A Perfectly Cromulent Blog

Post The Break-Up ponderings

1. The character of Johnny O (played by John Favreau) is the spitting image of my friend and sometimes commenter TheDave - if the latter gained about 30 pounds - in both appearance and actions. The latter more specifically, especially when he taunts the Wrigley Field crowd at a Cubs-White Sox game (the character is a Sox fan, Dave cheers rather enthusiastcally for the Raiders).

2. I wonder if Vince Vaughn in an Old 97s fan. Their song "Timebomb" was featured in his 1997 movie Clay Pigeons, and a key scene in this movie takes place at a 97s show, where Rhett Miller and Ken Bethea are featured quite prominently.

Or maybe Aniston is a fan of Miler's. He is rather dreamy, after all.

Bigmouth strikes again

Hey Morrissey, shut the fuck up:

Singer Morrissey has waded into the controversy over the new Oxford animal research laboratory by warning those working on the site “we’ll get you“.

The singer used a concert at the city’s New Theatre on Thursday night to hit out at the £20 million biomedical research laboratory site currently under construction in South Parks Road.

He branded Oxford “the shame of England” for allowing the laboratory and told fans: “If you agree with vivisection, go and be vivisected upon yourself.”

The vegetarian former Smiths frontman and animal-rights activist, who is currently promoting a new album Ringleader Of The Tormentors, has long courted controversy.

In an interview with fanzine True to You earlier this year, he said he supported “the efforts of the Animal Rights Militia in England” and understood “why fur-farmers and so-called laboratory scientists are repaid with violence - it is because they deal in violence themselves and it’s the only language they understand“.

Please tell me you've never been vaccinated, my mopey Mancunian friend. In fact, you should probably eschew all medications, including aspirin and antibiotic salves, since maximum dosages for those were determined - that's right - by animal testing. Not only that, but just about every piece of medical equipment and procedure out there is in existence thanks to it as well. The comfort of your entire petulant existence is provided to you by the very experimentation you deride.

Animal-rights activists are, he said “usually very intelligent people who are forced to act because the law is shameful or amoral“.

Congratulation, posturing like that puts you on the same moral plane as the Army of God and Eric Rudolph. Stick with the topics you're most familiar with, Stephen, like Oscar Wilde, pomade, and men's fashion, and leave science to the scientists. A simple "thank you" for not having to die of smallpox wouldn't hurt, either.

And Johnny Marr was the heart and soul of the Smiths.

What would Jesus protest?

I've been puzzled by some of the most recent religious protests in a number of predominantly Christian countries, so maybe someone more tuned in to their spiritual side could tell me, given the following options, which do you think would have the King of Kings/Number One Son/El Christo up in arms the most?

1. Fictional movies like The Da Vinci Code and The Last Temptation of Christ - one of which has the temerity to suggest that Jesus got married and had children, the other only showing it in a dream sequence.

2. Madonna's latest tour, in which she warbles a 20-year old song while suspended from a cross.*

3. The removal of a feeding tube from a woman whose brain was all but non-functioning, the act of which neverthless managed to mobilize both state and federal governments with a speed not seen since some washed up singer flashed a boob during the Super Bowl.

4. The development of a vaccine which could prevent the development of 70% of HPV-related cervical cancers. The kicker: it may be more effective when administered to girls at puberty.

5. The Catholic Church's sustained pattern of obfuscation and buying off the victims of decades of systematic child abuse committed by members of the clergy.

Now guess which one(s) have garnered the most passionate response from church and "family" groups? I'll give you a hint: it's not #5.

*I'm 100% in agreement with Scott; if she really wanted to be edgy and provocative, she'd hang herself from a Muslim crescent.

In memoriam

On this day when we commemorate those who have fallen in service to their country, I can reflect on how fortunate I am that all my relatives who served managed to return from their respective conflicts, including both my grandfathers (WWII), one of whom is still alive and giving his offspring lip in St. Louis, the other passed away a few years ago.

The Wife never knew her grandfather "Jack." He was the oldest (and shortest) of six brothers (all were over 6' except Jack, who was about 5'9"). His double whammy came when he passed the Navy math aptitude test, which - when combined with his height - made him perfectly suited to submarine duty. He was assigned to the USS Runner, a Gato-class diesel attack sub. She patrolled the Palau area on her first two attack runs, torpedoing six ships in total, though no kills could be confirmed. Her third run was not so successful:

On 28 May 1943 RUNNER (Lt. Cmdr. J. H. Bourland) left Midway to begin her third patrol. She was to patrol the south and west, until she came into the area south of Hokkaido and east of the northern tip of Honshu, where she was to patrol from about 8 June to 4 July 1943. The submarine was never heard from following her departure from Midway.

She was expected at Midway about 11 July, and not later than 15 July, and should have made a transmission when approximately 500 miles from this base. She was ordered on 112 July to make an immediate transmission, but no reply came. Although a careful, lookout was maintained in the hope that RUNNER was safe but without transmission facilities, results were negative. On 20 July RUNNER was reported as presumed lost.

