A Perfectly Cromulent Blog

Get your movie on

APCB is your one stop for weekend movie viewing recommendations. Now with excerpts!

The Village: ** out of ***** - "...not even Howard’s debut as a leading lady can disguise the fact that “The Village” is a horror movie with few chills, and that Shyamalan may be a one-trick pony rapidly running out of ideas."

Thunderbirds: *1/2 out of ***** - "“Thunderbirds” leads to more questions than can ever be answered. Such as: is there any lamer cover identity than “billionaire astronaut” (at least Bruce Wayne kept the Batcave secret)? Or, how does NATO or the UN feel about the geopolitical ramifications of having an orbiting intelligence platform in the hands of a private individual?"

The Manchurian Candidate **** out of ***** - "Conspiracy theory and corruption make up the new lingua franca of modern political dialogue, so none but the film’s more far out concepts will be too farfetched for today’s audiences. And lines like Voight’s assertion that Shaw may be the first corporate-owned Vice-President in history are likely to draw more snickers than gasps..."

See? Now you don't even have to read them.

It takes a Village idiot

My review of M. Night Shyamalan's latest most likely won't be up on Film Threat today, but since I know how crucial my opinion is to the moviegoing public, I thought I'd use another write-up to help outline my feelings. In this case, it's one I pulled from the AP wire, and I'm confused at to why someone would write such a fawning review of The Village and not at least put their name on it[1]:

Review: 'The Village' Is Shyamalan's Best

Where to begin in terms of the revelations in M. Night Shyamalan's "The Village"?

Let's start with Bryce Dallas Howard, daughter of director Ron Howard. With only stage roles and bit parts in her dad's movies beforehand, Howard delivers a radiant leading-lady debut that dominates the film and its excellent ensemble, which includes Joaquin Phoenix, William Hurt, Sigourney Weaver and Adrien Brody.

There are the usual Shyamalan twists, certainly not as jaw-dropping as the ending of "The Sixth Sense" but still intriguing. Some will see the big surprise coming, and some may find it flimsy, even laughable, the way many greeted the conclusion of Shyamalan's "Unbreakable."

Correction: Everyone will see the big surprise coming, not just because it is so clumsily telegraphed, but because people are expecting it. Shyamalan was able to make the endings to The Sixth Sense and Unbreakable work because the "shocking twist" thing in his movies was still a little fresh. Now, everyone knows it's coming, and the anticipation of the big reveal can't help but disappoint.

The reviewer's right about one thing; Bryce Howard is fantastic.

Yet unlike writer-director Shyamalan's previous films, including 2002's "Signs," the twists and gothic creepiness are not the payoff of "The Village." The rewards run much deeper in this simple story laced with a rich subtext and, like classic fairy tales, suffused with twilight terror and repressed carnality.

The real revelation is Shyamalan's growth as a storyteller, advancing from a modern Rod Serling specializing in "Twilight Zone" zingers to a mythmaker invoking the restrained passion of the Bronte sisters and the puritanical inhibitions of Nathaniel Hawthorne.

*cough* *cough* *cough*

Sorry, I was just having trouble swallowing all that. Twilight terror? The Village is going to go down as MNS's least frightening movie to date. What's really terrifying is how often he has to resort to cheap surprise scares to wake his audience up.

As for the whole repressed carnality thing, they must be referring to that fact that William Hurt's character won't hold hands with Sigourney Weaver's character. This could somehow represent the denial of lustful urges, I supose, but that's it. The characters don't spend the film leering at each other from afar, turning at the last minute to hide their hooded eyes. They hold hands, and occasionally dance. Someone rinse me off.

The Bronte/Hawthorne comparisons are flat out hilarious (and it probably doesn't help that I hated Wuthering Heights), but as a horror geek, I'm more offended by the Serling reference.

"The Village" is Shyamalan's best film yet, demanding repeated viewings and endless discussion about the morality and implications of the characters' choices.

One viewing was more than enough, thanks. The glacial pace, lack of legitimate scares, and ham-handed attempts at allegory will sink The Village, no matter how many movie reviewers remain unaware that Shyamalan has used up all the tricks up his sleeve.

[1] The linked review contains spoilers, so read at your own risk.

Hope you enjoyed that $300

'Cause at this rate, the government will be asking for it back soon:

WASHINGTON - The White House projected Friday that this year's deficit will hit a record $445 billion, further fueling a campaign-season dispute over President Bush's handling of the economy.

The figure easily surpassed last year's $375 billion, making it the largest-ever in dollar terms. That gave ammunition to Democrats who say Bush's tax cuts and failure to prevent a loss of jobs during his term have worsened the outlook for the budget and the economy.

But in a political plus for Republicans, the new projection was also an improvement over forecasters' expectations of earlier this year. In February, the administration projected a $521 billion shortfall for 2004, while the nonpartisan Congressional Budget Office estimated a month earlier that the deficit would be $477 billion.

That's some good glass is half empty/half full back and forth going on there. I'm glad to see the deficit lowballed both the administration and the CBO, though when you start talking Sagan-style about hundreds of bee-lions of dollars, what's thirty more here or there? By my way of thinking, going more than, oh, $250B into the red isn't exactly healthy. Good thing the federal government doesn't have to abide by Sarbanes-Oxley.

Seeing as both sides will make hay out of this, I thought I'd focus on a few comments that struck me funny:

"We are meeting our national priorities and by showing spending restraint elsewhere in the budget we are on track to meet the president's commitment to cutting deficits in half" over the next five years, White House spokesman Scott McClellan told reporters aboard Air Force One as Bush flew to campaign stops in the Midwest.

I like how he failed to add, "Deficits that the president himself is responsible for helping create."

"Anyway you slice it, a deficit exceeding $400 billion this year alone is bad news for the country," said Thomas Kahn, Democratic staff director for the House Budget Committee. "Republicans' failed budget policies have converted record surpluses into the biggest deficits in American history."

And here the Dems will try to flank Bush's focus on terrorism, while the administration will continue to insist that everything will even out, provided you leave them in power. Otherwise, they can't be held responsible.

Normally, I'm reluctant to completely attribute the health of the economy (or the stock market, for that matter) to the current puppet in the White House. I don't believe Bush the Elder deserved all the rap for the economic downturn of the early '90s, just as Clinton's policies weren't the alpha and omega of the mid-'90s boom. Deficits, however, are something else, and all the comments about how we've gone from record surpluses to record debts in less than four years are pretty on target.

Then again, maybe something else is at play here:

Republicans have blamed the invasion of Iraq and recession for the fiscal problems.

In other words, the administration is trying to avoid being held accountable for the massive deficit by, in part, blaming it on something for which it can be held accountable. Interesting tactic.

Barbarism begins at home

How many times have we heard "He was such a quiet man" from the neighbors of people arrested for murder? "Seemed like a nice guy," "Kept to himself," and on and on. The phrases get boring the third or fourth time you hear them, but they never go away. Clichéd as they may be, they accurately reflect the astonishment most of us would feel if we discovered someone living in close proximity was a murderer.

So you can imagine my horror at finding out one of these fiends is living in my very own house.

I got in late last night after a screening of The Village and needed to go to my office to write my review for Film Threat (of course, they ended up running someone else's[1] after I stayed up 'til 1:00 writing mine...not that I'm bitter or anything). In short, there was no time to waste, and I didn't linger in the unlit front room. No, it wasn't until this morning that I discovered the carnage.

The scene played like something out of our darkest nightmares, with bodies strewn across the floor and wreckage everywhere. I approached the fallen, seeking to offer aid or - at the very least - comfort, but there was nothing to be done. Whoever did this had been mercilessly thorough. Not knowing what else to do, I sought to document the incident, in order to prevent further bloodshed.

I don't think Pooh had a chance. Here we see how he was cut down just before he could reach the safety of the entertainment center. Personally, I suspect the killer toyed with Pooh, allowing him to believe he might make it to shelter, before he/she brutally snuffed him out.

This is, to me, the most heartbreaking. In my mind, the killer tortured Eeyore from afar, pelting him with blocks (visible in the first picture) from afar, until Tigger had no choice but to come to his friend's aid. Then, the killer took them both.

I don't know who that is in the left foreground. Doubtless some innocent bystander who ran afoul of the culprit.

Of course, it's always the children who suffer the most in these situations. From his expression, it appears this poor unfortunate looked our killer in the eyes before he died.

I'm working on a list of suspects, and I think I've got it narrowed down to two: there's Owl, who's always so high-strung and tweaked out, and there's Christopher Robin. Sure, he "seems like a nice boy," but never trust a person who wears short pants year-round.

That puts Charlie Brown and Bart Simpson on my primary suspect list as well.

[1] Oh, the things I could tell you about Chad Bixby

We're gonna need a bigger beach

Visitors are flocking to area shores, in spite of the presence of sharks and other nasties:

Shark attacks and bacterial infections had no noticeable effect on the number of visitors drawn to area beaches Wednesday, say several people who work on the coast.

"People are swimming," said Peter Davis, assistant director of the Galveston Beach Patrol.

Two people were bitten by sharks this week, one Sunday off Bryan Beach in Brazoria County and one Tuesday along Galveston's seawall. And a species of the vibrio bacteria has killed three people in Texas this year and sickened 20, including a Houston man who lost both legs to the infection and was in critical condition Wednesday at a Victoria hospital.

These last two attacks have been lead news stories for a week. Never mind that the kid on Bryan Beach was committing the 1st degree no-nos of surf fishing with his catch in hand and his bait attached to his belt, or that the girl bitten off Galveston was apparently the victim of a standard "bite and release." Not that this is consolation to either of them after having to endure surgery for their wounds, but more people died in car accidents in Houston last night than died of shark attacks off Texas coasts all last year.

Ah, who am I kidding? I've been afraid of sharks since I was 6 years old. They used to have those great tabloid magazines in the 1970's with blow-by-blow descriptions of horrible (and most likely fictitious) shark attacks, accompanied by artists' renderings of the grisly scenes. Typical masochist, I'd read the things cover to cover in my local 7-11 and suffer nightmares for weeks, which would usually fade from memory just in time for the next issue to come out.

Even so, I'd be more worried about that bacteria:

Texas Department of Health records show that about 35 people are infected by vibrio vulnificus each year. Last year, there were 43 cases and seven deaths.

TDH epidemiologist Linda Gaul said people with open cuts should avoid exposure to the gulf, bay and other coastal waters. She said wounds or cuts that are exposed to the water should be washed immediately with soap and fresh water.

Symptoms of vibrio vulnificus infection include redness and swelling, ulcers, vomiting, diarrhea and abdominal pain. If vibrio infects the bloodstream, which is more likely to happen for those with diabetes, weakened immune systems or liver problems, there could be fever, chills, septic shock and blistering skin lesions.

It took a while for reports of the man who lost both his legs to the bacteria to make the news, probably because all the networks were breathlessly reporting the 1st case of West Nile virus in the area last week. West Nile affected a whopping 48 people in Harris County last year, killing 3 (which is about a normal week's worth of homicides in Houston), yet it still manages to snag hysterical news coverage throughout the summer months.

If we ever get another case of encephalitus around here I think our TVs will explode.

As for the recent shark attacks...you know, it is Shark Week on the Discovery Channel again. Don't be surprised if Wayne Dolcefino presents some grainy news footage this week of a Discovery Comunications yacht dumping chum near Bayou Vista.

They call him Bruce

Warner Brothers is punching the reset button on the Batman and Superman franchises. Superman, as we all know, has been plagued with script problems, directorial changes, and endless casting rumors. They appear to have settled on Bryan Singer to direct, which is a step in the right direction, but there's a long way to go yet.

For the new Batman film, on the other hand, WB nabbed Christopher Nolan early on and assembled a frankly impressive (if overwhelmingly British) cast for him to work with, including Michael Caine, Cilliam Murphy, Liam Neeson, Gary Oldman, and Tom Wilkinson. Bats himself will be played by Christian Bale, who's been nails in just about everything I've seen him do (yeah, even Reign of Fire). Against my will, I've been getting pretty excited about the new film.

Of course, I allowed myself to get excited about the 1989 Batman movie too, which didn't go over very well. For such a major studio effort, it played as very low budget. Maybe it was the Prince songs, or Robert Wuhl, or that the entire movie was shot in a soundstage. Michael Keaton didn't bother me, except for the fact that his Batman was always fleeing from the bad guys. After a while, I wondered if they'd mistakenly threaded Logan's Run into the projector.

Obviously, the later films aren't worth mentioning. Except in bitter, bitter tones.

Today I saw that the Batman Begins teaser is online. Follow the link, click "Trailer" and enter your player settings. It's very Batman: Year One, showing Bruce Wayne's travels in the wake of his parents' deaths. It's also a teaser in every sense of the word, as there's about a millisecond of Bale in the Batman cowl. Still, it's done it's job, and now I'm stuck waiting until next summer for it to come out.

