A Perfectly Cromulent Blog

Dia de las Muertas

So, not only did Terri Schiavo finally pass away, but she did it on the 10th anniversary of Selena's death. Selena, notable less for the quality of her music than her importance as an icon to the Mexican-American community, is probably not as well-known outside the border states, but here in Texas, she's big business.

Which is good news, of a sort, for the Schivao family. Maybe now they can look forward to tasteful silkscreen artwork or hologram cards of their daughter, as well.

The only question remaining is whether or not March 31 will henceforth be known as the "Feast of Mediocre Tejano Music" or "Hug Someone Unclear on the Concept of Checks and Balances Day." Pity Schiavo couldn't have held out until tomorrow, than everyone could've had fun thinking Terri had actually been saved at the 11th hour and spirited away to live on an island with Elvis, Jim Morrison, and D.B. Cooper.

Paul's still dead, though.

Hope they can squeeze this in between Jackson trial updates

No response yet from McClellan or the usual apologists to this:

In a scathing report, a presidential commission said Thursday that America's spy agencies were "dead wrong" in most of their judgments about Iraq's weapons of mass destruction before the war and that the United States knows "disturbingly little" about the weapons programs and threats posed by many of the nation's most dangerous adversaries.

The commission called for dramatic change to prevent future failures. It outlined more than 70 recommendations, saying that President Bush must give John Negroponte, the new director of national intelligence, broader powers for overseeing the nation's 15 spy agencies.

It also called for sweeping changes at the FBI to combine the bureau's counterterrorism and counterintelligence resources into a new office.

Get with the program, guys. Don't you know it was never about the WMD in the first place? "Yellowcake" is what the Administration was going to serve to our troops upon their triumphant return from bringing democracy to Iraq.

"We conclude that the intelligence community was dead wrong in almost all of its prewar judgments about Iraq's weapons of mass destruction," the commission said in a report to the president. "This was a major intelligence failure."
...
"On a matter of this importance, we simply cannot afford failures of this magnitude," the report said.

And yet we keep committing them. Funny thing, that.

Not "ha ha" funny, however.

Begun this merchandising tie-in has

I wish. This is only the latest offering in a product onslaught that's been going on for the last 28 years:

Gotta give Lucas credit for that, at least: film merchandising was nothing before Star Wars came along. Thanks to him, every Saturday morning cartoon and genre TV show gets a product blitz.

And somewhere, in a Toys 'R Us near you, there are stacks of mint condition Terl figures from Battlefield Earth. 40% off.

Just when you thought it was safe to go back to the console

I was pretty sure I'd found the April Fool's gag in the latest issue of Electronic Gaming Monthly, except when I checked the cover and realized I was reading the May issue:

JAWS
PS2/XB * Majesco * August 2005
You only need to know two things about this killer-fish simulator to get hooked: You play as the man-eating shark, and the game has a "dismemberment engine." (Give your victims a good thrashing, and they'll disintegrate into bait-size bits) Foolish beach bathers may be the special of the day, but Jaws' makers encourage you to sample the rest of the menu: "Seals, dolphins, other sharks, killer whales - the list goes one," says Producer Sean Scott. "The game will be chock full of humans, creatures, boats, minisubs..."

Jaws is not a scene-for-scene retelling of the classic flick (otherwise the final boss would be Roy Scheider's Chief Brody, and you'd have to explode on cue). Instead, the game is set 30 years after the movie, whose Amity Island setting has developed into a thriving, industrialized city. You become a wanted fish after you devour the son of a local CEO, who then hires a shark hunter to track and kill you. What follows is a series of story missions, as well as side adventures and a wide-open ocean bound to become your own all-you-can-eat buffet. Think of it as Grand Theft Auto of the sea.

"The style is free-roaming like GTA, Spider-Man 2, or Mercenaries," Scott says.

Ah, the stuff of nightmares.

Convinced this was a hoax, I checked out the Majesco Games web site (makers of BloodRayne and Bomberman). Sure enough, there's a page for the game under its "Development" section. And it's being developed by Appaloosa Interactive, who did Ecco the Dolphin. Looks like it's the read deal.

I am so playing the shit out of this game. Especially if there's a cameo by that punk Ecco.

You can never hail a Kabbalah at this hour

Mmmm, that's good faith-based gossip:

Audiences loved Ashton Kuchter as one half of an interracial couple in “Guess Who” — the flick was the top-grossing movie over the weekend — but there’s something they didn’t like: the red string Kabbalah bracelet he wore throughout the shooting.

Test audiences “were really annoyed” by the sight of the emblem of the trendy religious movement favored by Kutcher and his sweetie Demi Moore, according to a source.

So the movie company had the offending bracelet removed through computer magic. “They spent something like $100,000 on digital imaging to remove it,” says the insider.

This is what I get for not living in Los Angeles, but I can honestly say I don't think I would've noticed some red string on the guy's wrist. Speaking - as I can - for the entire South and Midwest, I'm reasonably sure few people would've known what the hell it was, anyway. It probably wouldn't have registered with me either, since I spent the whole time Kutcher was on the screen wondering which servitor of the Underworld he sold his soul to.

Too bad they couldn't have digitally erased some of the annoying product placements in that and every other movie released this year. But I guess the Kabbalah people don't kick in like Anheuser Busch does.

"I know funny."

It has been, er, requested of me that I direct APCB readers to the voting page for "America's Next Great Comic," where you are kindly encouraged to cast your ballot (once a day until April 1) for Houston's own Bob Biggerstaff. Bob is a funny guy, and would appreciate your support.

If he knew about it, that is. Voting's anonymous.

Official end of the month casting news

How this is "official," I couldn't tell you. Like Mr. Smarty Pants, I'm just repeating stuff I hear from different sources. The only common thread being my need for strong drink afterwards.

First, Orlando Bloom as a young James Bond?

Sky Movies reports the British hunk is in serious talks about a series of films based on an idea by a new author about the early life of the MI6 agent. Bloom says "I love the idea, in principle, as he can be far more adventurous and do more stunts. This is as near as I think I will get to playing the grown up James for the next 20 years."

This film series, which Miramax and Dreamworks have both been barracking for already, would be based on a new series of young 007 novels which began this year with 'Silverfin' which has already become a best seller. In the book set in the 1930's, a teenage James Bond spends a holiday at a remote castle where he soon comes upon a mystery involving killer eels and an arms tycoon conducting dangerous genetic experiments.

Killer eels. I sincerely hope they also a) shriek or b) have frickin' laser beams attached to their heads.

Putting this together will be a neat trick, since I was under the impression Eon Productions (now making Casino Royale) controlled all Bond film rights and wasn't interested in making any "Young Bond" movies. Securing Bloom for the role might have changed their minds, however.

Oh, and IESB is reporting that Clive Owen wil be Bond in CR:

After a few questions about Sin City and about other upcoming work we asked him about the rumors regarding James Bond. "Yes or no to Bond," we asked. He said this while nodding his head 'yes', "I will be busy for a while" and then our colleauge next to us asked again, "any truth to the James Bond rumors?" "I'll be busy for a while," he repeated with a grin and smile.

I wouldn't antagonize Owen, guys. That guy looks like he could punch through your chest, like Richard Pryor's dad.

As with all Bond rumors, I'll believe these when I see an official announcement. I've said repeatedly that I like Owen for Bond, and that I don't really like Bloom at all. For anything.

Next, with Dukes of Hazzard and A-Team movies in the works, who's really surprised at this news?

According to IMDB, Catherine is set to play Pamela Ewing in the film version of [Dallas]... with rumours that Brad Pitt may be co-starring - although producers have refused to confirm his involvement. Screenwriter Robert Harling said of the Dallas project: "The story starts with Bobby and Pam meeting and getting married.

"It is reinventing the Ewing family as if they exist in 2006 when the movie comes out. We want to make a big, all-star, flashy, go-for-it version of the TV series."

If Brad does sign up to the film, he won't find it too tricky to conjure up images of the hit series, after he himself appeared in a few episodes of Dallas in 1988, as Randy - boyfriend of Charlotte Wade (Shalane McCall).

Imagine my shock when I checked the IMDB and discovered that damn show ran until 1991. Of course, in a perfect world, they'd switch cities, change the name of the show to Houston, and make the film about a family who runs an unscrupulous energy trading company.

Purely fictitious, of course.

Finally, some good news (for fans of '80s ninja movies, anyway):

Sho Kosugi, who toplined a series of ninja films that began with "Enter the Ninja," is returning for a tail-kicking encore. Kosugi will reprise his role in "The Return of the Ninja," a film being scripted by Steven de Souza ("Die Hard"). Kosugi will play the last ninja master, who travels to the U.S. to find the American heir to the stealth martial arts legacy.

And that American heir will be played by...Orlando Bloom.

I want to see a Revenge of the Ninja/Pirates of the Caribbean crossover that answers the "ninja vs. pirate" question once and for all.

This is a Muppet News Flash

Awesome news, via Chuck:

Last November word reached us that The Muppet Show was coming to DVD in complete season sets. It was at a New York Henson event that Craig Shemin first publicly mentioned that Disney was working on season by season box sets of The Muppet Show.
...
It was announced in November that the first set would be hitting stores in 2005. This estimate seemed optimistic to some, but has now been confirmed by several sources inside the Muppet Holding Company as a very likely option. “The Muppet Show – The Complete First Season” should be in stores by the end of the year.
...
The video is reported to be transferred from their original British (PAL) tapes. Aside from working to get a beautiful transfer and mastering of the video, it is also said that the episodes will be unedited and will contain the UK skits. This goes to show how Disney is trying to create a collection of the episodes like never seen before.

The shows aired in Britain without commercial breaks, and contain lots of stuff American audiences never got to see. Needless to say, once the release date is announced, these will move to the top of my "must have" list.

Ahead of the Toby Keith action figure with patented Boot in the Ass(TM) action and the limited edition Jar Jar's Charred Corpse maquette, even.

