A Perfectly Cromulent Blog

"Birth" defect

Since becoming aware of this "Birther" nonsense, I've been mostly successful in avoiding the occasional spittle-flecked call to "show the birth certificate," or the claims that Obama was somehow spirited into this country by Muslim blockade runners as part of their master plan to get an Arabian Candidate-style sleeper agent into the White House. As a result, I wasn't really sure who Orly Taitz was until a few months ago.

Short answer: she's a dentist/lawyer (obtained her law degree from an online university, but still passed the California bar) who filed a lawsuit on behalf of one Major Stephen Cook, who claimed Obama was not born in the U.S. and is therefore ineligible to serve as Commander in Chief. Her public appearances have, to a one, been absolute trainwrecks, and her numerous lawsuits have gone nowhere. This is why the sanctions imposed on her today by Judge Clay Land of the U.S. District Court for the Middle District of Georgia hardly come as a surprise:

U.S. District Judge Clay D. Land is not a happy man these days. Appointed to the U.S. District Court for the Middle District of Georgia by then-President George W. Bush, Land generally has pretty important matters to consider. But lately, he's been forced to deal with Orly Taitz, the rather eccentric lawyer-slash-dentist who's become the de facto leader of the Birthers. And he wants that to stop.

To that end, on Tuesday morning Land issued a lengthy order addressing Taitz's conduct and imposing a $20,000 sanction on her as punishment for her having repeatedly filed frivolous actions and motions.

The order, which can be downloaded in PDF form here, clocks in at 43 pages and is brutal, to say the least. Land clearly anticipates an appeal, and wants to lay out his case for imposing as large a sanction as he did in order to make the facts plain and a decision easy for the appeals court. It seems, too, that he might have done this with further sanctions against Taitz in mind; he forwarded his ruling to the bar in California, where Taitz is licensed to practice.

Land repeatedly points out Taitz's bad faith and lack of legal basis for her actions. Then it gets good:

At one point, Land also slams Taitz for having compared herself to the late Supreme Court Justice Thurgood Marshall, who successfully argued to end school segregation in the landmark Brown v. Board of Education case. Land writes:

Quite frankly, the Court is reluctant to even dignify this argument by responding to it, but it captures the essence of counsel's misunderstanding of the purpose of the courts and her misunderstanding of her own claims .... To suggest that an Army officer, who has received a medical education at the expense of the government and then seeks to avoid deployment based upon speculation that the President is not a natural born citizen, is equivalent to a young child, who is forced to attend an inferior segregated school based solely on the color of her skin, demonstrates an appalling lack of knowledge of the history of this Country and the importance of the civil rights movement. Counsel's attempt to align herself with Justice Marshall appears to be an act of desperation rather than one of admiration. For if counsel truly admired Justice Marshall's achievements, she would not seek to cheapen them with such inapt comparisons.

It's a good read, and not only for the repeated use of words like "frivolous," "arrogant," and "delusional." At the same time, I almost feel sorry for Taitz. I mean, when Ann Coulter calls you a crank, you've essentially become yet another example of the Dave Mustaine Paradox*, and that can't be fun.

*At what point does your loutish behavior cause your equally obnoxious bandmates to consider you a liability?

I can't decide which movie reference is more appropriate

Dune or Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome:

A massive dust storm swept through parts of Australia on Wednesday, bathing the city of Sydney in a reddish haze.

Susan Paget marveled at the eerie red view from the balcony of her apartment in Manly, a suburb of Sydney, and said she took the day off work to avoid the dust storm mess.

"It just feels dirty and rusty," Paget told CNN. "It was totally bizarre to wake up around 5:30 a.m. and see such a red bizarre sky."

A video Paget submitted to CNN's iReport showed thick haze, which made it difficult to see her neighbors' homes.

Health officials in Sydney warned residents to stay in indoors if possible, especially if they had asthma or heart and lung conditions.

The reddish haze in question:

But we've learned, by the dust of them all... Bartertown learned.

White cower

To quote the charming sentiments voiced after the 2000 elections: "You lost. Get over it."

Experts who track hate groups across the U.S. are growing increasingly concerned over violent rhetoric targeted at President Obama, especially as the debate over health care intensifies and a pattern of threats emerges.

The Secret Service is investigating a Maryland man who held a sign reading "Death to Obama" and "Death to Michelle and her two stupid kids" outside a town hall meeting this week. And in New Hampshire, another man stood across the street from a Presidential town hall with his gun on full display.

That was this guy:

I guess Obama would be the "tyrant," while Mr. Kostnic is the "patriot." Given the sidearm, and assuming he knows the full quote he's referring to (not an easy call), it looks like a call for murder-suicide. That takes a certain amount of integrity, I guess.

"I don't think these are simply people who are mentally ill or off their rocker," Mark Potok, director of the Intelligence Project at the Southern Poverty Law Center, told ABC News of those behind the threats. "In a very real sense they represent a genuine reaction, a genuine backlash against Obama."

Apparently irrational racism bordering on paranoia doesn't merit a mention in the DSM-IV.

Experts say a sharp growth in so-called militia groups that helped spawn a wave of domestic terrorism in the 1990s - and are now using YouTube, rock music and the internet to recruit members and spread hate and fear - shouldn't be ignored.

"It's certainly a scary time," said former FBI agent Brad Garrett, now an ABC News consultant. Garrett said the Secret Service "cannot afford to pass on anyone," and he believes "they really do fear that something could happen to [Obama]."

Garrett said statements like one recently made by controversial radio host Rush Limbaugh comparing a logo for the White House plan to a Nazi symbol "legitimizes people who are on the edge to go do something or say something."

"And if you go and take a look at this, you will find that the Obama health care logo is damn close to a Nazi swastika logo," Limbaugh said.

Later, someone painted a swastika outside the office of Congressman David Scott of Georgia, one of Obama's supporters.

Nazis, eh? Fine, here's an exercise for anyone who really wants to run with this stuff: write me a 500-word essay that uses the phrases "Reichstag Fire" and "yellowcake uranium." Bonus points will be awarded for comparing smoking guns to mushroom clouds.

Speaking of mental illness, how out of touch with reality do you have to be to listen to Rush Limbaugh?

While officials told ABC News that the President's daily threat matrix has yet to reflect a sharp increase in threats, White House officials privately admit deep concern and have told the Secret Service to keep security tight, even if Obama objects.

"I think the president has, in effect, triggered fears amongst fairly large numbers of white people in this country that they are somehow losing their country, that the battle is lost," Potok told ABC News. "The nation that their Christian white forefathers created has somehow been taken from them."

Yeah, a Christian lawyer/career politician has been elected President. Your world will never be the same.

Word Association

Ever get suckered into playing that game where somebody asks you questions with the same answer then throws in a question with a slightly different sounding answer to make you look stupid? I think that's what CNN is doing:

Look for their "duck season/rabbit season" variation next.

Dear Sarah Palin

After watching your press conference, and listening to your rambling, disjointed, schizophrenic rationalization for bailing on your elected obligations as Governor, I have just one thing to ask: please...PLEASE run for President in 2012.

I'm completely serious. I'm not going to be getting out of the house much in 2011-12, and will be in desperate need of the hilarity a Palin campaign would provide.

Sincerely,
A Member of the American TV Viewing Public

"Tall and tan and young and lovely"

"The girl from [Argentina] goes walking:"

The attorney general of South Carolina on Tuesday asked the state law enforcement division to review Gov. Mark Sanford's travel records after the governor admitted to more visits with his mistress than previously disclosed.

"In light of the governor's disclosure of additional travel today, I have requested that SLED conduct a preliminary review of all Governor Sanford's travel records to determine if any laws have been broken or any state funds misused," Attorney General Henry McMaster said in a statement.

After returning last week from a secret trip to Argentina that his staff and wife didn't know about, the Republican governor admitted to an extramarital affair and said he had seen his mistress three times in the past year.

But he told The Associated Press on Tuesday he had met with Maria Belen Chapur seven times, including five visits in the past 12 months. Sanford also told the AP he'd "crossed lines" with other women, although Chapur was the only one he had sex with.

What constitutes "crossed lines" to Sanford, I wonder? Are we talking Clintonian definitions of "sex?" Did they hold hands? Talk dirty on his government friends and family plan? Did any of those emails start with "a/s/l?"

McMaster, a Republican, has so far been reluctant to move forward with calls for an investigation into Sanford, saying he is wary of mixing legal matters with political score-settling from longtime Sanford opponents.

McMaster is running for governor next year. His opponents say his hesitancy to investigate Sanford is meant to prevent a Sanford resignation, which would elevate Lt. Gov. Andre Bauer to the top office. Bauer, also mulling a run at the governor's mansion, would then be able to run as an incumbent in next year's race.

"There's been a lot of speculation and innuendo on whether or not public moneys were used to advance my admitted unfaithfulness. To be very clear:no public money was ever used in connection with this."

Sanford spokesman Joel Sawyer confirmed Tuesday that Sanford had met with his mistress more times than he originally admitted.

Two of the meetings in the past year included multiple-night stays in New York, Sanford told the AP. Sanford told the AP he met with Chapur a third time in New York on what was intended to be a goodbye visit. Sanford was accompanied by his spiritual adviser, the AP reported.

Sanford is certainly a cad for fooling around on his wife and a hypocrite for doing the same while embracing the GOP's crumbling "family values" platform and using Clinton's extracurricular activities as an excuse to call for his resignation, but this just proves Chapur wasn't too bright either. I mean, it isn't bad enough that he's being dishonest with his family and constituents to begin with, but he has to bring a wingman to help him break up with you? The last time I tried that was when I asked my friend to suggest to a girl I was dating that I was no longer interested. I was 16.

To Peenman's credit, he refused.

Sanford also told the AP of two nonromantic encounters, including their first meeting in 2001 in Uruguay and getting coffee in New York during the 2004 Republican National Convention.

"There was some kind of connection from the very beginning," he told the AP.

Since Sanford's admission last week, there have been growing calls for him to step down, with critics saying he's not able to steer the state out of its economic crisis.

Republican Larry Grooms, who is running for governor in 2010, told CNN Tuesday that Sanford "is incapable of leading because of his behavior."

Unlike many of his colleagues in the chamber, most of whom have remained silent on the resignation question, Grooms, a key conservative ally of the governor, has been a supporter of Sanford's fiscally conservative agenda in the Senate. But Grooms said he told Sanford by phone last Thursday that he thought the governor should resign. Sanford said he disagreed.

"He indicated he believed that his only chance for redemption was to stay in office," Grooms said. "To me that doesn't serve any purpose well. That doesn't serve the people. It's not about him; it's about governing the people of the state."

To be fair, what does he have to go home to? His wife already confirmed she had known about the affair and told him to break it off. Instead, he disappeared and was subsequently found out. Even if Jenny and the four AT&T bars are still living in the Governor's mansion...well, let's just say they're probably saving a lot on A/C bills.

But in all seriousness, I almost feel for the guy. True, he parroted the same social conservative garbage as the rest of his GOP cohorts, but maybe - like many pragmatic Southern politicians, perhaps - he never really bought into it, but had little choice other than to play by the political rules laid down by Republicans decades before. Maybe he went home every day to a wife and kids who never understood the real Mark Sanford, the Mark Sanford who dreamt of idle afternoons on the shores of Ilhabela, drinking daquiris and realizing long repressed desires a hemisphere away from the scrutiny and judgment of the puritan South.