Kraut, kraut, let it all out

Tom DeLay is either clumsily attempting to deflect growing criticism of his fundraising activities, or he's as big an idiot as we've often suspected:

A super-sized Statue of Liberty, holding aloft an order of french fries, is adorning food tray liners in Subway restaurants across Germany. And House Majority Leader Tom DeLay, R-Sugar Land, is angry enough about it to lose his lunch.

"This is every bad stereotype about corporate America come true," DeLay said in a news release.

The ad in German, whose headline translates as "Why are Americans so fat?" is a promotional tie-in to the movie Super Size Me, director Morgan Spurlock's take on life in the fast-food lane.
...
Subway officials point out that the prime images on the tray liners — the goateed, fry-stuffing madman and the Rubenesque Lady Liberty — were both borrowed directly from the movie promotions running in Germany.

DeLay is obviously unaware that it's essentially "anything goes" overseas when it comes to advertising. I've always liked the fact that otherwise serious American actors and artists can usually be coaxed into making a whiskey commercial in Japan, or selling noodles in Malaysia (many ads of this nature used to be availble to view on AdCritic, but it looks like you have to pay now).

Besides, I've been to Germany and let's just say it wouldn't surprise me if Subway was finding a sizable audience for lowfat alternatives over there as well.

I guess for some companies, corporate patriotism is as flexible as Jared's waistline," DeLay said.

DeLay objected to the ad's parody of the Statue of Liberty, "one of the most recognizable American symbols."

And he complained aboutthe flier including a quote from filmmaker and "pathological partisan" Michael Moore, whose anti-Bush diatribe Fahrenheit 9/11 has become the Democrats' choice for best picture.

Moore is quoted as saying, "The only time I have been scared for my life has been going through a McDonald's drive-through."

DeLay said, "For Subway to thumb its nose at its American customers and promote Michael Moore's blame-America-first conspiracy in a foreign country is very concerning."

His comments about recognizable American symbols are well taken. After all, he's been parodying a Congressman in another one of our most recognizable symbols - the Capitol - for years.

Morgan Spurlock struck a deal with Subway to use Super Size Me to promote Subway's healthier menu. In the process, they put a porky Lady Liberty on some placemats. I'm no big city political analyst, but certainly there are other things a U.S. Congressman could be worrying about besides bitching at a fast food company for engaging in the same sort of behavior fast food companies have been engaging in since the 1980s.

Like, say, explaining how money donated to your children's charity ended up paying for luxury suites and yacht cruises, for starters.

As for the placemat, I would've used a Blazing Saddles theme, and found some way to incorporate the line "Fourteen is my limit on schnitzengruben" in there somewhere.

But feel free to remake that lousy Kevin Costner movie with a similar title

This 7,328th installment of Unnecessary Remake News comes to you courtesy of the Hollywood Reporter:

Tony Bill's "My Bodyguard" is next up for the remake treatment. The re-do of the 1980 film, which starred Chris Makepeace, Adam Baldwin and Matt Dillon, is being set up at Dimension Films. Jeff Lieber is penning the script about a boy who enlists his new school's most feared kid when he finds himself being bullied.

Even though the concept of hiring a goon to challenge the school bully was briefly revisited in the equally noteworthy Three O'Clock High (and Richard Tyson was infinitely more intimidating that Chachi Matt Dillon), the concept's a little outdated. Post-Columbine, it seems hard to believe bullies would risk going after the twitchy, disaffected kids anymore.

Unless the bullies are better armed, that is.

As a twitchy, disaffected kid myself, I really liked My Bodyguard (even though I was pretty sure even I could've handled Screech Matt Dillon). I am against the idea of a remake, but that's hardly news, and won't keep Hollywood from doing what they like. I still have fond memories of the original, which is all that really matters.

Besides, who would've guessed quiet Ricky Linderman would grow up to be this friendly character?

"Where you been, Homer? The whole steel industry's gay."

Wouldn't be much of a cromulent blog if I didn't comment on this:

A Simpsons toon is coming out of the closet. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Speaking during a weekend panel at San Diego's Comic-Con convention, show producers dropped a bomb: An upcoming Simpsons story line will focus on what happens when Springfield legalizes gay marriage.

"We have a show where, to raise money, Springfield legalizes gay marriage," producer Al Jean told comic book fans. "Homer becomes a minister by going on the Internet and filling out a form. A longtime character comes out of the closet, but I'm not saying who."

And with that, Simpsons aficionados got their gaydar on and began winnowing down the list of potential suspects.

The early favorite appears to be billionaire Monty Burns' ever-devoted sidekick, Waylon Smithers, who--aside from being a yes-man--has been known to collect Malibu Stacy dolls, lives in the gay part of town (where Homer once shacked up with two gay guys), has a Mr. Burns screensaver and dreams of a naked Mr. Burns jumping out of a birthday cake.

But that might be too easy. According to online fan scuttlebutt, there are other characters who might be secretly having a gay old time in Springfield, including Homer's regular-guy cohorts at the nuclear plant, Carl and Lenny, as well as Moe the bartender, the Reverend Lovejoy, Principal Skinner and Comic Book Guy. Of course, the producers didn't rule out a lesbian wedding, either.

We'll cover those the article mentions first...

It's not Smithers. Smithers only has eyes for Mr. Burns who, as we know from his courting Marge's mom and Snake's ex Gloria (Julia Louis-Dreyfus), seems to have an eye for the ladies. Besides, it's much too obvious. Odds: 15 to 1

Carl and Lenny? Lenny's the one with the serious man-love for Carl, and while I don't know how much of that is shared by the Mr. Carlson, he did fly in on a helicopter to save him from a burning oil well. I seriously doubt any of my hetero lifemates would do the same for me. Odds: 6 to 1

Moe has a long history of failed relationships, most of which never lasted more than the time it took for him to make his opening line (Collette the waitress in Season 3), though he did date Renee (Helen Hunt) until he ran out of money. Odds: 20 to 1

There's never been any hint that the long-married Reverend Lovejoy harbors homosexual tendencies. Doesn't mean he's off limits, but it's a long shot. Odds: 50 to 1

Seymour is repressed, but recently proposed to Mrs. Krabapple. Groening and company could use his military background to play on the whole "gays in the military" angle, but I kind of doubt it. And there is the whole mommy issue thing. Odds: 25 to 1

Finally, the Comic Book Guy may be a geek, but he's all about the females. He had a shared moment with a fellow (double-X chromosome) geek over a water-damaged stack of Little Lulus, downloads naked Captain Janeway porn, and was almost seduced by Lucy Lawless. And who can forget the horrible spectacle of seeing him in bed with Agnes Skinner? Odds: 75 to 1

UPDATE: Oh, and I don't think it's Ned Flanders, as some of you in the comments are suggesting. The last big Simpsons "event" was Maude's death, which would make the potential outing of Ned a pretty boring proposition. Could he be repressing his true feelings due to years of piety and spanking therapy? Perhaps, but he also nailed Hollywood starlet Sara Sloane (Marisa Tomei) in Season 14. Hardly the act of a man about to switch teams.

Anyway, click below for more worthless speculation.

Both Patty and Selma have their intimacy issues, and both have the hots for MacGyver. Patty doesn't like to be touched, but did date Principal Skinner for a time. Selma has been married to Lionel Hutz, Troy McClure, and Sideshow Bob, which would seem to make her a serial heterosexual monogamist. There are several references to Patty having been either born a man or presently being a man, however, and both were shown on the "Still in the Closet" float a couple seasons back. Patty's definitely a strong contender. Odds: 5 to 1

Who else? Captain McAllister has alluded to resorting to homosexuality at sea, though he did participate in the Springfield Bachelor Auction (as did Hans Moleman). Plus, he married a man to a cow in international waters (thereby proving Rick Santorum's theory on homosexual marriage leading to bestiality?). Odds: 10 to 1

Ms. Hoover? Unmarried, but dated Apu. Could be perfect for Patty, however. Odds: 15 to 1

Otto? Metal dudes are never gay. Just ask Rob Halford. Plus he's married. Odds: 25 to 1

Groundskeeper Willy? Unlikely, I seem to recall an episode where he made out with an equally unattractive Scottish female. And he dated Sherry Bobbins. Odds: 30 to 1

I think we can probably rule out most of the school kids, though Martin is notoriously fey. And the Love-O-Matic did say Kearney was gay.

Barney's been on several failed dates, but (and you'll pardon the stereotyping) he's probably too slovenly to be gay. Odds: 35 to 1

It won't be Apu, who went through an oat sowing phase before settling down and having septuplets with Manjula. Odds: 75 to 1

Chief Wiggum: married. Further, it probably wouldn't be very funny. Odds: 50 to 1

Mayor Quimby: Oh please. Odds: 100 to 1

Krusty the Clown? Interesting. He fathered a child during the Gulf War, but has never really been attached to any other woman romantically (though there was the "Look at those magumbos" comment). And he seems to share a special bond with Sideshow Mel. He's my dark horse. Odds: 12 to 1

Channel 6 anchor Kent Brockman has a daughter and was, at one point, married. Doesn't mean a lot, however. Odds: 25 to 1

Bumblebee Man is married and seems like a normal straight guy. Who happens to constantly wear a bee costume. Odds: 75 to 1

Dr. Nick has been AWOL for the better part of the last few seasons. That alone is reason enough to remove him from consideration. Odds: 35 to 1

Professor Frink has hooked up with a female assistant and a cocktail waitress after Mesmerino turned him into a makeout artist. Odds: 40 to 1

Sideshow Bob is another one of those "never been seen with a woman" types (his homicidal marriage to Selma doesn't count), but he's not enough of a regular character to make him a worthwhile choice. Odds: 35 to 1

I suppose it could be Fat Tony, but that's a stretch. He isn't on the show much, and the idea kind of runs counter to the manly mobster stereotype. Odds: 50 to 1

This whole time-waster of an exercise assumes, of course, that anything resembling normal continuity is followed. Besides, aren't Kang and Kodos already married? Does that count?

Since I have a sneaking suspicion it's going to be something fairly obvious (Lenny and Carl are worrying me), I'll go with an essentially left field prediction: DuffMan - who I feel certain is hiding his true feelings behing that party hardy attitude, and Handsome Pete, who dances for nickels. Or maybe Poochie.

And there's always Homer's cousin Frank, who later became cousin Francene and is now Mother Shabooboo.

Who'd I leave out?

Twang 'em high

Jack Sparks likes the new Old 97s album:

Thank God for Drag It Up. Now we're talkin'. This record has all the bravado of Wreck Your Life, with just a dash of age and maturity, that seems more of a natural progression from where these guys started. It's hard to put your finger on it, but that guitar sound is back. It's kind of biscuit mixed and gasoline fed, and it sounds crude next to Rhett's aching heart throb of a voice, but THAT'S the core of what they do. Just plug this into your car's outputs and get on the damn road. Murray's "In the Satellite Rides a Star," and Rhett's "Adelaide" will absolutely break your heart, and the opening track "Won't Be Home" is the kind of Friday night, rip the tops off the six pack, and get her rollin' anthem that this summer needed.

Good news. I also hated Satellite Rides, and after the band went on hiatus several years ago I more or less assumed Rhett would enjoy moderate mainstream popularity - by making music I'd never bother to listen to - and the rest of the guys would go on about their lives. Maybe I'll be able to retract some of my previous statements once and for all.

Texas Tuesdays - 07/27/2004

This week, Texas Tuesdays takes a look at Kelly White, former executive director of Austin's SafePlace - a nonprofit set up to help victims of rape and domestic abuse - who is running against Republican Todd Baxter in HD 48. The site has more information on the race as well as a Q&A with White. Go check it out.

Hold me close now, slimy dancer

Lost amidst all the convention hooplah, riveting pre-Olympics coverage, and the unveiling of Episode III's title (they didn't go with my suggestion[1]) comes news of the long-awaited release of Showgirls on DVD. And what a DVD it is:

LOS ANGELES - It was "42nd Street" with pasties, "All About Eve" with a G-string. Only those movies were cinema classics, while "Showgirls" was so bad that adjectives such as awful, wretched and appalling somehow seemed too kind. But if a film festers in video stores long enough, its audience eventually will sniff it out.

Since it imploded critically and commercially in 1995, "Showgirls" has gained such a fringe following of movie masochists that distributor MGM is releasing a "V.I.P. Edition" DVD set on Tuesday, playing up the film's campy atrociousness.

The elaborate package includes shot glasses and playing cards for "Showgirls" drinking games; glossy pictures of star Elizabeth Berkley (news); plus pasties, a blindfold and a poster of Berkley for a "pin-the-pasties-on-the-showgirl" game.

Among DVD extras are a tutorial on how to give a lap dance and audio commentary titled "The Greatest Movie Ever Made."

Targeting those pathetically post-ironic wannabe hipsters, eh? Sign me up.

I can't remember when I saw Showgirls. It wasn't in the theater, since I was in grad school in '95 and made it to about two movies a year (and those at the dollar cinema three blocks away that played Bollywood productions Wed-Sun and had no heat or air conditioning). As is usually the case with dramatically lowered expectations, I'd been exposed to so many scathing critiques by the time I sat down to watch it there was no way it could be as bad as everyone said it was, and it wasn't.

