A Perfectly Cromulent Blog

Bloody Flux

Paramount is apparently so confident that Aeon Flux - starring Oscar winner Charlize Theron and opening this Friday - is going to do such boffo box office that they don't need to screen it for the media. This same strategy has served other studios well in the past, including the likes of Artisan Entertainment (Boat Trip - starring Cuba Gooding Jr., the African American Oscar winner nobody admires), Sony Pictures (Man of the House - there's that anti-Texas backlash...thanks Bush), and 20th Century Fox (The Order - maybe Heath Ledger should've gone gay in this one as well).

But I'm sure that won't be the case with Flux. How can you go wrong with a wire-fu sci-fi action movie based on an obscure Peter Chung cartoon that nobody understood when it first aired on Sunday nights on MTV?

Ha ha...seriously, the promo screening for Flux is this Thursday night. At 10 PM. By doing this, Paramount can ensure that no major market newspapers will have reviews in before the Friday edition goes to bed, and they'll have at least one decent day of opening weekend box office before word of mouth kills it deader than Natalee Holloway.

Ordinarily, this is where I'd put my "not screened for the press review," a concept I came up with some time ago, but the forces of justice and decency might conspire to get a Flux review up on FT this Friday afternoon. Stay tuned.

UPDATE: I wonder if CNN's Todd Leopold reads APCB (thanks to Jessica for the heads-up).

Be a sport

A recent issue of Entertainment Weekly (I write it off as a business expense) listed what it considered the Top 30 Sports DVDs. Using "DVD" as a qualifer instead of Top 30 Sports "Movies" is pretty meaningless, since a good number of the titles listed have nothing included in the DVD to merit the distinction (#11 - Pride of the Yankees, has no special features, for example). They do, however, mention some sports flicks that have yet to receive the DVD treatment, only one of which (Gentleman Jim) really deserves it.

Unless you were a 14 year-old girl in 1984, in which case I'll allow some righteous indignation over the exclusion of Oxford Blues.

You know the drill: first, I mock their list, then I submit mine for your comments. Play ball.

Here's EW's List, with a few choice asides:

1. Raging Bull
2. Caddyshack - One of two golf movies on the list. Surprisingly, the other one isn't The Legend of Bagger Vance.
3. Hoosiers
4. Rocky - Remember when Sylvester Stallone was, like, taken seriously? Me either, but I'm old. Even so, I don't have many arguments with the list to this point.
5. Bull Durham - A fine, fine film, but I don't know that it deserves to be the highest ranking baseball movie on here.
6. Million Dollar Baby - Uh, no. The bullshit ending, at least bumps this out of the Top 20.
7. Breaking Away - What, no love for American Flyers? Or are we that afraid of a too Costner-heavy list?
8. The Bad News Bears
9. Friday Night Lights - Right. Look at the next two movies on this list and see if this really belongs here.
10. Slap Shot
11. The Pride of the Yankees
12. Kingpin - God help me, I do love it so. "Can you get sick drinkin' piss? Even if it's your own?" Bill Murray should be in every movie.
13. The Set-Up - Scorsese's inspiration for Raging Bull. I'd like to lie and say I've seen this, but...well.
14. North Dallas Forty - This hasn't aged well, probably because today's NFL fans would be shocked if all their favorite players did was pop pills and drink. Its depiction of the league's win at all costs mentality, however, is still dead on.
15. Eight Men Out - Great baseball movie; nostalgic without being heavy-handed, sentimental without being maudlin. On of John Sayles' higher points.
16. Brian's Song - I didn't see this until I was in college, and - having already seen James Caan die over and over again in multiple Godfather viewings, it didn't quite have the same effect.
17. Field of Dreams - I try to balance my opinion of this between my love of James Earl Jones' and Burt Lancaster's characters and my abject hatred of the '60s lovefest taking place. Or maybe it's because my memories of playing catch with my dad are relatively angst-free. And he's still alive.
18. White Men Can't Jump - What, this is the best basketball movie they could come up with after Hoosiers? Why not Teen Wolf?
19. Fat City
20. Heaven Can Wait - Is this even a football movie? Really? The ending is all right, but I can't believe it comes in this high while another *cough* Longest Yard *cough* is nowhere to be seen as of yet.
21. The Rookie - Cheese, yes, but effective cheese.
22. Cinderella Man - Man, there are a lot of boxing movies on this.
23. The Freshman - Harold Lloyd invented most of the sports movie cliches we still see today.
24. Rocky III - As I said in my review of Cinderella Man, the similarities between it and Rocky's 3rd effort are frightening. Clubber Lang would've slaughtered Max Baer, however.
25. The Bingo Long Traveling All-Stars & Motor Kings - Never saw it, in spite of numerous late night airings on Channel 13.
26. Love & Basketball
27. Better Off Dead - Wow, that's a reach. Much as I love this movie, it's about as sports-related as Say Anything (which at least featured Cusack actually doing his own sports work)
28. Tin Cup
29. The Longest Yard - #29? The ranking is bad enough, the fact that the terminally unfunny Tin Cup beat it is all the evidence you need to prove that EW's writers are utter fatheads.
30. Bend It Like Beckham - Parminder Nagra is cute and all, but Victory combined soccer with Nazis. Take that, Keira Knightley.

EW also lists documentaries separately (which I won't do):

Dogtown and Z-Boys
Ken Burns' Baseball
The Endless Summer
Murderball
Pumping Iron
Olympia
Hoop Dreams
Ring of Fire: The Emile Griffith Story
Unforgivable Blackness: The Rise and Fall of Jack Johnson
When We Were Kings

Two of these (at least) are better than half the so-called DVDs on EW's list.

Now for mine, which - in the interest of reader boredom - only goes to 20. Dissect as you will:

1. Hooisers

2. Do You Believe in Miracles? The Story of the 1980 U.S. Hockey Team - Oh shut up. I've probably seen this a dozen times, and I still get choked up at the end.

3. Raging Bull - I switched this with Hoosiers mostly just to be a pain. This is a great movie.

4. Slap Shot - I like hockey.

5. Hoop Dreams - Watched part of it again this weekend, still one of the best movies, sports or no, I've seen.

6. The Longest Yard

7. Caddyshack

8. The Bad News Bears

9. Rocky

10. Eight Men Out

11. Kingpin

12. When We Were Kings

13. Bull Durham

14. Riding Giants

15. Murderball - I have four functioning limbs, and I think these guys would kill me if I ever tried to play against them. And not just because I'm a lousy rugby player.

16. North Dallas Forty

17. Field of Dreams - Oh, fine. That scene when Moonlight steps off the field gets me every time. But Shoeless Joe was still a lefty, dammit.

18. The Pride of the Yankees

19. Dogtown and Z-Boys

20. Enter: Zombie King - Hey, had to have one none of you have heard of. And it's hard, nay, impossible to go wrong with Plato-spouting Mexican wrestlers and zombies.

Grievously, I could find no place on the list for Over the Top, Hot Dog...The Movie, or Surf Nazis Must Die.

Posted by pete | Comments (16) | TrackBack

"Your Internet ad was brought to my attention, but I can't figure out what, if anything, Compuglobalhypermeganet does..."

CNN has (or had, I was looking at it this morning) an article on some of the more spectacular dot-com busts of the last few years. I'd heard of most of the biggies (Webvan, Kozmo), though I imagine a more thorough accounting can be found over at F*ckedCompany.

And it isn't like we all don't already know why Pets.com went under:

"Think of the fact that there's not one state in the 50 that has the death penalty for speeding... although I'm not so sure about Ohio."

Objection overruled, Mr. Rosenthal.

