A Perfectly Cromulent Blog

"The lord loves a hangin'
That's why he gave us necks"

Hee Haw wasn't very high on the TV viewing priority list in my house. This isn't to disparage the fine product put out by Gaylord Entertainment and WLAC in Nashville (yet), especially since - on any given night - at least one Aaron Spelling production would be airing at Chez Vonder Haar. No, we just weren't quite the target demographic, i.e. folks who understood truck stop humor or the humorous "life lessons" of the Rev. Grady Nutt.

Apparently, we identified much more closely with two streetwise cops plus a snitch pimp and three improbably attractive private investigators who solved crimes in bikinis. Go figure.

Unlike just about every other show on TV, Hee Haw aired for decades. Debuting in 1969, it was a victim - along with Green Acres and The Beverly Hillbillies - of CBS executive Fred Silverman's notorious "rural purge" (Silverman showing for the first time the same forward thinking that would later cause him to champion such shows as Supertrain and Father Dowling Mysteries).[1] Hee Haw survived in first-run syndication, however, finally running out of steam in 1993, seven years after the departure of Buck Owens and 20 years after the murder of David "Stringbean" Akeman.

I could make fun of Hee Haw because...well, it's easy. The jokes were shit, the skits were painful, and the whole thing made Laugh-In look like Curb Your Enthusiasm. Still, I never would've gotten my first taste of bluegrass - and I wouldn't have been able to cleverly add that Ren and Stimpy quote in the title - without seeing Messrs. Owens and Acuff those many years ago.

And then there was this, thoughtully forwarded by The Thing That Walks Like a Man:

You can almost see the light bulb going on over Robert H Brooks' head.

[1] Silverman also executive produced Jake and the Fatman, which has no relevance to this post except for my recollection of the guy in my college German class who swore he watched nothing else on TV and would regale me with a recap of their exploits every Thursday. He asked several of us to watch it with him a few times, an invitation I regrettably declined.

"It's best to stay away from a man when his blood is up."
"His blood's always up."
"The perhaps you should stay away from him altogether."

The Wife is off at some swanky nightspot toasting her friend's birthday, so while I'm on daughter duty, I'm watching L.A. Confidential. For the third time this year.

I can't really say why I like this movie so much. It's one of my "comfort flicks" - like Goodfellas, The Godfather, and Jaws - that I've latched onto for one reason or another. I'm not sure what it says about me that the majority of these movies are crime-related, except that maybe I'm part Sicilian and don't know it.

Speaking of L.A. Confidential, I've been on something of a James Ellroy kick lately. Ellroy wrote Confidential, the third in his so-called "L.A. Quartet." I've read the first three of those, as well as the first two books in the "American Underworld" trilogy (Police Gazette comes out next year). I read American Tabloid and The Cold Six Thousand just recently, and am currently finishing up Hollywood Nocturnes. After four Ellroy studies of corruption, conspiracy, and mostly irredeemable humanity in a row, however, I think I'm ready to take a break.

I bring all this up for a couple of reasons. One - I'm feeling garrulous after a few Molson Canadians, and two - Ellroy's The Black Dahlia comes out in a few weeks. In these dog days of studio releases, Dahlia is one of the few movies I'm looking forward to in the coming weeks. No telling whether or not Josh "Wonder Bread" Hartnett and Aaron "The Chin" Eckhart will do as well as Russell Crowe and Guy Pearce, and the inclusion of Scarlett Johansson doesn't fill me with glee, but Ellroy himself apparently likes what he saw. We'll see what the public thinks, especially since - unlike L.A. Confidential - The Black Dahlia doesn't exactly have a happy ending.

Speaking of lackluster recent releases: two new reviews are up:

Beerfest (***) - not quite a return to form for the Broken Lizard boys

How to Eat Fried Worms (**1/2) - a film the certainly lives up to its title

"The winner will be showered with praise, the loser will be taunted and booed until my throat is sore!"

Lucky for Homer he wasn't a fan of college sports:

One day after claiming the ignominious title as the nation's No. 1 party school, UT launched an unrelated campaign urging sports fans to play nice.

