at Night - Corey Hart ... Oh please, nobody at the magazine thought Sunglasses At Night was a cool song? Even in its early MTV heyday?
24. Superman- Five for Fighting ... Yes, yes, a thousand times yes. "It's not easy to be me?" You're fucking Superman! How pathetic are the times we live in when the Man of Steel moans about wishing that he could cry and not being meant to ride with "clouds between his knees?" Someone get me a copy of the Ramones covering the "Spider-Man" TV show theme song. Stat.
25. I'll Be Missing You - Puff Daddy featuring Faith Evans and 112 ... I forgot to include Puff Daddy on the list of "representative sample" artists, but he belongs there, too. Even good songs ("Every Breath You Take") sound like ass when the Didster gets through with them.
26. The End - The Doors ... There's no better music to kill Marlon Brando by.
27. The Final Countdown - Europe ... I mistakenly (and embarrassingly) thought this was the theme to that movie about the aircraft carrier going back in time for longer than I care to admit.
28. Your Body Is a Wonderland - John Mayer ... How bad is it for John Mayer that his best known song is this treacly bit of garbage? I'm sure he's crying all the way to the Jaguar dealership.
29. Breakfast at Tiffany's - Deep Blue Something ... All I know about DBS is that they were from Dallas and occasionally played at a crummy sports bar I used to frequent in College Station. Breakfast at Tiffany's was originally released on a CD in 1992, but didn't make it to mainstream rotation until 1999. That's a long time to coast on one song, but they did their best.
30. Greatest Love of All - Whitney Houston
31. Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm - Crash Test Dummies
32. Will 2K - Will Smith
33. Barbie Girl - Aqua ... Was this really that bad? It didn't seem any worse than the majority of crap on top 40 radio at the time.
34. Longer - Dan Fogelberg ... The success of Fogelberg's smooth '70s sound is, I hope, a consolation for the fact that he must've gotten mocked regularly in his high school locker room for his marked lack of testicles.
35. Shiny Happy People - R.E.M.
36. Make Em Say Uhh! - Master P featuring Silkk, Fiend, Mia-X and Mystikal ... Uhh?
37. Rico Suave - Gerardo ... Many people think I didn't go out much my senior year of college in order to bring my grades up, this is untrue. I didn't go out much because every goddamn bar my friends frequented played this song incessantly.
38. Cotton Eyed - Joe Rednex
39. She Bangs -Ricky Martin
40. I Wanna Sex You Up - Color Me Badd ... Jesus. I'd forgotten what a low ebb the early 1990's represented for American music.
41. We Didn't Start the Fire - Billy Joel ... Ugh. Non-contextual history couched in more Baby Boomer whining. Christie should've cheated on him sooner. With Michael Stipe.
42. The Sounds of Silence - Simon & Garfunkel ... This one has me a little perplexed. Surely I Am A Rock is more pretentious, or Feelin' Groovy more wimp-folky.
43. Follow Me - Uncle Kracker
44. I'll Do Anything for Love (But I Won't Do That) - Meat Loaf ... How did the entire Bat Out of Hell album not make the cut again? I should shut up, since I actually used to like Bat Out of Hell.
45. Mesmerize - Ja Rule featuring Ashanti
46. Hangin' Tough - New Kids on the Block
47. The Only Thing That Looks Good on Me Is You - Bryan Adams
48. Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da - The Beatles ... If you want to make a token slap at an iconic '60s British Invasion band, put Hot Stuff by the Rolling Stones here.
49. I'm Too Sexy - Right Said Fred
50. My Heart Will Go On - Celine Dion

I should point out that I've never heard #s 9, 11, 17, 32, 36, 43, 45, or 47. For this I am a happy dude.

Now for the unhappiness. Or my Bottom 10, as I like to call it. My sole criterion for this was that I only included songs by people who were musical acts first, so no Don Johnson, Eddie Murphy, J-Lo, Shatner, etc. I couldn't tell you how high these songs charted, if at all. All I know is they fill me with as much revulsion as the thought of sharing a hot tub with Bill O'Reilly, Prince, and Nia Vardalos.

