A Perfectly Cromulent Blog

Digital Video Discotheque - 2/28/06

My second of these in as many weeks, which either means it's become a regular feature, or I don't want to write about real world events in fear of rupturing my aneurysm.

I call it "Angus."

Releasing this week:

Network (Two-Disc Special Edition) - Watched this again a few weeks ago. It's nowhere near as funny as I remember it being, probably because I can see Max Schumacher's vision of an "Execution of the Week" program airing in my lifetime. Hell, we're already at the point where so-called "rants" have been marketed into commercially viable entertainment. From top to bottom, this is an incredible movie (if maybe a scene too long), and one that seems less like satire with every passing day.

This "special edition" has commentary by director Sidney Lumet and an old Dinah! interview with writer Paddy Chayefsky.

The Avengers - The Complete Emma Peel Megaset - "Mrs. Peel, we're needed." 51 episodes on 17 discs probably rules this out for everyone but hardcore Avengers fans. And, of course, anyone whose salivary glands activate at the thought of Diana Rigg kung fu fighting in a leather miniskirt.

Excuse me for a moment...

Lady and the Tramp (50th Anniversary Edition) - I confess, I've only seen this once, and that was on a date in high school. I don't think I'd rank it in the upper tier of Disney offerings, but if you're a completist, by all means fork over your dough for this "limited time offer" which includes a couple of deleted scenes and a DVD-ROM feature that allows you to adopt and care for a virtual dog.

Wow, that's pretty pathetic. It does contain both widescreen and pan-and-scan version, however.

Walk the Line - I referred to this movie as "lackluster" when it came out, and I stick by that. Phoenix and Witherspoon are perfectly fine, but the entire movie is a paint-by-numbers biopic, and rarely distinguishes itself.

Features include commentary by director James Mangold and some 10 deleted scenes.

Pride and Prejudice - I've said it before and I'll say it again; just because you turned in a performance better than anything else you've done to this point does not automatically warrant a Best Actress nomination.

Having said that, I'd probably rank this...oh...third out of the nine previous adaptations of Jane Austen's novel. I guess we should be happy she didn't write more than six of the damn things.

Scum/The Firm - Two Alan Clarke classics. The first, Scum, is a harrowing portrayal of life in the British juvenile detention system. Ray Winstone plays Carlin, the fresh meat, in a film that features some shocking scenes of racial hatred and sexual abuse.

The Firm stars a young Gary Oldman as Bex, the leader of a group of soccer hooligans out to cause as much mayhem as possible before their teams head to Europe. Makes last year's Hooligans look like a slap-fight tournament.

Also releasing:

Dog Day Afternoon - Made back in the days when Pacino still, you know, acted.
Newsradio - The Complete Third Season - One of the only sitcoms worth watching in the last 20 years, this is a must-buy solely for the "Arcade" episode, in which Dave confronts his old nemesis: the Stargate Defender video game.
Love Me Tender - Did you know rock and roll began during the Civil War? It's true! Would Elvis lie to you?
The Lords of Discipline - Bland rendition of the Pat Conroy novel. Watch for Bill Paxton, Judge Reinhold, and Michael Biehn as racist bastards.

And show some respect for Judge Reinhold!

Mild in the streets

Maybe I'm reading too much into early '80s punk lyrics, but this saucy couplet by the Circle Jerks has been bugging me for a while:

'64 Valiant, handful of valium
Couple of beers really do me right

How the hell does that equate to "Wild in the Streets?" Wouldn't it be more like "Dozing at the Stoplight?" "Prone on the Futon?"

Like I said...

I hate being right. Wait, no, I love being right, just not about shit like this:

Weekend Box Office Estimates (U.S.)

ThisWk LastWk Title Weekend Gross Cumulative
1 - Madea's Family Reunion $30,250,000 $30,250,000
2 1 Eight Below $15,722,000 $45,055,000
3 3 The Pink Panther $11,300,000 $61,046,000
4 2 Date Movie $9,225,000 $33,912,000
5 4 Curious George $7,005,000 $43,139,000

Excuse the crappy formatting.

The only movie released this week that was screened for the press, Running Scared, was #9 with just over $3 million on about half the number of screens as any of these.

R.I.P. Darren McGavin

I was avoiding bring this up, but Darren "Kolchak" McGavin passed away yesterday.

The husky, tough-talking performer went on to become one of the busiest actors in television and film, starring in five TV series, including "Mike Hammer," and endearing holiday audiences with his role as the grouchy dad in the 1983 comedy classic "A Christmas Story."

McGavin, 83, died Saturday of natural causes at a Los Angeles-area hospital with his family at his side, said his son Bogart McGavin.

"Bogart?"

McGavin also had leading roles in TV's "Riverboat" and cult favorite "Kolchak: The Night Stalker." Among his memorable portrayals was Gen. George Patton in the 1979 TV biography "Ike."

Despite his busy career in television, McGavin was awarded only one Emmy: in 1990 for an appearance as
Candice Bergen's opinionated father in an episode of "Murphy Brown."

He lacked the prominence in films he enjoyed in television, but he registered strongly in featured roles such as the young artist in Venice in "Summertime," David Lean's 1955 film with Katharine Hepburn and Rosanno Brazzi; Frank Sinatra's crafty drug supplier in "The Man with the Golden Arm" (1955);
Jerry Lewis's parole officer in "The Delicate Delinquent" (1957); and the gambler in 1984's "The Natural." He also starred alongside
Don Knotts, who died Friday night, in the 1976 family comedy "No Deposit, No Return."

Throughout his television career, McGavin gained a reputation as a curmudgeon willing to bad-mouth his series and combat studio bosses.

McGavin starred in the private eye series "Mike Hammer" in the 1950s. In 1968 he told a reporter: "Hammer was a dummy. I made 72 of those shows, and I thought it was a comedy. In fact, I played it camp. He was the kind of guy who would've waved the flag for George Wallace."

Heh.

I never got to see most of the TV stuff he did in the '50s, for obvious reasons, but I remember him from reruns as Kolchak (in a show I had to beg to watch) and, of course, as The Old Man.

Then there was that role in 1991's Captain America, but I'm not one to speak ill of the dead.

Bode Miller SuckWatch - Day 14

Here's your post-Torino synopsis of the Bodester's Olympic achievements:

Men's Downhill - 5th

Men's Combined - DQ

Men's Super G - DNF

Men's Giant Slalmo - 6th

Men's Slalom - DNF

No elaboration is necessary, aside from Miller himself:

"I just did it my way. I'm not a martyr, and I'm not a do-gooder. I just want to go out and rock. And man, I rocked here," Miller said in an exclusive interview with The Associated Press soon after he skidded off the slalom course in his fifth and final race, completing an 0-for-the-Olympics.

Miller came to the Italian Alps cresting on a wave of expectations and was considered a medal threat in every Alpine event. But he failed to finish three of them and his best showing was fifth in the downhill - part of a games with few highlights for the U.S. Ski Team.

"The expectations were other people's," Miller said. "I'm comfortable with what I've accomplished, including at the Olympics. I came in here to race as hard as I could. That was my obligation to myself.