A summary of Japanese antisubmarine attacks received since the close of hostilities contains no mention of an attack, which could explain the loss of RUNNER. Thus her loss must be ascribed to an enemy minefield, of which there were at least four in the area to which she was assigned, to an operational casualty, or to an unreported enemy attack. Destruction by a mine is considered the most likely of these possibilities.

The Runner's wreckage was recovered about ten years ago.

Jack's death had ramifications on his family I won't go into here. However, one can easily multiply his story by about a million (since the Revolution) to realize the impact war continues to have on us. Maybe the latest draft dodger laying a wreath at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier today should stop to think about it once in a while.

Enough editorializing. Instead, I'll just say thanks to everyone who's made the ultimate sacrifice so we - in return - could become an ungrateful nation of morbidly obese consumer whores who pay more attention to a glorified karaoke contest than we do the state of our own government. It goes without saying that I also offer my profound apologies.

And thank you, Jack. You never got to know your granddaughter, but she turned out all right, at least.

2006's obligatory early season baseball post

Richard Justice is a funny, funny man:

Lidge has been a star and will again be a star. Burke is going to be a solid contributor on a good team. Hirsh may be a star.

Wait, you don't think Lidge is finished? I keep reading that Lidge is toast. Why are you in tank for the guy?

Because I've been around the block a time or two. I can now identify (most of the time) the guys you'll make it and the ones who won't. Lidge will make it.

Yeah, your baseball expertise and a dime will buy a cup of joe.

Go ahead and trade him, but don't come crying to me when he ends up atop the all-time saves leaderboard.

I'm sorry, that sound you heard was me spewing beer all over my monitor, then gut laughing until I hemorrhaged, then spewing blood all over the same monitor.

Brad Lidge is going to someday become the all-time saves leader? The same guy who, already in 2006, has one less blown save than he did in each of the two previous years and has a total of 84 saves in 4 years of work, is going to eclipse Lee Smith's mark of 478 total saves? Wow. That's good stuff.

The bottom line with Lidge is that he throws 97 mph and has a great slider. Whatever is wrong with him eventually will get fixed, either here or elsewhere.

As a Cardinals fan, I have just two words for Richard Justice: Rick Ankiel. But for some reason, I don't think those are the two words that haunt Brad Lidge in his dreams. Those words are: Albert Pujols.

True, the Astros went on to win the NLCS on their way to the World Series, but that towering beast of a HR in Game 4 has dogged Lidge ever since. Hell, I live in Houston, and there are plenty of 'stros fans who agree with me.

But apparently having a closer with a 6.53 ERA doesn't bother Justice. I'll bet it bothers a few of the Houston faithful, however.

Hollow Men

Back in the saddle again, after a somewhat self-imposed hiatus from reviewing. So here's my write-up of X-Men: The Last Stand.

Original blog content is so overrated.

Enter the Muntz

"Ha ha."

A federal jury convicted former Enron chiefs Ken Lay on all counts and Jeff Skilling on most counts today, marking the climax of one of the most notorious corporate scandals in U.S. history and nearly ensuring prison time for two of Houston's best-known executives.

The jury heard 16 weeks of testimony and arguments and made its announcement early on its sixth day of deliberations. The eight-woman, four-man panel found Lay guilty of all six counts. They convicted Skilling on 19 of the 28 counts against him.

U.S. District Judge Sim Lake set a sentencing date of Sept. 11. The two men remain free on bond.

I'm late to the party here, but I must admit to being pleasantly surprised that the jury actually brought in guilty verdicts. There are tons of people in this town who know people affected by Enron's implosion, many of whom are still living with the consequences of Kenny Boy and Company's malfeasance. In the words of one of them I spoke with today, "I hope they find the darkest cell there is and they throw away the key."

Skilling was still - predictably - in denial:

When asked whether he could admit that he had broken the law, Skilling replied, "No. I didn't."

"We fought the good fight," Skilling said. "Some things work; some things don't."

Apparently coming across like a pompous ass in your testimony is one that goes in the "things that don't" column.

Lay tried a different approach:

Shortly before 3 p.m., Lay also made a brief statement to the media outside the courthouse: "Despite what happened today, I'm still a very blessed man. At my left is this beautiful lady that's my wife. I have a very warm, loving family. And, most of all I believe God, in fact, is in control and that, indeed God works all things good for all who love the lord. We love our lord, all this will work for good."

Must be another one of those "mysterious ways" things, eh? Or as The Wife put it, "Where's your messiah now?"

To quote Dennis Miller when he used to be mildly humorous (c. 1993):

"Manuel Noriega wants us to belive he's a changed man, says he found Jesus in a Dade County jail cell. I've got news for you, Manny: every other guy in that place are named Jesus."

The convictions won't change the fact that lives were ruined while these scumbags purchased their ivory backscratchers, but it's a small victory for the good guys.

"What the hell is an 'Aluminum Falcon?'"

I find Robot Chicken to be pretty hit or miss. When Seth Green and company get it right, however, they can be absolutely hilarious. As in this bit, which imagines what the post A New Hope phone call from Darth Vader to Palpatine might've looked like:

"Oh geez, he's crying!"

