A Perfectly Cromulent Blog

"I don't read books."

C.S. Lewis Jr. endorses George W. Bush.

No word on his upcoming tour with Frank Looby.

"Call me Snake."

The funny thing about this story is that an 8-foot python is relatively tame compared to some of the other potentially lethal fauna living in the Houston area:

A northwest Houston movie house has temporarily closed its doors after a maintenance worker reported seeing an 8-foot snake slithering along the wall of a theater auditorium, the company said Wednesday. A janitor was cleaning the Tinseltown movie theater on the Northwest Freeway about 2 a.m. Sept. 22 when he spotted a snake about as thick as a man's arm between the first row of seats and the screen, said Terrell Falk, vice president of marketing and communications for Cinemark USA Inc.

"As soon as he saw it, he left," she said.

"I think everyone who was working left."

I blame Hollywood for the animal's escape. A lifetime's worth of exposure to snake defamation in movies has obviously colored the poor janitor's perception to the point he actually thinks an 8-foot python can chase him, rip the still-beating heart from his chest, and show it to him before he dies.

Or maybe I'm getting my movies confused.

The theater opened for its afternoon screenings on schedule, about 10 hours after the sighting.

But as soon as the corporate office heard about the incident, the local management halted all movies in progress, gave customers refunds or rain checks and cleared out the building, said Falk.

"We don't know what it is, or if it is still there," she said, "but just to be cautious, we thought we should close the building."

Why? Unless you're in the habit of leaving your infant or small pets unattended - in the theater - for long periods of time, what's the danger of this snake doing anything besides possibly scaring the bejeezus out of a bunch of people watching First Daughter? And wouldn't it serve them right?

Texas Snakes and More, a Houston-based company that removes snakes and shows homeowners how to keep their abodes snake-free, also has been put on the case.

The company's owner set up children's plastic booster seats and small glue traps Wednesday around the edges of the building, office manager Michelle Pustejovsky said.

Evidence that the booster seats or glue traps have moved, she explained, would indicate a snake is in the building.

Or a big rat. Or those meddling kids. Or the mysterious disfigured man driven into the catacombs below the theater years ago, yet who returns to terrorize the patrons and secure the love of Christine, the lovely snack bar attendant.

If the traps show no movement today, she said, officials must consider three possibilities.

Either the reported sighting was a joke, the snake found its way out of the building or it is hiding in a remote location and probably won't come out again.

Pustejovsky said it is unlikely that a boa constrictor or python would have wandered into the theater on its own. She said if one is found in the theater, it probably was brought in by someone or let loose near the building.

You guys are overlooking the obvious answer. In true William Castle fashion, the makers of Anacondas have started a program where they release a live snake into theaters showing the film. As with other cinematic innovations like "Percepto", "Smell-O-Vision", and "Sensurround", this new gimmick (tentatively dubbed "Boa Howdy") is probably doomed to fail, but how we will know unless these cowardly Cinemark suits give it a chance?

"And you look like a bucket of shit."

Attended the Shark Tale screening tonight. It's what you'd expect, only more so.

Anyway, as I'm returning to the theater with my drink (having taken the time to secure a seat with my trusty notebook), I'm intercepted by a woman who identifies herself as the publicist. We exchange pleasantries, and when I ask why she stopped me, she replies, "You look like a press person."

I wasn't really sure how to take that, so I chuckled and said, "Gee, thanks." And that was pretty much the end of it. As the movie started, however, and Will Smith wowed us once again with his ca-razy antics, I found myself wondering how she so easily picked me out and came up with a list of possibilities:

1. Scruffy in appearance
2. Surly looking
3. Vague air of unwarranted superiority
4. Lack of appreciable personal hygiene and/or fashion sense
4. Lack of partner
5. Lack of children

I comforted myself with the hope that it was those last two, and not something else. Just as I comforted myself during the film's 90-minute running time that there was greater evil happening somewhere else in the world.

In the land of the no-talent ass clown, the half-talent ass clown will be king

I know most of your belly buttons have been puckering and unpuckering all week in anticipation of the presidential debates, which will no doubt answer everyone's searing questions (Will Kerry reassert his love of NASCAR? Will Bush tell us what kind of tree he'd like to be?) Therefore, in the interests of time and homeland security, APCB is offering this rapid-fire celebrity update.

First, news of a Spaceballs sequel:

Mel Brooks revealed in a recent interview with Playbill magazine that he is working on a sequel to his 1987 Star Wars spoof, Spaceballs, the Ain't-It-Cool-News Web site reported. "I'm writing myself back into the Spaceballs sequel that I'm now writing, so you haven't seen the last of my face," Brooks said. "Why another Spaceballs? It wouldn't feel right to have anyone else play Yoghurt, and the first one was the best experience I've had making a movie since Blazing Saddles."

The only good news that sifts out of this announcement is that Brooks isn't actually doing a sequel to Blazing Saddles. Or Young Frankenstein. Or High Anxiety. It's unclear when Brooks lost his mind, comedy-wise, but it was definitely right around the time History of the World, Pt. 1 came out. Spaceballs, like History, had a few inspired moments, which only served to accentuate how bad his later movies became.

A more pressing question: who will play Barf?

No time for that now. How's that Johnny Cash biopic coming along?

Actor Joaquin Phoenix broke down on the set of his latest movie and started banging his head against a wall - because a scene reportedly sparked memories of his brother River Phoenix's tragic death. The Village star - who was 19 when his brother died of a drug overdose outside Los Angeles nightclub The Viper Room in 1993 - is currently filming Johnny Cash biopic Walk the Line. Sources say Phoenix had to be taken away in an ambulance after references to the horrific death of Cash's younger brother Jack in an electrical tool accident caused him to freak out. Phoenix's publicist denies that the star is having a breakdown, but there are rumors the film's location may have to be switched from Memphis, Tennessee to Hollywood, to make Phoenix more comfortable.

There's that rebel spirit the Man in Black would've been proud of. Considering how dissimilar death by electric tool accident is from OD-ing on heroin and cocaine, I have to wonder if reading the obituaries sets Joaquin off as well. No matter, what's a little authenticity compared to coddling an actor who knows, in his heart of hearts, that everybody thought River was the talented one in the family?

Hey Bruce Campbell, what's the word on the next Evil Dead movie?

Are there any plans to make an Evil Dead IV?

No.

Yow. Brusque.

Finally, Jimmy Fallon discusses his place in the universe:

''I don't see myself aging well. I'm going to be the guy watching reruns of 'Saturday Night Live' alone in his apartment, weeping softly while putting wrinkle cream around his eyes and self-injecting Botox,'' Fallon tells October's Playboy magazine.

''My living room will be covered with 8,000 copies of the 'Best of Jimmy Fallon' DVD, because I'll be the only one who bought it.''

I don't have much to add to his sentiments, except to say I hope Fallon never hits such a low spiritual and emotional point. With any luck, he'll have died years before in an unfortunate accident involving a BASE jumping harness, several lemurs, and a jumbo bottle of Magic Shell.

If memory serves

I'd like to say I "forgot" to mention my review of The Forgotten was up at Film Threat, but they wisely decided to run with a review of The Motorcycle Diaries and then (belatedly) my Silver City review. So the latest one actually went up Monday. You didn't miss much.

Don't believe me? Read for yourself.

Disastros no longer?

