A Perfectly Cromulent Blog

Name that dog

My father ("raybob" to those of you who've been here a while) is getting a new dog for my little sister. Since she apparently spends too much time on Facebook to come up with a name, he's asked for assistance from - *sigh* - you degenerates:

Could you post a request on your blog for ideas for names for [sister's] puppy (he'll be here in a couple weeks)--a border terrier (small scruffy type).

Some recent ideas here are Freddy, Milo, Yogi--([M] suggested Thneed, try to say that and Pwyll real fast a few times)*

I know this may be asking for trouble, buy your readers seem to come up with some "interesting" ideas sometimes.

For those too lazy to do a Google image search, here's a border terrier:

I think he looks kind of like a young Oliver Reed, myself, but do your worst best.

* The other pets' names are Barbaloot (dog), Oblio, and Pwyll (cats).

Forcing my hand

Fine...no comments on the porn conversation means I'm going to keep quoting incidents from my personal life until someone tells me to stop.

First, from this afternoon. The setting: Lowe's parking lot, where The Wife and I were picking our ceiling fans for the house (which we will be moving back into this weekend). Being With Child (or "embarazado" as I prefer to say), The Wife has cravings, specifically for Double Dave's pepperoni rolls. Yours truly was, naturally, dispatched post-haste.

Oh, she's also been annoyed with my insistence on running/working out while she gains weight. That comes into play as well.

Me: So how many do you want?
The Wife: Two, I guess.
Me: You guess? Do you want three?
TW: It's buy one/get one free day, getting three would be...stupid.
Me: So get four.
TW: Are you going to eat one?
Me: No (She Who Shall Not Be Named and I had already supped). Just get four and I'll eat one later.
TW: [eyes narrowing] You're going running tonight, aren't you?
Me: [mumbling] I was thinking about it.
TW: Then you will eat a GODDAMN PIZZA ROLL!

Her voice really carried across that parking lot, I tell you what.

Finally, tonight. I've been dicking around with writing a novel, and am constantly being prompted for updates.

The Wife: How's the book coming?
Me: Oh that, I gave up on that.
TW: You can't. You know why? Because I envisioned it, like in The Secret.
Me: The secret what?
TW: It says if you can envision something happening, it'll come to pass.
Me: Yeah, I think several million adolescent boys who masturbated to swimsuit models might take issue with that theory.

I can do this all day, kids.

"A girl's gotta have her standards."

This conversation came up last night while The Wife and I were discussing men she might leave me for, a discussion that occurs often enough to make me question marrying a woman who used to regale me with fun facts she learned in her Marital Property Law class.

The Wife: What was that guy's name you went to grad school with? With the glasses?
Me: That narrows it down.
TW: You went to hockey games with him.
Me: George [not his real name]?
TW: Yeah, he was cute.
Me: For a pervert, sure. The guy had an encyclopedic knowledge of pornography, and this was pre-internet.
TW: If it isn't illegal and doesn't affect me, what do I care what he looks at?
Me: Reeeaaallly...
TW: [hastily] As long as it isn't too weird.
Me: Aha. Define "weird."
TW: I don't know...tentacle stuff, bestiality...freaky shit.
Me: What about scat?
TW: Definitely not.
Me: I mean, being German it's kind of a cultural requirement.
TW: Nein.
Me: Okay, okay. Hey, remind me later that I need to delete my browser history.

I'd like to assure any grandparental units reading this that She Who Shall Not Be Named was safely upstairs playing put of earshot during this inappropriate exchange.

Truth is stranger than Extras

Once more, with Überzeugung:

"Schindler's bloody List, The Pianist... Oscars coming out of their arses."

The Academy is...

So our friend Tanya is in an Oscar contest where the tiebreaker is the question of who's hotter: Anne Hathaway or Kate Winslet. And I think we can all agree the answer is: Viola Davis.

On with the show (newest entries listed first)...

