A Perfectly Cromulent Blog

"Hi, Mickey O'Brien, aquaduct security. We've had a report of a guy coming through here with, uh, eight reindeer."

Most stores have already started putting Christmas decorations up. And since the holidays coincide with deer hunting season here in Texas, I felt I had to share this picture, sent to me by Mac, who is obviously pining for the Lone Star State over there in Florida:

This is why Santa doesn't come to Wimberley anymore.

Monday Offspring Blogging

While The Wife was getting her booze on with her girlfriends in Austin the weekend, I endeavored to find ways to keep She Who Shall Not Be Named from destroying the house and/or herself out of boredom. To that end, we found ourselves at the Day of the Dead Festival yesterday.

Much as I'd like to tell you this was an even commemorating George A. Romero's 1985 movie, with fun family activities like Bake and Eat Your Own Brain and the interactive Tear Out Capt. Rhodes' Entrails exhibit, that wasn't the case. The festival in question commemorated Dia de los Muertos, which takes place November 1st and 2nd. It was pretty small, but there was a playground where my daughter could annoy the older kids with her trademarked slow-motion creep down the various slides. She also liked the music, which forced me to ask some hard questions. Specifically, would I prefer my daughter playing mariachi music in my home over whatever bland, formulaic pop will be in fashion when she's a teenager? Or should I just puncture my eardrums with sewing needles now and get it over with?

Before the festival, he stopped at Pig Stand #7 for breakfast. Less important than our choice of fare (pancakes) however, was the conversation taking place between a young boy and his parents at the booth next to ours. If you recall the lies Calvin's dad used to tell him from the comic strip, you'll have a pretty good idea how this mother and father operated. This was my favorite excerpt, concerning what Halloween-themed movie they should watch that afternoon:

Boy: Can we get House of Wax?
Mom: Ooh, I like Vincent Price.
Boy: No, not Vincent Price, Paris Hilton.
Dad: Can't say I've ever heard of her. How about you, honey?
Mom: Doesn't ring a bell.
Dad: Say, you know what would be a good movie? The Ghost and Mr. Chicken.
Boy: The what?
Mom: Good choice, I love Don Knotts.
Boy: Who's Don Knotts?
Dad: Heresy.
Mom: He's Mick Jagger's brother. They had a falling out years ago, I hear.
Dad: You can see the resemblence.
Mom: Don Knotts was also the face of the demon in The Exorcist.
Dad: We could always watch that.
Boy: Really?
Dad. Ha ha. No.

I felt sorry for that kid, but it was quite entertaining.

Not Scooter!

Next you'll tell me Sam the Eagle is under investigation for selling secrets to the Russians.*

As for the actual story, my opinion of any adult who still goes by the nickname "Scooter" is not changed by yesterday's news. If anything, he should have been cognizant of the fact that his name sticks out more on a list of potential indictees than a "Richard," "Karl," or "Scott."

* The Eagle and the Snowman?

Phil Spectorhands

Seadogs passes along this truly frightening picture of everybody's favorite (allegedly) murderous record producer with the comment, "Is it just me, or does this picture of Phil Spector remind you of Edward Scissorhands?"

It's not just you.

My theory, since you asked, is that Phil became obsessed when his ex-wife sang with Eddie Money on "Take Me Home Tonight" in 1986. Having gotten by on only 2 or 3 hours of sleep a night for most of hIs adult life, however, he became confused as to who Money actually was, and so copped the look of the only other Edward he was familiar with in order to win Ronnie back.

What? It's possible.

Two zoo reviews

Note: these reviews actually have nothing to do with zoos...

North Country - Went up last week, but I was too busy fantasizing about Charlize Theron in a miner's helmet to let you know.

Saw II - Oh yes, there was blood. Too bad there wasn't much else.

Stay on target

Sad news for geek movie fans: Bill Hootkins - recognizable character actor from a number of genre films in the 70s and 80s - has passed away from pancreatic cancer. He was 57.

Among his roles:

Star Wars - Red Six (Jek Porkins)
Porkins: "I got a problem here..."
Biggs: "Eject!"
Porkins: "I can hold it."
Biggs: "Pull up!"
Porkins: "No, I'm all right, I'm all...yarrgghh!" [explodes]

Flash Gordon - Munson
"Dr. Zarkov! There's no sun! It's 8:24 in the morning, and there's no sun!"
He would later flee Dr. Zarkov's attempts to get him to board the rocket.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - Major Eaton
Major Eaton: "We have top men working on it."
Indy: "Who?"
Major Eaton: "Top. Men."

we'll leave aside Superman IV: The Quest for Peace for now

Batman - Lt. Eckhardt
Knox: "You know what they say? They say he can't be killed. They say he drinks blood. They say..."
Eckhardt: "And I say you're full of shit, Knox. Oh, uh, you can quote me on that."

Two other things...

I once won an argument with someone (who shall remain nameless) who claimed that Hootkins played Jim the computer nerd in WarGames. This was, in fact, Maury Chaykin.

Mark Bell of Film Threat DVD tells a great story about how he got access to lots of shit at Star Wars Celebration in Indianapolis this year by telling people he was Hootkins' son. If that sounds implausible, well, you'd have to meet Mark.

"Hey, that's a pretty catchy chant, where'd you hear it?"
"Oh, I heard it at that moustache parade they have every year."

Those strange bedfellows can be a bitch:

Backers of a constitutional amendment on the Nov. 8 ballot that would bar same-sex marriage quickly distanced themselves Wednesday from an upcoming "anti-homosexual marriage rally" sponsored by the Ku Klux Klan.

The city of Austin confirms that it has granted a pre-election reservation to the American White Knights of the Ku Klux Klan, which requested space on the City Hall south plaza for two speakers, two microphones, flags, banners and signs.

The group plans to rally Nov. 5 in favor of Proposition 2, the constitutional amendment defining marriage as between one man and one woman. Texas statutes already ban recognition of gay marriage in Texas.

"I think it is most unfortunate. I certainly think it doesn't help any issue to have the Ku Klux Klan associated with it," said Laurence White, pastor of Our Savior Lutheran Church in Houston and head of the Texas Restoration Project, which is encouraging Christian conservatives to vote in the election.

"I have absolutely nothing to do with it," said state Rep. Warren Chisum, R-Pampa, author of the proposed amendment. "I didn't ask them to come and do this, and they're doing it on their own — not with my approval."

One might think finding yourself on the same side of an issue as the KKK would cause you to...oh I don't know, reexamine your position. Espcially with regard to a proposed Constitutional amendment that is completely pointless in the first place (gay marriage is already illegal in Texas).

Then again, the movement behind Proposition 2 stems from the same hate-filled ideology the Klan supports. Couching your intolerance and homophobia in so-called "Christian" dogma doesn't make it any less deplorable. The Klan describes itself as a Christian organization as well, after all.

Jessica Edwards, state secretary of the Texas arm of the American White Knights of the KKK, described the event as a "Pro Family Values Rally" in her request, but the group's Web site bills it as an "anti-homosexual marriage rally."

Edwards wrote that the group is a "peaceful organization" but that "obviously" security will be an issue. "Our speech will not be inflammatory, but we all know the reputation of the name of the KKK, so we expect anti-Klan demonstrators to be there who may become violent," she wrote.