The Wife and I were watching the news this weekend while easing back into speaking terms after the annual Bull Run at Casa Vonder Haar over the UT-A&M game. There was a teaser or some such concerning the fact that this Wednesday will see the 1000th person executed in the United States since the death penalty was reinstated in 1976:

After a 10-year moratorium, [Gary] Gilmore in 1977 became the first person to be executed following a 1976 U.S. Supreme Court decision that validated state laws to reform the capital punishment system. Since then, 997 prisoners have been executed, and next week, the 998th, 999th and 1,000th are scheduled to die.

Robin Lovitt, 41, will likely be the one to earn that macabre distinction next Wednesday, Nov. 30. He was convicted of fatally stabbing a man with scissors during a 1998 pool hall robbery in Virginia.

Ahead of Lovitt on death row are Eric Nance, scheduled to be executed Monday in Arkansas, and John Hicks, scheduled to be executed Tuesday in Ohio. Both executions appear likely to proceed.

Lovitt will be a Trival Pursuit answer, at least. As for those other guys...well, can you name the 2nd and 3rd people executed after Gilmore?

Some pro-death penalty advocates have eased off the whole "deterrent to crime" angle somewhat and are taking what I think is a pretty amusing stance:

"Since 1999 we've had 100,000 innocent people murdered in the U.S., but nobody is planning on commemorating all those people killed," said Michael Paranzino, president of Throw Away the Key, a group that supports the death penalty.
[...]
Some supporters say ending the death penalty would be harmful to poor minorities, who are disproportionately murder victims.

"Increasingly violent crime is primarily for the working class folks, poor people and people of color," Paranzino said.

That's a pretty bold statement, especially since (as the article also tells us) a rather disproportionate number of non-whites are the ones who end up executed. Opponents of the death penalty point this out, and also draw attention to the increasing evidence that many innocent people are ending up on death row:

Since 1973, 122 prisoners have been freed from death row. The vast majority of those cases came during the last 15 years, since the use of DNA evidence became widespread. While there is no official proof an innocent person has been executed, opponents of the death penalty say the number of prisoners whose convictions have been reversed should fuel skepticism.

"I don't think any rational person seriously examining the evidence can have any confidence that an innocent hasn't already been executed," said [Innocent Project founder Barry] Scheck.

Using post-conviction DNA evidence, the Innocence Project has helped in more than half of the 163 cases vacated — 14 of which were from death row. "We've demonstrated that there are too many innocent people on death row," Scheck said.

I'm sure, had former Scheck client O.J. Simpson been sentences to death, he'd adhere to his position with nary a trace of irony, but his point is well taken.

One also has to wonder how many counts as "too many;" three? Ten? Fifty?

Then again, Harris County DA Chuck "WWJD" Rosenthal disagrees. And why wouldn't he? Our county has sent more prisoners to The Chamber than any other in the U.S.:

But that argument does not impress Charles Rosenthal, district attorney for Harris County, Texas, which has sent more prisoners to the death chamber — 85 — than any other U.S. county and all but two states, Texas and Virginia, according to Texas Department of Criminal Justice statistics.

"I don't know about every death penalty case in Texas, but I feel quite sure that no one that this office has had anything to do with was factually innocent," Rosenthal said.

Scheck believes Rosenthal's claim is based "more on faith than fact." He noted that the police DNA lab in Houston has been shut down since 2002 because an investigation found problems with poor training and contaminated evidence.

Evidence, shmevidence...we've got sleeping defense attorneys down here in Houston. And it only took the intervention of the freaking Supreme Court to reverse that one.

As for the potential Mr. 1000:

Virginia Gov. Mark Warner is examining Lovitt's case, and could decide whether or not to grant clemency over the weekend. It would be the only likely way Lovitt could avoid execution. In October, the U.S. Supreme Court refused to reconsider the case.

DNA tests on the scissors used in the stabbing were inconclusive, and the scissors were later thrown away because of a lack of storage space. One of his lawyers, former independent counsel Kenneth Starr, said though he supports the death penalty in principle, it should not apply to Lovitt for reasons "including above all right now the destruction of the DNA evidence.

That might be the first thing Ken Starr and I actually agree on.

I'm also a supporter of the death penalty. Or rather, I would be if there were some way to guarantee its fair and error-free application, but...there isn't. There are plenty of cases in which someone has demonstrated their contempt for human life and the laws of society enough to justify the needle, but they get lost amidst the incompetence and outright malice, to say nothing of trying to get the death penalty for someone as obviously sick as Andrea Yates.

As for the ever popular "deterrent" argument, I noted with no small amount of black humor that the teaser for this story ran in the same newscast that had just finished reporting on six murders the previous night in Harris County (on our way to a total of 14 for the holiday weekend).

Hero or the Goat

That was some choke job by the Houston Texans yesterday, who were leading the Rams 24-3 at halftime, only to end up losing 33-27 in overtime. It wasn't on the scale of the then-Oilers' 32-point collapse against the Bills in the 1993 AFC Wild Card game, but it was pretty bad. On the bright side, Houston remains #1 in the Reggie Bush sweepstakes.

And on a rare day when I actually watched some of the games, I took some measure of unhealthy glee from watching Jay Feely miss not one, not two, but three (ah ah ah) field goals - one at the end of regulation and two in overtime - to allow the Seahawks to beat the Giants. It wasn't because I picked Seattle (the guy who's going to win the pick 'em league this week will have 15 out of 16 correct if Indy wins tonight, I'll "only" have 14), but because any loss by a team with overrated lunkhead Jeremy Shockey and petulant hillbilly Eli Manning is a Good Thing.

Finally, I realize my prediction of a Texas blowout of A&M was a little...off, but a win's a win. I don't anticipate as big a problem in the Big 12 Championship in what will essentially be a home game for the Longhorns against Colorado. That just leaves the Rose Bowl, which will be pretty much a home game for USC.

I may be breaking the whiskey out early during that one.

Was he lying?

I can hear the Aggie faithful convulsing in rage over the latest words from Texas QB Vince Young:

Vince Young calls A&M’s fans “drunks.” Fortunately for Vince, that’s what A&M’s players and coaches have performed like this season. Especially at home.

As a 10-year resident of College Station, who has spent more evenings at Duddley's Draw, the Dixie Chicken, the Tap, and - yes - the Hall of Fame and Denim & Diamonds than I care to admit...you are a bunch of drunks. Then again, so are the Longhorns. If anything, Young is guilty of hypocrisy, not dishonesty.

Texas by 30. Hook 'em Horns.

HALFTIME UPDATE: Okay, so I may have to revise that prediction.

Oh, and in reply to this:

USC-Penn State for the BCS title. Besides, the Rose Bowl ought to be Big Ten-Pac Ten anyway.

Penn State's loss to a powerhouse 7-5 Michigan team kinda puts the kibosh on that plan. Too bad JoePa can't play Central Michigan and Illinois every game.

"The most unusual place you've ever 'made whoopee?'"

Last week sucked. I don't say that often, friends, but Nov. 14-18 ranked right up there with past classics such as Did I Pass My Grad School Comprehensive Exams? and Waiting for the Health Department's Test Results.

For those who may have been disappointed after checking here for cogent discussion about recent current events and coming up empty, I apologize. To make it up to you, here's a list of the Greatest Songs Ever Written About Anal Sex, complete with occasional lyric samples that will prove my point. You're welcome.

"The Anal Staircase" - Coil
And the rapids of my heart
Will tear your ship of love apart
And we'll end up wrecked
We'll end up at the start
Of the anal staircase

"Hurts So Good" - John Cougar
Sometimes love don´t feel like it should
You make it hurt so good

"Prison Sex" - Tool
Actually, I don't need to contribute lyrics to this one, as there's not a hell of a lot of ambiguity involved. I will tell you that, at a job I had waiting tables at a "private dining club," one of the social directors asked me to look at some of her son's CDs and let her know if they were suitable listening for a 14 year-old. Not being a big fan of Tipper Gore, I told her Tool's Undertow album was just peachy.