10:57 - As for the previews:
Sherlock Holmes - meh
The Taking of Pelham 1-2-3 - How fucking dare you?
Public Enemies - Could be cool
The Soloist - Looks like a Kirk Lazarus movie from Tropic Thunder
Up - 2010 Best Animated Film
Fame - Whatever...
Terminator: Salvation - Crap
Amelia - Swank's next Best Actress nom
Inglourious Basterds - QT has been writing this for 14 years. Can it really be any good?
Monsters vs. Aliens - 2010 Best Animated Film...no, wait.
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince - They made movies out of these?
Angels and Demons - Ewan McGregor enters the Cathedral of Suck.
Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs - Didn't the first Ice Age have a human kid in it? Kirk Cameron must be producing.
State of Play - Russell Crowe is: the unkempt journalist; Ben Affleck is: the philandering Congressman; together they try to invalidate the opposition's legitimate claim that a guy who lies to his wife might not be the honest statesman he presents himself to be.

10:43 - Didn't see the Penn win coming. You Commie, homo-loving sons-of-guns have no respect for dead chihuahuas.

10:42 - Kingsley talking about Randy "The Ram" Robinson sounds like a guy describing his own post-Uwe Boll career.

10:39 - DeNiro gets the line of the night. That almost makes up for Righteous Kill.

Except it doesn't, really.

10:33 - 6th time's a charm.

10:27 - Shirley MacLaine paraphrased: "Anne Hathaway, because you're not afraid to get naked." Kate Winslet gets naked more though, so she's going to win.

But Melissa Leo ought to.

10:20 - Danny, have you heard about the Smoker's Toothpaste?

10:13 - Damn, Paul Newman...

10:02 - I finally figured it out: giving award to all these non-English speakers means the speeches will be that much shorter. Well played, Sid Ganis

9:56 - What was Peter Gabriel's complaint again? That they were going to cut his WALL^E song down to a 65-second snippet? That's verboten but giving it to Party of Five and AT&T somehow bolsters your artistic integrity? Fuck off.

9:41 - Damn, Eddie Murphy looks good. That said, they're going to screw up their land speed record with all these tributes.

And while I've never liked Jerry Lewis' movies, he absolutely deserve the kudos for the MD Telethon.

9:34 - I take back my comments at...earlier; they're blowing through the ceremony tonight. This is the best work Will Smith has had since Ali.

9:27 - I don't normally care about Visual Effects, but fuck a Benjamin Button. Iron Man had a "visual effect" in practically every goddamn scene.

9:25 - The action montage is the only place you'll seen Rambo in the Oscars. More's the pity.

9:22 - When did Tom Cruise get funny? That's annoying.

9:18 - First Martin, now Bill Maher mocking our religious institutions. I blame Obama.

9:14 - Man on Wire, bet on it.

9:07 - Look at the audience being extra careful not to look unserious during the Heath Ledger award.

9:03 - I heartily endorse this Beyonce-in-a-skimpy-outfit musical number and/or product.

8:56 - And I'm as sick of Apatow as anyone, but the Pineapple Kaminski thing was pretty damn funny.

8:55 - Okay, back. Did they really do the Joaquin Phoenix gag the night after they did the same thing on the Independent Spirit Awards? Really?

8:27 - I think the "Romance" montage is as good a time as any to take a break...

8:18 - I guess Benjamin Button has to win something.

8:10 - I'm pretty sure it's not racist if a Japanese guy says "Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto."

8:04 - And they did. How...unsatisfying.

8:03 - Jennifer Aniston? Cut to Brad and Angelina! Cut to Brad and Angelina!

8:02 - Annnnnd 3 for 3. Thrill as I pick Heath Ledger for Best Supporting Actor.

7:57 - Since I acknowledged the odds favored Cruz, I'm maintaining that I'm 2 for 2.

7:54 - The fact that Steve Martin can make fun of Scientology at the Oscars and still make crap like Pink Panther 2 is, in a word, annoying.

7:50 - 20 minutes in and we're through one frigging award. Opening another bottle.

