A Perfectly Cromulent Blog

She wasn't anti-gun, she was pro-knife

The United States of America is still run by its citizens. The government works for us. Rank imperialism and warmongering are not American traditions or values. We do not need to dominate the world. We want and need to work with other nations. We want to find solutions other than killing people. Not in our name, not with our money, not with our children's blood.

First Ann Richards, now Molly Ivins:

Best-selling author and columnist Molly Ivins, the sharp-witted liberal who skewered the political establishment and referred to President Bush as “Shrub,” died Wednesday after a long battle with breast cancer. She was 62.

David Pasztor, managing editor of the Texas Observer, confirmed her death.

The writer, who made a living poking fun at Texas politicians, whether they were in her home base of Austin or the White House, revealed in early 2006 that she was being treated for breast cancer for the third time.

More than 400 newspapers subscribed to her nationally syndicated column, which combined strong liberal views and populist-toned humor. Ivins’ illness did not seem to hurt her ability to deliver biting one-liners.

“I’m sorry to say (cancer) can kill you, but it doesn’t make you a better person,” she said in an interview with the San Antonio Express-News in September, the same month cancer claimed her friend former Gov. Ann Richards.

To Ivins, "liberal" was no insult. "Even I felt sorry for Richard Nixon when he left; there's nothing you can do about being born liberal — fish gotta swim and hearts gotta bleed," she wrote in a column included in her 1998 collection, "You Got to Dance With Them What Brung You."

She was a better liberal than me: I don't think I ever felt sorry for Nixon.

I only have one personal anecdote related to Ivins, aside from the enjoyment I got from her columns. It dates back to 1997, when The Wife and I had only recently moved back to Houston. I had just started a job, we were sharing a two-bedroom apartment with a friend, and my grace period for my student loans was coming to an end. In short, I didn't have a lot to spend on a gift for our looming first anniversary.

We were both big fans of Molly Ivins though, and in a rare moment of gift-giving creativity (it being our paper anniversary and all), I went out and bought Nothin' But Good Times Ahead and Molly Ivins Can't Say That, Can She? Next, I called her contact number at the Star-Telegram, and - through her assistant - got her to sign them. It was a mixed bag for The Wife: she got Ivins wishing her a 'Happy Anniversary,' but also encouraging her to 'Hook 'em Horns' and opining about what a great husband I was. What can I say? She knew quality when she read it.

In all seriousness, Ivins was one of a kind. She was a uniquely Texas voice, and she will be missed.

The Observer has a nice obituary.

Achtung. Polizei.

It's no Cinderella reunion, but it'll do:

The Police have booked rehearsal space for their upcoming reunion tour, according to reports.

The news seems to confirm claims that the band are on the brink of reforming, more than 20 years since they last played live.

Sting, Andy Summers, and Stewart Copeland are expected to reunite at Lions Gate Studios in Vancouver in the coming weeks to work on material.

With the group currently celebrating the 30th anniversary of their breakthrough hit "Roxanne," details of a full world tour are expected shortly, reports Billboard.

The Police came to Houston in 1984 on their Synchronicity tour and played an amazing show. Of course, I was in 9th grade and living in College Station and the chances of my parents letting me go to the Big City for a rock concert were essentially nil, so I had to hear all about it from Peenman's older brother, who was a senior at the time and gloated about it endlessly while driving us to school. True story.

Anyway, it's pretty common knowledge the three met briefly in Park City at last year's Sundance Film Festival, where Copeland was promoting Everyone Stares: The Police Inside Out, Sting was producing A Guide to Recognizing Your Saints and Summers was bumming quarters. Nothing reportedly came of that particular meeting, but now it looks like I might finally get a chance to see one of my favorite bands of all time live.

Especially since Queen probably won't be reuniting in the near future.

"Nice sack, man."

I hate people.

Spent a good chunk of yesterday afternoon in Houston traffic. Ten or fifteen minutes of which were spent behind a guy sporting a pair of these dangling from his Ford F-150:

I won't go into the fuckheadedness inherent in not only purchasing, but taking the time to install, a pair of "truck balls." More obnoxious than the "peeing Calvin," more grotesque than the suction cup Garfield, "truck balls" are one of the more glaring signs that civilization has teetered too far over the cliff to be pulled back.

Anyway, when I finally passed the douchebag in question, I noticed he was black. A black guy...driving a pickup with a pair of truck balls. A pair of Caucasian truck balls.

I'd weep for the future if I still had any hope for it.

"And what did the doctor say?"

"He said...I was...lazy."

