A Perfectly Cromulent Blog

"Are you saying 'boo' or 'Boo-urns?'"

What's that? A combination Simpsons quote/caption contest entry all at once? Excelsior!

(idea swiped from Norbizness)

Giuliani: Jeez, they're booing you, Dick. Maybe we shouldn't have flashed your picture on the Jumbotron.
Cheney: F*** you, Giuliani.

Thank you and good night.

No sex please, we're delegates

In preparation for this summer's Republican National Convention, the working girls of the Big Apple are girding their loins for action (so to speak). Courtesy of Metafilter:

With thousands of Republicans set to invade the city this summer, high-priced escorts and strippers are preparing for one grand old party.

Agencies are flying in extra call girls from around the globe to meet the expected demand during the Aug. 30-Sept. 2 gathering at Madison Square Garden.

"We have girls from London, Seattle, California, all coming in for that week," said a madam at a Manhattan escort service. "It's the week everyone wants to work."

If the strip club windfalls of the national Promise Keepers convention in DC a few years ago taught us anything, it's that mothing prepares a city for the family values crowd like bringing in out-of-town talent.

Charging from $300 to upwards of $1,000 for an hour of companionship and a whole lot more, escorts said they can always count on conventioneers for big business.

"It doesn't matter what party you come from," said Robyn Few, a $500-an-hour California call girl who now runs Sex Workers Outreach Project, an advocacy group. "When you want to buy sex, you will."

It is indeed true that any convention fills the coffers of the adult services industry. But it's so much more amusing to think about some guy who - after a long day applauding speeches about indecency on our airwaves and the moral decline of our once great nation - pays $1000 to a hooker for the privilege of tossing her salad while she's dressed like Hillary Clinton.

Oh shut up, you know it happens. And you know you've thought of it.

Clubs have started booking private parties for delegates anxious to ogle topless beauties after a day of watching fully clothed politicians boast about family values.

"We have our show down to a science," said Lonnie Hanover, a spokesman for Scores, the upscale topless club. "We'll be full every night with what we think are the best-looking girls in the industry."

Maybe it's me, but if your immediate reaction to listening to speeches about family values is an overwhelming need to go stick a few bills in "Serenity's" t-back, you might be in the wrong party.

Although I don't know a lot of Greens who can afford the $1000 an hour.

"He is our hero"

My wall-crawling write-up for Spider-Man 2 is now up at Film Threat. In it, I add my relatively puny voice to the overwhelming chorus of those singing its praises.

Oh please, like there's anything else to see this weekend.

I ain't much fer fancy book learnin'

Unfortunately, the same can pretty much be said for Texas high school students:

AUSTIN -- Two high school health textbooks that passed the initial state review process earlier this month now are being criticized for being so focused on abstinence that they fail to include state-mandated information on contraception.

The books, which will replace 11-year-old texts, were found by panels of educators and citizens to meet state curriculum standards, including one which requires students to "analyze the effectiveness and ineffectiveness of barrier protection and other contraceptive methods including the prevention of sexually transmitted diseases, keeping in mind the effectiveness of remaining abstinent until marriage."

But critics, including a member of the review panel, said that the books shouldn't have been approved. They plan to take their concerns to the State Board of Education, which will hold a public hearing July 14.

Because members of the Texas State Board of Education are reknowned for their reasoned and well-thought out decisions when it comes to putting the interests of Texas children ahead of the Christian right-wing organizations that funded their campaigns.

But back to our story:

For example, Holt, Rinehart and Winston's "Lifetime Health" lists 10 steps for students to protect themselves from sexually transmitted diseases. The use of latex condoms is not one of them. Students are advised, however, to get plenty of rest.

If textbooks are advocating abstinence to prevent STDs and not even discussing contraception, what could the other nine steps possible be? Sign of the cross? Mormon undergarments? Wearing mittens?

This would all appear to go against the "no child left behind" stance advocated by both our former and current Governors, as preaching abstinence to teenagers has proven notoriously ineffective in preventing the creation of new children.

But don't take my word for it:

Texas has the nation's highest teen birth rate, according to the National Vital Statistics Report, based on 2002 data.

We're #1! And that statistic nicely complements the tightening of Medicaid eligibility requirements for low-income pregnant women and cutting the budget for the Children's Health Insurance Program.

Cathie Adams, president of the Texas Eagle Forum, a self-described pro-family group, praised the publishers for consulting with interested organizations before submitting their books to the education agency. She said that abstinence-only for teens is "very much in keeping with policies from the White House, as well as policies that are wanted by parents."

And also those policies held in Narnia, Brigadoon, Never-Never Land, Whoville, the Keebler Elf tree, and a host of other fantasmagorical realms. Those of us who occupy this dimension could stand to be a little more realistic.

Suffering Sappho!

What are you doing reading this, when you should be out purchasing/shoplifting/swapping government secrets for Season 1 of Wonder Woman on DVD today?

Wonder Woman was the whole package, from her full-body diving suit to her amazing ability to snatch bazooka shells from the air. I never paid much attention to the comic book, but the TV show was hard to overlook. As the show went on, and I neared adolescence, certain other aspects of the show became more apparent. How much she was made to run, for instance, and the number of episodes in which she ended up bound and gagged. I was intrigued.

My father, never a big TV watcher, always made it a point to sit down with me each week for Wonder Woman. At the time, I foolishly assumed he was more interested in bonding with his young son than in the...ample attractions of the show's star. Nowadays, and being close to the age my father was during the late '70s, I know better. Come to think of it, he may have been the one who started me watching it in the first place.

Thanks, Dad.

UPDATE: In the interest of equal time for other '70s superheroines responsible for spurring pre-adolescent males like myself to impure thoughts, here's JoAnna Cameron as Isis:

I considered including Deidre Hall's Electra Woman, but blondes never really did it for me.

Sssssssucks

Once again, Hollywood's cup of crap runneth over (via Dark Horizons):

Ronny Yu is on board to direct the thriller "Snakes on a Plane" for New Line Cinema. Don Granger is producing. "Snakes" centers on a ruthless assassin who unleashes a crate full of lethal snakes aboard a packed passenger jet over the Pacific Ocean in order to eliminate a witness in protective custody. The rookie pilot and frightened passengers must band together to survive.

