A Perfectly Cromulent Blog

"Once you get twelve miles out, there's no laws at all. That's where they held the Tyson-Secretariat fight."

Silly Cedric, Lake Travis isn't international waters:

Former Longhorn running back Cedric Benson said he is innocent.

He was charged with Boating While Intoxicated (BWI) charges along with the resisting arrest charges on Lake Travis Saturday night.

Benson was arrested after a Lower Colorado River Authority officer said he failed a sobriety test.

Benson was operating a 30 foot boat with 15 passengers on it when he was randomly checked for a safety inspection.

It's unclear if the police were alerted to the presence of monkey knife fights aboard the boat.

But wow...15 people? I was on a 32-footer last week with four guys and we oft times had to maneuver in close quarters. Then again, we were usually casting from the same side of the boat.

Police said they used pepper spray to get Benson to a Travis County deputy's car.
[...]
Benson was the fourth pick in the 2005 draft.

As a fan of both the Longhorns and the Bears, I'm pretty qualified to describe Benson as a bust. In three seasons, he has less than 1,500 yards rushing and ten touchdowns. Unfortunately, as golden an opportunity as this is to cut him loose, the Bears would take a $6 million salary cap hit if they did so.

And however will they re-sign Cade McNown if that happens?

Is Michael Strahan gonna have to choke a...

Oh, never mind. I never was much for caption contests:

My only regret about the Giants winning the Super Bowl is that I didn't listen to my gut and put some money on them. And that I didn't bet the under on the number of times Joe Buck said "Peyton Manning."

No really, it's great that New York has another championship. It's been way too long.

The Goober Bowl

Here commenceth what is most likely APCB's last NFL-related post of the year.

The prospect of another Manning in the Super Bowl is about as welcome a concept as a school of candiru fish interrupting my hot tub rendezvous with Carla Gugino, but there it is:

Eli, the baby of the Manning quarterback clan, finally has arrived.

And he's taking the New York Giants on yet another road trip -- to Glendale, Ariz., site of the Super Bowl.

Manning repeatedly put the Giants in position to win the NFC championship Sunday, and when Lawrence Tynes came through at last with a 47-yard field goal in overtime, New York had itself an improbable 23-20 victory over the Green Bay Packers at frostbitten Lambeau Field.

Now comes Mission Impossible: beating the undefeated New England Patriots in two weeks in a Super Bowl matchup hardly anyone saw coming.

"We haven't been given a shot, but we're here and I think we're deserving of it," Manning said. "Right now I'm excited as I can be."

[...]

Eli's arrival comes one year after older brother Peyton won a Super Bowl for the Indianapolis Colts, earning MVP honors to boot. Peyton stayed away Sunday, but father Archie was on hand for the biggest moment of his youngest son's career.

That Archie was a real trooper. On each of the 800 times the camera showed him in the box, he was burying his head in his hands. Until the Giants won, of course, when he was front and center. Sir Not Appearing On This Blog and I were able to temper our disappointment by rewinding to this point in Fox's broadcast:

Just so you know, my plans for my impending 40th birthday involve attending a Bears game in Soldier field in December. I couldn't decide if I was going to go shirtless, or make everyone with me do it, but having seen these ladies give their all in subzero temperatures, I may have to ratchet my exploits up to full nudity.

Anyway, I found myself explaining to The Wife just how Manning came to play for the Giants, following his drafting by San Diego and the subsequent trade they made with New York for Philip Rivers. Someone else commented how Archie had advised Eli that San Diego would be bad for his career. This was when I loudly opined that if there's anybody in a worse position to offer guidance on playing for a winning team, it's Archie Manning, who - in 13 pro seasons - never played for a team with a winning record. Without two freak sons, the guy would be Dan Pastorini. Obviously it hasn't worked out badly for Eli, but he certainly could've been forgiven for telling his old man to jam it crossways back in '04.

And that was after only three Dogfish Head IPAs.

And now, because the Red Sox-Yankees rivalry doesn't get enough coverage each year, we now have a Big Apple-Boston Super Bowl. I'm a guy who bitches about East Coast media bias as much as anyone, but when Boston has had two World Series titles in three years, the Patriots are one win away from going 19-0, and the Celtics are running away with the East...it's tough to complain about the relative lack of Houston sports coverage.