If you haven't heard these songs in a long time, I'm only to happy to have reminded you of their existence. As always, if you don't like my list, make your own.

10. Heaven - Warrant: Picking Warrant for this spot is the equivalent of dropping the names of a hundred hair metal songs in a hat and picking one at random. Warrant is one of the more egregious offenders, so they get the coveted 10th spot.
9. Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman? - Bryan Adam: A lyrical sample:

When you love a woman
you tell her that she's really woman
When you love a woman
you tell her that she's the one

What the fucking fuck? This is horrible even for one of Adams' notorious power movie ballads (and I thought he'd never go lower than Everything I Do (I Do it For You)).
8. Roll to Me - Del Amitri: Look, I love Del Amitri. I think Change Anything is one of the best albums released in the last 15 years, and own just about everything they've ever put out. That said, this song (from 1998's Twisted) is grotesque. It's the Dels' attempt to release a radio-friendly single that avoided their usual themes of drinking, alienation, and drinking. Mission accomplished, but wow does it suck.
7. Desert Moon - Dennis DeYoung: Chris made this #1 on his list. Good choice. Styx was responsible for some horrible affronts to popular music, including Lady and the entirety of the Kilroy Was Here album, but it wasn't until DeYoung was cut loose that he broke the chains of mediocrity and plumbed new lows.
6. It's Been Awhile - Staind: My catch-all selection for every pathetic pissing and moaning "rock" song released since the death of Kurt Cobain. Substitute your favorite Everclear or Nickelback song as warranted.
5. Body Language - Queen: Queen's ill-conceived tribute to the joys of casual sex. Good thinkin'.
4. I Can't Dance - Genesis: Illegal Alien is Stairway to Heaven combined with Orff's Carmina Burana by comparison.
3. Afternoon Delight - Starland Vocal Band: All too easy. How about some more Bryan Adams lyrics?

Have you ever really
Really really ever loved a woman?

The Crappy Movie Tie-In Single Lyrics Generator must've been acting up that day. Call Professor Frink.
2. Anything by Christopher Cross: You really (really really) could put together an entire Worst 10 list from songs by bands that won the Best New Artist category at the Grammies (SVB, Cross, Milli Vanilli). However, the possession of a complete discography of Christopher Cross albums qualifies as a Level 4 biohazard.
1. Wildfire - Michael Martin Murphey: Jesus, maybe Chris had the right idea by excluding all songs from 1970-75. Give the guy credit for tapping the lucrative Homely Girls Who Were Really Into Horses market, though. As wailing, pre-punk, faux sensitive balladeering goes, it's hard to beat, which is why it's number one.
BONUS: With Arms Wide Open - Creed: Bellowing Eddie Vedder wannabe Scott Stapp seizes the "homunculus mongoloid" crown from Billy Ray Cyrus and runs with it. With Arms Wide Open is destined to go down as theSeasons in the Sun of this generation.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go puncture my eardrums with a fondue fork.

In the year 2004, Garry Trudeau will kill B.D.

Not really, he's actually just amputating his leg:

KANSAS CITY, Mo. - A main character in the "Doonesbury" comic strip will lose a leg while fighting in Iraq, one of two strips published this week that feature soldiers getting injured in the war.

In Monday's "Doonesbury," B.D., a football coach-turned-soldier, was injured after being reactivated in the Army at the end of 2002, following a losing football season.

Later this week, he will wake up to find his left leg amputated, according to Universal Press Syndicate, the strip's distributor.

Screw that, kill the guy. Back up your froth over Iraq by icing one of the main characters in your comic strip. B.D. survived Vietnam and the Gulf War, didn't he? Seems like the guy's living on borrowed time as it is.

I remember reading the Doonesbury books when I was a kid back in the '70s. Maybe it's because the jokes went over my head half the time ("Look out, it's a staggering deficit!"), but I think Trudeau was less strident in those days. The strips were wordier, which was probably a function of the amount of room he used to have to work with, but the humor seemed more subtle.