This is simply a "reimagining" of the 1974 TV-movie Fer-de-Lance, starring David Janssen. But oh, to have been a fly on the wall for that pitch meeting between the screenwriter (SW) and the producers (P1-3) for this one:

SW: It's like...Anaconda on a plane!
P1: I like it! It's edgy.
P2: And anacondas are the perfect killing machine, as Jon Voigt once said.
P3: Aren't anacondas kind of...big? How does he smuggle them on?
SW: Er, what I meant was, it's like Anaconda on a plane, only we'll use venomous snakes instead of constrictors.
P1: I like it!
P2: Asps. Very dangerous.
P3: Isn't it illegal to transport dangerous animals on a commercial flight?
SW: It could be.
P3: So...he smuggles them on?
SW: That's right.
P3: But not in his carry-on, obviously. And since they're illegal, he couldn't just stick them in the pet area. So that just leaves the cargo hold.
SW: Bingo.
P3: Which isn't pressurized.
SW: ...
P3 Which means they'd have no air. And would die.
SW: Look, they're in a sealed container with its own self-contained oxygen supply and a bunch of mice, and the container is disguised to look like a defibrillator so no one suspects a thing. Then the assassin fakes a heart attack so they have to bring the defibrillator up top and...blammo! It'll be big. Like, Baby Geniuses big.
P3: Why don't they just use the airplane defibrillator?
SW: What?
P3: Airplanes have a defibrillator in the fore cabin in case, you know, someone has a heart attack.
SW: Oh, well, the assassin disarms it.
P3: But...
SW: He's an expert at sabotage as well as a noted herpetologist.
P1: I love it!
P2: Snakes, why did it have to be snakes?

Ronny Yu cut his teeth directing Hong Kong actioners before making such classics as Warriors of Virtue - America's first look through the looking glass at the world of kanga-fu - Bride of Chucky, and Freddy vs. Jason, which I still haven't seen. Given FvsJ's decent box office, I have a hard time believing this was Yu's first choice for a follow-up.

But really...snakes? This is the best a supposedly "ruthless" assassin can come up with? How about a contact poison? Fishing test garrote? Spud gun? Why not wait until the target goes back to use the bathroom, then ambush him in the galley?

I also can't believe they'll stick with the title "Snakes on a Plane." Make a little effort, for crying out loud:

The Serpent and the Rotational Axis
Memphis Bushmaster
The Snake (Cock)Pit
Hangar of the White Worm
The Cobra: Airport 2004
Big Mamba's House
Flight of the Lancehead
Plains, Trains, and Acanthophis

See, it's not hard. Now you try.

"It's fiddler crab season!"

More vague FBI warnings, just in time for the height of summer tourism:

WASHINGTON (CNN) -- The FBI issued a warning last week for state and local authorities to be on the lookout for booby-trapped floating material in and around the nation's marinas, warning they could contain explosives.

A homeland security official told CNN on Sunday there is "no intelligence terrorists are planning to or want to do this."

The official continued, "This is simply a continuation of our ongoing pattern to keep the American public freaked out by issuing periodic statements of questionable intelligence value. And the hot new color for this summer will soon be orange, if you know what I'm saying.

"This is off the record, right?"

My relatively uninformed prediction, as one who will be hanging out at several of our nation's fine beaches and marinas in less than a week, is that you'll have more to fear from these "floating materials" than from an inner tube rigged with semtex:

In accordance with DHS recommendations, we're stocking up on vinegar and beer in the event of a coordinated and sustained jellyfish attack.

Remember the Titans

Because the Texas Longhorns sure will:

OMAHA, Neb. (AP) -- After struggling at the start of the season, Cal State Fullerton ended it in championship style.

Jason Windsor pitched a five-hitter, Kurt Suzuki's RBI single capped off a three-run seventh inning and Cal State Fullerton won the College World Series with a 3-2 victory over Texas on Sunday.

The Titans (47-22) won the best-of-three championship series 2-0 _ a surprising end to a season they started 15-16. The 22 losses are the most by a national champion since Stanford had 23 in 1988.

Don't remind me. I watched Fullerton's semifinal series with South Carolina last week and loudly opined that I would much prefer Texas face Cal State for the championship than the #2 seed Gamecocks. Teach me to open my big fat mouth.

Congratulations to the Titans, well played.

Bunch of California punks.

Don't Bogart that roach

Via Chuck, I see a Houston artifact of sorts could scuttle forth once more:

The giant neon cockroach glowed for 42 years and was a beacon for Southwest Freeway drivers. He glows no more.

Bubba, the 8-foot-tall, 16-foot-wide Holder's Pest Control roach, was taken down in April, but the sign could make a comeback.
...
In 1998, Holder's moved to a southwest Houston shopping center that would not allow the display of a mammoth insect, so Bubba stayed behind. He was eventually taken down, because of an ordinance that forbids a commercial sign when the company has left the premises. Bubba now spends his days in a Holder's warehouse.
...
But Holder's wants Bubba back in the spotlight, said Jen Boedecker, marketing coordinator at Copesan Services, a national alliance of pest control companies that includes Holder's.

A number of businesses, mostly restaurants, have tried to buy Bubba, but Copesan is interested only in leasing the sign as a form of advertising.

Here's Bubba (not sure of the guy's name in the foreground):

Houston has a pretty nice skyline, but outside that there's little of note to check out when navigating our extensive freeways. It'll be good to get one of our landmarks back, especially one so...representative of our city.

Or they could always put up a mosquito instead.

Up the Irish

I've truly been remiss in my useless BS reporting, since I haven't mentioned this yet:

Colin Farrell's rep as a ladies' man just got a big boost.

A full-frontal scene in the actor's upcoming movie, A Home at the End of the World, has been cut because audiences were purportedly distracted by Farrell's supposedly massive manhood.

Members of both sexes cheered at the unrobed Irishman during a test audience screening of the flick recently, disrupting what was supposed to be a poignant scene.

No commentary I could add to this would possibly be better than that of Ellen M., a denizen of the Film Threat Forums:

Big Irish dick... that pretty much describes Colin Farrell

Curious, actually, since Farrell described himself as suffering from "the Irish curse" regarding his manhood on The Daily Show.

"Scientists have proven that the Sasquatch, he is real"

I might have stayed in academics if I could've gotten my doctorate in cryptozoology. Luckily, my local newspaper keeps me up to date on the endless pursuit of the enigma that is Bigfoot:

J.E. "Smokey" Crabtree lives way down in the river bottoms of southwest Arkansas -- a remote land where aquamarine light filters through eerie forests, water moccasins slice S-trails through duckweed-filled swamps and mystery is a living, breathing, tangible thing. It's there that the welder-turned-author first heard the call of the wild.

"It screams out, kind of like elephants," Crabtree said of the giant apelike creature he believes prowls the soggy woods near his Fouke, Ark., home. "It's come to our place several times at night aggravating the animals."

Crabtree, 77, has written three books about the "Bigfoot" creature, one of which became the basis for the 1973 cinematic thriller The Legend of Boggy Creek. Crabtree's often found huge footprints in the mud, he said, and his son once discovered an 8-foot-tall simian tangled in a fence near his home.

On Saturday, Crabtree will detail his decades-long hunt for Bigfoot at the third annual "Southern Crypto Conference" at Conroe's Lone Star Expo Center. Other speakers will include Bob Gimlin, who collaborated in the 1967 filming of an alleged Bigfoot in California, and Houston musician Ken Gerhard, who has searched the Texas-Mexico border for the giant thunderbirds of Native American lore.