And so, in the interest of blatant bandwagoneering, I'm going to go ahead and root for the Pats. For one thing, I'm sick of the '72 Dolphins. For a while there I thought I might be able to just wait them out - professional football players don't have very long lifespans, after all - but I'm no longer as patient as I once was. I'll probably be eating my words when Randy Moss and Richard Seymour are popping corks on the sidelines in 2040, but for now, shut those old bastards up.

That, and the younger Flanders bores me. He has two expressions; there's Confounded Manning - which we see right before he calls a timeout because the defense has thrown a scheme at him he can't figure out, and there's Pouty Manning, who usually emerges right after he throws a pick. The guy's 6'4" and every time they show him in close-up he looks like a kid who was just told by his father that it's wrong to kick dogs.

Finally, can you imagine the sheer tonnage of Manning-related commercials if that twerp wins the championship? Those Oreo commercials are excruciating enough, but put the two of them in a Levitra ad and the football advertising circle would truly be complete.

We'll see come Sunday. In the meantime, I'll probably try to ignore SportsCenter for the next week, and limit my pregame viewing on Sunday to six hours or so.

The NFL season has now been rendered meaningless

And not because New England beat the Giants to go 16-0, though it was a mostly entertaining game (as is always the case when a Manning loses), or because the Texans and Bears are out of playoff contention, but because I lost the title game in my fantasy football league.

My team, the "Sucking Chest Wounds," cruised through the early part of the season. An injury to Steven Jackson was offset by the acquisition of Ronnie Brown, and picking up Derek Anderson and Mason Crosby proved fruitful. Even after Brown went down, SJ started picking back up. I finished the season 9-4, earning a first round bye.

The guy everyone figured to win it all - he had both Tom Brady and Randy Moss - went down in the semifinals thanks to inclement weather. I stomped my opponent 132-57 in the second to last game, and right away I knew I was screwed. The dude who beat Brady/Moss had Donovan McNabb, who once again waited until the Eagles were out of contention to have the best game of his season. Jackson and Marion Barber did all right for me, but I would've needed 20 points from Denver TE Tony Scheffler last Monday night, and considering he put up 16 against Houston the week before, well, that kind of lightning rarely strikes twice.

So congratulations to the..."Ass Thrashers." I still won my entry fee back, thus allowing me to justify continued participation to The Wife.

Vegas Part IV will be up tomorrow.

Todd Sauerbrun is an idiot

I had the opportunity today to sit and watch an entire NFL game for the first time all season: an epic match-up pitting my offensively-challenged Bears against the Denver Broncos. Before kickoff, there was much discussion of comments made by Denver punter Todd Sauerbrun regarding Chicago's feared return man Devin Hester:

Some teams kick out of bounds against the Chicago Bears and dangerous returner Devin Hester. Others squib kick to avoid giving Hester a chance at a big play.

Denver punter Todd Sauerbrun said he doesn't think the Broncos are going to avoid kicking to Hester this Sunday.

"We're not worried at all," Sauerbrun said. "We respect the hell out of him, don't get us wrong. Absolutely. But we're not going to go out there tiptoeing around."

Hester has returned five punts and three kickoffs for touchdowns in his two seasons. Hester has broken long returns despite many efforts to keep the ball out of his hands.

"I think we've seen it all," Bears coach Lovie Smith said.

Sauerbrun said special teams coach Scott O'Brien's style is not to kick away from a player.

"We're not going to do it," Sauerbrun said.

As of this writing, Sauerbrun is officially a goat. Hester returned a punt and a kickoff for TDs, and on both plays, Sauerbrun slipped on the wet Soldier Field turf and Hester either blew right by him or - in one memorably embarrassing move - jumped right over him. If not for Grossman coughing the ball up twice and the Chicago receiving corps dropping half a dozen passes in the middle of the game, the Bears would have won this outright instead of having to rely on a desperate late drive to send the game into overtime.

Aaaaaand Da Bears win on a field goal in OT. Nice game. Don't feel bad Todd, you're not the first German to put his foot in his mouth. Believe me.

"We interrupt this public affairs program to bring you a football game."

Then again, if you live in the Houston area, maybe The McLaughlin Group would've been preferable to what the NFL was offering yesterday:

Anyone else reminded of the map showing the returns from the 1984 Presidential election?

So everyone in the Texans viewing area got to watch two squads with a combined five wins instead of the battle of the last two undefeated teams. Assuming you didn't do like every other right-thinking human being and just go to a sports bar in the first place.