"Jam Up and Jelly Tight" - Tommy Roe
You look a little naughty
But you're so polite
Jam up and jelly tight
You won't say you will but
There's a chance that you might

"Wrong Way" - Sublime
I gave her all that I had to give
But she still wouldn't take it, oh no
Her two brown eyes are leaking like a sieve

"Exit 109" - Dale Watson
109, 109
Easy to please, easy to find
Park it where the sun don't shine

"Mickey" - Toni Basil
So come on and give it to me anyway you can
Anyway you want to do it
I'll take it like a man

I Sit On Acid - Lords of Acid
The opening line is the really the only reference to our subject, but the repeated refrain of "I wanna sit on your face" has to count for something, right?

"Nothing to Lose" - KISS
Before I had a baby
I didn't care anyway
I thought about the back door
I didn't know what to say

But once I got a baby
I, I tried every way
She didn't wanna do it
But she did anyway

"I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That)" - Meatloaf
Honestly, this one was suggested to me, and I have a hard time seeing how it meets the criteria. Is Meatloaf saying he'll do anything up to (but not including) anal when it comes to love? How is that a sacrifice on the part of his significant other?

"Back Door Santa" - Clarence Carter
Okay, the concept of a "back door man" is pretty old in blues music, and denotes a man who gets with the woman of a working man, necessitating his arrival and departure through the back door. I just include it here because the idea of Santa having "backdoor" relations with anyone was too disquieting for me not to share with everyone.

Happy Thanksgiving.

R.I.P. Chris Whitley

Seadogs alerted me earlier today to the sad news that Texas singer-songwriter Chris Whitley passed away last Sunday. He was 45 years old:

Chris Whitley, a chameleon Houston singer-songwriter who oscillated between roots rock 'n' roll, blues and alt-rock, has died. He was 45.

Whitley passed away Sunday evening, according to a message posted on his Web site by his daughter, Trixie Whitley.

Specifics were not available today. "No one saw this coming," his publicist of several years, Ben Sterling, told The Associated Press.

The singer was surrounded by his family and girlfriend before passing away, according to his Web site.

I confess to having lost track of Whitley since moving away from Texas in the mid '90s and then moving back. Many of my friends had copies of 1991's Living With the Law and Terra Incognita, among others, and we grew to love Whitley's singular style. I wish I'd seen him live one more time these past few years when he'd made appearances at the Continental Club, but there you are. Things always come up, and chances slip away without our ever knowing it.

Adios, Chris.

"Where is the rent? I must have the rent."

I have neither seen the stage version of Rent, nor heard the soundtrack album, but after seeing the movie tonight, I believe The Sister-in-Law put it best when she said, "I think that movie gave me AIDS."

Seriously, a lot of people in that movie have AIDS.

Monday Offspring Blogging

We have a cat in the house. It's not our cat, but that of The Sister-In-Law, who is staying with us for the week. So far, the only indicators of "Bagwell's" presence are the litter box and food and water dishes, as he seems content to spend most of his time under the bed in the guest room. Normal cat behavior, yes?

Then again, he may have seen She Who Shall Not Be Named and just decided that spending the whole week incognito was the best bet. Toddlers are not known for being cat-friendly, though ours has never been especially abusive, which is encouraging both from a future pet perspective and from the vantage of someone worrying about raising a serial killer.

Seeing how she behaved last night, however, almost made her old man join the cat in hiding.

SWSNBN is experimenting with new forms of mobility, including - sometimes - reverting to the crawl. The new crawl is nothing like the old one, unfortunately. The old crawl was an expression of joy: bouncy if erratic, and fueled by a sense of wonder. The new one seems more geared towards maximum freak-out. The closest I can come to describing it is Samara's "spider walk" from The Ring. She places her cheek on the floor (we have wood floors), slightly raises her posterior, and extends her limbs for maximum arachnid effect. The first time I saw her do it, I had to be restrained from making a cross out of a yardstick and my official Power of the Force lightsaber and driving the abomination from my house.

Lucky for me, she abandoned this in favor of another favorite: trying to climb into the lower oven. Risky, to be sure, but much less psychologically damaging to her father.

Gamma Gamma Hey

The second cold snap of the the season came through Houston last week. Highs dropped into the 60s and lows into the 30s for a couple of days. It's been nice all, but for practical purposes, all this means is that The Wife has an excuse to buy a dozen sweaters she's going to end up wearing once.

Oh, and any Yankees who want to roll their eyes at the South Texas definition of "cold" are invited to revisit this entry the next time I'm in the middle of a five-month stretch of above 90 degree temps while the Today show talks about a five day "heat wave" in NYC.

More than giving us an excuse to wear long pants on the weekend and filling out yards with pine needles, the recent weather change also means we won't have to worry about this:

Tropical Storm Gamma deluged the coast of Central America today, killing at least six people — three in flooding in Honduras and three in the crash of a small plane belonging to a Belize lodge owned by the filmmaker Francis Ford Coppola.

Another negative Godfather III review...

Forecasters said Gamma, the 24th named storm of an already record-breaking Atlantic hurricane season, was likely to stay out to sea as it moved past Belize and Mexico's Yucatan Peninsula. The storm had top sustained winds near 45 mph and was expected to stay well below hurricane strength of 74 mph, the National Hurricane Center said in Miami.

Gamma was likely to speed up and turn northeast on Sunday, sending it across the northeastern Caribbean and toward western Cuba, forecasters said. On that path, Gamma would cross Cuba but skirt the Florida Keys and the Florida mainland on Monday.

Cold fronts mean cold Gulf waters and low pressure areas steering these systems away from us. And as a weary resident of the Gulf Coast, let me just say enough is enough. I want a long, uneventful winter that will afford me time to buy a generator, stock up on ammo, and go more than a week without having to worry about another frigging tropical storm.

eBay That's Your Cue

God damn, I wish I had a thousand odd dollars for this, an electric guitar played at about 1000 Slobberbone gigs, put up for sale by Brent Best himself:

1979 Guild S-300D electric guitar. Used, scratched, worn, beat-up and abused and still kicks ass. I've had this guitar since 1995 and used it for the recording of all four Slobberbone albums, especially the first two. The sound of the crunch guitar on the Barrelchested album is this guitar through a small Hiwatt amp. Has also been used on every Slobberbone tour since 1995 (and that's a lot of shows). Still sounds friggin' great. The finish, as you can imagine, has taken a pounding and is worn and checked in most areas. The headstock was snapped off once and repaired well but without any effort to conceal the crack cosmetically (the guitar actually played and intonated better after the repair). All hardware and electronics are original to the guitar. The neck pickup is not working but I will either include with the auction an exact replacement for it or I can install it myself, it's up to you.

Obviously, this guitar is not any sort of collection piece unless you were into the band. If not, then it's simply a good rock guitar for someone who wants to play one and wants one cheap. I hate to sell it as it means a lot to me but I'm broke as a spoke and gotta get on thru. I have other gear and band-related auctions going as well if you're interested.

Buyer pays shipping and handling. Cashier's check, money order or Paypal only. Paypal prefered. Thanks and take care. That is all.

Brent's selling some other stuff as well, including one of the rare original versions of Crow Pot Pie. He hasn't hit the road with his new band, The Drams yet, so throw him some financial love if you can.

Thanks to Don for the link

"No one asked your opinion, you filthy little Mudblood."

You know, these Friday links are probably getting a bit pointless. I imagine if you're inclined to read my feeble opinions about the week's new releases, you've probably already bopped on over to Film Threat (Best Burgers on the Internet) to check them out.

For those of you who still can't decide for yourselves if you want to brave the throngs of dull-eyed teens and screaming babies at your local monstro-plex, here's what I got:
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - ****
Walk the Line - *** (which may have been a bit generous...like I've never done that before)

"I got a weird thing for girls who say 'Aboot.'"