I can only imagine the melting pot of humanity that would attend something called the "Southern Crypto Conference." Mocking as I may sound, however, I think it would be wicked keen if - in addition to Houston's plagues of cockroaches, mosquitoes, and fire ants - I also had to contend with ape-men rooting through my garbage. Who needs video games when I can sit on my porch and take potshots at pterodactyls trying to make off with my family?

As for Crabtree's claims, I'll simply point out that rural Arkansas is still the only place I've ever seen flyers advertising a dwarf tossing event, and that was in 1983 (before it was appropriated by the mainstream). You guys are going to have to do better than the coelacanth if you want to escape the fringes of animal husbandry.

United we misunderstand

Citizens United wants the Federal Election Commission to investigate whether ads for Fahrenheit 9/11 violate campaign finance laws.

The Federal Election Commission might take months to issue a ruling on the complaint, making it unlikely the commission would act in time to affect the film's ad campaign. The two-hour documentary, which depicts President Bush as lazy and oblivious to warnings in summer 2001 that al-Qaida was poised to strike, opens nationwide on Friday.

The group Citizens United contended that commercials for "Fahrenheit 9/11" fall under federal campaign finance law. Regulations prohibit the use of corporate money to air ads identifying a presidential candidate in the 30 days before his party's nominating convention and the 60 days before the Nov. 2 election.

Bush will be nominated by the GOP during its New York convention Aug. 30-Sept. 2. Citizens United argued that "Fahrenheit 9/11" ads that identify Bush and are paid for with corporate money should be banned after July 31.

Someone needs to explain to Citizens United how movie advertising works. Fahrenheit 9/11 opens in wide release in 868 theaters June 25, the most ever for a documentary (by contrast, the film concerned "citizens" should actually be worried will further erode our national identity - White Chicks - expands to 2,726). There has been and will be a blitz of commercials for the film this weekend and for the next week or two, depending on how long Lions Gate can milk positive reviews. Then, as with 99% of films, they'll stop. By July 31, Fahrenheit 9/11 will probably be down to a third of the the screens that are showing it this weekend.

Figure it out, guys. All you're doing is increasing the movie's exposure which, if Michael Moore actually is the publicity whore he's been made out to be, is exactly what he wants. Do you think millions of people bought Nasty As They Wanna Be because 2 Live Crew was an erudite and thought-provoking hip hop group? Of course not, it was thanks to the Dade County Sheriff labeling the album "obscene." It's the same with the protests against The Last Temptation of Christ, or any CD with an "Explicit Lyrics" sticker. Let the movie come out, grind your teeth, and quit calling attention to it.

'Course, Citizens United is the same group running pro-Bush ads that feature Ronald Reagan's "Tear down this wall" and quotes from Bill Clinton. Someone should check with the FEC (and perhaps the Secret Service) about the legality of Presidential necrophilia.

Moore hasn't endorsed John Kerry, nor is he a member of the Democratic Party. About the best Citizens United can hope for at this point is that neither of these facts are likely to change.

UPDATE: My review of the film is up at Film Threat, if anyone's interested.

Van Hagar

Tim and Mudge checked out Van Halen at the Meadowlands Tuesday night. While I'm glad Eddie has fully recovered from his cancer and Gary Cherone has been booted to the Neutral Zone of Rock where he forever belongs, I must take issue with one of Mudge's statements:

Van Halen is back together, featuring Sammy Hagar once again at lead vocal

Stop right there, Bwana. Hagar is a capable singer, and belonged in VH more than Cherone ever did, but the only way I'm ever going to consider Van Halen "back together" is when Diamond David Lee Roth leads them once again. I realize the odds of a Roth-enabled Van Halen - given the planetoid sized egos of both Dave and Eddie - are long indeed, but anything else, in my opinion, is inferior product.

Glad y'all had a good time, though.

Stormy weather

I really shouldn't bitch, what with the Western U.S. suffering its worst drought since they started keeping records of such things, but man is it raining a lot around here. Today's the third straight day of storms, which are now projected to continue into the weekend.

Not like the city is always covered with a thin veneer of mildew in the first place. What a glorious time early summer in Houston is.

We're already 15" ahead of our usual annual total (average is around 46"), and this is shaping up to be the, uh, 6th wettest June since 1882. We've got 12.19 inches this month so far (June of 2001, The Year of Allison, saw over 19 inches).

I generally have to water the lawn about three or four times a year, usually in July, when the weather patterns settle into the normal Houston patterns of hot, really hot, and "Jesus Christ is it hot." If this keeps up, the trusty sprinkler might continue its lonely exile in the garage, right next to that candleabra I was going to clean up in 2002, and my rapidly decaying heavy bag.

What, no Odin?

I mean, "12 O'Clock High" was the highlight of The Decline of Western Civilization Part II: The Metal Years.

Anyway, the AFI, in yet another desperate bid to justify its existence, recently put out a list of the top 100 songs from U.S. films. "Over the Rainbow," from The Wizard of Oz, came in at #1.

What was the motivation? Let's hear from the institute's director (quoted in this story):

"A list like this really drives people back to rediscover or discover these movies," said Jean Picker Firstenburg, the institute's director. "It's about older generations revisiting them and younger generations finding them for the first time."

This ought to be good. The entire list can be found here. I have neither the time nor the inclination to reproduce it, but how could I avoid a little selective bitching?

96. "Footloose," Footloose, 1984 - Jesus...only #96 and they're already scraping, though heaven knows when I hear "Footloose" on the local 80s station I'm driven to rediscover Kevin Bacon's body double practicing gymkata on a bunch of farm equipment.

94. "Ain't Too Proud to Beg," The Big Chill, 1983 - Nothing captures the malaise of sell-out hippie scum like the Temptations. One of the many films on perma-ban from my house.

89. "Puttin' on the Ritz," Young Frankenstein, 1974 - A true classic, though not as funny as "Lose Yourself" by Eminem (#93).

86. "(I've Had) The Time of My Life," Dirty Dancing, 1987 - While there are any number of reasons to loathe this anachronistic piece of crap (the Swayze connection, being forced to see the movie by my then girlfriend), nothing is more obnoxious than a song with a clause in parentheses. Let me tell you, (I've Had) visions of dropping Bill Medley and Jennifer Warnes in a shark tank, Open Water style.

79. "Arthur's Theme (Best That You Can Do)," Arthur, 1981 - The prosecution rests. Funny they couldn't find any songs from Arthur 2: Alcoholics Are No Longer Amusing For Some Reason.

74. "Rainbow Connection," The Muppet Movie, 1979 - Forgivable schmaltz, given the overall excellence of the movie (as best my 10-year old self could determine, anyway).

