A Perfectly Cromulent Blog

"What about Brett Fav...ruh?" - Redux

New year, same old shit from #4:

While most of the Jets spent Monday afternoon packing their belongings into garbage bags, the space reserved for their most famous teammate, quarterback Brett Favre, was already empty.

The question that lingers as the Jets begin their off-season is: Is he gone for good?

"I'm pleading with him," receiver Chansi Stuckey said. "I'm probably going to be calling and texting him every single day to make sure he comes back."

The chances that Favre will return next season appear unlikely, as evidenced by his age (39), his ailing shoulder and his news conference after the Jets' loss to the Dolphins in the season finale. Still, the team owner, Woody Johnson, and General Manager Mike Tannenbaum said Monday that they wanted Favre back.

As has been the case for the past five years, Favre could end this speculation by simply saying, "Yes, I'll back" in his best Terminator voice or "No, I'm done." Instead, he's going back to Mississippi to sulk for another few months.

A report on Foxsports.com said sources close to Favre said he did not like playing for Eric Mangini, whom the Jets fired Monday. It said Mangini had called Favre into the "principal's office" to discuss his high number of interceptions.

Favre led the league with 22 interceptions, matching his number of touchdown passes. He passed for 3,472 yards, his lowest since 2003. In Favre's last five games, four of them losses, his highest passer rating was 61.4.

Mangini made quite a few bad calls, but when your QB is throwing two picks a game down the stretch because he doesn't want to settle down into a run-based offense, which is really how New York was set up the last couple seasons, you're not going to win. So now the coach formally known as "Mangenius" is out and the junky QB will keep the Jets dangling on the line while he makes up his mind.

Johnson defended Favre, whom the Jets traded for in August. "Brett Favre was a huge positive for this franchise," he said.

Asked if it is realistic for a 39-year-old quarterback with a bad shoulder to return, Johnson said: "It is realistic. It depends on what Brett wants to do, but he hasn't been through a camp yet."

That was the message that emerged from teammates who wanted Favre back -- give him a year in the system and a full off-season to become comfortable. Receiver Laveranues Coles even said he might go hunting with Favre in the coming months.

Whatever decision Favre makes, several players, including safety Kerry Rhodes, said they hoped he would make it soon.

If he keeps to his usual pattern, they'll be lucky to get an answer by Draft Day.

And yes, I am bitter about the frigging Bears not making the playoffs.

"Snot boogie?"

While She Who Shall Not Be Named is awash in musical instruments, books, and enough new outfits to gag a goat, the Wife and I gave each other one biggish gift. I gave her a Squeezebox jambox that plays Pandora, Rhapsody, and internet radio, and she got me this:

Al I need now are 70+ uninterrupted hours to watch all 60 episodes plus extras. That shoudln't be too hard.

Can we tax these douchebags already?

And would you homos please stop getting 'gay' on the Pope?

Pope Benedict XVI has said that saving humanity from homosexual or transsexual behaviour is just as important as saving the rainforest from destruction.

He explained that defending God's creation is not limited to saving the environment, but also protecting man from self-destruction.
[...]
Pope Benedict XVI warned that gender theory blurs the distinction between male and female and could thus lead to the "self-destruction" of the human race.

Gender theory explores sexual orientation, the roles assigned by society to individuals according to their gender, and how people perceive their biological identity.

When the Roman Catholic Church defends God's Creation, "it does not only defend the earth, water and the air... but (it) also protects man from his own destruction," the pope said.

"If tropical forests deserve our protection, humankind... deserves it no less," the 81-year-old pontiff said, calling for "an ecology of the human being."

Okay, first: you're not really allowed to use the word "ecology" if you're the head of an institution that rejects natural selection and the most basic tenets of evolutionary theory, both of which play pretty heavily into the concept of ecosystems and biodiversity.

Second, the "gay threat" comes in at about, oh, 750th on the list of things that are going to wipe out mankind. Among those ranking higher: global climate change, the increasing scarcity of water resources, "Captain Trips," Ming the Merciless, C.H.U.D.s, and genetically engineered dinosaurs running amok.