Copied here from Blog 9, because damned if I can think of anything to write about just now.
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Just to get it out of the way: yes, the Academy Awards are largely meaningless, rewarding cheap sentimentality and technical expertise at the expense of honesty and talent. The voters themselves are generally egomaniacal dirtbags who can't be bothered to sit through half the screeners they hoard every year, and the whole thing should be scrapped in favor of a four-hour hemorrhoid cream infomercial.

Now then, the nominations:

Best Picture - Babel, The Departed, Letters From Iwo Jima, Little Miss Sunshine, The Queen

I'll preface all this by saying I haven't seen Letters yet. It snuck into about half a dozen theaters two weeks before the end of the year, and the only Houston promo screening took place the night of the Big Freeze. That said, I don't think Little Miss Sunshine or The Queen belong on this list. The former was cute and amusing in it's own way, but nowhere close to the best movie released last year, and while Helen Mirren was incredible in The Queen, everything else about that movie was by-the-book.

No United 93, no Little Children, no Pan's Labyrinth?

Blog 9 Prediction: I didn't think it was all that great, but don't be surprised if Babel takes this one. The Academy loves to think they really, like, feel your pain, man.

Best Actor - Leonardo DiCaprio, Blood Diamond; Ryan Gosling, Half Nelson; Peter O'Toole, Venus; Will Smith, The Pursuit of Happyness; Forest Whitaker, The Last King of Scotland

I'm surprised DiCaprio was nominated for Diamond, when it really seemed like he did better work in The Departed. Voters must've looked at that as more of an ensemble piece. Gosling's a great pick, but if more than 15% of voters actually saw Half Nelson I'll put a Ryan Seacrest wallpaper on my computer. Smith has no business on this list for the ham-handed TPoH (and everyone knows Jazzy Jeff was the brains in that outfit anyway), so it comes down to O'Toole and Whitaker.

Blog 9 Prediction: Whitaker's Idi Amin was just too fantastic a performance. Any other year I might say they'd give it O'Toole as a lifetime achievement award a la Paul Newman in The Color of Money, but not this time.

Best Actress - Penelope Cruz, Volver; Judi Dench, Notes on a Scandal; Helen Mirren, The Queen; Meryl Streep, The Devil Wears Prada; Kate Winslet, Little Children

The Academy, irredeemable perverts that they are, sure do like young actresses in this category (you have to go back to Susan Sarandon in 1996 to find a winner over the age of 40), which would seem to make Cruz or the future Mrs. Vonder Haar (Kate Winslet) a safe bet.

Blog 9 Prediction: Mirren's on a roll, and is the only one playing a real person, which makes her a slam dunk.

Best Supporting Actor - Alan Arkin, Little Miss Sunshine; Jackie Earle Haley, Little Children; Djimon Hounsou, Blood Diamond; Eddie Murphy, Dreamgirls; Mark Wahlberg, The Departed

Let's see...Hounsou plays himself (proud, deeply attached to his family, prone to fits of screaming rage), Wahlberg plays himself (Southie wiseass), Arkin plays a sleazier version of himself, Murphy resurrects his James Brown Celebrity Hot Tub shtick from 1983, and Haley wins the "That's The Kid From The Bad News Bears?" award.

Blog 9 Prediction - I'd like to see Haley take it, because it'd be well-deserved, but this category is traditionally where the Academy awards older actors their consolation statuettes, and even though his post-1986 resume is beyond atrocious, I'd bet on Murphy.

Best Supporting Actress - Adriana Barraza, Babel; Cate Blanchett, Notes on a Scandal; Abigail Breslin, Little Miss Sunshine; Jennifer Hudson, Dreamgirls; Rinko Kikuchi, Babel

As I said in my Golden Globes blog, this award was given out three months ago, but since we're here...Blanchett's role isn't really supporting, so she's out, Kikuchi and Barraza will split the multicultural vote, and - in spite of the Anna Paquin precedent set in The Piano - Breslin doesn't have a chance.

Blog 9 Prediction - Hudson in a landslide, which will have the unfortunate consequence of further legitimizing the ongoing train wreck that is American Idol.

Best Director - Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu, Babel; Martin Scorsese, The Departed; Clint Eastwood, Letters From Iwo Jima; Stephen Frears, The Queen; Paul Greengrass, United 93

Did Martin Scorsese have carnal knowledge of Clint Eastwood's wife? Why else would he rush Letters out just before year's end to throw a wrench into Marty's latest stab at an award? Sure, Flags of Our Fathers was a bore, but throw the guy a bone.