Had lunch with HWRNMNBSOL today. The location was the fabled Lai Lai Dumpling House in southwest Houston. Conversation, as it is wont to do between two pathetic dorks, varied widely as we dined on green onion pie and General Tso's chicken. Most of what was spoken, however, was far less interesting when you take into consideration the presence of several girls from a St. Agnes, a local Catholic school. One group came in shortly after we did, and neither of us thought much about it (that we said, anyway) until the second group arrived. Then I felt moved, as it were, to speak.

Pete: Okay, this is starting to get a little surreal.
HWRN: It's like an invasion.
Pete: Not that we should really be complaining.
HWRN: Bad thoughts. Bad thoughts.
Pete: What's bothering me is the one with the doll. That's two fetishes in one.
HWRN: Somewhere Jack Nicholson's pager just exploded.

The broccoli hurt as it came out my nose, but it was worth it.

Your favorite band sucks

Thanks to the wonders of satellite radio, I can convince myself I'm not that old. Case in point, I've actually heard of the majority of bands on Information Leafblower's list of the Top 40 Bands in American Today.

The list was compiled by a group of "music bloggers" (of whom Bol is the only one I actually read), so take it with whatever sized grain of salt you're accustomed.

Here's the list:

1 - Sufjan Stevens
2 - The National
3 - Kanye West
4 - LCD Soundsystem
5 - Sleater-Kinney

This is the first selection I actually agree with. "Entertain" is one of the best songs I heard this year.

6 - The Hold Steady

I don't do emo.

7 - Green Day

See above. The first song I heard off American Idiot was "Boulevard of Broken Dreams," which sent me into the fetal position, crying for mommy. "American Idiot" helped somehwat, and it's hard to argue against their inclusion, but man does that song suck.

8 - The Fiery Furnaces
9 - The Decemberists
10 - Spoon

It's not just the Tick's rallying cry any more.

11 - The Mountain Goats
12 - My Morning Jacket

I very much want to see MMJ live. They were one of the only bright spots in Cameron Crowe's latest movie.

13 - Fiona Apple
14 - Rogue Wave
15 - Bright Eyes

No offense to Rogue Wave, but the other two artists listed in this subgroup are among my least favorite. As such, I must consign them to eternal hellfire.

16 - Kelly Clarkson

As much as I want to hate the Original American Idol, she can wail. I hold out hope that she'll decide to pursue weightier material in the future.

17 - Death Cab For Cutie
18 - Animal Collective
19 - Ryan Adams

God damn Ryan Adams. God DAMN Ryan Adams. I had to begrudgingly acknowledge the talent behind Cold Roses, but I just downloaded Jacksonville City Nights, and wouldn't it have to be one of the best albums I've heard in 2005. If this guy showed a little restraint and only released an album a year, he'd be hailed as the greatest musician on the planet.

20 - Crooked Fingers

21 - Kings of Leon

I liked Youth and Young Manhood better, is all I'm saying.

22 - We Are Scientists
23 - Devendra Banhart
24) Okkervil River
25) MF Doom

Doom should've been higher than Kanye West. Then again, Ashlee Simpson should rank higher than Kanye West.

26 - Gwen Stefani

Please make another No Doubt album and shut up otherwise.

27 - Andrew Bird
28 - Black Keys
29 - Someone Still Loves You Boris Yeltsin
30 - Two Gallants
31 - American Analog Set
32) Sunno)))
33) The Juan McLean
34) Giant Drag
35) Iron & Wine
36) Wilco

Jesus, I take back the "I am not old" comment. Who the hell are you people? When did you infiltrate my comfortable music scene? Why is Wilco only #36?

37 - Antony & the Johnsons

Tolerable, but that vibrato shit is incredibly annoying.

38 - Out Hud
39 - John Vanderslice

John Vanderslice is very good. I wanted to say "insanely awesome," but I wasn't quite drunk enough, and I wasn't sure everyone had heard this.

40 - Explosions In The Sky

Yeah, whatever.

What about you? Any opinions on our greatest bands?

Tales of a 13th Grade Asshole

College was when I really learned to be a prick.

Being singled out as one of the weird ones in the only high school the same town as Texas A&M wasn't all that hard. All it took were some funny colored shoes and a bad haircut. College, on the other hand, was a whole different kettle of Converse. Everyone dressed weird at UT, except for the frat kids, whose standard uniform of khaki shorts, white t-shirt, and baseball cap worn backwards made it that much easier to make rash judgments about their character without having to meet them.

No, you had to go a little above and beyond to get the attention so desperately craved by freshmen, so I - along with a select group of fellow dipshits - took to public displays of obnoxiousness.

I bring all this up because tomorrow is the Great American Smokeout, where smokers are encouraged to give up the cigs for 24 hours. And one of our merrye band's first forays into public assholery was setting up a table on UT's West Mall and giving away Marlboros on that same day way back in 1987. Yeah, not too original, but we made it through about half a carton before our patron (a theater major and fellow freshman who abruptly decided he'd rather smoke the cigarettes he'd bought than give them away). The grateful thanks we got from suffering smokers wasn't quite enough to balance out the sputtered curses of the indignant and the hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach telling me I was acting like a real dick.

There were other shenanigans I may detail at a later date, but that would seemed the most immediately relevant.

Anyway, if you smoke you should quit, because it's bad. And stuff.

Wednesday Offspring Blogging

I have commented, maybe not here, that raising a child from the ages of zero to...oh, five years or so, isn't so much about parenting as it is about death avoidance. Toddlers are essentially suicide machines, and not the cool Bruce Springsteen kind. They seek, unerringly, to find the most lethal items within reach to test their parents' ability to thwart the machinations of the Grim Reaper.

She Who Shall Not Be Named is no different. I've lost track of the number of times she's defeated the cabinet locks under the kitchen sink and pulled the cleaning fluid bottles out to arrange in yet another neat OCD-related row. She's also fond of catapulting herself backwards off our laps to perform somersaults, and opening the lower oven door and climbing onto it.

I neglected to remember these facets of her personality this last Sunday night. In my defense, I'd spent a long day watching the new Harry Potter film, as well as Takashi Miike's Dead Or Alive, so my mental faculties weren't at their strongest when I went to fetch my daughter's final diaper of the night, leaving a full glass of wine on the nightstand as I did so.*

Upon returning, I discovered that my little darling, whom I'd left sitting on the bed watching The Simpsons, had hopped down onto the floor, picked up my wine glass, and upended it over herself. Whether she was attempting to detect the grapes' subtle bouquet, I couldn't say. What was inevitable, however, was The Wife's appearance to chastise yours truly for - in her words - "not respecting" our daughter's suicidal phase,

She was right, I had to admit. To paraphrase Crash Davis, you have to respect the stage. This was cold comfort as I mopped wine up off our bedroom floor, however. And I was left to marvel at my little girl's uncanny ability to seek out the one item in a room that could do her the worst bodily harm.

* A very nice red from Texas' own Becker Vineyards

Ollie Ollie insight free

Normally I leave the point-counterpoint with the likes of Ann Coulter and Jonah Goldberg to those with the steely resolve required to actually read their bilge all the way through. However, this one, written by none other than Oliver North, caught my eye:

Yesterday, November 10, was the 230th anniversary of the founding of the United States Marine Corps. Today, November 11, is Veterans’ Day. Lance Cpl. Aaron Mankin, USMC, observed both celebrations from Brooke Army Medical Center here in San Antonio. He’s been here for months—recovering from burns and wounds he received earlier this year near Al Qaim, Iraq. I was there, covering his unit for FOX News when the Assault Amphibious Vehicle he was in was blown apart by an improvised explosive device. This week, I was privileged to spend part of this year’s Marine Corps anniversary with him here in San Antonio. It would have been nice to have introduced him to some of the fools in Hollywood.

It’s pretty clear that those making movies in Tinsel Town don’t know any real men like Aaron Mankin. They apparently prefer cowardice over courage; witless whiners to real patriots; gutless wimps and hollow phonies to men who know the meaning of self-sacrifice and integrity. That’s the only conclusion one can draw after seeing Hollywood’s latest anti-military travesty: Jarhead.