Yeah, they'd just hate it if their organization - which only became "peaceful" when it ceased being socially acceptable to hang black people from trees - incited any violent reaction. They couldn't throw this thing together fast enough after word about the Toledo riots got out.

Where - curiously enough - the Klan has a rally scheduled in March.

Glen Maxey, who heads anti-proposition group No Nonsense in November, said it would be unfair to assume those who support the proposition also support the Klan.

"It just ticks me off that people like this purport to speak for anyone, including people on the other side of the debate," said Maxey, an Austin Democrat who served several years in the Legislature as its only openly gay member.

I see Maxey's point, and it might be understandable if the Klan was coming out in favor of something they weren't normally associated with, like toll road issues, or crop subsidies, but anti-homosexual rhetoric has been part of the KKK's menu for decades.

"It's certainly not helpful," he added. "As a political consultant, I'd be drinking a stiff one right now if I had to deal with these people articulating my message."

Uh, moving on...

Steven Edwards, of the American White Knights in Texas, said the group rallying in Austin isn't a "typical" Klan group. "We do not wear our robes and hoods in public, and we do not shout racial obscenities," he wrote in an e-mail.

So you're cowards. Thanks for clearing that up.

Sports flash

Don't worry about being swept in the World Series Astros fans, you'll get over it. Trust me.

Now, can we all get back to bitching about how lousy the Texans are?

In other news, my high school alma mater is 7-1 and 5-0 in District play. Go Tigers.

Too much horror business

The Horror Channel launches this Thursday...sort of:

The Horror Channel (THC), a leading broadband content provider of horror, terror and suspense programming, announced today that it will present a tribute to film director George A. Romero on The Men’s Channel at midnight EDT on Thursday, October 27th.

The Men’s Channel is carried nationwide on both cable and satellite. Programming will feature films, interviews, music videos and other content including great shopping opportunities for horror fans and collectors. Following the premiere on October 27th, additional programming from THC can be seen on The Men's Channel on Saturday nights at midnight (eastern) starting November 5th.

There's nothing scarier than a poorly worded PR release, boy howdy.

At least their acronym will provide teens with a convenient euphemism for pot smoking:

Dad: Where do you two think you're going?
#1 Son: We're just heading over to Danny's house.
#2 Son: Yeah, we're going to watch some...THC.
[both sons snicker]
Dad: Ah, the Horror Channel, off you go then.
#1 Son [sotto voce]: God, I hate him.
#2 Son: I know, I wish Mom had taken us with her.

All this is news to Dish Network, as their page still doesn't show anyting about a Romero tribute tomorrow night on The Men's Channel (I've checked it out, imagine watching nothing but commercials that air during Sunday football games and you've pretty much got the gist) or anything on November 5. I suppose I'll set the DVR for 11 PM tomorrow night and see what happens.

"We are thrilled to present our programming on The Men's Channel. This gives us a significant new opportunity to reach our core demographic of viewers," said Nicholas Psaltos, Founder and General Manager of THC.

Speaking as a horror fan, please don't describe bald, SUV-driving, erectile dysfunctional dudes as your "core demographic." We prefer to go by "hygienically challenged, nacho-scarfing, twitchy spazmoids." Get it right.

Needless to say, I'm not too optimistic about "THC's" chances, which I went into in some further detail here.

Ripping yarns

You know, I like to think I'm pretty "hip" and "with it" when it comes to all things zombie, but every once in a while something like this comes along that just sort of makes you sit a spell and realize, when it comes to obsession, you're in the minor leagues baby (click for larger version):

That's one of the airport zombies from 1978's Dawn of the Dead. She's got more. Much more. Go check them out.

Thanks to The Thing That Walks Like A Man for the link

"Now they'll never save your brain, Hitler"

California Nazis. I hate California Nazis:

Thirteen-year-old twins Lamb and Lynx Gaede have one album out, another on the way, a music video, and lots of fans.

They may remind you another famous pair of singers, the Olsen Twins, and the girls say they like that. But unlike the Olsens, who built a media empire on their fun-loving, squeaky-clean image, Lamb and Lynx are cultivating a much darker personna. They are white nationalists and use their talents to preach a message of hate.

Known as "Prussian Blue" — a nod to their German heritage and bright blue eyes — the girls from Bakersfield, Calif., have been performing songs about white nationalism before all-white crowds since they were nine.

An all-white crowd in Bakersfield. Like that's a tough proposition.

Congratulations to the white supremacists. It only took you 14 years (Blood in the Face, which is where I first heard the idea put forth, came out in 1991) to raise some cute teenaged girls to put an attractive face on your ideology. Maybe in another decade and a half you can assemble an all-male group that doesn't cop the overcompensating closet case look.

"We're proud of being white, we want to keep being white," said Lynx. "We want our people to stay white … we don't want to just be, you know, a big muddle. We just want to preserve our race."

Trust me, you don't need to sing White Power ballads to "keep being white." Short of joining the Blue Man Group or getting the wrong color blood in a transfusion, I'm pretty sure the girls will stay Caucasian for the rest of their lives.

As for the alleged disadvantages of "muddling" our racial purity, I frankly wish there was a little Guatemelan or Vietnamese in my background. Maybe then my predominantly German-Irish digestive system could handle something spicier than corned beef and cabbage or Braunschweiger.

Lynx and Lamb have been nurtured on racist beliefs since birth by their mother April. "They need to have the background to understand why certain things are happening," said April, a stay-at-home mom who no longer lives with the twins' father. "I'm going to give them, give them my opinion just like any, any parent would."

April home-schools the girls, teaching them her own unique perspective on everything from current to historical events. In addition, April's father surrounds the family with symbols of his beliefs — specifically the Nazi swastika. It appears on his belt buckle, on the side of his pick-up truck and he's even registered it as his cattle brand with the Bureau of Livestock Identification.

What is it about home schooling that attracts the fundamentalist and the bigot? Oh right, it allows them to shield their kids from anything that might make them realize Mom and Dad are full of shit.

And a swastika on the pickup? Finally, Chevy and Ford owners have a common cause to rally against.

Songs like "Sacrifice" — a tribute to Nazi Rudolf Hess, Hitler's deputy Fuhrer — clearly show the effect of the girls' upbringing. The lyrics praise Hess as a "man of peace who wouldn't give up."

"It really breaks my heart to see those two girls spewing out that kind of garbage," said Ted Shaw, civil rights advocate and president of the NAACP's Legal Defense Fund — though Shaw points out that the girls aren't espousing their own opinions but ones they're being taught.

C'mon...Hess parachuted into Scotland to try and convince Britain to let Germany fight the Soviet Union unmolested. That the man had slightly more respect for the lives of the English over those of the heathen Communists hardly makes him a pacifist.

And while I agree with Shaw to a point, these kids are getting to the age where they need to start questioning what they've been taught. I find it horrible that they've been brought up the way they have, but if they're ever going to free themselves from Mom's brainwashing, now's the time.

Seen at Blog d'Elisson

"Good bye, student loans!"

This is nothing, my portfolio on HSX is, like, $400 million.

Seen at TFG and TDF.

Uh, what?

The Longhorns were never really in any danger against Texas Tech last weekend. 53-some odd points a game don't mean much when your schedule largely consists of 1-AA teams (or those that might as well be), so the 52-17 victory was nice, but unsurprising.