Frears is just here to flesh things out, and while I'd love to see Greengrass get his due for what was, truly, one of the best movies of the year, I'm not holding my breath.

Blog 9 Prediction - Scorsese finally gets his Oscar, which should be going to Guilermo Del Toro anyway.

Best Foreign Language Film - After the Wedding, Denmark; Days of Glory (Indigenes), Algeria; The Lives of Others, Germany; Pan's Labyrinth, Mexico; Water, Canada

I will continue to assert until the ceremony itself that Pan's Labyrinth was robbed. Relegating it to the relative kiddie table that is Foreign Language Film is a slap in the face to a great movie.

Blog 9 Prediction - So of course it will win this category.

Best Adapted Screenplay - Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan; Children of Men; The Departed; Little Children; Notes on a Scandal

I think the Borat nod is cheating, to a certain extent, as it's "adapted" from his TV show. And besides, there's no way the Academy risks a repeat of Cohen's "rancid bubble" speech from the Globes. To my mind, there are two competitors here, and they both have the word "children" in the title.

Blog 9 Prediction: I have no reasoning behind this, but I think Little Children takes it.

Best Original Screenplay - Babel; Letters From Iwo Jima; Little Miss Sunshine; Pan's Labyrinth; The Queen

This is the only category where Academy voters traditionally let their hair down, so...

Bog 9 Prediction - Little Miss Sunshine. It's how they grudgingly acknowledge the existence of so-called "independent" cinema, even though LMS is hardly that.

Best Animated Feature - Cars, Happy Feet, Monster House

It's a shame this will come down to the two cartoons that don't deserve it. My loathing of Cars is well-documented, though it's pretty as hell to look at. Happy Feet as well. Even as an adult not forced by a child to go see it, I really liked Monster House, but I said the same thing about The Iron Giant, and look where that got us.

Blog 9 Prediction - That one Pixar phoned in.

Best Art Direction - Dreamgirls, The Good Shepherd, Pan's Labyrinth, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest, The Prestige

These are always a crap shoot, having to choose between the period flicks and the F/X-laden extravaganzas. I suppose I should be happy this is one of the only places the thoroughly average Dreamgirls was nominated.

Blog 9 Prediction - Hell, they've gotta give Dreamgirls something, I guess.

Best Cinematography - The Black Dahlia, Children of Men, The Illusionist, Pan's Labyrinth, The Prestige

The Black Dahlia was one of the worst movies of 2006, and now Universal can promote its DVD run by calling it "Oscar nominated."

Blog 9 Prediction - Children of Men - Purely based on the single take scenes, I suspect.

Okay, it's late, and I don't care enough about the rest of the noms to conjure up any real venom. In parting, let me just say that I participate in several Oscar betting pools each year, so every one of these predictions is probably designed to throw my competitors off.

Buck Fush

That's "Reggie" Bush, in case anyone was under the mistaken impression that this is a subtle political post.

I gave lip service last week to how, as a Bears fan, I wouldn't be overly upset if the Saints went. Not becase they "were due" or because I think they deserve it post-Katrina, but because I think it'd make the Texans' drafting Mario Williams #1 over Bush (or Young) that much more hilarious.

Then this happened:

This after unwisely taunting a pursuing Brian Urlacher during his 88-yard TD run. I should've known better than to even obliquely wish good things for someone who went to USC. Happily, Bush was largely ineffectual aside from that TD, and Urlacher and company kept pretty boy Drew Brees on the run for most of the game. I'm still not happy with Grossman, but maybe Chicago can pull it off.

And the victory was made that much sweeter by how it demonstrated just how little brain mass it takes to be a sports analyst:

Oh Thesimann…I wonder how much Urlacher would charge to break the other leg.

R.I.P. Dave Kelley

Some ten years ago, when Mr. Show was still on the air and the internet was MySpace and blog free, I hung out on a dank, smoky corner of Usenet called alt.drunken.bastards. I wasn't one of the more prolific posters (or even one of the most drunken), but I liked hanging out there. It was - at the time - a rare online locale that consisted largely of people in my age group from exotic places like the Isle of Man, Zimbabwe, and Tempe, AZ.

One of the guys I e-mailed with most frequently went by the handle "BDK." I learned, through the course of our communications, that his name was Dave Kelley and he lived in Austin. We talked about UT and our various exploits in and out of town (he remembered local news coverage of the Mt. Bonnell incident, I recalled the signs he used to put up at the Whip In - my favorite being "Nuke the Swiss and steal their gold"). We eventually met in Austin after the 1996 A&M game, doing our former newsgroup proud at the Ginger Man.