Or, if you were like me, you were stuck in an airport and got to watch one offensive series all day (while queuing up for boarding). So quit your bitching.

The College Game Night of Long Knives

Ouch.

Underdog campuses were fired up all over America on Insanity Saturday. They were also fired up in Auburn, Ala. And in Manhattan, Kan. And College Park, Md. And Tampa, Fla., too.

The students in those locales had reason to party after their teams upset top-10 teams this weekend. Down went No. 3 Oklahoma to Colorado, No. 4 Florida to Auburn, No. 7 Texas to Kansas State, No. 10 Rutgers to Maryland, and on Friday, No. 5 West Virginia to South Florida.

Throw in upset losses by No. 13 Clemson and No. 21 Penn State and even first-half deficits for big dogs USC and LSU against Washington and Tulane, respectively, and you have Insanity Saturday.

My momentary glee at OU losing on a last minute field goal from Colorado was quickly erased by UT's embarrassing defeat at the hands of Kansas State. Once again, the Big 12 is a joke, and the Red River Rivalry Shoot-Out is an afterthought.

We watched the last half of the Texas-KSU game at OU fan Sir Not Appearing On This Blog's house, and we realized the College Game Day bus would no longer be making a stop in Dallas, but zipping right by on I-20 on its way to Baton Rouge for LSU-Florida, itself a game that has lost some of its oomph.

At least Notre Dame is still winless.

"Springfield A&M is a cow college."
"You're just saying that because it was founded by a cow."

That "Big and Rich" intro to ESPN's College Game Day might be the worst thing I've ever seen. It's five minutes later and my gorge only now stopped rising.

Then again, the only reason to watch this dumb ass show in the first place - aside from She Who Shall Not Be Named deciding to take a two hour playtime between 3 and 5 AM, allowing me to watch something on Saturday morning not Backyardigans or Barefoot Contessa related since the late 20th century - is to see if anybody can sneak another Lee Corso sign into camera range.

I missed Miami's 34-17 defeat of Texas A&M Thursday night cause I was at the Resident Evil: Extinction screening (review here). On one hand, I could've watched the loathsome Hurricanes manhandling the no-longer 20th ranked Aggies, on the other I had Milla Jovovich slaying zombies with Gurkha knives. I'm comfortable with my choice.

I sympathize with A&M fans, however. If there's one thing I can agree about with my Big 12 rivals, it's that Miami sucks. And they can take comfort in the fact that this defeat, potentially crippling to their conference title hopes (which, let's be honest, weren't that great to begin with), wasn't nearly as embarrassing as the pasting we suffered at Miami's hands in the 1991 Cotton Bowl, a game I was supposed to attend after driving up to Dallas for New Year's Eve. I had to work, so I stayed in Austin, getting drunk by myself and making the not-at-all regrettable decision to hook up with my neighbor. That made for a comfortable rest of my lease, let me tell you.

Anyway, I woke up after noon, turned the game on and - seeing we were behind by something like 20 points in the first quarter - turned the TV off and went back to bed.

Speaking of Miami, Oklahoma slaughtered Tulsa last night. Not having seen all their games so far won't prevent me from predicting an OU-USC (or possible OU-Rutgers) title game. It also won't stop me from taking the over on Longhorn turnovers. I'm thinking McCoy gets picked off twice and Charles fumbles at least once.

Notre Dame has been outscored 102-13 so far this season. I hope Regis helped.

Finally, I'd be remiss if I didn't mention UT running back James Henry becoming the the sixth Longhorn player arrested this year. Henry was pinched for obstruction and tampering with evidence, which is pretty impressive for a freshman.

"Ruprecht, do you want the genital cuff?"

Checking in from Maine to register my, uh, outrage at this story (via WithLeather):

An Oklahoma City man has been charged with aggravated assault and battery, accused of causing extensive damage to another man's scrotum just because he wore a University of Texas shirt into a local bar.

Allen Michael Beckett, 53, has not been arrested on the felony charge, which was filed Monday in Oklahoma County District Court. It carries up to five years in prison if he is convicted.
[...]
Thomas said Beckett, whom he had never met, called him "everything under the sun" for wearing a Longhorns T-shirt into [Henry Hudson's Pub].

He said he and his friend sat at a table in the corner and tried to ignore the other man, but other man -- who apparently is a University of Oklahoma fan -- kept screaming at him.