The Catholic Church opposes gay marriage. It teaches that while homosexuality is not sinful, homosexual acts are.

Which, when you think about it, is pretty much a total reversal of their position regarding pedophilia.

Good Timing Award

I like how Fitness Connection is advertising their $9.95 a month special as coming "just in time for the holidays." On December 22nd, it's comforting to know I can still erase 11 1/2 months of Sam Smith's Oatmeal Stout and late-night peanut butter sandwiches with two days of machine assisted bench presses and 20 minutes of elliptical on resistance 3.

It might have to wait until Wednesday, though. I put away a lot of Sam Smith's watching the Bears game tonight.

Help me, Cinema Blend

You're my only hope:

Here's yet another Batman 3 casting rumor for you to chew on, along with the Rachel Weisz as Catwoman gossip from yesterday. The Sun claims that Eddie Murphy has been signed to play the Riddler and Shia LaBeouf is set to play Robin. This is entirely untrue.

We spoke to a proven industry source of ours earlier tonight who confirmed to us not only that the rumor is a fake, but where and how The Sun got their information. Unfortunately, in order to protect our source's anonymity we can't tell you. Ain't that fun? But we're certain, there's no truth to this at all.

Besides, you don't need us to tell you that British newspapers have pretty much the worst track record ever when it comes to breaking movie news. They're nearly always wrong. Well they're wrong again.

I first saw this rumor on IMDB, which - let's be honest - is up there with Matt Drudge on the reliability scale. And I have to admit, the bad movie lover in me salivated at the thought of watching the current Batman franchise go all Bad Santayana and repeat WB's 1990s mistakes, pissing away their TDK cred by casting the one actor who might make Tommy Lee Jones' portrayal seem subdued.

But even I'm not credulous enough to buy the LaBeouf thing. Nolan's said repeatedly that Robin wouldn't be making an appearance in any of his movies.

That same proven source however says that Rachel Weisz is a real possibility to play Catwoman. That's not wrong. Also correct are the rumors that Nolan is actually ready to start making it. Our insider insists that the movie is further along than we've all been lead to believe. Nolan is back, Bale is back, and so is Michael Caine. The rest is still up in the air.

WB is definitely antsy to get the third installment out in the next couple of years, but word is Nolan's not feeling the same pressure. As for the rest being "up in the air." I'd be surprised if the suits behind the second highest grossing movie in U.S. history balked at reuniting the winning team.

Though Terrence Howard might disagree.

I demand a recount

Of my college GPA, that is:

Sleepy teenagers may not be able to help it, researchers say. Blame it on the early school start time and their circadian rhythms: the mental and physical changes that occur in a day.

Teenagers need eight to 10 hours of sleep, compared with the six to eight hours recommended for adults. Teenagers also tend to go to bed and wake later than adults. These biological tendencies clash with early morning high school schedules, leaving them sleepy in class.

Research conducted at the University of Kentucky in Lexington found that when Fayette County high schools delayed their start time by an hour, the percentage of students getting at least eight hours of sleep per night jumped from 35.7 to 50 percent.

The study, published Monday in the Journal of Clinical Sleep Medicine, surveyed 10,000 students in the Kentucky county before and after their schools changed the start time from 7:30 to 8:30 a.m.

I had and 8 AM Tuesday-Thursday Radio-Television-Film class the first semester of my freshman year at UT. It was in the Perry-Castaneda Library, directly across the street from Jester Dormitory, where I lived. I calculate my attendance at a robust 50%, which played a large part in my decision never to schedule another class that early again.

Thank heavens for the intrepid researchers at UK-Lexington, who have finally proven that my inability to drag my 18-year old ass less than a hundred yards to learn about Luis Buñuel and Harold P. Warren had nothing to do with staying up until 4 AM, smoking harmless tobacco, and debating the virtues of Norwegian metal while listening to Pink Floyd's Animals. Hooray for science.