Or maybe he's just another windbag politician who thought he could get away with it. Whatever. Just thought I'd give this "compassion" thing a shot.

Here come de judge

Reposted from Hair Balls

President Obama has nominated Sonia Sotomayor to replace David Souter on the Supreme Court. Now begins the long and -- hopefully -- entertaining confirmation process where we'll hear about her support of eugenics and that one time in high school she smoked clove cigarettes behind the band hall. As bad as all that sounds, at least the President didn't nominate any of the following:

5. Judge Arse -- Pink Floyd: The Wall (1982)

There's no place on the Supreme Court for a Justice who allows themselves to be moved by emotional pleas and third-hand accounts that are the equivalent of hearsay. Also, he's a giant butt.

4. Judge Reinhold (Judge Reinhold) -- Clerks: The Animated Series (2000)

Reinhold's rulings in Jay AKA The Letter "J" v. Quick Stop Enterprises are just the sort of thing that get high-profile cases thrown out on appeal. Luckily his mistakes were overshadowed by giant transforming robots and the surprise appearance of Tom Cruise.

3. The Magistrate (Hugh Griffith) -- Oliver! (1968)

It isn't the drinking that's the problem - truth be told, alcoholism was a requirement for serving in Victorian-era courts. No, the magistrate fails that most important of judicial litmus tests, grooming. Those eyebrows, that beard...he even makes Scalia look well-kept.

2. Judge Dredd (Sylvester Stallone) -- Judge Dredd (1995)

Dredd's really more of a Bush guy, given his utter contempt for the 4th, 5th, 6th, and 8th Amendments. Besides, we've already got Alito.

1. Judge Henry T. Fleming (John Forsythe) -- ...And Justice for All. (1979)

Jack Warden is more well-known as the ledge-dining, helicopter piloting Judge Francis Rayford, but Fleming is the one blackmailing Arthur Kirkland (Al Pacino) to defend him against rape charges, and also the guy who sends Kirkland's innocent client to prison on a technicality. "Out of order" indeed.

"I ain't got time to [cede]."

I hope everyone's been keeping up with former Minnesota governor Jesse Ventura's latest book promo tour/television blitzkrieg. Just in case you haven't, here are some highlights.

Fun with Sean Hannity:

At least they didn't get to Jesse's love of 9-11 conspiracy theories.

And here he is eviscerating Fox & Friends' Brian Kilmeade

I'd never even heard of this guy before. He reminds me of Kevin "Appeasement" James.

Finally, Elizabeth Hasselbeck brings a knife to a chaingun fight:

Ventura's proven himself to be a blowhard and a knucklehead* in a lot of ways, but obviously I think he's in the right on this. And let's not forget, the man is a goddamn sexual tyrannosaurus:

* For some reason, I'm unwilling to use harsher insults.

Remain calm

Patrick Swayze is still alive:

Patrick Swayze's publicist released a statement Tuesday morning denying reports of the actor's death. The Twitter microblogging network was ablaze Tuesday morning with reports that Swayze, 56 and suffering from pancreatic cancer, had died. Here's the release from publicist Annett Wolf:

"This is to confirm that Patrick Swayze did not pass away this morning contrary to severely reckless reports stemming from a radio station in Jacksonville, Fla. Patrick Swayze is alive, well and is enjoying his life and he continues to respond to treatment."

I have slagged the man in the past, and given poor reviews to his movies, but Red Dawn, Road House, and Point Break are three of the guiltiest of my guilty pleasures, and I - for one - am very happy the Swayz is still kicking.

Though I have started working on the memorial post...

"Sometimes love don't feel like it should, you make it
Hearst so good"

Hair Balls (the Houston Press blog) is doing a pretty bang-up job covering the layoffs taking place at the Houston Chronicle this week. And I'd say this even if I didn't, you know, write for them.

The Chron buried its own skeletal story and disabled comments on the website article, a decision I'd usualy applaud. 12% job cuts are usually big news in Houston (including a whopping 27% of the editorial staff). Even more so when so many of the choices are - from a local news coverage standpoint - pretty baffling.

- NASA reporter Mark Carreau
- Business reporter Bill Hensel Jr., who covered Continental Airlines
- Editorial board members Claudia Kolker and Veronica Bucio
- Oil beat reporter Lynn Cook
- Brazoria County beat reporter Richard Stewart
- All the college sports beat writers (Michael Murphy (UH), MK Bower (Rice), and Terrence Harris (TSU)
- Foreign/national desk editor Chris Shively
- Fashion/entertainment writer Clifford Pugh
- Religion writer Barbara Karkabi
- Book editor Fritz Lanham

No NASA reporter? No more local college sports coverage not provided by wire reports or unpaid bloggers? No coverage of the non-Metro Houston area? No non-white males on the Editorial board?

I had a Chron blog for about a year (some of you may remember it). It was a not-so subtle attempt to worm my way into the paper as a freelancer, which obviously didn't work. Those in charge politely assured me they'd love to have me come on board, but there just wasn't any money for freelancing. Debates about little white lies and the quality of my writing aside, it doesn't look like there's a lot of money for anything there anymore.

Jeff Cohen's and his fellow VPs' salaries aside, that is.

Save Shriner's Hospital

You'll forgive me if I eschew sarcasm for a moment to talk about the impending closure of Shriner's Hospital. This story from last week's Chronicle lays out the problem:

Shriners Hospital for Children-Galveston will suspend operations to cope with a $3 billion shortfall in the Shriners International endowment fund, the organization's president said Tuesday. Shriners is also suspending reconstruction of hospitals in Los Angeles and St. Louis, Mo., said Ralph Semb, president and chief executive officer of Shriners Hospitals for Children.

Semb said the 30-bed hospital in Galveston would not be closed permanently, but that operations would be suspended and an undetermined number of its about 200 employees laid off until financial conditions improved.

"You get to a point where you just can't afford to bleed anymore," Semb said. "We don't want to close anything, but we have to be fiduciarily responsible for the future of this organization."

The economic downturn and plunge in the stock market dramatically slashed the interest payments from the endowment that supports the 22 Shriners hospitals, he said.

The market decline has shrunk the fund to about $5 billion, which is not providing the $850 million needed annually to support the hospitals, Semb said.

All Galveston hospital employees will be paid through March 31, he said.

The hospital is the only pediatric burn center for the Gulf Coast region, including Latin America. It also provides care for spinal injuries and is one of the only places in the U.S. offering clinical services for cleft lip and palates.

Semb can't expect his laid-off employess to sit around until the economy gets better. These are highly trained and experienced people who will find employment elsewhere, meaning they won't necessarily be around when/if the hospital is up and running again. None of which is any help to children requiring ongoing care after suffering what are often horrifying injuries.

There was a meeting between Semb and Shriner's employees yesterday. It apparently didn't go too well:

It was a somber day for hundreds of Shriners Hospital employees and burn patients in Galveston. Many emerged from a nearly two-hour meeting with the CEO of the hospital feeling like they have lost everything, KPRC Local 2 reported Monday.

"They don't care. I'm feeling they don't care about lives or about the kids," said an emotional Diana Salinas, who has worked as a nursing assistant at Shriners for the past two years.

Her daughter was even more upset about the hospital putting so many people out of work after it was devastated by Hurricane Ike.

"I really feel what they're doing is inhumane. They're sort of taking the easy way out, kicking you while you're down," said Cindy Lu Salinas who is a patient care coordinator.

No one with Shriners Hospital would comment, but last week hospital administrator John Swartwout said that the emergency measure was being taken because Shriners had suffered as a result of Hurricane Ike and the downturn in the economy.
[...]
Meanwhile, some young burn patients and their families are trying to plan their next move.

Shriners officials have told them they could seek treatment at their facilities in Cincinnati and other cities.

Galveston Mayor Lyda Ann Thomas is heading to Washington next week, ostensibly to discuss transportation, but also to talk with Texas Congressfolk and Senators Cornyn and Hutchinson about more funding to rebuild.

Aside from calling your elected representatives and leaving a comment, I'm sort of at a loss about what we can do. And while I may not be a big city financial expert, but supporting a place like Shriner's certainly seems like a better use of taxpayer money than funneling more TARP funds to financial institutions that continue to give bonuses to their executives and shore up their market position rather than issue loans.

Picture of the day

From this Chronicle story about Obama suspending war crimes trials at Gitmo:

For my next trick, I will attempt to imitiate the commenters on the Chron web site without actually reading them first.

KillEmALL76 wrote:
now the muslins have a freind in the white house

LEAGUECITYBUBBA wrote:
Here's your CHANGE, libs! Maybe now these TERRORISTS will strap on their BOMBS and go to WASHINGTON!!!!

MightIsRight wrote:
....we have familys starving here in America and Husein would rather give Al Qeda a pardon.......

Sprinkled here and there with the odd person trying to explain rule of law and habeus corpus before giving up in disgust.

Duff be not proud

For a variety of work and daughter-related circumstances, I found myself at home watching the bulk of the Inauguration today. Part of me tried to maintain a detached demeanor while hearing about how we're going to: fix the economy/defeat our enemies/unite the country...while the other part of me couldn't peel the grin off his face watching the rough beast who's run our country into the ground for eight years, his hour come round at last, slouch off to Midland to be forgotten.

I'm not proud of this, but as Bush was boarding the helicopter that would whisk him and Laura off the oblivion, I mooned the TV. She Who Shall Not Be Named was nowhere around, I assure you. And I didn't even slap my cheeks.

Much.

I appreciated Obama's shout out to the "unbelievers," and that he actually mentioned science in his speech, and there was mention of sacrifice - something distinctly lacking in seven years of jingoistic bullshit and yellow ribbon stickers - and the fact that for the first time since...oh, 2002 or so I don't have to cough behind my hand when I'm overseas and someone asks me where I'm from. I hope he doesn't screw it up, and I hope we give him a chance to do something before piling on him.

Not that I'm very hopeful about that last part.

I demand a recount

Of my college GPA, that is:

Sleepy teenagers may not be able to help it, researchers say. Blame it on the early school start time and their circadian rhythms: the mental and physical changes that occur in a day.

Teenagers need eight to 10 hours of sleep, compared with the six to eight hours recommended for adults. Teenagers also tend to go to bed and wake later than adults. These biological tendencies clash with early morning high school schedules, leaving them sleepy in class.

Research conducted at the University of Kentucky in Lexington found that when Fayette County high schools delayed their start time by an hour, the percentage of students getting at least eight hours of sleep per night jumped from 35.7 to 50 percent.

The study, published Monday in the Journal of Clinical Sleep Medicine, surveyed 10,000 students in the Kentucky county before and after their schools changed the start time from 7:30 to 8:30 a.m.

I had and 8 AM Tuesday-Thursday Radio-Television-Film class the first semester of my freshman year at UT. It was in the Perry-Castaneda Library, directly across the street from Jester Dormitory, where I lived. I calculate my attendance at a robust 50%, which played a large part in my decision never to schedule another class that early again.

Thank heavens for the intrepid researchers at UK-Lexington, who have finally proven that my inability to drag my 18-year old ass less than a hundred yards to learn about Luis Buñuel and Harold P. Warren had nothing to do with staying up until 4 AM, smoking harmless tobacco, and debating the virtues of Norwegian metal while listening to Pink Floyd's Animals. Hooray for science.

The white man's burden

Think the U.S. military is having a tough time snagging new recruits? They've got nothing on the KKK:

Cynthia Lynch, 43, of Tulsa, Oklahoma, was fatally shot Sunday during an initiation ceremony in the woods of Louisiana, the St. Tammany Parish Sheriff's Office said.

