A Perfectly Cromulent Blog

"What am I gonna say? 'I killed the president of Paraguay with a fork. How've you been?'"

The review of last night's Police reunion show (meh) will have to wait until tomorrow, for I am heading up to College Station today with fellow alums "peenman" and "seadogs" for my - sigh - 20th high school reunion.

Expect lots of non-specific snarkery and plenty of self-loathing in my next entry, when we find out if Thomas Wolfe really was right.

"People of the world..."

"Every boy and every girl:"

The Spice Girls have confirmed they will reform for a world tour to take place in December and January.

The full line-up has not performed on stage since Ginger Spice Geri Halliwell quit in May 1998.

The 11 dates announced include a London show on 15 December, eight days after the tour begins in Los Angeles.
[...]
The only British date is in London, with the venue not yet confirmed. The other European dates are in Cologne and Madrid.

Yep, the Spice Girls - former Confession Time subject on this very blog - are going back on tour. No Texas dates, mores the pity. Just Los Angeles, Las Vegas, and New York. I have an as-yet unscheduled Vegas trip coming to me, however, and I might be able to convince my traveling companions the weekend of December 8.

I just need to lie and tell them my favorite exotic dancer is at the Cheetah, which has the virtue of being not too far off the mark.

Halliwell added: "For us it's about celebrating the past, enjoying each other and it's about our fans. It was kind of now or never."

In that case, I fully expect this to be part of the night's ensemble:

Yo, I'll tell you what I want. What I really...really want.

La Dolce Fino

I'm trying really hard here, but I just can't seem to get all that worked up about this story:

As soon as the toll hike story first broke, we set out to do what many of our viewers asked -- investigate if anyone gets a freebie. We asked the toll road for records under state law.

Last week we broke the first story -- 5,500 free tags were out there and all toll road employees got to use the EZ tags for a free commute. Late Wednesday afternoon, we got a computer disk detailing every single free toll for a single year and at first blush, the numbers appear to be staggering.

In one month -- May of 2007 -- there were more than 172,000 free tolls. And the change adds up quickly to $150,000 in one month. If that number holds true, imagine how many millions in tolls have been given away in the fifteen years the freebees have been in effect.

Now remember -- some of the tags are given to emergency vehicles and toll road businesses, but in the few minutes we had to look at just one month, we saw the signs of potential abuse -- tags used very late at night or in the middle of the night.

We looked first at west side cops who have dozens of free tags. You'd expect them to travel the Sam Houston Tollway on the west side, but you see tolls in the south and southeast -- far outside the beats.

Again, we are just starting to look at the data, but we wanted to tell you were on top of it. And as we got the records, the toll road had another announcement.

Two months of policy review is apparently enough for the toll road bosses to figure out they should stop giving away free rides that county leaders never approved. It's been a great perk -- a free commute if you work for the Harris County Toll Road Authority. Hundreds of employees had it for 15 years. Not anymore.

A memo Wednesday morning told toll road employees they'll have to pay like everyone else starting right now. The toll road was questioning its own free ride policy at the same time as it was raising toll rates. But once they wanted more money from you, Eyewitness News wanted to know who was getting freebies. And just days after we got that list, the freebies ended.

This story isn't quite synched with the one that aired on ABC13's broadcast tonight (linked on the same page), which said a mere 650 of those 5,500 free tags were given to HCTRA employees. There was also no breakdown on charges for emergency and police vehicles versus those of Toll Road Authority employees, so it's impossible to tell just how much of the "staggering" $150,000/month total is attributed to HCTRA workers.

I don't doubt there are abuses, and the HCTRA's policy probably stipulated the free tags were only to be used for commuting to and from work and for Toll Road Authority-related business, but look at the numbers: 172000 free tolls / 5500 free tags = 31.3 tolls per tag. I'm no big city mathematician, and even allowing that not every tag is used every day (not that we were given any concrete numbers for any of this) that's not even two per workday in May. This is a scandal?

The story that aired on TV was headed up by ABC13's Ted Oberg and APCB favorite Wayne Dolcefino, who solemnly informed us of this injustice while conveniently ignoring both the common practice of employees getting company perks (do ABC13 employees get discounts for Disneyland resorts and cruises?) and the generally shitty pay earned by county employees.