"Doonesbury" creator Garry Trudeau said he wanted to illustrate the sacrifices American soldiers are making.

Heh. "Illustrate." Good one.

"It's a task any writer should approach with great humility, but I think it's worth doing," Trudeau said. "We are at war, and we can't lose sight of the hardships war inflicts on individual lives."

Trudeau said B.D. would learn to deal with his injury "probably the same way so many wounded vets seem to — with gratitude for having had one's life spared, empathy and respect for those who have suffered worse, and a grim sense of humor indispensable to fending off despair."

So...he's ripping off Cutter John from Bloom County? How wonderfully ironic.

If Trudeau really wants to keep "the hardships war inflicts on individual lives" in perspective, he shouldn't let B.D go back to his loving wife and friendly community with a new devil-may-care attitude: he should put him out on the street. Make Boopsie unable to deal with his (now sometimes violent) mood swings and throw him out. Show him approaching Mike for a handout and have Mike turn away in revulsion without realizing who this bum really is. Rather than "fending off despair," show the despair.

Not that tired jokes showcasing B.D.'s new "grim sense of humor" won't be effective as well, of course. I can hardly wait for the first time B.D. says he's "stumping for Bush."

"These are just some sorry kids, they ain't the ones"

In keeping with APCB's tradition of writing rememberance posts a day after the anniversary of the event we're supposed to be remembering, here's my recollections of the events of April 19, 1995.

I spent the bulk of the day in the library at George Washington University, where I was getting my Master's. It was my first semester, and most afternoons were spent at Gelman Library fattening my sense of dread by reading the likes of Robert Kaplan's "The Coming Anarchy" and Samuel Huntington's "Clash of Civilizations" (and Francis Fukayama can kiss my ass). I may have stepped outside once or twice to grab a coffee from the cart on H Street, but the library was one of the few campus buildings not blaring CNN on half a dozen TVs, so I had no idea anything had gone down.

When I got to my 4:00 National Security Policy class, I was still pretty oblivious. Granted, I had moved to DC from Texas a scant three months earlier and knew a whopping five or six people at school, but the only friend I had in class - Joe - was late getting there from work so we didn't have time to discuss the day's events.

Our professor, one Colonel "Sandy" Hallenbeck[1], deviated somewhat from the syllabus that day, discussing domestic terrorism instead of Les Aspin's "Bottoms-Up" review, or whatever. I didn't think much of it until he said this, "Essentially, there isn't a lot you can do from a national policy perspective to keep some maniac from driving a Ryder truck full of fertilizer up to a federal building in Oklahoma and blowing it to hell." Where did that come from? I remember thinking, but kept my mouth shut. Since everyone else seemed to be nodding sagely, I figured I'd inadvertantly skipped over something in that week's reading.

There was a restaurant a few blocks away that Joe and I would sometimes hit after class to get a few pitchers and talk about football. That evening, we met another guy, Dan, and plopped down in a booth. After a few minutes small talk, I said, "I think the Agent Orange finally got to Hallenbeck."
Joe: "What are you talking about?"
Me: "That Ryder truck thing, where did that come from?"
Joe and Dan looked at each other, then back at me.
Dan: "Are you serious?"
Me: "Why? What's going on?"
Joe pointed to the TV over the bar. I looked.
Me: [two minutes later] "Aha."

The rest of the evening was spent in rumination about which faction of Arab terrorism was responsible. Keen anaylsts, one and all.

This is always a squirrely time of year for domestic whack-jobs. April 19, 1995 was the day McVeigh blew up the Murrah Building, but it's also the day, in 1993, that the Branch Davidian compound went up in Waco. Focus in Iraq and al-Qaeda has dimmed the spotlight on homegrown terrorists, but they're still out there. Republican or Democrat in the White House, these guys hate everything the federal government represents. My bet is that they aren't through making noise.