Later, in the same interview, this is what the guy who once wanted to be remembered as an example of how to be an athletic nonconformist had to say:

Me, it's been an awesome two weeks," Miller said. "I got to party and socialize at an Olympic level."

This should provode ample consolation when Nike drops his contract like a flaming turd.

He compared his Olympic experience to fellow American Daron Rahlves, who was a favorite in the downhill and a contender in the super-G but didn't come close to the podium.

"Look at what happened to Rahlves. He was holed up in his RV, he's probably the fittest guy out here and he made a point of talking about how important the Olympics were to him," Miller said. "And then look - a little bad luck and he's got nothing to show for the whole thing.

I keep waiting for Rahlves' interview, where he bitches about the unfair expectations heaped upon him by the likes of Sports Illustrated and Time magazine, yet he's been strangely silent.

I was also fond of this statement:

“The same people who recognize I came out with no medals should recognize I could have won three."

Bra-vo, Mr. Miller. Luckily, we have the likes of Apolo Ohno, Chad Hedrick, Shani Davis, Joey Cheek, Shaun White, Seth Westcott, Hannah Teter, Julia Mancuso, and Ted Ligety to recognize.

If nothing else, maybe the major weeklies won't be so eager to anoint a new Olympic savior when 2010 rolls around.

In defense of Uwe Boll

There's a link to an article about director Uwe Boll on the Film Threat message boards that I really can't bring myself to read. Bagging on Herr Doktor is getting tedious to me, frankly. Granted, the guy has yet to make a decent movie (having seen BloodRayne last night, I can confirm this), and there's nothing out there to indicate this will change in the near or distant future. And this is someone with six freaking movies in production.

Boll has no ear for dialogue, no knack for shooting action scenes, and no sense of plot that doesn't come from Screenwriting 101 or some other movie (the final scene in BloodRayne might as well have been directed by John Milius, seeing as how perfectly it apes the end of Conan the Barbarian). He brings out the worst in his actors, even allegedly good ones like Ben Kingsley and Michelle Rodriguez, who all seem to mill around aimlessly while waiting for the check to clear. What we end up with are alleged horror films that are funnier than most Hollywood comedies. These are the facts, and they are indisputable, as Kevin Bacon might say.

But why isn't our intelligence more insulted by the likes of Michael Bay and Brett Ratner, two guys (names chosen at random, insert your own choices as you see fit) who benefit from monster budgets and A-list talent, and yet still manage to make unwatchable pieces of shit. If I was Boll, and I saw the man who subjected an unsuspecting world to Pearl Harbor getting $122 million to make The Island, I'd be pissed off as well.

Which is worse, from a creative standpoint: another video game adaptaion (albeit of a video game we haven't seen adapted before), or another sequel/remake like Charlie's Angels 2 or The Pink Panther? Who deserves more censure, the director like Boll who - by all accounts - honestly believes he's making the best films he can make, or directors like Ratner and Bay who know they're churning out brain-dead garbage, and simply don't care as long as they're up to their eyeballs in cocaine and Laotian boy whores?

Exaggeration aside, I think you see my point. All of Boll's major American releases (House of the Dead, Alone in the Dark, and BloodRayne) are currently residing in the IMDb's Bottom 100. And yet, Pearl Harbor, Rush Hour 2, and Rent (or Bicentennial Man, all Chris Columbus movies are interchangeable for purposes of this exercise*) aren't. Boll's movies suck, no doubt about it, but he's definitely not alone in that regard.

* Except Adventures in Babysitting

Condition critical

Chris alerts me to this post on Cinematical (a blog I should probably be reading a regular basis):

According to a story in the New York Post, less than two months in, 2006 already tops 2005 for major studio films that have not screened for the press. The Post's Lou Lumenick quoted Tom Ortenberg, president of Lions Gate (whose Friday release Madea's Family Reunion did not screen for the press), as saying, "We are not going to spend $50,000 for the privilege of negative reviews for a film that isn't going to be affected by them."

Oh snap, they're on to us.

I'd venture to say that when a studio announces ahead of time that its movie is not going to screen for the press - like Sony did with last week's #2 movie (heh heh) Date Movie - that it hurts more than it helps, as it creates a backlash and in many cases, a shortfall at the box office. Like it or not, people listen to critics for guidance as to how to spend their hard-earned dollars. People form relationships with particular critics, using them as metersticks for their own tastes and sensibilities, even when there is disagreement. Is there really any such thing as "critic proof", and aren't audiences the biggest critic of all?

I have to disagree with this assertion. Ortenberg, unfortunately, is pretty much right. As I've mentioned here (repeatedly), negative reviews appear to have little real effect on a movie's bottom line. This year alone has given us The Pink Panther and the aforementioned Date Movie, both of which - in spite of the former's novel use of post-screening interviews with real audience members - have done respectable box office.

Contrast that to a critical darling like King Kong, which was widely praised, yet ended up with disappointing (given the studio's expectations) returns. I forget which forum I was reading, but there was a thread that was essentially a litany of complaints about people saying, in essence, "I know Movie X is going to suck, but I'll probably go see it anyway." The number of people who use whatever critics as "metersticks" for their own moviegoing choices are vastly outnumbered by those who'll go to see just about anything, regardless of the reviews.

Of the three movies opening this week, only Running Scared (thankfully not a remake of the Billy Crystal/Gregory Hines film of the same name) was screened for the press. The others, Doogal and Madea's Family Reunion were not (I think...if Doogal was, I must've blocked it out). Any bets on what #1 will be this week? Hint: Diary of a Mad Black Woman opened with almost $22 million last year.

The ties that Bond

You guys need to get over it:

Dateline: February 20, 2006 - An international group of lifelong James Bond fans announced the publication of a new website, www.craignotbond.com, in order to launch a boycott of the upcoming Bond film, Casino Royale. Chief among their concerns is Bond producer Barbara Broccoli's questionable decision to fire popular Bond star Pierce Brosnan and replace him with an unknown with a penchant for oddball roles, Daniel Craig.

[...]

When you heard the casting announcement about Craig as Bond, you might have thought that it was all over, and there was nothing you could do about it. Well you were wrong! The movie business lives and dies on the patronage of its customers, the moviegoing public. And, as the old saying goes, the customer is always right! Bond fans are joining together by the thousands to stop Sony and EON from ruining the future of James Bond by hiring Daniel Craig. Join the Casino Royale Boycott now, and you'll be taking the first steps towards bringing back the James Bond we know and love!

GoldenEye was good, I'll grant you, and one of the best Bond films in the last 30 years, but Tomorrow Never Dies? Die Another Day? Easily among the lesser 007 efforts. Not as bad as the dregs of the Roger Moore era, but still.

Face it, Brosnan doesn't want to come back. He's on record as saying he loathed the insistence on one-liners and felt freed from the shackles of the Bond image after getting let go. His public statements of support for Craig only reinforce the fact that the Layer Cake and Munich star is the new 007. Whether this will be a long-running role of more of a George Lazenby thing remains to be seen.

As I've said, I liked Brosnan the first time out, but thought his other efforts were too reminscent of the cheesy 1970s era movies. Sean Connery is still the epitome of Bond, and I always felt Timothy Dalton never got the studio support he needed to make the role his.