The concept of the "Texas Fans Make Us Proud" initiative is to make that statement a fact and not just a plea, said Jim Boon, executive director of Texas Exes, the alumni group leading the charge.

Be prepared to see the slogan for fans of the 2005 national football champions on hotel banners, T-shirts, buttons, game cups and flashed across the giant video screens at games.

"Be aware that your actions have an impact on children," advises the
campaign. "Foul language and demeaning comments toward the opposing team are unacceptable."

Hey Jim, you might want to remind "the children" that Vince Young is gone. UT will be lucky to finish #4 behind Ohio State, Notre Dame, and LSU. We may not have another chance in our lifetimes to heckle opposing teams with our own teeth and without the aid of Geritol Plus, so kindly shut the hell up and allow us our well-earned digs at our opponents.

Just ask University of Oklahoma alum Kevin Niyah about the plastered Longhorn fan with the cigar hanging out of his mouth at a memorable OU-Texas match in Dallas.

As the crowd watched the game outdoors on a big-screen TV and UT neared victory, the fan set a paddle on fire and began swinging it wildly, said Niyah, president of the OU Club in Austin.

Sparks singed the face of a female OU fan, and police officers pulled out handcuffs after the man uttered a slur under his breath instead of an apology, Niyah said.

First of all, I certainly don't condone setting things on fire in the stands (unless it's the fuse on a bomb to be hurled at Matt Leinart), but a Sooner trying to claim the high ground with regard to behavior at the Red River Shoot-Out is like an LSU fan complaining about pre-game Jack Daniels consumption. I've been to enough Texas-OU games to see fans from both sides who'd be right at home in the bleachers at an Oakland Raiders game.

Perhaps someone simply called Niyah's name and he assumed they were jeering.

"It seems that over the last 20 years or so society has made it fashionable or even acceptable to behave poorly," said Boon, who doesn't want fans to lose their passion for the game.

"We do want them to be respectful of the officials. We want them to be welcoming to visiting teams. We'd like them to watch their language," he said. "If they drink, we'd like them to know their limit."

20 years ago would seem to coincide with when Mr. Boon (BBA 1969) reached middle age, so all this makes a lot more sense.

Finally, our comrades to the east have to chime in as well:

Former Democratic State Comptroller and Aggie John Sharp confesses he's left games early to avoid thousands of victorious UT fans chanting "poor Ag-gies" over and over.

Perhaps UT's fate will change, and the school can take a play from the Aggie playbook, he said.

"At Texas A&M, we have a tradition," he said. "Although we are often outscored, we never lose."

Sounds like loser talk to me, John. Do us all a favor: eschew your sweet 50-yard line seats for a spot in the horseshoe next Thanksgiving and then talk about that famous tradition of Aggie class.

That, and you might try...I don't know...beating us one of these years.

Finally, a national title that really means something

13th?

The Texas Longhorns earned another national title today, topping a list of the country's best party schools in an annual Princeton Review survey.

The University of Texas at Austin beat Penn State University, West Virginia University and last year's winner, the University of Wisconsin-Madison, by ranking second in the use of hard liquor, third in beer drinking and 13th in marijuana smoking in a survey of 115,000 students at campuses around the country.

I'm duly impressed that my alma mater beat out Penn State - a college in the hinterlands of Pennsylvania where there's nothing to do but drink - and WVU - where I don't even want to think about what they do for fun - for the top spot.

However, The Wife has promised the streets of College Station will run maroon with blood if Texas A&M isn't ranked #1 or #2 in beer consumption, and I tend to agree. Aggies do drink a lot, especially after lousy football seasons.

Meaning they should've topped the list for the last five years.

But Texas is only 13th for weed? Aside from about six schools in California, I'd be hard-pressed to think of anybody else that could give the Longhorns a run for their money.

I have it on, uh, good authority that UT is pretty stellar in that regard.

The rest of the list shakes out thusly:

1. University of Texas at Austin
2. Penn State University
3. West Virginia University
4. University of Wisconsin-Madison
5. University of Mississippi
6. Ohio University
7. University of Massachusetts-Amherst
8. Louisiana State University
9. University of Iowa
10. University of California, Santa Barbara

Interesting. There must be some cross-pollination with the list of Schools Situated in Cities You Don't Want to Walk Around At Night. In that case, Hattiesburg and Baton Rouge definitely qualify.