Oh, don't get me wrong, it's bad. But there should be enough distractions within, including the hilarious dialogue, a perpetually topless Gina Gershon, and the premise that Elizabeth Berkley has "more natural talent" than one character has ever seen. Its badness is tempered by the fact that those involved must have possessed a certain awareness of all the over-the-top breast-baring and catfighting. Attempting to take the proceedings seriously would've earned Paul Verhoeven those seven Razzies. As it is, I'd still rate it higher than Pearl Harbor.

Though with lines like, "She's no butterfly, Tony, she's all pelvic thrust," it's amazing screenwriter Joe Eszterhas hasn't had to turn in his WGA card. He belatedly tried to pass this one off, as he did with Basic Instinct, as a tale of female empowerment, which might come off as pretentious if Eszterhas had any idea what the word "empowerment" meant.

For critics, "Showgirls" was like shooting fish in a barrel with a Gatling gun. Berkley took the worst of it for her garish masquerade as a stripper turned Vegas showgirl, but the movie also was a career low for co-stars Kyle MacLachlan and Gina Gershon. The actors declined interviews for this story.
...
"That one is so surreal you just can't believe you're watching it," said [writer David] Schmader, who estimates he has seen "Showgirls" 100 times. "It seems like this great lost Pinter scene where subtext is everything, until you realize that there absolutely is no subtext. They're just talking about eating dog food."

Speaking of pretentious, who drops Pinter references in a Showgirls article?

[1] We Got Your Money - inspired by classic Austin punk outfit the Big Boys

Closing time

Much as I enjoy ferreting out the comments inviting me to wager online and view hot man-on-dog action, and as gratifying as it is that 14-year old girls continue to hurl their bodies into the path of largely nonexistent barbs aimed at their precious Legolas in my Orlando Bloom entry of some nine months ago, enough is enough. Michael and Ginger installed MT Close Comments earlier this month, and I've just gotten around to adding it to my template. If I did it right, comments will be closed on all entries at least 45 days old and inactive for 3 days. What this means, ultimately, is you've missed your chance to chime in on my adventures playing Knights of the Old Republic.

But I think the sequel comes out this year.

Don't give her any ideas

Len points out a tactic that might be as effective against exasperating husbands as it is against disobedient teens: selling their video game console on eBay:

UP FOR AUCTION OR FOR SALE DUE TO PUNISHMENT

PLAY STATION 2
PS2
USED
PLAYS GREAT! ASK MY SON

Remind me to get that laundry put away when I get home.

"Nice cat, what's his name?"
"Annoying Customer."

As alluded to here in the past, I am a proud veteran of the food and drink service industry. I worked in fast food for my first couple jobs, spent a year in high school delivering pizzas, some five years during post-undergrad and graduate school as a waiter, and mixed in some bartending during that time as well. Everyone who's spent time in that field has horror stories and variants on the "customer from hell," as well as tales of vengeance that would make the blood of the restaurant-going population run cold.

For those who want to read such stories at a safe distance, as well as hear of customers who were actually appreciative of their service, the internet has what you need. A few of the web sites I've been enjoying include:

BitterWaitress.com - Tipping styles of the rich and famous, industry stories, and the Shitty Tipper Database, where "revenge is a dish best served in a black pleather Amex folder."

The Stained Apron - The name says it all, really. Some nice revenge stories.

BarSpooge.com - Fun bartender stories. A little sparse in content, but some hairy stuff, nonetheless.

Of course, it's not just the dining industry that is publishing dirt on unpleasant customers. There are also pages out there for indignant yard sale hosts, irritated tech support reps, and one near to my heart, the pizza delivery guy.

I think there are some sites dedicated to reviews of "escort services" as well, but this site is already blocked by enough web filters.

Tour de Lance 2004 - Finis

The last stage of the Tour de France is always so anticlimactic, but the ABC coverage of Lance Armstrong's 6th Tour win was nice for those of us who don't get the freaking Outdoor Life Network. I also liked the recap of the previous 5-time winners, and while I knew Eddy Merckx was knocked out of contention for a 6th Tour win by a drunken Frenchman, I didn't know the nature of the attack. I'm assuming a "liver punch" is similar in spirit to a "kidney punch," but I always thought it'd be kind of hard to actually hit the liver.

Must be one of those shaolin things. Or, considering the source, one of those savate things.

At any rate, you can all rest easy that I'm done talking about cycling for another year. Oh, and I flew my Texas flag today to commemorate the event. The flag was obtained - in honor of our noble Texas ancestors - by stealing it from a Mexican family who lived down the street from us in our old neighborhood.[1]

[1] Actually, it was stolen from an affluent white couple, which probably makes it okay.

Time to update those fantasy draft lists

Ex-Heisman Trophy winner, UT Longhorn/New Orleans Saint/Miami Dolphin Ricky Williams unexpectedly retired today at the age of 27 to, uh, travel:

MIAMI (AP) -- The first sign of a change in Ricky Williams came when he returned from vacation in Australia last winter with a shaved head, the distinctive dreadlocks gone.

Now he's gone, too. Williams has decided to retire at the peak of his career, stunning the Miami Dolphins and leaving an enormous void in their backfield less than a week before the start of training camp.

Williams, who rushed for 3,225 yards in two seasons with the Dolphins, phoned from Hawaii to inform coach Dave Wannstedt of his decision, then continued his travels by flying to Tokyo.

Williams had just started to shine at Miami, so his early retirement is a bit of a surprise, especially to the Dolphins, who are now stuck with Travis Minor as their sole RB.

With three years left on his contract that had a hefty signing bonus, he may end up owing his old team some money. As for his future plans:

Officials at Texas anticipate that Williams will return to Austin to earn his degree in education and pursue work with children.

Selfish bastard. Though that should probably read, "Officials at Texas hope hope hope Heisman winner Williams will return to Austin to distract Longhorn fans from Mack Brown's failure to contend for a national championship."

Tackle me, Elmo

I would like to preface this entry by saying that I understand children's programming is not aimed at me. I've gotten into plenty of arguments with people over the relative merits of Barney or the Teletubbies and usually hewed to the line of reasoning that it's not for us. Is Barney annoying to a 30-year old? Of course, just as Frontline with Bill Moyers is probably bewildering to a 2-year old. I can understand that constant exposure, caused by infinite repeat viewings of prerecorded children's programming, can lead to madness, but it's hardly becoming for an alleged adult to support "Kill Barney" movements or the like.

Having said that, who is this Elmo asshole?

I stopped watching Sesame Street before the little red bastard ever showed up, so my confusion began with the Tickle-Me Elmo phenomenon of several years ago. Of course, I knew various Muppets came and went through the years (where are you, Guy Smiley?), and didn't think much of it at the time.

Our kid doesn't watch a lot of TV. We don't plop her down in front of it and she shows little interest in it when it is on. Except for Elmo. The Wife usually straps She Who Shall Not be Named into the low-rider swing for 10 or 15 minutes every morning so she can get ready for work, and turns Sesame Street on for her. There's apparently a segment of the show called "Elmo's World" that involves Grover's love-starved cousin conversing with his goldfish and answering viewer mail. Even upon hearing this, I didn't think much of it, until the first time I got the baby ready in the morning and realized "Elmo's World" lasts 20 freaking minutes.

It's an outrage, sez I. Where's Cookie Monster (not to be seen this morning)? Why has Grover's role been so severely truncated? And only one sketch featuring the smoldering homoerotic undercurrents of the relationship between Big Bird and Snuffleuphagus?

You thought I was going to say Bert and Ernie, didn't you? Please, there's no "undercurrent" in that relationship.

Nothing like playing your heavy hitters more often in the lineup, but one-third of the show? I had no idea Elmo was such a phenomenon. Kids usually move from trend to trend faster than you can say, "secret of the ooze," but Elmo appears to have some serious staying power.

And I'm avoiding the obvious joke, for once.

More on Moore

To go along with Salon's interview with Alan Moore (thanks to the Howling Curmudgeons for the tip), The Hollywood Reporter breaks the news that Moore's superlative Watchmen is coming to the big screen (via Dark Horizons):

"Watchmen," the seminal DC Comics limited series, has landed at Paramount Pictures. Darren Aronofsky will develop and direct the project, which is being written by David Hayter. Aronofsky's producing partner Eric Watson will produce with Larry Gordon and Lloyd Levin. "Watchmen," created by writer Alan Moore and artist Dave Gibbons, was released as a 12-issue comic book in 1986 and is one of the most critically acclaimed series in the genre. The comic is credited for redefining the superhero genre and is often referred to as the "War and Peace" of comic books. It is a crime-conspiracy story that provided the first realistic look at the behind-the-heroics lives of superhero archetypes.

Standard concerns apply: respect for the source material - which has been a problem with Moore adaptations (e.g. The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen); time constraints (I can easily see the Black Freighter panels and a significant portion of the flashbacks cut), and casting, which I don't even want to think about at this point (Matthew Lillard as Nite Owl!).

Aronofsky was attached to the new Batman film for a while, and is slated to head up the film version of Kazuo Koike's Lone Wolf and Cub, while Hayter wrote X-Men, X2, and the upcoming Iron Man adaptation, so I'm not too worried about those guys.

No, my concerns stem from the historical treatment of Alan Moore's work. He's more or less completely hands-off when it comes to filming his comics, which is his prerogative, but it would be a shame for Watchmen to get the League treatment (Seth Green as Rorschach!).

And I'm still waiting for my V for Vendetta miniseries on the BBC.

Critic, review thyself

My recommendation this weekend is for all of you to check out Catwoman. No, not the movie itself...the reviews. Specifically, see how many reviewers have used the delicious pun "cat-astrophe" to describe it in their write-ups. A cursory look at the Metacritic page for the film revealed two, as well as two references to "hairballs."

What a bunch of jerks movie reviewers are.

Anyway, my latest review, for The Bourne Supremacy, is up at Film Threat: Decent action, an excellent car chase, and Franka Potente. It's all - as the hipsters say - good.

My review for Colin Farrell's latest, A Home at the End of the World, should be up tomorrow.

Tour de Lance 2004 - Stick a Fork In It

"Je suis roi du monde!"

First Armstrong wins yesterday's stage, the only rider to finish in under 40 minutes, then he wins Stage 17 to extend his lead over Ivan Basso to 4:09. At this rate, he could stop off during Stage 19 and have a beer with some spectators and still win.

Seven, anyone?

Meshuggah white men

Irritating the government is one thing, but when Michael Moore starts pissing off America's sinister cabal of game show hosts, watch out (via Fark):

DALLAS (Wireless Flash) -- Michael Moore should hope he never meets up with game show host Bob Eubanks in a public bathroom.

"The Newlywed Game" host has had a feud with the "Fahrenheit 9/11" director ever since Moore's 1989 documentary "Roger and Me" showed him telling an off-color joke: "Why do Jewish women never get AIDS? They only marry a**holes, they don't screw `em."

Eubanks claims that he only told the joke because he thought the camera was off, and insists the joke was told to him by a Jewish friend.

"Some of my best friends are Jews," Eubanks added, "And I love Jewish entertainers like Barbra Streisand and Bruce Springstein."

While he thought the joke was innocuous, the furor over it cost him a job at CBS and forced him to apologize on "Entertainment Tonight."

Eubanks is reportedly planning to join James Watt, Al Campanis, Marge Schott, and the ghost of Jimmy the Greek on the newly created Cultural Diversity Panel at Bob Jones University.

Block-heads

Blockbuster Video is preparing to release the hounds on Netflix:

NEW YORK (Hollywood Reporter) -- Blockbuster Inc. chairman and CEO John Antioco promised shareholders Tuesday that the video rental giant will take the fight to online rental rival Netflix Inc. when it launches its own Internet-based rental service this year.

While Blockbuster executives have in the past often shrugged off the competitive threat from Netflix and the significance of the online rental market in general, Antioco openly acknowledged its strategic importance at his company's annual shareholder meeting.

"Two million (customers) have spoken," he said, referring to Netflix's subscriber base. "We can't continue to allow our customers to erode away from us. We are not going to ignore these folks."

Why not? Your company as good as ignored its customers for years by giving lousy service, poor selection, and charging usurious late fees. We use Netflix, since our only non-BB option for renting movies is several miles away, and I don't care if Blockbuster offers a free six-pack per rental, I'm not going back.

Well...depends on the six-pack.

Asked whether Blockbuster's $24.95 a month in-store subscription pass compares well with Netflix's slightly cheaper online offer, Antioco said it is "a hell of a better deal," because his company offers unlimited numbers of rentals under the pass. While Netflix users rent seven to eight DVDs a month, Blockbuster's Movie Pass owners rent more than 10 a month.