Went to the Cardinals-Astros game tonight (Houston won 2-1). From the perspective of a Cards fan, it was disappointing watching our crushers get handled by the likes of Brandon Backe. But then, we threw Haren out there and he held Houston to two runs, and I'm reasonably sure he won't be making too many appearances in the playoffs.

Oh please oh please.

Nice vision, by the way, Mr. Home Plate Cyclops, who called Reggie Sanders out at home on a throw from Beltran. I knew something was up when they didn't replay the play on the Jumbotron, but any suspicion that I was merely being a St. Louis homer went out the window on the drive home when I listened to the postgame radio guy state that catcher Brad Ausmus "clearly missed" the tag. Not much you can do about it, but maybe they were making up for that weird first inning call when Ausmus was trying to throw Pujols out at first and ended up hitting Edmonds' bat and sending the ball into the stands. Pujols went to 3rd, and I thought I was going to get severely beaten, even though I didn't know exactly what was going on at the time.

People can talk about the Cards laying down now that they have the division sewn up, but LaRussa trotted out a gimpy Rolen (until the 6th), Pujols, Edmonds, and Walker (whose HR off the New York Mercantile Exchange sign in left field was a beautiful thing), and used Mabry and Womack as well. The conspiracy theory that St. Louis is letting the Astros catch the Cubs (who lost to Cincinatti) is stupid since I can't imagine anyone looking forward to facing Clemens and Oswalt in the post-season.

But enough about the game, what about the Minute Maid Park experience?

There was a decent sized crowd, and most stayed until the end, which is a rarity for Houston baseball fans. There were still those clueless boobs who kept trying to start a wave during the Astros at-bat in the 6th (I'm sure Jeff Kent was thrilled), and - while it's hardly exclusive to Minute Maid - those goddamed inflatable whacking sticks are going to drive me to commit an aggravated felony one of these days. Why not just give the whole stadium air horns and cowbells and be done with it?

I thoroughly enjoyed meeting the guy who brought his son down from St. Louis just for this game and had seats next to mine. Seems they're on a father-son mission to visit every ballpark, which is cool no matter how you slice it, or whichever team you root for. They were pretty impressed with the stadium, even if most parks comapre favorably to Busch Stadium, and the boy seemed to have a little trouble handling his burrito.

There were actually a decent number of Cardinals fans in my particular area (section 132 - left field). And all of them apparently live within five miles of my grandparents.

The roof was open the whole game, and it was a fine evening, loss or no. There were only a few jackass fans, some of whom started the chant, "Cardinals Suck" as that scrub Reyes loaded the bases in the 8th (Ray King came on and put and end to that). The only tense moment was when I turned around to ask them who won the NL Central.

It's not a trick question.

But I'd sure like it if the Cards were playing a little better down the stretch.

Texas Tuesdays - 09/28/2004

Today's featured candidate on Texas Tuesdays is Martin Frost, who's running in the redistricted 32nd Congressional District against DeLay crony Pete Sessions.

There's an overview of the race here, and a conversation with the Frost campaign here.

Setting Son

Jay Farrar and Son Volt are reuniting for a new album and tour:

Roots-rock outfit Son Volt has reunited and is about to begin work on a new studio album.

Group members Jay Farrar, Dave and Jim Boquist and Mike Heidorn recently ended a five-year hiatus to record a track for the Alejandro Escovedo (news) tribute album, "Por Vida." The group is planning to return to the road next year.

"It felt like we hit the ground running," Farrar says. "Five years seemed like five days at that point. It proved that more recording and performing as Son Volt is something that should happen."

Son Volt's last studio album was 1998's "Wide Swing Tremolo," which peaked at No. 93 on the Billboard 200. Farrar's most recent solo release was the live collection "Stone, Steel & Bright Lights," issued in June on his own Transmit Sound label.

Nice to hear, but I'm not really that excited by the news, frankly. I said somewhere, sometime, that Jay Farrar was one of the best at what he does, but what he does isn't very fresh or original. Don't get me wrong, there are fantastic songs on Trace and Wide Swing Tremolo, but they all tend to sound the same. Unlike Wilco, the band helmed by Farrar's Uncle Tupelo bandmate Jeff Tweedy, Son Volt doesn't seem very interested in evolving or experimenting musically. Not to say I want them to start sounding like Death Cab for Cutie, but stretching themselves once in a while couldn't hurt.

And certainly any new album by a band not associated with the new wimp punk movement, jailbait divas, or Nashville is a good thing. I just don't think I'm as jonesed about it as some people are.

In the Year 2009

Everybody hear about the coming regime change at the Tonight Show?

NBC's Tonight Show host Jay Leno will retire at the end of his current five-year contract in 2009 and be replaced by Late Night host Conan O'Brien, the network said Monday.

O'Brien signed a new contract Monday that guarantees he will assume the job as host of America's top-rated late night talk show, The Tonight Show, sometime during the 2009 season. Leno took over the show from Johnny Carson in May 1992. By the time he steps down, he will have hosted the program for more than 17 years.

Which is about 16.5 years too long. Back in my heady childless days of yore, I watched Conan O'Brien. He continued the anarchic streak in late night that disappeared when Letterman moved up an hour, but don't count on that continuing when Conan takes over for Leno. And you can sure as hell say goodbye to the Masturbating Bear and Pimpbot 5000, as well as guests who won't get a sniff of the new time slot (Rob Zombie, Marilyn Manson).

Unlike the Leno version, however, I'll actually watch the occasional Conan-helmed Tonight Show, if only to see if taking over at 10:30 makes him as unfunny and sycophantic as the Human Chin.

Another situation in which the withdrawal method may not be reliable

Best headline from yesterday's New York Times:

"What if America Just Pulled Out?"

Obvious Joke Answer: Iraq would still be fucked. I'm not sure whether it was writer Roger Cohen or the NYT's copy editors who came up with the title, but I got a laugh out of it.

Which was a good thing, because the article isn't funny at all.

Bad TV Ponderings - Joe Pantoliano

It would seem that reviews coming in for the new TV series Dr. Vegas are somewhat less than encouraging. Variety sets the tone by calling it "an ill-conceived medical franchise providing further evidence that some things that happen in Vegas really should stay in Vegas" (a joke that most reviewers, notorious for our their lack of creativity, seem to be parroting).

Having seen the previews, I can't say that this is all that surprising. Rob Lowe has elevated committing career suicide to an art form, though the fact that he can still get work proves we're all willing to forgive a celebrity that takes Huey Long's old "dead girl/live boy" adage to heart, even if the live girl they're caught with happens to be underage.

However, I can't for the life of me figure out why anyone ever bothers to put Joe Pantoliano in a television series. The guy's arguably worse than Ted McGinley, since McGinley only kills shows that have reached a decent level of maturity, Pantoliano murders them in their cribs. To prove this theory (which I refer to as the Pantoliano Premature Hollywood Homicide Hypothesis), I've compiled a list of his TV series apperances, exhaustively researched at great taxpayer expense:

Free Country (1978) - Rob Reiner's first post-All in the Family TV gig was billed as the story of Lithuanian immigrants in turn-of-the-century New York City. With an action-packed plot like that, and a cast including the likes of Larry Gelman and Hot Shots! Part Deaux's Judith Kahan, it's a wonder this never took off.

The Fanelli Boys (1990-1991) - AKA Everybody Loves Guido. The cancellation of The Fanelli Boys served notice to lovers of Italian stereotyping everywhere that America would no longer tolerate jokes at the expense of hairy mooks in wife-beater t-shirts.

