A Perfectly Cromulent Blog

All I need is a Miracle

ESPN has a contest up (on its wholly annoying web page) for the Greatest Highlight of all time. The bracket is down to two: Boise State''s Statue of Liberty play that beat Oklahoma in the 2007 Fiesta Bowl, versus Mike Eruzione's go-ahead goal in the 1980 Miracle on Ice.

Yeah. Long-time...hell, occasional readers of APCB know how I feel about the U.S.A.'s victory over the Soviets. Even taking that out of consideration, equating the Broncos beating a team that's gone 1-4 in BCS bowl games since their national championship with a bunch of college kids defeating arguably the greatest hockey powerhouse the world has ever known, well, that's just plain nutty.

Eruzione's goal may never be beaten. And if it is, it'd have to be an event that's never happened before, with the likelihood of a repeat so astronomically improbable as to be laughable.

You know, like Texas A&M winning a national championship.

The Miracle on Ice recently marked its 28th anniversary. Anybody going to be similarly commemorating Boise State's win in 2035?

There goes what's left of my faith in print journalism

But seriously, does anyone really listen to the Black Crowes anymore?

The Black Crowes are lashing out at Maxim magazine for reviewing the band's new album - apparently without actually hearing it first.

The review, published in Maxim's March issue, gives the Crowes' "Warpaint" a rating of two-and-a-half stars out of five.

"The writer - who has not heard the album since advance CDs were not made available - wrote what appears to be a disparaging assessment anyway, citing, `it hasn't left Chris Robinson and the gang much room for growth,'" said a statement on the band's official Web site.

The band's manager, Pete Angelus, said the magazine explained that its review was an "educated guess."
[,,,]
A representative for the magazine would not confirm or deny to The Associated Press whether the writer actually listened to the album. Instead, Maxim released this statement in response: "Maxim will continue to provide our readers with information that is important to them, whether it is about fashion, lifestyle, technology, music, movies and more."

Shocked, shocked I am that an august publication such as Maxim, the magazine that until recently employed Quote Whore Extraordinnaire Pete Hammond as their film critic, would fabricate reviews in this fashion. I fully expect Peisner to resign in shame at being caught out like this. You know, just like Mitch Albom did.

Anyway, I actually applied for Hammond's gig when he left the magazine. And by "applied" I mean I sent an e-mail to their contact address to throw my hat in the ring, pointing out that - since my name is also "Pete" - hiring me would lessen reader confusion at the transfer.

Still haven't heard back.

UPDATE:The magazine is now all apologies:

Maxim magazine has apologized for publishing a negative review of the Black Crowes' new album by a writer who hadn't listened to the whole CD.
[...]
Maxim editorial director James Kaminsky responded Tuesday with this statement: "It is Maxim's editorial policy to assign star ratings only to those albums that have been heard in their entirety. Unfortunately, that policy was not followed in the March 2008 issue of our magazine, and we apologize to our readers."

Maxim has "readers?"

And the winner is...

"Lenny," about whom I know...absolutely nothing, but who picked 18 out of 24 categories correct, eliminating the need for going to the tiebreaker (the next closest contestant had 14).

Lenny will have his pick of the Battle of the Planets - The Legacy Collection or the Alien Quadrilogy. "Congratulations," if that's what you want to call it.

Tonight the part of Hello Nurse will be played by Kristin Chenoweth

I mean, seriously people.

6:06 - But Kelly Preston ain't too shabby.

More Oscar-related bullshit ruminations after the jump.

6:11 - Wow, you can tell Daniel Day-Lewis loves the spotlight.

6:18 - BUSEY! Sitting through Seacrest's bullshit is suddenly worthwhile.

6:23 - I'd have paid...a hundred dollars for Miley Cyrus to answer "What are you wearing?" With "GrrrAnimals." And no Billy Ray in sight. I guess a state fair comeback tour takes a lot of planning.

6:32 - Few things are as indicative of how skewed our priorities are as a nation when coverage cuts away from Helen Mirren so we can see what fucking Cameron Diaz is wearing.