7:45 - If we're going to spend five minutes on each nominaton this is going to last until 2 AM. Just give it to Penelope Cruz.

7:43 - Nice sack, Tilda.

7:38 - Just kidding. I can't stay mad at you, Hugh.

7:37 - I never thought I'd be looking back fondly on the Rob Lowe-Snow White opening number.

7:31 - Look at the lustful gleam in every woman's eyes. I think I could try gay for Hugh Jackman.
Because it's a choice, you know.

7:27 - Robin Roberts has her tickets...to the GUN SHOW

7:24 - I agree with Tim Gunn and Mickey Rourke: I like Marisa Tomei in either state of dressedness.

"I got some unfinished business in Missouri."

If I have to be up at midnight on Sunday for an unspecified work-related issue, at least I can flip back and forth between Unforgiven and The Outlaw Josey Wales and remind myself how lame I am to be living in the 21st century and not have a job that involves riding a horse and shooting people in the face for decorating their saloon with my friend.

I love Clint. Enough to forgive him for Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil and Absolute Power, anyway.

"Try having that conversation on 'shrooms! I deserve an Oscar for that performance."

Re-watching Harold and Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay, I realize the truth of that statement. For if Robert Downey, Jr. can get nominated for playing an erstwhile black man, surely NPH deserves some kudos for playing a hallucinogen-abusing poon hound.

Whatever, here's who's going to win the Academy Award on Sunday.

Best Picture: Slumdog Millionaire - Weinstein's 11th hour Reader push won't pan out, especially for a Holocaust movie that makes the Germans sympathetic.
Best Director: Danny Boyle - See above.
Best Actor: Mickey Rourke - Don't get me wrong; Sean Penn was fantastic in Milk, but Rourke's story speaks to anybody in Hollywood who fears the icy immersion of obsolescence. Which is to say: everybody in Hollywood. Also wins the dead dog sympathy vote.
Best Actress: Kate Winslet - The Academy slips into "We've Nominated Her A Bunch of Time And She Hasn't Won Yet" mode, Melissa Leo should win this, by rights. And Frozen River should be nominated for BP.
Best Supporting Actor: Michael Shannon...ha ha, not really. In case anyone cares, Josh Brolin was really fucking good, too.
Best Supporting Actress: I know the odds are on Penelope Cruz, but I still maintain she's not really all that great, so I'm going with Viola Davis. Somebody from the Doubt ensemble needs to win.
Best Animated Feature: Wall*E - There are many who think this should've been nominated for Best Picture. I'm not one of them.
Best Adapted Screenplay: Slumdog Millionaire
Best Original Screenplay: Milk It is a really good movie, it oughta win something...

The Fairsley Difference

Dear Greater Heights Neighborhood,

Please build a real fucking grocery store.

Signed,

The Guy Who Just Stood in Line 20 Minutes to Buy Dairy-Free Ice Cream At The Crappy 11th Street Kroger Because He Can't Find It At the Shitty HEB on 18th or the Creepy Ass Fiesta on Studewood

We're moving back into our house in two weeks after living in an apartment off T.C Jester for almost six months (thanks, Ike!), which means we'll once again be next to the halfway decent Kroger on 43rd. But seriously, where do you people in 77007/77008 get your food?

"If you've ever seen a bald Corey Feldman, you've seen me."

Another Friday the 13th has come and gone. Thanks to various coincidences and an ancient Aztec curse, I always end up writing something about the movies of the same name around this time. I never would have categorized myself as a huge fan, but I have seen all of them and can name my favorites in the series (Part VI: Jason Lives, the original, and Jason X) as well as other esoterica (Best death? Either the sleeping bag from Part VII or face in the nitrogen from X) which I guess is all you need in order to qualify as an "expert" at something in the entertainment world.