Can't say the same for this, however:

In a huge surprise, Texas leapfrogged USC to take the top spot in the new Bowl Championship Series standings released Monday.

Last week, the Trojans held the top spot with a BCS average of .9923, but they slipped to .9756 even after routing the Huskies on the road, 51-24.

The Longhorns, who had been at .9591, moved up to .9763 to claim the top spot after routing Texas Tech at home, 52-17.

USC remained a comfortable No. 1 in both the Harris Interactive and USA Today polls, two of the BCS standings' three components, but had a computer average of just .940 compared to Texas' 1.00.

The .0007 margin between the teams is the slimmest difference between the top two teams in BCS standings history. The last time a team dropped from the top spot without losing was on November 16, 2002, when Miami overtook Ohio State.

The Red Raiders' inflated #7 BCS ranking obviously helped, but come on. I may be a Texas alum and fan, but I've seen USC play. Until somebody beats the Trojans, knocking them out of the #1 spot is pretty questionable.

Anyway, it won't last. Three of USC's remaining opponents are in the top 25 (including #8 UCLA). None of UT's are.

And I'm still surprised Texas didn't get the NCAA death penalty for that stupid Tommy Lee Jones movie.

"Wow...info-tainment."

If you're a college professor and you want to take a day off from lecturing, why not just show a movie like they used to do in high school? It amounts to the same thing:

Hollywood beauty Cameron Diaz gave students at Stanford University a huge shock on Thursday when she turned up unannounced to give a lecture on environmentally friendly design. The Charlie's Angels star's appearance was filmed for the MTV series Stand In, where celebrities such as Marilyn Manson, Melissa Etheridge and Kanye West have appeared as guest lecturers at colleges across America.

I'm torn on how to react to this. My thrifty adult self considers the idea of Diaz, Manson, or West lecturing me on anything other than: the Justin Timberlake nobody knows, how to smoke opium laced with human bones, or why the CIA wants to kill all black people (respectively) laughable, and would likely ask the university to refund my tuition for those credit hours.

Then again, my college-aged self probably wouldn't have shown up for class anyway, since I'd most likely be sleeping off the cumulative effects of a twelve-pack of Mickey's Big Mouth and an all-night Gamera marathon.

And sometimes, the jokes write themselves:

Earlier last week, Madonna surprised students at New York's Hunter College when she turned up to take a film class.

Oh, to have been a student a Hunter College last week...

"Could you compare and contrast the research required for your roles in Who's That Girl? and Desperately Seeking Susan?"

"If you ever get nominated for an Academy Award, do you think we'll see the frogs and the waters turning to blood, or will it just skip straight to three days of darkness and the slaying of the first-born?"

"Do you feel Jodorowsky is the true surrealist heir to Buñuel, or do you think his later films like The Rainbow Thief betray an antiquated...just kidding, what's Lori Petty really like?"

Give up one walk-off home run in the playoffs, shame on you...

Though Podsednik's was decidedly more significant that Pujols', as it gives the Chisox a 2-0 lead coming back to Houston, and dealt yet another blow to Launching Pad Lidge's already shaky confidence.

The Astros haven't been playing bad ball, but the pitching's not there, and Chicago is just getting it done.

OMG WTF BBQ

I FORGOT TODAY IS INTERNATIONAL CAPS LOCKS DAY LOL BUT DONT LISTEN TO ME LOOK HERE TO BE PWNED11!!1ONE:

CAPS LOCK DAY IS A CELEBRATION OF LIFE AND FOREVER SCREAMING TEXT FOR ALL ETERNITY AND LOVE

HERES WHERE I MAKE JOKE ABOUT A/S/L BUT YOU WONT LAUGH SO SUCK ON IT H8ERS ALSO GO HEAR FOR PICS LIKE THIS1:

LOL DAT IS TEH FUNAY L8Z

Buena suerte, Mexico

We were in Cozumel last March, on the ill-fated Cruise That Wouldn't End. Nice people, especially the proprietors of the little restaurant near the interior of San Miguel where we had lunch. Good carnitas, great margaritas.

At the time, I didn't even think about the largely ramshackle construction I saw around me: thatched roofs, flimsy wooden buildings, and those were the tourist traps. The homes of the people who actually lived there, as is usually the case with any so-called "resort" area, were even worse.

So needless to say, this was an unwelcome sight (click for larger image):

That was taken yesterday morning. Cozumel is that island in the center of Wilma's eye. Wilma hit it as a category 4 hurricane, with sustained winds of 145 mph. She's currently parked over the Yucatan coast of Mexico, where they can expect another 24 hours of 120 mph winds and up to 20 inches of rain. Wilma is expected to turn next week and hit Florida, which sure doesn't need another hurricane. I hope everyone in the path of this baby manages to stay safe.

In other news, it looks like The Wife won't be going to Cancun next weekend either.

"No sir, a 10-82 is disappearing a dead hooker from Ben Affleck's trailer."

Another irregular movie trailer update from your faithful cinema guide (and the entry title was the best quote I could find with that word in it on short notice):

Jarhead - This comes out in a couple of weeks, but the trailer's just starting to go into heavy rotation. The original teaser had me worried, as I wasn't sure they'd captured the spirit of Swofford's excellent book, but I like the looks of this. And they certainly seem to have fleshed out Jamie Foxx's character's role, for some reason.

Having said that, I should probably dislike this on principle. After all, director Sam Mendes is the man who stole Kate Winslet from me.

Underworld: Evolution - Everyone eagerly anticipating an Underworld sequel featuring Kate Beckinsdale and Scott Stapp Speedman cavorting with their brood of vampire/werewolf offspring will just have to keep waiting, as this seems to focus on the "king of the vampires" plotline that worked so well for Blade: Trinity.

Slither - An R-rated amalgam of Squirm and Tremors, by the looks of it, and starring Serenity's Nathan Fillion, to boot. With characters named "MacReady," "Carpenter," and "Hooper," James Gunn is obviously hoping his first directing feature since Tromeo and Juliet will resonate with horror fans and erase some of the bad karma of writing those Scooby Doo movies.

The Doom that came to Sony Pictures

Doom review is up. It was just like the video game, except more characters, and less action, and a dumber plot, and not as much...actually, it was nothing like the game.

Who says comedy is dead?

Make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh:

CIA leak: Sources point to Rove-Libby contacts

WASHINGTON (AP) -- Top White House aides Karl Rove and I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby discussed their contacts with reporters about an undercover CIA officer in the days before her identity was published, the first known intersection between two central figures in the criminal leak investigation.

Rove told grand jurors it was possible he first heard in the White House that Valerie Plame, wife of Bush administration critic Joseph Wilson, worked for the CIA from Libby's recounting of a conversation with a journalist, according to people familiar with his testimony.

They said Rove testified that his discussions with Libby before Plame's CIA cover was blown were limited to information reporters had passed to them. Some evidence prosecutors have gathered conflicts with Libby's account.

Reading the rest of the story, one gets the impression Libby must feel like Brooke Palance in Empire of the Ants after she was abandoned by Robert Pine: all alone, with giant, man-eating insects (AKA federal prosecutors) closing in. Evidence that Libby initiated contact with NBC's Tim Russert and the NYT's Judith Miller before the Novak article doesn't help much.