Maybe it's just me, but my righteous indignation meter failed to register on this.

[Insert Depends joke here]

So I turned over a new leaf recently: I don't watch trailers for upcoming movies and I don't read any pre-release "on-set reports" or press about same. Call me a crazy insane crazy person, but I'd like to not know how the movie is going to end (or every major plot twist, or the big action sequences, or the climactic one-liner) before I actually go see it.

Naturally, this isn't a foolproof scheme. Trailers air on TV quite a bit, and video game commercials are notorious for sneaking up on you and showing some pretty relevant plot points (I'm looking at you, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix for the PSP), and sometimes a movie event is big enough to bleed over into so-called "mainstream" media. To wit, this picture - snapped by Steven Spielberg himself - of Harrison Ford as Indiana Jones:

Kind of anticlimactic, huh? Really the only surprising thing for me is how much he looks like my dad.

The problem with a movie like Indy IV (or you can go by its cumbersome in production title, Fourth Installment of the Indiana Jones Adventures) is how every simple bit of information about it is going to be topline news on the movie sites. Without any effort on my part beyond scanning headlines, I know that Jim Broadbent and Cate Blanchett are co-starring, Sean Connery will not be appearing, and that producer George Lucas rejected Frank Darabont's script draft. That says something when George "I don't like sand" Lucas drops the hammer on your screenplay.

At any rate, this will be the last bit of advance Indy news I post on APCB. The fourth movie is slated for release in May, 2008, which gives me plenty of time to screw that up.

I loathe L.A.

Over at Film Threat, we take a lot of pride in our festival coverage. We've tackled the biggies (Sundance, SXSW, CineVegas) and the smaller ones (Sidewalk, SIFF, deadCENTER). Whatever the occasion, we always try to cover as many films and panels as possible. When Mark Bell, our editor-in-chief, is on the scene, we also score a ton of interviews. The idea, especially with the lower profile festivals, is to get the organizers and filmmakers as much publicity as possible, especially when they do a great job.

And then you have the folks at the Los Angeles Film Festival. FT's history with the LAFF isn't great; they hassle our guys every year about credentials and are to date the only event of its kind that's bitched to Chris Gore about not making his list of Top 10 Film Festivals. It's perhaps fitting that a fest situated in the most narcissistic city on the planet would be a pain in the ass, but recent action apparently topped even the organizers' past behavior, eliciting this screed from Mark:

Because of an out-dated staff listing on our site, written a month after Zack joined Film Threat almost a year ago, she was denying him the press pass. Despite my explanation that he wasn't an intern, that the listing was out-dated (and has since been fixed) and that he was a writer who had covered festivals and press screenings like a champ for us, [Chandan Kaur, head of publicity for LAFF] wouldn't budge. Said it wouldn't look good to all the publicists or other press outlets she denied if they checked up on Zack and saw he was an intern (he's not) when she had turned away their "real" writers.

Here's where I call bullshit. If Zack had never written a word for our site, and she pulled this rationale, you get no argument from me. Had it not been the Editor-in-Chief of Film Threat talking to her about who he had chosen to cover the festival, you'd get no argument from me. Had the SUNDANCE FILM FESTIVAL (huh, heard of that, it's kind of a big deal) not given Zack a press credential, you'd get no argument from me. The reality is that, publicist-wise, more people in Los Angeles know Zack's name from press screenings as a Film Threat writer then they ever knew of him as an intern. Press-wise? Listen, I'll put Film Threat's 22 years of covering independent film and filmmakers against anyone that wants to complain about us getting a pass, and if that other outlet has done more than we have, well, Hell, give them whatever they want. I'll campaign for them too, brothers-in-arms, because we all know this limited pass nonsense for established outlets is a joke. It's not like every press pass holder from every outlet attends every movie at the same time. If you think the press will outnumber the paying festival-goers, hold press screenings like Sundance, keep us separate.

Unfortunately, for whatever reason, there was just no way in Hell Chandan was going to let Zack have a pass. So I had a decision to make. Without Zack covering as planned, the coverage wouldn't be as complete, period. On top of that, why is every year such a ridiculous hassle with this festival!?! Is it worth it for us to jump through hoops just so they can act like we didn't cover them when next year comes around? And what about next year, are they going to tell me after I fill out all the paperwork that I can have a pass, but not for anyone I assigned to the festival? WHAT IS THE POINT!?!