Courtesy of Fuzzball.

Thoughts on seeing X-Men: The Last Stand

"Way to kill a franchise, Ratner."

That, and a number of other thoughts I'd rather not spoil before my review comes out.

Oh fine, one more:

"Why don't they just float the cars over?"

You'll understand when you see it.

Better days are shining through

Got this e-mail yesterday from the 20th Century Fox Publicist:

Just wanted to let you know that GARFIELD: A TAIL OF TWO KITTIES will now open nationwide on June 16th.

Please feel free to call or email me with any questions or concerns.

I am in the process of setting screenings and will have that info out to you as soon as the details are confirmed.

Somehow, I'd conveniently managed to forget there was even a second Garfield movie coming out, much less that it was to be released this year, or that its release date had been bumped up from late to early summer. A sign of quality filmmaking if ever there was one.

Here's the lineup of movies opening that weekend:

Garfield 2
Nacho Libre
The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift
The Lake House

I don't play a lot of Gran Turismo and I'm not very interested in a movie reuniting the cast of Speed that lacks an exploding bus. Nacho Libre is a little difficult to get a handle on. It has an amusing concept, but if Jared Hess brings the same forced sense of whimsy he did to Napoleon Dynamite, we could have problems.

Maybe I'll just take the week off.

Like a rock

The act of fornicating in the back (or front, preferably without bucket seats) seat of an automobile is as American as morbid obesity and jingoistic military posturing. It's one of our more widely acknowledged rites of passage, even if urban sprawl and a ballooning security infrastructure has eliminated many of the out-of-the-way spots teens used to be able to use to satisfy their carnal urges. Further, it has a more nostalgic tinge to it than current fads like "death lists" and posting pictures of yourself smoking weed on MySpace.

How do I know all this? Why, because popular music has told me so. Artists of all genres are known for their heavy reliance on cliche, and the concept of nailing your high school sweetie in a car parked behind a grain silo has been a staple in songwriting for over 40 years. Further, it has romantic connotations lacking in such adolescent situational equivalents as getting a hand job in a dollar theater or hastily consummating your relationship on the floor of a bathroom during a post-football game party, for some reason.

But don't take my word for it, check out this comprehensive list:

"When You Close Your Eyes" - Night Ranger

I remember when we learned about love in the back of a Chevrolet."

Really says it all, I think. One assumes they're referring to the physical act of love and not, say, the gospels of Matthew versus the Old Testament.

"Night Moves" - Bob Seger

Out past the cornfields where the woods got heavy
Out in the back seat of my '60 Chevy
Workin' on mysteries without any clues
Workin' on our night moves

There's your argument for sex education, right there: "workin' on mysteries without any clues?" Might as well register the poor couple at Babies R' Us right now.

"Love is a Ball" - Trick Pony

Love is a Chevy, a '67 Chevy
Sittin' in the back seat, breathin' hot and heavy

To be fair, they may have just been riding to work and the air conditioning was broken.

"Chevy Van" - Sammy Johns

'Cause like a princess she was layin' there
Moonlight dancin' off her hair
She woke up and took me by the hand
We made love in my Chevy van

At least it was a van, for crying out loud. These other horny kids fumbling around in back seats don't ever seem to give a thought to their partner's lumbar comfort.

"The Ballad of Desiree" - The Shackshakers

And in the back seat of a black Chevy
they made love by the river's levy

As with Seger's cornfields, I maintain the average American would have a difficult time finding a levy by which to get busy.

"F.I.N.E.*" - Aerosmith

Your lips smackin', patty whackin' walkin' the street
I got a rag top chevy, now i'm back on my feet
I get and e.m.h.o* woody when i sitin the seat
'cause i'm ready, so ready, yeah

"E.M.H.O." stands for "Early Morning Hard-On," in case you were wondering.

They got sooo much better when they quit drugs.

"Renegade" - Tim McGraw

I got a Chevy with a big back seat
Climb on in and take a chance on me

A chance? A chance you aren't a serial murderer? A chance you aren't syphillitc? A chance there's any hair growing under that hat?

"Oldie but Goodie" - Insane Clown Posse

I got big dick for you hoes to lick
I don't trick bitch but take ya bank and split
Beyonce that's why I'm fucking Kelly
In the backseat of a Chevy, after Nelly

I'd comment more on this, but by merely including it I'm running the risk of another Juggalo infestation.

"Somewhere Down the Crazy River" - Robbie Robertson

Take a picture of this
The fields are empty, abandoned '59 Chevy
Laying in the back seat listening to Little Willie John
Yea, that's when time stood still

We had abandoned cars around where I grew up as well. All fine places for romance, provided you don't mind rotting upholstery and rats biting you on the ass.

"Had to Clown" - T-Rock

In the 91 chevy sitting heavy smoking dank
Perimetric in the dash so I know the ho
Think she getting drink but she ain't think she can but she cant

We've come a long way when a '91 Chevy is something to brag about, although I confess I have no idea what half the words in this song mean.