And holding a match aloft during "Open Arms" at a Journey concert just looks silly

Finally, they came for my Leatherman, and there was no one left to speak out for me:

The Transportation Security Administration recently announced that a ban on all types of cigarette lighters is effective immediately, but that enforcement will not begin until April 14.

Although a ban on butane lighters had been included in legislation to improve airline security after the Sept. 11, 2001, attacks, airline passengers had been permitted to carry two butane lighters.

"For reasons of consistency, the TSA is banning all lighters — butane lighters, electric torch lighters, fuel-soaking lighters," said Andrea McCauley, a Fort Worth-based spokeswoman for the federal agency. "When the ban goes into place, you can carry up to four books of matches."

As incredulous as I get at some of the moves made in the name of making the world "safe from terrah," I'm surprised this didn't go into effect sooner. Honestly, carrying matches instead of a lighter isn't that much more of an inconvenience. Stick your Zippo in your checked bag and move along.

There are always those who disagree, of course:

Continental Airlines pilot Don McPhee used a butane lighter to light a cigarette for his wife, Cynthia, as he learned about the upcoming ban.

McPhee, who described himself as "a social smoker," said, "In the 21 years I've been flying, I've never heard of anybody trying to hurt anyone with a cigarette lighter on an airplane."

Only because Richard Reid tried using matches. If he'd had one of those nifty all-weather jobs you used to be able to get with your Marlboro miles, I bet there'd be a certain pilot singing a different tune right about now.

As for difficulty smoking, you guys might as well quit now. Even here in Houston, where driving east on 225 with the top down is probably the equivalent of smoking half a pack of Pall Malls, they're pushing through a ban in restaurants, and Austin and Dallas have already gone smoke-free.

Frequent flier Doug Zanders, of Huntsville, returning from his 41st trip this year as "a troubleshooter" for a steel company, was smoking a cigarette while waiting for his ride home.

"This country is growing more communist every day — telling you where you can smoke, where you can't smoke. That's communism," he said.

Zanders went on, "And the 55 MPH speed limit? That's the Nash equilibrium. DWI laws? Malthusian theory. When will the government get off our backs and present economic theory in a way the American people can understand?"

Although passengers will be allowed to carry up to four books of matches, the TSA is reviewing a possible ban on matches, McCauley said.

"We're looking at matches, but no definitive position has been reached," she said. "We don't want it to be a ban against smokers."

Matt Laidler, of Houston, had a no-fire answer to the problem.

Walking to a friend's waiting car, Laidler said, "I guess I'll just have to start chewing tobacco."

There's that pioneer spirit. And, as far as I know, dipping isn't outlawed on most public transportation.

That way lies the Dark Side

New Star Wars Report (and actually a re-tooled blog entry from a couple years ago...don't tell anyone). Step right up and read the column that has gotten me more hate mail even than that favorable review I wrote about The Chronicles of Riddick.

A thought that leapt unbidden to my mind while attending the baptism of a friend's child this morning

"Man, that Paul guy sure wrote a lot of letters."

X sells

Forget everything I wrote earlier about X3, I guess. Avi Arad is setting us all straight:

Empire Magazine got chatting with Marvel head man Avi Arad about "X3" this week who confirmed "It won't be a female Angel. I don't know where that came from, maybe because he looks angelic. There will be interesting characters that will be introduced."

"Because he looks angelic." Bravo. That'll learn you not to trust them internets.

He also indicated the Dark Phoenix saga that the second film essentially sets up at the end, will not be a major part of the movie if at all it seems - "It should never be this one story. The main characters are more important than Jean Grey. This is a bigger story. Everybody's expecting Dark Phoenix, but Dark Phoenix would never be the main show. She'll be one of the characters, that's it. There are a lot of stories to tell...We needed something that is very big. In movie two, it was mutants against humans. In movie one, it was trying to understand. In movie three, it is probably philosophically the most interesting and provocative for all of us."

Does that mean the introduction of the mutant-killing Sentinels, we ventured, only to be met by Avi's very own mutant power - the ability to stonewall. Ouch. "It's funny because when we sat with Tom Rothman [Fox bigwig], he said 'this has to be an action drama' and it was music to my ears, because that's what X-Men is. That opens the door for a concept for this movie that will be disturbing and fascinating and controversial. It will be an interesting debate - should we or shouldn't we? All I can say is it's going to be a very interesting dilemma. It's a very intelligent movie. I think it's contextually going to be the best. We are so excited."

Thanks a pantload, Avi. So...no Dark Phoenix, maybe no Sentinels. What does that leave? The Brood (or, as reviewers across the country will label it, "X-Men vs. Aliens")? The Mutant Massacre (kinda difficult since we haven't even introduced the Morlocks in the films yet)? Krakoa the frigging Living Island? Maybe they can just go ahead and bring Rob Liefeld in as a script consultant and introduce Cable.

I'm with Don (see below), I'm getting a bad feeling about Matthew Vaughn.

Or you could just stay at home until Sin City opens next week

My reviews of this week's boffo Hollywood releases are ready, willing, and able...for you to read them.

First, Miss Congeniality 2. The movie that dares to ask, "Wasn't Sandra Bullock just talking about making serious films?"

Next, Guess Who. The only surprise here was that it wasn't nearly as abysmal as the trailers would lead you to believe.

Finally, D.E.B.S. This debuted at Sundance last year and is just now getting wide release. I found it pretty entertaining, but I seem to be in the minority.

Ram a lamb?

The two movies I screened this week (Guess Who and Miss Congeniality 2, reviews pending) had a strange thing in common: both featured versions of the song "Black Betty," originally recorded by Ram Jam in 1977. In MC2, the song is used to punctuate the climactic dust-up between our heroines and the baddies, while in Guess Who, it's the background music for the epic go-cart race.

And I sat through both.

Anyway, not only did I find it odd that both movies used the song, but I found myself wistfully recalling my early college days. A friend of mine (whom we'll call Delilah) lived in Jester Dormitory with me and...well, not with me. In the same wing, I mean.

Like I was saying, she was involved, as many of us were at the time, in a running feud with her next door neighbors. I don't remember specifics, but I'm pretty sure the neighbors in question had the nerve to ask Delilah to turn her music down once when we were in her room at 2 AM playing "Sorry" and chain smoking. Bitches.

One of the ways in which my dear friend would teach them a lesson was by playing, without fail, Ram Jam's "Black Betty" at top volume every night at 10 PM. I'm not sure why she chose that song, or what was special about 10 o'clock, but there you go.

I was only present a few times for this, and let me just say there's a certain someone who is very lucky I'm not eulogizing her here today.

Orange you glad I didn't say banana?

Our long local nightmare is over:

Roger Clemens' prized burnt orange Hummer, stolen from his son's high school during classes Wednesday, was later found dumped in a southwest Houston parking lot.

No arrests had been made Wednesday night. A tip to Crime Stoppers helped officers find the vehicle, police said.

The famous truck was stolen from the Memorial High School on Echo Lane near the Katy Freeway around 8:30 a.m. after Clemens' son, Koby, an 18-year-old senior at the school, parked it there. The vehicle was in fine condition when it was recovered later that afternoon in a parking lot in the Bissonnet and Dairy Ashford area, said Spring Branch Independent School District Police Chief Chuck Brawner.

I'll just bet it was in fine condition. Speaking from my own personal high school vehicular experience, they first might want to confirm the whereabouts of Koby's friends during the time the Hummer was missing.

It's possible, however unlikely, that someone was dumb enough to steal an orange Hummer. The fact that the car wasn't driven all that far lends credence to that. But all it takes is giving someone access to your keys for a moment, however, and you find yourself coming home from a band trip to find your alarm activated and beer cans and Taco Bell wrappers strewn across the floorboards of your beloved '75 Buick.

Not that I'm singling anyone out, peenman.

The baseball great, 42, a father of four sons, spoke with Brawner on the phone Wednesday morning and caught a plane back to Houston.

Hell, there's your answer: they ditched the car as soon as they heard Koby's dad was on his way back. Say what you want about Clemens, that sumbitch is big.

Zee Germans?

As if everyone else didn't need another reason to geek out over Natalie Portman:

Actress Natalie Portman impressed everyone on the Berlin set of her latest film V For Vendetta when she started speaking fluent German. Unlike many actors, who would be silenced by the language barrier, linguistic Portman, 23, immediately started communicating in the native language. A source says, "She just turned up one day talking German. It has made her very popular with the Germans on the crew." The Star Wars actress, educated at top American university Harvard, is fluent in Hebrew, French and Japanese, as well as German.

In the interest of full disclosure, I'm not one of those who slobbers over Miss Portman. I was an old man, in spirit if not body, when Leon came out, and have a hard time looking past the fact she's 13 years younger than I am.

But wait a minute, I hadn't heard they were filming V for Vendetta in Berlin. That seems...odd:

V For Vendetta explores how different life would be if Germany had won World War II.

Er, no it doesn't. V for Vendetta explores the motivation behind a Guy Fawkes-inspired terrorist's actions against the fascist goverment of Britain that ascends to power following WWIII.

Man, I hope the "alternate history" angle isn't how they're doing this.

Actors...is there anythinjg they don't know?

I knew it was just a matter of time before the celebrities started chiming in:

In a statement released yesterday, an angry [Mel] Gibson has thrown his weight behind Schiavo's parents' ongoing fight. He fumes, "I fully support the efforts of Mr. and Mrs. Schindler to save their daughter... from a cruel starvation. Terri's husband should sign the care of his wife over to her parents so she can be properly cared for."

"After all," he continued, "I won an Oscar, and they don't just give those out unless you have a keen grasp of neurology and American law."

And former Everybody Loves Raymond star [Patricia] Heaton is just as fired up about the euthanasia battle. She says, "I don't know how the courts allowed this to happen but it's a very, very dark day for people with disabilities. There's a woman, who is disabled, who is being starved to death. Terri Schiavo is not brain dead; she's alive, she's breathing, she's disabled. People on Death Row get more of a shot at appealing their sentence that Terri Schiavo is getting - and she hasn't committed any crime."