Beethoven (1994) - Remember the good old days, when the networks would make a half-assed aninmated series out of every marginally successful movie featuring a Saint Bernard and Charles Grodin? Good times.

EZ Streets (1996) - By all accounts, this was a pretty good show. The presence of Joey Pants and the alleged association with EZ Wider rolling papers were all the government needed to pull the plug, sadly.

Godzilla (1998-2000) - Remember the good old days, when the networks would make a half-assed animated series out of every excruciatingly horrible Roland Emmerich monster movie? Unfortunately for Pantoliano (the voice of "Animal"), this could never compete with Godzooky and the superior Godzilla Power Hour.

The Lionhearts (1998) - I don't actually know much about this MGM animated series, but I suspect any cartoon featuring characters with names like "Leo Lionheart" was either a belated attempt to cash in on the success of The Lion King or a series that was too ahead of its time to survive.

Sugar Hill (1999) - Another alleged comedy that ran for less than a season. And another series about which I can find little info. It co-starred pre-rehab Charlie Sheen and pre-Meet the Parents Teri Polo, if that tells you anything.

The Sopranos (1999-2006) - Some may feel The Sopranos negates my theory, while I consider it the exception that proves it. The show was around for four seasons before Pantoliano showed up, and - let's be honest - did anyone honestly think he was going to last that long? Call it Corollary #1 to the Pantoliano Hypothesis: the only way a series will survive the addition of Joey Pants if is his character doesn't.

The Handler (2003) - This one got decent reviews, but CBS dropped the ball when it failed to promote the show as a gritty crime drama and presented it as a glossy vehicle for Pantoliano to be a smart ass. And his stupid hat didn't help.

Dr. Vegas (2004-?) - Isn't this where we came in?

The problem, as I see it, is that Joe Pantoliano will forever be Guido the Killer Pimp in the minds of millions of Americans. They're rarely, if ever, going to buy him as a romantic lead, or a lovable buffoon, or anything other than a borderline psychotic SOB, and that goes for the majority his movie roles as well. One of the reasons his turn as Ralph Cifaretto in The Sopranos was so successful was because Ralph was Guido with a death wish and a penchant for playing "bottom." Who doesn't love that?

Open letter to that kid at the Galleria yesterday

Wow. That took some gall. Not balls, which is what I attribute to someone who takes a stand in the face of popular sentiment, and not nerve, which is what's required when you need to get it together to do something gutsy, but gall. Gall is that special something needed to commit an act of such outright assholery it defies rational description. And honestly, that's the only reason I can imagine someone would walk around one of the largest shopping malls in the country wearing a swastika t-shirt.

On Yom Kippur.

I admit, I've been kicking myself all day for not running right out of that restaurant and kicking you in the ass. I can only give two reasons for my inaction: one - I was busy trying to wrestle my crabby infant back into her stroller while simultaneously preventing her from grabbing a fork and knocking over a tray of glasses, and two - I was quite frankly stunned into temporary immobility. Surely, I thought, I can't be seeing somebody walking around in the fourth largest city in the United States wearing something regarded as universally offensive to all but mouth-breathing skinheads and some idiot merchants in South Korea, and on a Jewish holiday, no less. Maybe I didn't see it right, I thought, maybe it was the counterclockwise swastika, or manji, Buddhist symbol of night and magic (perhaps you're a big Blade of the Immortal fan). But no, it was unmistakeable: a black swastika in a white circle on a red t-shirt.

I hustled everything together at that point and headed out into the mall, not really sure what I was planning to do (run over your toes with the stroller?), but feeling obligated at the very least to confront you about it. Unfortunately, you and your three cohorts had disappeared. I continued to look around for the remaining hour or so we wandered around, but you had - wisely - made yourself scarce.

At the very least, I had questions. For example, what exactly were you thinking? Was this some act of teenage rebellion (I gauged you to be about 16)? In a world filled with peers piercing themselves in every conceivable place and covering every square inch of flesh with tattoos, did you feel this was the only way to express your individuality?

And what about your friends, if they can truly be described as such? Did none of them have the common sense to tell you what an ass you were about to make of yourself? Or should I blame your parents, either for not being aware of what their child was wearing or for allowing him to go out in public dressed like some jagoff white supremacist?

Or are you all simply ignorant assholes? I guess it's possible you and your friends don't know the significance of the swastika because you were behind the band hall huffing paint when they showed Schindler's List in your history class, but I tend to doubt it. Someone, somewhere along the chain of events leading to your arrival at the mall yesterday had to have known.

I hope it was worth the laugh. I can't imagine how you could be so blind to the countless people you must have shocked, outraged, and saddened with your little excursion - some of whom had to have relatives or loved ones who died in WWII or the camps, and whose reactions you must have noticed at some point.

But what I really hope, in my blackest of hearts, is that you ran into a couple of Jews in the parking garage who, already irritated from fasting for the last 18 hours, set upon you with a tire iron and let you know exactly how badly you screwed up.

More zombie goodness

Pre-production on George A. Romero's Land of the Dead continues apace as more casting news comes out:

Variety reports that a cast has been set for LAND OF THE DEAD, George Romero's long-awaited return to the zombie genre. Simon (THE RING 2) Baker, Asia (THE STENDHAL SYNDROME) Argento and John (SPAWN) Leguizamo will play soldiers who are among the living survivors in a walled city surrounded by a zombie-populated wasteland. The trio set out to do battle with the massing creatures in an armored vehicle called the Dead Reckoning (which was an early title for this project). Also in the cast is Robert Joy, a veteran of genre pics including AMITYVILLE 3-D, THE DARK HALF and the recent HELTER SKELTER TV movie, joining previously announced Dennis Hopper. LAND, which producing entity Atmosphere Entertainment hopes will launch a series of undead films, rolls October 11 in Toronto. — Michael Gingold

It's a start. Obviously, no one is going to mistake Baker, Argento, and Leguizamo for Will Smith, Julia Roberts, and Tom Cruise, but compared to the unknowns Romero's had for his first three Dead films, this might as well be one of those Cornelius Ryan movies.

Given the tone of the earlier films, it's safe to assume Land of the Dead will be a dark affair, and one I'm looking forward to. Having said that, one mustn't discount the comedic potential of a giant tank named "Dead Reckoning" rolling over the living dead.

"Send...more...armored cav...hggrkkk."

"I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if a couple dozen voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced."

Ha ha, suckers:

Fans of John Williams are up in arms over an apparent glitch in the new Star Wars DVD set in which the left and right channels fed to the rear speakers in surround sound are reversed in the original Star Wars movie (Episode 4). John Takis, who frequently analyzes film scores for Internet groups, points out that the violins can be heard coming from the left surround-sound speakers and the cellos from the left. "It is essentially a 124-minute audio glitch," Takis writes on the John Williams fansite, www.JW-Music.net. "The sound effects are correctly positioned in the surround channels. It's just the music that's backwards." Takis also takes issue with other aspects of the sound mix for the original movie. "Remember the awesome fanfare version of the Force theme that kicks off the Death Star battle?" he writes "Good luck hearing it this time around -- it's virtually inaudible."

Confirmation from DVD site The Digital Bits, as well.