Three and a half stars on Film Threat! Goddamned pinkos.

The newly released film is loosely based on an anti-Marine screed crafted by Anthony Swofford, who purports to be a “veteran” of Desert Shield and Desert Storm in 1990-91. Mr. Swofford maintains it is an accurate depiction of his military experience, from boot camp—where he claims to have been abused and belittled by a maniacal drill instructor—to his mutinous “tour of duty” in Saudi Arabia during the first Gulf War.

"Purports?" That would seem to be an easy thing to check out. And I thought we were all on board with the abusive DI as being essential to all post-Vietnam military comedy.

"A witty, profane, down-in-the-sand account of the war many only know from CNN, this former sniper's debut is a worthy addition to the battlefield memoir genre," says a book review by Publisher's Weekly. But this is no “Battle Cry”—by Leon Uris—a real battle memoir by a real Marine. The plug for CNN could easily have read, "ABC," "CBS" or "NBC" – for all the so-called mainstream media have covered war and warriors with equal disdain. And just in case the reader is dense enough to misunderstand what the work is really about, the reviewer helpfully notes that Mr. Swofford "questions whether the men are as prepared as their commanders, the American public and the men themselves think they are."

One might conclude from the book and movie reviews that this is simply another antiwar epic. But this isn’t Red Badge of Courage or All Quiet on the Western Front—two great books and films that accurately depict the horror and carnage of war. Nor does Jarhead contain any of the cutting, satirical humor of M.A.S.H. or Catch-22—both of which portray war’s futility.

Uh, Jarhead isn't supposed to be satire. And Swofford comes at war from a completely different angle than Remarque in All Quiet on the Western Front. Swofford has issues with the bureaucracy that keeps a soldier from being outfitted with the correct equipment and receiving conflicting orders, while Remarque concludes that all such endeavors are ultimately futile. Both agree, however, that even the soldiers who survive combat are essentially screwed.

It’s not that Hollywood has always failed those who fight our wars. During and after World War II, every studio produced films that encouraged a war weary nation—and showed American soldiers, sailors, airmen, Guardsmen and Marines as committed, courageous and compassionate. But that was the "good war"—and as the fictional Saving Private Ryan proved—both in critical acclaim and at the box office—decades after it ended, Hollywood remains comfortable making movies about the great crusade against fascism.

Every studio was also receiving government money to produce pro-war propaganda. We'd have to wait until after the "good old days" of the late '40s and '50s to see realistic accounts of the firebombings of Dresden and Tokyo, or the internment of Japanese-Americans. And we're still waiting for an accurate film representation of the Roosevelt Administration blocking European Jews from entering this country during the Holocaust.

But clearly, "winning" a war isn’t a prerequisite for a positive portrayal on the silver screen. Though the Korean War ended in stalemate—the first war we didn’t "win"—film-makers were still able to show the Americans who fought there in a positive way. The Bridges of Toko-Ri—based on Michener’s novel—has a tragic ending like the war in which it was set—but it is still a saga of bravery and self-sacrifice.

This really appears to be North's whole beef with Jarhead: nobody dies. Bravery - such as when Swofford and his squad advance into enemy territory - is pointless if it turns out they weren't facing any actual enemy. The fact that these guys didn't know that is lost on our humble narrator.

Even the much-maligned Vietnam War has a small handful of films accurately depicting the valor and perseverance of those who served there. We Were Soldiers Once, based on the account of Gen. Harold Moore and reporter Joe Galloway, of the events of November 14-16, 1965, when 450 U.S. soldiers were airlifted into Ia Drang Valley and immediately surrounded by elements of the North Vietnamese Army's 66th Regiment is an example.

Wow. One film apparently equals "a handful." Add The Green Berets and you've got a bushel. Then again, you have to ignore Full Metal Jacket, Apocalypse Now, Platoon, The Deer Hunter, Coming Home, Born on the Fourth of July, Hamburger Hill, and one of my favorites, 84 Charlie MoPic.

Other "losing campaigns" have been chronicled by cameras without denigrating those who served. The magnificent film, Blackhawk Down—depicting the true-life story of Rangers and Army Delta Force operators who were sent on a disastrous raid into the heart of Mogadishu, Somalia, to capture warlord Mohamed Farrah Aidid, is a case in point.

Black Hawk Down was this generation's Heartbreak Ridge: a gung ho representation of a conflict that, in the larger scheme of things, meant almost nothing. Black Hawk Down is to 9-11 what the latter was to the 250 Marines getting blown up in Beirut: a way to make us feel better about our growing impotence in an increasingly unstable and insurgentcworld.

Given these profitable precedents, why do the power brokers and financial geniuses in Hollywood choose to make a movie such as Jarhead and release it coincident with a Marine Corps birthday and Veterans’ Day? The film has absolutely not one character or scene containing any redeeming virtue or value. It is an excessively vulgar movie without a moral or a point. With our nation at war—this film is not just antiwar—or rotten to the Corps—though it is certainly that. Jarhead is anti-everything that is good and decent.

For starters, I imagine the "financial geniuses" didn't really care about it being Veterans' Day. They're in this to make money, not worry about trampling your delicate sensibilities. Then again, Jarhead was released a week beforehand, so maybe Ollie's a little off.

As for "no redeeming virtue or value," those are pretty big words coming from the guy who let David Keith play him on TV.

During a week when Americans honor the Corps and thank their veterans, Jarhead cheapens and distorts the heroism, warrior spirit, superior intellect and selflessness of America's fighting forces. Those who participated in making this nihilist flop deserve nothing but scorn in return.

That being the case, what's the appropriate reaction to a guy who sold arms to terrorists in order to use the profits to flout the U.S. Constitution and sell arms to the Contras? How about a guy who was found guilty of perjury and shredding documents to cover his ass? Is "scorn" enough? How about "pointing and laughing at the traitor who writes for the same web site as Ann Coulter?"

Catching up with APCB

This was one of the things I'd hoped to write about this weekend while the Whiterose.org connection was wonky. It's probably not as funny now. Assuming it ever was.

Over the next few months, posters reading "In God We Trust" will appear in every Glynn County school classroom.

Although the school board knows the posters have potential to stir up controversy, it feels they are legal under state law because no tax dollars are being used, reported WJXT-TV in Jacksonville, Fla.

The posters are the idea of Brunswick's First Baptist Church, which is paying for the printing and framing. Boy Scouts will distribute and hang the posters -- expected to be in every school by next year.

"'In God We Trust' is the national motto -- it's on every single dollar bill," said Debbie Brown of First Baptist Church. "It's just important that our students understand, one, where our foundations are based, and, two, it's connection to our country."

Seeing as how the so-called "national motto" didn’t actually appear on the dollar bill until 1957, maybe Ms. Brown would consider these options, all taken from Warner Brothers cartoons of that same year:

"Hassan chop!"
"Kill the wabbit!"
"Wild turkey surprise?"
"What? That rabbit’s name over mine?"
"I need, I say, I need a pointer. And that dog’s got just the head for it." (might be too wordy)
"Consequences, shmonsequences…as long as I’m rich."
"Magic helmet?"
"Acres and acres of Tweety Bird!"
"I’m rich! I’m a happy miser!"
"When in Slobovia, do as the other Slobs do."
"What’s up, duck?"

Selecting any of these would be just as logical as asserting that our country swears fealty to the monstrous nuclear chaos known as Azathoth (I assume that's the "god" to whom she's referring) while ignoring the doctrine separating church and state.

The hell?

My wonderful web hosts (who allow me to load my images directory with some of the dumbest pictures known to makind) would like all of you to know that Verizon DSL sucks. While they're preparing the caltrops and boiling oil, I'll see if I can remember what I've been meaning to post here for the last couple of days.