Schiavo has had 15 years of attention from the courts and court-appointed physicians who have all reached the same conclusions: Michael Schiavo is the correct person to make legal decisions, and that there is no chance she will ever recover from the damage to her brain.

That's three years more than Lionel Herrera got, BTW. And 14 more than Gary Gilmore.

But it's always refreshing when the handful of conservative Hollywood celebrities put their two cents in. We're still waiting to hear from Charlton Heston (don't hold your breath), Tom Selleck, Kurt Russell, and James Woods. Maybe they're actual conservatives, however, who realize the idiocy of Congress stepping in to overturn a legitimate court decision.

A decision which is now, possibly, headed for the Supreme Court.

Heaton is planning to fast on Good Friday to "show some solidarity".

Ye gods.

Comically yours, Pt. 2

Next (and a scant 6 hours later), it seems word has come down about some new faces in the next X-Men movie:

Personally, I think I’m happiest to hear that BEAST will be joining the X-Men. I love that blue furry bastard, and it sounds like he’s going to serve the same role in these films that Morpheus did in THE MATRIX.

All of you Cajun fans can finally rest easy. GAMBIT will indeed be part of the film this time around, and expect them to cast a fairly big name in the role.

Now... what would a bit of superhero news be without some controversy? Ready for this one? ANGEL will be in the movie. But ANGEL... will be a girl.

Of these, the only one I'm happy to hear about is Beast. It's not wholly unexpected, seeing as how there was a snippet of one Dr. Hank McCoy being interviewed in X2 (there were also x-rays in Stryker's office of a human with wings, for you Angel fans). My guess is he comes to join the team after Smurfing out.

Gambit, however, is pandering. It's a way to insert another love triangle (Gambit-Rogue-Iceman) in the event James Marsden doesn't return. "Remy LeBeau" doesn't add anything to the mix except for the prospect of muy CG explodo. And if they're not going to depict the Mutant Massacre, you lose the most intriguing part of the character.

The changing of Angel to a female means nothing, since Angel only became interesting after becoming Archangel, a metamorphosis I hope takes place in the film.

I'm not an X-purist, so I don't feel Angel or Beast's inclusion is necessary for any kind of completism. Frannkly, I'd trade them both out in a second if Colossus became a full-time member. They portrayed him well in X2, and I hope we get to see more of him.

The Wife concurs, but for different reasons, I suspect.

At least we're getting Sentinels. Supposedly.

Comically yours, Pt. 1

A few things in the comic book movie department. First, the news that Thomas Haden Church, whose career has received the Lazarus treatment courtesy of Sideways, is set to be the bad guy in the next Spider-Man movie:

Thomas Haden Church, who was nominated for an Oscar for best supporting actor in "Sideways," has been cast as Spidey's new archenemy in the next chapter of the "Spider-Man" franchise reports Reuters.

Director Sam Raimi made the announcement Monday along with producers Laura Ziskin and Marvel Studios' Avi Arad. Who that villain is exactly remains a close secret for now.

There's a pretty short list of Spidey bad guys remaining, now that the Green Goblin and Doc Ock are out of the way. Let's look at the contenders:

Sandman - Gritty, to be sure, but just not very impressive when you get right down to it. I think Raimi would have a hard time making this dude something the audience wouldn't laugh at. And his superdensity powers are limited when not fighting on a beach.
Odds - 25:1

Vulture - Nah, the Vulture's an old guy, and his only power is flight, courtesy of an electromagnetic harness. Spidey'd beat the hell out of him, then hook him up with Aunt May.

Oh wait, Dr. Octopus already did that.
Odds - 50:1

The Lizard - Could be. The Lizard's pretty popular, even if all he can really do is tear shit up real impressive like. Didn't Dylan Baker play Dr. Connors in Spider-Man 2, though?
Odds - 25:1 (of Church playing him), 5:1 (of Baker)

Mysterio - Oh please. Creepy guys in big glass helmets are so 1974.
Odds - 75:1

Rhino - I can see the Rhino as the guy Spidey beats in the opening credits, but he's not compelling enough to build a whole movie around.
Odds - 25:1

Man-Wolf - Even if another actor hadn't already played John Jameson in Spider-Man 2, Church is too old fort he role. Besides, audiences aren't likely to be too receptive to a werewolf story in what will most likely be the final film in the series.
Odds - 50:1

Electro - A wide variety of powers would, as Lair said, make for a special effects bonanza. They'd definitely have to do something about that costume, however.
Odds - 7:1

Venom - This is who I'm putting my money on, however. Once you get past the Goblin and the Doc, Venom is probably the Spidey fanboy favorite. His ability to morph and camouflage himself would also be nifty from an F/X perspective. Venom's appearance would also give Raimi a chance to do the horror thing again. And I think Church looks a bit like Eddie Brock.
Odds - 3:1

My Dark Horse pick: The Fabulous Frog-Man

Odds presented for amusement purposes only. APCB assumes no responsibility for lost wages or relationship difficulties brought on by gambling.

I blame Florida’s death metal scene for this rejection of the “culture of life”

And I’ll just bet Judge Whittemore is a big Deicide fan:

A federal judge on Tuesday denied an emergency request to reinsert a feeding tube for Terri Schiavo, a brain-damaged woman at the center of a national legal battle over her life.
…
The ruling by U.S. District Judge James Whittemore in Tampa came after Congress and President Bush enacted legislation aimed at allowing federal courts to review Schiavo's case.

Whittemore is, of course, a Clinton appointee. I don’t have anything funny to say about that, except that I’m sure somebody’s going to be happy they won’t have to go to the “he got a blowjob” well anymore.

In denying the emergency request by attorneys for Schiavo's parents, Bob and Mary Schindler, Whittemore wrote that they did not not have a "substantial likelihood of success" on the merits of their arguments.

"This court concludes that Theresa Schiavo's life and liberty interests were adequately protected by the extensive process provided in the state courts," the judge wrote.

Damned activist judges. With their deliberate and consistent rulings.

But Schiavo's parents point to the absence of a living will, or written document, clearly spelling out her wishes. They argue that their daughter's due process rights have been violated and that she, as a Roman Catholic, would not have wanted to die.

They also contend that their daughter's condition could improve with treatment.

Only if you send Igor to the lab and have him bring back a new brain*, ‘cause the one Schiavo had ain’t gonna cut it.

Attorneys for Schiavo's parents will file an appeal at the 11th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals in Atlanta, Georgia.

That's the name for the next step after "media circus?" "Media gangbang?" "Mediapalooza?"

"Michael Jackson trial?"

*Just make sure it isn’t "Abby Normal’s."

Bad brain

Driving home from last night's screening of Miss Congeniality 2 (like the first, only less Shatner*), Vandenberg's "This Burning Heart" came on Sirius' Hair Nation channel. I had, literally, not heard this song since 1984.

I remembered every damn word.

Yeah yeah, big deal: we're not talking Umberto Eco here. Still, as I sat there, rocketing down the freeway and belting out "When you play the game/Of love" (the word "love" stretched out over three syllables), I once again had the chance to ponder all the important information that never took hold in my brain because that valuable space was occupied by - for example - Vandenberg lyrics.

Like I said way back when I started this blog, the pop culture detritus is the stuff I retain. I made my stab at the serious life many moons ago, but always had an easier time remembering the lyrics of Gram Parsons rather than the writings of Graham Allison. This bugged me for a while, until I realized that, uh, *not* reviewing bad movies and discussing the dorkier aspects of our society meant the terrorists win. Or something.

And I also remember all the lyrics to Double's "The Captain of Her Heart." Take that, PSc 261 - Advanced Study of Liminal Societies.

* While you might put something like that in the movie's plus column, I consider it a horrendous mistake.

"Don't go in there...it's dark."

The long-delayed latest edition of the Star Wars Report is up at Film Threat. Enjoy my ill-formed, drunken rambling about the latest trailer and Revenge of the Sith's pending PG-13 rating.

Mmmmm, edgy.

Raising a Pacino fan

She Who Shall Not Be Named is, like her mother, quite the public speaker. I know she gets her excessive verbosity from The Wife's side of the family because I can remember going entire days without talking, living under my bed on a diet of peanut butter crackers and Spider-Man comics. Lacking experience with chatty toddlers, therefore, I naturally feel the need to experiment.

She's got the standard vocabulary down: things like "ba-ba" (bottle), "ma-ma" (mother), "da-da" (annoying prick who won't let me chew on his Rocky and Bullwinkle DVDs). There's also "all right!" - usually accompanied by the throwing up of hands in celebration - and "high five," of which I'm particularly proud. She can say "shoes," "sock," "nose," "baby," "elmo," and "poo poo," which is so goddamed cute I want to puke. But not much has made me as proud as what she said this last weekend.

Friday evening, we're enjoying dinner at our favorite Mexican restaurant when the wee one grabbed the bars of the fence next to our table and yelled, "Attica!" Just like I'd been trying to get her do for the last five months, whenever she'd clutch the baby gate and fuss about not being allowed into the kitchen.

Of course, it came out "Appica!", but we all knew what she was trying to say.

I think "You're out of order!" is still a ways off, but I've already started thinking about new Pacino quotes to try out:

"Hoo hah." - Scent of a Woman (she can probably do this one already)
"I want my Cadillac." - Glengarry Glen Ross
"Banana daquiri." - The Godfather, Part II
"Cock-a-roaches." - Scarface (this is actually the only quote from that particular movie I feel comfortable teaching her)

And the ultimate:

"Don't ever take sides against the Family again." - The Godfather

Nerd on a Wire

There's some good news in the TV front, at least. As commenter Grotesqueticle noted earlier, HBO has renewed The Wire for a 4th season:

The critically acclaimed, Peabody Award-winning HBO drama series THE WIRE has been renewed for a fourth season, it was announced today by Carolyn Strauss, president, HBO Entertainment. The 12-episode fourth season will begin shooting in late 2005, with debut set for 2006.
...
Created by David Simon, THE WIRE wrapped its third season last December. The first season looked at the national drug war through the microcosm of a West Baltimore housing project, and the second season focused on a longshoremen's union and its struggle to survive. In its third season, the drama developed its portrait of a fictional Baltimore by exploring the place of the political leadership in addressing a city's problems.