Lucasfilm responds:

"We are always impressed with how closely fans listen to the many different sound mixes we have made for the Star Wars movies over the years. It is flattering to know that, indeed, the audience is listening. Consequently, each mix comes out differently and any changes that you hear on the all-new Dolby Digital 5.1 Surround EX tracks o­n the Star Wars Trilogy DVD set are deliberate creative decisions. We can confirm that there are no technical glitches as has been reported."

So...either they're idiots, or the reversal of the score was an inexplicably "deliberate creative decision." Nothing would surprise me at this point, though I wonder how much my surround sound-deprived self would actually notice. In any case, I still hadn't made up my mind about obtaining these. Now I think I won't, as it will spoil all my pointing and laughing.

With my mind on my bunny and my bunny on my mind

"Fear has never been so cute and fuzzy" (via e-mail):

I’m thrilled to officially announce that the 30-Second Bunnies Theatre Troupe is working on a very special project for the Starz! movie channel (http://www.starz.com ).

The Bunnies will be hosting the “Starz! Hare-Raising Halloween Marathon” this October. The marathon begins Saturday, October 30 and runs through midnight of Sunday October 31, on the Starz! channel. After the marathon I’ll post each re-enactment, one at a time, on the Angryalien.com website. More details to come!

Of the featured movies Starz will broadcast during the marathon, the Bunnies Troupe and I chose the following three to re-enact:

Freddy vs. Jason
Scream
Texas Chainsaw Massacre (v.2003)
...
Additionally, Starz has commissioned five Bunnies interstitial pieces, each 10-15 seconds long, promoting the marathon and the re-enactments.

In conclusion, the bunnies & I are working around the clock to crank out some very funny and entertaining stuff. We couldn’t be more excited! And thanks to every one of you for your support and for making all this possible.

Jennifer (and the 30-Second Bunnies Theatre Troupe)

View the trailer here.

I have to admit, I'm a little confused by a selection of "Halloween" movies that doesn't include Halloween, yet does include the remake of TCM. I'd rather not think about what a bunny-reenacted Jessica Biel in a wet wife beater looks like.

Still, the bunnies are good fun, and it's nice to see Starz giving Jennifer Shiman and crew some air time.

UPDATE: Jennifer herself clarifies, in the comments:

starz provided a set list of movies they were showing for their marathon, and they let me select the three from the list i thought would work best (three because that is all i could do in 8 weeks, heh).

So there you go.

Can a Stone blink?

It can if it's an Oliver Stone:

Alexander the Great's greatest enemy may not be Darius of Persia but a family of superheroes known as The Incredibles -- or so it seemed Wednesday as Warner Bros. announced that it had decided to move the opening of Oliver Stone's $150-million Alexander from Nov. 5, when it was due to face the latest Pixar animated film about the superheroes, to Nov. 24, when it will be up against Flight of the Phoenix, Christmas with the Kranks and Beauty Shop. In a statement, the studio said that it was making the move in order to "position [the movie] better for Academy [Oscar] consideration."

Because those three weeks make all the difference.

There's no shame in not wanting to square off against Pixar, guys. The Incredibles could easily gross over $100 million its first weekend, and at this point the only picture sharing a wide release date on the 5th is Birth, which some of you may know as the film where Nicole Kidman takes a bath with a 10 year-old boy. Don't expect that date to remain unchanged, although if it does I imagine several dads might find themselves slipping out of The Incredibles for an extended "bathroom break."

Stone may have a bigger problem on his hands, as the latest trailer for Alexander makes me a bit uneasy. For example, Angelina Jolie is supposed to be playing his mother, Olympias, but the previews give the impression she's a romantic interest. This pales, however, next to the closing shot of Colin Farrell - on horseback - going toe to toe with an elephant.

Obviously Warner Bros. have learned their lesson from The Return of the King's Best Picture award: more elephants.

Bring it, meat

Crazy Ivan, why won't you die?

What's left of Hurricane Ivan has swelled into a tropical storm that's expected to assault Texas' upper Gulf Coast today.

The storm, with sustained winds of 45 mph today, is most likely to hit around High Island tonight, according to meteorologist Mike Rehbein with the National Weather Service in League City.

For the Houston area, that means some gusty winds but more significantly, lots of rain, starting by the afternoon rush hour, intensifying into the evening and continuing for the next 48 hours or so.

And here I was worrying I'd have to water the lawn this weekend.

Forecasters, of course, can't be sure if weather patterns here will allow Ivan to stall over the Houston area or continue north to the Louisiana coast.

"If it stalls, we're talking about 10 of inches of rain, but if it keeps on going, it will likely produce under 10 inches," said Dan Meador, meteorologist with KHOU-Channel 11.

"And if it produces more than 10 inches, that would be close to a foot of rain, unless it doesn't, in which case it won't. But it might. Stay tuned to Channel 11 for all your alarmist tropical storm needs."

Ivan looks more like a wet nuisance than the juggernaut that hit the Alabama and Florida coasts, but we'll keep our eyes on it. Personally, I'm chilling some beer in anticipation of watching our local reporters stupidly braving the elements to show us all what worthy newspeople they are.

Don't let me down, Wayne.

Sing, my pretties

"It's hard on a fella
When his plane lands in some strange town
If I can't ditch the TSA
I'm pretty sure they'll say
I'm gonna have to turn around
Another Tuesday night, and I just got deported"

Can any government policy that prevents aging ex-folk singers from crossing our borders really be all that bad?

Homeland Security officials said Yusuf Islam — formerly known as singer Cat Stevens — will be deported Wednesday after being denied entry to the U.S. Stevens had recently been placed on a government "no-fly" list after U.S. authorities received information indicating associations with potential terrorists, a government official said.

The former singer was a passenger on United Airlines Flight 919, en route to Dulles International Airport from London when the match was made Tuesday between a passenger and a name on the watch list, said Nico Melendez, a spokesman for the Transportation Security Administration.

They'll ban Gordon Lightfoot next.

Converting to Islam was the best career move Stevens ever made. After the success of Teaser and the Firecat and Tea for the Tillerman (and the Harold and Maude soundtrack), Stevens began to suffer unfavorably from being lumped in with the "Martha's Vineyard sound" of James Taylor and Carly Simon. He released a greatest hits album in 1975, but never recaptured the success of his eary career. As the '70s came to an end, he had to ask himself: would morning break again? Or would the moonshadow finally capture him and leach away his precious bodily fluids?

Islam, who was born Stephen Georgiou, took Cat Stevens as a stage name and had a string of hits in the 1970s, including "Wild World" and "Morning Has Broken." Last year he released two songs, including a re-recording of his 1971 hit "Peace Train," to express his opposition to the U.S.-led war in Iraq (news - web sites).

He abandoned his music career in the late 1970s and changed his name after being persuaded by orthodox Muslim teachers that his lifestyle was forbidden by Islamic law.

Uh huh. His past actions actually support my theory. He was quick to jump on the fatwah bandwagon against Salman Rushdie, but years later claimed he was misinterpreted, and has publicly criticized the September 11 attacks as well as the massacre at Beslan. The prevailing winds have shifted since those heady days when Arab groups could protest about their unfair portrayal as terrorists in movies, and Yusuf is obviously feeling the pressure.

That, or Natalie Merchant really scared the piss out of him.