Rove is characteristically oiling his way around the questions, peppering each response with "I can't recall" and "That's my general recollection."

On the other hand, there this:

Rove testified during the first appearance about his contacts with Novak in the days before Novak wrote a column outing Plame's identity. When asked generally if he had conversations with other reporters in that session, he answered "no."

Rove and his lawyer subsequently discovered an e-mail Rove had sent top national security aide Steve Hadley referring to a brief phone interview he had with [Time magazine's Mathew] Cooper.

The e-mail jogged Rove's memory and during a subsequent grand jury appearance, he volunteered his recollections about his conversation with Cooper, and his lawyer provided the e-mail to prosecutors. Cooper also wrote a story about Plame.

I just bet it did. I've had my memory "jogged" in that way myself many times.

For more laff-a-lympics, let's check on that Supreme Court nomination:

Supreme Court Nominee Is Asked to Redo Response to Questions

WASHINGTON, Oct. 19 - The Supreme Court nomination of Harriet E. Miers suffered another setback on Wednesday when the Republican and Democratic leaders of the Senate Judiciary Committee asked her to resubmit parts of her judicial questionnaire, saying various members had found her responses "inadequate," "insufficient" and "insulting."

Senators Arlen Specter of Pennsylvania, the committee chairman, and Patrick J. Leahy of Vermont, the senior Democrat, sent Ms. Miers a letter faulting what they called incomplete responses about her legal career, her work in the White House, her potential conflicts on cases involving the administration and the suspension of her license by the District of Columbia Bar.

Their letter also asked her to provide detailed accounts of private reassurances about her views given by the White House or its allies to some conservative supporters who have been anxious about her positions on abortion and other social issues.

That slow uncomfortable screwing sensation the Religious Right is experiencing right now is what everyone else in this country has felt for the last five years. That far right freakshows like Ann Coulter are foaming (more than usual) over Miers' nomination fills me with a glowing warming glow.

I didn't exactly expect Bush to nominate someone whose views I might have even found remotely acceptable, but I have to admit, I'm surprised he went so far afield to alienate a significant chunk of his support base. And by giving her the Senatorial equivalent of a teacher's "'F' - SEE ME" on her questionnaire, the committee has all but guaranteed us some good entertainment, at least.

Finally, the stars a little bigger and brighter in Texas tonight:

Warrant out for arrest of Tom DeLay

AUSTIN - Travis County prosecutors played legal hardball Wednesday by having an arrest warrant issued for U.S. Rep. Tom DeLay, whose lawyers called it retaliation for their accusations of prosecutor misconduct.

The capias warrant by state District Judge Bob Perkins normally would have been a routine procedure in Texas after a person has been indicted on a felony. It requires that the defendant be arrested and have fingerprints and a mug shot taken.

A mug shot which will come to be known as The Face That Launched a Thousand Desktop Wallpapers.

Fine, I'll say it

Congratulation to the Houston Astros, who are on their way to their first World Series. I'm not happy it came at the expense of the Cardinals, but what can you say? In the end, Houston's pitching (well, except Lidge) was just too much. The off-season should see some hard questions in St. Louis about why Edmonds and Walker disappear during the playoffs, and why nobody besides Carpenter could string together a decent game.

Walker I sort of understand, he played in Colorado for so long he was unfamiliar with the playoffs.

Good luck with the White Sox...you're going to need it.

If bread is the staff of life

Then Shatner is life itself.

For those who insist on knowing what they're about to see before clicking, it's the climactic scene from Se7en, as re-enacted by William Shatner (as James T. Kirk), William Shatner (as T.J. Hooker), and...William Shatner (as the host of Rescue 911). There's a nice cameo, too.

Sure, the original had Oscar winners Morgan Freeman and Kevin Spacey...but this has Shatner. "Hey, Mr. Tambourine Man" indeed.

If that first link gives you problems, try here.

Party like it's 1995

With the Doom movie coming out this weekend (capsule review: bloody but unglued) and the recent release "Quake IV," I find myself whisked back to the mid-90s, when I'd sit sit before my roommate's 12-pound laptop playing the original "Doom" while Space: Above and Beyond aired on the TV in the background. All I need is a six-pack of Cap City Pale Rider and a crippling fear of my post-graduate future and it'd be like I was really there.

Much as I liked "Doom" (and "Quake," and "Quake 2"), I obviously wasn't as big a fan as the guys sitting behind me at the screening last night. At first, I felt bad that their effusive exclamations of geek ecstasy were sufficient to insure they would never mate with a human woman.

Then I got a look at them, and realized they didn't care. I've seen Deadheads with better grooming habits.

The following are just a few tidbits:

"I really thought about getting "BFG 9K" for my license plate."

[regarding the demons that, admittedly, all looked the same to me] "Is that a Baron or a Hell Knight?"

[regarding Karl Urban, who plays "Reaper"] "The Lord of the Rings movies were okay, but I liked the universe Doom created better."

There's no shame in being a geek. An ignorant geek, on the other hand...

Conversations with Famous People, Pt. 13

The Year: 2004
The Place: The Yarrow Hotel in Park City, UT - Sundance Film Festival 2004
The Person: Actor Xander Berkeley

For purposes of set-up, I'm supposed to meet a fellow FT-er at the hotel bar and have been wandering the halls when I bump into Mr. Berkeley in what looks like the end of a receiving line outside a screening room.

Xander Berkeley: Hello.
Pete: Howdy.
Xander Berkeley: What'd you think of the movie?
Pete: Oh, I thought [quickly looking at poster] Below the Belt was a great look at, uh, boxing.
Xander Berkeley: You didn't actually see it, did you?
Pete: Absolutely not. Good catch.

For the record, BtB (also known as Human Nature) is sort of like Brazil meets the Marx Brothers. I blame my lack of honesty on the fact that I'd already had a few beers.

"Oh, they didn't shoot a real horse... just a costume with two waiters in it."

Halloween is my favorite holiday: no family obligations, no pesky insistence on propriety or behaving well, and a clear-cut mandate to let your freak flag fly. Alcohol is also encouraged, at least in adult gatherings, and the best movies are always on TV.

There's also a distinct element of tastlessness. I usually went for maximum gore in my costumes (the zombie get-up with live cockroaches and frequently expectorated black sputum was my personal favorite), but I had friends who definitely pushed the envelope of public decency, dressing as abortionists, John Wayne Bobbitt, or Mary Jo Kopechne, for example.

She Who Shall Not Be Named isn't quite old enough to appreciate the joys of getting weird, but that didn't stop us from spiking her hair and putting her in ripped jeans and a "punk baby" t-shirt last year. This year we're discussing a few options: zombie (probably not advisable to put corpse paint on a toddler), Jason Voorhees (doubtful that she'd leave the hockey mask on), and a mummy (the front runner so far). I have to admit, however, that the following costumes (seen on Len's blog) appeals to the part of my brain that still likes horrifying the neighbors:

On second thought, we should probably just stick with the mummy. I don't imagine anyone on our street is related to Rameses the Great.

Albert the Great

"Anything that travels that far oughta have a damn stewardess on it."

Unable to take it anymore at 10:30, I turned the game on, just in time to see Pujols tee off on Lidge. Holy crap, that thing would've cleared the Monster, not that we should probably remind him of that after last year.