Thomas said he decided he'd had enough after about 20 minutes of Beckett's abuse so he went to the bar to pay his tab. When he turned around, he said Beckett grabbed his crotch and refused to let go.

Thomas hit the other man several times before several bar patrons intervened, but Thomas said Beckett didn't let go until Thomas heard his scrotum tear and blood ran down his leg.

I've seen my share of violence between fans of both of our proud, felon-spawning institutions, including some choice altercations in the stands in Dallas during the '80s, and one brawl in our hotel that required several dozen riot police to break up. I don't recall seeing/experiencing any scrotum tearing, but I'm usually more concerned with making sure my beer doesn't spill (during the hotel brawl I was sitting with two 60-something Sooner fans in the lobby, drinking beer and sharing commentary about the shame of the younger generation).

Hell, one of my best friends is one of those obnoxious OU fans who has a "Stoops for President" bumper sticker and a football autographed by Barry Switzer, and I still let him in my home. Occasionally.

Thomas, who grew up a Texas fan, said it took more than 60 stitches to close his wound.

Finally, check out the sponsored link on that page:

I'd advise everyone going to Dallas this October to wear a cup. Even the ladies.

Idiosaurus Rex

I don't care that there are ten minutes left. I'm going to go watch the episode of Rome we're recording on the other TV. How Lovie Smith hasn't put Griese in over the Worst Super Bowl Quarterback of all time is beyond me.

Even more infuriating is that Flanders is going to get a ring because nobody slipped a mickey in Grossman's Gatorade at halftime.

Buck Fush

That's "Reggie" Bush, in case anyone was under the mistaken impression that this is a subtle political post.

I gave lip service last week to how, as a Bears fan, I wouldn't be overly upset if the Saints went. Not becase they "were due" or because I think they deserve it post-Katrina, but because I think it'd make the Texans' drafting Mario Williams #1 over Bush (or Young) that much more hilarious.

Then this happened:

This after unwisely taunting a pursuing Brian Urlacher during his 88-yard TD run. I should've known better than to even obliquely wish good things for someone who went to USC. Happily, Bush was largely ineffectual aside from that TD, and Urlacher and company kept pretty boy Drew Brees on the run for most of the game. I'm still not happy with Grossman, but maybe Chicago can pull it off.

And the victory was made that much sweeter by how it demonstrated just how little brain mass it takes to be a sports analyst:

Oh Thesimann…I wonder how much Urlacher would charge to break the other leg.

Bowled over

So I'm sort of bound by the rules of my alma mater to cheer for Boise State in the Fiesta Bowl, as they're playing the hated Sooners. Plus, how can you not? Then again, it'd be nice if the Big 12 made a more impressive bowl showing than 3-4 so everyone can stop saying how weak the conference is. Regardless of who wins, that last scoring play for the Broncos has made this one of the more entertaining games I've seen.

Not counting last year's Rose Bowl, of course.

And I'm extremely happy I'm not currently at my friend's house (the one who went to OU) right now to witness his mutiple heart attacks.

EDIT: Holy shit, they won on a 2-point conversion. Outstanding.

Charity Bowl '06

It should be common knowledge to anyone who reads APCB with middling frequency (which is about the only kind anyone does read this blog with anymore) that I attended the University of Texas. What might be less well-known is that The Wife went to that Other school, Texas A&M, which never fails to make Thanksgiving weekend an interesting affair at the Vonder Haar compound.

Of late, things have been pretty good for my side. It doesn't matter that Texas is 73-35-5 all time against the Aggies, as with all rivalries, records and rakings go out the window on game day (just ask USC this year), just like it didn't matter that the Longhorns were masters of their own destiny in the Big 12 at kickoff. By the time the final whistle had blown, A&M had won 12-7.

Disappointing? Perhaps, but the Aggies have been suffering since 1999. That was the year, you may recall, that the bonfire fell, killing 12 students. I maintained then, and still do to this day, that the '72 Dolphins wouldn't have had it in them that day to beat A&M, much less the (at the time) #5 ranked Longhorns. Hence, our second most recent loss.

So rather than concentrate on Texas' lack of motivation following the loss to Kansas State, or the disquieting feeling that Colt McCoy might be more Peter Gardere than Bobby Layne, I prefer to think that this year's loss was yet another in a fine tradition of granting pity wins to the Aggies. Sure, you can choose to believe that Fran will stick around to see out his contract, and Jorvorskie Lane won't drop dead of a heart attack in five years, and the Aggies won a game that meant an equal amount to each team. Whatever. Just enjoy it, because it'll be back to business as usual next year.