"69 Chevy" - The Robert Ross Band

My 69 Chevy
I just "love" the way she run
I'm gonna call up my baby
The three of us will have some fun

Oh, I get it..."69" Chevy. If I read this right, the car and his baby are going to "assume the position" while he watches, and that's pretty hot.

"Position of Power" - 50 Cent

My mom turn in her grave if I married a white chick
But baby'll suck the chrome off the Chevy and shit

Admittedly, I don't know if this really fits in with my theme. The use of Chevrolet in the context of blow jobs has to count for something, though.

"You Ain't No Angel" - Saxon

You're coming on strong, you're coming on heavy
Wanna mess with the boys in the back of the Chevy?
Let's take a ride, be my back seat lover
You taste so good, you're just like sugar

This is almost, but not quite, as appetizing an invitation as Tim McGraw's. I'd take him up on it, but only if the "boys" he's referring to are the mighty Tygers of Pan Tang.

"I Go Back" - Kenny Chesney

I go back to a two-toned short bed Chevy
Drivin my first love out to the levy

Okay, so not a lot of words in English rhyme with "Chevy:" bevy, heavy...elevy. Whatever, I blame Don McLean.

"Chevy Nova" - The Great Crusades

Now in the back seat of a Chevy Nova
Ballerina slippers and a cowboy hat

Uhhh.

"How Bizarre" - OMC

Brother Pele's in the back, sweet Zina's in the front
Cruisin' down the freeway in the hot, hot sun
Suddenly red-blue lights flash us from behind
Loud voice booming, "Please step out onto the line"
Pele preaches words of comfort, Zina just hides her eyes
Policeman taps his shades, "Is that a Chevy '69?"

And again: "69." Bravo.

"You Win My Love" - Shania Twain

I'm lookin' for a lover
Who can rev his little engine up
He can have a '55 Chevy
Or a fancy little pick-up truck

What about an Accord? Or a Volvo? A Kia Sportage?

Materialist.

UPDATE: Thanks to my fine commenters, I have more examples...

"Bel Air" - Old 97's

I'm drowning in the back seat of a '61 Bel Air, I got a mouthful of your hair. A handful of skin.

Suggested by Basshole. Initially overlooked because, uh, I didn't realize a Bel Air was a Chevrolet.

"Boomin' Granny" - Beastie Boys

I know I'm younger, and you're much older You look so nice on my Chevy Nova

Also suggested by Basshole. I guess that old Simpsons adage about being hot property just because you have a car holds up. A Nova? Yeesh.

"Late Model Love" - The Bobs

Charlie walked away, leaving his Chevy behind I drove it til the fuel pump froze, then I started dating again... I ran into a man who had a diesel Mercedes Sensible but not real fast, a model that you'd expect to last

I have to admit, this song makes me a little uncomfortable. Probably because I suspect, as the song says, I've already got too much slop on my shocks. Thanks to Blurker Gone Bad for the heads-up.

Ron also correctly chastised me for not including any Springsteen. I'm not really sure how that happened, but I blame Bush.

"Racing in the Streets" - Bruce Springsteen

I got a sixty-nine Chevy with a 396 Fuelie heads and a Hurst on the floor She's waiting tonight down in the parking lot Outside the Seven-Eleven store

True story: the first time I heard this song was a cover by Queen drummer Roger Taylor from his solo album Strange Frontier. That was also the first time I heard Dylan's "Masters of War."

"Tonight, we salute the silver anniversary of the Great Springfield Tire Yard Fire. Twenty-five years, and still burning strong!"

A decade ago today, after taking a couple of pre-ceremony slugs from my best man's flask, I exchanged vows with the woman who would become The Wife. We were married at St. Anthony's in Falls Church, VA. I was a grad student working full-time as tech support at a local ISP, she was a paralegal who'd foolishly followed me some 1500 miles across the country to live (briefly) in sin during our engagement, having taken some pretty long odds that a guy with a Bachelor's in History might actually have potential to be anything but a drunken, hourly wage-earning smartass.

The wedding itself was rather hilarious. The priest was a third stringer; the normal priest we thought we were getting having double-booked and the deacon we liked was going to be on sabbatical, so we ended up with Father Ben. Or as I dubbed him, "The Nigerian Nightmare." His English-speaking was about on par with Fernando Valenzuela, and he'd only ever presided over one other wedding, and that one a full Mass. Luckily, the entertainment that day was a friend from high school who graciously decided to swing down from performing at the Met in NYC to sing at our nuptials. And having many weddings under her belt, she held things together well enough that the entire congregation didn't break out into peals of hysterical laughter.

Just a few chuckles here and there, and most of those from the drunk internet folks I invited.

I can say without hyperbole that the ensuing ten years have been the best of my life. We've gone from sharing a house with three other people and driving a piece of crap Toyota Tercel to owning our own home, becoming pretty damned successful in our chosen careers, and having a beautiful little girl (I'm still driving a piece of crap Toyota, however). I can also say without fear of contradiction that, were it not for my wife, I'd still be kicking around as a bartender and telling people how much I wanted to be a writer while spending my evenings playing video games and watching what remained of my marginal good looks swirl down the drain. The Wife has always been my biggest supporter, and my biggest critic. If I write something that sucks, she lets me know. I don't always take her advice, but I usually regret it when I don't.