Predictably, Dad calls after Taguchi records the last out, he asked how deafening the silence was here in Houston. I had to stick my head out the front door and yell, "Go Cards!" to get a proper gauge on the situation.

I'm sure my daughter will forgive me for waking her.

So the series goes back to St. Louis. The Cards still face an uphill battle against Oswalt and Clemens (can Carpenter pitch on one day's rest?), but allow me this one game. And allow me to appropriate (and paraphrase) some mojo from Mudge and Tim from last year's ALCS - "hte Cards will win this series."

Go Cards!

"Point out your plot holes elsewhere!"

I hereby take back everything I said about Sony's (lack of) marketing strategy regarding The Fog. Even with no official reviews and overwhemingly negative word of mouth, moviegoers turned out to the tune of $12.2 million, sending the (one assumes) much superior Wallace & Gromit into second place. Serenity, in its third week of release, dropped to #12.

The two new releases that did get reviewed, Domino and Elizabethtown (reviewed by yours truly here), opened at #3 and #6, respectively.

Just so we're clear on what all this means, American audiences are obviously more likely tp punish a movie because the lead actor threw a phone at a hotel worker than they are a film that's an uninspired, derivative do-over of a horror classic. And one that gives us pretty boy Tom Welling as a seasoned sea fisherman, at that.

Good to know.

Baseblargh

The only consolation, if any, for Cardinals fans to wring from this truly depressing NLCS has been that at least this time we won't have to wait until the World Series to watch our team distintegrate. Now I can join everyone else in the country (who doesn't live on Chicago's South Side or Houston) in impatiently waiting for The Simpsons and House to come back on.

Premature, you say? Perhaps. There's always the possibility of another Red Sox style comeback, provided Pettite takes another line drive to the knee, and Oswalt comes down with bird flu, and Chris Burke is snatched from the playing field by Martians.

And the ghost of Rogers Hornsby comes and imbues the impotent bats of Jim Edmonds and Larry Walker with mystical energy.

The call against Edmonds last night was bullshit, and could have made a difference had Pujols come up right after, but it only underscores the fact that the Astros have just outplayed and out-lucked the Cards this series. If the St. Louis players were hitting like they have been all year, one bad call wouldn't make a difference. Carpenter might be able to snag one at Minute Maid tonight, but I'm not too hopeful about winning three straight.

In the meantime, I won't be watching Game 5. I'm sure I can put the three hours to more productive use than incubating my ulcer.

"Maybe it was the anthrax in the air, maybe it was it was the fact that the Arab women weren't biting, whatever it was, it was magic."

I'm almost too paralyzed by surprise to let you know that the Arab-ized version of The Simpsons isn't going over too well (via Fark):

When an Arab satellite TV network, MBC, decided to introduce "The Simpsons" to the Middle East, they knew the family would have to make some fundamental lifestyle changes.

"Omar Shamshoon," as he is called on the show, looks like the same Homer Simpson, but he has given up beer and bacon, which are both against Islam, and he no longer hangs out at "seedy bars with bums and lowlifes." In Arabia, Homer's beer is soda, and his hot dogs are barbequed Egyptian beef sausages. And the donut-shaped snacks he gobbles are the traditional Arab cookies called kahk.

An Arabized "Simpsons" -- called "Al Shamshoon" -- made its debut in the Arab world earlier this month, in time for Ramadan, a time of high TV viewership. It uses the original "Simpsons" animation, but the voices are dubbed into Arabic and the scripts have been adapted to make the show more accessible, and acceptable, to Arab audiences.

As long as they aren't planning catching "Lisa's Substitute" (Dustin Hoffman plays Lisa's Jewish teacher). Or "Behind the Laughter," where Moe talks about Bart spending money "like a teenage Arab." Or "Simpsons Bible Stories." Or any episode featuring Krusty's rabbi father. Or...come to think of it, I'd hate to be the guy responsible for making sure nothing "infidelish" gets through.

"Mmmm...soda" just doesn't have the same ring to it, either. Still, who am I to argue against the spread of American cultural imperialism?

But there's no guarantee of success. Many Arab blogs and Internet chat sessions have become consumed with how unfunny "Al Shamshoon" is. "They've ruined it! Oh yes they have, *sob*. ... Why? Why, why oh why?!!!!" wrote a blogger, "Noors," from Oman.

Some longtime "Simpson" fans who are Arabs are incensed over the Arabized version. "This is just beyond the pale," wrote As'ad AbuKhalil, a professor at California State University, Stanislaus, whose blog, angryarab blogspot, often touches on politics and the media. After viewing a promotional segment of "Al Shamshoon," Prof. AbuKhalil wrote, "It was just painful....The guy who played Homer Simpson was one of the most unfunny people I ever watched. Just drop the project, and air reruns of Tony Danza's show instead."

It's nice to know that hyperbolic expressions of dismay aren't solely the domain of Western bloggers.

Few shows have more obsessed fans than "The Simpsons," and their vast online community is worried about whether classic Simpsons dialogue can even be translated. One blogger wrote, "'Hi-diddly-ho, neighbors!' How the h -- are they going to translate that? Or this great quote: Mr Burns: Oooh, so Mother Nature needs a favor?! Well maybe she should have thought of that when she was besetting us with droughts and floods and poison monkeys! Nature started the fight for survival, and now she wants to quit because she's losing. Well I say, hard cheese."

And it looks like we just found the Arabic version of Comic Book Guy.

Forgive my cultural ignorance, but I have a hard time believing there's no absurdism in Arabic culture. As I said before, however, any establishment of common ground has to be a Good Thing, right? If West and East can both laugh at Mr. Burns singing "See My Vest," that's a start. Even if - assuming you eliminate any episode where "Omar" gets drunk - you're only left with about a season and a half's worth of episodes.

Then there's this guy:

A blogger, who uses the name "Nibaq," wrote, "I am sure the effort [of] the people who made this show to translate it to Arabic could have made a good original show about an Egyptian family living in Egypt, dealing with religion, life and work and trying to keep a family together. That way they can proudly say Made in Egypt, instead of Made in USA Assembled in Egypt."

Just for that, we're cancelling your shipment of classic Porky Pig cartoons.

"That's some nice marketing, boys."

I've got to hand it to Sony Pictures, they've achieved what I thought was impossible, and released The Fog with absolutely no advance press. I hunted around the usual local media sites last week to try and scope out a promo screening, to no avail, and considering that - as of right now - there are no reviews listed on Rotten Tomatoes or Metacritic, I have to believe they were equally successful in other markets.

It's surprising, because even when a film isn't shown to the press, there are usually screenings scheduled for radio stations or local papers. This goes double for horror, which in the past has been a largely critic-proof genre. The recent glut of lousy PG-13 "horror" movies (any guesses on what The Fog is rated?) has changed all that, however, with the end result being there wasn't even a screening I could sneak into as I've other writers have done in the past.

The great irony of all this is that it's unlikely The Fog remake would've scored lower than Domino (15% on the Tomatometer) - where a vast majority of critics seem to be coming over to my way of thinking about Tony Scott's nauseating directorial "style" - or even Elizabethtown (33%) - which, in my opinion, might be Cameron Crowe's worst. Movie. Ever.

And yes, I'm including The Wild Life.