67. "Nobody Does it Better," The Spy Who Loved Me, 1977 - Except maybe Shirley Bassey, Tom Jones, and yes, even Wings.

53. "Goldfinger," Goldfinger, 1964 - Whew. That's better.

50. "Rock Around the Clock," Blackboard Jungle, 1955 - I have nothing against Bill Haley (aside from the overplaying of his song), I just think it's funny how dated this movie is. "A shock story of today's high school hoodlums!" indeed.

44. "Wind Beneath My Wings," Beaches, 1988 - Wow, from "The Rose" to this in less than ten years. Somewhat less than divine, Ms. M.

38. "Theme from Shaft," Shaft, 1979 - In addition to its overwhelming badassedness, the "Theme from Shaft" made me lament, for the first (but not the last) time, my inherent lack of coolness. If they made a movie of my life right now, I think my theme song would probably be something by Rick Astley.

29. "Born to Be Wild," Easy Rider, 1969 - Any counterculture cred Steppenwolf once had melted away the first time they played this at Astroworld.

27. "Unchained Melody," Ghost, 1990 - The Swayze factor again. Where's "Take My Breath Away?" "Against All Odds?"

22. "Everbody's Talkin'," Midnight Cowboy, 1969 - Nothing to say about this one. Great song.

20. "Somewhere," West Side Story, 1961 - There should at least be some mention of the song of the same title from An American Tail. Mice singing? Never fails.

17. "I Could Have Danced All Night," My Fair Lady, 1964 - My dirty little secret is out: I'm incapable of saying anything negative about My Fair Lady.

14. "My Heart Will Go On," Titanic, 1997 - Hearing this in a Greek restaurant in Dublin gave me comfort that the world really can be united, even if it is by overwhelming histrionics masquerading as music.

9. "Stayin' Alive," Saturday Night Fever, 1977 - If you must include the Bee Gees on your list, at least make it something from the movie Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band, which was thematically truer to the Faustian bargain they struck for their success.

For the last word, let's go back to Jennifer Warnes, who has two songs on the list:

"The reason why my songs made it there is that they're used. I still hear `Up Where we Belong' when I'm at the store buying frozen peas, and it makes me happier to be buying frozen peas."

It wouldn't have anything to do with the cash register sound playing in your head at the same time, would it?

UPDATE: I can't imagine trying to come up with 100 songs, but if I did, these would be on there:

"Holiday Road" from National Lampoon's Vacation
"Let's Have a War" from Repo Man
anything from South Park: Bigger, Longer, Uncut

I'd include "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life" from Life of Brian, but they sorta fail the "American" criterion.

More as I think of them. Maybe. Or maybe I'll just move on to something else.

The temperature at which film criticism catches fire...and burns

An update on the Fahrenheit 9/11 ratings debate, courtesy of Dark Horizons (APCB is not responsible for cutesy industry abbreviations):

"The battle over the rating on Michael Moore's doc still rages on. Today the "Fahrenheit" camp will appeal the R rating the docu received from the Motion Picture Assn. of America earlier this month "for violence, disturbing images and language." Moore did not make any changes to the pic for today's appeals screening. Instead, Lions Gate prexy Tom Ortenberg, who will rep the pic at the appeal, will make the case that the doc will contribute to the national political debate and therefore should be available to the widest audience possible..."

I saw Fahrenheit 9/11 yesterday, and I personally don't have a problem with giving it an 'R.' I don't know if the number of f-bombs lobbed exceed the MPAA's arbitrary limit, but I'm pretty sure footage of a public beheading in Saudi Arabia and uncensored film of Iraqi mobs pulling the burned bodies of U.S. soldiers from vehicles and dragging the corpses through the streets would warrant an 'R' for just about anyone else.

Moore should cut his losses with this one. The only people who will suffer from missing out on this "national political debate" are kids aged 16 and younger, who - last I checked - can't vote in the first place. And it isn't like they've historically had trouble sneaking in to "adult" films when the mood strikes, anyway.

Giving this film an 'R' rating isn't going to make any difference in Fahrenheit 9/11's box office; it's going to be huge. The Moore faithful will be there opening day, and the avalanche of publicity surrounding the film will draw in the curious. I'm dreading writing the review because (and even more so than with any of my other write-ups) nobody's going to care. Moore has polarized moviegoing audiences to such an extent that people made up their minds to see/avoid this film months ago.

Including Ray Bradbury.

If I may be allowed to channel Dan Savage for a minute

I'd tell most couples out there that going to sex clubs is one of those things - like how many kids you want and where you want to end up living - that you should probably talk about before getting married:

CHICAGO, Illinois (CNN) -- The ex-wife of Jack Ryan, the Republican candidate for the U.S. Senate in Illinois, alleged in court papers filed in 2000 that he took her to sex clubs and asked her to engage in sexual activity in front of other patrons. ... At a news conference Monday, Ryan reiterated the denial he made in his initial legal response to the charges by TV actress Jeri Lynn Ryan, in which he called the allegations "ridiculous" and "smut" and insisted he was "faithful and loyal to my wife throughout our marriage."

That may very well be, but Ryan's in the wrong party and the wrong state for those kind of shenanigans. Grumbling has already begun among Illinois Republicans that he needs to withdraw, and even the Washington Times describes him as "badly trailing" Democratic opponent Barack Obama in recent polls.

If all this was consensual, I'd agree with both Ryan and Obama that the issue isn't really relevant to the campaign. Sexual peccadilloes, provided they don't involve minors, lack of consent, or (I guess) corpses don't have a lot of bearing on someone's ability to govern, so if two adults want to get their freak on in public, what's the big deal?

Problem is, it doesn't sound like both parties were equally enthusiastic:

Jeri Ryan said her then-husband took her on three "surprise trips" in the spring of 1998 to New Orleans, New York and Paris, during which he took her to sex clubs. She said she refused to go in the first and went into the second at his insistence.

"It was a bizarre club with cages, whips and other apparatus hanging from the ceiling," she said in the court document, adding that her husband "wanted me to have sex with him there, with another couple watching. I refused."

She said on arriving at the third club, in Paris, "people were having sex everywhere. I cried. I was physically ill. [He] became very upset with me and said it was not a 'turn on' for me to cry."

"Stop that blubbering, she-devil! A man has needs, after all, and who are you to impede my biological imperative to nail 7 of 9 in front of a bunch of leering, Gallic perverts?"

These days, I suspect the fact he was in France might be more damaging to his reputation than the sex club stuff. And of course, he's telling a different story:

In his legal response to her allegations, Jack Ryan said while he did arrange "romantic getaways" for the couple, they "did not include the type of activities she describes."

"We did go to one avant garde nightclub in Paris, which was more than either one of us felt comfortable with. We left and vowed never to return," he said.