The somewhat ironic thing is, we're not doing much of anything to celebrate the big 1-0. Late last year we'd discussed plans for going abroad, but there's been something of an avalanche of bad news and family crises hammering us since January. We remain uncharacteristically confident that this is a relatively brief downturn (optimism, I've belatedly come to learn, is sometimes a necessity), but have had to scale back our celebratory plans.

And having said that, I can't possibly imagine going through the last few months without The Wife. I know she'd say the same about me, but she's always been the sane one in our relationship. Every time I feel like I've finally, inexorably lost control of everything, she's there to smack me in the mouth (figuratively) and bring me back around. One day I might file charges, but right now all I have is gratitude.

So happy anniversary, babe. I know 2006 is shaping up to be one of the all-time worst, but we were probably due, and I know everything's going to turn out all right.

Ten years…not bad for a starter marriage.

The Da Vinci Load

In the interest of full disclosure, I must tell y'all that I will not be reviewing The Da Vinci Code this week. The continuing encroachment of Real Life events have forced me into a hiatus until next Tuesday's screening of X-3, after which I will return to relate just how badly Brett Ratner has flushed the franchise down the commode.

Therefore, all I have to offer you are the protestations of the righteous:

As fans eagerly await the opening of the "The Da Vinci Code" in the United States on Friday, Christian protests against the film have reached a fever pitch and include criticisms from Vatican officials, who are fuming.

Monsignor Angelo Amato, the second in command in the Vatican's influential doctrinal department, said the fictional work contains slander, offenses and errors, and if "they were directed toward the Koran or the Holocaust [they] would have justifiably provoked a worldwide revolt," he said. "Yet because they were directed toward the Catholic Church, they remain unpunished."

Cardinal Francis Arinze, believed to be a leading contender for pope last year, has called for "legal actions."

"Is 'The Da Vinci Code' anti-Catholic?" San Fransisco's Archbishop George H. Niederauer asked in the archdiocesan newspaper Catholic San Francisco. "Well, sure it is. The book is at least as anti-Catholic as it is anti-Christian."

It's also one of the top-selling books of the last twenty years, which explains why the always fiscally conscious Church is expending so much effort to attack it while leaving lesser known (and superiorly written) Christ-questioning books like Christopher Moore's Lamb to wallow in obscurity.

Someone needs to get Ron Howard interested in filming a Beaster remake, I guess.

When the movie opens this weekend, Catholic bishops in the United States will release a documentary refuting "The Da Vinci Code" for its claims of secret imagery in the painting of "The Last Supper," claims they say have no artistic or scriptural basis.

Their effort is part of this global campaign against the movie, which stars Tom Hanks.

In London, church representatives have gone to movie theaters to distribute 300,000 "fact versus fiction" scratch cards about details in the movie. For example, one item reads: "Among the fictional points noted, the marriage of Jesus and Mary Magdalene is a matter of historical record." That would be fiction, the card says.

Pointing out a novel is "fiction:" genius. Next they'll tell us poetry should have a rhyme scheme and John Grisham is a hack.

My only question is, when will the call for boycotts of X-Men: The Last Stand go out?

As I reported here, NBC reporter Melissa Stark yesterday dipped a timid toe in the sea of controversy when she interviewed Code director Ron Howard, asking how he reacted to the controversy the movie has created . . . for the Church! Sounding more like a sensitivity trainer than a Hollywood director, Howard offered up some ambiguous prose about it being healthy thing for people to engage their beliefs.

Lauer took the bull of controversy more directly by the horns when he interviewed the cast and director Howard today. Said Lauer:

"There have been calls from some religious groups, they wanted a disclaimer at the beginning of this movie saying it is fiction because one of the themes in the book really knocks Christianity right on its ear, if Christ survived the crucifixion, he did not die for our sins and therefore was not resurrected. What I'm saying is, people wanted this to say 'fiction, fiction, fiction'. How would you all have felt if there was a disclaimer at the beginning of the movie? Would it have been okay with you?"

There was a pause, and then famed British actor Ian McKellen [Gandalf of Lord of the Rings], piped up:

"Well, I've often thought the Bible should have a disclaimer in the front saying this is fiction. I mean, walking on water, it takes an act of faith. And I have faith in this movie. Not that it's true, not that it's factual, but that it's a jolly good story. And I think audiences are clever enough and bright enough to separate out fact and fiction, and discuss the thing after they've seen it."

With the camera focused on McKellen, one could hear a distinctly nervous laugh in the background, seeming to come from either actor Tom Hanks or director Howard. McKellen's stunning bit of blasphemy is likely to test the adage that all publicity is good publicity.

Any tentative belief I had in the discerning tastes of the American public were dashed last night when, in a moment of weakness, I tuned in to American Idol in time to watch thousands of people turn out to pay tribute to Elliot Yamin in his hometown. This is the equivalent of celebrating the third best karaoke singer in the country this year, but I digress.