He made his living as a freelance journalist, writing for such publications as Boating World and Camping Life and also serving as the on-air automotive critic for KTBC in Austin. We communicated intermittently over the last decade, though we hadn't talked in several years, so when I went looking for his e-mail address on his web site to shoot him a freelancing question, I was - frankly - stunned to learn he had died on December 28.

Here's a link to his obit in the Austin-American Statesman:

Dave Kelley, print, web and television journalist, passed away unexpectedly on Thursday, December 28th, while running on his beloved Town Lake Hike and Bike Trail. Born in Shamrock, Texas, on St. Patrick's Day, 1963, Dave always called Texas, and especially Austin, home. Dave began his writing career while a student at The University of Texas Austin, where he was first published in The Daily Texan . After receiving his B.S. in Journalism, he spent several years in Austin doing everything from running an independent record label to marketing wakeboards before assuming the role of editor at Personal Watercraft Illustrated magazine in 1991, his first role as a professional journalist.

Dave was involved in a lot of cool stuff, and he played rugby (until a rather gruesome injury, documented extensively on his web page, put an end to that), something I always wished I'd been insane enough to try.

Cheers, man.

My father-in-law hates me

Because he brought this into my home:

Admittedly, he and I aren't exactly on the same side of the political spectrum...and he's ex-military...and he's a rabid Astros fan, but there are some lines you just don't cross.

This...this is my payment for letting him borrow The Sculptress by Minette Walters, The Alienist by Caleb Carr, and Lonesome freaking Dove, among others.

I tried. I read...well, a few pages, anyway. Assassins is full of characters with names like "Dan Powers," "John Houston," and - no shit - National Security Advisor "Jeb Stuart." The plot involves the US government passing an "assassination bill" in response to Islamic terrorists crippling Saudi oil production and murdering the royal family. A special "threat mitigation" unit is formed and sent abroad to whack evildoers, unhindered by a pesky judicial system. More importantly, we get a glimpse at the world Ollie would've like to forge had that lousy Iran-Contra thing not shackled his heroic destiny.

The gloves are off now. I'm lending him Sam Harris' The End of Faith next. And maybe some Naomi Wolf.

Updateum sporadico

Reviews kicked back in once those pesky family obligations ended. So here's...let's see...

Freedom Writers - **
Code Name: The Cleaner - 1/2*
Alpha Dog - ***

I also did some Golden Globes blogging on that other blog I'm cheating on APCB with. Why, you ask? Because the Chronicle gave me a sweet-ass front page link, ensuring that more than 12 people might actually read it.

As Plug once said, there's no such thing as bad publicity.

Love is - indeed - all around you

It's funny. I more or less have my tastes in books, music, and movie engraved in my brain, but when I get to Half Price Books or the music store, it's like my memory's been wiped. I wander the aisles, desperately looking for some kind of visual landmark to remind me what I like. Sure, I have a Wish List on Amazon, but trips to the bookstore are largely a spur-of-the-moment thing, and I don't usually remember to print it out, meaning I'm doomed to roam my local retail outlets, unsure of what I actually like,

A similar problem afflicts me with regard to other things. I have a kind of mental block that goes into effect when I encounter a home repair issue or computer problem I don't immediately know how to solve, preventing me from using the usual avenues of investigation to figure things out.

And then there's the ex-girlfriend.

The young woman I dated shortly before I met The Wife had mentioned to me she appeared in a music video. Okay, maybe "appeared" is the wrong word. It was a live video and she showed up in it for a few seconds. I never saw it at the time, it being the early '90s and all. Not only was MTV not really playing music videos anymore, but the band in question had largely faded from popularity.

Fast forward thirteen years. I'm goofing around on YouTube, vainly trying to populate some playlists, when I come across a collection of '80s metal videos. As I'm scrolling through it, it hits me: Holy shit, I bet [ex-girlfriend's] video is on here too.

Sure enough, it took no time to find it. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you "Love Song," by Tesla. I won't tell you who my ex is. See if you can guess, if you actually have the patience to sit through it all. Hint: It's not any of the chicks on stage.

And I trust the two or three APCB readers who actually know what she looks like to keep their mouths shut.