Then again, here I am live blogging the goddamn Oscars, so there it is.

Okay, cutting away to watch Harrison Ford on Barbara Walters now...

6:59 - That was quick. Now we go from Seacrest to Philbin, who is sporting a shade of orange I've not seen before.

7:07 - Laura Linney is on The List. You know which one I mean.

7:15 - Jesus, Diaz again. Is nobody else there? Hasn't Bjork shown up yet?

7:27 - I love Jack: "How's the Reege tonight?" Especially after the latter introduced the Best Supporting Actor nominee from No Country for Old Men as "Xavier" Bardem.

7:32 - Wow. Worst intro ever. That was like an Regal Cinemas mural brought to life.

7:38 - Stewart's line about Norbit wins the Oscars. Good night.

7:41 - Sorry, the "black/woman president" line was pretty good too.

7:43 - Had I submitted an entry. I'd have picked Elizabeth for Best Costume too. Honest.

7:56 - Please not Norbit, please not Norbit...

7:57 - Whew.

8:04 - For those keeping score, eight people have the first three picks right.

8:07 - "Can you spell what Dwayne Johnson is cooking?" just doesn't sound the same.

8:18 - Least surprising win of the night #1 goers to Bardem. He's a good choice, but it's too bad Affleck didn't get more notice. Though Barden's mom wins the bling contest.

8:28 - Owen Wilson? Is Least Successful Suicide Attempt a category now?

8:31 - Seinfeld doesn't deign to show up after an embarrassing promo tour for Bee Movie, but does his "hilarious" bee montage. Great.

8:39 - Wow. Swinton has to win Most Surprising of the Night right now. And, as The Wife noted, "she's wearing a Hefty bag."

8:47 - Brolin and McAvoy present Best Adapted (No Country wins). The Wife tells me McAvoy is on her List, which makes no sense. I understand he reflects her love of pale, blue-eyed, dark-haired men, but if the two of them were to breed, the kids would be translucent.

9:06 - Now they can call it the "Academy Award winning Bourne Ultimatum." Happily, as Eric put it, they can't say the same for Norbit.

9:14 - True story, if I'd been picking the Oughta Wins vs. the Probably Will Wins, Cotillard would've been on the former list. I'm very surprised she beat Christie.
Also on that list would be Tommy Lee Jones over Daniel Day-Lewis, and Julian Schnabel over the Coens.

9:23 - "Falling Slowly" better win. It's better than any of that Enchanted crap, or that August Rush song that could've come from U2's "Rattle and Hum."

9:51 - As happy as I am that "Falling Slowly" won Best Song, I'm equally ecstatic that Marketa Irglova changed dresses. Still, it was shitty not to let her make her speech.

9:57 - Well damn, class move on Stewart...or whoever made the call to let Irglova speak.

9:58 - No, Cameron Diaz still looks like crap. And she's too drunk to pronounce "Cinematography."

10:01 - Does Hillary Swank's career merit a mention in this year's In Memoriam segment?

10:14 - Well shit, if I'd actually known what Freeheld was about, I probably would've voted for it.

10:26 - Diablo Cody's sincere and heartfelt acceptance speech was almost enough to make me forget what an overrated piece of crap Juno was.

10:35 - I'm sorry, but as deserving as Daniel Day-Lewis is, I can't stop ogling Helen Mirren.

10:55 - As I suspected some time ago, No Country pretty much ran the table,

Up the irons

Just when I started to think my Heavy Metal Wife Joni had forsake me for someone younger and with more appropriately feathered hair, she sends an e-mail informing me Iron Maiden will be bringing their Somewhere Back in Time World Tour to Houston on May 22:

This tour revisits the band's history by focusing almost entirely on their classic 80's period in both choice of songs played and the stage set, which is based around the legendary Egyptian Production of that 'Powerslave Tour' as portrayed on the Live After Death DVD. This will arguably be the most elaborate and spectacular show the band have ever presented. Furthermore the band intends to bring along for this summer leg of the tour the colossal mummy of Eddie, as featured on the Live After Death DVD, along with various other elements of the show that would not fit on their 757 on the first leg of this tour...