Ron Howard and company should be heartened by the fact that advance reviews of The Da Vinci Code are pretty dismal (15% "fresh" rating on Rotten Tomatoes). Heartened, because this year more than any other has proven so far that lousy reviews are no hindrance to box office success.

By the time I get to Arizona

Scottsdale, AZ has a new restaurant, with a deliciously "hilarious" name (via Seadogs and the AZ Tribune, though I can't find a direct link):

The name of a new restaurant in Scottsdale is stirring up some trouble. The Las Vegas-based Pink Taco Mexican Restaurant is scheduled to open its second location in downtown Scottsdale in June.

Nearly half a dozen people in the upscale city recently expressed their objection to the name, claiming it's a derogatory slang term for a portion of the female anatomy.

In late April, the city received four e-mails, three of which bore no names, objecting to the restaurant's name.

One of those e-mails stated: "The City of Scottsdale has a very fine reputation around the world. Let's keep the standards high. Let's let what plays in Vegas stay in Vegas."

Scottsdale's reputation, like that of most affluent suburban communities, suffers from its embrace of white-boy gangster wannabes and excessive materialism (c.f. the works of Jim Mahfood and the recently released R.V.). The New York Times described it as "The Beverly Hills of the Desert," which I guess was intended as a compliment.

If Houstonians have to put up with similarly droll names for bars and restaurants (the inimitable "Fumducks" and "Richard Head's" being the only ones I can recall right now) Scottsdale can survive The Pink Taco.

And "I Survived the Pink Taco" would make a great t-shirt.

"No my friend, we must not interfere."

"For it is nature's way."

Bears killed and devoured a monkey in front of horrified visitors at a Dutch zoo, officials and witnesses said.

Visitors reported that the grisly scene began as several bears chased the monkey, a macaque, onto a wooden structure at Beekse Bergen Safari Park.

They said a bear tried unsuccessfully to shake the monkey loose, ignoring attempts by keepers to distract it. The bear then climbed up and grabbed the monkey, mauling it to death and bringing it to its concrete den, where three bears ate it.

Heh..."three bears." If I'd been there, I like to think I would've yelled "Run, Goldilocks, run!" as the terrified monkey raced around the enclosure.

The park confirmed the killing. "The habitats here in the safari park are arranged in such a way that one animal almost never kills another, but they are and remain wild animals," it said in a statement.

"See you next time on Untamed World."

Do we still have 6,000 National Guard troops?

How do you solve a problem like a dismal approval rating?

The issue of "earned citizenship" -- or "amnesty," as opponents of the proposal call it -- is likely to be at center stage as lawmakers take up President Bush's call for immigration reform.

Bush's approach to immigration, outlined in an address Monday night, combines tougher border enforcement with a guest-worker program.

Trying to navigate the election-year minefield on the issue, Bush called for the short-term deployment of up to 6,000 National Guard troops in a supporting role along the U.S.-Mexico border.

And, for the first time, he endorsed a controversial proposal to give illegal immigrants already in the United States a path to work toward citizenship.

With less than six months until the mid-term elections, somebody evidently convinced Bush he needed to do something to reverse his plummeting approval ratings (currently at 29%). Walking a thin line in order to appease both sides, he doesn't seem to be doing a very good job, especially with his own party.

Rep. Dana Rohrabacher, a California Republican, said he was "very disappointed" by the president's speech. He took issue with Bush's distinction between a legalization process for illegal immigrants and amnesty.

"If they are here illegally and you make them here legally, that is an amnesty," Rohrabacher said.

Rep. Tom Tancredo, a Colorado Republican, agreed.

Tancredo said on Fox News that Bush's plan to give some illegal immigrants a way to work their way to citizenship is "not fair" to those who have "been waiting for years outside the country to come in."

On the other hand, you could look at it as a reward for actually having the initiative to come over here in the first place. I thought Republicans were big fans of taking the lead and seizing control of your own destiny. Or does that just count for white people?

Conservatives say targeting businesses that employ illegal immigrants is the answer. When businesses can no longer hire them, the illegal immigrants will leave, they say.

In that case, you better start dusting off the next minimum wage increase. The alternative is closing down those businesses that do hire them, though I guess that won't bother you if your first inclination when dining out is to go to Luby's.

"If I'm a child, you know what that makes you? A pedophile. And I'll be damned if I stand here and get lectured by pervert."

I'm a Cops fan from way back. Like, on the old school season one tip. Boyee. It was mandatory viewing on Saturday nights in college, and watching the "men and women of law enforcement" dispensing hot, creamy justice provided just the inspiration I needed to go to the Continental Club and commit aggravated battery against my liver.

Now in its 17th season, its ratings aren't the best. Granted, they were never Cosby Show equivalent, but the show hovers in the 80s on the Nielsen scale. I don't see it going away anytime soon, partly because it and The Simpsons are the longest running non-news shows on TV right now. And Cops probably costs 1/100 of the increasingly moribund Simpsons.

But the show's getting stale. No matter how many specials you shoot at Mardi Gras or Sturgis, people get tired of seeing the same garden variety drunk drivers, wife beaters, and meth-/crackheads every week.