As for Craig's "penchant for oddball roles," I assume the folks behind the website are aware that Brosnan's most famous pre-Bond movie parts were the oily suitor from Mrs. Doubtfire and the "VR doctor" from The Lawnmower Man. If they want a return to the jokey, gadget-heavy Bond of the Brosnan and Moore eras, have at it. Those of us with fond memories of the darker, more sinister Bond of Fleming's novels welcome the change, and are eager to see what Craig does with the role.

But by all means, continue with your time-honored tradition of internet petioning. Just remember, it could've been Orlando Bloom.

Hardy har har

Repost from the FT Blogs, because I'm just too emotionally drained after watching the latest episode of The Shield.
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It’s happened to you: you’ve been goofing around on the IMDb, looking up some obscure work of Swedish existentialism, French New Wave, or German scheisse. One thing leads to another and you suddenly - without warning - find yourself on the main page for the Hardy Boys TV show from the ’70s.

You want to leave. Immediately. But the gooey tendrils of nostalgia hold you in place. “I remember this show,” you think to yourself. Sure, you read the Franklin W. Dixon books, and when your 8-year old self heard they were making a TV show about them, you nearly applauded yourself to death in a spasm of prepubescent enthusiasm. And yet, how could you know they were going to cast a couple of feather-haired blondes as your youthful crewcut heroes?

“Never mind that now,” you say, “I’ll just check out the credits list, see if there’s any associated trivia (there isn’t), and be on my way.” Then you scroll down and see the user comments, and your already waning faith in humanity gutters out completely:

The casting of Parker Stevenson and Shaun Cassidy as Frank and Joe was near-perfect as they complemented each other handsomely (pun certainly intended!) Parker Stevenson as blue-eyed Frank was very much the leader, taking the initiative and making the decisions most of the time. He tended to be headstrong but was more reserved emotionally than his younger brother. Shaun Cassidy played Joe as tending to be in his elder brother’s shadow and adopting a rather cynical view of matters. Although Joe generally conceded to Frank, he was more than capable of taking initiative and working independently (one example being his selfless rescue of a little girl from a fire in ‘Arson and Old Lace’). He showed emotion more readily than Frank (such as in ‘Dracula’ when their father was seriously injured).

I belatedly discovered that these have come out on DVD, initially choosing to be horrified by the possibility that this guy memorized 25-year old episodes. I’m pretty sure I watched this show every week, but damned if I can remember anything beyond the Halloween team-up with Pamela Sue Martin’s Nancy Drew and that one time when the bad guy killed Joe’s girlfriend and tricked him into surfing in shark infested waters (I remember the song “If” by Bread figured prominently in the episode). You just don’t forget drama like that.

But wait, there’s more:

Edmund Gilbert’s role as Fenton Hardy tends to be overlooked although he was a real sweetie. He was dedicated to his work but always found time for his sons. Firm but benevolent, he admonished Frank and Joe when necessary but was equally ready to console them. The Hardy men made a very close family unit and I think this is what I liked most about the series. Most of the adventures featured Frank and Joe becoming involved in one of their father’s cases. The Hardys were intensely loyal and were always there for each other. This was perhaps best shown by their mutual devastation and subsequent joy in the episode ‘Sole Survivor’ from the second season. (It made me cry. Watch it to find out what happened!)

Holy creeping jesus…

Fenton was a cop, right? I’m just trying to decide who’d emerge victorious in a battle royale between him, Mike Brady, Steve My Three Sons Douglas, Tom Eight is Enough Bradford, Jason Seaver, Steven Keaton, Cliff Huxtable, and Howard Cunningham. I think my money’s on Seaver…Alan Thicke is a real bastard, and besides, anyone would be homicidal after putting up with Kirk Cameron for that long.

ADDENDUM: I noticed this guy commented from someplace called "Gidea Parl, England." I'll leave the Bill Hicks fans to fill in the rest.

Digital Video Discotheque - 2/21/06

Bay Area denizen and comments section gadfly Denny gave me the idea several months ago to discuss current DVD releases on APCB. His thought was that I should offer recommendations, which is increasingly difficult, considering the overall gloomy state of movies these days. What follows, therefore (and which may become a weekly feature, depending on how often I remember to do it), is a recap of the highlights and lowlights of the week's offerings (links go to my review, if applicable).

All the President's Men - Alan J. Pakula's 1976 dramatization of Woodward and Bernstein's Watergate investigation gets the double-disc treatment it deserves. No car chases, no gunfights, and no irrelevant romantic subplot - just dogged investigative journalism and great performances all around.

I hear of calls to remake this now and again, and I feel pretty comfortable in saying it will never happen. No CGI opportunities, for starters, and even if they tried to modernize it, what would they use? Monica Lewinsky? There's some hard-hitting political intrigue. Maybe the Swift Boat Veterans could talk to the guys who made the Oliver North biopic.

No, in spite of the plethora of opportunities to go after the criminal conduct of the Bush Administration, today's journalists are far too intimidated to take the risks WoodStein did back in 1973.

Vice Squad - You can keep your Freddys and your Jason Voorhies...es. Ramrod the pimp - as played by Wings Hauser - remains one of the most fearsome villains in cinema history. His performance goes beyond his B-movie environs into true evil, as he tortures his way to the prostitute who got him arrested. Watch for former MTV VJ Nina Blackwood as the hooker Ramrod beats to death with a coat hanger, and look for Fred "Rerun" Berry as a fellow pimp.

Class of 1984 - 1982 was a banner year for cinema nastiness. Anyone who remembered Timothy Van Patten fondly from his days as "Salami" from The White Shadow is in for a rude awakening here. In the best tradition of exploitation cinema, director Mark Lester (later of Commando and Showdown in Little Tokyo fame) convincingly portrays a near future where punk rockers run wild, raping teachers' wives and shanking poor Alex P. Keaton (a chubby pre-Family Ties Michael J. Fox). This was a lot nastier than it had a right to be.

North Country - Not a great film, and not a bad one either. North Country simply suffers from poor execution. What starts as a fairly gripping examination of the events leading up to the landmark court case that forced American companies to recognize sexual harassment ends up as a familar courtroom drama. France McDormand also gets negative marks for her "disease of the week" character.

First Descent - Not horrible, but would've been much better in the hands of Stacy Peralta. Poor resolution and a grating "alt rock" soundtrack don't help either. Still, there are some impressive scenes, and the shot of Travis Rice riding out an avalanche is one of the few "heart in throat" moments of the last year.

Rent - Abandon hope, all ye who watch this.

Requiem for a Social Life - Ch. 317

The music schedule is up for this year's South by Southwest festival. I haven't gone through it too closely, mostly because I'll only be there for the first weekend to...ahem..."see some films." The Wife will be on another continent during the following week, meaning my odds of hitting a late night show at the Back Room and then dragging my ass back to Houston the same night are, shall we say, unlikely.

So it really pains me to see this:

La Zona Rosa (612 W 4th St) (All Ages)
The Drams - 10:00 p.m.
Drive By Truckers - 1:00 a.m.