Either way, no terrorist mastermind would be bopping around with the last name "Islam" these days. For that reason, and because we believe in giving people a second chance, I preset you with A Perfectly Cromulent Blog's Top 11 Alternate Names for Yusuf Islam:

11. Yusuf Freedom
10. I Choo-Choo-Choose Yusuf
9. Yusuf Fluffy Bunny Pants
8. Yusuf Hannity
7. Yusuf Lohan
6. Tickle Me Yusuf
5. Yusuf Smirnoff
4. Yu-Suf-Oh!
3. Yusuf G in Da House
2. What Yusuf Talkin' Bout?
1. Yusuf Friendly

I also considered "Yusuf Crazy," a la Martin Lawrence, but didn't think that would help his case.

A Kuff above the rest

Congrats to Chuck Kuffner, whose Off the Kuff just won this year's Best Houston Blog contest in the Houston Press. If you're not reading it, OtK is the best place for sane analysis of the often insane world of Texas politics, baseball (even though he's a Yankees fan), and "miscellaneous." The honor is well-deserved.

Of course, they also gave Best Talk Radio Host honors to Jim Rome. Just sayin'.

"This is my happening and it freaks me out!"

It is a sad day indeed for fans of sleaze cinema: the great Russ Meyer has passed away:

Russ Meyer, who helped spawn the "skin flick" with such films as "Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!" and "Vixen," has died. He was 82.

Meyer died Saturday at his home in the Hollywood Hills, according to his company, RM Films International Inc. Spokeswoman Janice Cowart said Meyer had suffered from dementia and died of complications of pneumonia.

Meyer's films were considered pornographic in their time but are less shocking by today's standards, with their focus on violence and large-busted women but little graphic sex.

In that respect, Meyer can be regarded as the father of modern-day filmmaking. Or, at least, modern-day prime time television. Without Meyer (and, to some extent, contemporaries like Roger Corman and Herschell Gordon Lewis), there'd be no Charlie's Angels, or Baywatch, or John Waters, And while big boobs and violence are now staples of modern Hollywood fare, Meyer always presented them in his films with humor and a wink to his audience.

And now you can't even thank him. Bad enough his harmless exploitation efforts were shoved aside by the rise of hardcore pornography (a genre so creativley bankrupt it makes Meyer's ouevre look like the Kurosawa catalog), but now there aren't even real exploitation films to speak of.

Anyone mentioning Eli Roth will get mocked derisively.

What's gratifying is that this same man - who referred to his movies as "bosomacious melodramas" and made Tura Satana and Kitten Natividad household names* - is discussed in film school across the country and has had films purchased and exhibited by the New York Museum of Modern Art.

In a 1996 interview with The Associated Press, Meyer described his films as "passion plays. ... Beauty against something that's totally evil."

Meyer was unapologetic for his movies, arguing the onscreen female nudity put customers in theater seats. But he maintained that women liked the films.

"The girls kick the hell out of the guys. I've always played well at the Ivy League -- Cornell, Dartmouth. I have never encountered a berating woman," he said.

Meyer realized that portraying gargantuan chested women was all well and good, so long as these same women could be seen giving payback to abusive men. His films are populated with leering sleazebags and perverts, all of whom eventually receive their comeuppance at the hands of the women they objectify. His female characters were almost always the good guys, but when you watch a Russ Meyer film, you're really watching his fantasy of being "punished" for his own fetishes playing out on screen. Distasteful as some may find that, it still beats the hell out of another goddamned remake no one asked for.

So long Russ. The lights at APCB will be dimmed, and a topless candlelight vigil will be held in your honor. Careful with that wax.

*My household, anyway.

For sale - One (1) slightly used fantasy football team - cheap

This is payback by the football gods for being overall points leaders in my league last year. To sum up:

RB: Deuce McAllister - out 4-6 weeks
RB: Stephen Davis - out 2-5 weeks
WR: Charles Rogers - out for season
TE: Todd Heap - out 2-4 weeks

That's half my starting lineup. Ours is a 12-team league, meaning free agents are a precious commodity, and running backs are nigh impossible to come by. I've been juggling a variety of 2nd tier backs, which didn't keep me from getting pummeled this week. I'm 1-1 so far, but only because a certain someone's team performed even worse than mine in the first week.

I can probably look forward to another two games (at least) of sucking hind teat before I can start a turnaround. How are everybody else's teams doing?

For those of you with no interest in what I'm talking about (or with actual lives), stay tuned: we'll have a post about busty vampires or televangelists here before too long.

"Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!"

One of the requirements for Vice-President must be a well-developed sense of hyperbole:

"Today we face an enemy every bit as intent on destroying us as the Axis powers of World War II," the vice president said. "This is, put it simply, an enemy we must destroy. And with President George W. Bush as our commander in chief, that's exactly what we will do."

True, al-Qaeda and the rest of that bunch are certainly bent on bringing the Great Satan down, but Cheney forgot to mention that none of these groups have much in the way of troop strength, or a navy (both of which are helpful in the area of force projection). The Axis of Islam also lacks an air force. I know, I know, they managed to commandeer a few planes with box cutters, but that's hardly good strategy for providing air cover.

No derisive Disney cartoons, no Time-Life series...hell, they don't even have cool uniforms.

Besides, as has been noted here and elsewhere, you don't need to look exclusively at the Islamic fundamentalist world to find some bad people who want to fuck our shit up.

Texas Tuesdays - 09/21/2004

There's a double header of goodness today on Texas Tuesdays. Specifically, Morris Meyer and Lorenzo Sadun. Rather than come up with interesting wording, I'll just copy the formatting everyone else is using:

Meyer intro
Meyer interview
Donate to Meyer

Sadun intro
Sadun overview
Sadun interview
Donate to Sadun

Both candidates are facing tough contests. Meyer's running against Joe Barton in CD06, while Sadun faces Michael McCaul, who some APCB readers may remember received my "lesser of two evils" endorsement in the Republican primary. Consider that expired.

How to guarantee your kid will need therapy - Pt. 1

This beats the hell out of the time my mother drew eyebrows on me in black Sharpie for my "nuclear mutant" costume.

A young Bush supporter wears her hair braids in the shape of a "W" made by her mother using a bent clothes hanger for a campaign visit by US President George W. Bush in Rochester, Minnesota. (AFP/Tim Sloan)

Supporter, eh? I remain doubtful that any kid forced to sit still while their mother spent a couple hours braiding her hair into the shape of a "W" would have anything but icy loathing for the candidate in question. But don't believe me, just look at her face.

[This is bipartisan, by the way, as braiding a "K" would be even more problematic.]

And given this administration's record on reproductive rights, she may want to hang on to that coat hanger.

A Perfectly Cromulent Blog: Going for the cheap laugh since 2003

Captain likely to be grounded

Bad news for those hoping for Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow's franchise potential, as it only managed to gross $16 million on its opening weekend. With a budget in the neighborhood of $70 million, there's little possibility the film will make its money back (expect at least a 50% drop-off in the second weekend).

Ironically, it's the F/X that are probably to blame. Sky Captain's original release date was in June, shortly before Spider-Man 2. With a summer movie marketing push, it should've been able to get close to, if not over, the $100 million mark. Unfortunately, several shots weren't completed, and the movie was pushed back to September, the also-ran month for premieres.

There's still the possibility that Sky Captain will take off as a home video release and engender some interest that way. More likely, Kerry Conran will focus on his Mars project, which will hopefully get a more accomodating release date.