Those were heady days...Meet Joe Black changed everyone's conceptions of what love could be, while our own Commander in Chief's behavior opened a whole new vista of carnal possibilties. Can you really blame the guy for getting caught up in the whole cultural zeitgeist?

Ryan said he believes voters will not hold the allegations against him.

"I think that when voters look into their hearts and minds and say, 'Can we trust this fellow Jack Ryan, or does he try to do the best he can, or is he in this job for the right reasons?' I think they'll see that same sincerity to try do the right thing, though knowing that in the end that I am human and I do fail."

"And besides," he added, "Look at the rack on her. I mean, who wouldn't want to hit that? Am I right?"

Ryan then proceeded to exchange high fives with several reporters.

It's gonna take a Lot of love

Watched TNT's adaptation of 'salem's Lot tonight (and last night, seeing as how it was a two-parter and all). In a word: disappointing. It didn't bother me that they altered Matt Burke's character, or rolled Jimmy Cody up with wozname from the gas company who was porking Sandy McDougal and that the McDougals were blackmailing him, or that Larry Crockett was diddling his daughter (I did read that right, didn't I?), or even that Mark Petrie was basically John Connor from T2. No, I was bummed at how abbreviated the whole thing was.

Time constraints being what they are, I understand the necessity of combining certain story elements and dropping others, but I still consider 'salem's Lot to be a great horror novel, and this is the second time it's gotten short shrift in the two-part TV miniseries department.

Worse, maybe, is how un-scary it turned out to be. Donald Sutherland was a bit too cartoony for Straker - maybe I'm remembering James Mason too fondly, but Sutherland is now 0-fer when it comes to vampire flicks. And Rutger Hauer might have imbued Barlow with sufficient dread if he'd gotten more than, oh, ten minutes of screen time. Too many of the creepier moments were lifted straight from the original miniseries (the Glick brothers in the woods, and Ralphie scratching the glass), and of all the changes I didn't feel it was necessary to make Ben's discovery of the Marstens and his resulting psychological problems a centerpiece. Sometimes, vampires are just vampires, you know?

As with most of King's works, I think it'd be necessary to give 'salem's Lot the full miniseries treatment in order to do it justice. I'm a fan mostly of his earlier stuff (how indie rock of me), and I thought The Stand worked better over multiple nights.

Of course, they both started Rob Lowe...

I better watch it or someone's going to make a TV series out of St. Elmo's Fire.

"I always wondered about Jesse's collection of little shoes."

Former KSEV talk show host entered a plea agreement with Fort Bend County prosecutors today on a charge of indecency with a child:

RICHMOND -- Former radio talk show host Jon Matthews pleaded guilty today to a charge of indecency with a child in a plea agreement with prosecutors.

Matthews, 59, who resigned from his position at KSEV-AM 700 last year, was to go to trial June 28 but decided to accept the agreement after rejecting it last week, said Fort Bend County District Attorney John Healey.
...
According to court documents, Matthews is to be placed on deferred adjudication for seven years.
...
He was indicted Nov. 11 on a charge alleging that he had exposed himself to an 11-year-old girl at his home on Oct. 9. He was arrested two days later and released on $10,000 bail.

The conservative talk show host resigned from his position at KSEV-AM 700, where he had a program on weekday mornings, and also stopped writing a column for the weekly Fort Bend Star.

Matthews was beyond conservative. His show featured the same self-indulgent windbaggery and reactionary bombast which makes 99% of AM talk radio such a joke. I didn't comment on the early stages of the case, because I figured the guy would eventually get his day in court and everything would get sorted out. He did, and it has. We can now comfortably hold Matthews up as another Hicks-ian example of those who rant and rave about "family values" and the danger posed to our country by "liberals" as often being the ones with the most to hide.

Deferred adjudication sure beats the 2 to 10 in prison he was looking at (where I'm told child predators are a big hit). As for the chances of Jon Matthews - Sex Offender getting another radio job, I wouldn't hold my breath.

Cover your ears

We've talked about cover songs here before. To sum up; I think they can have merit, provided the artist brings something new to the equation and doesn't just engage in a straight reinterpretation.

The sole exception to this, in any form and at any time, is Duran Duran.

Sure, I've been aware of their version of the Temptations' "Ball of Confusion" for some time, but wrote it off as poor judgement. "The Crystal Ship?" Doors songs are sufficiently unironic that any cover is justified, frankly. What about "White Lines" by Grandmaster Flash? Okay, that one was utterly horrible. But they can't all be bad, right? Certainly D2 had some luck playing around with someone else's songs, yes?

Nope. The sadist programming the internet radio station I've been listening to has subjected me not only to Le Bon and company's rising gorge rendition of "911 is a Joke," but also "Lay Lady Lay" - barely acceptable for human consumption in the first place - and "Foxy Lady." "Foxy Lady?!?!" What numbnuts at the Department of All That is Holy fell asleep at the switch and allowed that out of tune meatball and his gang of shoulder pad-wearing pretty boys to cover...well, anything by Jimi Hendrix?

And I'll never understand why they play these songs live, when no one is poised in the booth to modulate Simon's voice to keep him from veering into first round American Idol territory, as he is wont to do.

They've also, among others, apparently recorded a version of Zeppelin's "Thank You," which I've never heard. And personally, I'd like to thank whatever cyclopean horror rules the universe for that.

Understatement, thy name is law enforcement

The CNN link reads: "Police: Bodies in lake 'suspicious'"

Suspicious? What makes them say that?

PLEASANT PRAIRIE, Wisconsin (AP) -- A father and two sons missing from Chicago for more than a month were identified Sunday as the bodies that washed ashore on Lake Michigan bound together by nylon rope and tied to bags filled with sand.

Must be the nylon. Wisconsin murderers typically use hemp rope. And cinderblocks.

Lame jokes aside, and as Tim points out in the comments, it's a horrible story.

Won't be the last

Terrorists in Iraq are threatening to behead a South Korean hostage. And I have a feeling they're going to stick with this modus operandi for quite some time:

The South Korean Foreign Ministry confirmed that the man shown in the videotape is Kim Sun-il, 33, who works for a trading company. It was not known when or how he was taken hostage.

The Foreign Ministry planned an emergency meeting Monday morning to discuss Seoul's reaction to the development and steps to take toward Kim's release.

Paul Johnson. Nick Berg. Daniel Pearl. We remember their names not just because of the brutality of their deaths, but because they were singular executions. The terrorists have probably figured out that the headline "7 killed in truck bomb" doesn't resonate as much with the American public, especially the TV news-viewing American public, because they rarely reveal the names of those killed. With a single kidnapping/murder, the victim's name, history, and family members are paraded in front of a worldwide audience. It's more horrifying to us to know them on that heightened level of intimacy.

Of course, we're talking about Americans, who can become desensitized to just about anything given enough time. Time will tell if we'll grow numb to pictures of severed heads before the terrorists grow tired of taking them.