Screw it, I'd rather not cover the 2007 Los Angeles Film Festival at all then bow down to some silly "yes-no" flip-flop bullshit decision in the press office. If we're so dispensable, then they can go without our coverage. Any non-profit corporation that can afford to pay their executive director Dawn Hudson $265,000 a year is obviously too big to care about the independent voice in film criticism anyway. Think about it, if they're so concerned about independent film and the independent filmmaker as they claim to be, we'd be hearing a lot more about the other films playing the festival as opposed to "The Transformers" premiere (which is taking up 4 theaters and denying some film a screening time). Los Angeles Film Festival, Congrats! You've truly gone LA!

Read it all. They never squander an opportunity to bust out that flattering picture of me that's in there.

Any filmmakers with stuff appearing at the festival who want a review can send screeners to us and one of our writers will check them out. An inelegant solution, but probably the only one for the foreseeable future, as I suspect you won't be seeing FT covering the LAFF anytime soon.

UPDATE: That was quick.

Apparently Mark talked with festival director Rich Raddon and Zack has gotten his credentials. FT won't be giving the fest itself any coverage, but this way at least the filmmakers with entries showing will get some press.

"The toppings contain potassium benzoate."

Addressing a dilemma the only way I know how, Simpsons-style:

House of Evil Owner: One of your favorite bands, the Drive-By Truckers, is on tour this summer, but they're not coming to Houston.
Pete: Oooh, that's bad.
House of Evil Owner: But they are playing something called the Lone Star Fandango in Dallas.
Pete: That's good!
House of Evil Owner: It's outdoors on July 15. High summer in Texas.
Pete: That's bad.
House of Evil Owner: But they're sharing a bill with the Drams and the Old 97's.
Pete: That's good!
House of Evil Owner: Tickets for reserved seating are $75.
Pete: ...
House of Evil Owner: That's bad.
Pete: I could stay with my sister in Ft. Worth...

ZZ Top and David Allan Coe are the headliners, but I have no interest in seeing either of them, since I'm pretty sure staying until the end requires the wearing of some sort of Confederate flag attire, and I have a tendency to break out if I wear anything bought at a Stuckey's.

So, should I even attempt to check this out?

My goodness

   My Guinness:

Diageo Plc said today it was reviewing brewing operations in Ireland after media reported the drinks giant may quit the Dublin city centre site where Guinness has been brewed for almost 250 years.

"The Diageo brewing business is considering a number of important investment decisions on upgrading and renewing its brewing facilities in Ireland in the coming years," the company said in a statement.

The review was at a "very early stage" and a report in the Sunday Independent newspaper that the company was preparing to move from its landmark St James's Gate site on the banks of Dublin's River Liffey was "speculation", Diageo added.

"No decisions have been made or will be made until the assessment is completed," the world's largest alcoholic drinks company said.

The site, where Arthur Guinness took out a 9,000 year lease on a disused brewery in 1759, has grown into what the brewer now describes as "a prime 64 acre (25 hectare) slice of Dublin".

The Sunday Independent reported the land could fetch as much as €3 billion if Diageo implements plans to move production to a greenfield site on the outskirts of the capital.
[...]
Guinness is brewed at almost 50 sites around the world but some 500 million litres of the stout are still produced at St James's Gate, which also houses a visitor centre, shop, bars and restaurants.

Original terms of the lease were £45 per year, which - multiplied by 9,000 - amounts to...a lot of money.

When we visited Dublin, the Guinness tour was obviously high on our list. It was okay, but nowhere near as incapacitating as the tour of the Jameson distillery (I'm used to the old school Anheuser-Busch tours where you pretty much drank for free at tour's end). And while it'd be a shame to move something so readily identifiable with Ireland and the city of Dublin out to the sticks, €3 billion is nothing to sneeze at.

One assumes Guinness won't change the brewing process, at least. Other sites that produce Extra Stout blend unfermented wort extract with locally brewed beer, and the results are frankly less than ideal. I always attribute it to the "fresh squeezed" aspect of drinking it in Ireland, but Guinness honestly tastes different when it's served everywhere but the Emerald Isle. It's passable in the States, but drinking a fresh pint in the Brazen Head while scarfing fish and chips from Leo Burdock is as close as I've come in the last 20 years to believing in a benevolent god.