I think murder's still a sin, "Reverend"

Q: What's a good way to renew interest in your ministry, especially if it's been on the decline ever since your infamous dalliances with the oldest profession?

A: Bash them queers (via the Burnt Orange Report):

According to a transcript of the program, Mr. Swaggart said: "I'm trying to find the correct name for it ... this utter absolute, asinine, idiotic stupidity of men marrying men. ... I've never seen a man in my life I wanted to marry. And I'm gonna be blunt and plain; if one ever looks at me like that, I'm gonna kill him and tell God he died."

Kinda throws a kink in that whole "omniscient supreme being" concept.

Swaggart is another in a seemingly endless line of repressed straight guys who labor under the false impression (or hope) that armies of leather-clad homos are just lurking behind every corner, waiting to take them unawares and subject them to a rigorous ass-pounding. Anytime I hear similar sentiments, I'm struck by how much the entire thing sounds like some sort of oft-replayed fantasy scenario.

What's even more hilarious is that these same words are coming from a guy who had to pay to get a look at a woman's goodies. If, as a TV evangelist, you can't score with your own congregation (hell, Jim Bakker did it, and he's the guy for whom the term "rat-faced scumbag" was invented), what makes you think any self-respecting gay man would give you s first glance, much less a second?

And I say this as a guy who - by my own estimates - hasn't been attractive to homosexuals for almost twenty years.

Finally, I see ole Jimmy's pushing 70. Were I in his shoes, I wouldn't be making nonchalant statements about the ease of stomping anyone, gay or not. The 70 year-olds I know can't take much of a beating.

Of course, that might be part of the aforementioned fantasy.

Everyone's a critic

Film Threat is holding my review of Silver City until its showing at the Sidewalk Film Festival, so I've gone ahead and posted it at Blogcritics. Feel free to check it out here.

Who'll stop the Rayne?

I know everybody has as much hope as I do for the upcoming BloodRayne movie:

In an interview with Monsters & Critics, Director Uwe Boll spoke about how the shoot in Romania is going on the Kristanna Loken movie:

"We are doing the biggest massacre in the movie right now, so we have five knights in this monastery in Romania right now and a huge battle with like one shot after another where people get killed or cut and half and stuff....for me it was important for me that our movie looked more like Braveheart. Real castles and monasteries, the mountains, etc. The locations make it more realistic and in that atmosphere the brutal fights and a lot of gore, so will be definitely a R rated movie..."

Uwe Boll, for those of you with better things to do than watch excruciatingly bad horror films, directed last year's House of the Dead, which was sort of like Resident Evil with its brain removed. And with the brain then beaten to mush with a crowbar. If there were any redeeming qualities to House of the Dead, it was the number of naked breasts presented. That's something I guess.

And Ona Grauer. Sweet, sweet Ona Grauer.

"Basically BloodRayne is a completely different movie to my previous ones. It is a video game based movie sure, but far more story orientated. I thought it would be good to move the story back and to tell the prequel really. To show how BloodRayne became BloodRayne in the 1700's. A franchise really, so maybe we can move a hundred years into the future for the next one, then later with the game story with the Nazi's and all that stuff, we can do it in part two or part three..."

I want to do BloodRayne as [a] really bloody period piece. It makes more sense to tell the whole story also where the Brimstone Society origins are and then we can make that jump to the story that plays in the time of the Nazis".

"Orientated" isn't a word. Quit learning English by reading American business magazines.

It's interesting that Boll would try to distance himself from the only movies that anyone seems to hire him to direct. Besides House of the Dead his next film is an adaptation of the classic Interplay game Alone in the Dark. Accepting this fate is really the first step to a satisfactory, if not entirely fulfilling, life experience.

Of course, "moving the story back" is just going to annoy those fans who only want to see Rayne kicking Nazi ass in her trademark black leather dominatrix outfit.

I like her symbol in that pic: a crucifix with boobs.

And considering the box office performance of HotD ($10 million...it's budget was $12 million), I don't think Uwe should be counting my franchise potential eggs just yet.

The Speaker in Yellow

Death to Americans? Not all of them, apparently:

Top Democrats slapped back Sunday at a remark by House Speaker Dennis Hastert that al Qaeda leaders want Sen. John Kerry to beat President Bush in November.

At a campaign rally Saturday in his Illinois district with Vice President Dick Cheney, Hastert said al Qaeda "would like to influence this election" with an attack similar to the train bombings in Madrid days before the Spanish national election in March.

When a reporter asked Hastert if he thought al Qaeda would operate with more comfort if Kerry were elected, the speaker said, "That's my opinion, yes."

Yeah, because a series of attacks or bombings directly before the election wouldn't have the effect of uniting everyone behind the President. Anyone recall his approval ratings after 9/11?

And given how successful the "insurgents" in Iraq are doing, I'd think al-Qaeda et. al. would be only too happy to get another four years out of Bush.

Hastert, who as speaker heads the Republican-controlled House of Representatives, showed no sign of backing off his comments.

His spokesman, John Feehery, said Sunday that the speaker's comments "were consistent with the speaker's belief that John Kerry would be weak on the war."

"If John Kerry is perceived as being weak on the war, then of course, his election would be perceived as a good thing by the terrorists," Feehery said in a written response to questions about Hastert's remarks.

We'll have to wait for a response from bin Laden on whether or not he perceives a decorated Vietnam veteran as being "weak on war" when compared to the draft-dodger who currently holds the office. If Kerry's remarks about committing "atrocities" in Vietnam are taken into account, I think the prospect of him coming to make a necklace out of my ears would scare the bejeezus out of most of our enemies.

Bailing on Bond

Shocked, shocked I am to hear the latest Bond rumors may be inaccurate:

Scottish actor Dougray Scott's mother has slammed reports her son is to play the next James Bond. The To Kill A King hunk, 38, was rumored to have beaten King Arthur star Clive Owen and Hulk actor Eric Bana to replace Pierce Brosnan in the 23rd Bond movie, after discussions with producer Barbara Broccoli. But Scott's mother, Elma Scott, says, "My other son David contacted him about the latest reports and he said it's not true. He has other commitments, so there is certainly nothing to say at the moment."

When seeking the truth behind Hollywood casting rumor, I've often found that an actor's family members are roughly as accurate as Ain't It Cool News or The Star.

At this point, my money's on Brosnan sticking around. There are still plenty of actors that could do the job, but it really sounds like Eon and the Broccolis are reaching the end of their short list.

My new dark horse pick is Sacha Baren Cohen of Da Ali G Show fame.

Sports bar observations

Not observations about the bar itself, mind you, but...oh the hell with it. Roll the tape.

ESPN cut away from the Red Sox - Yankees game (nice 9th, Rivera) to show Barry Bonds' 700th dinger. As was the case when he broke the single season HR record, I was struck with the marked lack of enthusiasm among Bonds' teammates. The guy just became only the 3rd player in history to reach 700, and I'm pretty sure the announcers were more excited than his fellow players, and I'm pretty sure Bonds could give a shit.

I'd hate to be the photographer behind home plate who was jawing with the guy behind him at the time (watch the endless replays, you can't miss it) and missed his chance to capture the moment. Hope his paper wasn't counting on that shot.

On another MLB-related note, you'll forgive me if I have little sympathy for those Oakland mooks who instigated the whole Frank Francisco chair-throwing incident. Fine, Francisco shouldn't have lost his cool, but don't hold a press conference to let everyone know you bought season tickets over the opposing team's bullpen so you could carry on the "American tradition" of heckling and expect anyone to sympathize with you.

