A Perfectly Cromulent Blog

"A tiger? In Africa?"

I'm kind of torn when it comes to the subject of zoos. Part of me loves being able to go look at animals I'd likely never get a chance to see otherwise, and taking kids to see an elephant for the first time is pretty awesome. Then there's things like "captivity" and "Canadian bears in a subtropical climate" and "elephant herpes" that are decidedly less so.

So I (mostly) like the Houston Zoo. They do a pretty good job making comfortable habitats for the animals, and there's a fine selection of exotic beasties. We've been member for six years now (thanks, Dad), and on any sub-85 degree weekend, we're probably there. She Who Shall Not Be Named is a big fan of the giraffes and the carousel, and I trust/hope the Notorious VHT will follow suit.

So this video was kind of disappointing. It's zoo director Rick Barongi talking about the new African Forest exhibit that opens next year. Now, I realize they were probably just running some stock animal footage for the presentation, but somebody should have made sure the right ape was showing when Barongi talked about chimps and gorillas, and it probably wasn't a great idea to lead the whole thing off with an animal that isn't even found on the continent.

It reminded me of this:

Feel Like (Re-)Making Love

There was (understandably) little fanfare, but I'm now the Houston Press "pop culture blogger" following the retirement of Jennifer "Miss Pop Rocks" Mathieu. The Powers That Be were apparently attached enough to the "Pop Rocks" part to just keep calling it that. Whatever, here's the latest column.
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If you're into recycling, you're going to love the next few years. Starting this week (Fame) and going into 2012 and beyond, moviegoers will be "treated" to remakes of such movies as The Birds, Fahrenheit 451, The Swiss Family Robinson, The Wolfman, The Karate Kid (rechristened Kung Fu Kid), The Creature from the Black Lagoon, and Footloose, to name but a few. Many more are rumored to be in the works (I can't be the only one looking forward to a new Silent Night, Deadly Night). And that's ignoring the dozens of do-overs that have been already released in the last decade.

Whatever your feelings on the matter, remakes serve an important purpose. They allow studios to rake in money without requiring them to put any effort into plot or script, for starters. Remakes also spare us -- the viewing audience -- the inconvenience of having to discover movies that were released more than fifteen years ago or try to comprehend anything more complicated than the half dozen plots we're already comfortable with. Finally, without our love of making the same films over and over again, Eddie Murphy's career would have ended shortly after Coming to America.

Aside from old movies, Hollywood often looks overseas for their "inspiration." This is often the case with horror remakes, and specifically for Asian and European titles (though the passage of 20 years has made 80s flicks like Nightmare on Elm Street and My Bloody Valentine fair game as well). This was understandable when foreign titles were difficult to obtain domestically, but now the only justification appears to be a mutually agreed upon laziness pact between filmmakers and audiences.

I say, enough pussyfooting around. Buying the rights to an obscure Japanese horror movie and signing some jerkweed music video director to helm it is easy. What we need are movie producers like J.L. Warner and Louis B. Mayer: men with the balls to say, "If we're going to do this, let's go all in by God." Here are a few ideas to get started:

Casablanca 2012
Set in Rick's, the hottest dance club in Miami, we follow the eponymous club owner (played by Jay-Z) as he attempts to reconcile with his old flame (Beyonce) as the world around them descends into chaos following the Heat winning the NBA championship. He receives advice from "Sam," a spectral presence only he can see/hear, played by a CGI Humphrey Bogart.

The Vertigo Limit
It's "Verti-whoa" when skydiving cop Keanu Reeves develops acrophobia after a botched hijacking. He becomes a private detective, and his first assignment is tailing "X Games" star Maddy Elster (Kim Kardashian), who leads him on a thrill-packed, extreme sports-laden jaunt across the country, culminating in -- what else? -- the North American Skydiving Championship in San Juan Bautista.

Burn Atlanta Burn
There's only one man who can update Gone With the Wind, but without all the romance and chit-chat, and that's Michael Bay. The burning of Atlanta would take up the entire second and most of the third act (what with all the slo-mo) and end with Tara exploding into atoms after Prissy (Cuba Gooding Jr. in drag) accidentally ignites a cache of hidden Confederate gunpowder. With Megan Fox as Scarlett.

Citizen Kane - The Smackdown
The epic story of a man (played by WWE star Glenn "Kane" Jacobs, of course) who enters the world of professional wrestling in order to serve the public good, then slowly turns into one of the ring's leading villains. His only companion on this journey is his trusty folding chair, "Rosebud."

Da Bike Thieves
A bold "reimagining" of Vittoria Di Sica's 1948 classic showcases Vin Diesel, Channing Tatum, and Jessica Alba as a gang who specialize in ripping off high end motorcycles. When their own custom Ducatis are stolen (in an ironic twist), they must hunt the perpetrators down...with extreme prejudice.

Larry of Arabia
Look out, Prince Feisal: T.A. "Larry" Lawrence (Larry the Cable Guy) is here to show you crazy Ay-rabs how they settle their disputes in the South: with lots of sort-of dirty jokes and scantily clad ladies. Join Larry and his flatulent camel "Cooter" as they git-r-done and unite those pesky tribes.

I can't decide which movie reference is more appropriate

Dune or Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome:

A massive dust storm swept through parts of Australia on Wednesday, bathing the city of Sydney in a reddish haze.