The least dangerous prey

So my review of The Hunting of the President is up at Film Threat right now (no sign of my write-up of The Terminal, however). The film actually premiered at SXSW (which is where I caught it), but it's getting a limited release this weekend. Combine that with other Clinton goodies like his upcoming 60 Minutes interview and the release of his book, and soon we'll truly be partying like it's 1999.

On a side note, I backtracked a Google search from one of my referrals and found an excerpt of one of my reviews (Shrek 2) in - I think - Romanian:

A film betétdalai az egyedül említésre méltók, leginkább azért, mert a minoségi zene jelenléte különösen idegesítové teszi az alkotást. Nick Cave, Tom Waits, Pete Yorn és a The Eel számokat hallasz, közben magadban önkéntelenül is felteszed a kérdést: ha képesek voltak egy ilyen jó zenei anyagot összegyujteni, akkor minek raktak össze egy csapat cinikus, lusta rajzfilmszereplot egy elcsépelt morális mondanivaló közvetítésére?

And listed on the same page as Salon's Stephanie Zacharek and Peter Travers of Rolling Stone? My ascension to Hasselhoffian levels of overseas movie critic popularity is imminent.

This isn't the blog you're looking for

Yes, you. The one googling for naked pics of the mom of the 4-year old who got bulldozed at the Rangers game.

Did I miss the extended video clip where she dropped her pants in the stands or something?

"This is the Big One, Elizabeth!"

That Madonna:

Madonna Louise Veronica Ciccone has a message for the world: "Call me Esther."

Madonna, after all, isn't exactly kosher if you're into Kabbalah. So the Material Girl has claimed the Hebrew name of Esther.

This announcement comes in the middle of her Re-Invention tour and just days before the release of her third children's book. Her latest, Yakov and the Seven Thieves (Callaway, $19.95), hits bookstores on Monday.

"Just days," eh? Good timing. Still, it beats Scientology.

In an interview to air Friday night on ABC's 20/20, Madonna/Esther talks about her faith, adding that although she was named after her mother (who died when she was young), the superstar isn't dishonoring her memory with the name change.

"I wanted to attach myself to the energy of a different name," she says in the interview.

That's a good idea, and since I can't claim any expertise on centuries-old Jewish mysticism, I'm attaching her new name to the energy of TV's classic Sanford and Son.

Madonna can still be "Esther," or "Aunt Esther," as she'll come to be known.
Husband Guy Ritchie is "Fred."
Family friend Rosie O'Donnell will be "Lamont."
Their daughter Lourdes now goes by "Grady."
Rocco is "Julio."
Someone will also have to get a goat for the family and name it "Chico."

There'll be hijinx galore as we see repeated clips on Entertainment Tonight of Guy shaking his fist at Rosie and calling her a "big dummy."

Putting a boot in your wallet

How can I believe in a just and ordered universe when I see things like this?

Judas Priest - Sunday, August 8, 2004, 5:00 PM
Uncovered reserve: $29.50
Lawn seating: $15.00

Toby Keith
Friday, August 13, 2004, 7:30 PM
Uncovered reserve: $60.75
Lawn seating: $28.75

The grandfathers of metal barely commanding half the prices of that mouth-breathing homonculus? And even when you have a chance to play the home version of Heavy Metal Parking Lot?

The only way I'm paying $30 for lawn seats is if it's actually Toby Keith's lawn, and I can bring a lot of dogs with distressed bowels.

Ball hog

Texas Rangers fans must be more polite than most people, because I can think of about a dozen parks where a guy would've been given an Altamont-style ass whomping for swiping a foul ball from a four-year old:

A man sitting behind Nick O'Brien at a Texas Rangers baseball game Sunday knocked the boy against the seats as he dived to get a foul ball. Fans started chanting "Give him the ball!" but the man wouldn't give it up.

"I couldn't believe someone would do something like that to a 4-year-old boy," said Nick's mother, Edie O'Brien.

I'm sure Steve Bartman could give the guy some pointers on the best time not to go after a foul ball.

Nick's cleaning up pretty well though.

Meanwhile, the Rangers and the St. Louis Cardinals quickly made sure Nick got souvenirs of his own — two bats and four baseballs, including one signed by Hall of Fame pitcher Nolan Ryan, a former Ranger.

Cardinals outfielder Reggie Sanders came out between innings to give Nick a bat and ball. "In my heart, I thought I should do something," said Sanders. "It's all about the kids."

Mrs. Lovejoy-isms aside, it's pretty cool that both teams coughed up some shwag for the kid. Still, some gifts are less welcome than others:

On "Good Morning America," host Charles Gibson gave the O'Briens more souvenirs Wednesday — this time from the New York Mets. The family got tickets to Wednesday night's game against the Cleveland Indians.

Gee, thanks Chuck. Mets-Indians tickets? What, the Metrostars weren't playing?

I prefer to think of it as "wanting the best for my child"

What follows is a brief excerpt from a conversation with The Wife before last night's screening of The Terminal:

TW: We may want to think about getting one of those filtration units you put on the faucet.
Pete: Oh?
TW: It would save us a lot of money on bottled water, and since we're using it to make the baby's formula...
Pete: You can't be serious.
TW: What?
Pete: We're toughening that kid up. Just think, if she can survive her formative years living on Houston's tap water, she'll be able to digest anything.
TW: I see.
Pete: Even better, think about all the strange chemicals and substances she's coming in contact with. They could be affecting her in ways we can't even imagine. She could be a, a...
TW: A Super Baby?
Pete: Exactly. Who are we to deny our daughter her heroic destiny?
TW: So...you'll be getting a filtration unit this weekend?
Pete: Yes dear.

Which is how a depressing number of our conversations end, it seems.

But...Kerry looks French

Commission reports "no credible evidence" that al-Qaeda and Iraq cooperated in 9/11 attacks on United States:

The commission investigating the Sept. 11 attacks reported Wednesday that Osama bin Laden met with a top Iraqi official in 1994 but found "no credible evidence" of a link between Iraq and al-Qaida in attacks against the United States.

In a report based on research and interviews by the commission staff, the panel said that bin Laden explored possible cooperation with Saddam even though he opposed the Iraqi leader's secular regime.

A senior Iraqi intelligence official reportedly met with bin Laden in 1994 in Sudan, the panel found, and bin Laden "is said to have requested space to establish training camps, as well as assistance in procuring weapons, but Iraq apparently never responded."
...
The panel's findings appear to contradict Vice President Dick Cheney's assertion Monday that Saddam had "long-established ties" with al-Qaida.

Cheney wasn't the only one asserting that.

And does anyone who insists on equating people critical of the Iraq War with terrorists ever stop to consider that it was the war that allowed al-Qaeda a foothold in the country in the first place?