But wow did McCoy look bad.

Awesome game

Certainly, there was some nervousness going into last night's big football game. Both teams were highly ranked, and both were looking all the way to the the end of the season and a possible championship run. There was also plenty of speculation that, after losing some key players, my alma mater wouldn't be able to pull it off.

It was a nailbiter, with many turnovers and some poor decision making, but I'm happy to say my boys were able to eke out a victory and go to 2-0 on the season. Nicely done.

I'm talking about #4 A&M Consolidated's 17-14 victory over Leander, of course. What game were you guys watching?

Super Blow

Maybe it was because this was the first Super Bowl we watched at home with no attendant festivites in the last...ten years or so, but the game seemed pretty lackluster. Unless you like arguing the officiating, I guess. My take on a few calls:

1. I honestly thought Roethlisberger was in on the bootleg TD in the 1st half. The replay appeared to show the ball breaking the plane before he was knocked back.

2. I can't remember if Jackson's foot hit the pylon before or after he went out of bounds or not. My recollection is that he'd already stepped out.

3. That reverse halfback TD pass to Ward was pretty sweet.

4. I know the one TD for Seattle was called back after holding, which I'm seeing a lot of people question. For the record, I counted at least five plays where Seattle could've been called for holding and never got flagged.

5. The personal foul on Hasselbeck after he was picked off was bullshit.

6. "Bad" officiating or not, Seattle's time management at the end of both halves was stupefying. Four passes up the middle with under two minutes to go and no time outs? I realize they had no confidence in their kicker after two missed FGs, but come on.

Maybe the refs were Aggies.

Happily, I had no money on the game. I say "happily" because I probably would've bet on Seattle, but my marriage to a die-hard Steelers fan put the kibosh on that.

Oh, and: Worst. Commercials. Ever. The only marginally entertaining one was the one for Michelob Ultra Amber ("You were open, but now you're closed.") and the V for Vendetta trailer.

The stars at night, are big and bright...

National fucking Champions, baby:

Thirty six years in waiting. Texas won tonight's Rose Bowl and the national championship in a spectacular 41-38 comeback win over USC.

Quarterback Vince Young was the difference-maker, scoring the winning touchdown in the dying seconds en route to a 200-yard rushing performance. With nineteen seconds on the clock, Young made a 9-yard dash count and added the two-play for good measure to seal the win.

I admit, I didn't have a lot of hope about the outcome of this game. I am happy to say I was amazingly wrong. Here's hoping Vince Young stays another year, and that I have at least that long to rub it in to my OU and A&M friends.

Hook 'em Horns.

"You've got to hold the football like you would hold your lover. Gently, yet firmly. You wanna be both nurturing and clinging at the same time. Oh, yes."

I'm not talking much about the fact that the Longhorns are playing for the national title against USC this week in the Rose Bowl. I'm keenly aware of how hard it's going to be to beat Reggie Bush and Matt Leinart in what is essentially a home game for Southern Cal, but more importantly, I don't believe any Trojan fans read APCB, so what would be the point?

I will submit two data points, however:

1. I reenacted the Rose Bowl on NCAA Football 2006 (thanks Father-In-Law) for the Xbox this week, and the Longhorns - led by a phenom freshman halfback with the same last name as the writer of this blog - beat USC soundly, 34-17.

2. Then there's the issue of the recent injury to Texas QB Vince Young:

Are you fucking kidding me? How is going to throw with his hand like that?

Then again, it can't really hurt his form.

Hero or the Goat

That was some choke job by the Houston Texans yesterday, who were leading the Rams 24-3 at halftime, only to end up losing 33-27 in overtime. It wasn't on the scale of the then-Oilers' 32-point collapse against the Bills in the 1993 AFC Wild Card game, but it was pretty bad. On the bright side, Houston remains #1 in the Reggie Bush sweepstakes.

And on a rare day when I actually watched some of the games, I took some measure of unhealthy glee from watching Jay Feely miss not one, not two, but three (ah ah ah) field goals - one at the end of regulation and two in overtime - to allow the Seahawks to beat the Giants. It wasn't because I picked Seattle (the guy who's going to win the pick 'em league this week will have 15 out of 16 correct if Indy wins tonight, I'll "only" have 14), but because any loss by a team with overrated lunkhead Jeremy Shockey and petulant hillbilly Eli Manning is a Good Thing.