Susan Paget marveled at the eerie red view from the balcony of her apartment in Manly, a suburb of Sydney, and said she took the day off work to avoid the dust storm mess.

"It just feels dirty and rusty," Paget told CNN. "It was totally bizarre to wake up around 5:30 a.m. and see such a red bizarre sky."

A video Paget submitted to CNN's iReport showed thick haze, which made it difficult to see her neighbors' homes.

Health officials in Sydney warned residents to stay in indoors if possible, especially if they had asthma or heart and lung conditions.

The reddish haze in question:

But we've learned, by the dust of them all... Bartertown learned.

"Sometimes a Madea is forced to defend her honor."

Seriously though, what the fuck?

I guess this means there are going to be a lot more rapes than your average Tyler Perry flick.

"This [doesn't] sound like rock and/or roll."

"Cowboys Forever" is the new OSU "pregame festivities" song. If, like me, you're a little late to the party, here's some history:

It was written and performed by John Martin, a longtime fan of all things orange and black, and it will be used during pregame festivities at football games.

Sounds great, right?

Well, many a Cowboy fan thinks otherwise.

The song feels like a cross between Christian contemporary and modern country, and it has become a lightning rod for message-board fodder and bar-stool debate in recent weeks. The lyrics have been ridiculed. The music has been mocked. Even Martin has become a target.

Martin may be a longtime orange and black fan, but he actually played for Baylor, which isn't helping his case.

A few days later, Martin found himself at Garth Brooks' house. He told the former OSU track athlete turned country music megastar about his new song, and Brooks asked to hear it. He tapped his toe as Martin played, then sang back the chorus when Martin was done.

A ringing endorsement, until you consider how much it sounds like a Chris Gaines song. Others have described it as "aural horror," "awful," and one person on the Daily O'Collegian website said they "would rather listen to a sack full of kittens being murdered than to participate or sing along if Cowboys Forever is played anywhere near Boone Pickens Stadium."

That's a bit harsh. Personally, I think the song perfectly captures the spirit of the '80s. Though not the 1880s, mind you.

I mean, the Big XII is full of questionable song choices; "Boomer Sooner" is the Yale fight song, "The Eyes of Texas" is "I've Been Working on the Railroad," and the "Aggie War Hymn" was actually written by Canadian Bolsheviks. But this is just...wow.

Labor Day, Shmabor Day

Another Hair Balls entry, because all the white space at the bottom of the page makes me sad.

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It's Labor Day, and if you're inside reading blogs instead of grilling meat and ripping bong hits by a pool somewhere, or if you're -- shudder -- actually working, you have our sympathies. And even those unfortunate enough not to have today off are hopefully in a better bargaining position than the Pullman workers whose 1894 strike led to the holiday's creation (we also trust everyone loudly opposing our government's policies aren't observing this holiday, in protest of its socialist origins).

And for all of you who aren't able to enjoy the fruits of this day, which has gone from an occasion to celebrate the American worker to the demarcation of the the start of football season, hopefully your jobs are better than these:

Piss Boy (Mel Brooks) -- History of the World: Part I (1981)

The Early Modern French equivalent of the executive assistant. Both are wholly degrading and thankless positions, and yet you still have to get dressed up to do them. Buckets have been replaced with Blackberries in contemporary office settings.

Spider (Michael Imperioli) -- Goodfellas (1990)

I feel for Spider, I really do. The kid had what they used to call "moxie," but not a lot in the way of brains, unless I'm missing something and jawing off to the guy who previously shot you in the foot is considered a Wise Move.

Milton Waddams (Stephen Root) -- Office Space (1999)

Of all the jobs on the list, this is the one that will likely hit home for most. Milton's also the guy whose actions we'd most like to emulate, for while Peter felt remorse for unleashing the "Superman 3" virus on Initech and actually made amends, Milton burned the goddamned building down and headed south of the border with the loot. Peter may have been the handsome protagonist, but Milton personified the impotent rage all cubicle jockeys feel.

Oola (Femi Taylor) -- The Return of the Jedi (1983)

Given the choice between playing tonsil hockey with Jabba or getting messily devoured by the rancor, I'm honestly not sure what I'd choose. But aside from her ignominious death, the character of Oola also serves to perpetuate the geek community's longstanding love for green-skinned women.

Benson (Jerold Wells) -- Time Bandits (1981)

The ultimate representation of corporate sycophancy, the Smithers to Evil's Mr. Burns, Benson gets the shaft repeatedly throughout the movie, yet always comes back happily for more, like the fine lickspittle he is. Evil's penultimate insult -- turning him into a sheepdog -- is merely the final manifestation of capitalist subjugation, as he becomes the literal "running dog" of Communist propaganda.

Or maybe I'm reading too much into it.

"I'll teach your grandmother to suck eggs."

We have officially crossed the Rubicon with regard to children's programming. I thought Elmo was bad, but now they've got "Murray," who is easily the most annoying/least deserving Muppet to get his own block of programming on Sesame Street. I thought Barney was cloying and obnoxious, and then they gave me the Wonder Pets.

But all of these are tame in comparison to the dissonance conjured up when a show's theme song echoes the surreal "alternative" programming of my youth.

This is the theme song to Wow Wow Wubbzy:

This is "Happy Happy Joy Joy" from early '90s cult classic Ren & Stimpy:

I'd weep for the future if Obama's "death panels" weren't already going to introduce Lastday from Logan's Run as part of the health care reform package.