"We're predicting an end to crime in Old Detroit in 30 days"

But not right away. Countdown's at T minus 2 minutes for post-NBA Finals rioting.

UPDATE: How disappointing, most everyone seemed to behave themselves. Hopefully they'll regain their composure by the time the Red Wings win their next Stanley Cup.

These Reagan tributes are getting out of hand

This story sort of throws that "USDA Approved" label into an unflattering light:

French fries may be the bane of low-carb diets and obesity foes, but the U.S. Department of Agriculture and a federal judge in Texas have another name for the popular food: fresh vegetable.

U.S. District Judge Richard Schell last week endorsed little-noticed changes by the USDA to federal regulations that govern what defines a fresh vegetable. The changes were made at the behest of the french-fry industry, which has spent the past five decades pushing for revisions to the Perishable Agricultural Commodities Act.

Known as PACA, the law was passed by Congress in 1930 to protect fruit and vegetable farmers in the event that their customers went out of business without paying for their produce.

Under an obscure USDA rule, most frozen french fries have been considered fresh vegetables since 1996. Now they all are, under a revision last year that added batter-coated, frozen french fries to the list of fresh produce.

Seems to me that "fresh produce" could be largely defined as something you found in the...I don't know...fresh produce section of your grocery store. Sure, it would need some tweaking to keep out things like beets and those shortcakes they sometimes sell with the strawberries, but it would effectively keep out crap like Ore-Ida Deep Fried Arterial Bombs Crinkle Fries.

It's fitting, perhaps (and maybe a little suspect), that all this hits the fan less than a week after Reagan's funeral:

The french-fry rule calls to mind the USDA's attempt in 1981 to classify ketchup and pickle relish as vegetables, an idea that was dropped amid public protests.

Good times. This latest ruling almost blew it out of the water, though:

Though a USDA news release announcing the revision says caramel-coated apples also will be considered fresh fruit under the Batter-Coating Rule, officials say the gooey treats would not be included because coating it changes the character of the fruit and makes it a candy.

Frying and battering potato strips, however, does not change the character of a potato, they argued.

Meir Stampfer, a professor of nutrition at the Harvard School of Public Health, said it "boggles the mind" that the USDA would label french fries a fresh vegetable because most commercial fries are fried in oil laden with heart-clogging trans fat.

I don't know that potatoes should be included as a vegetable, period. Nobody eats a potato with nothing on it, baked or not. They're merely delivery systems for sour cream and bacon bits. There's always chili or chopped beef, as well. When completing other dishes, they're covered in cheese ("That's a quality side") or butter. Reliance on the spud almost wiped out the Irish, and to this day the best use I've found for one is as a projectile.

It's too late for Dan Quayle, but maybe we'd all be better off if the tater was banned forever.

TV party tonight

If you don't have HBO, little of what follows will make any sense.

The season finale of The Sopranos went unmentioned here, partly because we have at least 18 months to discuss the ramifications of Johnny Sack's arrest and Adriana's, er, "whacking." Like many, I was annoyed by the dream episode, and I can't have been the only one who knew the Tony B. storyline was going to end badly the minute Buscemi appeared on screen.

All of that is just prologue, however. The end of Season 6 will see the majority of Tony's crew dead or behind bars, I imagine. It'd be a nice twist if Silvio turned out to be a rat as well and actually didn't kill Adriana, and the two of them brought everyone else down. I like Sil, but only as much as you can get behind a character shown stomping a guy's nuts and beating up a stripper. You don't really root for the characters in The Sopranos, you just want to see who gets killed/arrested/kneecapped next.

The lack of sympathy is also something of a problem in Deadwood, which wrapped up its season last Sunday. I freely admit that I consider Ian McShane's Al Swearengen to be the best character on TV right now. The fact that he's also a murdering drug dealer who runs a whorehouse tends to temper one's enthusiasm, depending on your opinion of such things. His odd sense of honor helps to mitigate his less savory aspects, however.

Deadwood's season finale was pretty satisfying, even if Bullock becoming sheriff was about as surprising as the Lakers whining about the officiating in Game 4. You know, people say I have anger issues, but I've never administered as satisfying a beatdown as Bullock laid on Alma's dad. There was a second there, after he walked out into the street, I thought he was just going to shoot everyone around him in the face. Maybe doing the deed with Alma will calm him down some.

And thank Jebus they killed off that damn preacher. If someone would just feed Farnham to the pigs, I'd be a happy man.

Six Feet Under started up again this week. Does anyone remember when this was billed as a black comedy? Little of that spirit seems to remain, as the end of last season (and the first episode of this one) dealt primarily with Lisa's death and Nate's steady descent into self-destruction. Funny shit. At least the possibility of Federico continuing to visit the adultery well has some humorous possibilities.

Finally, more good news for fans of The Wire, as Dennis Lehane (Mystic River) and Richard Price (Clockers) are both slated to write episodes for Season 3. George Pelecanos, who also wrote in Season 2, will be returning as well.

East Texas Toodle-Oo

The Brazos Valley Coalition for Life, strangely unsuccessful in its attempts to shut down Planned Parenthood clinics in Bryan and Houston, is moving its traveling menagerie of disinformation to Lufkin in order to better harass the people patronizing the clinic there.

Trouble is, it doesn't sound much like the people of Lufkin want them around. The Lufkin Daily News out and out called Bereit's threat to publish the names and addresses of Planned Parenthood of Houston and Southeast Texas supporters "blackmail," and encouraged readers to donate to PPHSET in response. Now Bereit is trying to make it sound like the oppressed fundamentalists of East Texas require the BVCL's intervention to quash the sinister menace of low cost gynecological care and sex education.

My favorite quote, from the ensuing media coverage, has to be from this editorial:

We wonder how Mr. Bereit can ignore, not only the irony, but the hypocrisy of this situation.

He and his group wish to exercise their right to free speech and the freedom to assemble in order to prevent others from doing so.

Abortion counseling is not abortion. Neither is sex education a career guide for prostitution.

Mr. Bereit's assertion that Planned Parenthood's sex education programs encourage promiscuity and sexual experimentation is as devoid of logic as the assertion that mentioning abortion encourages it.

And the idea that women are so easily led that any talk of contraceptives and abortion will inspire them to promiscuity and to terminate their child's life is not only laughable, it is insulting.

Emphasis mine. Bereit isn't ignoring the hypocrisy; in his mind (and in the minds of all such Crusaders), he's the only one standing between these wholesome, apple-cheeked women and the diabolical fiends at Planned Parenthood who would steer them into no good.

The above article is from that notoriously liberal rag, the Lufkin Daily Sentinel, by the way.

"China is here, Mr. Burton."

Throwing a bunch of guys together in the woods with excessive amounts of beer and red meat (and no moral compass save the radio station playing a "Van Halen Weekend") leads to an almost transcendent state of awareness. In it, one can see truths nomally veiled from human eyes, and discern patterns and themes of existence not readily apparent to even the most gifted of seers. This can be the only explanation for the genius of the Lo Pan Theory (no relation to the Low End Theory by A Tribe Called Quest).