Up for a road trip, Tim?

And before anyone asks, I will not "bring my daughter to the slaughter." I did, however, serenade her this afternoon with a medley consisting of - among others - "The Trooper," "Flight of Icarus," "Fear of the Dark," and "Wasted Years." To The Wife's growing annoyance.

"The winner will be showered with praise; the loser will be taunted and booed until my throat is sore!"

I've got about 20 submissions so far for the Oscar Picks contest, and anticipate plenty more in the next couple days.

Having perused the current entries, let me just say I like my chances. Keep 'em coming, suckas.

Although I hope some of you are wrong about the length of the telecast. 4 1/2 hours? Ye gods.

In unrelated news, my spoiler-laden review of Vantage Point is up. Enjoy.

Oscar picks. I has them.

This announcement is going out to a bunch of different places, so hopefully everyone interested will have a shot at getting their ass handed to them some good clean fun.

The Academy Awards are this Sunday. In the past The Wife and I have hosted a party for the occasion, replete with food, booze, and a picks contest. The party ain't happening this year, but I still want to have a competition. So I'm asking that everyone interested fill out the form below no later than 5 PM CST, on Sunday, Feb. 24. I'll keep track of the results (your answers will get e-mailed to me), and the winner will get...something.

Will Ruby Dee win Best Supporting Actress for only 3 minutes of screen time? Will Academy voters come to their senses and not give Juno the Best Original Screenplay award? More importantly, can anyone stop HWRNMNBSOL? Fill out all the fields below, click "Submit," and find out. The form worked the two times I tested it, but let me know if you have any problems (it'll take you back to the main APCB page when you're done).

I'll give you something to cry about

We covered this a while ago on APCB, where I (and many others) dredged up those poignant and - occasionally - confounding choices for the movies that made them cry. I stand by my original choices (yes, even Wrath of Khan).

The slowcoaches at eHarmony are finally joining in the fun. However, they take a different, daring tack, offering instead a list of movies that make men - and only men - cry. Whatever. I predict lots of sports:

1. Brian's Song (1971) - And I was right. Any movie with athletes or soldiers dying is automatically exempt from the usual male embargo on movie-related weeping, because the only time one man is allowed to express honest affection for another is when he's bleeding out from belly full of shrapnel or dying of brain cancer.

2. Rudy (1993) - What was the slugline for this? "Diminutive pain-in-the-ass annoys coaches and alienates family until his empty life is given meaning by the throwaway act of letting him line up in a uncontested football game?" I think the only reason anyone would cry at this is if an otherwise sympathetic character was forced to play for the Irish.

3. Saving Private Ryan (1998) - Yes, it was pretty sad when heartless invading Americans brutally shot those noble German soldiers down like dogs. Oh, you were talking about the scene when Tom Hanks' character dies? Sins of the past, Tom. Sins of the past.

4. One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (1975) - Nurse Ratched: "Son, we live in an asylum that has walls, and those walls have to be guarded by nurses with starched, pointy brassieres. Whose gonna do it? You? You, Billy Bibbit? I have a greater responsibility than you could possibly fathom. You weep for McMurphy, and you curse my nurses. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know. That McMurphy's death, while tragic, probably saved Martini. And my existence, while grotesque and oddly arousing to you, saves lives. You don't want the truth because deep down in places you don't talk about at screenwriter conventions, you want me in that ward, you need me in that ward."

5. The Natural (1984) - This comes in at #5 and Field of Dreams doesn't even crack the top 20? Don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those weepy middle-aged types who *sob* never got to "have a catch" with his old man (and I was always a better fielder than hitter), but The Natural is almost too whimsical to take seriously, much less get all teary-eyed over.

6. The Shawshank Redemption (1994) - I know of only one man who cries during this movie, and they're the tears of rage that only an engineer watching a guy break a steel pipe with a rock could produce.