"Making midnight music in the moonlight. Mighty nice"

Quoth the Mudge:

Pete, you're a music guy. You wanna take a crack?

First, let's get one thing straight: I make far too much money to ever smoke crack. Having said that, I will take a stab at this thingamabob that seems designed to railroad me into admitting I like anything by Genesis or INXS. Plus, I cheat at these, so there will often be more than one song listed.

Onward...

Favorite Beatles song: Had to start off with an easy one, eh? I really like the "medley" at the end of Abbey Road that includes "Polythene Pam" "She Came In Through the Bathroom Window" and "Golden Slumbers," but that's probably not fair. "A Day in the Life" is the stock answer, so I'll go with "Nowhere Man."

Favorite solo song by a former Beatle: Lennon - "Watching the Wheels;" McCartney - "Band On the Run;" Harrison - Don't know enough of his solo stuff; Starr - Oh please

Favorite Rolling Stones song: Mudge gets this one right, "Gimme Shelter" all the way

Favorite Bob Dylan song: "A Hard Rain's A-Gonna Fall" or "Shelter From the Storm." I sense a theme.

Favorite Pixies song: "Velouria"

Favorite Prince song: "I Would Die 4 U"

Favorite Michael Jackson song: A curious way of putting it. "Rock With You" is the song that fills me with the least revulsion, possibly because it was the last song of his I heard before realizing he was a freak on wheels.

Favorite Metallica song: "Disposable Heroes" or "Master of Puppets"

Favorite Public Enemy song: "Night of the Living Baseheads"

Favorite Depeche Mode song: "Halo"

Favorite Cure song: anything from Head on the Door, but especially "In Between Days" and "A Night Like This"

Favorite song that most of your friends haven't heard: I feel pretty confident in saying there isn't a song I could list here that someone who reads this blog wasn't already familiar with. If "most" is the criteria, I'll go with "Pinball Song" by Slobberbone.

Favorite Beastie Boys song: "Shadrach"

Favorite Police song: "Walking on the Moon" from their early days, "Every Little Thing She Does is Magic" from their later, pretentious, Jungian Sting days.

Favorite Sex Pistols song: "Pretty Vacant"

Favorite song from a movie: Jesus...completely off the top of my head, I'd have to say Traffic's Blind Faith's "Can't Find My Way Home" from the end of Fandango. I'll remember about a thousand others as soon as I post this, however.

Favorite Blondie song: "Dreaming"

Favorite Genesis song: "No Reply At All"

Favorite Led Zeppelin song: Unlike Mudge, I used to be a big Zep fan. I don't listen to them much these days, but if forced to choose, I'd narrow it down to "Good Times Bad Times," "Since I've Been Loving You," and "Bron-Yr-Aur."

I bet that cow skull over there would make a wicked bong...

Favorite INXS song: "Don't Change." No competition there, as it's the only INXS song I like.

Favorite Weird Al song: Uh, "UHF?" Never was a fan.

Favorite Pink Floyd song: I should probably try to re-establish some classic rock cred here by saying "Careful With That Axe, Eugene" or something off Piper at the Gates of Dawn, but I've been listening to The Final Cut a lot lately, so I'm sticking with "The Gunner's Dream."

Or "Pigs."

Or "Comfortably Numb." Gilmour's second solo in that gives me chills to this day.

Damn, this is hard.

Favorite cover song: "Cortez the Killer" (Neil Young) by Slobberbone or "Everybody Knows" (Leonard Cohen) by Concrete Blonde.

Favorite dance song: It isn't actually my favorite, but I think it's hilarious that - no matter what the Country/Western dancing venue- every last redneck in the place will get on the floor for "Baby Got Back." If you haven't seen a couple hundred people in Rocky Mountains and Wranglers jerking spasmodically to Sir Mix-A-Lot, you have led a trite, meaningless existence.

Favorite U2 song: "Like A Song" from War.

Favorite disco song: Drawing a blank...I liked Homer's cover of "Staying Alive" in the "Two Bad Neighbors" episode, if that counts.

Favorite The Who song: "Behind Blue Eyes"

Did you know that thewho.com redirects you to petetownshend.com? What the fuck?

Favorite Elton John song: I honestly can't decide between "Tiny Dancer" and "My Father's Gun"

Favorite Clash song: "White Man in Hammersmith Palais." I feel obliged to point out that The Wife is partial to "Straight to Hell," and we usually compromise with "Train In Vain."

Favorite David Bowie song: "Young Americans"

Favorite Nirvana song: "In Bloom," I guess, I'm honestly pretty sick of Nirvana.

Favorite Snoop Dogg song: "Gin and Juice," and performed by The Gourds.

Favorite Ice Cube song: Having absolutely no familiarity with his solo stuff, I'll say "Straight Outta Compton."

Favorite Johnny Cash song: "Cocaine Blues," with his cover of NIN's "Hurt" coming in a close second.

Favorite R.E.M. song: "Harbourcoat" or "I Believe"

Favorite Elvis song: Hell if I know..."Return to Sender?"

Favorite cheesy-ass country song: "Hot Dog" by Led Zeppelin.

I've decided not to tag anyone with this, because goddamn if it didn't take me forever. Run with it, if you're so inclined.

Threat level raised to Gungan yellow

The Wife alerts me to the news that a known terrorist, responsible for the deaths of thousands of government employees in not one but two treacherous attacks, is about to be allowed to enter our country.

Chewbacca to become an American

It speaks to the ineffectiveness of Administrations past and present that the sizable bounty placed on this dangerous insurgent (after his cowardly efforts to sabotage two Homeland Security installations) hasn't led to his capture. Worse, he's poised to cross our borders unmolested and continue spreading hairy chaos on new, unsuspecting targets.

An outrage, says I. You don't mess around with Imperial pride, and these colors (black and...black) don't run. Bring the Wookiees on, and we'll get both him and his traitorous Corellian partner. Dead or alive.

5-25-1977...we will never forget.

Speaking of cruelty to animals

Bee Dogs (dogs in bee costumes)

Via the fancy catfish

Today's rudderless youth

I had just picked up our babysitter, who is (I think) 17 years old, and was bringing her back to the house to experience the terror that is She Who Will Not Be Named. As we were driving through her neighborhood, we spotted a dog running loose down the sidewalk. A Yorkie, by the looks of it.

The Babysitter: Uh oh, look at that dog.
Me: Yeah, he's gonna be street pizza if his owner doesn't grab him.
TB: [favors me with an odd look]
Me: What, don't kids these days say "street pizza" anymore? What's the new "hep" lingo?
TB: I usually just say "roadkill."
Me: Pffft. My grandfather says "roadkill." How about "extreme puppy pancakes?"
TB: Nope.
Me: "Street pizzle for shizzle?"
TB: I don't watch MTV.
Me: And I'm letting you take care of my kid?

Here's hoping my communication skills improve before my own kid becomes a teenager. I'm not counting on it, however.

And for those of you aghast at the fact I didn't stop to recover the animal in question, its owner was, in fact, overtaking it as we had our little conversation.

I can't dig it

One of these days I need to make good on my threat to create a Remakes category here. The better to make sure I'm not repeating myself every time Hollywood eats its own young:

His new film Domino may open on Friday but when we got the chance to chat with director Tony Scott recently, we wanted to probe him about another movie he's got in the pipeline – his remake of classic '70s street gang flick The Warriors.