In the meantime, here's a Zathura review to keep you occupied.

Almost...there

For those of you following George R.R. Martin's ASoIaF series (Dad, Brandon, Seadogs, Mason, and Danil), I just checked the tracking on Amazon for my copy of A Feast for Crows:

Date                 Time       Location                   Event Details
Nov 10, 2005    ---          HOUSTON TX US        Departure Scan

I anticipate a somewhat less than productive weekend.

Bad TV Ponderings - The Boondocks

At Bad TV Ponderings, we reserve the right to look at shows that aren't necessarily bad.

Finally caught the debut episode of The Boondocks. It aired Sunday night on Cartoon Network's Adult Swim, but seeing as how I’m old and grizzled, I taped it and watched it at a more hospitable hour.

For those who haven’t heard of it, Boondocks started as a newspaper comic strip written and drawn by Aaron McGruder. It features two young black kids - Huey and Riley Freeman - who move from the inner city to live with their grandfather in the suburbs. The strip (and the cartoon) features often scathing commentary from the Freeman kids, and McGruder has caused some hyperventilation in the past by daring to take on such sacred cows as Jar Jar Binks, materialistic hip hop artists, and America’s post-9/11 patriotic fervor. It's not great art, but that's probably beside the point.

The show finds Granddad, Huey, and Riley attending a garden party thrown by a nearby banker. It was intermittently amusing, but nowhere near as shocking or controversial as people were touting/fearing it would be. Asserting that Jesus was black or Ronald Reagan was the devil just isn't very out there these days, and the funniest part for me was the song by the banker's servant, Uncle Ruckus, warning the white party guests not to trust those "new niggers."

I suppose I could see the uproar if this show was running in a prime-time TV slot, but the kind of people watching Adult Swim on Sundays at midnight are also the ones who were fans of TV Funhouse and Family Guy reruns, the latter featuring plenty of tasteless gags without the benefit of even shallow social commentary. The “N word” and – more importantly – race itself, are still pretty touchy. Even more so when it’s a black guy making the jokes, I guess.

It's just too bad The Boondocks wasn't that funny. I don't know exactly what I was expecting, but too often the cartoon seemed to rely on mild screeds with only minor laughs to offset them. Maybe McGruder's still getting his feet wet and will punch things up as time goes on, or maybe the voices threw me off (Huey and Riley are both played by Regina King, who is nowhere near how I heard them when reading the comic). Either way, I'll keep watching to see if it improves and to see if any of his more vocal critics get special treatment.

I'm crossing my fingers for a Frank Cho appearance.

So, is that "50" or "Mr. Cent?"

Whatever. My review will have little effect on the legions of Fiddy's fans who plan to see the newest rapper-turned-actor on the big screen.

I didn't hate it, but I can't really recommend it either. Unless, that is, you haven't seen 8 Mile. Or Hustle and Flow.

Or Light of Day. Or Satisfaction.

"That's democracy for you"

Ingrates:

Texas became the 19th state to approve a constitutional ban of gay marriage as voters decided nine proposed amendments today.
[...]
Like every other state except Massachusetts, Texas didn't permit same-sex marriages, but the constitutional amendment was touted as an extra guard against future court rulings.

With more than 700,000 votes counted, 77 percent favored the ban and 23 percent opposed it.

"I think Texans know that marriage is between a man and a woman, and children deserve both a mom and a dad. They don't need a PhD or a degree in anything else to teach them that," said Kelly Shackelford, a leader of Texans For Marriage, which favored the ban.

The implication being, I guess, that having a PhD or a degree in "anything else" might somehow magically confer an understanding that voting our state back into the 19th century isn't a Good Thing. Makes sense.

And since "the children" deserve both a mother and a father, I expect to see your proposed amendment banning divorce on the ballot in 2006, you slope-browed hypocrite.

Just out of curiosity, is it possible to issue iron-on transfers or armbands to all of you who are in favor of legitimizing bigotry and turning our country into a theocracy so, when I'm out with my daughter, we can cross the street to avoid you? I may have to share the state with you troglodytes, but I also have a parental duty to watch out for my kid until she's old enough to laugh in your faces herself.

Think my reviews suck?

Then why don't you write your own?

Regular readers of Film Threat know that we have an amazing writing staff on hand - they're doing it for the love of movies and for that we love them right back. So now it's time for you to get in on the love.

We're looking for a few new writers who are passionate about movies to help us review films sent into the Film Threat office. More eyes are on us now than ever, so that means we’re also getting more film submissions from indie filmmakers than we’ve ever seen. We’re looking for quality writers who not only have a passion for independent film, but who also get the whole idea behind Film Threat. This is Film THREAT after all. Intelligent writers with a sharp edge are what we’re looking for. We need passionate individuals that will be dedicated to writing quality reviews for indie films sent to our office because they love doing it; just like the people we have writing for us now.
[...]
So let’s see what you’ve got. Send a couple of film review samples to ericcamposfilmthreat@yahoo.com. (E-mail us first for our writer’s guidelines so you can put your review in our preferred format.) We won’t respond to everyone, sorry, we get way too many submissions, but if you make the initial cut, you’ll hear from us soon.

This is pretty much how I got my foot in the door at FT (this, and my connections with the Trilateral Commission). I won't have any say in who gets picked up, and you won't get paid anything, but it's an interesting community, and you could be one of the first on your block to see a new film by Takaski Miike or Will Keenan.

Or Brett Ratner. Hey, it ain't all beer and corn nuts.

"This was not a boating accident"

Lessee...I'm still slogging through GTA, I've got The Warriors and Call of Cthulhu waiting in the wings, and now The Thing That Walks Like A Man reminds me that Jaws Unleashed comes out January 1. Guess I'll have to take the Xbox to Sundance next year.

Anyway, click here and check out the official game trailer. The screenshots are also highly entertaining. I think this was my favorite:

I'm guessing a bigger boat isn't going to help.

Let there be Rock

Excerpt from a conversation during a family trip to Sam’s Club on Saturday to obtain ribs and beer for a long day of college football and barbecuing (Texas definition). The players: Pete – driving the car and spouting ill-formed opinions – and The Wife – tolerating my stream-of-consciousness rambling yet again. She Who Shall Not Be Named was seated in the back, doing her best to watch the passing scenery and ignore her old man:

Pete [turning up "Stairway to Heaven" on the radio]: Listen up #1 Daughter, this is the greatest rock and roll song of all time.
The Wife: You really believe that?
Pete: Are you telling me years of music magazine lists and radio station countdowns have been lying to me?
The Wife: Didn’t you used to believe jackalopes were real?
Pete: Jackalopes are real.

Debates over cryptozoology aside, I found myself pondering this question as we filled up the gas tank and I made a failed attempt to impress SWSNBN with my air guitar soloing.

On the way home, we tried coming up with some likely candidates (not to disqualify "Stairway," but it’s possible KLOL was mistaken just this once). Since "rock and roll" is such a huge category, I had sort of a hard time coming up with criteria (aside from "Knowing it when I hear it") to pare down likely "rock" candidates. I’d say the song in question should feature at least some electric guitar. And percussion. Beyond that, maybe some of you music types can help me out.

As far as our own choices went, we threw quite a few titles back and forth at each other before settling on "Me and Bobby McGee" (The Wife) and "Gimme Shelter" (or maybe "Tumblin’ Dice," or "Bastards of Young," or "Your Excuse," or...) for me. Anyone here who’s been married knows the futility of trying to reach consensus on such weighty issues, and we quickly decided to agree to disagree.

Janis Joplin? Blech.

So anyway, what do you think is the greatest rock and roll song of all time?

Monday Miscellany

If I didn't let you know earlier that my reviews for Jarhead and Chicken Little were up at Film Threat, it's because I'd already resigned myself to the fact that no review I wrote of CL would've been negative enough to have any influence whatsoever on the moviegoing public (not that I didn't try). Sure enough, it was #1 this weekend with $40 million.