I'm no stranger to drinking during a game, but I've always tried to adhere to the guideline that you never taunt someone with any comments stronger than what you'd say to their face. Which explains why I've saved my best stuff for Don Zimmer and Tony Gwynn.

Hockey's another matter, but trust me, you can't hear anything on the ice anyway.

Anyway, the Buenos are idiots. Francisco is a petulant thug, and neither the A's nor the Rangers are liable to make any noise in the postseason. So let's move on to the important stuff. Namely, my fantasy football team.

I am in some serious deep diddly. I drafted Charles Rogers, and he went down last Sunday for the season with a broken collarbone. Again. I also drafted Stephen Davis, who is out 2-5 weeks with a knee injury. Of my two keepers, only Peyton Manning did anything right, since Deuce McAllister had what could charitably be called a sub-par game. I still managed to eke out a win in what ended up being the lowest scoring game in our league (56-53), but it's going to take some creative roster alignment to do well this week.

Hell, I may end up starting Lamar Gordon.

Finally, are there any Aggies out there (you know who you are) who are a little cheesed off that Greg Hill, the guy who bailed on the team to turn pro after landing the program on NCAA probation, is a college football analyst for FoxSports Southwest? How about the fact that he picked Clemson over A&M this week?

I mean, Clemson's going to win, but still.

Aye, Cap'n

My whiz-bang review for Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow is up in the usual place.

Didn't get to see Wimbledon, as it screened the same night as Sky Captain. It was an easy choice.

My review for John Sayles' disappointing latest, Silver City, should be up this weekend as well.

"Ogre, you asshole."

You could almost set your watch by these remake announcements (this one courtesy of TTTWLAM):

You know that you're getting old when movies that you first saw as a teenager are being remade. The latest movie project that is helping to advance old age for kids of the 1980s is a remake of the 1984 comedy picture REVENGE OF THE NERDS, a tale of how the geeks strike back against the jocks and popular kids that was told well before Bill Gates made his first billion dollars.

Putting together the remake are CHARLIE'S ANGELS director McG and his biz partner Stephanie Savage (they'll produce the new NERDS); Gabe Sachs and Jeff Judah, creators of ABC's new series LIFE AS WE KNOW IT, are writing the film's screenplay; and O.C. star Adam Brody and GROUNDED FOR LIFE's Brett Harrison are co-producing the movie as well as may star in it.

According to the story in Variety, Brody and Harrison came up with the idea for a remake and then pitched it to McG on the set of THE O.C., the Fox series the director is an executive producer of. They took it to Fox Searchlight Pictures, who bought it, and now it's in development.

Figures. The O.C. is nothing more than a remake of every other piece o'crap teen drama that's come down the pike since...I dunno, The Hardy Boys. I'm curious as the thought process behind "coming up with the idea" for a remake, though. In this case, it sounds like it involved multiple bong loads and an afternoon spent watching "Eighties Week" on TBS.

As horrifying as the news about McG's involvement is, I can't help wondering if the existence of three lousy sequels (the last two going straight to video) doesn't already take some of the sting out of Revenge getting remade. The only cast members with any vested financial interest in the original series of films continuing are probably Robert Carradine and Curtis Amrstrong, who starred in all four films (others made cameos throughout). Carradine's got Lizzie McGuire to tide him over, while I suspect Armstrong would work for a bar tab at this point.

I saw the original in the theater. My dad took me, putting a Band Aid on his glasses and donning a pocket protector before buying the tickets. My 15-year old, desperately yearning for coolness self was understandably mortified. 'Course, he also took me to see The Wall when I was 13, which - while extremely cool - was probably ill-adivsed.

You can remake this movie, McG, but you'll never take my memories.

"Permission to treat the witness as hostile?"

And people laughed when I created a category solely for Star Wars related entries...

From today's Dark Horizons, excerpts from an Associated Press interview with George Lucas:

Question: Why not release both the originals and special editions on DVD?

Lucas: The special edition, that's the one I wanted out there. The other movie, it's on VHS, if anybody wants it. ... I'm not going to spend the, we're talking millions of dollars here, the money and the time to refurbish that, because to me, it doesn't really exist anymore. It's like this is the movie I wanted it to be, and I'm sorry you saw half a completed film and fell in love with it. But I want it to be the way I want it to be. I'm the one who has to take responsibility for it. I'm the one who has to have everybody throw rocks at me all the time, so at least if they're going to throw rocks at me, they're going to throw rocks at me for something I love rather than something I think is not very good, or at least something I think is not finished.

Plenty of artists deal with works that are unfinished. Writers call them "drafts." Lucas can whine all he wants about how the original was "jerked from his hands," but only guys like Kubrick and Altman have the pull to dick around for years making a film. Everyone else (especially a director with one moderately successful studio picture under his belt) should be prepared to suck it up.

What's his excuse for redoing Empire and Return of the Jedi yet again? Certainly the success of Star Wars meant he could take the time to make something other than a "half-completed" film at the time?

As for those widely available VHS copies he's referring to, checking the Amazon listing for "Star Wars original versions" turns up a lot of "out of stock" messages. You can find a couple sets on eBay for $30 and up, but it isn't like one can just walk into Fry's and buy them. Maybe that's because Lucas is no longer allowing the tapes to be produced?

Poor guy, he's "sorry" all the way to the bank. I'd give more credence to his claims that it would cost millions to "refurbish" the originals, but he'd easily make that back in two hour's worth of sales.

Question: After "Episode III," will you ever revisit "Star Wars"?

Lucas: "Ultimately, I'm going to probably move it into television and let other people take it. I'm sort of preserving the feature film part for what has happened and never go there again, but I can go off into various offshoots and things. You know, I've got offshoot novels, I've got offshoot comics. So it's very easy to say, "Well, OK, that's that genre, and I'll find a really talented person to take it and create it." Just like the comic books and the novels are somebody else's way of doing it. I don't mind that. Some of it might turn out to be pretty good. If I get the right people involved, it could be interesting".

Man, I had this idea months ago. I'll give it a whirl, dude. Keep the executive producer credit and just give me a percentage of merchandising and let me handle the interviews. I work cheap.

So he's gone from "definitely not" to "it could be interesting" in the space of a week. The guy obviously needs some help solidifying his platform.

The whole interview can be read here.

No guts, no glory

In 2086, two peaceful aliens journeyed to Earth, seeking our help. In return, they gave us the plans for our first hyperdrive, opening the doors to the stars. We have assembled a team of unique individuals to protect Earth and our allies. Courageous pioneers, committed to the highest ideals of justice, and dedicated to preserving law and order across the new frontier. These are the adventures of the Galaxy Rangers.

Sweet:

In 1984, Robert Mandell had an idea—to create a space western, an animated series which would be a MAGNIFICENT SEVEN for the after-school set. ... This show had it all. Rock and roll, land rushes, sword and sorcery, talking dolphins (which sounds much cheesier than it actually was—mostly), the sexiest lady outlaw ever drawn (Daisy O'Mega, of the Black Hole Gang) —and plenty of fantastic space battles on a par with the original STAR WARS trilogy. Each of the characters had distinct personalities and strengths and flaws, with stories often growing out of those conflicts, rather than relying on the Aliens-of-the-Week to supply the plots.