I'm fairly sure it was our representative from San Diego who detailed the simple way in which any movie could be improved, and that's by including the villain from John Carpenter's Big Trouble in Little China - David Lo Pan - in every film ever made. The Godfather? Lo Pan would chew up Sonny and Michael Corleone. Saving Private Ryan? Even those P-51s at the end couldn't have driven off Lo Pan. Steel Magnolias? Yes. God yes.

And the beautiful thing about the LPT is it doesn't only apply to movies, but all walks of life. Need to impress a girl on that all-important first date? Bring along Lo Pan. Worried about the big bowling tournament coming up? Having Lo Pan in your corner might help clean up that spare. Running for public office? I can't think of a better campaign manager than Lo Pan.

That, along with setting lots of crap on fire and losing my ass in poker, is how I spent my weekend.

Riddick-ulous

Okay, not really. The truth is, I actually liked The Chronicles of Riddick (click to read my review).

Garfield, on the other hand...the review's not up yet, but let's just say we have another contender for worst movie of the year.

No other updates today, since I am - as the kids say - outta here.

UPDATE: Garfield review's up. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Does the Geneva Convention apply to this?

A new kind of torture is being inflicted upon our troops in Iraq:

BAGHDAD, Iraq - More than 500 soldiers, sailors, Marines and airmen crowded around a stage at a U.S. installation to hear country star Toby Keith and 1970s rocker Ted Nugent.

"You guys are doing a great job over here," Nugent told the audience Saturday.

It was one of several stops in Iraq (news - web sites) for the pair, who are visiting Iraq as part of a USO tour.

They had previously performed for U.S. service members in Kosovo, Germany and Italy.

As if the soldiers' morale wasn't bad enough.

One from column A, one from column B, and your choice of soup

I think my favorite part of this story is when they refer to Jolie as a "busty actress:"

Tomb Raider star Angelina Jolie is desperate to fulfill her dream of creating a multi-cultural family of adopted children. The busty actress recently went on a goodwill mission to Russia - where she met with adoption officials and visited orphaned Chechen refugees - to improve her chances of obtaining a Russian child. The gorgeous 29-year-old already has one adopted tot - Cambodian orphan Maddox, who became a member of her family in March 2002. A family friend tells website Pagesix.Com, "By the end of the year, if everything goes well, she will have a new baby. The adoption process is already under way. Angelina has always wanted a rainbow family, children from all countries."

I'm too lazy to look it up, but is Jesse Jackson still married? 'Cause he and Jolie sound like a match made in PR heaven.

While I have the utmost respect for adoption and for those who put up with all the beauracracy and BS to take in unwanted children, Jolie's approach kind of creeps me out. She's the one opening her home to these kids, so she's obviously free to use whatever criteria she chooses, but maybe she could've found a better template than the Global Beer Challenge, is all I'm sayin'.

My hassenpfeffer will go on

While not as good (in my opinion) as their version of The Shining (in 30 seconds, re-enacted by bunnies), Angry Alien's Titanic (in 30 seconds, re-enacted by bunnies) still beats the hell out of actually sitting through the real thing.

Thanks to Candy Blue Kite for the heads-up.

Pride goeth before the fall

Although she died almost 200 years ago, Stone Cold Jane Austen continues to haunt us via cinematic adaptations of her work:

Keira Knightley is set to star in "Pride and Prejudice," an adaptation of the Jane Austen classic for Working Title and Universal. Joe Wright, who helmed the BBC miniseries "Charles II," is directing a script originally penned by Deborah Moggach ("Tulip Fever") and rewritten by Lee Hall ("Billy Elliot")...

Sure is nice to see the classics getting the big screen treatment, isn't it? Problem is, the Knightley production will be the 7th movie/TV adaptation of Austen's novel (the 8th is you count Bridget Jones' Diary). Granted, there have been something like 15 versions of Jane Eyre, but it's a better book.

Aren't there some other Books by Dead People we could be bringing to the screen? I mean, they've only taken a stab at War and Peace six times.

Maybe I should keep my mouth shut for fear someone will do another version of Wuthering Heights.

Third times a charm

I note with some surprise that infrequent commenter MacinFLA posted on the hockey thread below. Surprise, because he became a father for the third time yesterday. Wife and new daughter are doing well, I'm told, and hopefully recovered from the brain fever that compelled them to have three children in the first place.

Congrats, Mac.

Doesn't really roll off the tongue, does it?

Tampa Bay wins Stanley Cup.

Nope. Still can't accept it. What's next, Houston winning the World Series?

Texas Tuesdays - 06/08/04

This week's edition of Texas Tuesdays looks at Martin Frost, who faces a difficult race against incumbent Pete Sessions in the 32nd Congressional District.

Check it out here.

You happy puppet

Saw the latest Harry Potter last Sunday but didn't bother to submit a review since there were already two up on the Film Threat site and besides, I still have to summon the intestinal fortitude to finish my Garfield piece.

Plenty of previews before HP3, most of which - given my age - confused the hell out of me. One that fit the category was for Thunderbirds, the new Bill Paxton vehicle based on the 1960s 'Supermarionation' TV show created by Gerry Anderson. Anderson also put together other '60s puppet masterpieces like Fireball XL5 and Captain Scarlet and the Mysterons, though he apparently didn't have a hand in the new movie, a fact which has caused no small amount of bad blood between him and Universal. Anderson may get the last laugh, since advance word on the movie hasn't been very promising.

Now, I can probably count the number of original Thunderbirds episodes I've seen on one three-fingered hand, so I don't have much of an opinion about the TV show. When I first heard about the remake, however, I admit to wondering if anyone was really that interested in seeing a film about a bunch of puppets who operate their own emergency response service.

[At the time, I didn't realize it would be live action. And besides, how many kids are likely to associate a film that looks like a whiter Spy Kids with some creepy marionette show that came out before their parents were born?]

The one good thing about Thunderbirds getting a wide release is that the way is further cleared for a Clutch Cargo movie. Better yet, make it a tie-in with one of my all-time favorite '60s toons, Jonny Quest, and establish once and for all that Clutch (left) and Race Bannon (right) were long lost brothers:

And don't bring up any of that Harvey Birdman crap about Bannon and Dr. Quest being more than "traveling companions." Race Bannon is All Man. Just like Tab Hunter or Dirk Bogarde.

"Chilling. Absolutely chilling."

Not my words, but rather those of the proprietor of the Jesus of the Week page in reference to this week's selection:

My personal caption would read, "Grizzly Adams, after bringing Ben to the petting zoo, suddenly hit upon a horrible idea."

Thanks to The Thing That Walks Like a Man for the link.