In case you didn't know, the Drams are Brent, Jess, and Tony from Slobberbone, plus Keith Killoren and Chad Stockslager of Budapest One. The DBTs, for their part, have taken the title of Pete's Favorite Band in the wake of Slobberone's break-up (the latter occupied the spot for a good four years).

Somehow, I don't think our usual babysitter would be up for staying over until 5 AM (I think they charge double time after 10:00 anyway).

Don't get short with me

A number of short films from the 2006 Sundance Film Festival have been put up on their website. I've seen about five of those listed there, but the one I wanted to single out for your attention is Redemptitude by Nathan and David Zellner.

I've had the pleasure of hanging out with the Austin-based Zellner brothers at SXSW and Sundance, and they're a couple of capital fellows. I especially enjoyed this synposis of the goings-on in the film:

Though we had never been to Australia and weren’t particularly familiar with its geography, we were up for the challenge. We took comfort in the fact that we’d seen the Mad Max films dozens of times, and were peripherally aware of the existence of Paul Hogan and Yahoo Serious. With this knowledge, along with a titular visit to the Outback Steakhouse, we made our epic come to life.

Check it out. I can also recommend Flotsam/Jetsam and Foxy and the Weight of the World. Now go to their web site and bug them to release a compilation DVD.

Song Sung Blew

This has probably been out there for a while, but I just ran across that site that shows you what song was #1 on the day you were born. And it's a lot easier than searching Billboard (via MetaFilter).

Mine? "Love Child" by Diana Ross and the Supremes. How terribly droll.

Anybody else? And before you bitch about getting saddled with "Seasons in the Sun" by Terry Jacks, realize there are any number of newborns out there who emerged into the word while D4L's "Laffy Taffy" was at the top of the charts.

At least "My Humps" peaked at #3.

Bode Miller SuckWatch - Day 8

Surprise, surprise, surprise:

[Kjetil Andre] Aamodt, who was unable to defend his combined title earlier this week after hurting his knee in the downhill, covered the sun-drenched course in 1 minute, 30.65 seconds, just 0.13 in front of heavy favorite Hermann Maier of Austria, the World Cup super-G leader. Switzerland's Ambrosi Hoffmann took the bronze, 0.33 back.
[...]
[Bode] Miller, who last year became the first American in 22 years to win the World Cup overall title, was already 0.46 back at the second interval when he failed to take a turn properly and veered off his line straight into a gate. He remained upright on his right ski with the other flailing wildly at odd angles behind him, striking the ground and threatening to knock him off balance, but he managed to get his second ski back on the ground and braked.
[...]
After failing to complete the super-G, he avoided reporters waiting for him in the finish area.

Get that man a drink.

For those keeping score at home, here's the tally so far:

Men's Downhill - 5th place

Men's Combined - DQ

Men's Super G - DNF

Apparently the Sports Illustrated cover curse has officially shifted from football to skiing. That, or spending every night getting loaded in Torino isn't the best competitive strategy.

The year's off to a great start

Latest reviews are up at Film Threat, including:

Freedomland (**) - had potential, but couldn't make up its mind on what kind of movie it wanted to be.

Date Movie (0) - Yeah, I reviewed it even though we left about a half hour in. If Fox doesn't see fit to show me the movie until the Thursday before it opens, I don't really feel compelled to cut them any slack. And every minute of these lousy movies I sit through reminds me of the grim specter of Death waiting at the end of the ride.

That broken graphic on the review is the "Zero Stars" graphic, which still hasn't been fixed, for some reason. If the beginning of 2006 has been any indication, I'm going to need it several more times before the year's out.

One other film (threat) related note. Maybe some of you saw this on The Daily Show the other night:

That's our logo, all right (minus the little "TM" at the end), in spite of some minor variations (our letters are actually connected). It was used in conjunction with a story about Valley of the Wolves - Iraq, a Turkish movie ("starring" Billy Zane and Gary Busey) about how American troops ship Iraqi civilians to a Jewish doctor (Busey) so he can steal their organs. I had a feeling Zane's career was going in this direction, and said as much in my Silver City review.

Busey's involvement is, in a word, unsurprising.

The logo stays on screen for a good while. I'm told several Daily Show staffer are fans of the site, but I stand by my assertion - made after seeing it last night (The Wife kindly taped it for me) - that a friendly note to Comedy Central which thanks them for the pub, but requests that they ask us next time, wouldn't be a bad idea.

That way, when someone we don't like as much (say, Bill O'Reilly or Uwe Boll) does it, we can more easily tell them to piss up a rope.

Random notes

Our local liquor store is closing. I visited infrequently (though probably more frequently that I should), to pick up a bottle of Jameson or some Grey Goose. Apparently a new developer bought the shopping center and plans on demolishing it. I can't wait for our new Firestone Auto Center (just a guess).

There is, of course, another liquor store not 200 yards down the road. I always avoided it because they (the two Pakistani brothers who run the joint) are generally ruder than the nice Chinese family that operates the one about to be closed down. Charged more, too.

I imagine there's a political statement to be made here, but I'm not sure what it is.

---

I've decided that there is a direct correlation between the suckiness of a band and the number of times it uses the word "baby" in its songs.

Exceptions: All blues musicians before 1959. And Led Zeppelin.

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Happy birthday to The Thing That Walks Like a Man. I hope the drinks last night made up for my dragging you along to see Date Movie. Even if we did leave 30 minutes in.

Goin' down Sarita with a shotgun

Totally unexpected, this was:

President Bush and local authorities said Thursday they are satisfied with Vice President Dick Cheney's account of how he accidentally shot a 78-year-old hunting companion over the weekend.

As sheriff's department officials announced there would be no charges filed against Cheney, Bush said that his vice president handled the situation well.

"I thought the vice president handled the issue just fine, and I thought his explanation yesterday was a powerful explanation," Bush told reporters after meeting with Colombian President Alvaro Uribe. "I'm satisfied with the explanation he gave."

I guess that explains it.

Bush, a former Texas governor, also said that he knew Whittington, an Austin attorney and major player in Texas politics, and that he and Cheney were concerned about Whittington's condition.

Look, the guy was there because he wanted to kiss Cheney's ass and ingratiate himself even further with the Administration. I'm sorry the guy got shot, but these things happen, especially if you hang out around a drunk with a gun.

Oh, there's no proof the Vice President was drunk, of course. That comes with the territory when you can just put off the sheriff's office for 12 hours while you hit the bunkhouse and oxidize. One only need look at the diffference in the statements Katharine Armstrong and Cheney himself made about beer consumption during the hunt to realize that something is a mite fishy.

If I didn't know better, what with the release of more Abu Ghraib photos, and with "Scooter" Libby's assertion that White House higher-ups authorized the release of classified information, I'd think that Cheney asked Whittington to take one for the team and occupy some front page space for a few days. Too bad the Veep's shaky aim actually caused his pal some mortal danger.

Nah, that's too much like cartoon supervillainy, even for him.

Bode Miller SuckWatch - Day 5

How's everybody's favorite SI and Rolling Stone cover boy doing at the 2006 Winter Games so far?