Many consider Walter Hill's 1979 film, in which a New York posse must try and get home to Coney Island alive after being framed from the murder of a gang leader, to be untouchable. But fans could be in for a surprise because Scott's impending epic is moving the action to the West coast.

"I see it as Kingdom Of Heaven meets The Warriors because with these gangs, instead of having twenty or thirty guys, I'm going to have three thousand, five thousand guys in the LA river beds and it's going to look like LA during the riots," Tony told us explaining "I love the original movie, that's why I'm in doing this but I'm not going to copy the original".

Then why bother to call it The Warriors at all? If you want to make another Los Angeles gang movie that ignores all the elements of Sol Yurick's novel then why not just call it Tony Scott's Anabasis: Straight Bangin' and be done with it? There's no need to associate this upcoming film - sure to be chock full of guest rappers, impressive CG pyrotechnics, and nauseating camera trickery - with the 1979 Walter Hill movie. None.

The original Warriors was deliberately otherworldly, existing in a New York City where gang members could dress like Louisville slugger-wielding harlequins or Deney Terrio and get away with it. One of the creepiest parts for me (aside from the aforementioned Baseball Furies and the horror from beyond the grave that is Deborah Van Valkenburgh) was the concept of a city wholly deserted except for the gangs. Who knows, that may actually have been how New York City was in the late '70s, but it made the original that much more effective.

More details from a different website:

"The opening of The Warriors now begins on the Long Beach Bridge, and it's going to look like the L.A. marathon," Scott said of the script, which relocates the story of the titular gang attempting to get home to its turf after being mistakenly accused of murdering a rival gang leader. "You'll still get the same story, but we're reconstructing the family, reconstructing the characters, and I'm doing it in L.A. The original was in New York and everything went upwards; L.A. goes [length-wise]."

I have no idea what the hell that means. Coney Island is at a higher elevation than the rest of NYC?

Scott revealed that he intends to do away with such warring factions as the Baseball Furies (a bat-wielding group of thugs dressed in makeup and MLB-worthy uniforms), the Punks (chain-wielders in hillbilly overalls) and the Hi Hats (bad-ass mimes wearing top hats). The decision, which will no doubt stir up controversy among die-hard fans currently snatching up newly released "Warriors" action figures at mall stores nationwide, is largely due to the director's recent meetings with actual L.A. gang members, whom he employed onscreen in "Domino" and intends to use again for "Warriors."

"I sat with all the gang members and they said, 'If you can get this movie on, we'll do a treaty between all the warriors, all the different gangs,' " Scott said proudly. "It's very different from what the original is like. I love the original, but this is a very different tone and a very different feel."
[...]
"Everything else that we're doing, what I'm bringing to it, it's a different movie," he added, saying that authentic tattoo-sporting gangbangers will replace fictional organizations like the Savage Huns and the pimpish Boppers. "It will be the Bloods, the Crips, the Vietnamese, the 18th Street [Gang], all the boys."

I think I liked this movie better when it was called Judgment Night, or Colors*, or The Substitute 2: School's Out.

C'mon Tony, you can always use my idea:

The Nixons - the whitest gang in southern California - suffer horrible beatings at the hands of rival L.A. outfits until their leader remembers he can simply borrow the keys to his parents' Lincoln Navigator and cruise back to Yorba Linda in style.

Starring Seann William Scott, Adam Brody, Hillary Duff, and Ja Rule. You know you want to.

* Not true, I actually hated Colors.

I didn't know "Cancer" was one of the Seven Duffs

Looks like all that beer drinking is coming back to bite us on the ass:

A doctor who describes himself as a former beer drinker has found that significant beer or other alcohol consumption — with the exception of red wine — increases the risk of colorectal cancer.
[...]
[Dr. Joseph] Anderson said he's no longer a beer fan even though he had no problems. What he found, though, were serious health issues in many of his beer- and spirits-imbibing patients.

Anderson said he found that his patients who drank eight or more glasses of beer or about the same number of stronger alcoholic beverages per week had a significantly elevated chance of having precancerous polyps or fully developed colorectal cancers.

"Beer and spirits are probably just as important as a family history of colorectal cancer when it comes to risk," Anderson said.

No chance that's "eight or more glasses" in one sitting, is there?

Well this is hardly the news I want to hear after finding out The Wife got me tickets to Game 3 of the NLCS this Saturday. Baseball without beer? That's like...Starsky without Hutch, or Itchy without Scratchy, or driving in Houston without seeing a pickup truck sporting those fake testicles hanging from its trailer hitch.

Goddammit, it's not natural.

Patients who drank eight or more glasses of beer or stronger beverages per week were more than twice as likely to have precancers or full-blown cancers than those who drank less or who chose wine instead.

Earlier studies have suggested that alcohol has a powerful effect on the colon and increases the likelihood of cancer development because of the increased amount of aldehyde, a noxious compound that forms as alcohol is processed.
[...]
Wine contains a significant amount of alcohol, up to 12 percent or more by volume in some vintages. Still, the "pernicious effect" was not evident in red-wine drinkers, he said.

He and his colleagues found that red-wine drinkers who consumed between one and eight glasses of red wine per week experienced a decreased risk of colorectal polyps and cancers.

Anderson attributed the difference to high levels of natural antioxidants.

So if I drink eight glasses of wine a week in addition to the beer it'll all even out, right?

Feh. I've given up enough bad habits.

Try to temper your enthusiasm

Courtesy of Norbizness, I see that Layer Cake's Daniel Craig is reportedly the new James Bond:

He has just proved his ladykilling credentials by seducing Sienna Miller from under the nose of his friend, Jude Law.

Now Daniel Craig is about to become the biggest seducer of all - Ian Fleming's James Bond.

The actor, who found fame as Geordie in the BBC series Our Friends in the North in 1996, got the job after an 18-month mission to replace Pierce Brosnan.

APCB discussed the search for the new Bond in depth until yours truly got sick of it. The article states that the Broccolis will confirm Craig's selection later this week, which means this could all be yet another red herring.

Craig has a nice feral look, and - from what I've seen - he's not a bad actor. He lacks the polish of a Roger Moore or a Pierce Brosnan, (and he's blond, as if that mattered). Casting a lesser-known actor like Craig might help the series get back on track.

Then again, the Bond franchise has bigger problems than the main character's hair color: predictable plots, relying too much on gadgetry, and cartoonish super-villainy, for starters.

But what does the (allegedly) new Bond think?

Craig has said he does not like the fact that the films are more about gadgets than feelings.

He added: 'It's a big machine and it makes a lot of money - so why would you change something that makes a lot of money?'

Forget everything I said.

Dear APCB

Let's check the Perfectly Cromulent Mailbag:

Dear APCB:

As a lifelong lovelorn geek, I am constantly in search of things that validate my chosen lifestyle without making me feel inferior or exposing me to dangerously normal people.

What genre films come out this fall and winter that I should excitedly be looking forward to? Or, in the alternate, that I should excitedly be looking forward to trashing for how they mistreat their source material, which is, of course, familiar to no more than one-tenth of one percent of the possible theater audience?