Cops is unlikely to change the formula, and thanks to watching more TV this week than I think I have in the last year, I've decided John Langley and Malcolm Barbour need to jump on the newest crime-o-vision bandwagon: namely, making a show based solely on Dateline's latest premise of luring pedophiles to an alleged meeting with an underaged kid and showing them getting busted. Last week's episode, subtitled "To Catch a Predator...Not the Cool Kind from that Schwarzenegger Movie," rated higher than The King of Queens, 20/20, or The Amazing Race.

All reality shows depend to some extent on your dislike of one or more of the participants. People hated Richard Hatch in Survivor, or the models in Amazing Race, or Joe Rogan on Fear Factor. But there were always those you found youself rooting for as well. Even with Cops you could usually find some pity in your heart for the guy who had a few too many and took a leak in the wrong alley. But an all-pedophile show would unite the country in hatred. It's like using Nazis as the villains in your movie, it's guilt-free schadenfreude.

Obviously you'd need some changes to the format. Instead of having Stone "Temple" Phillips or whoever coming out to interrogate the pedo, use a real kid as bait and let the child's family get an uninterrupted 30 seconds to "talk" with the guy. Then, after filming the dude crawling out into the driveway while bleeding from his ears and spitting out tooth fragments, have the cops come in and make the arrest. They could also film in different cities, and have audience interaction. "Guess Which Pedophile Makes the Most Money?", for example, or voting for the most shocking act unrelated to actual molestation, like the guy this week who brought his own six-year old kid with him the meet-up.

I'm not denying such a show would only acclerate our descent into the abyss, but I need the money, and expect a producer's credit for any shows that come from my idea.

Blond, James Blond

The new Casino Royale trailer is up. Check it out in all its majesty here.

Parkour! Uncomfortably snug Euro-swimsuits! "The Denchster!" The first fair-haired 007! Take a look at him in that last shot:

Connery had a certain earthy quality about him, and Dalton's portrayal always hinted at the brutality within, but Craig might go down as the first Bond to actually scare the shit out of me. Having said that, I've been a 007 fan since childhood, and I'm willing to give the new guy a shot, if only because there seems to be such a backlash against him.

And because I fear grievous bodily harm.

"Hey, kids, always recycle...to the extreme!"

Here's a little formula I came up with after seeing the freaky abomination that passed for a prize in my daughter's Happy Meal last Friday:

Lovable, yet borderline creepy Troll dolls             +            Consumerist, teen whore training doll Bratz            

=
"Trollz"

I admit, I can't be completely sure which of these blinged out Angela Davis lookalikes was the one nestled in the bag next to my kid's apple dippers. Frankly, I was too afraid of accidentally looking it in the eyes and turning to stone.

Run, Ethan, run

Mission: Impossible III review is up. 2 1/2 stars.

Didn't see anything else, so just use your best judgment with regard to this week's other releases. You know we trust you.

"I've been looking forward to this for a long time."

"Yes, I'll bet you have."

Lucasfilm has announced that this September fans can look forward to the long-awaited DVD release of the original theatrical incarnations of the classic "Star Wars" trilogy!

In response to overwhelming demand, Lucasfilm Ltd. and Twentieth Century Fox Home Entertainment will release attractively priced individual two-disc releases of "Star Wars," "The Empire Strikes Back" and "Return of the Jedi." Each release includes the 2004 digitally remastered version of the movie, as well as the original theatrical edition of the film. That means you'll be able to enjoy "Star Wars" as it first appeared in 1977, "Empire" in 1980, and "Jedi" in 1983.

See the title crawl to "Star Wars" before it was known as "Episode IV"; see the pioneering, if dated, motion control model work on the attack on the Death Star; groove to Lapti Nek or the Ewok Celebration song like you did when you were a kid; and yes, see Han Solo shoot first.

Huh. Releasing the original, non-special edition OT on DVD. Now why didn't I think of that?

"Over the years, a truly countless number of fans have told us that they would love to see and own the original version that they remember experiencing in theaters," said Jim Ward, President of LucasArts and Senior Vice President of Lucasfilm Ltd. "We returned to the Lucasfilm Archives to search exhaustively for source material that could be presented on DVD. This is something that we're very excited to be able to give to fans in response to their continuing enthusiasm for Star Wars. Topping it off with a new interactive adventure makes September 12 a red-letter day for Star Wars fans."

Blow it out your exhaust port, Jim. I'm not sure what happened to make Lucas change his mind (he probably bet on the Seahawks), and that assumes this was never his intention in the first place, but I can guaran-goddamn-tee you Star Wars fans have been special featured out the ying-yang. Screw your interactive adventures, your making-of documentaries, your poorly CG’ed Jabbas, and your digitally enhanced lightsabers and give me the movies the way they were when they were released. You know, the versions that made Lucas richer than Croesus and allowed him to ignore the fans in the first place.

Still no chance of a Holiday Special DVD release, I take it?

"I have misplaced my pants."

Finally:

It's hard to say what No Pants Day commemorates other than simply the freedom associated with not wearing pants.

Participants are urged to show up for work or play in modest boxer shorts or other types of underwear, such as bloomers, slips or briefs.