Finally, I realize my prediction of a Texas blowout of A&M was a little...off, but a win's a win. I don't anticipate as big a problem in the Big 12 Championship in what will essentially be a home game for the Longhorns against Colorado. That just leaves the Rose Bowl, which will be pretty much a home game for USC.

I may be breaking the whiskey out early during that one.

Was he lying?

I can hear the Aggie faithful convulsing in rage over the latest words from Texas QB Vince Young:

Vince Young calls A&M’s fans “drunks.” Fortunately for Vince, that’s what A&M’s players and coaches have performed like this season. Especially at home.

As a 10-year resident of College Station, who has spent more evenings at Duddley's Draw, the Dixie Chicken, the Tap, and - yes - the Hall of Fame and Denim & Diamonds than I care to admit...you are a bunch of drunks. Then again, so are the Longhorns. If anything, Young is guilty of hypocrisy, not dishonesty.

Texas by 30. Hook 'em Horns.

HALFTIME UPDATE: Okay, so I may have to revise that prediction.

Oh, and in reply to this:

USC-Penn State for the BCS title. Besides, the Rose Bowl ought to be Big Ten-Pac Ten anyway.

Penn State's loss to a powerhouse 7-5 Michigan team kinda puts the kibosh on that plan. Too bad JoePa can't play Central Michigan and Illinois every game.

Uh, what?

The Longhorns were never really in any danger against Texas Tech last weekend. 53-some odd points a game don't mean much when your schedule largely consists of 1-AA teams (or those that might as well be), so the 52-17 victory was nice, but unsurprising.

Can't say the same for this, however:

In a huge surprise, Texas leapfrogged USC to take the top spot in the new Bowl Championship Series standings released Monday.

Last week, the Trojans held the top spot with a BCS average of .9923, but they slipped to .9756 even after routing the Huskies on the road, 51-24.

The Longhorns, who had been at .9591, moved up to .9763 to claim the top spot after routing Texas Tech at home, 52-17.

USC remained a comfortable No. 1 in both the Harris Interactive and USA Today polls, two of the BCS standings' three components, but had a computer average of just .940 compared to Texas' 1.00.

The .0007 margin between the teams is the slimmest difference between the top two teams in BCS standings history. The last time a team dropped from the top spot without losing was on November 16, 2002, when Miami overtook Ohio State.

The Red Raiders' inflated #7 BCS ranking obviously helped, but come on. I may be a Texas alum and fan, but I've seen USC play. Until somebody beats the Trojans, knocking them out of the #1 spot is pretty questionable.

Anyway, it won't last. Three of USC's remaining opponents are in the top 25 (including #8 UCLA). None of UT's are.

And I'm still surprised Texas didn't get the NCAA death penalty for that stupid Tommy Lee Jones movie.

Pigskin ponderings

The Good
After five straight losing years, the Longhorns finally get a win vs. the Sooners (in the Red River Shootout, thank you very much). It would've been nice to beat them with a healthy Adrian Petersen playing, but I'll take it. The monkey is off Mack Brown's back, and now he can concentrate on how to keep Virginia Tech from taking over the #2 spot.

The Bad
I'm winning by 20-odd points in my fantasy league this week, but the other guy has three players left, including Drew Brees and Antonio Gates. Looks like I'll be dropping to 3-2.

The Ugly
In my pick 'em league, I managed a weak 5 out of 13. I could up that to a whopping 6 if San Diego wins. And hope Tomlinson scores all their points.

On a non-football note, congrats to the Houston Astros for making the NLCS. Hope you guys are all rested up by Wednesday.

Finally, I found it hard to believe that on a day when temperatures in Houston topped out at 82, both Reliant Stadium and Minute Maid Park had their roofs closed. What's the point of retractable roofs if not to have them open on gorgeous days like yesterday?

And before anyone calls me a hypocrite, I watched (well, fast-forwarded) the Texans game on DVR after spending the afternoon at the Greek Festival.

So what did we learn?

I spent a good portion of last night's UT-OSU game lying across my coffee table in supplication to the spirits of football to look favorably upon my prideful quarterback so that he might wring a victory out in front of yet another stadium full of people who think it's somehow psychologically damaging to make the inverted "Hook 'Em Horns" sign. Happily, they complied, as Texas pulled it off against the Buckeyes, 25-22.