Finally, this inevitable tidbit:

Meanwhile, Brigham Young University was the most "stone cold sober" school for the ninth straight year.

I wouldn't expect that to change until such time as Provo actually opens a bar that isn't a Bennigan's.

My name is Earl [Dittman]

It's a truism - for self-deluding writer types, anyway - that the most offhand, throwaway comment you make will be the one that garners you any sort of notice. Hence, this:

Given all the ancillary activities, more than one reviewer who took in the Snakes scene came away with a distinct Dr. Frank-N-Furter feeling.

"It has the potential to supplant The Rocky Horror Picture Show as the greatest audience participation movie of all time," wrote FilmThreat.com's Pete Vonder Haar.

Maybe it was the beer talking, maybe I was just drawing preliminary parallels to Rocky Horror's lousy initial box office performance and eventual cult status and that of Snakes. In an event, now I finally get to start my own quote whore file.

Look out, Peter Travers.

We got snakes

As I say in my review (*/*****), Snakes on a Plane is simultaneously one of the worst, and one of the best, movies I have ever seen. If you do see it, do it this weekend, when crowds will be their biggest and audience participation will be at its highest level. Deaths are plentiful and Samuel L. Jackson is...well, he's Samuel L. motherfucking Jackson.

Truly, I did not expect to enjoy this, and while the movie starts off like a bad episode of Magnum, P.I., it hits its stride pretty damn quick. There are also some interesting switcheroos on the traditional horror movie formula that I won't go into here. In short, I enjoyed the hell out of it, and if you see it opening weekend after a few cocktails, chances are you will too.

And Julianna Margulies is still hot, but I've carried a torch for her ever since she tried to tame a raging William Forsythe in Out for Justice.

Bad TV Ponderings: Rock Star: Supernova

My reality TV viewing experience spans the first season of Survivor, one of the Amazing Races, and - of course - COPS and Cheaters. I try to limit myself to the first couple episodes of any given season of American Idol, because that's when the most laughs are to be had, frankly, and mocking others from a position of false superiority is really what reality programming is all about.

In short, I'm not into the genre, so when a couple of our friends insisted we should be watching the second season of Rock Star, I immediately called for drug tests. The premise is all Idol: contestants mostly sing cover versions for a panel of judges, while their ultimate fate is hastened along by slack-jawed tweens absuing Daddy's wireless plan. Key differences: 1) the judges are actually the band for whom the singers are auditioning. In this case, the unfortunately named "Supernova," consisting of competent bassist Jason Newsted, adequate guitarist Gilby Clarke, and execrable drummer Tommy Lee (last season it was the non-autoerotically asphyxiated members of INXS). And 2) Viewers only vote for the bottom three, with the band making the ultimate call on who gets the boot.

I admit, we're weak when it comes to summer TV. Having exhausted all available (DVD-released) seasons of Deadwood, Weeds, Entourage, and still getting The Wife caught up on Battlestar Galactica, we're suffering from a lack of quality programming, so we caved and watched the last two weeks of Rock Star: Supernova. And only because Patrice Pike is one of the remaining contestants.

The Wife and I are Patrice fans from back in her Sister 7 days. The inherent problem with audience polling has been evident each week, as prepubescent females appear to resent the 30-something as someone their parents must have foisted upon the show. They've been voting her into the bottom three each week while less worthy participants, most notably Lukas, whose emo eyeliner and receding-hairline-poorly-masked-with-frosted-fauxhawk I can't look at without laughing, continue to torture us with grunted renditions of Nickelback songs. The band members, to their credit, seem to want Patrice to stick around, consistently ousting her fellow bottom dwellers. It's only a matter of time before they run out of scrubs, though, but we'll keep watching and pulling for her until that happens.

I hope she lasts a few more weeks anyway, after all, it's only a month until the fourth season of The Wire starts.

"Yarrr, I hate the sea and everything in it."