Anyway, here's your Ft13 wrap-up:

Capsule reviews of the movies (excepting Freddy vs. Jason, which I have now seen and would give a "C")
Friday the 13th: The Best Kills - Hair Balls entry with relevant YouTube clips
My review of the Friday the 13th remake ** - In which I express my admiration for Michael Bay

Finally, The Thing that Walks Like a Man sent me a link to this, which is a nice little mash-up of the 13th movies and The Wrestler. Significant amounts of gore are included, so be warned.

Now we have to wait until November March (duh) to do it all over again.

Hello Balls - 2/10/2009

It's great when Friday the 13th comes the same week as Valentine's Day, because not only do I get to do the expected V-Day blog entries for Hair Balls, I also have to whip up something about Mr. Voorhees. APCB traffic will therefore be a little light this week.

In the meantime, here's some of what I've been writing elsewhere.

Film Threat Reviews:

He's Just Not That Into You **1/2 - Ben Affleck looks like he got one of those tooth jobs a la Matt Dillon in There's Something About Mary.
Notorious *1/2 - I eagerly await Suge Knight's competing Tupac biopic.
Marley & Me *1/2 - Am I the only one horrified by a completely untrained dog repeatedly knocking over little kids?
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button **1/2 - Eric Roth takes another Gump on audiences.

Hair Balls:

For February: The Five Best Blaxploitation Epics (2/9/2009)
For Groundhog Day -- The Five Best Movie Rodents (2/2/2009)
The Five Best Super Bowl Movies (1/30/2009)
A New Werewolf Movie Is Out: Can It Stack Up With The Five Best? (1/26/2009)
"I Do Solemnly Swear": Five Best Swearing-In Scenes (1/20/2009)
The Five Worst Best (Recent) Pictures (1/19/2009)
As All Eyes Turn To Austin, We Present The Five Best Austin Movies (1/13/2009)
In Honor Of The Defunct Penthouse Club, The Five Best Strip Club Scenes (1/8/2009)
Top Five Movie New Year's Eve Parties (12/30/2008)
Five Worst Hangovers In The Movies (12/26/2008)
The Five Worst Christmas Parties In The Movies (12/17/2008)
Five Christmas Movies Guaranteed To Get Rid Of Unwanted Guests (12/16/2008)
In Memory Of Mr. Buck: Five Deer Who Fought Back (12/11/2009)

Jesus, I need to post updates a little more frequently. Older entries after the jump.

What History Tells Us: Five Black Presidents (11/6/2008)
Five Types of Horror Movies That Suck (10/31/2008)
Five Scariest Movie Moments You Probably Haven't Seen (10/31/2008)
The Five Worst Basketball Movies of All Time (10/29/2008)
Five Movie Presidents Worse Than W. (10/21/2008)
Ten Possible Reasons for the Cowboys Missing the Playoffs (10/15/2008)
Top Five Beatdowns in Houston Sports (10/9/2008)
The Disappearing Local Film Critic (10/9/2008)
NASA at 50: Five Bad Astronaut Movies (10/2/2008)
When Trees Attack: In Movies & Real Life (10/1/2008)
Houston on the TV: The Top Five (9/11/2008)
Slo-Mo Football Movie Finales: The Top Five (9/9/2008)
Top Five Houstonians as Hurricanes (8/29/2008)
The Top Five Ballsiest Actors from Texas (8/27/2008)
Texas Horror Movies: The Top Five (8/18/2008)
Houston Sports Movies: The Top Five (8/14/2008)
Chuck Norris Reaches Out And Touches: The Top Five (8/11/2008)
It's Freaking Hot - So Watch Some Cold Movies (8/7/2008)
Movies For Your Hurricane Party Tonight (8/4/2008)
A Wish List for Austin's Movie Memorabilia Sale (7/31/2008)
Hollywood Destroys Houston: The Top Five (7/30/2008)
Houston as a Movie Stand-In: The Top Five (7/22/2008)

"Old Detroit has a cancer."

"That cancer is...desperate longing."

Reproduced in its entirety due to awesomeness:

Truly, there was a multi-dimensionality to Dougy we never really understood.

