A Perfectly Cromulent Blog

John Travolta -- Humanitarian

Another Hair Balls cross-post...

The tragedy of the earthquake in Haiti has, as expected, brought out both the best and worst of humanity. As an example of the former, we've seen the nations of the world send supplies and relief workers to help the stricken Caribbean nation. As for the latter, well, the comments of colossal dickbags such as Pat Robertson and Rush Limbaugh pretty much speak for themselves.

But then, it's hard to blame Robertson. This is a guy whose capacity for honest empathy was completely wiped out by decades of belief in a merciless supreme being. He's so close to shuffling off his own moral coil it's rendered him incapable of seeing anything but the avenging Angel of Death in every natural disaster, economic downturn, or hangnail. Rush, of course, occupies that truly rarefied stratum of delusional hypocrisy reserved for those who not only lie about their own illegal/immoral activities, but who can still keep a straight face when calling for the punishment of others who behave identically.

And then there's John Travolta. As you may or may not have heard, the once and future Tony Manero flew his Boeing 707 into Port-au-Prince last Monday to deliver sox tons of MREs, doctors, and -- oh yeah -- several Scientology "volunteer ministers" to offer aid to the stricken.

This gesture of absolute selflessness by the Wild Hogs actor and Operating Thetan 5, amazingly, elicited some negative reactions:

There is a backlog of at least 800 aircraft awaiting permission to land at the overloaded airport, which can handle just 130 flights daily, prompting recriminations from some aid agencies

Some loser aid agencies, you mean. It's not the fault of the Church of Scientology's that it just happens to attract the best and brightest of America's celebrity population. Hey, Doctors Without Borders; sorry if you can't compete with the incandescent star power of Danny Masterson and Catherine Bell. Maybe you should set up some outreach centers in West Hollywood instead of spending all your money providing care to people who don't even own TVs.

One US doctor, who declined to be named, said it was more a credibility thing. "I didn't know touching could heal gangrene."

Obviously somebody hasn't been keeping up with the latest [CoS approved] medical literature. One look at this picture ought to set him straight:

The fact that the minister is wearing rubber gloves during the "assist" is not, as some cynics have said, to avoid touching the unwashed brown people. No, it's actually because the healing power of the Scientologist's touch is so potent that -- without a tactile barrier of some kind -- the recipient would be so thoroughly healed they'd become nigh-invincible superbeings. And I think we all remember what happened the last time we created a bunch of those...

I know we in the world of celebrity "journalism" are quick to view any apparently philanthropic act by a public figure with a healthy amount of suspicion. It's our way of living with ourselves after willingly regurgitating everything we're told by publicists and movie studios. But in Travolta's case, let us for once recognize his action for what it is: a charitable gesture from a man who sincerely wants to offer assistance to a beleaguered country, and not a desperate publicity ploy by an actor in an upcoming movie who hasn't had a legitimate hit since 1997.

From Paris with Love opens February 5.

Mars doesn't need women

So NASA is apparently taking public suggestions for where to point the High Resolution Imaging Science Experiment (HiRISE) camera on NASA's Mars Reconnaissance Orbiter. No doubt the agency is anticipating a slew of requests for Victoria Crater or Olympus Mons, and I salute such educational endeavors. Then again, let us not ignore the other applications of this technology; specifically, scoping out potential Martian babes.

5. Genevieve Selsor (Bernadette Peters) -- The Martian Chronicles (1980)

1970s/80s vintage Bernadette Peters was smoking hot, to be sure. But as this clip of the spectacularly annoying Selsor -- one of the last remaining humans on Mars -- demonstrates why she's best viewed from afar.

4. Vampire Girl (Vampira, AKA Maila Nurmi) -- Plan 9 From Outer Space (1959)

Admittedly, I don't even know if -- cough -- Eros and Tanna and the gang were actually from Mars. And the Vampire Girl is actually, as far as I can remember, a human woman resurrected as a result of Plan 9. Sue me, I have a thing for goth chicks.

3. Martian Girl (Lisa Marie) -- Mars Attacks (1996)

A star-studded cast, alien invasion, yodeling...it's hard to explain why this never really caught on. If nothing else, it remains note worthy for introducing the concept of the "Kennedy Room."

2. Dejah Thoris (Lynn Collins) -- John Carter of Mars (2012)

Thoris is a Red Martian princess rescued by the Earthling John Carter from the clutches of the Green Martians in Edgar Rice Burrough's Barsoom series. The movie is still two years away, which means anything can happen, casting wise, but right now this is who they have slated to play her. She appears to have the requisite...assets.

1, Mary (Lycia Naff) -- Total Recall (1990)

Frankly, after seeing this I'm not so sure "getting your ass to Mars" is all that great an idea. I mean, three breasts is a viable fetish. Three cheeks? Not so much.

The following is NSFW, if you couldn't tell.

On cromulence

Last Sunday was the big 20th anniversary celebration of The Simpsons. I remember hearing about it a couple weeks back and thinking, "Huh, I used to write stuff about that show." It came with the blog name, after all.

Then I realized I haven't actually sat down to watch a new episode in at least two seasons. Maybe once or twice a month I'll catch a rerun, but only if it's pre-Season 11 or so. And that's pretty rare. Like most activities requiring the ability to sit down interrupted for 30 minutes, my TV viewing has been largely truncated by the demands of miniature house apes.

Hell, it took 20 minutes just to write those two paragraphs.

I wish I had more time to write here, really (to think, I once had literally *hundreds* of readers a day). Unfortunately, cash money is once again the priority. The Houston Press blogs take up most of my "pop culture related smart-assery" these days, and I am also (honest) currently working on a couple of honest-to-Jebus writing projects that I hope to have in shape to pitch in a few months.

This is where I first started boring people unmercifully honing my craft, however, so I feel genuine regret at letting the place fall into disrepair. I mean, seriously: how long has that To Serve Man pic been up there? Someone should write a strong letter of protest.

But I have no intention of abandoning the site entirely. My own sense of masochism wouldn't abide the thought of losing all those embarrassing entries from 2003 and 2004. And since my blog hosts Ginger and Michael graciously allow APCB to clutter up their hard disk without justifiably asking me to compensate them, I guess I'll stick around, even if it's just in the form of reposted Press crap.

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