Authorities say the suspects recruited Lynch over the Internet to join the Klan. They say she traveled from Oklahoma to Louisiana for the ceremony and was taken to a campsite near Sun, Louisiana, about 60 miles north of New Orleans.

On Sunday, the woman asked to be taken from the camp to a nearby town, and an argument ensued, culminating with [KKK leader Chuck] Foster fatally shooting Lynch, the sheriff's department said.

Some of the suspects then tried to conceal the killing by burning the woman's personal items, authorities said. Police received a tip about the killing and found the woman's body hidden under loose brush alongside a road, authorities said.
[...]
Foster, 44, was charged with second-degree murder. The others were charged with lesser crimes related to trying to conceal the killing.

Oswold said that the Klan group in Sun was very small and that most of the members were arrested.

And the lucky winners are:

Yowza. Lynch was probably hoping for a little more pomp and circumstance for her initiation than simply eating hobo chili in the bayou with the supporting cast of Trailer Park Boys. Still, you gotta feel for the Klan; we just elected a black man President who promptly picked a Jew as his Chief of Staff. Throw in a Mexican Secretary of State and a few Catholics and the remaining members of the KKK might spontaneously combust.

A man can dream.

UPDATE: The Guardian has more details on how these criminal masterminds were caught:

However, authorities were alerted after Foster's son and another member of the group went to a supermarket in the town of Bogalusa and asked how they could remove bloodstains from their clothes. The shop assistant recognised them and called police, who went to the scene and found five members of the group in the woods.

"The IQ level of this group is not impressive, to be kind," Sheriff Jack Strain told a news conference...

Ain't no party like an AIG party

'Cause an AIG party don't stop:

Even as the company was pleading the federal government for another $40 billion dollars in loans, AIG sent top executives to a secret gathering at a luxury resort in Phoenix last week.

Reporters for abc15.com (KNXV) caught the AIG executives on hidden cameras poolside and leaving the spa at the Pointe Hilton Squaw Peak Resort, despite apparent efforts by the company to disguise its involvement.

"AIG made significant efforts to disguise the conference, making sure there were no AIG logos or signs anywhere on the property," KNXV reported.

A hotel employee told KNXV reporter Josh Bernstein, "We can't even say the word [AIG]."

A company spokesperson, Nick Ashooh, confirmed AIG instructed the hotel to make sure there were no AIG signs or mention of the company by staff.

"We're trying to avoid confrontation, keep our profile low," said Ashooh. "Some of our employees have been harassed."

"What do they have to hide," asked Congressman Elijah Cummings (D-MD) who said he had been promised by AIG CEO Edward Liddy that the company would stop such "junkets."

"They came to us and said they were drowning and needed help. A person who is drowning doesn't jump up and start partying," said Congressman Cummings.

You were doing so well there, Elijah, and then you screwed up the metaphor. A better way to put it would have been, "A person who is drowing doesn't jump up and sodomize the person who threw them the life preserver with a five battery Maglite."

We saw the story on the news last night, and were barely finished rolling our eyes when ABC followed it up, unironically it would seem, with this piece:

Three years behind schedule and almost $360 million above budget, the Capitol Visitor Center prepares to open its doors to millions of tourists who now must endure long lines without food, restrooms or shelter to catch a glimpse of the halls of Congress.

The underground center, the largest single construction project in the Capitol's two-century history in terms of size and expense, is to open to the public on Dec. 2. The final cost of the project is put at $621 million, more than double the $265 million estimated cost had the center been completed on schedule in December, 2005.

And I'm driving an eight-year old car.

Thank god that's over

Now I can watch The Shield in peace.

Seriously, that was a classy concession speech by John McCain. I applaud him for that.

I don't applaud the fundamentalist war-mongers he sucked up to throughout this campaign however. Each and every one of those Hank Williams Jr.-listening douchenozzles in his audience booing him and chanting Palin's name can eat my ass.

Not to get all Lee Greenwood on you guys, but I'm proud to be American right now. I have no illusions that Obama is going to usher in a new Progressive Age, balance our budget, provide universal health care, and heal all of our nation's ills in one fell swoop, but I hope he'll be able to put together a coalition that will help him try to do so. I also think we've rarely been at a lower ebb than we have during the last eight years. This is - no bullshit - a great moment in our history.

And now that an African-American is the President-Elect of the United States, let me be the first to say I'm sick of being hassled by The Man.

EDIT: Damn, that dude gives a good speech. You made it. Now don't screw it up.

Empty threats

It's time to get our Alec Baldwin on and make ill-advised assertions about what we're planning to do if the election doesn't go our way. Use the following format:

I'm going to _________________ because ___________________________ .

For example, I'm going to smart smoking (again) because there won't be any Medicare to keep me alive in my 80s.

Or: I'm going to stop cleaning my cat's ears because we'll be eating our pets inside of six months.

Please submit you responses in the comments section. I'll be perusing them from my sofa cushion fort, where I'll be watching election returns with a fifth of Bushmills and about 400 mg of Thorazine.

She blinded me with stupid

Less than a day to go. I seriously doubt there are any "undecideds" reading APCB, mostly because I'm not convinced anyone who hasn't made their mind up yet at this point can read. But just in case, please take a moment to read this column by Christopher Hitchens and consider who you might be electing to the second most powerful office in the land:

In an election that has been fought on an astoundingly low cultural and intellectual level, with both candidates pretending that tax cuts can go like peaches and cream with the staggering new levels of federal deficit, and paltry charges being traded in petty ways, and with Joe the Plumber becoming the emblematic stupidity of the campaign, it didn't seem possible that things could go any lower or get any dumber. But they did last Friday, when, at a speech in Pittsburgh, Gov. Sarah Palin denounced wasteful expenditure on fruit-fly research, adding for good xenophobic and anti-elitist measure that some of this research took place "in Paris, France" and winding up with a folksy "I kid you not."

It was in 1933 that Thomas Hunt Morgan won a Nobel Prize for showing that genes are passed on by way of chromosomes. The experimental creature that he employed in the making of this great discovery was the Drosophila melanogaster, or fruit fly. Scientists of various sorts continue to find it a very useful resource, since it can be easily and plentifully "cultured" in a laboratory, has a very short generation time, and displays a great variety of mutation. This makes it useful in studying disease, and since Gov. Palin was in Pittsburgh to talk about her signature "issue" of disability and special needs, she might even have had some researcher tell her that there is a Drosophila-based center for research into autism at the University of North Carolina.

Hitchens goes on to point out that McCain blocked plenty of funding for scientific research in the name of "anti-pork," including blocking a grizzly bear study in Montana (a move that may come back to bite him on the ass, ursine style). But he returns to the VP candidate soon enough:

With Palin, however, the contempt for science may be something a little more sinister than the bluff, empty-headed plain-man's philistinism of McCain. We never get a chance to ask her in detail about these things, but she is known to favor the teaching of creationism in schools (smuggling this crazy idea through customs in the innocent disguise of "teaching the argument," as if there was an argument), and so it is at least probable that she believes all creatures from humans to fruit flies were created just as they are now. This would make DNA or any other kind of research pointless, whether conducted in Paris or not. Projects such as sequencing the DNA of the flu virus, the better to inoculate against it, would not need to be funded. We could all expire happily in the name of God. Gov. Palin also says that she doesn't think humans are responsible for global warming; again, one would like to ask her whether, like some of her co-religionists, she is a "premillenial dispensationalist"--in other words, someone who believes that there is no point in protecting and preserving the natural world, since the end of days will soon be upon us.

Videos taken in the Assembly of God church in Wasilla, Alaska, which she used to attend, show her nodding as a preacher says that Alaska will be "one of the refuge states in the Last Days." For the uninitiated, this is a reference to a crackpot belief, widely held among those who brood on the "End Times," that some parts of the world will end at different times from others, and Alaska will be a big draw as the heavens darken on account of its wide open spaces. An article by Laurie Goodstein in the New York Times gives further gruesome details of the extreme Pentecostalism with which Palin has been associated in the past (perhaps moderating herself, at least in public, as a political career became more attractive). High points, also available on YouTube, show her being "anointed" by an African bishop who claims to cast out witches. The term used in the trade for this hysterical superstitious nonsense is "spiritual warfare," in which true Christian soldiers are trained to fight demons. Palin has spoken at "spiritual warfare" events as recently as June. And only last week the chiller from Wasilla spoke of "prayer warriors" in a radio interview with James Dobson of Focus on the Family, who said that he and his lovely wife, Shirley, had convened a prayer meeting to beseech that "God's perfect will be done on Nov. 4."

But if his will is "perfect," surely god has already decided who's going to win.

I guess Dobson thinks the almighty is undecided as well.

This is what the Republican Party has done to us this year: It has placed within reach of the Oval Office a woman who is a religious fanatic and a proud, boastful ignoramus. Those who despise science and learning are not anti-elitist. They are morally and intellectually slothful people who are secretly envious of the educated and the cultured. And those who prate of spiritual warfare and demons are not just "people of faith" but theocratic bullies. On Nov. 4, anyone who cares for the Constitution has a clear duty to repudiate this wickedness and stupidity.

I have, in the past, put Christopher Hitchens on my douchebag list, but...yeah. I know the theory is that you can't truly recover until you hit bottom, but I don't want that to be the case with my country. We're low enough as it is.

Now get your ass out and vote.

You're doing it wrong

And by "it," I mean "practicing Christianity:"

Plunging world stock markets have produced reactions from bewilderment to terror among traders, but one group believes the financial crisis requires an altogether different response -- prayer.

On the anniversary of the 1929 Wall Street Crash, a cross-denominational 100-strong group of Christians united in City Temple Church in London's financial district on Wednesday to pray for an end to market instability and ask God that economies should not enter a 1930s-style Great Depression.

Carrying a banner depicting a huge lion -- symbolising the biblical Lion of Judah, or Jesus -- with one paw on a bull and other on a bear, the group then headed to the London Stock Exchange, epicentre of the UK's quaking financial system.

Awesome. And then there's this group practicing a "laying on hands" on that big ass Wall Street bull. I'm no big city Bible scholar, but this seems...off, somehow.

Might want to do some brushing up on that first Commandment. And then there's this:

Dramatic examples of people whose life has been changed by a religious experience directly linked to the credit crisis are so far lacking, but religious groups are starting to see new interest from those on the outside.

St Peter's Barge, a floating church based near the gleaming towers of the Canary Wharf district's once-mighty banks, says it has seen more new faces at lunchtime talks aimed at bankers and other professionals on topics such as the credit crisis.

Check please.

Fuck Joe the Plumber

I was so desperate for a respite after the 98th time McCain/Obama brought up JtP I was actually begging The Wife to click over to the Project Runway finale. Seriously, both candidates' tax plans are pretty shitty for the lowest of the low incomes, and yes, guys in Joe's bracket still do better off under McCain, but a $7K cut isn't going to help pay more more employees unless they're undocumented illegals.

But I'm sure many blue collar voters can sympathize with a guy making $250K a year.

I also like how McCain emotionally reminded us of Nancy Reagan's injury, when the Reagans hated his guts. Or that Obama apparently lacked the stones to play the Keating Five trump card when McCain brought up Ayers. Again. Or that McCain - the special needs candidate - can't tell the difference between Down's Syndrome and autism. Or how he doesn't seem to realize a commercial criticizing a position isn't an "attack ad." Or how being "eloquent" is now an offense worthy of mockery following eight years of incoherent speechifying from the White House. Or, or, or.