In related news, Houston's Saint Arnold Brewery is looking at moving closer to downtown Houston (via Chuck):

Founder Brock Wagner said he's scouting inner-city real estate to relocate his brewery, which also happens to be outgrowing its 32,000 square feet of space at 2522 Fairway Park, near the intersection of U.S. 290 and West 34th.

"We're looking all over town, but my first goal would be to get something as close in to the center of town as possible," Wagner said.

Not too close, though.

"Manufacturing can't afford prime downtown real estate or even just off prime downtown real estate," he said. "I'd like to be within five minutes to downtown."

The 13-year-old brew house, which hosts public tours and an average of 15 special events each month, needs a building of at least 50,000 square feet or 3 to 5 acres of land.

I don't live that much closer to downtown than 290 and 34th, but I've already discussed it with two of my neighbors, and we'd be more than willing to put our lots together and let them build on them, provided we were given modest accommodations and a tap running directly from the main Amber tanks.

Drags of our fathers

Because we're in the waning hours of Father's Day, and because it's simply too depressing for me to think about the fact that my own father recently received his black belt while I haven't thrown a punch in anger since the '90s, I'm going to bitch about the fact that the newest song of my youth being subverted for marketing purposes is "Sunny Side of the Street" by the Pogues.

It's hardly the first song from my impressionable salad days that's been appropriated in order to convince us to buy things. I can still remember the days of actual indignation when Orange Crush used "Good Vibrations" by the Beach Boys back in the early '80s, Nike set their shoe commercials to "Revolution 1," or when Eric Clapton and Genesis essentially wrote songs specifically to sell Michelob a few years later, but the interval between a song's release and when it pops up in a TV ad is pretty infinitesimal these days, so nobody really notices. Until it's something near and dear to them.

Which is what happened last night. I recognized the tune almost before the picture started, and when I realized my beloved Pogues were shilling for Cadillac (in an Escalade commercial, of all things), I just had to clutch my head in my hands. Very few of these things affect me anymore, but...fuck, I love the Pogues. I mean, using "Fairytale of New York" as the background music for Dominic returning to Ireland in season 2 of The Real World was kind of bad, but at least it was fucking Ireland. Escalades? Shit.

What's worse is, I suspect the guy who pitched this campaign is someone like me: he probably digs the Pogues and listened to their music a lot while getting loaded in college and exaggerating his Irish heritage to the foreign exchange students in his marketing program. Hell, he might even have thought he was doing something cool by proposing it as the song for their new ad campaign. So he got whoever the surviving members of the band with legal say-so are to agree to it, it doesn't change the fact that this person missed the fucking point entirely.

In the grand scheme of things, this is all pretty insignificant, but it annoyed me, so I guess that's good enough for a blog. Stay tuned for my next meltdown, which will probably take place shortly after Coca-Cola uses "Bastards of Young" to sell Diet Coke "Plus" during the World Series.

EDIT: Karin beats me to it.

In the words of Red Leader...

"Almost there:"

Gov. Rick Perry made his final rulings Friday on legislation approved by Texas lawmakers, vetoing 49 bills that came out of the five-month session.

The Republican governor had until Sunday to decide whether to sign or veto bills, but he planned to get it all done before the weekend.

On Friday, Perry announced he'd signed the 2008-09 state budget into law, allocating $151.9 billion for state programs. He used his line-item veto power to get rid of $570 million from the budget that lawmakers passed.

Vetoing bills from Democrats and Republicans alike, Perry used his veto pen on some legislation before the 140-day session ended May 28 and announced Friday he was striking down dozens of other bills.

The complete list of vetoes is here, and HB 1919 ain't on it. Now, Perry still has until Sunday to change that, but if the Chronicle is right about his wanting to finish up today, this is very good news.

As always, however, I'll withhold final judgment until Monday.

UPDATE: As "peony" indicated in the comments, HB 1919 has been signed (this report wasn't up when I hit the sack earlier this morning).