UPDATE: I noticed today was also the 5-year anniversary of the Columbine shootings. Courtesy of This Day in History, I dug up a list of similar events that have taken place on April 19-20:

April 19, 1775 - American Revolution begins with battles at Lexington and Concord.
April 19, 1861 - Secessionist citizens of Baltimore, MD riot against the 6th Massachusetts Regiment. Four soldiers and 12 Baltimore residents are killed.
April 19, 1865 - Funeral of Abraham Lincoln.
April 20, 1871 - Third Force Act passed by Congress authorizing President Grant to declare martial law and use military force against the Ku Klux Klan.
April 20, 1889 - Adolf Hitler born.
April 20, 1914 - Private militia hired by Rockefeller mining interests attack striking miners and their families in Ludlow, CO. 66 die.
April 19. 1993 - FBI and ATF agents storm the Branch Davidian compound at Mt. Carmel in Waco, TX. At days end, leader David Koresh and at least 80 followers are killed.
April 19, 1995 - Turner Diaries fan Timothy McVeigh parks a truck bomb outside the Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building in Oklahoma City, OK, killing 168.
April 20, 1999 - Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold kill 13 at Columbine High School in Littleton, CO.

Hmmm. Maybe I'll stay home next year.

[1] His given name was "Ralph." To all of us in his class, he was "Colonel Hallenbeck," even at the Italian bistro where he and a few of us from class would occasionally gather after class for beers. That is, until The Wife and a few of her friends joined us one Wednesday and he introduced himself to each of them as "Sandy." Those of us actually in his class shot a look at each other.
"Sandy? Since when?"
"Since always," the teacher formerly known as Col. Hallenbeck shrugged, "You never bothered to ask."

We were never a bunch of hot coeds either, but none of us felt like offering that theory.

Thanks for clearing that up

Didn't take long for the White House and the Saudis to deny the election price fixing story I discussed earlier:

WASHINGTON (CNN) -- The White House and a top Saudi official denied Monday a report of a deal to lower gasoline prices before the November presidential election.

The Bush administration did say it has received assurances from Saudi Arabia that oil prices will stay in the range of $22 to $28 per barrel, but said the recent discussions have nothing to do with presidential politics.

When exactly are we supposed to see prices fall to that level again? This month? Next? I only ask because, at $36.75 a barrel, it's got a ways to go before hitting $28. And the longer it takes for prices to reach that mark, the more criticism the Administration's going to receive from obnoxious jerkwads.

In a morning briefing with reporters, White House spokesman Scott McClellan said Saudi Arabia recently "committed to making sure prices remained in a range of, I believe, $22 to $28" per barrel.

So you said. Funny thing is, the $22-$28 price band to which they keep referring was approved by OPEC back in 2000. Why is the White House presenting this like it's some new idea?

McClellan, grilled on the topic during the briefing with reporters Monday, said, "Prices should be determined by market forces, and we are always in close contact with producers around the world on these issues."

The only "market force" at play here is OPEC's production squeeze. Nice of McClellan to invoke the holy talisman of Capitalism, though.

Anyway, I'd be remiss in my duties if I didn't give the opposition a chance to speak. Senator Kerry?

"If, as Bob Woodward reports, it is true that gas supplies and prices in America are tied to the American election, then tied to a secret White House deal, that is outrageous and unacceptable to the American people," he told voters in Lake Worth, Florida.

"It is fundamentally wrong," he added. "It's my prayer that Americans are not being held hostage to a secret deal."

Yeah. You'd hate that.

"Nothing can kill the Grimace."

The CEO, on the other hand:

NEW YORK (CNN/Money) - The board of McDonald's Corp. named Charlie Bell chief executive after Jim Cantalupo, the leader of the recent turnaround at the world's biggest fast-food chain, died of an apparent heart attack Monday. ... Cantalupo, 60, was at a McDonald's convention in Orlando, Fla., when he was suddenly stricken.

Stricken by rodent ninjas with white gloves and high-pitched voices after Cantalupo threatened to pull McDonald's out of Disneyworld, I bet.

"Jim came in with a backdrop of sluggish sales, reduced earnings over several years and heavy price discounting," said Dennis Milton, an analyst at S&P. "He focused on product development with the salads, all-white chicken products and other relevant food innovations such as the 'adult happy meals' with yogurt and fruit."