7. Schindler's List (1993) - Uh, next.

8. Old Yeller (1957) - If you scheduled a double-feature of this with Where the Red Fern Grows in a medium-sized hydroelectric plant, you could power the city of Spokane for a month.

9. The Pride of the Yankees (1942) - I feel comfortable speaking for my white, American male brethren when I say that baseball movies are our Achilles heel (or Tommy John elbow, if you prefer). In fact, rather than populating a list with questionable choices like Terms of Endearment(?) and The Pianist(??), why not just flesh out a top 10 with Eight Men Out, Field of Dreams, The Rookie, The Sandlot, The Life and Times of Hank Greenberg, Bang the Drum Slowly, Fear Strikes Out, and the "gotta see about a girl" scene from Good Will Hunting and be done with it?

10. Terms of Endearment (1983) - Those weren't tears on your date's shoulder, ladies, it was drool from the impromptu nap that resulted when you forced them to sit through this.

11. The Iron Giant (1999) - "Suuuperman!" Excuse me, I think I have something in my eye...

12. Philadelphia (1993) - While I agree that Philadelphia is a decent movie, if about as subtle as a Trent Cole sack, I respectfully submit that you're going to have a hard time finding a lot of dudes who will admit to crying while watching it. I suspect it's the whole opera thing.

13. Big Fish (2003) - For a movie to make a Top 20 list, I think it should be a prerequisite that more than 20 people have actually seen it.

14. Million Dollar Baby (2004) - Tragic? Sure, I guess, but that's what you get when your female protagonist doesn't stick to girls' sports such as hot oil wrestling, foxy boxing, and such and such.

15. Life is Beautiful (1997) - If you're the type of person who cries at seeing Benigni mug his way through this shallow and laughable (but not in a good way) exercise in cheap sentimentality, then I agree with its inclusion. Otherwise the only "Top 20" list this belongs on is "Movies that Made Me Want to Blow My Head Off."

16. Love Actually (2003) - What, no Steel Magnolias? Who the hell wrote this list?

17. Rocky (1976) - No, the correct answer is Rocky IV and the tragic, senseless death of the great Apollo Creed. Why didn't you throw in the towel, Rock? Because he wouldn't let you!

18. The Pianist (2002) - The makers of this list give us too much credit. It doesn't take tales of human triumph in a time of genocide to make guys tear up; just shoot a dog. Me, I got more choked up when Max's pooch got plugged in The Road Warrior than I did at any point in The Pianist. There, I said it.

19. Mystic River (2003) - Great movie, but I don't remember crying at any point, Rather, it prepared me for further Lehane mind-fuckery a la Gone Baby Gone.

20. To Kill a Mockingbird (1962) - How is this sad? Scout and Jem are saved from Bob Ewell by Boo Radley, and Atticus successfully defended Tom Robins...oh, right.

"What's your problem, Kazanski?"

I have a separate e-mail account, linked to my name on the Film Threat boards, designed to catch queries/abuse regarding my work over there. Feedback comes in many forms; constructive, pejorative, and on occasion, illuminating. To wit, this message from "Xyborg Samurai:"

Given that America and Iran look set to duel with each other for dominance of the Middle East over the next 15 years or so ~ and with the emergence of the Persian Gulf as the main theatre in which American naval aviators will conduct the bulk of their future peacetime and combat missions ~ wouldn't it be ace if an older and wiser Tom 'Maverick' Cruise and Val 'Ice Man' Kilmer took to the skies in a Top Gun sequel, only this time riding F/A-18 Super Hornets out of the USS Ronald Reagan and going up against the kamikazes of the Iranian Revolutionary Guard Corps (the only aviators left who still fly "Maverick & Goose" F-14 Tomcats left over from the Shah era)?

And after getting shot down in the Strait of Hormuz and taken captive by the IRGC, Maverick and Ice find themselves in an Iran totally unlike the fanatical Islamist state of FOX news propaganda and are eventually freed through "dialogue-among-civilizations" diplomacy after having embarked on a journey of American-Iranian rediscovery that could make this film one of the schmaltziest yet ground-breaking pieces of inter-cultural rapprochement between two mortal adversaries who desperately need to extricate themselves from what could end up being a world-ending thermonuclear dance of death?