Men's Downhill - 5th place

Men's Combined - Disqualified

Mudge's prediction that Miller fails to medal in all five of his events is looking pretty prescient. Stay tuned.

To blog, perchance to meme

Tagged!

There's a meme running through the blogosphere of tagging people to get the "list of fours"...

Yes, yes. Onward.

Four jobs I've had
Pizza delivery guy (Double Dave's)
Intramural softball umpire
Newspaper wire editor
7-11 register jockey - graveyard shift

Four concerts that I've never seen but would like to (past or present):
Bill Hicks - Rant in E Minor tour
Queen - Wembley Stadium, 1985
Slobberbone - farewell show at Dan's Bar
The 1987 John Lee Hooker show I begged off of because I had a fucking test the next day. That would be the one where the Edge and Stevie Ray Vaughan were hanging out at the bar afterwards.

I'll probably think of a hundred more tomorrow

Four people I'd like to meet
Shit, I have no clue...uh...
H.L. Mencken
Hunter S. Thompson
Warren Zevon
Alan Moore

They don't all have to be alive, right?

Four movies that I have memorized:
Only four?
Casablanca
Jaws
Star Wars IV and V
Animal House
Flash Gordon
Raiders of the Lost Ark
Ghostbusters
Big Trouble in Little China
Aliens

Enough already.

Four sites I go to everyday:
Film Threat
MetaFilter
The Internet Movie Database
BBC News

Four TV shows that were cancelled because I liked them:
Freaks and Geeks
Firefly
Mr. Show with Bob and David
The Tick

Four places I want to visit before I die:
Australia
Macchu Picchu
New York City
Monica Bellucci

Four people I'm now tagging:
I hate doing this, but...
Fuzzball - because she needs the distraction
HWRNMNBSOL - because he doesn't blog enough
Norb - because he hates this crap
Don - because he'll be hilariously full of shit, as always

Seacrest Vonder Haar out.

Tuesday Offspring Blogging

This kid needs to learn how to write, because I'll be damned if I'm sitting down and writing out a bunch of Valentines to the likes of Quinton and Adrian again next year.

Fortunately, I didn't have to "choo-choo-choose" anyone.

"Butch and me have been talking it all over. Wherever the hell Bolivia is, that's where we're off to."

Well, duh:

Hollywood veteran Robert Redford fears his Sundance Film Festival is growing too big, after seeing celebrities like Paris Hilton attend the event. Redford hosted his 25th annual festival in Park City, Utah, last month, which was started in 1979 to showcase low-budget, independent films and talent. However, as the festival grows larger and larger every year, some celebrities have begun turning up just for parties, even though they have nothing to do with the films on show. Redford tells Newsweek magazine, "To the outside world, it's a big fat market where you have people like Paris Hilton going to parties. Now, she doesn't have anything to do with anything. I think the festival is close to being out of control." Despite Redford's disdain for the socialite, Hilton has attended the parties of Sundance every year since 2004.

I'm not sure I buy this. The festival's "close to being out of control" because a few amateur porn stars like Hilton and Bai Ling show up to get their pictures taken and take home some free swag? Sorry Robert, but a handful of attention whores aren't the reason I have to walk in the middle of the street when I'm heading up Main to grab a beer at O'Shucks.

Is Sundance getting too big? I don't know...probably. It does seems like it's straining the limits of Park City's resources. Then again, I've only been attending for a few years. I have no fond recollection of the festival's glory days when, I guess, the only people who showed up were those serious about their love of independent film. 1983, in other words.

But the reason for the overcrowded shuttles and the wall-to-wall humanity in every public space isn't because Ms. Hilton and her entourage are in town (at least, not entirely), it's because Sundance itself has become less discriminating in what it screens. I'm not referring to film quality, necessarily (though that would certainly be argued by a couple of the guys I went with this year), but the number of premieres that have no business being there. Friends with Money? Your opening night film was a Jennifer Aniston movie that already had a Sony Pictures distribution arrangement in place? All Aboard!? Rosie's gay cruise documentary already had a deal with HBO, so why is it taking up screening time?

Hilton's home video, shot on a crappy camera with poor lighting and no budget, was more "indie" than either of these anyway.

And then there were the movies that got deals during the festival, but before they even screened, like Little Miss Sunshine and The Darwin Awards. Both were films with major stars and major studio backing, yet they're being screened alongside film funded with credit cards and money borrowed from parents.

I'm not here to argue that these films have no place at the festival, because the alternative - sitting through 90 minutes of a tortured artist's navel gazing - is pretty bad, but Redford and the Sundance folks need to rethink both the kinds of movies they screen and also how many they allow in. I think there were something on the order of 200 films this year, with all their attendant personnel and marketing folks, to say nothing of all the goddamn press required ro cover everything.

Press being so desperately critical to the whole process after all.

Should've had a few drinks

Maybe now Sports Illustrated can start putting someone else on the cover:

In the downhill, Americans Bode Miller and Daron Rahlves finished fifth and 10th, respectively.

"I was super-aggressive," Miller told the Olympic News Service. "Made some little, small mistakes, but that's normal when you're pushing that hard. I was really fired up, and I wanted to execute the race. I did execute, but I just didn't have the speed needed."

So...you didn't execute.

Every year, NBC (or whoever is saddled with the quadrennial ratings black hole at the time) tries to latch on to a couple of Americans to build their coverage around. This year, they picked Bode "Bono" Miller and Michelle Kwan. Alpine World Cup champion Miller responded by finishing 5th in the downhill, while Kwan - who arguably shouldn't have made the trip in the first place - has dropped out due to a groin injury.

Miller has four more events in which to try for a medal, which means we can expect at least three more magazine covers in the next week. Huzzah.

Speaking of brains leaking out...

What a mess, reviews piling up and me with no place to put them:

Something New - **1/2

When a Stranger Calls - 1/2*

Curious George - ***

The Pink Panther - 0

Firewall - **1/2

As far as this week goes, I'd say to go see Curious George if you have little kids. Everyone else would be better off staying home and pouring battery acid in their eyes.

"Skull cracked. Brains leaking out. Can't wait to see new Chevy Chase movie..."

Had an epiphany, of sorts, at last night's screening of The Pink Panther.

The movie itself was as bad as you're probably expecting. I spent a good portion of it with my jaw hanging open, partially due to the train wreck unfolding onscreen, and partially to the shrieks of laughter I heard all around me in the theater, which was probably 90% full.

This is hardly unusual. My inability to fathom the tastes of the American moviegoing public has been well established. I realized long ago I would never understand the mindset of the person who sees fit to drop $10 or more per ticket, $5 a coke ($8.50 for a combo with popcorn), to say nothing of paying for a date or family, on movies for which a second viewing would cause me to seriously consider inserting bamboo shoots under my nails a pleasant alternative.

Then again, it isn't like I'm fooling myself about my impact as a movie critic. Film Threat may reach a couple thousand people a day, but they are - by and large - of like mind with yours truly. Few of them are going to be inclined to check out The Pink Panther (or When A Stranger Calls, or whatever) no matter what I might have to say about it. However, there are reviewers out there - Ebert, Travers, Corliss, A.O. Scott - with much more influence, whose views on certain films might jibe with mine, and people go see them anyway.