As for the title of this entry, here's what I learned:

1. A.J. Hawk is a hell of a player. No taunting, no dancing, he just happened to be involved in just about every stop, and dogged Vince Young all night.

2. Mack Brown does some stupid shit. He panics. I don't know what the point of that cutesy botched reverse was in the 3rd quarter, after Young has opened the field up nicely with two good pass plays, but he needs stick with the game plan.

3. Contrary to the OSU defense's wishes, and in spite of some bad decisions of his own, Young is very much a Heisman candidate. My biggest fear, after the first quarter of last night's game, was that the guy is starting to believe his own hype.

4. If Texas has managed to pin OSU down a few times inside the 20, this game wouldn't have been close. Neither of the QBs Tressell trotted out was very effective at moving the ball, but they were able to nickel and dime some field goals out of it.

5. Nobody's probably going to be able to beat USC anyway, but I like UT's chances of getting to the title game a lot better now.

6. The Big 10 officially sucks. All of their top 10 teams (OSU, Michigan, and Iowa) lost yesterday.

7. Oklahoma is officially in trouble. Adrian Peterson is great, but lack of any passing game whatsoever is going to bite them on the ass here in the next month or so.

Sorry I didn't get back to you yesterday, basshole. I was at a softball tournament and didn't check e-mail.

Not so final fantasy

I just realized that I'm spending a lot of money on this football thing. There's the Fanball league, and the pick 'em league, and a couple others I'd rather not discuss on a site The Wife reads. All told, it's starting to add up. I can sort of justify it because, since the coming of The Child, I really don't have a lot of time to spend money on those things what formerly brought me leisure time enjoyment, such as comic books, video games, and high-grade Peruvian blow.

Anyway, the big problem with fantasy football in the internet age is the sheer volume of advice, analysis, and uninformed bullshit out there. Back when I started doing this, you had some magazines and the occasional segment on ESPN. Now, there are sites calculating every possible variable, just so you can sound all erudite when you say things like, "Moss may dog it across the middle, but he's going to free up a lot of coverage for Whitted and Curry."

Since my time is so valuable, I have to limit my research to a few key sources, and while they he isn't exactly the source for daily updates, this guy is pretty hilarious:

Peyton [Manning] is a dumb rube and from the second the dusty seed of his father found purchase, it was decided that his male brood would be raised with the singular purpose of becoming football players and hopefully achieving the zenith of success that eluded their old man (See: Earl Woods). I can see it now-Peyton miraculously figures out how to defeat the Patriots and reaches the Superbowl, making quick work of some shitbomb NFC team that won their division with an 8-8 record [Vikings and Packers in unison: Hey, fuck you!]. As he finally hoists the Lombardi trophy over his head, the lights go out and a sinister cackle is heard-Archie Manning flies in on a hoverboard and swipes the prize from his son's hands and as he flies off he drops a pumpkin bomb, vaporizing his now useless son.

That's funny on a number of levels, and not just because I have Peyton Manning in my keeper league.

A Red River runs through it

Football season's almost here, me hearties. For yours truly, that means bowel-clenching Sundays watching my fantasy team get pounded and nailbiting Saturdays hoping the Longhorns don't cough one up to Kansas. Imagine, then, my surprise to find this little tidbit nestled at the end of an article about UT's new defensive coordinator:

It also was announced Wednesday that the annual Texas-Oklahoma game will be called the SBC Red River Rivalry. The name change was announced as part of a new three-year sponsorship agreement with the two schools and SBC Communications Inc. The game formerly was known as the Red River Shootout.

The name change was aimed at political correctness and to coincide with this year's 100th meeting between the two teams, a UT official said.

You rotten, spineless bastards. I don't care that SBC attached themselves, remora-like, to the biggest game of the Big 12 season (sorry Ags). Hell, we should all be happy it's not the Cialis Boner Bowl. But you changed it from "Shootout" for what reason exactly? Are we trying to somehow convince the rest of the U.S. that people in Texas and Oklahoma don't own guns? I thought that was the only thing keeping all those Californians from moving in to take advantage of our lack of a state income tax.

Ah, who am I kidding? After the last five years, I'll just be happy if we can stop the bleeding in what has actually become the Annual Mack Brown Nutstomp. Oh, and I'm not looking forward to Sept. 10 against Ohio State, either.