I just. Wow. It's...ambitious, but I can't say it sounds like much of an action movie. If I didn't know better, I'd think Erik Blevins had finally gotten his GED.

Sunday Morning Political Post

Margaret Carlson made a comment on Meet the Press this morning about Hillary Clinton's image as a "scolding parent." I'd originally imagined writing an entire dialogue post with Clinton as Mom and the American voting public as the lovestruck teen tearfully exclaiming "But I love him!" before storming off to climb into Obama's T-Bird, but that there is pretty much the whole joke.

Anecdotally, because ten years removed from grad school I'm still violently allergic to actual research, I don't know any Democrats who support Clinton over Obama. Oh sure, they'd vote for her in the general election, but coupled with the fatalistic realization that anti-Hillary sentiment - irrational as it is - would probably be enough to give McCain the presidency.

Her cause isn't helped by seeing her supporters try to mealy-mouth their way out of adhering to the DNC agreement about the Michigan and Florida primaries, either.

People are excited about Obama, right or wrong. And let's not kid ourselves; Obama doesn't mark some great departure from moderate Democratic principles. He's a great speaker and all, but he's hardly Ron Paul to Clinton's Mike Huckabee. Unless Clinton does something to shake up the current state of affairs, and runs the table of remaining primaries, Obama's the nominee.

And with the exception of a few of the smaller primaries, I don't see anyone running anything. Ohio, Texas, and Pennsylvania are all too close to call (I think Obama wins OH and PA, Clinton TX, but neither by more than 4-5%). The real question, and what the Republicans are desperately hoping for (aside from a Clinton nomination, that is) is whether or not this can be decided before the convention.

"You're a...teacher?"

You've probably heard and/or seen it by now, but just in case you haven't, here's the trailer for Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull:

The music! The door-slam haymakers! The whip! Karen Allen! "Part time!" The warehouse (Roswell?)! Shia LaBoeuf!

Okay, forget that last one.

Fine, so I lied. I may not be reading any behind-the-scenes crap, but I've watched this five times already, and you couldn't jackhammer the smile off my face. Given the generally less impressive nature of the sequels (Last Crusade is a merely adequate remake of Raiders, and Temple of Doom can jam it crossways), I know I shouldn't have my hopes up for this, but...I'm an idiot. For all my posturing as a cinema crank, I can't deny the goosebumps I got when the theme kicked in. I may well be setting myself up for disappointment - again - but I'll take that risk. Raiders of the Lost Ark is probably my favorite movie of all time, meaning I'm affording it a little, okay, a lot more leeway.

And from the look of those jungle scenes, I sure hope Indy learned to speak Hovitos.

"No one will want to kiss me after these, eh Smithers?"

The Vonder Haar house is in a more or less constant state of disarray. During the most recent attempt by The Wife (who knows my long standing fear of toothy monstrosities) and me to vanquish the filth goblins in our kitchen, I noticed something amiss.

Me: What is this doing here?
The Wife: What? Where?
Me: On the windowsill. There's a bulb of garlic on it
TW: [not missing a beat] It's to keep the vampires from getting in.
Me: That's...a fucking great idea. Why didn't I think of that?
TW: Just looking out for...where are you going?
Me: To the store. We need 15 more for the rest of the windows.

So now the house smells like Fuzzy's Pizza. She's still balking at melting down the silverware for anti-werewolf shotgun shells, however.

O-mentum

Tonight's events have made next month's Texas primary quite the hum-dinga:

Sen. Barack Obama easily won Democratic primaries in Virginia, Maryland and Washington, D.C., on Tuesday in a determined drive to erase Hillary Rodham Clinton's delegate lead.

Republican front-runner John McCain also won in Virginia, Maryland and D.C., adding to his insurmountable lead in delegates for the GOP nomination.

Obama's triumphs made it eight straight over Clinton, the former first lady, now struggling in a race she once commanded.