I have received enough on- and off-line requests for this..."rebuttal" of my Lady in the Water review that I decided to post it. Enjoy.

From: "Ben Simon" [e-mail redacted]
Subject: The sad truth about Lady in the Water

Okay this is my breakdown of this movie. I've heard nothing but bad reviews about it, which is really ironic and exciting actually. This movie is like nothing I've ever seen before. It's groundbreaking, hyper-original and full of messages. It's insane. It's full of bizarre characters, priceless lines, and brilliantly cooky and original ideas. But that's just my praise. Let me explain.
This movie represents so many things. Paul Giamatti's character finds a sea nymph in his pool. She is part of a bedtime story. An evil creature from the story wants to kill her. He has to get all of the tenants in this resort to help him solve this mystery and get her back to her homeland. Simple right? Not exaclty. You see, M. Night breaks down the concept of writing, originallity, finding purpose, and characterization all in two hours. Paul has to find out which characters are supposed to be the key elements in saving this nymph's life. There's so many tenants he must listen to the way the bedtime story goes and figure out what each character's purpose is. Is one supposed to be the nymph's guardian? her healer? or interpreter? He goes through sequence of character searching to discover this, but the point is, that every character in a well written story has a purpose. The movie openly says this. One of the tenants is a movie critic and he mentions the fact that in writing (and in the world) every person has some link to the overall chain of the plot, to reality, to existence. Everyone must be there for some cause, even if it's to hinder the plot. This movie represented the concept of writing and innovation. And the way that it showed you that it wasn't afraid to do something different was through the concepts. The villain was a huge wolf with fur of grass. One character only works out half of his body, so he has one huge arm and one small one. Bizarre enough for you? Or dare I say, daring? The movie critic characters gives one priceless line that apitimizes the entire movie. And here it is:
"There is no originality left in this world. I have learned to accept this sad fact."
That's it. That is the line of the century. That makes the whole movie make sense. And what's brilliant about it is: THIS MOVIE WAAAAS ORIGINAL. This was the first movie in history ever to do something different, ever to break that fourth wall and openly state the fact that people are afraid to go into certain dark waters (pun intended) and try new ideas that nobody else has. M. NIGHT DID EXACTLY THAT. The reason no one likes this movie? They saw it is a movie. This thing is so out-there, so unlike anything you'll ever see you can't even criticize it. It's a message. It's a vessel of new thought, creativity. How can you say it was stupid? You don't even understand the movie. THAT'S WHY. You think "I don't get it." and automaticaly label it a bad movie because you are too retarded and close minded to get the concept of it NOT BEING JUST ANOTHER FREAKIN' LOVE STORY WITH VIOLENCE SEX AND THE TYPICAL DRAMATIC STRUCTURE. How can you not recognize the clear messages that were there? Later this movie critic character confronts this big bad wolf and says. "This is just like one of those scenes from a horror movie." Bingo, he's coming right out and saying that you see scenes like this all the time. THen he says. "This is the part where a less likeable character is confronted with a monster and narrowly escapes death. He returns later with a lesson learned and a humorous moment to make things better. This is the part of the movie where there has been no nudity, no violence or anything to make you believe it isn't a family movie. Now I will turn and run and the monster will narrowly miss me." He turns, and gets mauled and killed. THERE YOU HAVE IT.