Going down rodeo with a shotgun

The concert lineup for the Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo was announced earlier today. As we at APCB like to do every year, here's a not-at-all bitchy overview of the "musical" acts involved (via HandStamp):

Tuesday, Feb. 27 -- George Strait
Wednesday, Feb. 28 -- Los Lonely Boys
Thursday, March 1 -- Reba McEntire

Ah, the classics (well, except for Los Lonely Boys, who are apparently too big an act to be shackled by the confines of Go Tejano Day). This will mark George's 20th Rodeo appearance, tying him with Charlie Pride. This will be Reba's 17th.

N00b.

Friday, March 2 - Black Heritage Day with Natalie Cole and KEM

I was pretty excited when I saw this, though a little confused. I mean, only one of the Holograms was black (Shana). Then I read it again.

Saturday, March 3 -- Clay Walker
Sunday, March 4 -- The Cheetah Girls and Hannah Montana

I am at least marginally grateful She Who Shall Not Be Named is not old enough to demand attendance at this one. Though it might be gratifying to kick Hannah's dad in the nuts.

Monday, March 5 -- Josh Turner

All I know about Josh Turner is that "Josh Turner" spelled backwards is "Lon Nol."

Tuesday, March 6 -- Gretchen Wilson
Wednesday, March 7 -- Sheryl Crow

Tough choice, ladies. Which vaguely empowered female singer/songwriter do you want to check out after getting in the X-Terra with the girlfriends and having margaritas at Pappasitos? The one who traded singing heartfelt love songs for lightweight crap like "Soak Up the Sun?" Or the one who shows some talent, but is inextricably linked with the Ass Clowns of the Universe, AKA Big and Rich?

Call me when Neko Case is on the bill.

Thursday, March 8 -- Alan Jackson
Friday, March 9 -- Pat Green
Saturday, March 10 -- Martina McBride

Now we enter that part of the rodeo lineup I like to call Hell on Earth. I know Jackson gets credit for writing his own stuff and standing out from the hairdo country acts of today, but I still can't stand his music. Pat Green always seemed to me like he might someday throw off the shackles of frat boy expectations and...I don't know...turn out more like Robert Earl Keen than Richard Marx.

I was so naive then.

Sunday, March 11 -- Go Tejano Day with Pesado and Emilio

Given my eminent respect for any artist who only goes by their first name, I think I'll give this a pass. Like I was going anyway.

Monday, March 12 -- Spring Break Stampede with Sugarland
Tuesday, March 13 -- Spring Break Stampede with Toby Keith
Wednesday, March 14 - Spring Break Stampede with Rascal Flatts

Sweet zombie jesus, but this might break the record set for Most Consecutive Days of Excruciatingly Shitty Music (previously held by Woodstock '99). Sugarland is bland garbage, Rascal Flatts does a good Take That! impression, but they're about as country as O-Town, and Toby Keith...Toby Keith is a Ford truck man, which you're bound to remember when the marquee reminds you "FORD presents Tony Keith."

What an outlaw.

Thursday, March 15 - Spring Break Stampede -- Beyoncé
Friday, March 16 - Spring Break Stampede -- Dierks Bentley

Wow. Natalie Cole gets a Friday night slot, but Houston's own Beyonce has to play opposite Grey's Anatomy? That's cold.

Oh, and uh, Dierks Bentley sucks,

Saturday, March 17 - Brooks & Dunn
Sunday, March 18 - ZZ Top

This is the way the rodeo ends
This is the way the rodeo ends
This is the way the rodeo ends
Not with a bang but a whimper

Of course, you have your choice of whimper: the bubblegum country duo who outlived their usefulness ten years ago, or the semi-retired tres hombres, who at least have had the decency to fade in semi-obscurity with their dignity (mostly) intact.

Observation on a bleary Saturday morning

Captain Feathersword is a shitty pirate.

Fine, years of watching your acting career devolve into performing in front of toddlers has given your eyes a nice glint of insanity, and it's possible you're laughing all the way to the bank (though I suspect Greg or Murray held the purse strings pretty tight), but otherwise, just put on a skirt and get it over with.

Sigh. You people without kids have no idea what I'm talking about, do you?

Bowled over

So I'm sort of bound by the rules of my alma mater to cheer for Boise State in the Fiesta Bowl, as they're playing the hated Sooners. Plus, how can you not? Then again, it'd be nice if the Big 12 made a more impressive bowl showing than 3-4 so everyone can stop saying how weak the conference is. Regardless of who wins, that last scoring play for the Broncos has made this one of the more entertaining games I've seen.

Not counting last year's Rose Bowl, of course.

And I'm extremely happy I'm not currently at my friend's house (the one who went to OU) right now to witness his mutiple heart attacks.

EDIT: Holy shit, they won on a 2-point conversion. Outstanding.