-----

I tried watching some of that Category 7: The End of the World movie on CBS last night but couldn't help noticing it was long on pointless dialogue and goofy pseudoscience and short on actual destruction or Gina Gershon (there's a FEMA director we can all get behind, if you know what I'm saying).

Then again, it did have Shannen Doherty as a storm chaser (paired with Randy Quaid, no less) and who the hell was John Kapelos playing? I admit, I was switching back and forth between this and Red Dragon on USA, but it's always good to see Carl the Janitor getting air time.

Red Dragon...boy, think how good that movie could've been if someone other than Brett Ratner had directed it. Someone like, I don't know, Michael Mann? Yeah, that would've been something

-----

Finally, I know my neighborhood is in a low-crime area when I can drive down my street at 6:40 AM and see three separate Harris County Constables taking statements from three people whose cars were apparently struck by pumpkins last night. All of the cars in question were parked on the street and not in driveways. Say what you want about our neighborhood holligans, but they sure are lazy.

In all seriousness, I expect our City Council to call for bans on sales of Siamese Dream and Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness any minute now.

Les on ice

I don't agree with Lair about much, but his reaction to this story was right on the money:

With the NHL back in business, Rockets owner Leslie Alexander said this week that he is working toward expanding his business to pro hockey.

Alexander said that not only has he made his interest known to NHL officials, including commissioner Gary Bettman, last month he began talking with investors should he be able to buy a team to move to Houston.

"I am trying to get a team. I am trying," Alexander said. "I went to see the commissioner. I told him about my interest. I can't disclose teams, but I've been talking to people (in the NHL) and to investment bankers.

If those investors have more than a handful of brain cells to rub together, they'll attach some conditions to any loans requiring the new team to meet certain attendance goals or the banks call in the note. Houston is not much of a sports town. Witness the Texans, and the huge sections of empty seats CBS was desperately trying to disguise during last week's game against Cleveland. The Astros had a great season, but when they're not in playoff contention, and it's not a weekend game, Minute Maid Park is about 60% full. And the Rockets have gone on record multiple times about the lack/silence of their fans during the regular season.

Hockey? I just don't see it. The local minor league team couldn't sell out the Compaq Center when they were in the IHL Turner Cup finals several years ago, even with a big chunk of the upper deck seats blocked off (I know, I was there). If the local football team is having trouble putting butts in the seats after a string of bad luck, how the hell is an NHL team going to fare, especially considering the vast majority of people in this city have no idea what's going on during a game?

But don't take my word for it.

Toyota Center is home to the AHL Aeros. Going into Thursday's game, the Aeros' average home attendance, 4,969, ranked 14th in the 27-team league, behind the league average of 5,028.

Aeros attendance also trailed AHL teams from cities of similar size — Chicago (8,027), Philadelphia (7,468) and Toronto (6,106) — though each competes with NBA and NHL teams.

And are also cities where hockey is a sport people play with some regularity. With the exception of a few of the wealthier area high schools, kids in Houston don't grow up with ice hockey. It's not the sort of thing one can just spontaneously engage in here, like they can football, basketball, or soccer.

Bringing the NHL - which has the second highest average ticket price ($43.57) behind the NFL ($54.75) - to Houston doesn't make sense. There's no built-in fan base (and it's hard to get people to take a chance on a strange sport at that kind of money), no tradition of the sport in the area, no demand for it, and NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman has already said there won't ne an NHL expansion.

As for the teams allegedly considering a move:

The Nashville Predators, Buffalo Sabres, Carolina Hurricanes, Pittsburgh Penguins and Washington Capitals have been mentioned as teams that could be franchises that might consider a move. Hurricanes attendance is up 21 percent (to 14,627 per game) and Predators attendance has increased 14 percent (to 14,257).

Attendance in Buffalo and Washington is down 11 percent. The Capitals are last in the NHL, averaging 12,313, but the NHL is likely to resist a move out of the nation's capital.

I have a hard time believing Buffalo, Washington, or Pittsburgh will give up their teams. As for the others, why would we want a team fleeing the same problems it's going to encounter here? So Les Alexander can line his pockets with more of our money? The hell with that. I like hockey, but where I can hypothetically afford to hit 10-12 Aeros games a year currently, I'd be lucky to make 1 or 2 NHL games. And that would be for the shitty seats not snarfed up by corporate ticketholders. No thanks.

As for the aforementioned Lair, I agree with this comment of his the most:

Folks, if you're looking for the next major professional sport in town, it's called soccer. And if you get a Mexican League team in Reliant, you'll have bigger crowds than Texans games.

Amen, bubba. Although that wouldn't be that great an accomplishment this season.

He must break you

I guess I'm slipping, because I failed to let all of you know that yesterday was the 48th birthday of Swedish black belt and Chemistry Masters degree holder Dolph Lundgren. To honor this auspicious occasion, I present you with a run-down of Dolph's great movie roles.

The 1985-92 version.

A View To A Kill (1985) - Dolph has a brief cameo as one of General Gogol's henchman in this, but even that was enough to eclipse the fading light of a 113 year-old Roger Moore playing 007 in one of the worst Bond movies of all time. The guy also gets points for daring to go out with Grace Jones.

Rocky IV (1985) - If you've only seen one Dolph movie, chances are this is it. The fact that this came out in '85 is somewhat disturbing, because I remember seeing it in the theater on my birthday in 1986 (thanks Mom and Dad). This means Rocky IV's theatrical run in College Station was over a year (given that The Man From Snowy River ran over two years in one theater, I guess this shouldn't be surprising).

If there was ever any doubt about collusion between Hollywood and the government, this movie should put it to rest. Dolph's personification of the blonde, chiseled, technologically superior Soviet Union that kills poor Apollo Creed was a little out of whack with the reality of the USSR at the time, which might've been better represented at the time by a drunken Wallace Shawn.

Masters of the Universe (1987) - Do you realize Dolph is 6'6"? Given that, who the hell else could play He-Man? Of course, knowing that your demographic for this consisted almost entirely of Big Swede fetishists and pre-teen geeks like my cousin who collected every one of those goddamned action figures (and complained ceaslessly when Orko didn't make an onscreen appearance), the Cannon Group's decision to save a little on the budget and shoot the film in suburban California instead of attempting to re-create Eternia makes a little more sense.

And Courtney Cox is in it. You can almost smell her fear that this and Misfits of Science were going to be her sole contributions to the entertainment canon. If only.

Red Scorpion (1989) - It's strange that the biggest, blondest Aryan-looking dude of the 1980s never got to play a Nazi, which remains the only movie villain that everyone can agree on. In this, Dolph portrays a top Spetznaz agent who decides he sympathizes with the corrupt African rebels fighting against the corrupt African puppet regime his corrupt government supports.

And to demonstrate how poor Commies were as villains compared to National Socialists, try substituting "Totenkopf SS" for "Spetznaz" in the preciding paragraph and tell me if this movie would have ever gotten made.

The Punisher (1989) - Dolph dyed his hair black to play Frank Castle, proving he's Method to the bitter end. Somebody at New World Pictures must have decided in that late '80s that the Yakuza were going to be the Next Big Thing in action movies, because this wouldn't be the last time Dolph would square off against them.

Then again, the Yakuza only provide a temporary distraction from the venerable theme of vigilantism running through all of this era's action movies. The limp-wristed legal system keeps letting criminals out on technicalities, so it's up to guys like the Punisher to mete out justice.

And Dolph would totally win in a fight against Charles Bronson.

I Come In Peace (1990) - Gotta give it up for the Houston movies. Liked the idea of milking humans for their endorphins. Liked the never-gets-old trope of a cop out to avenge his murdered partner. Liked the jugular-seeking razor CDs (I tried this a few times at home, but only succeeded in irreparably damaging my sister's NKoTB discs...hey, everybody's a winner). Hasn't aged well, but who among us has?