I may have jumped the gun popping the champagne earlier, but now it looks like we really made it. Thanks once again to everyone who spoke up to their representatives and Governor Perry, wrote an e-mail or letter, or - assuming you're not a resident - bugged someone living here or just sent good thoughts. I'm not going to get all Lenny on you and declare "the system works," but at least in this case, it came through pretty handily. Might be time for a drink.

Or coffee anyway, it is 6:45 in the morning, after all.

The APCB equivalent of a clip show

While we're all waiting with bated breath to see if Perry signs or vetoes HB 1919, here are some conversational topics to help us bide the time.

+ I missed this when it was announced, but June 13 was apparently Blog Like It's the End of the World day, where participants blog about a fictional zombie apocalypse. It's an interesting twist on a tired concept. I mean, I love zombies more than most folks, but - just by way of example - four of the seven entries in the Horror Shorts program at deadCENTER were zombie-themed. I think people have had enough brains for a while.

+ Speaking of deadCENTER, my recap should be going up on Film Threat tomorrow. I'll run a companion piece here with bigger photos. Here's a sample:

Nothing says haute cuisine like Toby Keith. I was tempted to enter, but a little voice inside my head - faint in aspect, like a little child - said, "If you go into that place, the motor cortex of your brain and I will loosen your sphincter while you sleep. And we've got the basal ganglia on our side."

UPDATE: The story's up. Check it out.

+ Nope...still don't give a shit about Paris Hilton.

+ Even before deadCENTER started, CineVegas was going on. FT is covering the fest, as always. Don was there last week, while Mark is inexplicably staying for whole shebang. CineVegas runs June 6-16, which is about eight days longer than any sane mortal should reasonably be expected to endure Vegas, I wish him luck. And a new liver and lungs.

+ Cavs in seven. Just kidding.

+ This last weekend I learned of a great thing: there will be an Okie Noodling sequel.

Day of the deadCENTER

Howdy all, I'm in Oklahoma City this weekend covering the deadCENTER Film Festival. There probably won't be any posts here for a couple of days, unless I mirror the ones I'm putting up at Film Threat. My reviews from the fest will also be posted there.

Later skaters.

HB 1919 - I knew it

Son of a bitch.

Okay, when I wrote yesterday's entry, I missed this story in the Chronicle (thanks to Chuck for the link). Turns out the rumors about the TAB pressuring Perry for a veto weren't rumors after all:

Parents of children with autism cheered when Texas lawmakers revived a dead bill they say will give families hope, save some from bankruptcy and reduce long-term costs for taxpayers.

But the Texas Association of Business wants Gov. Rick Perry to veto House Bill 1919 because of an amendment that changes the definition of autism from a mental illness to a neurobiological illness and requires insurance companies to cover treatment for 3- to 5-year-olds with the disease.

The autism-insurance measure passed the Senate but languished in the House until lawmakers approved it as an amendment to insurance-related legislation just hours before the legislative session ended May 28.
[...]
Perry spokesman Robert Black said the governor and his staff have not decided whether to veto the bill.

"It's not about autism. It's not about brain injuries. It's not about cervical cancer," said the TAB's Shelton Green. "We want to avoid placing mandates on employers, on their health-benefit policies."

Such requirements increase costs for employers who already struggle with annual insurance-premium increases, he said.

"We want to leave the discretion up to the employers and let them decide what health plans (to provide) and not the state," he said.

I can't believe Green said that with a straight face. If such things were "left to the discretion of employers," the only thing mandated for insurance coverage would be care for heart disease and prostate cancer. Oh, and maternity leave wouldn't be paid, I could still slap my administrative assistant on the ass, and the only black co-workers I'd have would be ones washing the dishes in the cafeteria.

The reason the bill changed the definition to "neurobiological illness" is because that's what recent research is saying. More and more studies are coming out about showing evidence of damage to the autistic person's limbic system and cerebellum, and of neurochemical dysfunctions. It's also because insurance companies tend to offer nothing but the bare minimum of coverage to so-called "mental illnesses." Sorry, but 12 speech therapy appointments a year isn't going to cover it.

1 in 150: that's the current estimated rate of occurrence of autism in the U.S. The Shelton Greens and Larry Taylors of this state need to wake the hell up and realize insurance coverage for kids 3-5 is a pittance compared to what this state and others will be spending decades down the road. When Green is long gone and the autistic children of today have become adults that require full-time care because their parents couldn't afford therapy, send his estate the tab.