Is it because certain movies are "critic proof?" Perhaps. Some people will check out any horror film that comes along, others will go to see anything with Harrison Ford in it, no matter how poor the reviews (I gave Firewall 3 stars, in case you were wondering). But consider: the average opening gross for a #1 film, not counting "off" weekends like Super Bowl Sunday or New Year's, is $10-12 million, regardless of the reviews. This means there's a certain segment of the population that will go see a movie, any movie, no matter what. Figuring an average nationwide ticket cost of $10, and not taking into account kids prices or matinees, that means 1.2-1.5 million people a week are going to see movies heedless of critical censure. And that's a conservative number.

Movies aren't critic proof, people are.

It's understandable, when you think about it. We watch idiotic shit on TV like Two and a Half Men and Wife Swap when we know full well they're rotting our minds like flesh brain-eating bacteria. Is it then that hard to believe that significant numbers of our fellow Americans go to the movies - not because they think what they're about to see is worthy of their hard-earned cash - but out of habit? After a week at a dead-end job, or raising your ungrateful kids, who wouldn't want a little escapism?

It can be tradition for some people. The Wife and I have a favorite restaurant to eat at on Friday nights, for example, and it isn't far-fetached to assume some of hit the theater every week simply because it's what they've always done. Shit, I still watch The Simpsons every week, even though the act is usually about as enjoyable as sitting on a scale model replica of the Sydney Opera House. I've been watching since college, and probably will until Fox puts the show out of its misery.

Anyway, this was what I came up with last night to take my mind off of having a seizure right there in the theater.

And please don't go see The Pink Panther.

Built to last

I don't generally comment on the celebrity romances. I'd say it's because I don't really care, which is mostly true, but I used up a lot of my "A" material this week already:

Lindsay Lohan may have found a new man in the shape of rocker Ryan Adams. The actress/singer, who was recently romantically linked to her Chapter 27 co-star Jared Leto, has been quietly dating Adams for a month, according to American magazine In Touch. A pal tells the publication, "She's spending all her free time with him. She has been staying at his Greenwich Village (New York) apartment almost every night. She thinks musicians are sexy and she's a fan of his music."

I guess Jared gaining all that weight to play Mark David Chapman wasn't as "sexy" as merely being a petulant head case.

Question: if Adams has been known to throw people out of his shows for requesting "Summer of '69," what's he likely to do if she slips up and calls him "Bryan" during sex?

"Welcome to the party, pal."

A little late, but I wanted to comment on this article about the ongoing Kartoon Krisis:

Denmark's PM has described the row over cartoons of the Prophet Muhammad as a "global crisis", as he called for Muslims to refrain from violence.

Anders Fogh Rasmussen said extremists seeking "a clash of cultures" were exploiting the dispute over the images, which first appeared in Denmark.

Protests continued worldwide on Tuesday, spreading to West Africa.
[...]
"The Danish people are not enemies of Islam," [Rasmussen] insisted. "We're seeing ourselves characterised as an intolerant people or as enemies of Islam as a religion. That picture is false. Extremists and radicals who seek a clash of cultures and religions are spreading it," Mr Rasmussen said.

"[This] is a very unpleasant situation for Danes, we're not used to this," he added.

You'll ramp up pretty quick. Before you know it, they'll be flying 747s into the Storebæltsbroen and sending suicide bombers into the crowd at the Roskilde Festival.

In other news:

A music distributor recalled two Thai rap CDs from stores Tuesday after Muslims complained the tracks insult their faith.

An article on the Thai-language Muslim Web site http://www.muslimthai.com said a song recorded on CDs in 1998 and 2005 "clearly insults the Quran," the Muslim holy book.

It said the CDs contain verses from the Quran and "the Quran strictly
forbids the use of its verses in songs."

Sorry Denmark and Thailand, we'd like to lend a hand, but we're too busy trying to keep Donald Wildmon from trying to pre-empt an episode of Will and Grace.

Wait, why do we want to stop that?

Somewhere, Samuel Huntington is laughing his ass off.

"Any suggestions, Admiral?"
"Prayer, Mr. Saavik. The Bahamanians don't take prisoners."

No word on if Ceti Alpha V is one of the ports of call:

Royal Caribbean International on Monday ordered the world's largest and most expensive cruise ship, a $1.2 billion vessel that will hold up to 6,400 passengers.

The ship, dubbed Project Genesis, is set to be delivered to the world's second-largest cruise operator in fall 2009 by Oslo, Norway-based shipbuilder Aker Yards. It will have 220,000 gross registered tons and weigh in at about 100,000 tons based on displacement, slightly more than an aircraft carrier. A gross registered ton is a measurement for cargo capacity, equal to 100 cubic feet of space.
[...]
The $1.2 billion figure includes all expenses for the ship, "from forks and knives and sheets to artwork and everything else," said Harri Kulovaara, the Miami-based cruise line's executive vice president of maritime operations.

Hey, I'm not tired of this joke yet, are you?

McCoy: Dear Lord. You think we're intelligent enough to... suppose... what if this thing sailed where life already exists?
Spock: It would destroy such life in favor of its new displacement.
McCoy: "Its new displacement"? Do you have any idea what you're saying?
Spock: I was not attempting to evaluate its onbaord amenities, Doctor. As a matter of shipbuilding history, it has always been easier to go large than go efficient.
McCoy: Not anymore; now we can do both at the same time. According to Cunard, the Queen Mary 2 was created in 3 years. Now, watch out. Here comes Genesis. We'll do it for you in 3 months.
Spock: Really, Dr. McCoy. You must learn to govern your passions; they will be your undoing. The law of the sea suggests...
McCoy: The law of the sea? My God, the man's talking about the law of the sea; we're talking about duty-free armageddon.

Bored now.

Beats acting

I guess no one pointed out how well Demi Moore's career has been doing since her own nude cover shoot:

With award season still under way, Scarlett Johansson and Keira Knightley are exchanging ballgowns for birthday suits.

Under the artful eye of photographer Annie Leibovitz, the starlets posed nude for the cover of Vanity Fair magazine's yearly Hollywood issue, to be released Wednesday.

Fashion superstar Tom Ford also appears on the cover photo, though he stuck with a more traditional suit — one of black fabric.

Funny, Johansson won't pose for pictorials in any of the "lad mags," but I guess as long as it's Annie Leibovitz shooting your bare ass, it's okay.

Doesn't Maxim let you wear pants?

"I drive really slow / In the ultra-fast lane..."

This fellow seems to have hit upon the solution for those annoying New Yorker caption contests (via MetaFilter):

I suspect the same philosophy could apply to most of my blog entries, though I imagine the Comments section would get a mite boring.

Super Blow

Maybe it was because this was the first Super Bowl we watched at home with no attendant festivites in the last...ten years or so, but the game seemed pretty lackluster. Unless you like arguing the officiating, I guess. My take on a few calls:

1. I honestly thought Roethlisberger was in on the bootleg TD in the 1st half. The replay appeared to show the ball breaking the plane before he was knocked back.