But whatever you do, don't wear pants, and wearing skirts, dresses or kilts doesn't count.

Apparently the holiday is popular mainly with college students, and it is especially big at the University of Texas in Austin. The holiday has a Web site in Austin at www.nopantsday.com.

Rarely have I been as proud of my Longhorn brethren as I am today. And as a ceaseless lobbyist for "Pantless Fridays" in the corporate world, I see this as a crucial first step in removing the tyranny of trousers in our workplaces.

Burning down the (White) House

I'm assuming most of you have seen Stephen Colbert's fantastic speech at the White House Correspondents Dinner last weekend. If not, you can check it out here. Go on, I'll wait:

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3

Full link here, I think.

I can't decide if the AP intended this as an intentional whack job when they invited him to speak, or if everyone was just unbelievably clueless. Regardless, Colbert managed - in 20 short minutes - to shred not only the President, but the lickspittles in the media who've allowed his crimes to go unchallenged for six years.

The 15 of you who read this blog (18 when the Chron links to it) have grown used to the occasional barb flung Bush's way, and there are plenty of other bloggers out there with a much greater readership doing a much better job. But Colbert managed to singlehandedly tear down much of the sycophantic and misleading bullshit surrounding the current Administration on a national stage, and he did it with the President sitting not 15 feet away. The man has, as Bullet Tooth Tony might say, "big brave balls."

Predictably, the apologists have come out in force to describe how Colbert "bombed." Right. The reporters, military officials, and government lackeys in the audience weren't laughing because he had them dead to rights. If someone on stage was calling me out as a toadying coward (the WH press corps) or a spineless yes-man (the military), I probably wouldn't be laughing either.

Unless I was Antonin Scalia, apparently. That boy ain't right.

Dammit, Jim...

I know some baseball teams platoon certain positions on a regular basis (Cleveland using Eduardo Perez and Ben Broussard at 1st base, for example), but is it possible to split fielding and hitting duties for the same position?

Today against the Reds, Cardinals CF Jim Edmonds came up to bat in the top of the 7th and - in keeping with his pattern this season - did his Mendoza average proud and struck out with the bases loaded. Cincy went on to win 3-2.

Edmonds is still a walking highlight reel in the field, but maybe we could find someone to bat for him whenever he comes up in the order. This someone wouldn't have to take the field, just step in the box and bat.

Any chance of getting Tony Gwynn out of retirement? We can even get a pinch runner to spare him the ignominy of waddling around the bases.

"I thought I was looking at my mother's old douchebag, but that's in Ohio."

It never ends:

Kyle Newman has signed on to direct "Revenge of the Nerds," a remake of the seminal 1984 teen comedy.

The project is being developed by Fox Atomic, the new young-adult genre division of Fox Filmed Entertainment. The studio is eyeing a summer start date.

"Young-adult genre division?" What better excuse to turn the previously R-rated Nerds into family friendly PG-13 entertainment?

On one hand, we have the internet now, with its attendant message boards and fanfic devoted to everything from Space: Above and Beyond to Quantum Leap slash. Given how much geek/nerd culture has seeped into the popular consisciousness (Angelina Jolie played a hacker, for crying out loud, and that was back in 1995), the subject is bound to be a little less fresh than when my dad put tape on his glasses and donned a pocket protector to buy us stickets to the first Nerds movie.

And that Columbine thing kinda put the exclamation point on the whole "misfits vs. jocks" angle.

On the other, never has a Presidential administration so resembled a leering collection of high school bullies, especially considering their zealous crusade to roll back hundreds of years of scientific progress. In an important sense, nerds have never been as disenfranchised as they are right now.

Whatever. There better be a Donald "Ogre" Gibb cameo.

Tepid for teacher

What, no Fark thread for this guy?

A former Cy-Fair ISD coach groped a high school freshman on several occasions during the current school year — including at least once while on campus — and made sexual overtures to other students, Harris County Sheriff's deputies said today.

James Walter Goode, 38, was charged with three counts of indecency with a child. He was later transferred to the Harris County Jail with a combined bail set at $75,000.

The victim, a 15-year-old 9th grader, said Goode began fondling her last fall, soon after she became a student trainer in the athletic department at Jersey Village High School, 7600 Solomon.

Curious how whenever it's a male teacher messing around with a female student, no women come forward grunting like orangutans and wondering, "Where was this guy when I was in high school?" Man, I never get tired of that one.

Goode also is accused of taking a second girl, 16, from the school cafeteria to a secluded hallway Feb. 26, and later asking to touch her breasts. The complaint said the girl refused and was ordered not to tell anybody what happened.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, if you honestly think there's nothing wrong with a 30-something female teacher having sex with a teenaged boy, then you should also have no problem with a male football coach doing the same.

And don't forget to high five your son and congratulate him on being such a stud.

I know there are some present and former teachers who peruse APCB. I'm curious to hear their thoughts on this kind of thing.

So say we all

But what I'm saying is: when the hell does the second half of Battlestar Galactica's second season come out on DVD?

I fear for Helo and Tyrol's safety.