Less than three weeks to go. I hope my liver can survive.

"Oh boys...look what I got heah!"

"Hey, where de white wimmen at?"

U.S. Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama on Tuesday brushed aside a survey that showed him losing support among white women voters to John McCain since the Republican standard-bearer named Sarah Palin as his running mate.

A Washington Post/ABC News survey published on Tuesday found most of McCain's surge in the polls since the Republican National Convention was due to a big shift in support among white women voters.
[...]
Before the Democratic National Convention in late August, Obama held an 8-point lead among white women voters, 50 percent to 42 percent, according to the Washington Post/ABC News poll. After the Republican convention in early September, McCain was ahead by 12 points among white women, 53 percent to 41 percent, that survey found.

Look, I love white women. At least...75% of the people I've dated in my life have been white women. Hell, I even married one. Which is why this poll has to be either a) complete bullshit, b) clearly biased against hip, urban professionals who don't have landlines, or c) only counting those women who don't care that the VP half of the Republican ticket vetoed support for alternative energy, slashed funding that would support teen mothers not named "Bristol," and was in favor of charging rape victims for their forensic exams.

I admit, my circle of friends isn't layered enough to include (that I know of) any women who actually like Palin. So could one of my white female readers out there enlighten me as to what the fuck is going on?

Sketches of McCain

My first thought on John McCain's speech was, "Whoa, he was a POW?" The second was, "Did nobody think to hire someone other than the guy who did the MIDI soundtrack to Diablo for that opening movie?"

I feel kind of bad for McCain, in all honesty. I don't know that I'd ever have voted for the guy - even in 2000 he had the baggage of the Keating scandal and positions in opposition to mine on gay rights, education, privatization of Social Security, and so on - but he seemed sincere in his convictions about following his conscience. Now, he's like a guy backed into a corner by party machinery. McCain wasn't the ideal Republican candidate...unless you held him up against the Two-Faced Mormon, the 9-11 Guy Who Actually Had Some Socially Liberal Views, and the Former Preacher Who Won Iowa and Couldn't Figure Out What to Do Next. And while he can accuse Obama of the whole "lose a war to win an election" angle, McCain already surrendered his "maverick" views to win this particular contest. The Palin choice proves that.

All that said, it was a pretty lackluster speech. I thought he took the high road and tried to lay out his plans (he was obviously annoyed early on by the protesters) but the folks in the Xcel Center wanted blood. He gave them a measured laying out of his policy, and they wanted him to unleash - as Yngwie Malmsteen would say - the fucking fury. McCain's problem isn't that he can't articulate his views, it's that he isn't giving his audience what they want.

As for the oft-courted independents, I suspect they'd have more respect for the guy if he hadn't subordinated every policy position to the Religious Right. More than that, what he did say was unmemorable. Even the audience seemed hesitant to applaud.

Bonus points for playing "Barracuda" at the end, however.

Thinking of the children

I'd have posted about the prime-time RNC speeches earlier, but I just stopped coughing up blood. First we had Giuliani, bringing up 9-11 a mere half a dozen times while standing in front of a stirring NYC skyline in a speech Molly Ivins probably would've found better in the original German. Then came Alaska governor Sarah Palin.

It wasn't enough that she lied about her resistance to Ted Stevens' "Bridge to Nowhere," about raising taxes, and about "standing up to the oil companies" while governor - though I enjoyed the fact that both Giuliani's new wife and Cindy McCain both rose to applaud when she pointed out to the family values crowd that she was still married to her high school sweetheart. No, the best joke of the night was this line:

To the families of special-needs children all across this country, I have a message: For years, you sought to make America a more welcoming place for your sons and daughters. I pledge to you that if we are elected, you will have a friend and advocate in the White House.

Ladies and gentlemen, there you have it: Sarah Palin is going to single-handedly roll back decades of Republican disregard for child welfare and education. She's going to buck her party and urge insurance companies to increase - or even offer - coverage for speech, occupational, and autism therapies (all of which are valid treatments for those with "special needs"). She's going to tell the Republican leadership they've been wrong all these years in eroding aid to poor families and providing taxpayer money to "faith-based" organizations that won't offer their services without attempting to convert the who receive them.

Even better, she's apparently going to - wait for it - reverse her own position she held as Governor, when she slashed funding for special needs schools by 62%.

As a parent of a "special needs" child who has spent the last (almost) three years dealing with the legacy of the Republican party's utter failure to provide for the children of this state, I look forward to this 180 degree reversal in her party's doctrine, and eagerly await the arrival of this sincere, well-qualified candidate to the second-highest office in the land.

And if you believe that, I've got a bridge I'd like to sell you. In Ketchikan, Alaska.

EDIT: I hadn't seen the Washington Monthly retraction noting the 62% reduction was incorrect, so while there's still plenty to get on her case about, her eucation budget isn't one of them.

Way to spin that "abstinence only" education stance

Some key quotes:

"Sen. McCain knew this and felt in no way did it disqualify her from being vice president," said an aide who asked not to be named. "Families have difficulties sometimes and lucky for her she has a supportive family."

The McCain aide emphasized that Bristol decided to keep the baby, a decision "supported by her parents."

and

"I have a 17-year-old daughter, and they start making choices without us," said Annette Ratliff, a delegate from Texas. "I appreciate the choice she is making to have the baby, but it just makes her a real person. It happens every day in America."

and

"I think, if anything, it shows the Republican Party is a real American party," said Rex Teter, another Texas delegate. "Every family has to deal with children, and sometimes children make decisions that parents wish they would not have been made, and things happen. But I think children are a blessing from God."

"Bristol decided." "I appreciate the choice she is making to have the baby." "...sometimes children make decisions..."

I don't know about anyone else, but I'm really enthused about the Republican party's new pro-choice stance.

I thought she was awesome in A Fish Called Wanda

What I think a lot of folks in the McCain camp failed to grasp is that disgruntled Hillary supporters aren't angry that a woman wasn't nominated. They're angry Hillary wasn't nominated. A grandstanding tactic like naming a pro-life, socially conservative female who just happens to be an ex-beauty pageant contestant isn't going to make Democratic women who were on the fence suddenly perk up and punch the 'McCain-Palin' chad in November.

I wonder is Whitman or Hutchinson even wanted the job, frankly.

And while the rug would appear to have been pulled out from under McCain's "lack of experience" strategem, the good people of this country have demonstrated they're perfectly amenable to electing a smirking fratboy to the highest office in the land - twice - as long as he mouths the right platitudes. I'm not saying there aren't serious questions about Palin's preparedness for the Presidency, but let's just say the qualifications bar hasn't been set that high for the last eight years.

DNC done a job on me

Overall, I must say I was pretty impressed with the speakers at the Democratic National Convention. The headliners, that is...several of the "support acts" were flop-sweating worse than I was when I tried to make a toast at Peenman's wedding (the wine was corked, I swear). But Michelle Obama was solid and appealing, the Clin-Tons almost made me believe they weren't seething with molten rage, and Biden sounded pretty presidential his damn self.

And his dazzling choppers don't hurt. You could navigate a frigate by those fuckers.

Tonight was the Main Event, though, and while I'd prepared no end of japes to be hurled ("I hope he talks about 'change,'" I mentioned to The Wife over the phone), I have to admit that Barack Obama gives good oration. Sure, he promised the moon (and the moon's firstborn), but that was one of those speeches that really sets you on your ass. Were I of less cynical bent, I'd say it was the kind of speech that changes people's minds, that reaches past the black morass of their expansive disappointments and gives a breath of life to the diminishing spark of - dare I say - hope...buried deep within.

In short, it's the kind of speech that gets men killed.

As shitty as my worldview has become, I still find myself grasping for evidence that I'm mistaken. In spite of the fact that we sat by passively as one election was stolen from us and couldn't be lulled out of our American Idol induced stupor to see what we were voting for in the second (not that the black hole of charisma on the other ticket helped), there's still a shrinking and evidently stupid part of my brain that wants to believe My Fellow Americans[TM] might actually stop equating professed love for Jesus with sound policy and vote with their forebrains instead of their medullas oblongata. Just this one time.

Then I remember I've seen Klan rallies...in the last 20 years, and that a man was dragged to his death, not 150 miles from here, for no other reason than he was the "wrong" color. I see slope-browed crewcuts like Craig Smith from WND talking about the horrors of Obama as the first "hip-hop President," which is as close to "You're not seriously going to vote a jig into the Oval Office are you?" as he'll allow himself to say.

Besides, the only hip hop artists I'm aware of Obama liking are Kanye and will.i.am, which is the equivalent of me saying what a big metal fan I am and then naming Nickelback and Warrant as my two favorite bands.

Are we capable of electing a black President? I was only half joking about the "getting killed" thing before, and 220 years of white male rule show we haven't gotten there yet. I'd like to believe we can hack it now: 45 years after "I have a dream" and especially when the opposition is propping up a doddering toady like McCain. But I'll believe it when I see it.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, good speech.

Evil Ed

There's a tropical storm in the Gulf, and we in the Houston area know what that means: buy lots of gas; descend like locusts upon your local supermarket/Home Depot/Wal-Mart for water/batteries/candles/shotgun shells; move the pets into the attic; and prepare for widespread looting, vandalism, and cannnibalism.

Edouard will apparently make landfall tomorrow morning as a strong tropical storm or a minimal Category 1 hurricane. Unlike the case of the Rita debacle, I don't think many area residents apart from those on the coast are going to be bugging out. Here are some links for those who, like me, go into Obsessive Storm Tracker mode every time this shit starts up:

Eric Berger's SciGuy blog
Dr. Jeff Masters' WunderBlog
KPRC's hurricane page - I tend to loathe the local news and their usual panic-mode histrionics, but Frank Billingsley is consistently levelheaded. And he has great hair.
My own "hurricane porn" blog entry - Which, in an abject failure of self-promotion, I failed to repost this year

I'd suggest a hurricane party, but I probably have to be at work Wednesday.

Christmas in July

Whoever said you shouldn't speak ill of the dead never met the former Senator from North Carolina:

Jesse Helms, the firebrand U.S. senator whose outspoken, conservative views polarized North Carolina and U.S. voters for decades, died at 1:15 a.m. Friday in Raleigh, according to John Dodd, president of the Jesse Helms Center.

He joins the second and third presidents of the United States - Thomas Jefferson and John Adams Jr. - who both also died on Independence Day.

He was 86. His cause of death was not released. Funeral arrangements will be forthcoming, Dodd said.

86? Sounds like the cause of death was "old." And nice of the Raleigh, NC paper to make that parallel between Helms and Jefferson and Adams. He also joins painter Bob Ross, Eva Gabor, and Barry White. So what?

His views on race relations - he opposed a national holiday honoring slain civil rights leader Martin Luther King Jr., led a filibuster against the extension of the Voting Rights Act and called some young blacks "Negro hoodlums" - and social issues sharply divided the public into those who viewed him as a champion of the common man and those who thought of him as a narrow-minded bigot.

David Broder, a widely respected political columnist for The Washington Post, called Helms "the last prominent unabashed white racist politician in this country."

"What is unique about Helms - and from my viewpoint, unforgivable - is his willingness to pick at the scab of the great wound of American history, the legacy of slavery and segregation, and to inflame racial resentment against African Americans," Broder wrote shortly after Helms announced that he wouldn't seek re-election in 2002.

Give Helms credit for sticking by his guns, at least. Wallace and others repented their pro-segregation stances later in life. Not good old Jesse.