The premium salads, all-white meat chicken, no more supersizing, and adult Happy Meals are all innovations from the last year. Surely Cantalupo wasn't merely reacting to public pressure to quit acting as an accessory to the fattening of America?

To those commenting on the "just desserts" angle of the CEO of McDonald's dying of a heart attack, I'd like to point out two things:

1) The man was 60 years old. Younger people than he have had fatal heart attacks.
2) Cantalupo made $1.4 million last year. How often do you think that guy actually ate at McDonald's?

And on a related note, November SUV sales are expected to skyrocket

And here I thought I'd hallucinated this last night:

NEW YORK (CNN) - A top Saudi official has assured President Bush that his country will increase oil production to lower gas prices before November to help the president's re-election prospects, according to a broadcast report Sunday.

Washington Post journalist Bob Woodward, discussing his new book on the run-up to the Iraq war on CBS' '60 Minutes,' said Prince Bandar bin Sultan, the Saudi ambassador to the United States and a long-time friend of the Bush family, has given the pledge that "certainly over the summer, or as we get closer to the election, they could increase production several million barrels a day and the price would drop significantly."

No really, I'm not sure what infant-raising activity I was engaged in while 60 Minutes played in the background, but I immediately shrugged off what I heard Woodward say as a likely product of my rampant paranoia.

Then again, why is it the Republican presidential candidates who are always in cahoots with Islamic fundamentalists? Iran delayed the release of the embassy hostages until Ronald Reagan and George H.W. Bush were inaugrated (and thanks to...other considerations), so is it really that hard to believe George W. Bush is in bed with the Saudis, even in spite of increasing calls from this country for the government of Saudi Arabia to distance themselves from Islamic extremists?

Woodward's revelation comes on the heels of last week's somewhat less shocking disclosure on Good Morning America that the Bush camp has been mocking the fact that John Kerry speaks fluent French. Someone, I think it was Andrew Card, made the comment that the "average American" would rather have a president they could sit down and have a cup of coffee and a cheeseburger with. According to them, Bush fits that mold better (the French don't drink coffee, apparently).

I don't particularly care if my President is someone I'd be friends with in normal life. Point of fact, I don't care if the guy is a raving son of a bitch, as he long as he looks out for the best interests of the American people, governs within the limits of the Constitution, and doesn't lie to us.

And in what alternate dimension does our current President qualify as an "average American?" He and Kerry have fairly similar elitist credentials, yet Bush's campaign staff is trying to spin the fact that since Kerry can string two sentences together and Bush can't, it somehow makes Bush "folksy." If this is an indication that Bush's reelection strategy is going to center on how that particular spoiled brat is "just like you and me," it's going to be one hell of a long summer.

They saved Hitler's libido

April is Hitler-iffic on Cinemax. First, a documentary that presents the groundbreaking hypothesis that Hitler's repressed homosexuality might have been a motivator for his campaign of violence aginst gays:

Nearly 60 years after his death, Adolf Hitler continues to hold a perverse fascination for the public, with more than 125,000 books about his deeds and dementia, and numerous films and TV shows seeking to uncover the hidden motives that may have fueled a madman. But could the Nazi dictator - who was responsible for one of the worst campaigns of anti-gay persecution in history -- have concealed one explosive secret? Could Adolf Hitler have been homosexual?

From the team of Fenton Bailey and Randy Barbato, THE HIDDEN FUHRER: DEBATING THE ENIGMA OF HITLER'S SEXUALITY examines the revelations about Hitler that were made in the best-selling book "The Hidden Hitler," by German historian Lothar Machtan by using recently discovered archival documents, rare footage and photos, and interviews with authors and experts who discuss Machtan's work.

As if there's any doubt. That SS look was hot hot hot.