M. Night knew nobody would understand this movie. HE KILLED THE MOVIE CRITIC! There's your hint. That's what should make all you people who didn't understand it feeling like effing idiots because he's laughing in your face. If you didn't like it, you're playing right into Shyamalan's hands. EAT IT, you're just like everybody else. But I can take pride in knowing that I saw this movie for what it really was: not a movie at all, but a gateway into a new world of drama. Okay so maybe I'm sensationalizing this a little bit, but do you see what this movie is doing. This movie is pinpointing all the people in the world who lack imaginations. Another one of the lines in the movie is "Sometimes you just want to believe a story is true." This shows that this movie is bringing to life all those goofy ideas you hide in your childhood (coincidentally Paul's character must act like a child in front of an old woman to get the bedtime story out of her, tell me where that's been done before), this movie is showing that if it's in your mind, it can be done. It makes you believe this sort of thing can actually happen. That bedtime stories have a speck of truth that you can apply to everyday life.
I understand that somebody may simply not enjoy watching the film, but they should at least recognize it for what it is. And if you're too blind to see the obivious hints in the movie, then at least take it from me. The movie has action, suspense, plenty of goofy comedy, and tons of entertaining characters. One of the main messages in this movie is how the nymph comes into this resort, this little private world, or planet if you will and changes the people. Paul G.'s character has a stutter in the film (and he does AMAZING with it by the way, and all of his characterization) and around her, it goes away. A writer's mind is cleared around the nymph and he writes a world-changing novel. This is a symbol of an angel, a hero, a change for the better in reality. It shows how everybody has a purpose, and no matter what happens in life, somebody will be there to guide you, but you must welcome her, you must help her (which is the whole thing of protecting her in the film). You have to WANT to be a better person, which I think is a paralell to this movie. You have to accept the movie in order to understand it, and if you do your mind will be opened. Ironically M. Night himself plays this writer character. He has a priceless monologue where he asks "What if people don't understand my writing? What if it angers them?" so basically he's speaking through his own voice saying, most people won't get my work, my messages, but I'm doing it anyway. HAHAHA DEAL WITH THAT!
Not only is all of these ideals and innovations amazing, but the film itself is impeccable. The camera angles are meaningful, the acting is superb (except for a select few tenants) and the production quality is out of this world (out of this world can be used to describe so many things about this movie too). So who cares if it doesn't do well? Classic movies were box-office flops. It's A Wonderful Life, Twelve Angry Men, The Searchers -- all failures at the theatre. Then one day someone saw them again and recognized them for the brilliance that they had hidden inside of them. But who cares if that even happens, I myself can take pride in knowing that I am one of the few people who was imaginative and open-minded enough to allow this movie to make sense, to speak to me. And to me, the message of this movie was, if you are someone like me who isn't afraid of what's never been done, then you can never appreciate life. Paul G's character represented all of you people who can't appreciate life-- that is until the nymph changed his mind. His last line is "Thank you for saving my life." Well thank you M. Night for saving mine. Haha yes that's cheesy but who cares? Forget cheesy! It's all like a bedtime story, all ideas are welcome! All ideas are good an exciting. The movie was supposed to make you laugh. It was supposed to make you go "Wow, I can't believe they did that." It's a beautiful moment in the world of cheesiness. Even so, the movie was not actually that cheesy, but the thrilling parts were intertwined with laughable moments, so it gave you that impression. SOOOOOOOO that concludes my explanation of this film, Lady in the Water. Maybe now some of you will have opened your eyes, but probably not. You'll probably go back to watching predictable films like Titanic, Star Wars, and Pirates. All good films, yes. Excellent films. Original? Not in the slightest.
Thank you for reading this. Now go see Lady in the Water. Support the ideas that people are too cowardly to attempt.
Ben Simon