The standard Netflix deal ($21.99 a month) stipulates you can have 3 DVDs out at any given time, and can otherwise replace them as often as you like. Meaning your rentals per month are only limited by how often you send the DVDs back. Personally, I have a little difficulty making my way through more than 2 movies a night (less if it's a TV show DVD, which often has four episodes), but I'm sure there are childless people who enjoy several movies a day. Even so, Antioco seems to think renters are incapable of keeping a constantly rotating selection going, which is how most Netflix user go about it.

Of course, he might be referring to the fact that - according to the article - Blockbuster won't be able to duplicate Netflix's overnight deliveries right away, so their subscribers might, y'know, need to stockpile.

Unless Blockbuster is planning on vastly improving its rental catalogue beyond the dismal selection available at most stores and/or giving its renters the option of getting uncut movie releases,I doubt they're getting any old customers back.

He comes in peace

[Does that cool razor-edged compact disc count as WMD?]

I forget, which candidate is the one who flip-flops again?

With polls showing public support for the war in Iraq in decline, the Republican president cast himself as a reluctant warrior as he campaigned in the battleground state of Iowa against Democrat John Kerry and his running mate, former trial lawyer John Edwards. Bush lost the state in 2000 by only a few thousand votes.

"The enemy declared war on us," he told a re-election rally. "Nobody wants to be the war president. I want to be the peace president."

Bush has called himself a "war president" in leading the United States in a battle against terrorism brought about by the Sept. 11, 2001, attacks on America.

"I'm a war president. I make decisions here in the Oval Office in foreign policy matters with war on my mind," he said in February.

Bush could always try running the "peace" thing up the flagpole and seeing who gives him money salutes, but I think it's a mistake. Changing directions three months before the election probably isn't the best strategy, given his base of support.

The good news is, progress on Project Arcturus appears to be well ahead of schedule:

"For a while we were marching to war. Now we're marching to peace. ... America is a safer place. Four more years and America will be safe and the world will be more peaceful," Bush said.

Bush continued, "For in 2008 we will have completed construction of the Quantum Dome, which will be impervious to all forms of attack. The only drawback is you must stay within the confines of its mystical force field...forever! Moo hoo ha ha ha ha!" The President then wrapped his cape around himself and disappeared in a cloud of green smoke.

Anyway, I wish I was surprised by this tactic:

Bush and Cheney have sought to cast Kerry and Edwards as on the side of trial lawyers, who the president believes are responsible for a flood of personal injury litigation that burdens the courts and is costly to small business. Democrats get campaign contributions from trial lawyers, while many businesses tend to favor the Republicans.

"I'm not a lawyer, you'll be happy to hear," Bush said to cheers. "That's the other team. This is the pro-small business team."

Bush's early 20s must be hazier than we thought if he doesn't even remember applying to law school.

"I am sure there is a place for young George Bush somewhere. However, in light of his grades on the LSAT exams, that place is not the School of Law at the University of Texas." - Dean Page Keeton, University of Texas Law School

And Bush is obviously operating from some definition of "small business" of which I was not previously aware.

"That's democracy for you."

In the latest news from the celebrity voting front, it would seem that not all of those Hollywood types are rabid political animals:

Shamefaced Matt Damon has confessed he has never voted, even though best pal Ben Affleck is a leading celebrity Democrat. While Affleck makes plans to hit the campaign trail with Democrat presidential hopeful John Kerry, Damon reveals he always felt his vote meant nothing. The actor says, "My reasoning has always been - and this is the worst thing to say - that because I'm from Massachusetts, everyone I would have ever voted for didn't need my vote. That's changing now because of where we're going in this country (America)." Damon insists he'll be the among the first Bostonians registering to vote in November.

Where, once again, his vote won't matter. Someone from The Smoking Gun must've been sniffing around.

I've had this discussion with acquaintances of mine, pointing out that - while their vote in the Presidential election may not have that big an impact - there are always state and local elections that have some impact on their lives.[1] Damon's a Harvard boy, though, and presumably they teach such things in the Ivy League.

At least Damon is properly chagrined by his laziness, and plans to vote his conscience. Unlike, say Jessica Alba:

"...I just don't have a great feeling about what we're doing in Iraq. I don't know why we're there. Didn't we just give the power back over there? Why are we still there?" Even though Alba disapproves of US President George W. Bush's actions, she is still unsure of whether to vote against him in the upcoming November presidential elections. She adds, "I don't want to upset my family. My family believes the opposite of what I believe. They're all Republicans."

Here's an idea: mix in a newspaper with your Us Weekly once in a while.

The "My family votes X, so I must as well" went out of fashion about 40 years ago, however. I don't think I'd have a big problem telling Mom and Dad to cram it after buying them a new house, but all families are different, I suppose.

[1]That I actually have to tell adults such a thing is another issue entirely.

Pu-yah

How long can the Albert Pujols and the Cards keep up the pace?

CHICAGO -- Albert Pujols' third homer on a testy Tuesday at Wrigley Field brought the St. Louis Cardinals all the way back and sent the Chicago Cubs to a crushing defeat.

"It was the first time I've hit three home runs and it came at the right time," Pujols said after his shot in the ninth helped the Cardinals to an 11-8 comeback victory.

"It's one of those days you never forget."

Pujols went 5-for-5 with a double and five RBIs, helping St. Louis rally from a six-run deficit in the final meeting of the season between the heated rivals. The Cardinals left town with a 10-game lead over the third-place Cubs in the NL Central.
...
Pujols had an RBI double in the first, hit his 25th homer in the third, No. 26 in the seventh off Kyle Farnsworth and then his 27th in the ninth. It was his first three-homer game.

Nice to see the exclamation point put on the last series of the year with the Cubs after last night's bush league crap by Zambrano. It's just a shame the two teams don't meet anymore this season. Cubs-Cards is right up there with Yankees-Red Sox for one of the best rivalries in baseball, in my opinion.

Tour de Lance 2004 - Update

All over but le shouting?

VILLARD-DE-LANS, France -- Lance Armstrong retook the overall lead in the Tour de France on Tuesday, outsprinting his top two challengers to win the first stage in the Alps and close in on a record sixth straight title.

Armstrong moved past Ivan Basso and 1997 Tour champion Jan Ullrich in the curves before the closing stretch to claim his second stage victory in the 2004 Tour and the 18th of his illustrious career. He also has won two team time trials.
...
[Thomas Vieckler] held on until Tuesday, having bravely and narrowly defended his advantage in the Pyrenees. Armstrong entered those mountains trailing by nine minutes and whittled that down to 22 seconds heading to the Alps.

I remember some sports types speculating that nine minutes might be too much to overcome, and I had doubts myself. That's what I get for thinking.

Ullrich is a non-factor at this point (off the lead by 6:54), and probably won't even have the dubious honor of coming in second for the 6th straight year. Around the third time it happened, you'd think the guy would've clued in to the benefits of year-round training. By the sound of it, that Basso kid has, but Armstrong isn't moving aside yet:

Five-time Tour runner-up Ullrich's bid to dethrone Armstrong was hurt in the Pyrenees, but Basso appeared to still have a shot after two weeks of punishing racing.

Neither Ullrich nor Basso, though, had the strength to stay with Armstrong at the end of Tuesday's 112-mile ride from Valreas to Villard-de-Lans, which included seven climbs, in heat topping 85 degrees.

He leads Basso by 1:25. Barring a crash or, I don't know...meteor collision or something, it looks like Armstrong's got it.

UPDATE: Thanks to Scott for pointing me at this great picture of an Armstrong supporter in France. In a Houston Texans jersey, no less.

"I thought only assholes used the word 'pansy.'"

What's all the whining about, you sissies?

SACRAMENTO, CALIF. - California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger is refusing to apologize for calling Democrats who oppose his tough state budget "girlie men," a label foes say is sexist and homophobic.

The action film star turned politician made the remark Saturday as he told a shopping-mall crowd that the Democrats didn't have "the guts" to turn down the threats of special interest groups such as unions and trial lawyers.

Oh, that.

So Governor Schwarzenegger uses the time-honored political tactic of quoting TV and questioning one's masculinity ("Where's the beef?") to go after his opponents. In the process, he uses a term that could certainly be construed as offensive by gays and men incapable of throwing a football. So how do the Democrats respond?

Democratic State Senator Sheila Kuehl called Schwarzenegger's remark "blatant homophobia," adding: "It uses an image that is associated with gay men in an insulting way, and it was supposed to be an insult."

Other political opponents said the remark illustrates what they call the governor's tendency to be a bully when things do not go his way.

A spokesperson for Schwarzenegger said he has no intention of apologizing.

Several California newspaper op-ed columns echoed Senator Kuehl's homophobia slam, thereby also missing the point. Of course he's not going to apologize: there hasn't been a scene of true repentance in any of his movies (his faux apology to his groping accusers doesn't count, either). And since the man is incapable of speaking off the cuff unless he can trot out another line of his own creaky dialogue, I wouldn't hold my breath. I mean, how many times has he used that stupid "Terminator" joke? 500? A thousand?

Schwarzenegger has made anti-gay comments his entire life, and the voters of the state put him in office anyway. Attacking him for homophobia now is like closing the door to Abercrombie & Fitch after the hairstylist has left, and going on about the Governor's comments only allows the focus of the budget debate to shift from salient questions of policy to letting TV news directors and radio DJs dust off their old "Hans and Franz" tapes. California Dems are dropping the ball.

Hark, I hear someone trotting out another old chestnut:

Yet the "girlie men" line has sparked criticism even from Schwarzenegger's fellow Republicans. "Of course it's not a good idea; liberals don't have a sense of humor," Republican State Senator Tom McClintock said in an interview.

Rather than point out that there hasn't been a funny conservative comedian since...well...ever, I'd just like to congratulate McClintock on being able to put on a happy face after a political career marked by overwhelming failure (unsuccessful bids for Congress in 1992 and state controller in 1994 and 2002 to go along with his defeat in the recall election of 2003).

Chin up, Tom.

Bad TV Ponderings - Six Feet Under

I'm done with Six Feet Under.

My entry from about a month ago mentioned the show's recent problem of veering away from its comedic roots in order to plunge the characters into misery (Lisa's death, Claire's disastrous string of boyfriends/lovers, and David and Keith's unendingly on again-off again relationship, to name a few examples). This week's episode might have finally sent me away for good, however.

For starters, I understand the grieving Nate is going through a lot right now, but wouldn't the wise move - from an alleged black comedy standpoint - be to put that in the background for a little while instead of focusing on what a pathetic wretch the man's becoming? Throwing this red herring out there about the possibility of Lisa being alive is just further torture for the character,

I don't see much humor in Ruth's new marriage either, except that - Babe aside - James Cromwell's past acting roles are making it hard to believe the man is going to turn out to be anything less than a Grade A bastard. I mean, what do you have to do to your son to get him to mail his own shit to you? I think the worst I ever did to my old man was teabag his Stroh's.[1]

And as funny as I may find it, there's no way Rico inexplicably playing house with a stripper is going to end well. Finally, does anybody really belive Brenda's relationship with the bad guy from Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle[2] is going to last?

Truth be told, I probably would've continued to put up with that stuff. The few bright spots (read: laughs) this season have come from David's experiences as a bodyguard and Brenda's manipulative uber-bitch of a mother. But this latest episode may just have put me off for good. The final half hour was nothing more than the adventures of David and the guy he stupidly gave a lift to as his passenger: robs him; beats him; makes him smoke crack; beats him some more; then steals his van and leaves him in a Long Beach alley. Not only was the audience subjected to 30 minutes of pointless sadism (and David's incredible inability to escape, even after the time the shmuck got out of the van without him, or the other time David got the drop on him and made the guy lose his gun), but - if the previews are to be believed - we can look forward to episode upon excruciating episode of David's PTSD. Not a lot of laughs there, I predict.

Maybe this was Alan Poul's vision all along, gradually turning what was once a darkly amusing show into a weekly cavalcade of angst and physical or emotional brutality. If so, I wish him and his show luck. For now, I can finally get caught up on Arrested Development.

[1] Just kidding. Dad drank Bud.
[2] Maybe if it was Demi Moore.

"So all those things I think when I'm drunk are true!"
"Yes, except the Dave Matthews Band does not rock."

The otherwise inoffensive Dave Matthews Band has a strange effect on the people of Hartford (via Fark):

(Hartford) - Eyewitness News has new information on the riot that broke out at the Dave Matthews concert in Hartford last night.

Police used tear gas and sting balls to break up a fight in the Jai Alai parking lot.

To paraphrase Robin Williams playing Adrian Cronauer, "I didn't know he had balls."

Onward.

Eyewitnesses say people were throwing bottles and rocks at each other.

Twenty-five people were arrested on charges of inciting a riot, assault and breach of peace.
...
The scene reminded everyone of another riot at the Meadows five years ago.

People fought, threw objects and burned cars at that Dave Matthews concert.

Now that's concise reporting. As for the DMB out-Bizkiting Fred Durst and his ilk, I'd have to surmise that the otherwise mellow Matthews fans finally had enough of $6 bottles of water and $14 service charges for their tickets.