Sometimes confused with similar space westerns (Filmation's BRAVESTARR and World Events Productions's SABER RIDER AND THE STAR SHERIFFS, which was the re-packed and re-written Japanese series SEI JUSHI BISMARK), GALAXY RANGERS has a devout cult following, with fans anxiously awaiting the upcoming DVD release in October.

Galaxy Rangers was one of those shows I caught when I could, after-school activities permitting, and never really watched regularly enough to develop a real feel for the continuity. Still, it was refreshing in that the characters were allowed to develop their own story arcs over time and - unlike in every other American cartoon of the 1980s - people actually died on the show. I wasn't even aware a DVD release was planned, but I'm happy to hear it.

The rest of the article features an interview with Mandell, who discusses the show's origins and possible plans for a future series:

Whether we do a series of DVDs, or a new series, I don't know. We'll see how it goes. I think that we certainly could pre-sell a DVD movie. I'd much rather produce a direct-to-DVD feature because you have much more control. Dealing with the studios is just a pain in the neck, the more money involved. The RANGERS as a DVD movie could be terrific. We can do a lot more, you get more bang for the buck on a DVD movie.

And of course, 20 years later, the potential for animation is tremendous. What we can do these days... I don't know what techniques we'd use, but I'm sure we could find some integration of 3-D and 2-D. You don't see a lot of the tradition 2-D animation anymore. Everybody's trying to do the latest new 3-D look and stuff.

Man, do another Scarecrow episode. That thing freaked my ass out.

On second thought, don't do another Scarecrow episode.

Hey Grisham, I got yer package right here.

For the record, I was playing golf with OJ at the time:

Authorities are investigating a suspicious mailing -- initially thought to be a bomb -- that was sent to bestselling author John Grisham at his farm in Albemarle County.

"It appeared to be a potentially explosive device," said Lee Catlin, a spokeswoman for the county. "But a state police evaluation determined it was not a functional explosive device."

County fire marshal Bob Lowry said Tuesday the large envelope was placed in Grisham's mailbox Saturday but was not delivered by the U.S. Postal Service.

Those Illuminati buffoons misunderstood me; I didn't wish death on Grisham, just his career.

Damn Commies

Here's a webcam shot from the Tropical Isle in New Orleans earlier today. I can't personally recall Bourbon Street ever being so empty, even at 7:30 in the morning on a Sunday:

Dunno how many people are still in New Orleans, but good luck to you and to anybody in Gulfport, Mobile, and the Florida panhandle who will soon be dealing with that dirty Russkie Ivan, if you aren't already.

"This really burns my cannoli!"

Italian stereotyping in Shark Tale? Fuggedaboudit:

DreamWorks SKG Tuesday defended its upcoming animated film "Shark Tale" against mounting criticism from Italian-American groups who say the movie's gangster-like Shark characters foster ethnic stereotypes.

Studio spokesman Andy Spahn said the emphasis of the film's humor was on pop culture and Hollywood parodies, similar to DreamWorks' hit storybook satires "Shrek" and "Shrek 2."

"It's a family comedy that pokes fun at a number of film genres," Spahn told Reuters. "It doesn't demean anyone, there are no negative stereotypes. There is nothing mean-spirited in the film."

He even suggested that the shark characters were not depicted in an altogether negative light. "Villains become heroes over the course of this film," he said.

If you ask me, Don Knotts has more of a cause for complaint. Will Smith's character is a dead ringer for Mr. Limpet.

These protests would be understandable, if the portrayal of Italian gangsters in film and on television didn't make them look so damn cool. Vito Corleone was the ultimate crime lord, while his son Michael was smooth, capable, and implacable. Tony Soprano is a dangerous SOB, and men everywhere can live vicariously through this middle-aged, overweight, balding guy nailing Russian models. I think people would be more sympathetic if movies did nothing but portray Italians as clumsy idiots who always get the short end of the stick and are the butt of every joke, but they don't.

But while we're on the subject, maybe obese Americans ought to be protesting.

In Venice last week, De Niro dismissed criticism leveled by a group called the Order of the Sons of Italy in America, which wrote to Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi urging him to cancel plans to bestow honorary Italian citizenship on the actor.

The group said De Niro did not deserve the honor because he had "made a career of playing gangsters of Italian descent."

Yeah, that Travis Bickle was some Italian gangster. And Jake La Motta? Gangster boxer. Michael Vronsky? Vietnam War wiseguy. Rupert Pupkin? Obsessed fan gangster. Same with his characters from Midnight Run and Cape Fear.

As for De Niro's actual gangster roles, only Godfather II's Vito Corleone, Johnny Boy Civello from Mean Streets, and Al Capone in The Untouchables were Italians. If anything, the Jewish Anti-Defamation League should get in on the act, since De Niro's played Jewish gangsters twice (Once Upon a Time in America and Casino), and Jimmy Conway in Goodfellas was Irish, for crying out loud.

Of course, why bother with looking for accurate information on something, when making sweeping generalizations is so much more fun?

Bring out your dead

Saw Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow last night. As some of you have probably already heard, writer/director Kerry Conran - in addition to shooting the entire movie against a blue screen and digitially creating everything except the actors - also "resurrected" footage of deceased actor Laurence Olivier to depict the film's villain, Dr. Totenkopf.

Like most, I was a little squeamish about the idea (we all have fond memories of those Fred Astaire vacuum commercials, I'm sure). I can say, without divulging too much, that it's actually done in a pretty logical fashion which, given one of the more obvious inspirations for the film, makes a certain amount of sense.

But that's not important. What is important is that The Thing That Walks Like a Man (who joined me for the screening) and I both realized all the indignation the use of Olivier's likeness is sure to elicit among some reviewers may be less a stunt by Conran and more of a savvy post-mortem marketing move by Olivier himself. If Jenna Jameson (bear with me, this has a point) can film dozens of scenes and put them on ice for release after she "retires" from adult films to have kids, why couldn't Olivier (or Brando...or Divine, for that matter) have done something similar?

Now, plenty of actors are looking into licensing the use of their images after death, but I'm talking about the potential existence of footage shot by Olivier to ensure his estate never went broke. Why, there could be a sequel to As You Like It out there right now (Any Which Way Lou Like It), or generic product endorsements ("Hi, I'm Laurence Olivier, star of such classic films as Clash of the Titans and Inchon. Making those movies sure was fun, but I'm here tonight to talk to you about the most serious evil facing our society today: miscegenation."). And since we know Olivier was a smart man, there's no reason to think he didn't step out of the boundaries of, *ahem*, conventional cinema. I admit, the thought of some amateur Super 8 featuring Olivier and Joan Plowright doesn't intrigue me, in a financial sense, as much as the possibility that he and Errol Flynn got drunk one night and put together a scheisse video on board the Zaca.

You know Errol would've been into it.

"A slave stood behind the conqueror, holding a golden crown, and whispering in his ear a warning: that all glory is fleeting."

Speculation continues over whether or not Jeopardy superdude Ken Jennings has finally lost a game. CNN ran a story last week citing TV Week's report that Jennings lost in his 75th straight appearance after raking in $2.5 million in cash and prizes. Most impressive.

The reaction I've been hearing, however, only confirms my own feelings on the matter: it's about damn time. No one is denying the guy has a grasp of trivia that makes most of us NTN regulars look like pikers, but enough is enough. The gym I go to usually has Jeopardy