PS For the record, this was not a review of the movie. It was me slapping the truth in the faces of people who wanted to be critics of their own. But guess what, M. Night killed the film critic, so I guess you're all dead now.

Done yet? It took me three tries. I even made the unwise decision to respond, avoiding the obvious kills shots, such as taking him to task for associating Lady with or The Searchers (or Night of the Living Dead 3, for that matter):

From: "Pete Vonder Haar"
Subject: Re: The sad truth about Lady in the Water
To: "Ben Simon"

> It's insane.

Congrats. That was the one thing in your inexplicably
long rant you got right.

Resulting in:

From: "Ben Simon"
Subject: Re: The sad truth about Lady in the Water

THANKS! :D I knew I'd be able to change your shallow mind. Thanks for reading it.

Followed shortly by:

From: "Ben Simon"
Subject: Oh and one more quick thing

inexplicably long rant.. Hmm inexplicable means unexplainable. It was unexplainable how long my rant was? Let's see: it was long. Exactly such and such paragraphs. That was pretty easy to explain.

I thought film critics were supposed to be articulate and know which words to use...? Heh, I guess that's the scrunt's job to get rid of the ones who don't.

Wow.

Shyamalan fans are like a cult, they leap to his defense in a way I haven't seen since...I don't know...Sofia Coppola (can't wait to see Kirsten Dunst wearing blue Converse high-tops in Marie Antoinette).

Of course, since the box office failure of both The Village and now Lady in the Water, their numbers are more in line with Heaven's Gate than the Church of Latter-Day Saints.

Please stand by

"It's in Revelations, people!"

I'm making some cosemtic changes here at APCB...actually esteemed blog host Michael is making the changes, and I'm trying to make sure I don't screw up them up. Things may look a little hinky until I get around to straightening everything out.

UPDATE: I'm pretty sure I've got the blogroll updated. If you link to APCB, please make sure I've reciprocated. If not, gently remind me and I'll take care of it.

Normal operations will resume shortly.

World in my eyes

World Trade Center is the second 9-11 movie this year, and far inferior to United 93. Where the latter feels almost like a documentary, with little emotional embellishment, WTC is more...what's the word...Hollywood? Oliver Stone makes the mistake of deifying his protagonists, which ends up taking away from the actual heroism of that day.

But don't take my word for it, check out the review at Film Threat.

Actually, that's still taking my word for it. Ah well.

I don't know if my visibility as a critic is increasing, or I've just become a bigger asshole, but I've gotten more review-related hate mail in the last couple of months (especially concerning Lady in the Water and Talladega Nights) than I have in the last 2 1/2 years. It's touching, really.

That's it for this week. Zoom and Pulse didn't screen for the press, and since I've already seen Take the Lead and The Cutting Edge, I figured I'd give Step Up a pass.

Bad doggie

Ah, Liberty County...it's the Riviera of Texas, only with the KKK and pit bull farms:

Authorities are seizing about 300 pit bull terriers from a suspected dogfighting ring based at a Liberty County residence where a fatal home invasion occurred last week.

Liberty County sheriff's deputies, Harris County Pct. 6 deputy constables and Houston Humane Society officials are at the site now at 2218 County Road 2252 in Cleveland.

The dogs, some left in outdoor kennels, are believed to have been bred for illegal dogfighting.

It's great that they have to qualify "dogfighting" with "illegal." Of course, in the great state of Texas, the same modifier could also apply to "consensual oral sex" and "putting a gnome on your lawn."

In certain neighborhoods, that is.

A Humane Society official said the seizure is a huge operation.

The dogs will have to be placed in individual crates for transportation because of the danger that they could attack each other if transported together, she said.

They will be brought to the organization's facility on Almeda Road on Houston's south side, she said.

Where I'm sure they'll get along famously with all the other animals being held there. Seriously, the people who perpetrated the crime in the first place would've been doing a greater service by just shooting the dogs.

All the news that's shite to print

Lots to cover before I jet (okay, Toyota) off to the wilds of Schulenberg this weekend. Let's go to the videotape.

+ My unpleasant two star review of the equally unpleasant Talladega Nights is up at Film Threat. It's the best paid advertising program you've seen since...actually, it still wasn't as good as the pilates one with Daisy Fuentes.

+ Mel Gibson, Mel Gibson, Mel Gibson

It's no surprise that the guy is a barely more palatable version of his whackjob old man, but I stand by the two assertions I made at the time of Riggs' DUI bust:

1. Nobody says things when they're loaded that aren't harbored in the darkest recesses of their hearts. I've been drunk more times than I care to admit, and I've never ranted about Ze Jews.

Ze Canadians, on the other hand...

2. Gibson has mad, Passion of the Christ cash, so why is he driving himself home from a bar? Call a taxi, tell the driver to wait out front, then tip him a hundred. Don't want the story showing up on Page Six? Hire a stretch. Hell, I eat Taco Bell for dinner once a week, and I still take a cab home from Rudyards.