And I hear they were confiscating bota bags at the gate.

Shyam-poo

Even if the Sci Fi Network hadn't admitted to its fakery in putting together "The Buried Secret of M. Night Shyamalan," an alleged documentary about Shyamalan and his supposed supernatural connections, the unrealistic premise and poor performances would've given it away soon enough. How do I know this? Because The Wife and I sat through all three hours of the damn thing tonight with absolutely no knowledge of the network's admission, and pegged it as a fake from about 20 minutes in.

The network announced in December that the reclusive Shyamalan, maker of "The Sixth Sense" and "Signs," had agreed to participate in a documentary about his life to run in connection with this summer's release of his new movie, "The Village."

Sci Fi said last month, however, that Shyamalan had soured on the documentary when the questions got too personal. Documentarians Nathaniel Kahn and Callum Greene pressed on and made a three-hour film, "The Buried Secret of M. Night Shyamalan," without his cooperation, the network said.

The Associated Press wrote about the documentary last month, and other media also ran accounts. In an interview, Greene described how Shyamalan's "cooperation dried up." A network spokesman told the AP that Sci Fi was confident it had legal grounds to air the film and would probably never work with Shyamalan again.

In a news release, Sci Fi said Shyamalan had attempted to shut down production of the "disturbing expose."

It was all a lie, and there is no buried secret, [network president Bonnie] Hammer said Friday.

It's hard to say who comes off looking worse: Shyamalan himself - convincing enough as an annoyed artiste, the filmmakers - who are so ham-handed in their investigative techniques they torpedo any possibility of credibility, or celebs like Johnny Depp and Adrien Brody - going along with the gag and either playing it beautifully (Depp) or atrociously (Brody).

"Guerilla marketing," as the article calls it, only works when the effort is subtle enough to carry the whiff of legitimacy. "The Buried Secret" never had a chance, forcing every supposed startling fact down the audience's throat and stretching an already shopworn storyline out to fill three hours.

Weak writing, lousy acting, and a dull story...sounds like just about all of the Sci Fi Channel's original programming.

OG burrito update

The guy at my local burrito join who looks like Suge Knight but I'm pretty sure is Not Suge Knight made my burrito today.

PVH: Could I get that cut in half?
NSK: I don't think so, man. It's pretty soggy.
PVH: Yeah, my wife doesn't like the rice, so that tends to happen.
NSK: ...
PVH: So, I guess that's a negative.
NSK: Not unless you've got anything else to cut.
PVH: Not on me, no.

I've rationalized my cowardice by realizing it was a pretty soggy burrito.

Smelly Cinderelly

My all-new, not-so-different review of A Cinderella Story is online now at Film Threat.

Not much to add. I think I purged most of the vitriol in the review itself.

¡APCB Contest!

[However, unlike the caption contest, this one actually has a prize]

As sometimes happens in the film reviewing gig, I get scheduled for two screenings on the same night. Such is the case next week, when both The Bourne Supremacy and Catwoman are showing Tuesday evening.

Normally, I'm a sucker for bad films, and the prospect of watching Halle Berry non-act for 90 minutes while wielding a bullwhip and fighting on rooftops in stiletto heels would be too much to pass up. Thing is, I liked the first Bourne movie (and I'm still trying to convince Franka Potente that it's perfectly legal to marry two women in the States[1]). Point being, I'm going to The Bourne Supremacy, leaving me with a 2-person pass for Catwoman I can't use. I'm going to have to limit entry to Houston residents, unless you really, really want to travel here to see the film, then I guess we'll work something out.

It's Tuesday night, 7:30 PM, at the Edwards Grand Palace on Wesleyan near 59. First person to e-mail me at general_buck_vh@yahoo.com and answer the following question gets the pass:

Halle Berry is the only "official" Bond girl to win an Academy Award. Which "unofficial" Bond girl (not in one of the 20 recognized films) has also won an Oscar?

Winner will be announced at 3:00 PM CST. We can work out the details of handing off the pass later.

[1] Now I just have to convince The Wife.

UPDATE: We have a wiener...and it's Andy (HWRNMNBSOL). Whether you actually want to see the film or would rather just use the pass as especially glossy toilet paper is up to you.

The answer, by the way, is Kim Basinger. She played Domino Petachi in Never Say Never Again, which is not part of the Bond franchise. Basinger won Best Supporting Actress for L.A. Confidential.

Jason had an interesting answer, putting forth Deborah Kerr of Casino Royale, who won a lifetime achievement Oscar of some sort. If it came down to it, I'd rule that an actual performance win outranks special awards, but Andy was so much faster on the draw there wasn't much point.

Stay tuned for the next contest, where I'll be giving away Yu-Gi-Oh! passes.

Me, robot

Review for Will Smith's latest action-packed gonzo summer spectacular up at Film Threat. The (possibly) surprising news is, it doesn't suck. The (wholly) unsurprising news is, it has about as much to do with Asimov as "All My Circuits."

Oh, and my review for A Cinderella Story should be up later today or tomorrow. If you can't spare the time to read it, just go to your local Home Depot, find one of those big rip hammers, and strike yourself on the head until you lose consciousness. That's pretty much the gist of the film.

"Michael Rennie was ill the day the earth stood still"

Fark has a link to someone's list of the 10 Dumbest Moments in Science Fiction Cinema:

10. Imperial walkers attack the rebels - The Empire Strikes Back
9. The aliens need "signs" - Signs
8. John Hurt feels better, so opts for breakfast - Alien
7. Skynet sends a new and improved Terminator - Terminator 2: Judgement Day
6. Will Smith uploads a virus to save the world - Independence Day
5. Dr. Brundle tries out his fly machine - The Fly
4. Velociraptors come off as geniuses - Jurassic Park
3. Agents throw punches at Neo - The Matrix
2. Superman turns back time - Superman
1. Jodie Foster and company pass the alien MENSA test - Contact

Regular readers will realize this is not something I can let stand...

10. The author says: "So, the same company that brings you the dark side of the force and the death star decides that tall, slow, off balance elephant thingies with laser beam-shooting tusks are the best way to ferret out the rebels from their underground fortress?"

Leaving aside the question of whether the Star Wars movies count as sci-fi ("It's the ship that made the Kessel Run in less than twelve parsecs."), the coolness of the AT-ATs advancing on Hoth outweighs the question of their strategic value. Of course, the generator providing the shield against bombardment could only be taken out from the ground anyway. Oh, and can anyone say, "midichlorians?" Or,"teddy bear creatures with sticks and rocks defeating the most impressive military in the universe?" Or, "Why the hell are we wearing this lousy armor when all it seems to do is prevent us from shooting straight?"

I knew you could.

9. The author says: So many sci-fi fans have heard this one that it's almost bad form to mention it, but the blunder is pretty simple: Aliens navigate the vastness of space and find life on a puny planet. Then it turns out they need cornfields on that puny planet to point them to fresh meat.

You can argue that Shyamalan isn't so much making a science fiction movie as he is an allegory about love and family. All the same, this isn't the one I've heard fans talk about. The fact that aquaphobic aliens landed on a planet 3/4-covered by water is.

8. The author says: "Oh, thank goodness the acid-blooded crab thing fell off my face. Hey, do I smell scrambled eggs?" Despite a ship full of highly-intelligent technical and science people, the crew of the Nostromo decides not to quarantine their alien-toting buddy long enough to make sure there were no problems along the lines of, say, stomach erupting alien babies.

Which "highly-intelligent technical and science people" are you talking about? The android who wanted the alien on board in the first place? The officers (who were technical in the respect they could run the Nostromo, I guess)? Or the ship's crew, who who more concerned with their cut than some xenomorph? It's all irrelevant, though, because Alien is still one of the scariest movies ever made.

7. The author says: There were at least 50 smarter, easier alternatives to whacking Sarah Conner and her unborn son other than sending back the hit-machine to the land of big hair. And after screwing up the first time, why would they try again after Sarah has had years to train both herself and her military mastermind child?

Meh. I tend not to think too hard about time-travel movies (to my mind, the best treatments of the subject are the Simpsons Treehouse of Horror episode "Time and Punishment" and Army of Darkness). My understanding on this one is, the further back one goes in time, the greater the chance of doing something that could actually erase your existence. I liken it to the goalie coming out of the crease to take away the angle of a guy on a fast break: the matchup seems easier, but one miscalculation and the biscuit's in the basket, to use a technical and scientific term.

Anyway, if I had to go off on Terminator movies, I'd ask how a shotgun can consistently knock a cyborg that weighs almost half a ton off its feet.

6. The author says: "Independence Day" had already lost all credibility when Will Smith climbed into an alien spacecraft and after a few moments, figured out how to fly the thing. But dumb turns to laugh-out-loud ludicrous when Will conquers the aliens with a floppy disk, in an absurd homage to "War of the Worlds."

Too easy. Independence Day was crap, but it looks like 2001: A Space Odyssey compared to Armageddon.

5. The author says: Jeff Goldblum's character is smart enough to defy physics and biology in every conceivable way, including appearing attractive to Geena Davis, but he isn't smart enough to keep his equipment free of household pests.

He could've sprayed a little Hot Shot in there, but who wouldn't have gotten into that thing? Science fiction and horror movies are filled with scientists who probably tampered with Things Better Left Alone. But, in news that might come as a shock to the author...real scientists do this, too.

4. The author says: Jaws was a thoughtless eating machine and scared the swim trunks off of us, so why did we need dinosaurs fresh from the debate club?

Dude, a mechanical shark was certainly scary in 1975, but are you actually skipping over the whole "frog DNA splice" angle to complain about how smart the velociraptors were? Why not complain about how they were too big, while you're at it? Hell, how can you ignore the eye-gouging abomination that was The Lost World?

3. The author says: Anything that happens to you in the Matrix happens to you for real, right? Thus verifying the theory that if you die in your dream, you're really dead. So why then do the Agents decide that shotguns and kung-fu are the best way to take out Neo?

Once again, you picked the wrong movie in the franchise to criticize. How about in Reloaded, where Neo - obviously capable of flight - bothers to engage in these twenty minute brawls in the first place. Or when the citizens of Zion, facing certain destruction, decide to throw a rave?

2. The author says: This is the classic problem with any time travel plot. If Superman can turn back time, why not turn it back a few years, find Lex Luthor, and break a few fingers? Instead, Superman turns back the clock just enough to save Lois from a not-so-shallow grave.

I have absolutely no problem with this one. It was one of the defining moments of Superman's character in that film.

Again, this gets on the list and Superman 3 and The Quest for Peace don't even get a sniff?

1. The author says: Intelligent creatures from across the universe go to great lengths to let humanity know they exist in an otherwise great movie called "Contact." Life from distant galaxies intelligent enough to capture our rays, translate them, then dramatically send us the blueprints for a wormhole machine, somehow found it necessary to put those blueprints on a flattened piece of origami.

Jesus, this is a top 10? The author must've needed an extra paycheck, because this reads like something I'd write two hours before deadline with no reference materials. I'm not going to construct an alternate list, but I can't believe Contact gets slagged and these movies get a pass (spoilers follow):

> Spider-Man 2 - Can you "put out" a fusion reactor by dunking it in a river?
> The entirety of the movies Lost in Space, Armageddon, The Core, Godzilla, and Battlefield Earth
> Using ground troops instead of massive orbital bombardment against a barren planet filled with giant bugs in Starship Troopers
> After spending the entire second half of Aliens making sure Newt and Hicks survive the experience, they're killed off before the opening credits roll in Alien 3
> An alligator waits submerged in a chlorine-filled pool to chomp on little kids jumping off the diving board - Alligator
> Driving into ground zero less than an hour after a nuclear explosion in The Sum of All Fears (not sci-fi, I know, but come on)

That's enough for tonight. Anyone else?

"Give me the Satan-worshipping family down the block. The one with the good albums."

I've been seeing Blogads on a lot of people's sites lately. They won't show up here because most of the ones I've seen are for obnoxious crap, I don't really need the money, and (here's the rub) I suspect my traffic levels aren't high enough to garner any interest.

Some of the ones out there are pretty amusing though. For example, I noticed an ad the other day for a CD called "Rock for Americans" (not to be confused with Night Ranger's "(You Can) Still Rock in America," which is rock like rock is meant to be: rockin'). I didn't click the link, at first, because the text of the ad told me all I needed to know:

"Hard Rock for the Hard Right! Hear the underground hits: 'Hunt 'em Down and Kill 'em,' 'When in Doubt, Wipe 'em Out,' 'Useless Idiot,' and may other soon to be classics."

And here I always thought "Hunt 'em Down and Kill 'em" was a Skrewdriver song. To clear things up, I went to the, uh, "artist's" web site to see what other gems there were to be had. The opening blurb hooked me right away:

Frank Looby's "Rock for Americans" is for those Americans who love Toby Keith's Shock'N Y'all album, but want to be inspired while practicing their air guitar, not chewing on a toothpick. With the vocal style of a Lou Reed or an Iggy Pop, Looby dictates his views on terrorism, liberals, 9-11, his love for the flag and more current political hotspots.