His Virginia victory left him a scant 10 delegates short of his rival, with 132 left to allocate for the night.
[...]
Clinton hopes to respond with victories in Texas and Ohio on March 4, states where both candidates have already begun television advertising.

Among other things...

"Ma'am."

Meanwhile, McCain looks to have the Republican nomination sewn up. Huckabee's sticking it out however. Does he perhaps have an ace in the hole?

Huckabee rejected claims that he has little chance of becoming the GOP's candidate because of McCain's significant lead in delegates. McCain leads Huckabee in delegates 709 to 163, by CBS News' count, with 1,191 needed for the nomination.

"I didn't major in math," Huckabee said the Conservative Political Action Conference meeting, according to the Associated Press. ``I majored in miracles, and I still believe in them.''

Not too lengthy a bibliography on that thesis, I'm guessing.

"I can do anything...I'm the chief of police."

I'm rather bummed by the news of Roy Scheider's demise (and I'd like to note that - as I wrote that - I pronounced the word "demise" like Quint talking about his third wife):

Roy Scheider, the jagged-nosed actor who brought complexity to tough-guy roles in such films as "The French Connection," "Jaws" and "All That Jazz," and was also known for political activism off the set, died Sunday afternoon at a hospital in Little Rock, Ark. He was believed to be 75, and had been battling a form of blood cancer for three years.

Scheider, who lived in Sag Harbor, N.Y., died at the University of Arkansas for Medical Sciences hospital, which specializes in the treatment of multiple myeloma, a form of cancer that affects blood cells. He died of complications from the disease, said Leslie Taylor, a university spokeswoman.
[...]
In a career spanning four decades, Scheider appeared in more than 60 films, as well as in numerous roles on stage and television. But his most acclaimed roles came in a span of eight years in the 1970s, beginning with "The French Connection" in 1971.

He probably will be best remembered for his role as Martin Brody, the water-shy police chief in "Jaws" (1975) who uttered the immortal line: "You're gonna need a bigger boat," after seeing the size of the shark. He once lamented that the role "will be on my tombstone."

His favorite role, he said, was playing choreographer Joe Gideon, a thinly disguised stand-in for Broadway choreographer Bob Fosse, in "All That Jazz" (1979) -- a role for which the former boxer had to learn to dance. "That will always be my favorite film," he told the San Jose Mercury News in 1999. "But I never worked harder in my life. I felt I had to prove myself to the dance company. I didn't want to misrepresent them. . . . I was in relatively good shape. But at the end of the day, I'd return to the Holiday Inn with my Tiger Balm."

I admit, my first exposure to Scheider - and a big reason why I loved the guy - was Jaws. Like Harrison Ford in Raiders, it's impossible to picture anyone else as Chief Brody, even when you realize that everyone from Charlton Heston to Robert Duvall was considered for the role.

But he had plenty of memorable parts, in addition to the aforementioned French Connection and All That Jazz, especially:

The Seven-Ups - Solid performance by Scheider is almost lost in '70s New York atmosphere. Sweet car chase, though.
Marathon Man - Scheider played Dustin Hoffman's secret agent brother, and I was always sort of disappointed nothing ever came of Goldman's 1986 sequel, Brothers.
Sorcerer - Freidkin was apparenly not too happy he had to settle for Scheider as the lead, who's second banana to the rain forest cinematography anyway. It's neither of their best work, and was a box office flop, but I'd still give it a look.
Jaws 2 - Give the man credit, he turns in a perfectly acceptable performance in what was perhaps the most inevitable sequel of all time. Scheider's "tombstone" comments are pretty hollow in the context of his coming back to the trough a second time, however.
Blue Thunder - Please spare me your aviation nitpicks, for it's clear the filmmakers never anticipated the heightened scrutiny that would come with the VHS and DVD era. "Catch you later," indeed.
2010 - I remember almost nothing about this movie. Was Helen Mirren naked in it? Because that would've been something.
52 Pick-Up - Rita Kempley of the Washington Post called this "Death Wish for yuppies," I prefer to think of it as a white blaxploitation movie, with Clarence Williams III thrown in for authenticity's sake.