Yours,

Nerdboy Agonistes

Dear Nerdboy,

You are right to avoid the unwashed masses who cruelly seek to mock you for your repulsive tastes, but please refrain from expounding on the "lovelorn" nature of your comment.

Here are the movies that will most likely be of interest to you slavering fanboy dogs in the coming months.

The Fog (October 14) - As you know, this is a remake of John Carpenter's 1980 classic. Remakes are like any other unpleasant phenomenon ("Barney," herpes, trepannation): the more of them you're exposed to, the less effect they have. The Fog remake simply greases the wheels for the coming Omen and Last House on the Left "reimaginings." As for this one, I leave you with two facts to make of what you will.

1. "Fergie" of the Black Eyed Peas was originally slated to play Stevie Wayne.
2. The studio is not screening it for the press.

But by all means, get your hopes up.

Doom (October 21) - Early reports that this is a pretty slick Aliens clone are tempered by disturbing rumors about the Uwe Boll-ian use of first person shooter perspective during the film.

Hopefully they cut all those scenes where Sarge scrolls along walls and repeatedly clicks the space bar to find secret doors.

Saw II (October 28) - I suspect this one will lack the visceral impact of the original, but will likely contain just as many plot holes.

Chicken Little (November 4) - Disney was left with two choices when Pixar left: return to their roots with meticulously hand-drawn stories of sweeping grandiosity, or...imitate Pixar. The trailers for this are pretty funny, and the voice talent should be good, but I'm not cnvinced it's going to stand out in a year that's already seen some fine animated releases.

Zathura (November 11) - If, like me, you never saw Jumanji, you probably won't spend the whole movie comparing it to this. Zathura is based on a book by the same author and looks pretty identical, theme-wise (imperiled children in a fantastical and largely adult-free environment). Will serve as a momentary distraction for kids champing at the bit to see...

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (November 18) - I'm of the opinion that the HP movies have gotten progressively better, owing both to darker subject matter, the actors learning how to - well - act, and a change in directors. Sorceror's Stone (and, to a lesser extent, Chamber of Secrets) suffered too much from endless shots of Harry and the gang staring slack-jawed at their surroundings and the plain yogurt style of Chris Columbus. I liked what Alfonso Cuaron did with Prisoner, and am looking forward to some more sinister plotlines and the characters' further maturation.

But not too much maturation, I suppose. As voices deepen and facial hair appears, Warner Brothers must be wondering why they couldn't find the British equivalent of Ralph Macchio to play Harry. And poor Emma Watson. She's probably wishing she could temporarily gain 150 pounds in order to throw some of her more perverted devotees off the scent.

Wolf Creek (November 18) - Saw this at Sundance. Nasty, brutish, and Australian. Gets ridiculous at the end, but before that it goes a few places I wasn't expecting. Worth a look for horror buffs who want to avoid dealing with shrieking pre-adolescents at Goblet of Fire screenings for a few weeks.

Aeon Flux (December 2) - I remember trying to follow this on MTV's Liquid Television and getting increasingly frustrated that they never seemed to run the goddamned thing in order. Creator Peter Chung had interesting ideas about continuity and plot, but I don't believe he and MTV were a very good fit.

Everone who was excited to hear about Charlize Theron's casting was just as rapidly deflated by reports that Aeon's trademark dental floss with buckles costume had been modified so you could no longer see her bikini wax. Expect negative comparisons to The Matrix and Tomb Raider.

The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe (December 9) - Okay, I admit it, I never read the Chronicles of Narnia. The closest I ever came was seeing a play of TLTWATW in elementary school. I certainly don't recall any epic battles in the play, but I was probably too dazzled by Lewis' subtle Christian allegorizing to notice.

King Kong (December 16) - The 9000 lb gorilla (literally) of the holiday movie season hits theaters the week before Christmas. Does anybody really care that much about the casting? Or are we all just waiting to see how WETA is going to have Kong lay waste to NYC? Peter Jackson got paid $20 million to direct this, so he may be sweating a bit.

Other questions abound: will he restore the horrific giant spider sequence excised from the original? Does beauty really kill the beast (or is it actually several hundred .303 rounds from biplane-mounted Lewis guns)? More importantly, will any of the Feebles make an appearance?

Thus endeth this week's "Dear APCB" segment. Feel free to e-mail me any questions at general_buck_vh@yahoo.com and I may or may not provide as lengthy a response as I did here.

Astros suck

HWRNMNBSOL gets things started down below:

Okay, Cardinals fan, it's officially on. The Astros will once again meet the Cardinals to determine who will represent for the NL. I can think of no place better than your blog to lay the smack forth.

All season I've been hearing nothing but talk about how the Cardinals are going to repeat. Best ERA in baseball this. Best offense that. Blah blah blah.

Fuck that noise. The Astros have something the Cardinals don't have, and that's the ability to cheat death. Whether it's making the playoffs on the last regular season game, or defeating the Braves in a history-shattering 18 innings of play[1], the Astros have shown that they have what it takes to go to the wire and come back victorious.

To the Cardinals, I say: tee it up, chump-ass bitches. This is the year that the Astros go to the World Series and show St. Louis how it's done.

[1] which, if you think about it, was like playing a regular game and then a whole additional game of no-hitter baseball.

Yes indeed, the Astros were mighty impressive in limping off the field yesterday after finally putting the TV-watching audience out of their misery. Of course, lets not forget that Only In Enron Minute Maid home run (this one courtesy if Berkman) that gave you the chance. To paraphrase Tommy Lee Jones in Cobb, "My grandmother could hit a baseball 335 feet." The bad news for you is, you only get three games there.

What you call the "ability to cheat death" I call a rapidly draining reservoir of luck. Kudos on barely hanging on to win the wild card spot (while the Cards won the division by a comfortable 11 games) and outlasting the Braves (who are officially the Buffalo Bills of MLB), but do you really want to rely on intangibles against Pujols, Edmonds, and a reinvigorated Sanders and Walker? If that's your big strategy, Garner's in more trouble than I thought.

One of the hopeful side effects of all these 11th hour comebacks is the possibility that some Astros fans will succumb to heart attacks, giving me a little more elbow room at my local sports bar.

It all hits the fan Wednesday. Until then, bring it.

Pigskin ponderings

The Good
After five straight losing years, the Longhorns finally get a win vs. the Sooners (in the Red River Shootout, thank you very much). It would've been nice to beat them with a healthy Adrian Petersen playing, but I'll take it. The monkey is off Mack Brown's back, and now he can concentrate on how to keep Virginia Tech from taking over the #2 spot.

The Bad
I'm winning by 20-odd points in my fantasy league this week, but the other guy has three players left, including Drew Brees and Antonio Gates. Looks like I'll be dropping to 3-2.

The Ugly
In my pick 'em league, I managed a weak 5 out of 13. I could up that to a whopping 6 if San Diego wins. And hope Tomlinson scores all their points.

On a non-football note, congrats to the Houston Astros for making the NLCS. Hope you guys are all rested up by Wednesday.

Finally, I found it hard to believe that on a day when temperatures in Houston topped out at 82, both Reliant Stadium and Minute Maid Park had their roofs closed. What's the point of retractable roofs if not to have them open on gorgeous days like yesterday?

And before anyone calls me a hypocrite, I watched (well, fast-forwarded) the Texans game on DVR after spending the afternoon at the Greek Festival.