In other words, those Americans who not only love bowel-clenchingly awful country music, but also enjoy listenening to off-key, monotone vocals. As for his views, I'm going out on a limb and guessing he's against terrorism, liberals, and 9-11.

It would be petty of me to note that he misspells "idiot" on his bio page. So I won't.

As for the music, in the synopsis for "Red, White and Blue" he remarks:

"As a conservative there's nothing more upsetting than seeing our young soldiers, many from lower income/immigrant families, risking it all in some third world hell-hole; then seeing some good looking, multi-millionaire actor bitch and moan about our country."

Knowing our multimillionaire Congresspeople keep their children out of harm's way while voting to send those young soldiers to some "third world hell-hole" obviously doesn't bother him.

All this on the same page where he talks about how his high lottery number kept him out of Vietnam. Sweet.

Then there's "Pig in a Pants Suit:"

"Where do you start when the subject is Hillary? I started by writing down all the scandals/creepy stuff she is known for, hoping to get inspired. Then I decided to have a song that simply lists all the creepy stuff."

Sort of a "We Didn't Start the Fire" for the Ken Starr crowd. I am continuously baffled by the depth of hatred for Hillary Clinton, but I guess it'll teach you future First Ladies to think twice before having the temerity to discuss policy. Now go make us a sandwich.

I gave a few of these samples a listen so you wouldn't have to, and yeeesh. I needed a little Michael Bolton to cleanse my palate. If the right wants to make any headway in the ongoing "culture wars," they need to start putting out better efforts than this.

Would it also be bad form to mention that he also misspells "essay?" Okay, then I won't.

Skanks for the memories

['Old fart' mode initialized]

So there I am, waiting for the promo screening of A Cinderella Story to start (Pete's capsule review: "An insult to the intelligence of 12-year olds everywhere"), and taking note of the fact that, aside from a few parents and the Security guys, I am quite possibly the oldest person there.

No big deal. I noticed a similar trend at New York Minute, after all. What was surprising was the manner of attire sported by the tweens in attendance. I'll tell you right now, I may hate her music, but I fervently hope my daughter is a big fan of Avril Lavigne's and not, say, into Britney or Christina or whatever the equivalent will be in ten years. I can handle her swiping the neckties from my closet if it means she won't be wearing an outfit copped from "Jade" at the Cheetah Club.

I decided there were three possible reasons these little hoochies were able to appear in public.

One: they leave the house in normal garb and change into little Bree Daniels in the car on the way to the theater. This one's pretty normal, and has been going on since long before I was ever in the company of girls who did such things.

Two: They're orphans...because no way no how are Mom and/or Dad letting their little 14-year old princess leave the house in low-rider jeans with a fer Chrissakes thong peeking out of the back. I personally have yet to run across a store that sells T-backs in children's size 12.

Three: I am a clueless boob who - like the guy who just gave up smoking and annoyingly lectures all his friends about the dangers of tobacco - is only now becoming aware of this hoary phenomenon because of my own recent fatherhood.

['Old fart' mode disengaged]

Now where was I? Oh yeah, Clemens sure got rocked in the All-Star Game, didn't he?

Uno!

Hard as it is for proponents of rational discourse to believe, A Perfectly Cromulent Blog has been around for one whole year. 600+ entries after the fact and about all I can tell you with any certainty - judging by the hits I get from searches for "perfectly cromulent" - is that someone else would've stolen the name before too long. Once The Simpsons cease production, I'll probably have to change it to something with the word "rant" in the title to stay "dope," as the kids say.

Thanks to everyone who's offered advice/constructive criticism/nude pictures. And thanks to all 17 of you who have [read/commented/snickered behind my back at/notified the Secret Service about/unceremoniously delinked] my blog. You help maintain the illusion that anyone reads this...keep it up.

Someone asked before what an appropriate gift was for the first anniversary of someone's blog. If it's anything more elaborate than a virtual kick in the pants, I'd say you paid too much. Feel free to leave a comment, though.

And keep sending those nude pictures.

I for one welcome our ape overlords

Nothing bad ever came from sticking things in monkey brains, right ? [Thanks to The Thing that Walks Like a Man, who doesn't get any more love here until he answers his frigging e-mail]

Brain implants have been used to "read the minds" of monkeys to predict what they are about to do and even how enthusiastic they are about doing it.

It is the first time such high level cognitive brain signals have been
decoded and could ultimately lead to more natural thought-activated
prosthetic devices for people with paralysis, says Richard Andersen project
leader at the California Institute of Technology, in Pasadena, US.

I've read enough. Sure, now we're able to control the monkeys' actions, but what happens when Skynet disables the global defense grid and takes command of worldwide electronic systems?

That's right: monkey terminators.

Somebody get James Cameron and/or Charlton Heston on the phone.

Strangest comic book movie rumor of the week

"In brightest day, in blackest night,
No evil shall escape my sight!
All those who worship evil's might,
Let 'em riot, we're Sonic fucking Death Monkey."

Yeah, that doesn't sound quite right to me either:

Not only is the planned "Green Lantern" movie featuring the Kyle Raynor[sic] Green Lantern character, but the executive in charge of making the Green Lantern movie wants to make it a comedy. The choice for the ring bearer?

Jack Black.

That's some rumor, and one I really can't take with a salt lick, much less a grain of the stuff.

Although...Green Lantern is a pretty weird character. I mean, his power ring was powerless against the color yellow (and I never understood why DC didn't go for the obvious crossover appeal and make Big Bird his arch-nemesis). Hell, Alan Scott's (the Golden Age GL) ring was powerless against frigging wood. The thing had to be recharged every damn day, and the best GL - Hal Jordan - went apeshit and destroyed the entire Green Lantern Corps. Good times.

So maybe JB would work. Even better, bring Kyle Gass in as Sinestro and have them use their rings to form twin guitars with which to lay down some tasty grooves.

"I said, 'I really like your shoes.'"

Tee hee:

Efforts by former Philippine first lady Imelda Marcos to prevent the release of a film about her from being shown in her native country were frustrated Monday when a Philippine court lifted an injunction against its screening. The film, titled Imelda, had been scheduled to open last week, but Marcos won an injunction after claiming that she had only given her permission for the filmmaker, Ramona Diaz, to use it for a college thesis. But Judge Maria Cristina Cornejo held that Marcos had signed a document permitting the movie's release. Following the ruling, Marcos released a statement saying that she was dropping the case "in the spirit of freedom and everyone's right to bear respective perception."

If Imelda's 180 there sounds odd, you really need to see the movie. The amount of doublespeak she lets loose will give you shaken baby syndrome. I do have some minor interest in this, because (shill alert) I saw the movie at Sundance (review here) and had occasion to tell Ms. Diaz how much I enjoyed it.

It's no wonder Imelda wanted the film's release blocked. The woman has a disconnect from reality I can't begin to describe. I spent 2/3 of the screening with my mouth hanging open at the amazingly insane things coming out of her mouth and the rest of the time marveling that she allowed Diaz to film her at all. Yeah, they talk about the shoes, but the interviews with ex-U.S. officials and others about the strategic alliance with the Philippines and how it led to the Marcoses' rise to power are the real treat here.

Texas Tuesdays - 07/13/2004

This week's edition of Texas Tuesdays takes a look at Jeanette Popp, running for Texas House District 99. Her background's pretty compelling, and as for why she's decided to run:

After a year of consideration, I decided to run for office because I could no longer sit idly by and watch as our state deteriorated into an empire, not governed but ruled. I knew from my own life experience that without a fair start a child probably wouldn't have a chance at success. I knew from the murder of my daughter, and the conviction and imprisonment of two innocent men for twelve years that our judicial system needed a serious overhaul. This case included police misconduct, coerced confession, and cost the states taxpayer's $14,000,000.00 in settlements to these men. I knew I could just let it go, or I could stand up for what I believe regardless of the consequences.

More of her interview can be found here.

"This is a job for Green Lantern, Thundra, or possibly Ghost Rider."
"What about Superman?"
"Oh, please."

There's one helluva comic book auction taking place on eBay right now:

The nicest book in the collection is a restored Superman 1 CGC graded 7.5 VF-. This one book alone has an unrestored guide value of $110,000 in this grade, and a restored guide value of just under $30,000!

There is also a restored Batman 1 CGC 8.0 VF with a guide value of roughly $15,000 which is included if the Buy It Now price is used.

There are also a small number of other Golden age comics in the collection including a Wonder Woman 1 (NM guide value: $34,000), a Human Torch 1 (NM guide value: $44,000), a few early issues of Action Comics going back to issue #9, early issues of Marvel Mystery comics going back to issue 17, an All Star 6 a Green Lantern 3 and a handful of other early Golden age comics.

I don't follow the Overstreet auction updates, but are restored versions of comics like Superman or Batman #1 really that sought after?

Not like it matters, as I have a moral objection to spending more than $15 on a comic book...okay, more like a checking account objection.

The meat of the auction seems to be the guy's Silver Age stuff, though:

2 Copies of Amazing Fantasy 15 (both low grade unfortunately)
3 copies of Amazing Spider-man 1
5 copies of Uncanny X-men 1
3 copies each of Hulk 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 (except there are 4 copies of issue 2 and only 2 copies of issue 6)
Fantastic Four 1
2 copies of Fantastic Four 5 (1st Doctor Doom)
5 copies of Fantastic Four 48 (1st Galactus and Silver Surfer)
3 copies of Tales of Suspense 39 (1st Iron Man)
2 copies of Journey Into Mystery 83 (1st Thor)
Showcase 4 (1st Silver age comic, first Silver age Flash)
Daredevil 1
Avengers 1
2 copies of Avengers 4 (1st Silver age Captain America)
Justice League of America 1
Action Comics 252 (1st Supergirl)
multiple copies of Iron Man 1 and Captain America 100.

The auction's description says there are something like 200,000 comics up for grabs here, which is just wonderfully ridiculous. I have one closet taken up with long boxes now - something on the order of 3,000 comics - and that's peanuts compared to friends of mine. I'd have to rent a storage unit for 200K titles.

And I'd have to live in it, as The Wife would have changed the locks by the time I got off the phone after informing her of the purchase.

Is Joel Schumacher available?

It's been noted elsewhere, but in case you hadn't heard, McG is no longer attached as director to the upcoming Superman movie.

McG (née Joseph McGinty Nicol) has bowed out as director of Warner Bros.' upcoming Superman sequel, citing disagreement with the studio over budgetary roll-backs. Initially, plans called for the film to be shot in New York City, but when Warner Bros. accountants determined that filming in Australia could cut tens of millions of dollars from the costs, production was moved to Sydney. In a statement on Saturday, McG said, "As a filmmaker, I felt it was inappropriate to try to capture the heart of America on another continent."

As a film watcher, I feel that McG (a nickname he probably gave himself, in clear violation of nicknaming etiquette) referring to himself as a "filmmaker" is inappropriate. Two Charlie's Angels movies and an upcoming flick based on for-crying-out-loud Hot Wheels cars, as well as the mercifully short-lived Fastlane, may have established McG as the voice of today's attention-starved adolescent male, but the guy never had what it took to make Superman work.

He asserts that he wants to shoot a movie set "in America" in the United States, but I can almost guarantee that - as with most similar productions - Metropolis exteriors will be shot in NYC anyway, just like C.S.I. does the majority of its filming in Los Angeles but shoots exteriors in Vegas.

[Which solves the mystery on that show of how it always seems like every crime that takes place always occurs during the two months of the year when the characters can wear leather jackets outdoors without collapsing of heat prostration, but I digress...]

Regarding his budget concerns, how was this thing going to cost the studio $200 million? were they going to build a life-sized Krypton? Or bring Marlon Brando back from the dead to play Jor-El?

Meanwhile, no one can seem to agree on what happens next. IMDb is reporting Michael Bay is now helming the production, while Greg opines the movie likely won't open until 2007. Everyone from Jude Law to Ashton Kutcher has been linked to play the Big Blue Schoolboy, while Selma Blair and now Drew Barrymore are still in the running for Lois Lane.

Johnny Depp as Jor-El? Vin Diesel as Luthor? Brendan Fraser as...Ty-Zor? What the hell is a Ty-Zor? Stay tuned.

Reach for it

200 years after the incident, descendants of Aaron Burr and Alexander Hamilton staged a re-enactment of their ancestors' famous duel:

Antonio Burr, a descendant of Burr's cousin, arrived by rowboat in period costume and fired a replica of the .54-caliber pistol that mortally wounded Hamilton 200 years ago in the July 11, 1804 duel. Douglas Hamilton, a fifth-great-grandson of Hamilton, feigned the historic hip wound, dropping to one knee and then falling to the ground in a sitting position.

The event was the families' first meeting in two centuries.

"It wasn't something on my top 100 list, but it was nice to meet Antonio Burr," Douglas Hamilton said afterward. "He seems to be a very nice man, though I'm not sure I'm going to be on his Christmas card list."