Helms acknowledged his polarizing character, saying famed ventriloquist dummy Mortimer Snerd could run as the Democratic candidate for Senate against him and garner 45 percent of the vote.

"I wasn't interested in a popularity contest and surely didn't care about anything the big newspapers called me," he said. "I saw how they constantly ridiculed conservative ideas and conservative people."

Friend to women and minorities, champion of gay rights, and much, much more:

In his early years in office, Helms chaired the Senate Agriculture Committee, providing critical support for North Carolina's tobacco industry. When the Republicans gained control of Congress after the 1994 elections, he gained control of the powerful Senate Foreign Relations Committee, where he became a vocal critic of the former Soviet Union, China and Cuba and a strong advocate of anti-communist - and sometimes repressive - regimes in Latin America and Asia.

He also used his clout on the committee to push for reform of the United Nations, block payment of UN dues by the United States and oppose Democratic-sponsored foreign aid packages and trade deals. The recalcitrant stance he took on many issues garnered him the nickname "Senator No," which only delighted him. "The Raleigh News & Observer dubbed me 'Senator No.' It wasn't meant as a compliment, but I certainly took it as one. There was plenty to stand up and say no to during my first of five terms representing the people of North Carolina," he said.
[...]
Many political observers credit Helms' support for catapulting Reagan to the presidency in 1980 and accelerating the conservative agenda - cutting taxes at home, fighting communism abroad and opposing many government social programs - at the national level. He also served as Reagan's right flank for years, allowing the president to make political compromises as needed. "(I decided to) stay to the right of the president's right and make it easier for Reagan to be Reagan," Helms wrote in his memoir.

So long, Jesse. I don't believe in god, but for you I'll make an exception and hope she's a black lesbian. I also promise I won't bring up your collection of little shoes if you promise to say 'hi' to Nixon for me.

"Don't confuse my point of view with cynicism. The real cynics are the ones who tell you that everything's gonna be all right."

I take some small comfort in the fact that George Carlin would most likely be laughing his ass off at all the heartfelt lamentation going on in the wake of his demise. The fact remains, however, that Carlin was - along with Steve Martin - the first stand-up comic I ever got into. One of the first shows I remember watching when we got HBO (that wasn't Beastmaster or one of those late night burlesque specials) was Carlin at Carnegie. Unlike Martin, Carlin's movie career was...spotty at best, but he was Mr. Conductor in Shining Time Station, which blows away anything Martin has done since the first Bush administration.

Like most of my friends, I had memorized much of Carlin's oeuvre as a kid, from "Baseball vs. Football" to the "69 assholes tied in a knot" chant. In later years he was often accused of being more hectoring than funny, but I really thought some of his strongest and most incisive material came during that period.

It's a lousy feeling when all those artists and entertainers you admired in your youth start dying off. Fortunately for me, there were only a handful that affected me significantly and changed the way I look at things. Unfortunately, Carlin was one of them.

Anyway, here are some of my personal highlights.

The Seven Dirty Words

Life is Worth Losing

The table is tilted folks, the game is rigged. And nobody seems to notice, nobody seems to care. Good, honest, hard-working people...white collar, blue collar, it doesn't matter what color shirt you have on...good, honest, hard-working people continue - these are people of modest means - continue to elect these rich cocksuckers who don't give a fuck about them. They don't give a fuck about you, they don't care about you, at all[...]That's what the owners count on, the fact that Americans will probably remain willfully ignorant of the big red white and blue dick that's being jammed up their assholes every day. Because the owners of this country know the truth: it's called the American Dream because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Maybe my favorite of his recent ones, You Are All Diseased:

Question #1: Did you pack your bags yourself? No. Carrot Top packed my bags. He and Martha Stewart and Florence Henderson came over to the house last night, fixed me a lovely lobster Newburg, gave me a full body massage with sacred oils from India, performed a four-way around the world, and then they packed my bags. Next question.

Go fuck yourself, George. And I mean that in the most reverent way imaginable.

Sweet little XVI

Pope's ahoy:

Pope Benedict XVI tempered his praise for American religious tolerance on Wednesday with a warning that U.S. society can quietly undermine Catholicism by reducing all faiths to a lowest common denominator.

Addressing the nation's Catholic bishops, the German-born pope said the U.S. Church could not drop its guard against relativism just because faith plays a larger part in public life in the United States than it does in more secularized Europe.

A strong individualist streak in American culture leads some Catholics "to pick and choose," following Church doctrines they like and ignoring others, he said during a long speech on challenges facing Roman Catholicism in the United States.

"Picking and choosing" being less forgivable than the more or less constant state of revision the Church itself has been going under since the 1950s, I suppose.

"Faith becomes a passive acceptance that certain things 'out there' are true, but without practical relevance for everyday life," he said. "The result is a growing separation of faith from life, living 'as if God did not exist."'

"We have seen this emerge in an acute way in the scandal given by Catholics who promote an alleged right to abortion."

All evidence to the contrary, we're not a religious state a la The Vatican. So I'd thank his pontifness to respect the fact that there is still an actual right to choose in this country.

But while he's bringing up scandals:

Pope Benedict XVI on Wednesday addressed issues ranging from the sex abuse scandal in the Roman Catholic Church to the easy availability of pornography to the "alarming decrease" in Catholic marriages in the United States.
[...]
Benedict said the sexual abuse of children by priests has caused a "deep shame" and called it "gravely immoral behavior."

"Many of you have spoken to me of the enormous pain that your communities have suffered when clerics have betrayed ... their obligations," he told the bishops.

Responding to the situation has not been easy and was sometimes very badly handled, the pope admitted.

"Sometimes." Because hush money and relocation weren't indicative of a focused strategy by the Church itself. Got it.

The pope then turned his attention to a different concern involving kids.

"What does it mean to speak of child protection when pornography and violence can be viewed in so many homes through media widely available today?" he asked.

Benedict urged the media and entertainment industry to take part in a "moral renewal."

Way to pass the buck: "Sure, we had still untold numbers of clergy molesting children, but what about you people with the HBO/Showtime packages from DirecTV? Isn't the fact that 13-year olds can sneak out of bed and watch Shannon Tweed take a shower the moral equivalent of institutionally supported abuse?"

I kid. Obviously some good has come from Catholicism.

"Dad, those are all from the same animal."
"Yeah, right Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal."

I see the Citizens Against Government Waste have again released the Pig Book, their annual list of barn sides to fire rounds at:

A watchdog group critical of pork barrel spending released its latest findings Wednesday targeting the top Congressional "porkers."

Some of the pork projects, according to the group, include a Lobster Institute; the Rocky Flats, Colorado, Cold War Museum; and the First Tee, a program to build young people's character through golf.

Members of Congress requested funds for all these pet projects and thousands of others last year, according to the latest copy of the annual "Pig Book" released by Citizens Against Government Waste.

"Congress stuffed 11,610 projects" worth $17.2 billion into a dozen spending bills, the group said in the report released Wednesday.

The "Pig Book" names dozens of what the citizens group considers the most egregious porkers, the lawmakers who funnel money to projects on their home turf.

And what are some of the highlights of the CAGW's exhaustive search, according to the CNN story?

Fruit flies - Mike Thompson (D-CA): Thompson requested $211,000 for olive fruit fly research. The olive fruit fly has infested thousands of acres of California's olive crops.

The First Tee - James Clyburn (R-SC): Added $3 million to the defense appropriations bill for an initiative to teach "life lessons" to young people through golf. 48 states have chapters.

Sheep - Senators Max Baucus (D-MT) and Jon Tester (D-MT): The Montana Sheep Institute gets almost $150,000 to develop and implement strategies that will increase the competitiveness of Montana's lamb and wool industries.

Lobster - Thomas Allen (D-ME), and Senators Susan Collins (R-ME) and Olympia Snowe (R-ME): $188,000 for the Lobster Institute to "sustain both the lobster resource and a viable lobster fishery through conservation, outreach, research, and education."

Walking Tour - Virgil Goode (R-VA): $98,000 for a historical walking tour in the town of Boydton.

Excuse me, I'm having a Capt. Renault moment again. Look, I know that it's unbelievably offensive to our sensibilities that elected representatives funnel money to their respective districts/states, and that $17.2 billion spread out across 11,000+ projects comes out to, like, a lot of money. But has anyone from the CAGW been to Montana or Maine? These states actually depend on sheep and lobster for their economic well-being, so maybe throwing a few hundred grand at University-sponsored initiatives to make sure the industries stay viable isn't such a ca-razy idea. And a walking tour? Encouraging historical activities? Does $98K cover more than a few tour guides and materials? I think not.

Okay, the golf thing does sound pretty lame. But $3 million for something that spans 48 states doesn't sound that egregious.

The funny thing - no, really, you'll laugh your ass off - is that $17 billion is only $5 billion more than the Iraq War costs per month (not counting interest on the national debt, of course). The CAGW is all up in arms about ivory backscratchers, meanwhile the tab on Bush's war is likely going to end up costing taxpayers close to $3 trillion.

Think of how many lobster studies that could fund.

"I've given out my share of bad reviews."
"Oh, the only bad review you gave was to a slice of pizza you found under the couch."

Can't say this is much of a surprise:

Nathan Lee, one of The Village Voice's two full-time critics, was laid off last week by Village Voice Media, a large chain of alternative weeklies that has been cutting down the number of critics it employs across the country.

The week before, two longtime critics at Newsday -- Jan Stuart and Gene Seymour -- took buyouts, along with their editor. And at Newsweek, David Ansen is among 111 staff members taking buyouts, according to a report in Radar.

They join critics at more than a dozen daily newspapers (including those in Denver, Tampa and Fort Lauderdale) and several alternative weeklies who have been laid off, reassigned or bought out in the past few years, deemed expendable at a time when revenues at print publications are declining, under pressure from Web alternatives and a growing recession in media spending.

Given that movie blogs are strewn about the Web like popcorn on a theater floor, there are those who say that movie criticism is not going away, it's just appearing on a different platform.

A different, cheaper platform.

I've been the mainstream movie critic at Film Threat for...four years now, and while I enjoy the fact no one butchers my reviews and I can pretty much call my shots in terms of upcoming releases, I'm under no illusions about the financial viability of my hobby.

And a hobby it will remain, apparently. Lee (who I enjoyed reading) and Ansen are were pretty big names in the world of film criticism. At this point, I don't know what's more disturbing: that some of the heaviest hitters in the field are being forced out, or that Pete Hammond's expulsion from Maxim wasn't a response to years of public outrage but simply a cost-cutting move. And one that was ahead of the curve at that.

Despite Samuel Butler's long ago suggestion that critics arrive at their occupation because of their general unfitness for anything else, they can be a cultural good, championing films that lack crowd-pleasing content or the financial wherewithal to muscle their way into public consciousness. Mr. Lee, for example, named "Southland Tales" the best film of last year. Never heard of the postnuclear, semi-futuristic portrait of Los Angeles directed by Richard Kelly ("Donnie Darko")? That's very much the point. "Criticism is treated as a kind of product, and that is inevitably going to favor bigger national releases," said Owen Gleiberman, a critic at Entertainment Weekly. "That The Village Voice doesn't want to pay for two staff movie critics is a joke," he added. "There is so much to cover."

Michael Lacey, executive editor of Village Voice Media, said in an e-mail message that the company, which owns 17 newspapers, continues to have a serious commitment to covering film.