Rumors about Hitler's sexuality have been around since before the end of the war. There's the one about how he died a virgin, even given his 11th hour marriage to Eva Braun, as well as the often floated gay allegations. I don't agree that such examination has no place in the historical record of WWII and the Third Reich. Researching the reasons behind Hitler's extermination of Jews, gypsies, and homosexuals isn't analagous to Usenet debates about Michael Stipe or Kevin Spacey, after all.

Having said that, I note with some trepidation that the show is produced by the same duo behind HBO's Shock Video and MTV's special on Plushies and Furries. I'll probably check it out, but I won't be surprised if The Hidden Fuhrer is more Hitler: The True Hollywood Story than the BBC's The Nazis.

More promising is Blind Spot:

In 1942, at the height of World War II, Adolf Hitler hired 22-year old Traudl Junge as his private secretary. At the time, the naive Junge viewed the Fuhrer as a surrogate father figure, a gentle man in private, who was nothing like the crazed rhetorician of his speeches. But as the Nazi regime teetered on the brink of destruction, Junge became a firsthand witness to Hitler's plunge into delusion, apathy and depression.

Speaking out for the first time after more than a half-century of silence, Junge sheds new light on the private life of Adolf Hitler.

Junge died a day after Blind Spot's premiere. Guess she had some things to get off her chest.

It's a doughnut, people

And I thought Hawaiians were smarter than this:

Hawaii residents love Krispy Kreme Doughnuts so much that they often stock up at a new store in Maui before boarding inter-island flights back home, overloading airline luggage bins along the way.

"The locals bring so many boxes of doughnuts on board that we can't always fit them on our flights. Some people will put five or six boxes in an overhead bin," says Mark Dunkerley, president of Hawaiian Airlines.

It's too bad Krispy Kreme didn't have a store in Montevideo, Uruguay back in 1972. That rugby team might not have had such a rough time in the Andes.

Something similar happened in Houston when Krispy Kreme opened its first store here a couple years ago. People stood in line for hours...HOURS...to get doughnuts.

I'm not much of a doughnut eater, and Krispy Kremes are okay, but the standing in line for food phenomenon is something I thought you reserved for bread in the Soviet Union or bags of flour when the latest UNICEF shipment came in. Maybe if kobe beef dropped to .89 a pound, or Jamaica Blue Mountain. But a doughnut?

Doughnut shops are sprinkled liberally across the Hawaiian islands. But the novelty of a major chain, combined with the widespread custom of "omiage," a Japanese word that refers to the custom of bringing gifts home to family and friends, have given rise to the commuter doughnut.

Far be it from me to denigrate another culture's mores, but you'll be welcomed a lot more warmly at my house if you're toting a six pack of St. Arnold's Amber. Save the doughnuts for your dumbassed co-workers.

Taking the punishment

So you don't have to.

Saw The Punisher at a midnight screening last night. The review, as always, is up on Film Threat (Top billing! Hurry!). Direct link here.

Short review: disappointing. Somewhat less short review: even more disappointing given the highly enjoyable ultra-violence at the end. I might've expected as much from one of the writers of Armageddon.

Thomas Jane is good. John Travolta is not. Rebecca "Don't Call Me Stamos" Romijn is completely unbelievable as a mousy waitress with a penchant for dating abusive assholes. And nobody can seem to decide if this is a serious revenge film or an occasionally smart-ass comic book movie. At the end, I found myself looking forward to a sequel that didn't have to bother with Frank Castle's origins or him getting all friendly with the neighbors. Given the distinct possibility that it's going to get decimated at the box office by Kill Bill Vol. 2 and bad reviews, I'm not holding my breath.

Zzzzzap!

Anybody remember that SNL skit from the late 1980's about the Gay Communist Gun Club? I was reading an article on CNN and I think I found their flag.

"We know President Bush doesn't support all the planks of the Gay Communist Gun Club's platform, but two out of three ain't bad."

The bong remains the same

Chuck continues his award winning coverage of goings-on in the Lone Star State by updating us on the City of New Braunfels' attempts to ban beer bongs on the Comal and Guadalupe Rivers (registration required for the article):

Council members have complained that inner-tubers use the bongs — a long hose with a funnel attached — to get drunk as quickly as possible, marring the family-friendly atmosphere the city strives to maintain on the rivers.