Pics or it didn't happen

I guess the acoustics aren't all that great in Melrose Place East, leading to the following conversation between The Wife and myself this weekend during my attempts to create a Christmas card on the computer.

The Wife: How's it going?
Me: Eh. I'm not going to get anything going with this photo software, I think I'll just use the Walgreens website.
TW: Can we get them today?
Me: Yeah. Oh, and I went ahead and joined Flickr so we can get the rest of these SWSNBN pics up for the family.
TW: Oh no. No you didn't.
Me: What?
TW: You're not a 12-year old girl, are you? Why would you sign up for a Twitter account?
Me: ...Not Twitter. Flickr. Flick. Er.
TW: Ah.
Me: Come on, even I have my limits.

Apologies to my dear friends who are Twitter users.

The upshot being, I now have a Flickr account I've pretty much restricted to friends and family. If you want to hook up, shoot me a line at my Gmail account.

Security deposits are at stake

How does one get yellow mustard out of a carpet? I've already Resolved the hell out of it, but that's just muted the color a bit and spread it around nice and evenly.

Maybe I'll try relish.

Lennon-ism

I like Christmas. Okay, not really, but I do like one aspect of it, and that's how the music of the season offers further support for my argument that John Lennon was superior to Paul McCartney.

Exhibit A - "Happy Xmas (War is Over)"

Yoko's atonal presence is negated by Phil Spector's production and the Harlem Community Choir, and besides that the anti-war message is in keeping with the spirit of the holiday itself.

Exhibit B - "Wonderful Christmastime"

The droning synth part perfectly accompanies inspired lyrics like "The spirit's up," "The party's on," and "Ding dong ding dong ooohh." All courtesy of the guy who tried to reverse the words "Lennon McCartney" in the credits for "Why Don't We Do it in the Road?"

You should see Itchy

I'm watching the Texans doing their best to cough the game up to Green Bay when I hear what sounds like a baby crying outside the apartment. Not having seen any actual infants in residence during our stay in Melrose Place East, I naturally think the cat has escaped. A quick circuit of the place finds Ripley snoozing on SWSNBN's bed, so I head outside and discover the source of the noise, a yowling neighborhood stray I dubbed the Feline Lon Chaney, Sr. (click to enlarge):

The shot was taken from about 25 feet away, as the subject was (probably justifiably) wary of strangers, but it sure looks like somebody dumped some kind of chemical/solvent on him, unless there's another means of removing a cat's ear and turning the surrounding fur white that hasn't occurred to me.

Now, I'm not above occasionally spritzing Ripley with the water bottle to get her off the dining room table, but...jesus.

"Who's strangling the cat?"

I'd be lying if I said I didn't (very) occasionally enjoy the karaoke. This weekend, for example, an old friend of mine is having his regularly scheduled birthday trek to Genji for sake and heartless butchering of various Pogues and Bee Gees classics. In my capacity as a writer for Hair Balls, however, I sometimes have to be more of an asshole, as was the case here.

If Buddha, Mohammed, and Jesus Christ joined hands and strolled down Westheimer turning automobiles into unicorns while singing "Blasphemous Rumors" I don't think it would get as much coverage as that infernal karaoke machine at George Bush Intercontinental Airport (including right here at Hair Balls). And so, to commemorate this latest attempt to put Houston on the cultural map, here are some memorable karaoke scenes from the movies.

5. Duets (20000

I just returned from a meeting with Paul Krugman, Alan Greenspan, and the ghost of John Maynard Keynes, and they all assured me America's current economic crisis is divine retribution for resurrecting Huey Lewis' career.

And so on.