Time to stock up on the Zantac.

Put up or shut up

For those not fortunate enough to reside in the great state of Texas, this Saturday is Texas-OU weekend, when the Longhorns and the Sooners meet up in Dallas for the annual Red River Shoot-Out, where they will be surrounded by thousands upon thousands of drunken boobs starting fights, setting things on fire, and generally behaving like complete idiots.

I miss college.

Much is at stake for both teams this year, as each are ranked in the top 5 (OU at #2, Texas at #5) and could use a victory on Saturday as a springboard to a run at a national championship (given the sorry state of the Big 12 North, I'm not too worried about Texas or OU winning the conference championship).

There's a lot at stake for Texas coach Mack Brown as well, who - should the Horns lose - would become just the third coach in UT history to lose to Oklahoma five years in a row. Frankly, if you cough up that many consecutive losses to your biggest rival, I think you've gotta go.

It isn't just OU, the Horns have been dismal under Brown in bowl games and against top 10 teams. He's had great recruiting classes, which ultimately mean nothing when you go 10-2 and end up in the Holiday Bowl. Again.

10-2, eh? Probably sounds like I shouldn't be complaining (especially to you Aggies), but there's no reason to accept an 0-fer in five games against Oklahoma. Stoops is a good coach, but not one of the all-time greats, and there's no excuse for the weird mind control powers he has over Brown. This game looks to be more evenly matched than recent years (meaning if we lose by less than 24 I should probably count my blessings), and with any luck, Texas can pull out a win.

Normally, we head over to a friend's house for a BBQ. Said friend also happens to be a rabid OU fan, which has made recent games (especially the one where I had to wear OU decals on my face) somewhat excruciating. This year, however, I will be about as far from anything Texas as you can get: New York. We're headed to Lawn Guy-land for a wedding, and I'll be scouting tomorrow for a sports bar within stumbling/taxi distance from the church where I can watch the game in my suit and UT baseball cap.

This also means APCB will be on hiatus until Monday. Feel free to check out the fine blogs over there on the right, and have a good weekend.

Go Cards. Hook 'em Horns.

REMINDER: Still taking bio submissions (see below). I'll accept them in the comments section or via e-mail (general_buck_vh@yahoo.com) through Sunday, and then I'll start putting the thing together. And thanks to everyone who's contributed so far.

"I sure do love that dog."
"I think it's a pig."
"Yeah."

Lucky, lucky Longhorns:

FAYETTEVILLE, Ark. (AP) -- Cedric Benson rushed for 188 yards and scored two touchdowns and No. 7 Texas took advantage of a late Arkansas fumble deep in Longhorns' territory to hold off the Razorbacks 22-20 on Saturday night.

The Longhorns turned their oldtime rivals back three times in the final 9:58 after Arkansas closed within two. Razorbacks quarterback Matt Jones gave up the crucial fumble and Texas recovered at the 8 with three minutes left.

Jones' desperation pass was intercepted on the game's final play.

Not even a game's worth of Mack Brown's unimaginative playcalling (Benson up the middle...repeat) and Vince Young's shaky passing could stop the 'Horns from backing into a W. The defense looked okay against the run, and eventually got it together to get a pass rush going, but - El Ced notwithstanding - the offense still looked shaky, and there's less than a month to go to the Red River Shootout. Six punts is simply unacceptable.

Still, I'll take it. I'll take it because I hate Arkansas and their penchant for celebrating every defensive stop (even after a 7-yard run by the opposing tailback) like they'd just sacked Osama bin Laden. And because they had three points they didn't earn after that weak call in the 4th quarter that gave the Razrobacks a pass completion on a trapped ball. And because I grew sick of all the discussion of what a laid-back Arkansas QB Matt Jones is. Here's a thought: maybe if he'd been a little more intense he wouldn't have thrown two picks and fumbled on the drive that should've given his team the lead.

And because Houston Nutt is a stupid name.

Finally, can we stop with the upside-down horns thing? I'd love to come right out and admit that the whole thing irritates me, but it doesn't. Rather, I'm perplexed that so many Texas opponents showcase their lack of creativity by simply inverting our hand sign. Not that there's any hurry, I suppose. Arkansas fans won't have to be making Top 25 banners anytime soon, and besides, those swine hats are really quite flattering.