Some time ago I mentioned that I would cancel HBO if they didn't renew my favorite show. I have a confession to make: I already canceled it. So sure was I that they wouldn't renew The Wire, I went ahead an pulled the plug. I think I'll manage to live in the interim, however: I'm not missing Deadwood, and Carnivale never did it for me. I'm also still getting caught up with Curb Your Enthusiasm on DVD, and my feelings about Six Feet Under's plot development are already well documented.

As for their other original shows, Family Bonds is interesting only from an anthropological perspective, and Entourage might be watchable if not for the presence of Adrian Grenier, who - ever since the pile of pelican shit that was The Adventures of Sebastian Cole - has been persona non grata on my TV.

But back to the good news:

The third season of THE WIRE generated wide critical praise. It was named the best series of 2004 by Entertainment Weekly, which called the show "the smartest, deepest and most resonant drama on TV." The New York Times observed that the series is "one of the smartest, most ambitious shows on television." TV Guide hailed THE WIRE as "smart and subtle, yet also brutally powerful," while New York Newsday declared THE WIRE "the greatest dramatic series ever produced for television," and Daily Variety called it "brilliant" and "meticulously written, superbly acted."

True words, all. And a 2006 air date means you have plenty of time to check out the 1st and 2nd season DVDs.

"Oooh, Navy Seals!"

The hell?

Here I was all set to tape CBS' nuanced examination of mankind's interaction with his marine surroundings, Spring Break Shark Attack, for viewing enjoyment next weekend when The Wife and Squab are out of town (preferably with about half a bottle of whiskey), and CBS ends up airing Navy Seals instead. Navy Seals? Was Highlander II unavailable?

The only reasons I can come up with (and both the CBS website and that of our local station still don't show any schedule change) are:
1. The NCAA Tournament ran long, and CBS didn't want to lose what few...ahem...idiot viewers were planning on checking it out anyway, in spite of all the horrendous reviews, by bumping it.
2. The network was being sympathetic following the fatal attack on a snorkeler in Australia this weekend.
3. Someone on the programming staff, realizing the network is on a downward spiral of mediocrity and lowest common denominator entertainment, single-handedly decided to do something about it, saving his soul and his sanity at the cost of his own career.

Nah, I'm going with the NCAA.

Last Schivao-related entry

For the rest of the weekend, anyway.

It's good to know that even in the midst of a divisive war, a health care crisis, and the continued erosion of our civil liberties that the legislative branch of our government still has time to ignore the separation of powers and interfere with a legitimate state court's decision. Kudos.

As a deal in Congress was worked out to have federal courts decide Terri Schiavo's fate, emotions swelled outside the brain-damaged woman's hospice room Saturday, with protesters arrested after they symbolically tried to smuggle in bread and water on her second day without a feeding tube.

President Bush changed his schedule to return to Washington from his Texas ranch on Sunday to be on hand to sign the legislation.

Must be important if our fearless leader is willing to take a valuable day off from, uh, "working" at the White House West to fly back to DC.

Huh. These guys are obviously really passionate about the fate of this woman. Maybe I've been wrong to describe them as self-serving scumbags.

Then again, maybe not:

ABC News obtained talking points circulated among Senate Republicans explaining why they should vote to intervene in the Schiavo case. Among them, that it is an important moral issue and the "pro-life base will be excited," and that it is a "great political issue — this is a tough issue for Democrats."

Not that we should trust the mainstream media (or, chuckle, "MSM") when they say something like this, right? Obviously, they're just furthering their liberal agenda.

But back to the AP article:

Congressional leaders announced a compromise between Senate and House Republicans that would allow the brain-damaged woman's case to be reviewed by federal courts that could restore her feeding tube. Opposition waned after House leaders agreed to give up broader legislation and accept a narrowly crafted bill that applied only to Schiavo's case.

A "compromise" between members of the same party? That's pretty impressive.

19 different judges in six different courts and all their attendant physicians have determined Terri Schiavo has no hope of recovery. How hard is that to understand?

"We should investigate every avenue before we take the life of a living human being," said House Majority Leader Tom DeLay, R-Texas. "That's the very least we can do for her."

Unless that human being has a defense attorney who sleeps through their captial murder trial. I guess we can be expecting lots of visits from Tom DeLay in the coming months.

Randall Terry, an anti-abortion activist who is acting as a Schindler family spokesman, said the parents also were concerned about the tight security in their daughter's room, which includes a police officer standing guard.

"They are so determined to kill her that they don't want mom or dad to even put an ice chip in her mouth," Terry said.

I think the provisions of my living will are going to include instructions about my cremation and the subsequent blowing of my ashes into Randall Terry's eyes. What a rotten excuse for a human being.

This isn't bat country

It sits there, mocking me.

Finally got around to picking up the Criterion Collection edition of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas last week, and was going to settle in to watch it after putting the kid down for a nap this afternoon. Trouble is, the remote's nowhere to be found.

Sure, I could start it up from the DVD player itself, if it wasn't an archaic model from the mid-90s that is easily foiled by DVD menus, that is. In short, I can't play the film. So I get to watch the Ralph Steadman intro over and over and over again as I throw couch cushions hither and yon and She Who Shall Not Be Named slumbers peacefully, chuckling to herself in her sleep.

I'll get her for this.

UPDATE: The remote has been recovered, turns out she stashed it in the linen drawer in the kitchen. Just for that, I'm making her watch the "dinosaurs in the Mint Hotel lobby" scene.

UPDATE 2: She liked the dinosaur scene. Figures.

Damn you, Spielberg

You're going to make me go watch that dead-eyed Scientologist again, aren't you? Well screw you, I don't care if that trailer (teaser #2) makes me all tingly in the post-apocalyptic pleasure centers of my brain and offers a tantalizing glimpse of the alien war machine (2nd ferry shot). I still have my pride, and while I'll watch War of the Worlds, I won't enjoy it.

Much.

Speaking of trailers, there's a tiny one up for The Island, which is actually not a remake of the Peter Benchley film of the same name, but rather a futuristic thingamabob starring Ewan McGregor and Scarlett Johansson. Unfortunately, it's also helmed by Michael Bay, and the trailer says, "From the director of Pearl Harbor and Armageddon" like that's something to be proud of.

Then we have the latest Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy trailer. The more I see of this, the more I'm getting the feeling they did it right. Arthur is dead on, and the voice work for the Guide itself and Marvin sounds great.

Finally, and for no other reason than I like to laugh at others' pain, here's the trailer for Herbie Fully Loaded. You're welcome.

"See you in hell...from heaven."

Lord, please protect us from your followers:

The presiding judge in the case of Terri Schiavo ruled Friday that the feeding tube keeping the brain-damaged woman alive must be removed, despite efforts by congressional Republicans to block the move by seeking her appearance at hearings.
...
"I have had no cogent reason why the (congressional) committee should intervene," [Pinellas Circuit Judge George] Greer told attorneys in a conference call, adding that last-minute action by Congress does not invalidate years of court rulings.

Rotsa ruck, Judge. Twice now Schiavo's feeding tube has been removed, only to be put back in. In spite of Greer's statement, this is far from over.

Then we get to the best part:

Outside Schiavo's hospice, about 30 people keeping vigil dropped to their knees in prayer when word spread of the judge's ruling calling for removal of the tube.

"What can wash away our sins? Nothing but the blood of Jesus," they sang. Messages on protest signs included "Impeach Greer.com," a reference to the judge, and "Execution — It's Not Just for the Guilty Anymore."

Why do I get the feeling that, if Schivao was merely some mentally retarded woman slowly dying of malnutrition on the streets of Miami, these same concerned Christians would be sitting comfortably in their homes, switching channels back and forth between 7th Heaven and Joey (and the latter only to keep record of all the penis references)? How dare Terri Schiavo - if her husband is to be believed, that is - have the temerity to dictate the conditions of her continued existence (if one can truly call it that)?

And you people are wearing those things wrong, they need to go over the nose and mouth:

Ingrates.

This now from the MSNBC article indicating the tube has, in fact, been removed:

The removal came amid a flurry of maneuvering by Schiavo's parents, state lawmakers and Congress to keep her alive. Committees in the Republican-controlled Congress issued subpoenas for Schiavo, her husband and her caregivers, demanding that they appear at hearings on March 25 and March 28.
...
David Gibbs, the attorney for her parents, said that “what the U.S. Congress is saying is, ‘We want to see Terri Schiavo.'"

"And we don't care how big of a circus we make of this or how much parading this woman in front of the national media makes a mockery of the so-called dignity we're ostensibly trying to protect."

To quote Lewis Black, "Unbe-fuck-lievable."

“The family is prayerfully excited about their daughter going before the United States Congress for the whole world to see how alive she is," he added.

As a parent myself, I honestly can't say how I'd be reacting where my child in the same situation. One thing's certain: I wouldn't be "prayerfully excited" about it, whatever the hell that means.

House Majority Leader Tom DeLay, R-Texas, told reporters in Washington earlier Friday that removal of the tube amounted to "barbarism."

Nice try Tom, but nobody's forgetting about your little problems.

And you're the only bait in town

I am so recording Spring Break Shark Attack this Sunday:

Kathy Baker ("Picket Fences"), Bryan Brown ("The Thorn Birds"), Shannon Lucio (“The O.C.”) and Riley Smith ("New York Minute") star in this thriller about the invasion of a group of killer sharks on the Florida coast as a beach full of college co-eds enjoy their spring break from school.

What's better than sharks and hot co-eds, you ask? Sharks eating hot co-eds.

In a perfect world, this would've been a theatrical film co-directed by Russ Meyer and Dario Argento, but I'll take what I can get.

Before you die, you sit through The Ring (Two)

What a clumsy way to let everyone know my review of The Ring Two is up on that there web site I write reviews fer. Looky.