It looks like the blowback has already begun, however:

Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo star Rob Schneider is the first actor to publicly announce he will never work with Mel Gibson due to the anti-Semitic remarks he made when he was arrested last Friday. Schneider took out an ad in Hollywood trade paper Variety slamming the star for his behavior in "An Open Letter to the Hollywood Community." The ad appeared yesterday and said, "I, Rob Schneider, a 1/2 Jew, pledge from this day forth to never work with Mel Gibson-actor-director-producer-and anti-Semite." Schneider then went on to say even if he were offered the lead role in Passion Of The Christ 2 or a "juicy voice-over role in his new flick and spoke ancient Mayan" he would still turn them down.

I applaud Schneider's brave stance, and - speaking as a representative of the movie reviewing community at large - I can only offer my heartfelt gratitude to the man for focusing his rapier wit and mammoth Hollywood superstar influence on someone besides movie critics, who have never fully recovered from that other full-page ad he took out.

+ R.I.P. MTV

Music Television's 25th anniversary came and went last week, conspicuously ignored by the channel itself.

It's understandable, MTV today is unrecognizable to anyone who grew up in the 1980s. We first got cable some six months after it went on the air, and I'm slightly ashamed to admit I spent many hours soaking up countless April Wine and Loverboy videos, and later Headbanger's Ball, 120 Minutes, and Liquid Television. I didn't have cable for most of college (or a TV, half the time), so by the time I started ckecking back in, The Real World - MTV's greatest crime against humanity - had already become a hit. From there, it was a short jaunt to the broadcast joke the channel is today.

One thing I did find was this list of the first 62 videos played on MTV. They sure liked that REO Speedwagon.

+ Whine Me, Dine Me

The only magazine I subscribe to anymore is Entertainment Weekly (I deduct it as a business expense, and reading about all the games I'd never get to play in Electronic Games Monthly got too depressing). I mosty skim it, but occasionally come across gems like this:

Five Things You Should Know About AFI

1. The acronymic band name is short for A Fire Inside - a fitting image for the brooding blackhearts whose epic album decemberunderground recently hit No. 1.

But wait, it gets better.

3. The group's notoriously passionate devotees united to form a 25,000-plus-strong fan club known as the Despair Faction.

As a retired colonel in the KISS Army, I cannot brook the existence of these upstart paramilitaries. First, we weaken their ranks with assaults by our front line of firebreathers and blood spitters, this would soften them for attack by our specially trained savate squadrons (clad in fanged platform boots, naturally). Finally, hand-to-hand combat, where crack troops will stab the insurgent emos to death with their own eyebrow pencils.

Nah, just kidding. In fact, here's a special song dedication for you crazy kids.

Shut up, Flanders

Last night was National Night Out, that annual event in which we all pretend we like our neighbors for 90 minutes and share gossip about those assholes who let their dogs run up and down the street every morning.

I'd like to propose a change in the way the event is held in the future, however. NNO's head office is in Pennsylvania, which leads me to believe the idea itself originated somewhere in the Northern states, for only above the Mason-Dixon Line would one consider it a good idea to stand around outdoors on August 1st. Temperatures still hover in the mid-90s here at 5:30 PM, which has to cause some people to reconsider participating. Hell, the only reason I did was because I knew that otherwise my fellow residents would be mocking that inflatable pool I put in the front yard. Bastards.

What I envision is a sort of rolling series of National Nights Out. Maybe Minneapolis could have one on August 1, for example, Memphis on October 1, and Houston on November 15. At least that way we'd only have about a 50% chance of temps above 80.

Okay, 75%

And you call yourself "cromulent"

Footage of the upcoming Simpsons movie was shown at the San Diego ComiCon recently. By "footage," I mean "animated storyboards," but you'll get the gist:

Clip #1

A nice sequence involving the famed mob mentality of the show, notable (to me) for showing Maggie squaring off against Mr. Teeny.

Clip #2

A Jack London-themed scene. Not sure what it's place is, but amusing nonetheless.

EDIT: Links fixed, at least until Fox pulls these as well.

ReviewMaster

Timely, as always.

Miami Vice (2.5 stars) - I have friends who refuse to see this solely based on the fact that Crockett's alligator doesn't make an appearance. Not a great movie, but not horrible.

Scoop (1.5 stars) - Scarlett Johansson still can't act, and Woody Allen still (at least since the 1980s) isn't funny.