They go downhill from there, really. Only true masochists should subject themselves to Listen to Me (Kirk Cameron's last movie that didn't have "left behind" in the title) or The Peacekeeper (Dolph Lundgren and Montel Williams: together at last). I even tried to get into SeaQuest: DSV, but often found myself falling asleep four hours earlier than intended on Sunday as a result.

RIP, Roy.

That'll make your Mola Ram

I know I vowed on these very pages some time ago that I was going to ignore (to the best of my ability) advance publicity for Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. I was doing pretty well, too, until I saw that Vanity Fair sitting in Mason's house. Specifically, this picture of Cate Blanchett as "Agent Spalko:"

I'm not sure why, but it...speaks to me. What the hell, here's one more:

Anyway, I'm also going to start posting links to reviews here again, since a disquieting number of you like to confess to me how you don't read them. Here's Fool's Gold.

"Science has faltered once again in the face of overwhelming religious evidence."

I love organized religion.

We lived in Salt Lake City, UT for six years when I was a kid. The Mormons who surrounded us were always very helpful in pointing out why my Roman Catholic soul was boned - in between intermittent ass-whippings. After we moved to Texas, I kept my burgeoning atheism (mostly) under wraps and learned to (mostly) keep my mouth shut for the rest of my public school tenure, only occasionally surfacing to further solidify my status as "undesirable" among the toothsome ladies of Young Life.

The act that did the most damage was, ironically, an act of pure nerdery and not outright blasphemy: at a 9th grade party, I ejected Duran Duran's Seven and the Ragged Tiger in favor of Rush: 2112. Caren, our mortified hostess, was certain that Geddy Lee was shrieking, "We are the priests/of the devil."* My protestations fell on deaf ears, and my reputation as a neo-heretic was cemented.

So you can imagine how thrilling the last eight years have been for me, with evolution under increasing fire in our schools, the rise in popularity of VeggieTales, and the new prospect of being blinded with creation "science:"

Are you searching for cutting-edge scientific justification for a Biblical account of Earth's origins?

Then search no longer: the first issue of the Answers Research Journal, the "professional, peer-reviewed technical journal for the publication of interdisciplinary scientific and other relevant research from the perspective of the recent Creation and the global Flood within a biblical framework," is now online!

In this case, I suspect "peer-reviewed" means some of the '9-11 Truth' folks came over to check their work.

Edited by Australian geologist Andrew Snelling and published by the founder of the Creation Museum, Answers is free, fully downloadable and reviewed by a "large network of well-qualified creationist researchers, scientists, and theologians who are the best thinkers in their fields of creationist research," assuring that it meets "the highest scientific and theological standard."

Is this what speaking in tongues sounds like? Because none of those terms make any sense. "Creationist research?" "Australian geologist?" Please.

Snelling has actually hit upon a reliable strategy: he simply cites other scientific articles that back up the non-bullshit components of his article, then refers back to his own work when he gets to the whole "divine nuclear decay" concept. Similar shenangians helped me get 'A's on most of my college research papers, but then, I wasn't trying to convince the world at large that Nag and Nagaina were actually sympathetic liminal characters in "Rikki Tikki Tavi: Kipling's Paean to Imperial Racism."

And they have excerpts, including:

Proceedings of the Microbe Forum, June 2007

The task of understanding and observing the microbial world is daunting when we consider that we have only documented around 5,000 bacterial species. In addition there is much yet to be learned about algae, fungi, macro-parasites, and the enigmatic "chimeric" lichens. Could there be other creatures composed entirely of microbes of which we are unaware? In addition, how do we classify microbes taxonomically from a creation perspective? Do they fit into conventional or baraminic taxonomical convention? How do we view them biblically? What day were they created?

Uh, 5,000?

I'd like to see a graphical representation of this. If traditional Linnaean diagrams represent a tree, I'm guessing the creation-based model is essentially "God" -----------> "everything." This probably makes studying for AP biology exams in Kansas a little easier.