Those were the days. The quality of political violence has really declined in this country, when you think about how long ago it was before something on the level of the Vice-President (Burr - setting the bar for the office so low Spiro Agnew would have a tough time stooping to it) squaring off with a signer of the Constitution (Hamilton).

I'm also fond of Preston Brook's Congressional cane-whipping of Charles Sumner in 1856.

Nowadays, we have to check out other countries like Russia and Indonesia for our political brawls. But not to worry, for I'm sure we Americans can look forward - in about 180 years - to descendants of Linda Evans and Joan Collins bringing the Krystle-Alexia catfights of Dynasty back to life. I'll take what I can get.

New Orleans is sinking, man

As a rule, I don't do well with bachelor parties. My own ended rather ignomniously with yours truly getting thrown out of a bar, while that of my friend Sven added some rather mysterious large sums to my corporate AmEx card (charges which single-handedly led to a company-wide change in credit card policies at my old job...thank you very much). Bearing this in mind, it was with some trepidation that I joined several lads for a bachelor outing in New Orleans this weekend.

I've written about the Big Sleazy here before. I'm already resolved to never coming during Mardi Gras. Trouble is - and whether by accident or design - they try to re-enact Mardi Gras every weekend now. Imagine my surprise/elation to discover the beads-for-breasts exchange program is now a year-round affair. Conveniently enough, I had some beads, so I hung out on the balcony of the Cat's Meow with a few of my fellow reprobates. I liken the whole thing to looking for shooting stars, because apparently unless you're focusing on precisely the right place at the right time you don't get to see anything. Probably for the best. For me, the most memorable event was getting a set of Dale Earnhardt beads thrown back at me.

"We're #24 people!" she shouted.

"Who's #24?" I asked someone.

"Jeff Gordon," came the helpful reply.

How stupid of me. It was about then that I gave the guy my #3 beads and went inside where it wasn't 92 degrees.

Bourbon Street is notable for things like 3-for-1 drink specials and tranny bars, along with the aforementioned bead barter program. The first example of the former we came across was a bar called Utopia, which featured the requisite obnoxious DJ, bouncers who could play for the Saints, and scantily clad waitress-types who served tube shots in a matter more befitting exotic dancers than true food service professionals. We were told the shots were kamikazes, but since our bachelor did at least 28 in a half hour, it was widely agreed that they were probably mineral water with a shot of Nyquil.

We didn't go into any tranny bars. That I recall.

Something new since my last excursion to New Orleans is the Harrah's situated a few blocks down from our hotel. Spent part of Saturday morning at the $10 blackjack table making back most of what I'd spent Friday, then exercised the better part of valor by retreating to the hotel bar for the rest of the afternoon to watch the Cards-Cubs game.

Indicative of either my advancing age or better sense, I didn't feel too bad Sunday. Here's one guy I'm pretty sure did, however:

Welcome to the Royal Navy. It must've been some initiation thing, as there were scads of these poor British bastards all over the place, dressed in lame pirate costumes and drawn-on eyepatches and the like. I bet the bouncer $5 he'd hit the ground in five minutes. He actually rallied, however.

And no New Orleans trip recap would be complete without a shot of my favorite combination gas station and casino in all of Sulphur, Louisiana: the Wagin' Cajun:

"Ash is a god damn rabbit!"

Here's your infrequent Angry Alien update. This time around it's Alien (fittingly enough), in 30 seconds, re-enacted by bunnies.

I actually once had a rabbit named Ash.

For my next trick

Who was it that said, "I can't stand that my own government makes me feel like a conspiracy theorist" (or words to that effect)? Stories like this might be one reason for that not so fresh feeling (via MetaFilter):

HOUSTON, July 8 - Military records that could help establish President Bush's whereabouts during his disputed service in the Texas Air National Guard more than 30 years ago have been inadvertently destroyed, according to the Pentagon.

It said the payroll records of "numerous service members," including former First Lt. Bush, had been ruined in 1996 and 1997 by the Defense Finance and Accounting Service during a project to salvage deteriorating microfilm. No back-up paper copies could be found, it added in notices dated June 25.

The destroyed records cover three months of a period in 1972 and 1973 when Mr. Bush's claims of service in Alabama are in question.

Wow. That's...convenient, I guess.

The lost payroll records stored in Denver might have answered some questions about whether he fulfilled his legal commitment, critics who have written about the subject said in interviews.

"Those are records we've all been interested in," said James Moore, author of a recent book, "Bush's War for Re-election," which takes a critical view of Mr. Bush's service record. "I think it's curious that the microfiche could resolve what days Mr. Bush worked and what days he was paid, and suddenly that is gone."

Yes. Curious.

I wonder if I can get the Defense Finance and Accounting Service to handle my college transcripts/disciplinary files from 1987-89, or the 1990 records from a certain Sheriff's department.

And we all know what "Richard" means

It means "dick:"

LOS ANGELES, California (AP) -- State Education Secretary Richard Riordan jokingly told a child her name, Isis, meant "stupid dirty girl," prompting the head of the California NAACP on Thursday to call for his resignation.

Riordan, the wealthy former Los Angeles mayor known for his support of public schools, startled even friends last week with the comments at a promotional event for summer reading at the Santa Barbara library.
...
The conversation, videotaped by KEYT-TV, took place July 1. The girl, 6-year-old Isis D'Luciano, asked Riordan if he knew her name meant "Egyptian goddess."

Riordan replied, "It means stupid dirty girl."

After nervous laughter in the room, the girl again told Riordan the meaning of her name.

"Hey, that's nifty," he said.

Beautiful. I can just picture Riordan saying that last line like Bill Murray from Groundhog Day, right before his lackey brought him another Dewar's and soda.

A day later, Riordan issued a statement that said he "teased" the girl. "I immediately apologized to her, and I want to do so again for the misunderstanding," Riordan said.

The governor's chief spokesman, Rob Stutzman, said Thursday Riordan had not been asked to resign and, "That's the end of the issue, as far as we are concerned."

The girl's mother, Trinity Lila of Goleta, said her daughter was fine, and she considered the issue over.

"Obviously it hurt her feelings, but she didn't take it personally. She knew he was wrong and she let it go," Lila said. "I'm not going to sue them for therapy bills."

I tend to side with those who think calling a little kid "stupid" isn't behavior one usually looks for in a State Education Secretary, but I find the attitude of the mother refreshing. Personally, I would've broken a chair over the bastard's head if he said the same thing to my little girl, but I like to think Lila explained to her daughter that Riordan was just a big poopyhead who's bitter because his enduring legacy will be as one of the few Karl Rove-backed candidates (for CA governor in 1997) who didn't win.

Then, in a perfect world, they'd go home, get some ice cream, and call upon the Egyptian god Set to give Riordan cancer.

This is what I can't figure out:

Democratic state Assemblyman Mervyn Dymally, who had scheduled a protest by civil rights organizations, canceled the demonstration after an apparent mix-up over the girl's racial background.

Dymally was quoted in the San Jose Mercury News Thursday saying the child was "a little African-American girl. Would he (Riordan) have done that to a white girl?"

The girl is white, with blonde hair.

Dymally did not return telephone calls. His office issued a statement Wednesday calling Riordan's remarks to the girl "outrageous and irresponsible," then issued another statement Thursday saying, "To err is human; to forgive is divine."

"Race is not a factor in this issue," Dymally said in Thursday's statement, adding that Riordan had apologized a second time. "It is time for us to move on."

Knee jerk much? I haven't seen a position reversed that quickly since Where the Boys Aren't 43. And race is obviously a factor if Dymally was prepared to lead a civil rights rally against Riordan. There's a nice message to send to your constituents: I'm prepared to call for massive demonstrations to protest the ill treatment of children - unless they're white, Asian, or Latino - then I'll just make some mealy-mouthed Bible quote and slink back out of the spotlight.

Riordan has obviously spent too much time in the rarefied air of Not the Real World for too long. You see this sort of behavior for the über-rich all the time, in their casual disdain for anyone beneath them and the assumption that they can get away with anything simply because of their status (see also John Rigas, William Kennedy Smith, Bernard Ebbers). Most times, unfortunately, they're right.

Then again, most times they don't make dumb ass comments like that on TV.

More entries from the insomnia file

I was listening to some old recordings of the Reverend Jim Jones earlier tonight (don't ask) and was struck by the similarities between his speaking/preaching styles and those of the late Sam Kinison. Both relied not only on the obvious evangelical method of getting their points across, but also on sheer volume. The two sound eerily alike as well.

Not to take away anything from Kinison, who was a gifted comedian, but nothing outdoes authentic insanity for effective oration.

Get offa my Yard

Our latest entry in the "I Have No Idea Why They're Remaking This Movie But I'm Going to Bitch About It Anyway" sweepstakes comes courtesy of Adam Sandler and Chris Rock. That's right, today we're talking about the sure-fire hilarious rehash of The Longest Yard (via Dark Horizons):

Former NFL players Brian Bosworth, Michael Irvin and Bill Romanowski have signed on for parts in Paramount/Sony's remake. The trio will be cast in the same positions they played while pro players. Bosworth and Romanowski will be linebackers on the team of prison guards while Irvin will play a wide receiver on the team of convicts

No word on if The Waterboy has a cameo.

Actual players were used in the original version as well (Mike Henry and Ray Nitschke among them), but the humor in casting Irvin as a convict will be lost on no one, I trust. Small matter that the Playmaker managed to avoid jail time for his various drug offenses. Of course, Romanowski probably injected himself with more crap before a single game than ever went up Irvin's nose.

But that's neither here not there. Aside from the fact that each and every Chris Rock film is a humor-devouring black hole (and that counts for most of his stand-up as well) and Adam Sandler's career has exhibited more valleys than peaks of late, I can't think of two leads more inappropriate for this. Burt Reynolds worked as Paul Crewe because you believed he could hold his own in prison and earn his fellow inmates' respect. Nothing in Sandler's repertoire makes me think he's capable of pulling that off.

I'm pretty sure Caretaker doesn't get into the movie's climactic football game, which is good for Rock. Otherwise they'd have to CGI about 125 pounds of muscle onto his body to make anybody think he could stand up to getting hit by Romo or Bosworth. Regardless, how much of Rock's braying brand of "comedy" will you be able to endure before reaching for an icepick to plunge into your eardrums?

But I could be wrong. Sandler could give a subtle performance, surprising in its depth and range of emotion. Rock could play an understated role, offering sage advice and the occasional wry aside. Anything's possible, I suppose, even from MTV Films.

Now excuse me while I flap my arms and fly to the moon.

"That's why you're the judge and I'm the...law talkin' guy."

Kerry picks Edwards, who was really the only choice (Lieberman? Gephardt? Come on, people). Now if he can just arrange for Edwards to speak at every engagement between now and November, Kerry may be good to go.

And this quote might be of interest to those in the Bush camp who feel the need to pile on Edwards for being a lawyer:

"I am sure there is a place for young George Bush somewhere. However, in light of his grades on the LSAT exams, that place is not the School of Law at the University of Texas." - Dean Page Keeton, University of Texas Law School

Bush isn't a lawyer, true, but not for lack of trying.

Thanks to Len for the quote.

Oh my god, they indicted Kenny

The big fish has finally been hooked:

Former Enron Chairman Ken Lay turned himself into the FBI this morning and was whisked away in handcuffs to Houston's federal courthouse to enter a plea to charges he committed fraud and lied to analysts and employees.
...
A spokesman for the Justice Department said the Lay faces 11 criminal counts, including securities, wire and bank fraud and making false and misleading statements.

Lay is expected to speak with reporters later today, but for now media from around the nation must make do with a written statement issued last night.

"I have done nothing wrong, and the indictment is not justified," Lay said in that news release.

Hahahaha. But seriously, CEOs paid as handsomely as Lay should assume a wee bit of accountability for the implosion of their companies. This "out of the loop" crap only works for politicians, dammit.

And if you needed further proof of the kind of privileges wealth will get you, check out the FBI agent escorting Lay to his court appearance:

Helloooooo, nurse. Why do I have the feeling if I ever get hauled into court by the FBI it's going to be a couple of 300-pound dudes with walrus moustaches and itchy taser fingers?

"Don't think, it can only hurt the ball club."

Extensive baseball meanderings follow. It'll only sting for a minute.

Less than a week until the All-Star Game here at historic Enr...Minute Maid Park. The latest news is that none other than Muhammad Ali will throw out the first pitch. Ali has some history in Houston, fighting here four times and also famously refusing induction at the Armed Forced Entrance Station downtown. Now, I loved Ali as a kid, and still respect the hell out of the guy, but...can he even throw a baseball? He had difficulty lighting the flame in Atlanta, and that was eight years ago. I'm not trying to be an ass, I'm honestly curious.

Naturally, most Houstonians are responding to all the All-Star hooplah with a resounding, "Huh?" in spite of local attempts to drum up interest. And in spite of Major League Baseball's lame pitch - a la the Super Bowl - to get people to do grunt work for free. In MLB's defense, at least All-Star Game volunteers are getting a pair of Astros tickets for the second half of the season. Super Bowl volunteers got zilch.