2. I can't remember if Jackson's foot hit the pylon before or after he went out of bounds or not. My recollection is that he'd already stepped out.

3. That reverse halfback TD pass to Ward was pretty sweet.

4. I know the one TD for Seattle was called back after holding, which I'm seeing a lot of people question. For the record, I counted at least five plays where Seattle could've been called for holding and never got flagged.

5. The personal foul on Hasselbeck after he was picked off was bullshit.

6. "Bad" officiating or not, Seattle's time management at the end of both halves was stupefying. Four passes up the middle with under two minutes to go and no time outs? I realize they had no confidence in their kicker after two missed FGs, but come on.

Maybe the refs were Aggies.

Happily, I had no money on the game. I say "happily" because I probably would've bet on Seattle, but my marriage to a die-hard Steelers fan put the kibosh on that.

Oh, and: Worst. Commercials. Ever. The only marginally entertaining one was the one for Michelob Ultra Amber ("You were open, but now you're closed.") and the V for Vendetta trailer.

A love of the arts

I present this link without further elaboration. I expect some APCB regulars will understand why, and leave cryptic messages in the Comments section. For the rest of you, bear with me.

Back to the grind

Reviews up for two of this week's leavings offerings:

Something New

When a Stranger Calls

The romantic comedy about the uptight black chick dating the laid-back white guy soundly defeats the remake of the 1979 horror movie, which isn't saying much.

"It's not the years honey, it's the mileage."

Here's some Indy IV news I can get behind, if you take my meaning:

Sideways star Virginia Madsen so impressed co-star Harrison Ford in new thriller Firewall, she's now the frontrunner to play his love interest in the fourth Indiana Jones adventure. Madsen plays Ford's wife in the new movie and admits they both found an unusual chemistry on set - after the ageing action man handpicked her for the role. And now Madsen is a clear favorite to play the leading lady in Indiana Jones 4. Ford tells movieline.net, "She was an absolute delight - professional, very talented and simply, very sweet. She also took what could have been a fairly one-dimensional damsel in distress role and added so many layers to it - there isn't many who could do that. I'd work with her again in a heartbeat. I'm actually hoping she'll come over for Indiana Jones. We've talked about it."

This wouldn't be bad news, if true. Me likey Virginia Madsen, ever since Candyman and The Hot Spot. She's an underrated actress who sort of got pushed aside after the 1980s. Plus, at 42, she's at least only about 20 years younger than her possible co-star. Beats the almost 30 years between Ford and Anne Heche in Six Days Seven Nights.

Producer George Lucas has said he "hopes" to have a script and a start date for production this year. My curiosity regarding this project has gradually traveled the spectrum from "mild" to "morbid." Are they really going to try and sell the 64 year-old Ford as an action hero? Will he be fighting the Commies? The Atlanteans? HUAC? Will Jet Li play Short Round (HWRNMNBSOL's dream)? Will central casting mistakenly give Amy Irving a part?

Stay tuned, if you aren't tired of being jerked around quite yet.

Every thorn has its prick

This is a shitty way to start your weekend:

Cactus Music & Video, one of Houston's best-loved and best-stocked independent music retailers, will close on March 31.

General manager Quinn Bishop announced the closing in a letter today.

Several reasons for the closing were cited. On the business side, Bishop's letter mentioned industry-wide problems that have plagued the music business: high list prices and sluggish CD sales due to downloading, file-sharing and burning; and competition from larger retailers like Best Buy, which can afford to sell CDs as a loss-leader. Cactus' video-rental service also experienced lagging business as well.

Cactus' prices were always on the high end, but it was worth it to be able to walk into a store and take your pick of Man or Astro-Man? discs without having to wait for the mail, or to leisurely peruse the full catalogue of Something Weird films.

But besides that, none of the major CD outlets are likely to stock the wide range of independent Texas music Cactus did. Billy Joe Shaver? Todd Snider? Big Boys? That old Skunkweed 7"? Cactus had it. Good luck finding "Corporate Deathburger" at Wal-Mart.

Cactus was always a nutritious part of any lazy Saturday shopping in Houston, along with Bedrock Comics and Murder by the Book. Of course, we also used to hit the Ale House for a beer afterwards. Haven't been able to do that in a while. And the in-store appearances (with free St. Arnold's draft) were always a relaxing way to spend a late Friday afternoon.

I'm really looking forward to not being able to tell Montrose from the Woodlands Parkway in a few years. Might as well move to fucking Conroe and be done with it.

"There are three things you don't discuss with people: religion, politics and the Great Pumpkin."

Muslims burning Danish flags because of cartoons - fucking cartoons - depicting their prophet in a less than flattering light.

Christians boycotting studios and TV channels because of offense taken from movies and shows they - by their own admission - haven't even watched.

Jews bitching at Steven Spielberg because he dared to give the opposing side a voice in Munich.

Until we all admit that this concept of a "higher power" is horseshit, I guess the Big 3 can at least find comfort in their common cause: getting worked up about this kind of crap, which is really better left to dumbass bloggers like myself.

"I think so, Brain, but if the plural of mouse is mice, wouldn't the plural of spouse be spice?"

As I was leaving my screening of When a Stranger Calls (capsule review: "horgh") tonight, I was accosted by Lemmy, one of the friendly local studio reps.

Lemmy (I call him Lemmy because no human being on Earth looks less like the Motorhead frontman than this guy) doesn't do the PR thing full time, having moved on to greener pastures in the media world. He still grabs a screening here and there as a favor and to make some easy cash. At a promo screening like this one, for instance, the rep's job essentially consists of making sure all the press/media people have a seat, and to keep others from sneaking into the designated rows. Then, at the end, he/she asks the moviegoers what they thought so he can pass word to the studio. Normally, he asks me what I thought, and I would've been only too happy to make a retching sound for him this evening, but he had a different question for me tonight.

He asked me, "Where are the fake wives?"

My movie passes are good for two people, and while I usually show up alone, I'm occasionally accompanied by a friend who wants to see a particular picture. My default is The Thing That Walks Like a Man, as he is in the unique position to appreciate some of the more pungent efforts I get to sit through. Sometimes, though not frequently, I bring The Wife. She's usually pretty blase about seeing what I get offered, however, which leaves the door wide open to her friends. AKA The Fake Wives.

Y'see, Lemmy pulled me aside at one point about 9 months ago and asked me about the, er, variety of women I attended movies with. I suspect another PR person regaled him with the story of when I saw War of the Worlds with a friend of The Wife's from law school. It was on this occasion - because we both bore easily - that we told this particular person not to let my wife know I had shown up at the movies with another woman, intimating that we were something more than "friends."

Juvenile, yes. And probably apt to come back and bite me on the ass. But as Lemmy informed me a while back, this heightened my notoriety among a certain segment of the PR crowd. Hence, tonight's joke. I had to confess that even my oily wily charms weren't enough to convince anyone to accompany me to tonight's "film."

Though I may see if She Who Shall Not Be Named has the patience to sit through Curious George.

Sealing your Dune

Sweet apes of Shadout Mapes, there's an extended version of Dune?