Or better yet, please call ((800) 252-9600) or e-mail Governor Perry and ask him to sign HB 1919. And please pass the word, it means so much to so many families.

UPDATE: Big surprise, before Shelton Green was the TAB's Governmental Affairs Manager, he was Chief of Staff to...you guessed it...Representative Larry Taylor. I'm sure the industry's bagman on the Insurance Committee is proud his protege is taking up the fight.

HB 1919 - The fat lady has yet to sing

Just an update, HB 1919 was sent to Governor Perry last week (May 30) for his signature. As of right now, he has yet to do so.

Word on the street (i.e. rumors I read somewhere on the internet) is that the Texas Association of Business is leaning heavy on Perry to veto the bill. Perry originally said he'd sign it (the Fox 26 story I saw mentioned it as well), but I've come too far through this to be satisfied until pen is put to paper or it gets filed without his signature, which - since it was sent within 10 days of the Legislature's adjournment - won't happen until the 18th.

Good thing I'm a patient man.

In the meantime, I'll be monitoring Perry's actions on the 80th's bills and biting what remains of my nails. I hate to write another hat-in-hand blog entry, but if any of y'all wanted to call the "Citizen's Opinion" hotline to politely ask him to sign the bill, the number's (800) 252-9600. Or you could e-mail the Gov here. Thanks.

And keep your fingers crossed.

"Sometimes Maude - God bless her - she underlines passages in my Bible because she can't find hers."
"Oh, lucky they don't keep guns in the house."

Hold the phone, you're saying marriage isn't always bliss?

The key to a happy relationship could be accepting that some miserable times are unavoidable, experts say.

Therapists from California State University and Virginia Tech University say accepting these problems is better than striving for perfection.

And they blame cultural fairytales and modern love stories for perpetuating the myth that enjoying a perfect relationship is possible.
[...]
The authors, Dr Diane Gehart and Dr Eric McCollum say it is a "myth that, with enough effort we can achieve a state without suffering."

And they say healthcare professionals may not be helping the situation.
"The field of mental health perpetuates this myth with the very concept of "mental health," which implies a state without suffering," they say.

But this belief can eventually cause people to believe that with enough effort they can eliminate suffering.

And experts say this is an unrealistic aim in relationships, and striving to achieve it can lead people to feel they have failed.

First, while he may be a bit Richard Lewis-y for my tastes, I think comedian Marc Maron has an excellent perspective on this fallacy that we as human beings deserve to be happy all the time:

As far as depression goes...folks, I gotta be honest with you: If somebody comes up to you and says, "I think you might be clinically depressed," You should probably say, "Well thank you. That means I'm awake. Is there any indication that I shouldn't be depressed? Are you living on the same planet that I am? Did you every think that depression might be the reasonable human response to the crap we're going through as a species, meant to propel us into the next evolutionary step? Did you ever think that's it? Did you ever think that maybe it's the people who are happy all the time that are really screwed up in the head."

Maybe it's those people, the people who are like, 'God, I don't understand it, I feel great...again!' Really? Well that's creepy and weird. Maybe you should be on medication. Clearly you're self-centered, delusional, and narcissistic.
[...]
In a lot of cases the only difference between depression and disappointment is your level of commitment.

Hyperbole? To an extent, perhaps, but I agree with him that happiness is far from a steady state. I'm usually in a relatively good mood, but that stems more from an awareness and acceptance that certain horrible realities are beyond my control, and that if I can make things better for my little circle of family and friends, hopefully that can do something to improve the greater good.

Second - and back to the article - The Wife and I have what I think is a very strong marriage. If I didn't think that before, the events of the last 18 months certainly made the case. But even before that, we always knew there were going to be rough patches and fights. But kind of like my feelings on overall happiness, the difficult times shouldn't be the norm.

Since I was young, I've heard the adage that "good relationships are hard work." Well, I think that's horseshit. I'm not saying you'll never have to put effort into your marriage, but simply that it shouldn't be the defining characteristic. If anything your relationship should be a haven, a refuge from all real world crap you deal with every day, and going home to my wife is something I actually look forward to. If spending time with your significant other is something you dread or view as a chore, you might not be in the best situation to begin with.

But that's just, like, my opinion man.