Oh, and before I forget: caption contest at Big Stupid Tommy's. And it's for one of the more...disturbing pictures I've seen in recent memory.

"All this drinking, violence, destruction of property...are these the things we think of when we think of the Irish?"

This is pretty cool (and timely, go figure): an annotated lyrics page for songs of the Pogues and Shane MacGowan (via Metafilter).

I've spent far too much of my St. Patrick's Day there already.

Good news, everyone!

Even if you're unable to walk, talk, nourish yourself, change your own clothes, or communicate in any way whatsoever with the outside world, the government will still make sure you'll be fed by a tube for the remainder of your cognitively inactive days:

The House of Representatives stepped in with legislation that would delay removal of a feeding tube from a brain-damaged Florida woman whose husband has been given permission by a state court to let her die.

The House acted late Wednesday evening after a Florida appeals court refused, earlier in the day, to block the removal of Terri Schiavo's feeding tube.
...
The House bill, passed on a voice vote, would move such a case to federal court. Federal judges have twice turned down efforts by the parents, Bob and Mary Schindler, to move the case out of Florida courts, citing a lack of jurisdiction.

Senate Republicans are introducing a separate bill to give Schiavo and her family standing in federal court, and they hope it can be debated on Thursday, a GOP aide said.

Finally, we can add "Persons in Persistent Vegetative State with No Likelihood of Improvement" to "Zygotes and Blastulae" on the comprehensive list of Organisms the GOP Care About. Poor children, pregnant women, and just about anybody else can go piss up a rope, apparently.

Fifteen years. Forgive me, but I don't care what kind of rudimentary swallowing relexes have been witnessed, fifteen years without speaking or moving independently seems pretty demonstrative of "vegetative" to me. Let the poor woman die already.

Under the House legislation, a federal judge would decide whether withholding or withdrawing food, fluids or medical treatment from an incapacitated person violates the Constitution or U.S. law.

It would apply only to incapacitated people who had not left directives dealing with being kept alive artificially and for whom a state judge had authorized the withholding of food or medical treatment.

Consider this another argument for getting your living will in order, I guess.

It's been asked before, but are there any actual conservatives left in the Republican party? Now they're going to clog up federal courts with this kind of case? I guess states' rights only apply to things over which the Christian right don't get their panties in a bunch.

The Florida appeals court said in Wednesday's ruling that the issues the Schindlers' raised were not new ones and had been dealt with previously by numerous courts.

"Not only has Mrs. Schiavo's case been given due process, but few, if any similar cases have ever been afforded this heightened level of process," Chief Judge Chris Altenbernd wrote.

Silly judge. Now, more than ever, there's no facet of your life the federal government isn't happy to screw up. If we allow Terri Schivao to die, it will be yet another victory for the terrorists who don't value the culture of life the way we do.

And we'd appreciate it if you didn't bring up those 35 people Florida executed in the last 15 years, mmmkay?

As if they didn't have enough PR problems

How bad does it piss off the Catholic Church off they can't just ban the damn thing, like in the good old days?

Genoa Cardinal Tarcisio Bertone, who previously was a high-ranking official of the Vatican's office on doctrinal orthodoxy, told Vatican Radio on Tuesday that the runaway success of [The Da Vinci Code] is proof of "anti-Catholic" prejudice.

Allegations in the novel that Jesus married Mary Magdalene and has descendants have outraged many Christians and have been dismissed by historians and theologians.

Hold on a sec...yep, just had to check that the definition for "novel" on Dictionary.com still starts out with the words, "A fictional prose narrative." Bertone makes it sound like people won't be able to tell the difference between the made-up events of The Da Vinci Code and the indisputable and unalterable facts of the Gospels. And that's just nutty.

"The distribution strategy has been absolutely exceptional marketing, even at Catholic bookstores — and I've already complained about the Catholic bookshops which, for profit motives, have stacks of this book," said Bertone, who has been mentioned as a possible successor to Pope John Paul II.

Shocked, shocked I am to learn that businesses associated with the Catholic Church might be interested in making money. That's as crazy as saying an organization dedicated to eradicating abortion would also counsel against using birth control.

Asked about commentary that the book's success is "only further proof of the fact that anti-Catholicism is the last acceptable prejudice," the cardinal exclaimed. "It's the truth."

"There's a great anti-Catholic prejudice," Bertone said. "I ask myself if a similar book was written, full of lies about Buddha, Mohammed, or, even, for example, if a novel came out which manipulated all the history of the Holocaust or of the Shoah, what would have happened?"

Admittedly, the only ones who seem to get all "jihad-y" about their respective holy men being dissed in a work of fiction are radical Muslims, so you're in good company there, Cardinal.

As for novels about the Holocaust, I'm sure they're out there, but I imagine the Jews have their hands full dealing with so-called "experts" claiming it never happened in the first place.

Feel my serpentine

Once again, my cup runneth over:

Samuel L. Jackson is in talks to star in "Flight 121," a New Line thriller that will start production in May. David Ellis, who helmed "Final Destination 2" and "Cellular" for New Line, will direct reports Variety.

Jackson plays an FBI agent on a long quest to bring a ruthless mob boss to justice. He finds a witness and takes him on a commercial flight from Hawaii to L.A. Trouble is, the mob boss has loaded the cargo with all kinds of venomous snakes.

Doubtless some of you thought I was kidding about this.

Now that Jackson is on board (snicker), I officially withdraw my trepidation concerning the project. My confidence in the ability of the director of Cellular to make a compelling story out of CGI snakes and Mace Windu knows no bounds.

Conjugal weekend at Bernie's?

So what. Big deal:

Bernard Ebbers, the former CEO of WorldCom, was found guilty Tuesday for his role in the mammoth accounting scandal that resulted in the largest bankruptcy in U.S. history.

A federal jury in New York, on its eighth day of deliberations, convicted Ebbers on all nine counts that he helped mastermind an $11 billion accounting fraud at WorldCom, now known as MCI.

Ebbers, 63, had been charged with one count of conspiracy, one count of securities fraud and seven counts of filing false statements with securities regulators. He faces up to 85 years in prison, but sentencing guidelines are expected to result in a shorter term that legal experts say could nonetheless put Ebbers behind bars for the rest of his life.

85 years is far less than the son of a bitch deserves, but far, far more than he will ever see. I don't know if I'd go so far as to say he'll be pardoned - he may be too high profile for that - but I'll be mightily surprised is he does time anywhere but a minimum security joint.

Which is too bad, because I really wanted to trot out that old Dennis Miller line (back when he was funny) about how, on the other side of the wall, "insider training takes on a whole new meaning."

What do you know? I just did.

Throwing the book at me

Len from Dark Bilious Vapors passes the baton to me. I gingerly accept it, sniff it warily, and gnaw on it for a while.

You're stuck inside Fahrenheit 451, which book do you want to be?

I assume that means the "living books" at the end, and not the ones that actually get - y'know - burned. In that case, I'd probably pick something that would make me popular with the ladies, like Thinner Thighs in 30 Days.

Forced to answer seriously, I'd pick something I wouldn't mind telling over and over, like Watership Down or Good Omens.

Have you ever had a crush on a fictional character?

Just books, right? Then probably not. I'd like to say Eowyn from Lord of the Rings, but I have a feeling I'm just transposing Miranda Otto over that memory.

The last book you bought is:

Captains Outrageous by Joe R. Lansdale.

The last book you read:

Generation of Swine by Hunter S. Thompson.

What are you currently reading?

The First World War by John Keegan.

Five books you would take to a deserted island.

As with "desert island discs" questions, I cheat on stuff like this. If the parameters of your little questionnaire don't agree with my selections of the Led Zeppelin box set or Monty Python's Instant Record Collection, then ask somebody else.

Having got that bit of pissiness out of the way, and (like Tommy and Len) making the assumption that I don't need a book on survival skills:

5. Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail 1972 - Hunter S. Thompson
4. The Hitchhikers' Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
3. Watchmen - Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons
2. The Collected Edgar Allen Poe
1. The Complete Book of Life-Sized Inflatable Rafts

Who are you going to pass this stick to (3 persons) and why?

Nobody, I think. Others can feel free to play along, but I'm not going to call anyone out. For all I know, none of you read anything but cereal boxes and The Star.

And APCB, of course.

The Dirty South by Southwest

I think that should about do it for "south" puns. For this year, anyway.

The "Film Threat Sucks!" panel was fun, even if some guy named Gore did the majority of the talking. I told an anecdote about the trials and tribulations of being an online critic and generally limited myself to making snarky asides to what other people were saying. Essentially, it was live-action blogging. Still, I had several people come up to me yesterday and tell me how much they liked the panel. I also think I gave tentative agreement to come up to a film festival in Oklahoma City. That'll teach me to talk to industry people while hung over.

Speaking of hangovers, things got a bit hazy after the Jesus Is Magic screening Saturday night (review pending). I hit the Hooligans after party at Maggie May's with some of the guys, and was actually on my way back to the car when I got word from Eric that he was at some place called the Red Fez with some of the organizers of the Sidewalk Film Festival. Being horribly underdressed for a Saturday night on 6th Street (shorts, t-shirt, and sneakers) I immediately headed over there. The Fez is a great club, if you like watching couples simulate sex to Nelly played at 120 db. Needless to say, I kept the whiskeys coming at rapid pace. From there it was to a quick trip to Magnolia Cafe (where we saw a very forlorn Zach Galifianakis waiting for Brian Posehn to come out of the bathroom), and then getting dropped off at my friend Stacey's place at 4:15 AM.

Spent most of yesterday afternoon lurking at the FT DVD booth, sucking off the wireless connection at the Convention Center and making frequent trips to the restroom. A bunch of us went to check out an pre-release party for Be Here to Love Me, about the life of Townes Van Zandt. I'll have pictures when I get my shitty disposable camera to Walgreen's, but for now all I have to say is, "Jimmie Dale Gilmore, Joe Ely, and Lyle Lovett all on the same stage singing 'White Freightliner Blues.'"