Okay, stop right there. Perhaps on the average Saturday afternoon in June or August there exists a sort of family-friendly atmpsphere, but on the big weekends - Memorial Day, Fourth of July, Labor Day - you can't swing a three-foot length of surgical tubing without hitting a drunk frat boy/biker/scoutmaster. I don't know why anyone would bother with the hassle of slogging out there and shouldering through the crowds unless they were going to partake as well.

Those are also the only times I've ever seen the great and terrible beer bong make an appearance on the rivers.

The state does not allow cities to regulate alcohol without the approval of the Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission, but [City Attorney Charlie] Zech said he thinks he can write an ordinance that will pass legal muster.
...
Debate at a meeting Tuesday night focused on a proposed requirement that beverages be drunk from their original factory container. But council members expressed concern that it would prevent people from making iced tea and bringing it along on a river float, or drinking wine, because glass containers already are banned.

Chuck already made the appropriate breast pump reference. It's really too bad they don't still make those 2-liter bottles of Sun Country wine coolers.

The Comal and Guadalupe rivers draw thousands of tourists who float on inner tubes and rafts during the summer.

Local officials have pumped hundreds of thousands of dollars a year into law enforcement and trash cleanups in an effort to control rowdy crowds.

That should just about square up with the hundreds of thousands of dollars pumped into the New Braunfels economy by tourists paying usurious rates for tube and cooler rentals and river cabins. And $4 for a bag of ice.

Feh. Beer bongs are pointless grandstanding unless you plan on doing three or more beers at once. The only time I've been impressed with a single beer bong was in college when a friend did one that originated on the roof of a nearby two story house....I swear the back of his neck bulged out. The rest, as Banky Edwards would say, is bullshit posturing. People really should learn how to a) chug or b) shotgun.

Or go to the Frio River instead. It's more of a haul, but the crowds are smaller, and unsavory types are unlikely to drag their asses practically to Del Rio for a one-day beer bash.

Present company excluded, of course.

Finally, a quote from the Houston Chronicle's story:

District 4 Councilwoman Valerie Hull said banning beer bongs would encourage families to use the rivers.

"I think if we took beer bongs off the rivers, more families would use the rivers," Hull said.

More families would probably come if you took the following off the rivers as well:

gang bangers
- Rebel flag flying rednecks
- high school reprobates
- college reunion gatherings
- cooler tubes
- bota bags
- Malrboro reds
- Macanudos
- Skoal Long Cut
- mullets
- guys with diving masks who claim to be snorkeling but are really just checking out the ass of every passing female
- "No Fat Chicks" t-shirts
- thongs
- Daisy Dukes
- morbidly obese individuals in size 'M' t-shirts
- morbidly obese individuals in size 'M' "No Fat Chicks" t-shirts
- ill-mannered dogs
- worse-mannered children
- Kenny Chesney songs
- those stupid jester hats

Seriously, if all you and your family want is to interact with people exactly like yourselves, why not just go tubing in Utah and be done with it?

"Girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot-oil wrestling, foxy boxing and such and such."

How to make the XFL look like the Premier League, in 10 easy steps:

LOS ANGELES, California (Hollywood Reporter) -- The company behind the Lingerie Bowl, in which near-naked women played full-contact football for a pay-per-view audience, is closing in on a deal with Fox Television Studios for a 10-episode reality TV show based on the concept.

The series will feature scrimmages and other behind-the-scenes activities of the female football players, while games played by teams of the Lingerie Football League, which was recently created and has been casting cheerleaders since Monday, will still be made available only via pay-per-view.

The LFL comes from Horizon Prods., the company behind the Lingerie Bowl, which coincided with the infamous Super Bowl halftime show that included Janet Jackson and has become known, somewhat ironically, for its sexuality.

Okay, confession time: I watched the Lingerie Bowl. We caught the Super Bowl at a friend's house with about 25 other people, and while the women checked out the official halftime show on one TV, we sad bastard males enjoyed the lingerie offering on another.