You're only as old as you feel

In that case, I'm screwed. Chronologically, however...well, I'll let John Eddie say it for me:

Well I guess I'm fucking 40
I can't say that I'm thrilled
I never dated Winona Ryder
And I probably never will

I did a quick inventory to commemorate some significant factoids at the onset of my fifth decade, and came up with a few hopefully not entirely boring tidbits:

Marriages: One
Children : [Roy Munson]One, that I know of[/Roy Munson]
Degrees earned: Two
Cars owned: Five
Pets: Four - one goldfish (Speedy), one dog (Cinder), one rabbit (Ash), one cat (Ripley)...all but the goldfish were black
Broken bones: Four
Dental fillings: One
Sexual partners: ...unchanged since 1993
Countries visited: 13...I think
Hemispheres visited: Northern
States visited: 37 and the District of Columbia
Criminal citations: One disturbing the peace complaint, one [purged from Williamson County police records], and numerous speeding tickets
Overnight hospital stays: One (ankle surgery in 1989)
Heads of state met: One (George H.W. Bush, 1992)
Visits to Las Vegas: Six
Visits to Los Angeles: One
Visits to NYC: None
Members of Soundgarden met: Two
John Grisham books read: 1/10 (started A Time to Kill, made it through about 50 pages)
Books written: Two
Books published: None

To usher in this new magnanimity, I'll address suggestions for further disclosure in the comments. At least until my 40th is over.

"In on ear, out the rubber."

So Mom mentioned Lethal Weapon as a Christmas classic in that Polar Express entry and I have to agree, if only for two scenes: the coke dealer shootout in the tree lot, and Mr. Joshua shooting up the TV ("It's goddamn Christmas!").

Unfortunately, the best I could do tonight was Lethal Weapon 2 on cable, which is decidedly not a Christmas movie. And being who I am, I noticed a few things that never really struck me as ridiculous until just now, and not just the fact that you can't pull a stilt house off its foundation with a truck, and "diplomatic immunity" probably doesn't cover shooting a police officer with a Mauser.

In my defense, I haven't watched the movie in its entirety since 1992.

1. Why does Vorstedt fall prey to that bane of 80s action villains: the Ill-Advised Closing Maneuver (see also Karl from Die Hard)? He's already hamstrung Riggs with a knife throw and is dealing with him just fine through the use of roundhouse and front kicks. Why sacrifice your tactical advantage by jumping on him, especially after you've taunted him with the deaths of his wife and Rika and know he might be a little...miffed?

2. Did Murtaugh ever get annoyed that the bad guys sent two helicopters and a squadron of guys with machine guns to take out Riggs, but only sent two dudes - armed with one knife between them - to kill him? I guess Phoenix Project trumps 25-year police veteran.

3. A South African girl I went to college with informed me the accents of Arjen Rudd and company were pretty lousy from an Afrikaaner perspective. Can anyone confirm this, or was she just trying to piss me off so I wouldn't try to sleep with her?

Still no book deal

To prove I'm still generating content - just not on APCB - here are some links to stuff I've written in the last few weeks.

Reviews

I haven't seen a lot of movies lately, thanks to the general insanity of the holiday season and a distinct lack of enthusiasm about most recent releases. To wit:

Twilight *1/2 - I'm no longer convinced "at least they're reading" is adequate when the books in question are as shitty as these.

Hair Balls - I've been a little more productive on this front (amazing what the promise of financial remuneration does for one's output). That said, I went a little apeshit on the whole "James Bond Week" theme:

The Top Five Bond Girl Names (11/10/2008)
The Top Five Henchmen (11/11/2008)
Best Five Non-Villain Deaths (11/12/2008)
Best Bond Villain Deaths (11/13/2008)
Five Best Bond Songs (11/14/2008)
Best Bond Villains (11/15/2008)
Best Bond Movies (11/16/2008)
How Quantum of Solace Stacks Up (11/17/2008)

I also did a couple of lists in "honor" of Twilight and Turkey Day:

The Five Worst Movie Vampires (11/21/2008)
Memorable Movie Thanksgivings (11/27/2008)

Finally, in response to those lousy Sam Houston Comcast commercials:

Top Five Commercials Featuring Political Figures (12/01/2008)

I do have some cool pics of She Who Shall Not Be Named on a zipline that I may have to post here.