The story behind the adaptation of Frank Herbert's massive, seminal science fiction novel DUNE is a well-known one, spanning 20 years and involving directors as diverse as Alejandro Jodorowsky and Ridley Scott, before the job fell to David Lynch. DUNE tells a story set far in the future, in the year 10191, where factions war over control of the substance named "spice."
[...]
DUNE is famously an enormous, expensive production that was critically lambasted and ended up a financial flop. In part to recoup their losses, Universal Studio edited a longer edition of the film to be shown on television, but director Lynch disavowed this version. But in subsequent years the film has been reappraised and reappreciated, and the extended version has been coveted by fans worldwide. Both the original and longer cut of the film are available together in DUNE: EXTENDED EDITION.

Oh, frabjous day. More comical voiceovers? More boil lancing on Baron Harkkonen? More jaw-clenching overacting? More Sting? Sign me up.

I'm actually dead serious. One of the most frequently quoted movies of my youth, along with Buckaroon Banzai and Aliens, was Dune. I had special fondness for "Usul no longer needs the Weirding module" and "Might I be known as Paul-Muad'Dib?" My sister, finally succumbing to these fits of geekery, actually got me a Swiss Army knife with "Muad'Dib" engraved on it. Beat that.

On second thought, don't. I have some scary readers.

And all that Razz

Fortunately, we have a counterpoint to the annual festival of cinematic autofellatio known as Oscar season, and that's The Razzies. Reminding us every year that the studios aren't just running on fumes, they're going downhill in neutral, the Razzies are a breath of fresh scorn, blowing away the constant geyser of hot gases billowing from Hollywood.

And yet, with movies getting worse and worse (and 2005 was one of the foulest of all time), can the Razzies continue to sort out the cream of the crap, or will they be suffocated by the rising tide of remakes and sequels? Time will tell.

You know the drill...

Worst Picture
Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo
Dirty Love
Dukes of Hazzard
House of Wax
Son of the Mask

I'm going to be at a disadvatage right off the bat, because I didn't see Dirty Love, a film that made just about everyone's Worst of 2005 lists. It should come as no surprise there weren't any screenings offered, just as it shouldn't be a shock that I have no intention of watching it. I'll take a few bullets for you people, but this is unpaid, after all.

A lot of the outrage I've seen leveled at Son of the Mask is based on how it ignores the original. Well no shit, people. It also ignores the comic book and the Saturday morning cartoon. Quelle surprise. And even then, I consider it a toss-up with Deuce Bigalow. Dukes was shit, but still not in the same category, and at least Paris Hilton dies in House of Wax.

Worst Director
John Asher / Dirty Love
Uwe Boll / Alone on the Dark
Jay Chandrasekhar / The Dukes of Hazzard
Nora Ephron / Bewitched
Lawrence Guterman / Son of the Mask

Boll. Period. It's cliche at this point, but if Wikipedia needs an illustration for its entry on "willfully clueless ineptitude," they should just grab a pic of Herr Dr. Boll. The man makes Brett Ratner look like D.W. Griffith.

Every other nominee is struggling to emerge from Boll's immense shadow of hackery.

Worst Actor
Tom Cruise / War of the Worlds
Will Ferrell / Bewitched and Kicking & Screaming
Jamie Kennedy / Son of the Mask
The Rock / Doom
Rob Schneider / Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo

Cruise (and Katie Holmes, as we'll see later on) is still suffering some blowback from The Oprah Incident, but he's not in the same sucktastic league as Kennedy, Schneider, or Farrell. I'm going with Kennedy, simply because I think SotM is going to sweep everything Dirty Love isn't up for.

And at least The Rock played a bad guy. Yeah, that's a spoiler, but if you haven't seen Doom by now, you never will.

Worst Actress
Jessica Alba / Fantastic Four & Into the Blue
Hilary Duff / Cheaper by the Dozen 2 & The Perfect Man
Jennifer Lopez / Monster-in-Law
Jenny McCarthy / Dirty Love
Tara Reid / Alone on the Dark

Duff will likely fly under the radar, and Lopez will probably never sink to the Plutonian depths she delved in Gigli. McCarthy is the favorite, but Alba could pull it off for being so high profile. Then again, Reid's performance is one for the ages. The Dark Ages.

Reid by a cocaine-bleached nose hair.

Worst Supporting Actor
Hayden Christensen / Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith
Alan Cumming / Son of the Mask
Bob Hoskins / Son of the Mask
Eugene Levy / Cheaper by the Dozen 2 & The Man
Burt Reynolds / The Dukes of Hazzard & The Longest Yard

It just occurred to me that Steve Martin got off nearly scot-free for Cheaper by the Dozen 2, which hardly seems fair, considering his presence was one of the main reasons anyone went to see it. If The Pink Panther remake had come out in '05, this would be a lock for Steve.

With Hoskins and Cumming splitting the vote, and Levy and Reynolds seeming greedy with two movies apiece, it's Hayden all the way. Yeeeeessssssss.

Worst Supporting Actress
Carmen Electra / Dirty Love
Paris Hilton / House of Wax
Katie Holmes / Batman Begins
Ashlee Simpson / Undiscovered
Jessica Simpson / The Dukes of Hazzard

I didn't think Holmes was bad in Batman Begins, just that she was hopelessly outclassed by Bale, Freeman, Neeson, Caine, and Oldman. Having only seen two of the other four nominees, and since Hilton at least got oily and snotty before she got offed (and wow, is she ugly), I'll have to go with Simpson.

Worst Screen Couple
Will Ferrell & Nicole Kidman / Bewitched
Jamie Kennedy & ANYBODY Stuck Sharing the Screen with Him / Son of the Mask
Jenny McCarthy & ANYONE Dumb Enough to Befriend or Date Her / Dirty Love
Rob Schneider & His Diapers / Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo
Jessica Simpson & Her “Daisy Dukes” / The Dukes of Hazzard

Schneider, because the diapers are so fitting.

Worst Screenplay
Bewitched, Nora Ephron, Delia Ephron & Adam McKay
Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo, Rob Schneider, David Garrett & Jason Ward
Dirty Love, Jenny McCarthy
The Dukes of Hazzard, John O'Brien
Son of the Mask, Lance Khazei

Dukes of Hazzard had a screenplay? Holy shit. In cases like this, you have to go with the big names, and Nora Ephron is long overdue for a Razzie.

Worst Remake or Sequel
Bewitched
Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo
The Dukes of Hazzard
House of Wax
Son of the Mask

Give it to the entire 2005 season and be done with it.

And sorry, The Longest Yard was worse than House of Wax.

Most Tiresome Tabloid Target
(New Category, Saluting the Celebs We're ALL Sick Of!)
Tom Cruise & His Anti-Psychiatry Rant
Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes, Oprah Winfrey’s Couch, The Eiffel Tower & “Tom’s Baby”
Paris Hilton and…Who-EVER!
Mr. & Mrs. Britney, Their Baby & Their Camcorder
The Simpsons: Ashlee, Jessica & Nick

This is idiotic. You're "all sick of" these celebrities so you created a category specifically designed to draw even more attention to them? Poorly played, especially since at least half the people on this list would collapse into a nether dimension, Freddy Kruger style, if we all just ignored them.