Not that Astros tickets are anything to crow about lately. Nine back in the division, and losing 2 of 3 to the lowly Padres, nothing's been clicking for them. Bagwell continues his decline, and the decision to eviscerate the bullpen to obtain Roger Clemens and now Carlos Beltran is looking less and less savvy. At this rate, the 'Stros will have to play above .600 the rest of the season to catch the Cardinals.

Ah yes, the Cardinals. 6-game winning streak, best record (for now) in MLB, and 20 games over .500. I'll take it, even if it doesn't last. Chris Carpenter (9-3) and Jason Marquis (8-4) have helped hold together a pitching staff notorious for injuries and crapping out down the stretch. Of course, there's plenty of time for that in the second half of the season. And Woody Williams didn't look too good last night, relying on a strong outing from Ray King and Isringhausen's 20th save. The Cards are playing great ball right now, so why do I feel like the whole thing's held together with duct tape?

The Cubs I can't figure out. Swept by the Brewers? The Brewers aren't that bad this year, but I remain unconvinced they're going to contend down the stretch. The Cubs, on the other hand, were co-favorites (with the Astros, I might add) to take the Division. On paper, they look like a good team (where the Cards look frankly average), and yet Chicago is now 6 back and floundering a bit.

Cinicinatti, after playing over its head for about a month, is finally showing its true colors and slipping back into the basement (and Griffey is making his usual amount of noise for this time of year, which is to say none). And it appears the Pirates are nestled comfortably in last. Not much reason to talk about them, I reckon.

Plenty of baseball left, but if the Cards play just .500 ball for the second half of the season, they'll end up with 91 wins. I think that might be good enough for the Central. This weekend's series against the Cubs in St. Louis should be a lot of fun.

"You believe any of that shit?"

As an examination of capitalist despair and one man's capacity for self-loathing, few things can beat this 3-minute outtake reel of an RV salesman gradually coming to terms with the universe and his place in it. Sprinkled liberally with profanity, of course.

Bootlegs of this have been floating around on VHS for years (usually under the name "Angry Man"). Glad someone finally got around to putting it online.

Tour de Lance 2004

I realize cycling doesn't get a lot of press over here, but I'm a Lance Armstrong fan and I'll be pulling for the guy to win an unprecedented 6th Tour de France this year.

Armstrong is 32, and no one older than 31 has ever won (that being Miguel Indurain in 1995). Old foes - perennial runner-up Jan Ullrich - and former teammates - 2003 iron man Tyler Hamilton, who finished fourth after racing with a broken collarbone - lie in wait (although Spain's Iban Mayo wiped out yesterday and is an almost insurmountable 4 minutes behind), and the course itself has been modified to make it as anti-Armstrong as possible:

To ensure an exciting race to equal last year, Tour organizers have pushed all the action into the second half of the three-week Tour. The first major mountain stage doesn't come until Stage 12 and all the decisive stages are sandwiched into a nine-day window.

"The last week looks really tough, the toughest we have ever done," said Armstrong, who will be starting his 10th career Tour. "It will be much better to have a stronger second half than a strong first half."

In another twist, gone is one of the long flat time trials that Armstrong has used as a springboard to grab an early lead. That's been replaced with a climbing time trial up the steep switchbacks at Alpe d'Huez in Stage 16.
...
New rules also limit how much time teams can lose in the critical team time trial to 2 minutes, 30 seconds. Perhaps not coincidentally, it's a stage that Armstrong's U.S. Postal Service team won last year and took more than three minutes out of rivals Simoni and Mayo.

Then there are the omnipresent doping allegations. I hope they come to nothing, and that neither Armstrong nor his team are so stupid that they'd allow his accomplishments to be tainted by the use of performance enhancers. I'm still optimistic enough to hope for the best, but I'm also cynical enough to be prepared for bad news.

In the meantime, go Lance. Maybe you can inspire Sheryl Crow to write some better music while you're at it.

I mean, "Soak Up the Sun" is just awful.

UPDATE: And so it begins...

Armstrong takes yellow jersey as US Postal win team time trial

Tanned, rested, and ready

More like burnt, harried, and woefully unprepared. That's right, I'm back from vacation. Let's not get all weepy.

And I've discovered that no trip taken with a 6 1/2 month old can properly be termed a "vacation." At least, not by my definition, which traditionally involves sleeping until 2 in the afternoon after doing tequila shots all night with that girl with the large Adam's apple by the pool.

Over a momentous several days which saw, among other things, the death of a Hollywood icon (and star of such films as Delta Force 3 and Tomboy), the...uh, impressive box office debut of a political documentary, and some compelling election news, there's a lot to catch up on. So, typically, I'm not even going to try.

More surprising to me than Kerry choosing Edwards (shock) or Marlon Brando finally slipping the surly bonds of his ponderous bulk (gasp) was my discovery - while eagerly reading about his latest marriage - that Dennis Quaid used to be hitched to Rock and Roll High School's P.J. Soles. If they'd wanted it to last, they would've waited until their third marriage, which (as Jenifer Lopez and Quaid himself will soon be able to prove to us) is the one that really means something.

My horrible traumatic ordeal and subsequent courageous decision to share it with the world

NOTE: APCB will be on hiatus while the author recovers from Portnoy's complaint. We hope to have him back some time next week. In the meantime, please enjoy this tale of mirth and woe.

Much has been made of this item about a Macon, GA woman threatening a teeange girl dressed as Chuck E. Cheese with a beating for not paying enough attention to her child:

Macon police reported that the 17-year-old female employee was dressed as the character — a gray cartoon-like rodent with large front teeth — when a 31-year-old Macon woman threw a piece of pizza at her Sunday afternoon.

The report stated that the mother then threatened to "whip" the girl when she changed out of costume.

The life of a corporate mascot is far from glamorous. During one of the many career valleys in my life, I myself was forced to wear a Coors Light BeerWolf costume - in Texas during the month of August - and stand on the side of the road so budding Seinfelds could pelt me with cigarette butts and (sometimes) empty cans. It takes a special person - one with few employment options, little to no self esteem, and a trauma victim's ability to physically detach from their surroundings - to don the full body suit with matching oversized head and not lapse into catatonic depression (provided you're not into that sort of thing in the first place, that is).

But we who sport the costumes of the damned aren't all saints in (heh) wolf's clothing, nor are we necessarily blameless. Those face-concealing masks afford opportunities to stare brazenly at that which would've (rightly) earned you a slap in the face were you not otherwise equipped. And while chafing is always a concern, there's certainly no Golden Rule that states you have to wear actual clothes beneath your suit.

I was never one to pay much attention during orientation sessions.

My peccadilloes aside, I have firsthand knowledge of the depths to which mascot behavior can sink. For not only has that abyss gazed into me, but it demolished a significant portion of my remaining youthful idealism and further assaulted my already shaky faith in certain institutions. All thanks to one insolent action in the spring of 1987.

That was when Minnie Mouse felt me up.

It was my senior year of high school. Alcohol-fueled paranoia and spiritual dissolution were still months away, at least, and for its annual spring trip, my high school band was going to California.

We only got to go out of state every four years, so I naturally found it pretty cool that the big excursion was taking place at the height of my popularity (which, as a band member, placed me somewhere above the Science Club and somewhere below the kid who carried a picture around of him sodomizing a sheep[1]). My group of senior friends and I would have the best bus seating assignments, the choicest hotel accomodations, and first crack at any narcotics purchases. We would, in the vernacular of the Pink Ladies, "rule the school."

All this, of course, was before The Incident.

The trip included all of California's cultural highlights: Knott's Berry Farm, Universal Studios, and Disneyland. The Magic Kingdom was saved for the last day, when we were all running on fumes following a week of underage drinking and late night grope sessions (one of my few moments of good judgement that trip came when I refused to enter the hot tub that already contained 16 people).

Anyway...Disneyland. For some odd reason, Walt's Cabal allowed us to march through the park that day. We assembled "behind the scenes" in preparation, and I got to illegally take photos of everything from secret Disneyland garbage to a guy in a Tigger costume (sans head) smoking a cigarette. The parade went off well, though most park patrons were doubtless confused as to why some random Central Texas high schoolers in dopey outfits were blocking access to the Matterhorn.

Afterwards, we resumed our normal slovenly apparel and wandered around the park. I managed to get pictures with Goofy and Donald Duck before a group of parents, angered that I had monopolized Donald and made their little rugrats cry, drove a group of us towards Main Street. Pausing to regroup, I noticed Snow White posing with some kids a ways down. Not wanting to incur the wrath of any more moms and/or dads, I decided to wait my turn. It was then that I felt it: a clumsy yet unmistakeable clutching of my posterior. Someone had just grabbed my ass.

At first, I assumed it was my girlfriend, as grabbing each other's rears is something I'm told men and women who like each other very much sometimes do. It also explains why I was slow to turn around, not wanting to give her the satisfaction of acting startled. Then it happened again.

Enough was enough, I decided. This was a family corporate theme park, after all, and I didn't need to be party to such brazen gropery. As I began my turn to confront the responsible party, I noticed my girlfriend standing a good twenty feet away, goofing around with some of her friends.

More on autopilot than anything else, I finished my turn, apprehension growing with every degree completed. Once I'd made it all the way around, I stopped. No person stood there to face me, but rather Minnie Mouse, face frozen in that awful smile. She pantomimed embrassment, coyly putting her hand over her mouth and giving me a shy wave. I just stared, unable to reconcile the harmless rodent of my youth with the leering slattern staring back at me. She departed at some point, leaving me standing there, a slack-jawed, thoroughly confused young man. My girlfriend eventually came over to investigate my vegetative state, then laughed uproariously when I described what had occurred, leaving immediately to inform her friends.

Needless to say, that relationship didn't last.

The trip home was uneventful, but I'd be lying if I didn't say my hometown felt a little...smaller, somehow. Things that had once seemed important (grades, fidelity, sobriety) would soon lose their attraction for me. This may very well have been a side effect of leaving home for college, but I prefer to take the American approach and blame society, personified in this case by a giant rat with a bow in her hair.

It took a while, but I've found it in my heart to forgive you, Minnie. I realize that being forced to date your genetic twin can cause some mental instability, and - at the time - Disney had yet to return to promience in the animation field. The Little Mermaid was still two years away, and it wasn't like you were getting a lot of screen time anyway (and what was up with The Fox and the Hound?). Maybe someday I'll find the courage to bring my own family back to Disneyland, and maybe you'll be able to keep your busy hands to yourself this time.

Although...business has been pretty bad for you guys lately, hasn't it?

EPILOGUE

A few years ago I returned to Disneyland with my friend, whom I'll call "Al." Al used to work in the Magic Kingdom, and I eventually related the entire sordid tale to him. He laughed, then pointed out that few, if any, of the people ("cast members") suited up as Disney characters were women.

The fact that Minnie might have been a guy doesn't bother me. What does bother me is the realization that 1987 was probably the last year I was ever attractive enough to warrant attention from a gay dude.

[1] Said person actually existed at my high school

"Sterrrrn!"

Houstonians will soon get a chance to see what all the fuss surrounding Howard Stern is about:

The controversial disc jockey, whose sexually explicit talk show was yanked from several stations for indecency, announced that he soon will be heard in Houston and eight other new markets.

Beginning July 19, Stern's polarizing show will be carried from sunup until 11 a.m. weekdays on the Houston station, which is switching to a "hot talk" format.

"You either really love him or are on the other end of the spectrum," said Bill Van Rysdam, director of programming for KIKK and KILT-AM (610), both owned by Infinity Broadcasting.

The only time I listened to Howard Stern was when I lived in Washington, DC for a few years back in the mid-1990s. I don't recall being "polarized" by him, other than wondering why a man describing a naked woman/women on the radio was so appealing. That feeling has more or less translated to my avoidance of all "morning crew" style programming ever since.

Clear Channel's post-Janet Jackson dumping of Stern from several markets last February seems to have backfired, as Infinity is reintroducing his show to at least four of the markets from which he was dropped.

As usual, money is thicker than public decency:

"As long as Howard Stern brings in more revenue than it costs to deal with the controversy, they will most likely keep him," said Michael Harrison, editor of Talkers magazine, the industry's leading trade journal.

Harrison praised Stern's show as "great radio" and added that Houston adult listeners are in for a treat because Stern is "a brilliant satirist and social commentator" who pokes holes in hypocrisy.

I'm willing to give his show a listen for a while just to see if this "brilliant satirist" ever shows up. I had more than enough "Lesbian Dial-A-Date" and "Homeless Howiewood Squares" ten years ago.

Stern's talk show is like no other program in the Houston market, although it could affect the ratings of the Walton & Johnson morning show on KLOL-FM (101.1), which also attracts a large adult male following.

I'm with Chuck on this one, anything that drives those unfunny scumbags off Houston's airwaves will earn a listen from me. For a couple days, at least.