Print media critics remain the only ones whose opinions really have that kind of impact. A groundswell can start online, but it isn't until folks like Ebert or Hoberman or Scott pick up on it that it has any significant impact. On the other hand, no amount of negative criticism can derail some movies, whether it's on a web site or the nation's biggest print daily.

Which is why Eddie Murphy, Owen Wilson, and Brett Ratner still have careers.

But are print critics really so all-important and sacrosanct with the Web full of debates about all manner of film in places like indiewire.com, cinematical.com and blog.spout.com?

"Honestly, I think that a lot of the viewers of serious films have already migrated to the Web," said S. T. VanAirsdale, a senior editor at defamer.com and the founder of thereeler.com, a site devoted to coverage of the New York film world. "Serious movies can always be helped by a boost from anywhere, but almost anyone who is interested can find plenty of information about a film before it even opens because of all the coverage in the blogs about festivals and screenings."

Both areas have their strengths. With print criticism, you're more likely (though certainly not always) to be exposed to someone with more than a few years' experience who can actually construct a fucking paragraph. The article's likening of movie web sites to popcorn on a theater floor is apt not just because of their sheer number, but because almost all of them are unpalatable. And I admit it galls me a bit that, well, Robert Wilonsky says it better than I could:

They and people like them--say, Ain't It Cool News' Harry Knowles, who accepts studio-funded trips to movie sets and is still taken seriously by movie execs as a film critic, despite being quasi-literate--are why the studios can trim the "interview" time from 60 minutes to half an hour. They know they'll get good pub regardless of the setup--an hour in a restaurant, a handshake in a hotel room, a howdy on a movie set. Those bearing cameras and recorders are just happy to breathe the rarefied air of celebrities, collect their goodie bags full of logo-covered crap and share the same prepackaged quotes that spread like Colorado wildfire the days before and after a movie's release

But for continuing and more or less immediate coverage of festivals and movies the studios want to hide from the press, the web is the way to go. What's that, DreamWorks, you're not screening The Ruins until 10 PM the Thursday before it opens? Yeah, that'll suck for newspapers, who have to put their issue to bed at 8:00, but we doughty online types can bang out a review and have it up by 1 AM West Coast time.

Or we could, if our Leatherheads review wasn't running on Friday.

The apparent demise of the print critic isn't just because of the dire financial state of our nation's newspapers and the influx of cheap online labor from Mexico, but because the studios have been making a concerted effort for several years now to eliminate the industry itself. They've already proven that withholding almost every horror movie and a sizeable chunk of comedies from reviewers doesn't affect opening weekend grosses in the slightest, so that trend is only going to widen.

Meanwhile, some critics have realized a modicum of fame can be garnered by peppering their reviews with gushing quotes that may (ohpleaseohplease) get picked up in a film's print of TV ad campaign.This, unfortunately, doesn't get them fast-tracked onto the "must hire" list for the Los Angeles Times. But who knows? Maybe it gets them invited to that mystical junket that only "special" critics are allowed to attend; where stars and directors grant 3-hour exclusive interviews and they even get a special "thank you" during the closing credits.

Yeah. Guess I need to keep working on that novel.

"You see what happens, Larry?"

Oh, now this just breaks my heart:

Borders, the nation's second-largest bookseller, said Thursday it may put itself up for sale and has lined up $42.5 million in financing to help the chain continue operations.

Borders has lost market share both to online companies and to Wal-Mart Stores Inc.
[...]
After postponing its scheduled fourth-quarter earnings results Wednesday, the company reported net income of $64.7 million, or $1.10 a share, compared with a loss of $73.6 million, or $1.22, during the same period last year.

Revenue fell 2 percent to $1.35 billion, from $1.37 billion.

Analysts polled by Thomson Financial expected profits of $1.42 per share on sales of $1.37 billion.

Quarterly results included a $7 million loss from the sale of Irish and British businesses for $13 million.

In yet another sign of pressures on retailers nationwide, Borders suspended quarterly dividends, which it will plow into operations.
[...]
Ann Arbor-based Borders said J.P. Morgan Securities Inc. and Merrill Lynch & Co. have been retained as the company's financial advisers to assist the company as it explores strategic alternatives.

The company said it can give no assurances that a transaction of any kind will occur.

Revenues, shmevenues. Everybody knows this is spectral vengeance for the W. Alabama store knocking down my beloved Ale House.

The dogs of war

Marine kills dog. Nation World froths at mouth:

A US Marine has become the target of a massive internet hate campaign after a mobile phone video appearing to show him throwing a puppy off a cliff in Iraq became a viral hit.

Some 150,000 people watched the video in less than two days before it was taken down from the YouTube website this morning. More than 4,000 posted comments, overwhelmingly negative, although many questioned whether the dog was already dead.

The low-quality video shows two Marines in combat joking as one holds up what appears to be a motionless black and white puppy, which he then hurls into a rocky gully. A loud yelping sound is heard as it flies through the air.

Major Chris Perrine of the Marine Corps Base Hawaii says it appears the man is based with a unit in the islands. In a statement the Marines called the video "shocking and deplorable" and said it violates "the high standard we expect of every Marine".

Wow. Someone prone to animal cruelty somehow made it through the uplifting and nurturing Sunday picnic known as Marine Corps boot camp. I'm speechless.

A number of US websites named the perpetrator as David Motari, a 22-year-old from Washington state who has recently returned from Iraq and is based in Hawaii. Mr Motari's profile on the social networking site Bebo was closed down yesterday.

Some sites posted his personal details, phone numbers and even a picture of his car, while other bloggers called for him to be ostracised. Others said that the video was simply bringing home the horrors of the Iraq war.

This massive outpouring of outrage tells me we've been going about this process all wrong, anti-war comrades. We shouldn't be clamoring for an end to the campaign in Iraq because of the the naked falsehoods put forth by the Bush Administration in order to justify our invasion, the constantly shifting rationales, the almost 4,000 dead American soldiers, or the over 70,000 dead Iraqi civilians; no, we need to stop the war for the sake of all those innocent puppies.

Seriously, I hope this doesn't have a negative impact on sales of the 101 Dalmatians DVD.

So beautiful, so dumb

It's how Alfred Hitchcock once described Ingrid Bergman, and it also apparently applies to the most recent Best Actress winner Marion Cotillard (via The Fat Guy):

Oscar-winning actress Marion Cotillard is facing criticism after footage of her apparently questioning the 9/11 attacks surfaced on the internet.

In an interview she reportedly gave a year ago, the star is shown commenting on the events of 11 September 2001.

"I think we're lied to about a number of things," the Paris-born 32-year-old is seen saying in French.
[...]
In the interview, given to French TV show Paris Premiere, Cotillard appears to suggest the attacks on the World Trade Center were staged to avoid the expense of refurbishing them.

"We see other towers of the same kind being hit by planes, are they burned?" she asks. "There was a tower, I believe it was in Spain, which burned for 24 hours.

"It never collapsed. None of these towers collapsed. And there [in New York], in a few minutes, the whole thing collapsed."

The Twin Towers, she claims, were a "money sucker" that would have cost much more to modernise than to destroy.

She can at least take comfort in the fact that she didn't blame "the Jews" for the collapse.

Cotillard joins APCB favorite Willie Nelson, who also recently - and regrettably - appears to have imbibed the "9/11 Truth Movement" Kool-Aid.

And she didn't stop there...

The actress goes on to cast doubt on the Moon landing of 1969. "Did a man really walk on the moon?" she asks.

"I saw plenty of documentaries on it and I really wondered. In any case I don't believe all they tell me."

Where'd I put that picture...? Ah yes:

Sunday Morning Political Post

Margaret Carlson made a comment on Meet the Press this morning about Hillary Clinton's image as a "scolding parent." I'd originally imagined writing an entire dialogue post with Clinton as Mom and the American voting public as the lovestruck teen tearfully exclaiming "But I love him!" before storming off to climb into Obama's T-Bird, but that there is pretty much the whole joke.

Anecdotally, because ten years removed from grad school I'm still violently allergic to actual research, I don't know any Democrats who support Clinton over Obama. Oh sure, they'd vote for her in the general election, but coupled with the fatalistic realization that anti-Hillary sentiment - irrational as it is - would probably be enough to give McCain the presidency.

Her cause isn't helped by seeing her supporters try to mealy-mouth their way out of adhering to the DNC agreement about the Michigan and Florida primaries, either.

People are excited about Obama, right or wrong. And let's not kid ourselves; Obama doesn't mark some great departure from moderate Democratic principles. He's a great speaker and all, but he's hardly Ron Paul to Clinton's Mike Huckabee. Unless Clinton does something to shake up the current state of affairs, and runs the table of remaining primaries, Obama's the nominee.

And with the exception of a few of the smaller primaries, I don't see anyone running anything. Ohio, Texas, and Pennsylvania are all too close to call (I think Obama wins OH and PA, Clinton TX, but neither by more than 4-5%). The real question, and what the Republicans are desperately hoping for (aside from a Clinton nomination, that is) is whether or not this can be decided before the convention.

O-mentum

Tonight's events have made next month's Texas primary quite the hum-dinga:

Sen. Barack Obama easily won Democratic primaries in Virginia, Maryland and Washington, D.C., on Tuesday in a determined drive to erase Hillary Rodham Clinton's delegate lead.

Republican front-runner John McCain also won in Virginia, Maryland and D.C., adding to his insurmountable lead in delegates for the GOP nomination.

Obama's triumphs made it eight straight over Clinton, the former first lady, now struggling in a race she once commanded.

His Virginia victory left him a scant 10 delegates short of his rival, with 132 left to allocate for the night.
[...]
Clinton hopes to respond with victories in Texas and Ohio on March 4, states where both candidates have already begun television advertising.

Among other things...

"Ma'am."

Meanwhile, McCain looks to have the Republican nomination sewn up. Huckabee's sticking it out however. Does he perhaps have an ace in the hole?

Huckabee rejected claims that he has little chance of becoming the GOP's candidate because of McCain's significant lead in delegates. McCain leads Huckabee in delegates 709 to 163, by CBS News' count, with 1,191 needed for the nomination.

"I didn't major in math," Huckabee said the Conservative Political Action Conference meeting, according to the Associated Press. ``I majored in miracles, and I still believe in them.''

Not too lengthy a bibliography on that thesis, I'm guessing.

"Ladies and gentlemen, we will blow up the moon."

Or Mars, whatever.

A small asteroid discovered November 20 may strike Mars next month.

Astronomers with NASA's Near Earth Object (NEO) Program at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory in Pasadena, California, calculate the odds of a January 30 collision at 1 in 75. While this is remote, it's less so than last week's estimated 1-in-350 chance.

NEO astronomer Steve Chesley, who's used to dealing with million-to-one odds, calls the event "extremely unusual," and, in something of a twist, NEO astronomers are rooting for an impact.

An armada of spacecraft orbiting the Red Planet - the European Space Agency's Mars Express and NASA's Mars Reconnaissance Orbiter and Mars Odyssey - would have ringside seats to view the strike and its after-effects. Even Earth-based telescopes could potentially observe the impact because Mars is near opposition and, therefore, unusually close.

I still love the name "Near Earth Object Program." And they have all these sweet graphics, even:

Astronomers say asteroid 2007 WD5 is about 160 feet (50 meters) across. If it struck Mars, the energy would be similar to the 1908 Tunguska blast in Siberia, where a stony asteroid exploded above the taiga. The blast felled and scarred trees over 810 square miles (2,100 square km).