Showdown in Little Tokyo (1991) - A fine B-martial arts flick, and without a doubt, one of the gayest movies of all time. A(nother) Yakuza fights Dolph and co-star Brandon Lee in bathhouse...with a hose. Lee's character tells Dolph he has the "biggest dick I've ever seen," then accuses Dolph of having a fixation when the latter threatens to cut off certain parts of a bad guy's anatomy. That's not subtext, that's bold text.

Its refreshing to see that kind of man love in a mainstram motion picture. Especially among law enforcement, and these are also the best kind of movie cops: the ones who'd rather kill the bad guys than slog through hours of boring paperwork. You just know, watching them kick and gouge their way through the Japanese underworld, the world would be a better place without Miranda rights or the 14th Amendment.

Universal Soldier (1992) - Talk about dream casting, the Muscles from Brussels and Dolph as animated corpses? Not since Arnie became the Terminator has a director had such good fortune. The two don't disappoint, well, except Van Damme, who continues his grand exhibitionist tradition of gracing us with the presence of his ass. It's a nice ass, but come on.

This is Dolph's best role, and it's a guy who collects the ears of those he kills, for crying out loud. Being a pack rat myself, I can understand the attraction of keeping mementos. And ears are good and gristly, so they're a little longer lasting than, say, eyes or kidneys.

This was really the last chance for Dolph and Jean-Claude to get into that rareified A-list territory occupied by Schwarzenegger and - for a time - Stallone and Norris. It didn't do well enough, sadly, and the roles would become fewer and cheesier from here on out. I'll always remember Dolph Lundgren for reminding me during my high school years that there were guys out there who would always be taller, better looking, and tougher than my pasty, nearsighted self. Thanks for that.

Sweet baboon of Rangoon

Hie you hence to Apple.com and check out the latest King Kong trailer. It is, as Merv Griffin might say, "freakin' sweet."

No on Prop 2

This message from TX State Representative Glen Maxey was sent to an e-mail list I'm on:

A Personal Plea from Glen Maxey.

Dear Democratic Friend and Ally:

You've known me for a long while. I've been a State Representative, a Democratic Party activist and a Party consultant.

I hope you know me as a vocal spokesperson for the ideals of the Democratic Party, for social justice, for the underdog and the little guy.

I also happen to be a gay man who cares deeply about my relationship.

Today, I'm sending you this note and this request on a very personal matter. I need you to be a spokesperson for me.

I need you to speak out for me and the thousands of your neighbors across Texas who will be permanently made second class citizens if Proposition 2 passes and is placed in the Bill of Rights.

It's a daily experience for many of us dealing with the "little things" that everyone else takes for granted in their heterosexual relationships. Sometimes, for us, it turns tragic. It affects everything about our lives.

I've stood in the emergency room, partner unconscious, me in tears, trying to convince an uncaring desk clerk that I had a right to be there.

I've gone into hundreds of thousands of dollars of debt paying for health care of a partner who I cannot put on my insurance policy.

And I even have to go through the hassle and cost of doing a legal document just so that a partner can bury my body when I die.

You might take for granted the 1,130 rights and responsibilities heterosexual folks get when they pay for that marriage license. I have lived through the horror of not having those same rights.

So I have two simple requests:

Please vote. People's lives depend on it.

Help me send messages to Democrats across Texas on Monday telling them to vote.

Send Rick Perry, the Republicans in the Legislature, and the hate mongers and religious zealots a message by helping us have a huge turnout of Democrats on Tuesday.

Donate here: https://nononsenseinnovember.com/905/donated.php

An automated call costs a nickel. Donate $100 and tell 2500 Democrats to vote. Donate $10 and tell 250. Please help.

Call my office at 512-443-2004 if I can pick up a check or have a local campaign person do so.

You can mail a check to:
No Nonsense, 512 E Riverside Dr Ste 203
Austin TX 78704

Thank you,
Glen

For those of you who needed a personal perspective, assuming the simple fact that the proposed Amendment does nothing to "protect" traditional marriage and every metropolitan newspaper in the state (including those in hotbeds of liberalism like Waco and San Angelo) has come out against it wasn't enough.

UPDATE: Maybe a little legal perspective would help. To that end, please check out the Texas Law Chick's analysis of the amendment's wording.

"They used to call me 'Sexy Randal The Pharaoh Wizard.'"

My old friend "seadogs" reminds me yet again of all that spare time I don't have. Thanks a pantload, pal.

Call of Cthulhu: Dark Corners of the Earth features creatures and stories from H.P. Lovecraft. With a spine-chilling story and classic survival/horror gameplay, Call of Cthulhu - Dark Corners of the Earth will be bringing a few sleepless nights to Xbox gamers around the globe.

Pfft. I haven't picked up an Xbox controller in anger in over a month. I'm working on a couple writing projects that necessitate dragging my ass out of bed several hours before dawn, meaning I don't make it past 11 PM most nights.

I have to say, I miss gaming. Had to quit the weekly session (with Dr. Elmo, Erica, and HWRNMNBSOL, among others) when I started reviewing major releases for Film Threat. But while we usually stuck to D&D, some of my fondest game memories involve Call of Cthulhu, both the RPG - and I'm sure seadogs remembers some of the deeply disturbing campaigns from our younger days - and rickj's Shadows Across Arkham campaign. I definitely want to pick this new title up, but with GTA: San Andreas still waiting to be finished, and The Warriors next in the queue, it may be a little while.

When the hell is that fabulously wealthy (and unknown) relative going to die and leave me $40 million so I can spend all day drinking whiskey and playing video games? I've been waiting since high school, when I thought Wild Turkey was the pinnacle of alcohol evolution, and there still wasn't a console to rival ColecoVision.

"The lesson is: never try."

The gym where I work out has put up "goal" sheets for the members. Simply put, people write down what they hope to achieve by spending their free time (that could probably be put to better use elsewere) lifting heavy objects and running like a hamster on a treadmill.

Most are what you'd expect: "lose 10 pounds by New Year's," "finish the marathon in under 4 hours," "avoid death for a few more years." However, some of us are compelled, by forces over which we have no control, to meet such challenges with the only weapon at our disposal: being a wise ass. To this end, I grabbed several of the sheets and - when I was reasonably sure no one was watching - put a few up on the wall:

Goal: "Sell no wine before its time"

Goal: "Eat 50 eggs"

Goal: "Join the Star League and defend the frontier againt Xur and the Ko-Dan Armada"

Goal: "Up jump the boogie to the rhythm of the boogie the beat"

There were more, but I got bored after about a dozen.

My secret public shame

I thoroughly enjoy the Sirius radio The Wife got me for Christmas last year. The few times I've listened to local radio in my car during the past year have been during severe weather situations and listening to the NLCS (Sirius rival XM has the Major League Baseball license).

You're allowed to save 30 channels on your presets, and mine are - I think - pretty varied. They skew heavily towards the "rock" category and away from newer music, but I'm not quite old enough to sneer at everything released in the last few years. Yet.

Of course, Sirius' conception of "rock" often differs from mine in significant ways. Take the Disorder channel, for example, which bills itself as "Eclectic/Free Form." First of all, I've discovered that "eclectic" is one of thse adjectives (like "cool" or "well-endowed") you can't apply to yourself. If someone looks at your CD collection/iTunes catalog and decrees it "eclectic," so be it, and Sirius should probably take this to heart, especially when they play Billy Joel's "Scenes From an Italian Restaurant" on a so-labeled channel. The last time Billy Joel was remotely "eclectic" was when he dressed like a barbarian on the Attila album cover.

Therefore, I demand a full and thorough accounting of who was in charge of programming that day. And I want a dimmer setting for the text display on my receiver. That way, when I'm singing along to the aforementioned song, everyone sitting at the traffic light with me won't point and laugh when they see what song is causing me to dork out in my car.