Was planning on going to the Comedians of Comedy and then the after-party, but real life came up, so now I am back in Houston. I have a robust headache and a decent sunburn, but I had a great time.

Though not as good a time as I'll have in Oklahoma, I'll warrant.

Apologies to Melanie, however, for not being up for breakfast. I hope she'll believe me when I say I wouldn't have been the best company.

P.S. You won't be able to check out the latest Star Wars Report today because the Film Threat server is acting up, so let me just take this opportunity to say it's the greatest thing I've ever written. And you are intellectually poorer for not being able to read it.

Conversations With Famous People, Pt. 12

The Year: 2005
The Place: SXSW Headquarters, Austin Convention Center, Austin, TX
The Person: Flaming Lips frontman Wayne Coyne

Pete: Hey, I hate to sound like a fanboy dickhead, but could I get my picture taken with you?
Wayne Coyne: <stands up, laughing> "Fanboy dickhead?" Man, that's harsh.

Battle some pink robots while reading Conversations with Famous People.

South by Southwest of heaven

Just met Patton Oswalt. He’s a really cool fellow. Also reminisced with the Dallas Observer’s Robert Wilonksy about our days together on the Daily Texan. Back when dinosaurs ruled the earth.

I always appreciate how much more relaxed SXSW is compared to Sundance. The out-of-towners appreciate it even more, except for the dipshit in the press lounge complaining about the Texas heat. It’s 72 degrees outside, asshole. The guy makes me sound like a Bedouin. It almost makes me wish they held this thing in August.

Last night’s penultimate Slobberbone gig was, shall we say, disappointing. It was great to see them after such a long time, I admit, but they really were just going through the motions. An hour and 45 minutes and no encores, after a decent set by Grand Champeen and a strange appearance by the Damnations (strange because, although I enjoy their music, I don’t think they were playing to a very amenable crowd), wasn’t what most of the faithful wanted, I’m afraid. An ideal outcome would be a three hour set with five Neil Young covers and ending with the band spontaneously combusting, but I would’ve settled for “Cortez the Killer.”

And the Parish is no smoking, which probably aggravated the 3 guys in the band who are nicotine fiends.

I am apparently supposed to sit in on the “Film Threat Sucks!” panel taking place in about 10 minutes. More about that later.

Old 97s and the Gourds tonight at Stubbs. If I play cards right, I may not have to see any movies at all.

"I know his name."

Melanie over at delicate flower is expecting a baby. You can enter the sex/birthdate pool in the comments, and even suggest a name. Considering she's having a wedding in less than a month and covering SXSW next week, I'm not surprised she doesn't have the time to think of one herself.

I mean, I'm covering the Film part of SXSW, but all that means is I get to sit on my ass for 2-hour chunks of time 4 or 5 times a day.

But the name thing got me reminiscing. Back when The Wife and I were still deciding on what to call our child, and before we actually had one, I hit upon a great idea for a boy's name: Lucifer.

Let me finish. See, when I was a kid, "Peter" wasn't that popular a moniker, which might have had something to do with all the crap associated with it. Before the age of 12, I had heard infinite variations on my name's association with Rabbits, Cottontails, Pumpkin Eaters, and Pipers Picking a Peck of something or another. After that, I was treated to daily reminders of how you could substitute my name for a certain part of the male anatomy. Boy, that never got old, and thanks to Mom and Dad for the unending stream of laughs.

Even so, there were a couple other guys named "Peter" in my school and/or neighborhood when I was growing up. There were also any number of "Michaels," "Brads," or "Steves." After a while, when your acquaintances started settling out and you became friends with a few people, this wasn't a big deal, but you can imagine the strain involved for parents trying to remember who the hell their kid was hanging out with:

Dad: How was your day, son?
Son: Pretty good, Dad. I went to the park with John.
Dad: John O'Connor or John Parker?
Son: John Emdall.
Dad: Who the hell is that?
Son: Swear jar. He's new. Just transferred from New Jersey.
Dad: So how many Johns is that now?
Son: Six, you forgot John Bigboote, John Ya Ya, and John Small Berries.
Dad: Jesus Christ.
Son: Swear jar, Dad.

Just imagine. But if your kid's hanging out with someone named "Lucifer," there'd be no "Lucifer who?" or "Which Lucifer?" Everyone in town would know who you were talking about.

And if we'd had twins, I'd name the second one Judas. Judas Priest Vonder Haar

The Wife and I are still in negiotiations as of press time.

Upon further review

"Dear Sir, I wish to complain in the strongest possible terms about the [review] which you have just [published]:"

Newspaper and television film critics have been swamped with angry letters from fans of Diary of a Mad Black Woman, denouncing them for panning the film. (The movie appears to be on its way to becoming the sleeper hit of the year, performing strongly with midweek audiences; on Monday it ranked fourth on the box-office list, ahead of Oscar winner, Million Dollar Baby.) The Harrisburg, PA Patriot-News reported today (Wednesday) that it "has been on the receiving end of dozens of calls and e-mails blasting its negative review." Last week, Chicago Sun-Times critic Roger Ebert wrote that since publishing a one-star review of the movie, "I have received more e-mails than about any review I have ever written, outnumbering Fahrenheit 9/11 and Passion of the Christ put together. And they were not all the same message, generated by some web site or its followers. Each manifestly came from an individual reader who felt moved to write." Although most of the letter-writers were African-American and expressed the opinion that the critics failed to take into account the black perspective of the human condition, Ebert pointed out that many black film critics, including Wesley Morris of the Boston Globe and Lisa Kennedy of the Denver Post, also panned the film.

As a white man, I imagine I also lack the "black perspective of the human condition." Having said that, I don't quite believe this so-called perspective requires black people to like shitty movies. That's like saying Eric Harrison of the Houston Chronicle can't legitimately find fault with something like Snowland because he doesn't understand the "Scandinavian experience."

I may be more sensitive to this than most, and with good reason. I get e-mails and comments about my reviews telling me I didn't "get it" or asking me why I'd even review something if I wasn't a fan of the [AvP] comic book/Thackeray/Helen Fielding. My answer, usually, is because reviewing movies is my job (one of them, anyway). If being a cultural and social historian was a requirement for film criticism, there'd be maybe two of us left.

Hey, at least I took a couple of Film History classes.

More than all that, any reviewer's opinions are just that. Mine aren't any more valid than yours, they just happen to have a little more amplitude to them. No one forces you to act on what I have to say or even read my reviews, so feel free to ignore them. Hell, the combined grosses of every movie I've panned in the last 12 months probably tops $1 billion, so you certainly won't be alone.

Doug Brunell makes a few points I agree with in his column today, one of which I'd particularly like to share with you:

One of the critiques that gets leveled at film critics is that we are frustrated filmmakers who enjoy cutting people down to size. In truth, we are frustrated filmgoers who enjoy good movies, but are all too often saddled with crap that wouldn’t even fly as a Pauly Shore film.

How can you diss Bio-Dome like that, Doug? You obviously don't understand the "wiez perspective."

Set the cruise control to 3 knots

"Cruise control." I kill me.

Looks like we got off lucky in getting off the boat when we did (registration required - article reproduced in its entirety):

Repairs crews are trying to get to a Carnival cruise ship loaded with passengers that is having problems at sea.

The cruise ship Ecstasy left Galveston Monday on a five-day trip, but experienced propulsion problems. The ship is expected to arrive at Progreso, Mexico Thursday where the faulty part will be replaced.

This is the second time Ecstasy experienced problems. Over the weekend, the same problem caused the ship to return to Galveston more than a day behind schedule.

A friend who watched the news last night tells me the ship was descrbed as "adrift." Maybe the prevailing winds are out of the east.

I can't tell you without looking at a map where in the hell Progreso is, but I suspect there aren't as many shore attractions there as in Cozumel.

Bet they have great soup, though.

I'm also more than mildly surprised they didn't fix the thing before turning around and leaving with another 2,500 passengers. We were leaving the terminal at the same time passengers for the next cruise were showing up, which means they weren't in port long enough to take care of the problem. Hope Carnival has the checkbook ready.

The Passion of the Crybaby

I'm reminded of that passage from Leviticus about sour grapes. Or was that Aesop?

Mel Gibson has denounced the Oscar ceremonies as "a celebration of mediocrity" and accused academy members of treating his The Passion of the Christ as a political football. "My film is not right-wing or political, but they made it so," he told an interviewer on the Catholic cable channel EWTN (Eternal Word Television Network). Gibson, who won an Oscar for his direction of Braveheart in 1995, remarked: "The whole notion of these awards ceremonies is ludicrous. ... It's really a marketing exercise." He said he decided not to promote the film for Oscar consideration because he realized that doing so would be futile. "I knew exactly what was going to happen. I didn't try to market the film. People are spending 15 or 20 million dollars to market their films. That's a lot of money for a little gold statue."

Leaving aside the obvious question of exactly how much money Paramount and 20th Century Fox spent to cram Braveheart down our throats in '95, let's examine the question of marketing for a moment. Gibson pitched The Passion to just about every studio except Troma and, I predict, got the same repsonse from all of them: "How the hell are we supposed to market a film depicting the nonstop abuse of Christ's final hours and voiced in nothing but Latin and Aramaic?" (remember, Gibson initially didn't even want subtitles for the dialogue) Sure, they can be accused of short-sightedness and a lack of understanding about - as Patton Oswalt describes it - our "crazy, Jesus-loving country," but from a traditional Hollywood perspective, they were right.

And lest we forget, Gibson was perfectly capable of shelling out $30 million of his own money to finance the thing in the first place. Apparently it's all right when a studio's footing the bill to celebrate your mediocre Best Picture entry, but when you actually have to cough up your own bread, it isn't quite the same.

At least he didn't come right out and say "the Jews" were responsible.

"It's a big old shit sandwich and we're all gonna have to take a bite."

Four more years? The first one's barely started and already we get this:

Erasing medical bills, credit card charges and other debts in bankruptcy soon will become more difficult under landmark legislation that has vaulted its last major hurdle before Senate passage.