One difference: Tunguska was an air burst and left no crater, whereas 2007 WD5 likely would reach Mars' surface intact.

Or it would, if not for the latest update:

Additional position observations for asteroid 2007 WD5 taken on December 29 through January 2 have been used to improve the accuracy of the asteroid's orbit. As a result, the range of possible paths past Mars has narrowed by a factor of 3 and the most likely path has moved a little farther away from the planet, causing the Mars impact probability to decrease slightly to 3.6% (about one chance in 28). The new positional observations were made using the 2.4 meter telescope at New Mexico Tech's Magdalena Ridge Observatory and reported by astronomer Bill Ryan. It seems likely that as additional observations further shrink the uncertainty region of this asteroid, the region will no longer intersect Mars and the impact probability will quickly drop to zero.

This is a serious blow: not just to the cause of wicked cool astronomical photography, but also to our ongoing war against the Martians, whose offensive tripod production will now continue dangerously unabated.

"Ladies and gentlemen, and especially little children. I'm glad you're all here to witness what may very well be my grisly death."

As you may have noticed, whiterose.org was down for the last nine days or so while webmeisters Ginger and Michael fled the fetid confines of New Jersey for the Elysian fields of Austin, TX. While this really gave me an opportunity to send anonymous death threats to Reveille catch up on great works of literature, I was rather bummed I wasn't able to comment on the death of yet another of my childhood idols, Evel Knievel:

Evel Knievel's hard life killed him -- it just took longer than he or anyone else might have expected.

The hard-living motorcycle daredevil, whose bone-breaking, rocket-powered jumps and stunts made him an international icon in the 1970s, died Friday. He was 69.

He had been in failing health for years, suffering from diabetes and pulmonary fibrosis, an incurable condition that scarred his lungs. He had undergone a liver transplant in 1999 after nearly dying of hepatitis C, likely contracted through a blood transfusion after one of his many spills. He also suffered two strokes in recent years.

I was a typical '70s kid in a lot of ways: I saw Star Wars about 20 times when it was released, I pleaded with my parents to let me stay up on Saturdays to enjoy the exploits of John Belushi and Dan Aykroyd, and I watched Knievel's exploits with the kind of gape-mouthed fascination peculiar to boys who have yet to reach double digits.

I had the Stunt Cycle, I watched the shitty movies, and I died a little inside when the chute deployed too early on the disastrous Snake River Canyon jump.

Unsurprisingly, A&E re-ran their Knievel Biography last weekend, and I was reminded of my favorite story; the time Knievel went after the author of an unauthorized biography with a baseball bat...and two broken arms.

He was a womanizer, an insufferable egomaniac, and a glorious bastard, and the world is a duller place for his having left it.

Rest in as much peace as your shattered bones will allow, Evel.

"They said you was hung."

Would it be inappropriate to start with a Bible reference? I'm thinking Matthew 27:5:

And he cast down the pieces of silver in the temple, and departed, and went and hanged himself.

And then there's Warren Jeffs, who seems to have been fond of Luke 10:37, "Go thou and do likewise:"

Polygamist sect leader Warren Jeffs tried to hang himself earlier this year while he was in jail awaiting trial, according to court documents unsealed by a Utah judge on Tuesday.

Jeffs, the leader and so-called prophet of the 10,000-member Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, is now awaiting sentencing after being convicted on two counts of being an accomplice to rape.

The documents, released by Fifth District Judge James Shumate at the request of the media, also indicate that Jeffs confessed to "immorality" with a sister and daughter more than 30 years ago

Among the documents is a competency report on Jeffs completed in April, in which social worker Eric Nielsen wrote that throughout the month of January, Jeffs refused food and drink and developed ulcers on his knees from kneeling in prayer for hours.

On January 28, the report said, he attempted to hang himself in his cell. In the days following the suicide attempt, while he was on suicide watch, Jeffs on separate occasions threw himself against the wall and banged his head on the wall.

Let's close today with some more scripture, this time from Titannica:

Try try try again
Try try try again
Head first this time
Dive right in

Quiiters never win, Warren. Keep at it.

"Doctor. Doctor. Doctor? Doctor."

Finally, a chance to break out the Spies Like Us quotes.

I found out yesterday that the grand total of Nobel Prize Laureates I've met is up to one:

U.S. citizens Mario R. Capecchi and Oliver Smithies and Sir Martin J. Evans of Britain won the 2007 Nobel Prize in medicine on Monday for groundbreaking discoveries that led to a technique for manipulating mouse genes.

The widely used process has helped scientists use mice to study heart disease, diabetes, cancer, cystic fibrosis and other diseases.

Capecchi, 70, who was born in Italy, is at the University of Utah in Salt Lake City. Smithies, 82, born in Britain, is at the University of North Carolina in Chapel Hill. Evans, 66, works at Cardiff University in Wales.

They were honored for a technique called gene targeting, which lets scientists inactivate or modify particular genes in mice. That in turn lets them study how those genes affect health and disease.

My father did his postdoc work with Mario Capecchi at the U of U back in the 70s. I was just a snot-nosed kid with little knowledge of what they were up to beyond the fact that I wasn't allowed to touch anything in the lab, especially anything with that orange trefoil design on it.

Being that young and stupid, I also had no idea what the guy had gone through:

Long before Mario Capecchi helped find a way to silence genes in mice and help spur drug discovery, he wandered the Italian countryside as a hungry child.

Capecchi, born in Italy and now at the University of Utah, joined two other researchers yesterday in winning the Nobel Prize for medicine. As a youth, he endured four years of homelessness during World War II that ended on his ninth birthday, when his mother, released from a Nazi concentration camp, found him starving in a hospital.
[...]
Capecchi's mother gave a neighboring family in the Italian Alps money to care for him while she wrote anti-Nazi poetry during the war. When that money ran out and his mother was imprisoned, he wandered the countryside, malnourished and ill, eventually coming to rest in a hospital in Reggio Emilia.

``The way they kept us there was they wouldn't give us any clothes,'' he recalled. ``I had a lot of time to concentrate on ways to escape and I tried many things.''

Hours of plotting escape from the hospital, along with the self-sufficiency that came from surviving street life, gave Capecchi the courage to go ahead with gene targeting, he said. He used funds that had been granted for other projects to support his work with mice.

I'd think that those early experiences would give you the courage to go ahead and do just about anything. Regardless, I hereby apologize for breaking those test tubes. Congratulations, Doctor.

Rugby players eat their young

But only if they're thoroughly cooked:

An Oregon rugby player remains in jail Tuesday after being arrested on charges he left his 2-year-old daughter in a vehicle in the parking lot of a Nevada brothel on a 95-degree day.

Lucien Hoffman, of Bend, Ore., is being held in the Storey County Detention Center in lieu of $40,000 bail on charges of child neglect.

Police arrested Hoffman early Sunday night at the World Famous Mustang Ranch brothel in Sparks, Nev., after a security guard found the child crying inside the car, according to Storey County Sheriff's Det./Sgt. Kenneth Quirk.

Hoffman, a wing for Bend Rugby who goes by the nicknames Luke and "Torpedo," had been attending a pool party and barbecue at the brothel, a co-sponsor of a Labor Day weekend rugby tournament in Reno organized by the Reno Zephyrs Rugby Club.
[...]
Quirk said that had the child been noticed by the brothel security guard, Hoffman's vehicle wouldn't have been allowed in. When security guards did hear her crying and couldn't locate her parents, they contacted the sheriff's office and took the child inside the brothel.

"It was 95 degrees out at that time of day, and you have to figure another 30 degrees on top of that inside a vehicle even with the windows down," Quirk said.

According to the Reno Rugby Club's Web site, the brothel pool party was an after-event for its first "Biggest Little Rugby Tournament in the World," a two-day competition drawing 14 rugby teams from around the West Coast.

Hoffman attended the tournament with his girlfriend, a woman who is not the mother of the 2-year-old toddler. Hoffman shares joint custody of the child with her biological mother.

"It was probably not a good decision to take the child [to Nevada] in the first place, but basically it was sort of like a vacation for them," [rugby club president Matt] Burke said.

Hope they had a nice time.

I hung out with a lot of rugby players in college. They were, by and large, barely domesticated apes, given to drinking near-lethal amounts of alcohol while subjecting themselves and those around them to the foulest degradations imaginable. But even so, I'm pretty sure the same guys I watched swan dive out of a third-story window into a wading pool filled with Everclear and piss would have a hard time abandoning their child in a hot car while they went to party in a fer chrissakes brothel.

Burke called Hoffman a good father who made a bad decision.

"We know Luke to be a good father," he said. "He's not a neglectful person or an irresponsible parent. It's unfortunate that he made the decision that he did to put here in the car, but I'm sure the decision wasn't arrived at in a neglectful manner or that he was intentionally being neglectful."

Pull the other one. As the father of a toddler, I freely admit to occasionally contemplating leaving She Who Shall Not Be Named in the car - with the A/C on of course - when I'd need to run in to the convenience store or the dry cleaners, just so I don't have to futz with the car seat, coaxing her out of the back, escorting her into the store, wrangling her while I complete my transaction (hoping she doesn't have to go to the bathroom all the while), then hustling her back into the car, all in 90+ degree heat. Never did it though, because that would make me a bad father. I don't know what parameters Burke is using, but leaving a kid in a car, sweltering heat or not, for two hours to go get your drunk on with a bunch of hookers doesn't qualify as good fathering by even the loosest of standards.

Unless you're Bing Crosby.

A blaze of gloryholes

I was going to come here today and say I don't endorse schadefreude, but the truth is, I'm rather fond of it. Lucky for me there are people like Sen. Larry Craig:

Under fire from leaders of his own party, Idaho Sen. Larry Craig today said the only thing he had done wrong was to plead guilty after a complaint of lewd conduct in a men's room.

He declared, ``I am not gay. I never have been gay.'' ``I did nothing wrong at the Minneapolis airport,'' he said at a news conference with his wife, Suzanne, at his side.

Earlier today, Senate Republican leaders in Washington called for an ethics committee review into Craig's guilty plea.
[...]
Craig entered his plea several weeks after an undercover police officer in the Minneapolis arrested him and filed a complaint that said the three-term senator had engaged in actions "often used by persons communicating a desire to engage in sexual conduct."

The bathroom incident in the Minneapolis airport occurred on June 11. Craig signed his plea papers on Aug. 1, and word of the events surfaced on Monday. The senator issued a statement Monday night that said, "In hindsight, I should have pled not guilty."

These truly are sad times when a United States Senator has less than adequate access to legal counsel. And I'm guessing the cops ignored his protestations, which were along the following lines: "I was offering him a ride," "I was asking for directions to baggage claim," "He's my cousin."

In Craig's situation, I think I'd have acted like I thought I was in the ladies' room. That way at least it'd be heterosexual sleazery. After all, the "family values party" has never had a problem turning a blind eye to infidelity. Among their own, of course.

The married Craig, 62, has faced rumors about his sexuality since the 1980s, but allegations that he has engaged in gay sex have never been substantiated. Craig has denied the assertions, which he calls ridiculous.
[...]
According to the prosecutor's complaint, obtained today by The Associated Press, airport police Sgt. Dave Karsnia, who was investigating allegations of sexual conduct in airport restrooms, went into a stall shortly after noon on June 11 and closed the door.

Minutes later, the officer saw Craig gazing into his stall through the crack between the stall door and the frame, fidgeted with his fingers and returned to gazing through the stall for about another two minutes.