Road Trip

Deleted because I - as the comments have indicated - am a complete dumbass. Boy, time sure flies.

EDIT: Or not. The Slobberbone web page says January, but their MySpace and Facebook pages say tonight. And the Dallas Observer confirms. Now: are there still tickets, and can I get any when nobody at the Barley House feels like answering the phone today?

I find your lack of cake disturbing

Pregnancy is proceeding normally. The Wife is well into the second trimester and both parents are exceedingly grateful to the gestation gods for that. All tests to this point have been normal, and we're eager to get back into the house (end of this month...fingers crossed) so we can get a better handle on how soon we're going to have to sell it and move out to Conroe.

The next ultrasound isn't for another month, but that's okay because the last one was plenty entertaining. The doctor performing it was an old Slavic woman - I conjured up a history where she went to medical school after her Moscow Circus lover abandoned her following their defection in the 1970s, but I bore easily - who's been doing them for 30 years and seemed to think that both twins are of the...female variety.

The way she put it was funnier ("I don't see any penises"), but only when you hear it in my hilarious Boris and Natasha accent.

So before I go stock up on ammo and mentally prepare my speeches on why eloping is a perfectly reasonable alternative to big weddings, I'd just like to let The Wife know I've got the baby shower refreshments covered:

You know, I'll bet the sound of his breathing apparatus is actually quite soothing.

Rhymes with "smartass"

I had the pleasure of meeting Elisson, the proprietor of the aptly named Blog d'Elisson, while he was on the Houston stop of his farewell tour a couple weeks ago. Over beers at the Richmond Arms, we discussed movies, politics, and blogging while I spent most of the evening thankful that the bar's murky confines effectively disguised the frayed fleece I was wearing. Dude can dress.

He also tagged me with an award. No, not one of those fancy statuettes, but rather:

"The Dardos Award is given for recognition of cultural, ethical, literary, and personal values transmitted in the form of creative and original writing. These stamps were created with the intention of promoting fraternization between bloggers, a way of showing affection and gratitude for work that adds value to the Web."

I thank him kindly, even if I can't tell what the hell that is in the picture (I thought it was a shaken-up beer at first). I also am apparently supposed to pass this along to five more blogs, which I'm actually not going to do. Not because I'm a crank (well, not entirely), but because I do such a shitty job keeping up with the people on my blogroll I'd have to spend the next six hours reading/verifying they still post. So I will simply say 'thanks' to Elisson and assure him that next time, the apricot ale is on me.

He may not be that into you, but his farm implement soon will be

Saw He's Just Not That Into You tonight. It's produced by New Line Cinema. This isn't really important until you remember that trailers attached to new releases are generally for movies being released by the same company. As it happens, the only thing New Line has coming down the pike is Michael Bay's Friday the 13th remake, so the young ladies assembled to swoon over Ben Affleck were also treated to a few judicious machete murders.

I'm seeing F13 next week, but the trailer served a greater purpose tonight in that it allowed me to endure the ensuing 120 minutes by imagining Scarlett Johansson and Justin Long messily beheaded by a thyroid case in a hockey mask.

The documentary of the beast

As some of you may recall, back in May I joined Joni and The Thing That Walks Like A Man for a delightful evening of heavy metal and Satan worship at Iron Maiden's "Somewhere Back in Time" tour. Now, the proud Americans behind Metal: A Headbanger's journey have commemorated the occasion with Flight 666:

From Variety:

Arts Alliance Media will distribute feature doc "Iron Maiden: Flight 666" worldwide on April 21 in association with the legendary British heavy-metal band, EMI music and Universal in the U.S.

The doc focuses on Iron Maiden's Somewhere Back in Time world tour last year, which saw the band fly to perform in 13 countries in a customized Boeing 757 airliner piloted by lead singer Bruce Dickinson.

Wow. It's like what I just said.

The good news is, all of you pathetic losers decent, god-fearing folk who never got a chance to check Maiden out can now see what you missed while you were spending time with your families and getting an education. Suckers.