The legislation gliding toward congressional passage following Tuesday's procedural vote in the Senate would constitute the most sweeping overhaul of U.S. bankruptcy laws in a quarter-century.

Banks, credit card issuers and retailers have pushed for eight years for bankruptcy revisions that would force more people to repay at least part of their debt. It nearly passed in 2002 — failing when the Senate accepted, but House Republicans rejected, a Democratic amendment barring protesters from using bankruptcy to avoid paying court fines for blocking abortion clinics.

This year, with four more Republican senators, the abortion provision was rejected Tuesday on a 53-46 vote. Later the Senate voted 69-31 to limit further amendments, close the debate and hold a final vote this week.

Those with insufficient assets or income could still file a Chapter 7 bankruptcy, which if approved by a judge erases debts entirely after certain assets are forfeited. But those with income above the state's median income who can pay at least $6,000 over five years — $100 a month — would be forced into Chapter 13, where a judge would then order a repayment plan.

Critics say that's unfair because many people who file for bankruptcy have lost their jobs, or are going to lose them.

Not in the eyes of the idealogues and corporate whores pushing this bill. To them, people filing for bankruptcy belong to the same category of lazy Americans who breed to increase their welfare checks and charge up big screen TVs to their Visa, then laugh all the way to bankruptcy court. It also just happens to catch all those indolent slugs who go bankrupt due to catastrophic illness, or from owing credit card companies who - thanks to this same bill - are now free to charge over 30% for some debt.

According to current law, a bankruptcy judge determines under which chapter of the bankruptcy code a person falls — whether they have to repay some or all of their debt.

Sensing a long-elusive victory at hand, Republican backers exulted Tuesday and urged colleagues to move speedily through remaining Senate deliberations.

"The sooner we finish work in the Senate and get the bill to the House, the sooner our bankruptcy system will be focused as it should be on helping those with real need, and less vulnerable to abuse by consumers who have the ability to repay their debts," said Sen. Charles Grassley, R-Iowa, the bill's primary author.

Except for the wealthy, who are allowed to create trusts to protect assets like homes in some states. Trusts cost a lot of money, meaning you and I are out a house if faced with bankruptcy. An amendment to eliminate this (S.AMDT.42) was defeated, as were these:

S.AMDT.15 - Requiring credit card companies to disclose how long it would take to pay back a debt if the consumer only made minimum payments.

This Administration obviously has little faith in our math skills. First they won't provide accurate figures for the future of Social Security, now this.

S.AMDT.16 - Protecting servicemen and veterans from means testing in bankruptcy, among other things.

I guess those yard signs are wrong: you can support the troops or you can support President Bush. Supporting both woud seem to be symptomatic of someone who'd had their corpus callosum severed.

S.AMDT.17 - Providing a homestead floor for the elderly. S.AMDT.29 - Protection for medical debt homeowners.
S.AMDT.32 - Preserving existing bankruptcy protections for individuals experiencing economic distress as caregivers to ill or disabled family members.

"Fuck the old and the sick" is going to be an interesting campaign position for these guys in 2006.

S.AMDT.37 - Exempting debtors from means testing if their financial problems were caused by identity theft.

Serves them right for leaving their identity out there all sexy like that. They were probably asking for it.

S.AMDT.47 - To keep harassing and violent abortion protestors from hiding behind bankruptcy laws.

Pro-lifers are swiftly becoming the most coddled group in the country, legislation wise, though you wouldn't know it the way they bemoan how oppressed they are and equate their struggle with that of Martin Luther King, Jr.

S.AMDT.49 - Protecting employees from being deprived of earnings and retirement if a business files for bankruptcy.

Meanwhile, they'll keep bailing out the Enrons and Worldcoms who run their companies in the ground after buying ivory backscratchers and plundering their emplotyees' 401(k)s.

Never mind, I just saw some queers who want to get married. Forget I said anything.

Yo quiero su sexo

That's probably incorrect, but I doubt George Michael could do much better when making a smartass comment about this story:

A review of 7,300 Arizona teenagers' behavior, which should translate well to other states that border Mexico, including Texas, found that 31 percent of Hispanic teens who speak primarily English have had sex, more than twice the percentage of those who speak primarily Spanish, 14 percent.

I can imagine the chilling effect the thought of those newly randy Messicans feeling up their Anglo offspring will have on the predominantly right wing "English First" crowd.

But wait, it's worse:

The study, published in this month's Archives of Pediatrics & Adolescent Medicine, adds evidence to the so-called healthy immigrant paradox, that Hispanics coming to the United States are healthier than second- and third-generation U.S. residents from the same countries.

Various research has found that less-Americanized Hispanic children have healthier diets, better immunization rates, fewer suicide attempts, and decreased use of tobacco, alcohol and drugs than more Americanized adolescents.

Well, sure. It's only once you've gotten concerns like food, shelter, and employment taken care of that you have the free time to bemoan your banal and meaningless existence. That's something American teens have been doing for decades.

Hell, some of us never stopped.

Elvis needs boats

And so does Carnival, judging by the "mechanical problem" with the propulsion system that caused us to return to port some 14 hours laster than planned from Cozumel. As a result, I'm pretty much completely swamped. More later.

But first, these observations:

1. Remind me to incorporate my eventual business venture in Panama like Carnival. That way I can hire nothing but people from Indonesia and the Eastern Bloc and pay them jack shit.
2. I refuse to believe, as the Macedonian bartender told me, that I was the "first person in four years" to know where Macedonia was. I got a few free drinks out of it, at least.
3. There was something called a "party boat" shore excursion in Cozumel, which was a 4-hour ride around the island on a boat with free booze. It started at 9 AM. Didn't go on it, though I was surprised at the number people over the age of 30 who did.
And judging by the number of them I saw eating pavement afterwards, I'm glad I declined.

In retrospect, I don't think the problem is that I'm not sedentary enough for a cruise, but rather that I don't like being sedentary around that many other people. Overall, we had a good time, but if they could've eliminated about 95% of the other passengers, yet kept the bartenders and the casino open, I'd sign up every year.

And maybe they could get some oarsmen. We weren't even going fast enough on Sunday to water ski.

L8ter sk8ters

She Who Shall Not Be Named has been packed off the grandma's, and The Wife and I are leaving today for a trip south of the border for sun, suds, and - most importantly - sleep. I'll be back next week.

Keep reading the fine blogs listed over there on the right, and check for my review of Be Cool on Film Threat tomorrow.

Confession Time - Bullish on the Rodeo

At Confession Time, we preferred Pam to Sissy in Urban Cowboy.

It's Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo time again in Houston, which means most of us will be avoiding the South Loop and the Astrodome area like Jonah Goldberg avoids enlisting. I've attended the rodeo quite a few times in the past, mostly to catch a musical act (nothing says initmate, fan-friendly venue like sitting on the front row and still being 100 yards from the band) or crash a friend's BBQ tent. Sometimes, just sometimes, I would head in and check out the actual events.

Not being from Texas originally, I never fancied myself the cowboy type. My friends and I played at it occasionally as kids, but were more prone to emulate our favorite TV cops (I was Hutch) until Star Wars came along and made us fight over who got to be Han. Still, I had come curiosity about the ins and outs of calf-roping and bronco busting, so in I'd go. Most of the events left me pretty cold, except one: bull riding.

I love bull riding. I'll even watch Country Music Television to catch it, and not because I have any kind of admiration for these guys who mount a pissed off animal of that size and then try to stay on, it's because I root for the bulls.

Face it, most events in the rodeo have some kind of antecedent in the Old West. Cowboys had to break horses by riding them, calves had to be roped and bulldogged to be branded. You can argue about the need for this kind of activity to be performed in an air conditioned stadium for entertainment, but at least they all have a certain historical legitimacy.

Not bull riding. I'd like to see these guys from the Professional Bull Riders Association go back in time to the 1880s and tell some trailhand, "Hey Zeke, we need you to climb up on the back of this 2,000 pound bull and try to stay on after we annoy it with cattle prods*. It's not to break him to the saddle or anything, but just because we think it looks cool." He'd spit chaw on your foot, at the very least.

Bull riders get what's coming to them, as far as I'm concerned. The only reason the sport even exists is because saddle-bronc riding wasn't "extreme" enough. Well, nothing's more extreme than a colapsed lung and a crushed femur or two. Ride 'em cowboys.

And no diatribe about bull riding would be complete without this passage from the PBR's own web site about one of their "top bulls:"

At the end of 2004, Little Yellow Jacket had been ridden only 11 times in 76 BFTS attempts to an average score of 93 points. PBR Livestock Superintendant and Vice President Cody Lambert described Little Yellow Jacket as, "a once-in-a-lifetime bull. He has the kind of heart, desire, and athletic ability that true champions in any walk of life possess. If they're athletes, once they leave their sport, it nevers seems the same."

I wish we had ESPN back when whaling was still practiced by this country. Imagine the "athlete's profiles" they cook up of giant sea mammals being stuck with harpoons.

* For purposes of this entry, we'll assume you won't have to explain electricity to him

Rumors of Wayne Dolcefino's involvement in this investigation have been quashed

Welcome to Houston, our local news coverage blows the pants off the competition:

A "3-foot rule" is supposed to keep strippers a certain distance from customers, but not all topless entertainers are following that law, according to a Local 2 investigation Wednesday.

On a recent Saturday night at a local strip club, Local 2's undercover cameras caught a topless dancer sitting in a client's lap while he rubbed his hands up and down her body. She was only wearing a g-string. By law, it should not have happened.

Eight years ago, Houston's City Council fought to pass the ordinance that regulates sexually oriented businesses. So, it's currently illegal for a dancer to touch a customer or his clothing while entertaining or exposing private parts.

In case you missed it, this was a typical sweeps period broadcast for our local networks: neck down shots of gyrating dancers and grainy hidden camera footage of the incident in question. So important was this earthshaking report, it led the news ahead of the story about a guy murdered and left in the middle of Wayside on the southeast side of town.