Of course, we were barely two minutes into the insightful postgame interviews ("Do you think you could run a post route better in a thong?") before the wives came rushing into the room, ordering us to change back to the Super Bowl and TiVo the infamous boob shot.

In order to spare you from checking it out for yourselves, let me just say that the Lingerie Bowl fulfilled my expectations as one of the biggest ripoffs ever (or would have, had we actually paid for it). The skill level was, as expected, something along the lines of playing smear the queer with your high school drill team. Calling the thing "Lingerie Bowl" was also a little misleading. Sure, the players were wearing panties and - I guess - bras (who could tell with a full set of shoulder pads?), but where were the teddies? The corsets? The baby dolls? If we want hot pants and little else, well, the NFL already has cheerleaders.

Predictably, Horizon president Mitch Mortaza has already thought this out:

Mortaza promises even more skin than last time.

"The uniforms are a lot sexier," he said. "The bottoms and tops are skimpier, and the shoulder pads are smaller."

The catastrophic failure of the XFL showed us all how receptive America is to bad football. I'm no expert on the market for hot women running into each other, dropping passes, and throwing five yards, but it seems to me the only way to guarantee an audience for this is to have them play naked. Honestly, with the options open to today's on-the-go deviant, who has time to waste on chicks whaling on each other if they're not even going to go topless? I can watch the Teri Hatcher-Charlize Theron catfight from 2 Days in the Valley if I want that.

Or we can all wait until Dynasty comes out on DVD.

Two liver minimum?

Apparently not. At least, not for Larry Hagman:

Former Dallas star Larry Hagman has requested doctors refrain from giving him a second liver transplant - because he's not afraid of dying. The 72-year-old star is reportedly experiencing life-threatening problems with the replacement liver he was given in 1995 but has no intentions of undergoing another operation. Brave Larry says, "I wouldn't have it even if it meant I had another 20 years. It doesn't scare me. You are going to die eventually anyway."

"Brave Larry" didn't feel this way when he leapfrogged to the head of the donor list in '95, in spite of the fact his new liver was a replacement for one ravaged by decades of systematic abuse. That's okay, though, because whoever got bumped down the list for Hagman was going to die eventually anyway, right?

Bravery is waiting your turn like your garden variety non-celebrity, even if it means you might drop dead. Hagman, Mickey Mantle, and David Crosby don't fit that bill.

Shit, they should take Crosby's back.

All you do to me is talk talk

So which press conference did you see? The one the conservatives seem to have tuned in, where President Bush showed such great resolve, and was sincere in his convictions and statements? Or maybe you saw the one I did, where Bush was at least resolved not to answer questions about the power hand-over at the end of June, and was sincerely confused when asked something that hadn't been scripted for him in advance.

What's with all the bitching about the "hostile" press corps? Perhaps if the President had held more than two prime time press conferences in the last 3 1/2 years, they wouldn't be all pissy. If you don't want to be asked potentially tough questions, don't hold a freaking press conference. Sit in the Oval Office with the flags wafting solemnly in the air conditioning and present your canned remarks without fear of rebuke. Which reminds me, who prepped him for this? Did he actually say, "Maybe I'm not as quick on my feet as I should be?" when asked about mistakes he might have made since 9-11? With all the second-guessing and criticism about Iraq recently, Rove and company couldn't see that one coming?

Bush also dodged a number of questions, most notably the repeated queries about who, exactly, we're handing control of the government over to in a little over 2 months, and refused to answer others (the one about why he and Cheney are testifying together). Repeating the phrase "war footing" a dozen times doesn't do it for me. Neither does rambling until you get tired of answering a particular question, then calling on someone else, or equating those who honestly disagree with your policies to terrorists.

And getting asked about the biggest mistake you've made and how you recovered from it is a question you'd get in a job interview (which is one way you could view this particular round of questioning, I suppose). Saying, "I can't recall any" makes you look, at best, like an idiot. At worst, you're a liar.

In either case, you probably aren't getting the job.