* Of course, everyone who's anyone knows the line is actually, "We are the priests/of the Temple of Syrinx."

"Be careful, Speed."

The one bright spot about sitting through tonight's screening of Fool's Gold (think Sahara crossed with The Deep, only not as funny as the latter) was seeing the trailer for Speed Racer:

The animation's better than the cartoon, but that's not saying much, and I was never a big fan of the original.

It's written and directed by the Wachowski Bros., who atoned for the second two Matrix movies somewhat with V for Vendetta, though the jury's still out as far as I'm concerned. And I have to admit, this looks pretty hilarious. It'll be lots of "live action cartoon," which is more or less the Wachowski's whole modus operandi.

And without the 20-minute fight scenes.

Is Michael Strahan gonna have to choke a...

Oh, never mind. I never was much for caption contests:

My only regret about the Giants winning the Super Bowl is that I didn't listen to my gut and put some money on them. And that I didn't bet the under on the number of times Joe Buck said "Peyton Manning."

No really, it's great that New York has another championship. It's been way too long.

Into the valley of comedy death rode the 300

I didn't review Meet the Spartans (seniority has a few perks, even at Film Threat), and I'm glad. Not just because I was spared that particular indelible stain upon my immortal soul, but because I doubt I could have put it any better than Slate's
Josh Levin did:

Meet the Spartans (20th Century Fox), the latest spoof from Scary Movie/Date Movie/Epic Movie auteurs Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, begins with King Leonidas from 300 getting crapped on by a dancing penguin who exclaims, "I'm about to make you my bitch!" It ends with-spoiler alert!-a Stallone impersonator gyrating in the outfit Britney Spears wore to the MTV awards.
[...]
Those who stick around for the closing credits are treated to the sight of George W. Bush getting kicked in the nuts. Judging by the respective approval ratings of Bush (31 percent) and the Friedberg-Seltzer comedy team (between 2 percent and 3 percent, according to Rotten Tomatoes), audiences would have preferred to see Bush, or perhaps even Stalin, kick Friedberg and Seltzer in the balls.
[...]
This was the worst movie I've ever seen, so bad that I hesitate to label it a "movie" and thus reflect shame upon the entire medium of film. Friedberg and Seltzer do not practice the same craft as P.T. Anderson, David Cronenberg, Michael Bay, Kevin Costner, the Zucker Brothers, the Wayans Brothers, Uwe Boll, any dad who takes shaky home movies on a camping trip, or a bear who turns on a video camera by accident while trying to eat it. They are not filmmakers. They are evildoers, charlatans, symbols of Western civilization's decline under the weight of too many pop culture references.

Oh behave! I mean...uh, well said.

Levin goes on to wonder what compels audiences to keep returning to these movies for further abuse. I admire his indignation, but he's about five years behind the curve. Sure, Friedberg and Seltzer have set their sights squarely on the groin of the common man, but Meet the Spartans and it's two predecessors don't each gross $18 million on their opening weekends without several million accomplices. Fucking Norbit doesn't gross $95 million domestically without large portions of our population willingly plunking down $9 or $10 for the privilege.

Face it: we just aren't that bright. I'd love to blame sneaky advertising campaigns and clever viral marketing for our national bad taste, but everything there was to be had in Meet the Spartans was right there in the trailer for all to see. Studios may churn this crap out, but they're merely maximizing profit extracted from human beings I've heard say the following actual phrases:

[regarding subtitles]: "Why should I have to read a movie?"
[regarding Steve Martin's Pink Panther remake]: "Who's Peter Sellers?"
[regarding "difficult" films:] "I don't go to the movies to think."
[regarding Spinal Tap]: "These guys are stupid. Why did they make a movie about them?"
[regarding Tinseltown's sinister gay agenda:] "Brokeback Mountain proves Hollywood wants us all to be gay."

And if that wasn't enough,In Meet the Spartans beat my choice for Best Movie of 2008 (So Far) at the box office last weekend.