Local 2 took its undercover video to State Rep. Martha Wong. She was a Houston city council member when the ordinance passed.

"I don't need to see any more," Wong said.

She insisted on the 3-foot rule eight years ago. Now, she is insisting that customers and strippers abide by the law.

"I hope there are members of council who are going to question the police chief on why he's not enforcing the laws that are on the books and insisting that he do so and also letting the mayor know that we are not going to put up with this," Wong said.

Wong said she is ready to take the matter to the state capital, if Houston City Council or law enforcement officers don't take action.

Good to see the spirit of limited government is alive and well in the Republican party. Maybe these same council members could remind Martha "No Thong" Wong (as Chuck calls her) that Houston cops, facing a manpower shortage of some 700 officers in the coming year, have better things to do than making sure Midori With One "R" isn't rubbing her buttocks against Joe Change Management Consultant's crotch.

Happily, the Mayor echoes my feelings. Or does he?

"There's too many strip clubs. There's too much abuses that occur within them," [Mayor White] said. "I'm not for taking police off investigations or responding to calls for service, reducing our response time in order to shut down every strip joint and comply with the law. I think the law should be enforced."

Say what? How's that going to happen? Will every patron of Rick's get the equivalent of one of those doggy shock collars for his genitals? Let Chastity get too close, and you're risking a nasty shock to the yarbles.

Local 2 showed the undercover tape to Lt. Robert Manzo of the Houston Police Department. He said his department investigates complaints, but the people closest to the action rarely call.

"Obviously, you wouldn't expect the customer to call about the dancer violating the 3-foot rule. And that's another reason for us not to get hardly any complaints," Manzo said.

The obvious solution would seem to be hiring, as undercover agents, those most offended by actions taking place in a windowless building far away from the eyes of "the children." Unfortunately, it's not yet known how they'd reconcile their well-known proscriptions against alcohol and smut with paying a $15 cover charge and abiding by the two-drink minimum.

The cops named Frantz / They don't wear underpants

I was less surpised to hear that NYPD Blue had ended its 12-year run yesterday evening was than I was to discover it had been on the air all this time to begin with. I caught a few episodes in the Caruso era, but I got my fill of Dennis Frantz's shtick in Hill Street Blues. And frankly, I'm not sure how anybody kept watching after Zach from Saved By The Bell signed on.

But never mind that, the San Jose Mercury News has an article commemorating the occasion and - as an added bonus - listing its top 10 cop (America, law enforcement only) shows of all time. Listed chronologically:

Dragnet (1951-59, 1967-70)
Naked City (1958-63)
The Mod Squad (1968-73)
Columbo (1971-93)
Barney Miller (1975-82)
Hill Street Blues (1981-87)
Cagney & Lacey (1982-88)
Miami Vice (1984-89)
Law and Order (1990 - present)
Homicide: Life on the Street (1993-99)
CSI: Crime Scene Investigation (2000 - present)
The Shield (2002 - present)

Please. Dragnet made Adam-12 seem cutting edge. Cop shows pre-1968 should be disqualified solely because the studio execs behind them were still producing crap like The Brady Bunch and Laugh-In.

Of course, I never caught Naked City.

The Mod Squad was crap. Stylish and struggling to be hip, but crap nonetheless. I was a kid when I watched it, and even I knew this. The opening sequence was pretty cool, however.

Columbo had its moments, and I have to admit to not seeing many of the episodes upon their original airing. My mom was probably watching Centennial, which is the reason I never got to see the second season of Battlestar Galactica, but that's a traumatic childhood story for another time.

I would absolutely put Barney Miller on my "best of" list. And not just for the theme song. Great stories, great characters, and Abe Vigoda.

Hill Street Blues also gets a spot. I probably got my first meaning of the word "gritty" from watching this.

I never watched Cagney & Lacey, but my mother did. I'm sure she could give you some insight that a Y-chromosoner like myself probably missed. Miami Vice was also one of those shows I caught when I could, but never paid a lot of attention to. Even in 1984, I knew cops didn't live on boats with a freaking alligator. And to kids who already watched MTV, the show's "MTV-style editing" was hardly that impressive.

I've already commented on Law and Order here. I have no further comments, except that "ripped from the headlines" eventually works against you, as you automatically start looking to the most improbable suspect as the perpetrator.

Homicide, on the other hand, is awesome. Realistic characters, season-long story arcs, and compelling plots. This show was better than network TV deserved. I'm surprised it lasted as long as it did.

The same doesn't apply to CSI, which - though I hate to admit it - features one of my all-time favorite actors (Petersen, natch). The freak of the week angle, however, is getting old.

And so is Marg Helgenberger. I liked her in China Beach (overshadowed as she was by the glory of Dana Delaney), but it might be time to stop dressing like your daughter.

The Shield makes my list as well, if only for the end of season 2, where the Strike Team faces the ramifications of their take from the money train.

But enough of my bitching. Here are APCB's Top 10 Cop Shows:

10. TJ Hooker - My sister, who was all of 7 years old at the time, was the first to say how stupid it was that something had to blow up in every episode. I calmly shot her with my TJ Hooker-brand Riot Gun(TM).
9 Kojak - Accept no substitutes
8. Hawaii Five-O - Much as I love Thomas Magnum, Steve McGarrett would've kicked his ass.
7. The Blue Knight - A 1973 TV-movie ased on Joseph Waumbuagh's novel and starring William Holden, it's one of the most realistic depictions of a cop's life ever.
6. Hill Street Blues
5. The Shield
4. COPS - A Saturday night college ritual, and an inspiration. I'd get off work at 6, grab something to eat, watch COPS, then head out on the town to commit similar heinous acts of mild perversion.
3. Barney Miller
2. Homicide: Life on the Street
1. The Wire - I don't apologize for being a slave to the Best Show on TV. It makes every other show on this list look like Car 54, Where Are You? I've already articulated my threat to drop HBO if they cancel the show, even though I'm sure some other deluded goofball made similar threats over Mind of the Married Man.

Honorable mentions to Police Woman, and SWAT.

UPDATE: List edited to correct my recollection (in my own defense, I was 6 years old) of Kolchak: The Night Stalker being a cop show.

"But the senator, while insisting he was not intoxicated, could not explain his nudity."

With shows like Miami Vice and Moonlighting finally getting a DVD release some 20 years after their original airing, one critically acclaimed series has always been conspicuous in its absence from the ranks of the digital revolution. I speak, of course, of WKRP in Cincinatti.

Now, after years of speculation, we get the official word that we're unlikely to get DVDs of WKRP any time soon, if ever (via Fark):

WKRP in Cincinnati was one of the most popular television shows of the late '70s and early '80s, but it is unlikely ever to be released on DVD because of high music-licensing costs.

The show, which centered on a fledging[sic] radio station with a nerdy news director and wild disc jockeys, had a lively soundtrack, playing tunes from rock 'n' rollers like Ted Nugent, Foreigner, Elton John and the Eagles.

For many TV shows, costs to license the original music for DVD are prohibitively high, so rights owners replace the music with cheaper tunes, much to the irritation of avid fans. And some shows, like WKRP, which is full of music, will probably never make it to DVD because of high licensing costs.

"The indication from the studios is that we may never see (WKRP in Cincinnati) because of all the music that would have to be licensed," said David Lambert, news director of TVShowsOnDVD.com, a clearinghouse of information on TV shows released on DVD. "As the DJ spins the record as he's talking to Loni Anderson, if there is music playing even for a couple of seconds, then the people producing the DVDs would have to license it."

Hardly surprising. Reruns of the show on Nick at Nite and elsewhere have featured some of the most grotesque and hilarious musical filler instead the original songs that were played. This is a problem for a number of older shows whose DVD releases have been marred by music changes (Quantum Leap and Northern Exposure, for example, and both also mentioned in the article).

Fox Home Entertainment wouldn't provide an official release date for DVDs of the show.

"It's not totally dead in the water, but there is a huge obstacle of music licensing," said spokeswoman Shari Rosenblum. "It's being looked at and it's on the radar."

I have no idea how big the market for WKRP DVDs would be. The show was #11 in the Nielsen ratings for 1979-80, but doesn't appear in the top 20 after that. I wouldn't mind seeing the original, unaltered shows again, but probably wouldn't devote any rapidly shrinking shelf space to the discs themselves. Part of me thinks Fox is just being cheap, and part of me wonders if they'd actually make a profit once they shelled out for all the licensing fees.

And part of me wants to run off to Rio with Bailey Quarters.

Bad dad

Being an acknowledged Expert in all matters regarding child rearing doesn't mean I'm entirely dismissive of the opinions of others. Even so, I thoroughly enoyed this entry about "mothering drive-bys" at Chez Miscarriage (found on Melanie's site). It's geared specifically to moms, but there's plenty info that will be familiar to fathers as well.

The point, for those not up to reading the whole thing, is that allowing a child to drink sugared apple juice or failing to keep their head covered in 40 degree weather does not equate to systemic child abuse or neglect, and please don't make the comparison. Letting your child play in mud isn't the same as this.

So moved was I by this piece that it has allowed me to come forwards and admit some of my own failings as a father. I hope, when she's older, my daughter can forgive me for the following parental transgressions:

1. I let her eat cookies. Not just the baby aisle kind, but actual cookies. Shortbread even.
2. I have let her go more than three days without a bath,
3. I will turn on Sesame Street (specifically, "Elmo's World") to prevent her being underfoot when I have something to attend to in the kitchen or the bathroom.
4. I have let her cry herself back to sleep.
5. Since the radio is usually on in when she's playing in the living room, I'm reasonably sure a couple of profanities have aired within her hearing.
6. And I'm certain I've personally aired dozens, if not hundreds, of profanities within her hearing.
7. I have let her pick up a Cheerio off the floor and eat it. More than once. Hell, more than half a dozen times.
8. I have taken photos of her strictly for future embarrassment potential.
9. I have put her shoes on the wrong feet and not noticed for almost an hour.
10. I have dressed her in Longhorn garb purely to annoy her mother.

My shame knows no limits.