After a man in the adjacent stall left, Craig entered it and put his roller bag against the front of the stall door, "which Sgt. Karsnia's experience has indicated is used to attempt to conceal sexual conduct by blocking the view from the front of the stall," said the complaint, which was dated June 25.

The complaint said Craig then tapped his right foot several times and moved it closer to Karsnia's stall and then moved it into the area of the officer's stall to where it touched Karsnia's foot. Karsnia recognized that "as a signal often used by persons communicating a desire to engage in sexual conduct," the complaint said.

Craig then passed his left hand under the stall divider into Karsnia's stall with his palms up and guided it along the divider toward the front of the stall three times, the complaint said.

First, I submit Craig's actions as further proof of something I've long suspected: all Republicans are gay. Well, all of the vehemently pious, born-again ones at least, and Craig certainly qualifies.

Second, I realize it's hard to meet people. Hell, I had to go back to the Forbidden Zone of College Station, TX to meet The Wife, but an airport bathroom? We're not talking about some poorly frequented lavatory in the basement of some ill-lit college building, but one patronized by thousands of people a day. And the fact that Craig spent that much time in a place most human beings manage to vacate in under a minute is more damning than if he'd been caught with a penis in his mouth.

Unsurprisingly, Craig is a shining example of his party's noble conservative tradition:

In recent years, Craig's voting record has earned him top ratings from social conservative groups such as the American Family Association, Concerned Women for America and the Family Research Council.

He has supported a federal constitutional amendment banning same-sex marriage, telling his colleagues that it was "important for us to stand up now and protect traditional marriage, which is under attack by a few unelected judges and litigious activists."
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In 1996, Craig also voted in favor of the Defense of Marriage Act, which denies federal recognition to same-sex marriages and prevents states from being forced to recognize the marriages of gay and lesbian couples legally performed in other states.

Craig also has opposed expanding the federal hate crimes law to cover offenses motivated by anti-gay bias and, in 1996, voted against a bill that would have outlawed employment discrimination based on sexual orientation, which failed by a single vote in the Senate.

I sympathize with someone forced to deny their true selves, whether due to the circumstances of their upbringing or simple fate. But someone who hides behind their own hypocrisy while making life harder for others like him deserves what he gets. Getting busted in an airport toilet is a fitting end to Craig's unfortunate career.

"Do you have a flag?"

Actually, someone does:

As the race to back up claims over the resources of the Arctic Ocean heats up, Canada has said it will build two new military bases in its far north.

Prime Minister Stephen Harper made the announcement during a tour of Canada's northern territories.

It comes as a Danish mission prepares to sail to the North Pole to map the seabed under the ice.

Last week, a Russian expedition planted the country's flag on the floor of the Arctic Ocean under the North Pole.

And if current trends continue, Oaanaaq will be known as "the San Diego of the 76th parallel."

Melting polar ice has led to competing claims over access to Arctic resources, including the Northwest Passage, a shipping channel between the Atlantic and Pacific oceans currently blocked by ice during the winter months.

Mr Harper announced plans last month to build six naval vessels to patrol the passage.

Canada, Russia, Denmark, Norway and the United States also have competing claims to the seabed below the North Pole, an area containing as much as 25% of the world's undiscovered oil and gas according to a US study.

How swell that our continued reliance on fossil fuels is the very thing that has freed up access to the amount needed to complete our realization of the SPF-1000 future promised in the first RoboCop.

Meh, that's all I've got. Go read my Rush Hour 3 review. It's Polanski-riffic.

"Here's a drawing of a spirochete."

And like the leprechaun, it apparently told Bush to burn things:

President Bush was successfully treated for Lyme disease nearly a year ago, the White House announced today.

The condition had never been revealed until the White House today made public the results of his annual physical exam. They said that he was treated for what they called "early, localized Lyme disease" last August after developing the characteristic bullseye rash, and that it did not recur.

Lyme disease is a common tick-borne infection that if left untreated can cause arthritis and other problems. The president's main form of exercise and recreational activity is mountain biking, which could bring him in contact with ticks.
[...]
"Doctors have determined that the president remains in superior fitness for a man his age -- anybody who's seen him on the bike or out and about certainly knows that -- and that he is fit for duty," Snow said.

We do? Here's a list of some of the late stage neuropsychiatric symptoms of Lyme disease:

- short-term memory loss
- sleep disturbance
- hallucinations
- depersonalization
- neurocognitive impairment (brain fog)
- psychosis

Just saying.

Oh, and "brain fog?"

"And I think it's gonna be a long, long time"

"'til touchdown brings me round again to find":*

A report to be released by NASA today not only describes heavy alcohol use by astronauts prior to launch, but also says flight surgeons complained that their medical opinions on astronauts' fitness to fly were ignored by the agency's leadership.

"Several senior flight surgeons expressed their belief that their medical opinions regarding astronaut fitness for duty, flight safety and mission accomplishment were not valued by leadership other than to validate that all (medical) systems were 'go' for on-time mission completion," says the report, obtained by the Houston Chronicle.
[...]
The findings, which include the fact that "alcohol is freely used in crew quarters" and that shuttle astronauts in at least two instances were launched into space despite warnings that they posed a safety risk by being intoxicated, bring fresh embarrassment to the agency.

NASA Administrator Michael Griffin formed a committee of civilian and military experts to review astronaut health care five months ago, after astronaut Lisa Nowak was arrested in Florida and charged with attempted kidnapping in her strange confrontation with her female rival for the affections of a male astronaut.

Today's report, a summary of which was first revealed Thursday by the trade publication Aviation Week & Space Technology, implies that beyond Nowak's conduct, NASA has looked the other way when it came to some astronauts' reckless behavior, especially the heavy consumption of alcohol before shuttle launches.

Sure, it all sounds pretty bad, but have you ever seen a shuttle launch? Even the ones that don't blow up are still pretty frightening.

I haven't been following the story too closely, but surely some of the folks going up on the shuttle aren't involved in actively piloting the thing. How sober does the person growing the seedlings or the schoolteacher need to be, really?

This was before there was a late break in the case, however...

The report, which is about a dozen pages long and was delivered to NASA's Washington headquarters on Thursday, does not include the names of the intoxicated astronauts, the dates of their risky behavior, nor whether they were quietly disciplined or dismissed.

My sources have revealed one of the names in question, and this new information explains a lot. Apparently one of the astronauts actually requires some form of sedation before boarding a shuttle:

Happy to clear things up.

*Wow, my third APCB entry using lyrics from "Rocket Man" for a title. Keen.

You were the bomb in Iron Eagle III, yo!

The Republican candidate for President who isn't actually a (declared) Republican candidate for President is in Texas today:

On his first trip to Texas since announcing his presidential exploratory committee, Fred Thompson is presenting himself as the contender more conservative than Rudy Giuliani, more consistent than Mitt Romney and more viable than John McCain.

Thompson, who will headline a rally in a Hobby Airport hangar this morning followed by a Galleria-area fundraiser this afternoon, has become the great hope of Republicans looking for an alternative to the GOP frontrunners.
[...]
State Sen. Dan Patrick likened Thompson to Barack Obama, the Illinois senator who has drawn enthusiastic support among Democrats.

"Voters in both parties are fed up with the establishment politicians," said Patrick, R-Houston. "People are so desperate for change and someone they perceive as being a fresh voice."

As Thompson the Hollywood actor and longtime political player knows, perception is key, his supporters say. He has mastered the ability to come across as laid-back and plain-spoken.

Thompson probably is more widely known for his role as the hard-charging district attorney on NBC's Law and Order than he is for the nearly 10 years he spent in the U.S. Senate.

In the campaign for the Republican nomination he has cast himself as the reluctant warrior, not someone whose lifelong ambition it has been to run for president, Patrick said.

He's doing a good job of faking it, then. Otherwise it's hard to jibe that statement with Thompson's membership on the Council on Foreign Relations and 40-year political career, with a lengthy and lucrative stint as a Beltway lobbyist thrown in.

But Patrick's categorization of the Senator as a "reluctant warrior" is dead on, whether he's talking about Thompson's role as the gruff but efficient Rear Admiral Joshua Painter in The Hunt for Red October or his effective use of student deferments to avoid - a la fellow tough-talking candidates Rudy Giuliani, Mitt Romney, and (maybe) Newt Gingrich - military service in Vietnam.

"Nyet, that's just what we wanted you to think!"

Ever read any General Sir John Hackett?

I don't know where I picked up a copy of The Third World War when I was in junior high, but I can say it played a big part in the development of my Cold War era paranoia (which was also shaped by Dr. Strangelove, Testament, and Eddie Albert's nightmares in Dreamscape). It was also oddly comforting, in that the bulk of the conflict is conventional (Soviet forces move into Yugoslavia, the US counters, and the Warsaw Pact reacts by invading Western Europe) and takes place mostly in West Germany, Scandinavia, and Turkey. The only nukes fall on Birmingham, England (sorry, Brummies) and Minsk, USSR, which - combined with the relative ease of the West's victory, was probably overly optimistic.

What prompted this little nostalgia trip? This story:

President Vladimir Putin's announcement over the weekend that Russia will suspend participation in a major European arms control treaty finally got the West's attention.

The Kremlin said the decision was forced by security concerns, but it was seen as less about fears of military confrontation and more about a resurgent Russia's desire to show the West that its interests cannot be ignored.

For years, the Kremlin has voiced its frustration that no NATO members have ratified the updated treaty, which limits the number of tanks, aircraft and other conventional weapons in Europe. After Putin threatened in April to suspend Russia's participation, a meeting was held in Vienna, Austria in June, but no progress was made on breaking the impasse.
[...]
Under Putin, Russia has been reasserting itself as a global power and challenging what it sees as U.S. domination. Washington's plans to build a missile shield in Central Europe have angered Russia, which is bitter over NATO's expansion into the former Soviet bloc.

But Russia's suspension of its participation in the treaty does not reflect any intention for a major buildup of heavy weaponry in European Russia, military experts said. It has neither the need nor the resources, they said.

Uh huh. Maybe I'll revisit that idea of a 30cm concrete shielded "clubhouse" in the backyard anyway, just in case.

In the words of Red Leader...

"Almost there:"

Gov. Rick Perry made his final rulings Friday on legislation approved by Texas lawmakers, vetoing 49 bills that came out of the five-month session.

The Republican governor had until Sunday to decide whether to sign or veto bills, but he planned to get it all done before the weekend.

On Friday, Perry announced he'd signed the 2008-09 state budget into law, allocating $151.9 billion for state programs. He used his line-item veto power to get rid of $570 million from the budget that lawmakers passed.

Vetoing bills from Democrats and Republicans alike, Perry used his veto pen on some legislation before the 140-day session ended May 28 and announced Friday he was striking down dozens of other bills.

The complete list of vetoes is here, and HB 1919 ain't on it. Now, Perry still has until Sunday to change that, but if the Chronicle is right about his wanting to finish up today, this is very good news.

As always, however, I'll withhold final judgment until Monday.

UPDATE: As "peony" indicated in the comments, HB 1919 has been signed (this report wasn't up when I hit the sack earlier this morning).

I may have jumped the gun popping the champagne earlier, but now it looks like we really made it. Thanks once again to everyone who spoke up to their representatives and Governor Perry, wrote an e-mail or letter, or - assuming you're not a resident - bugged someone living here or just sent good thoughts. I'm not going to get all Lenny on you and declare "the system works," but at least in this case, it came through pretty handily. Might be time for a drink.

Or coffee anyway, it is 6:45 in the morning, after all.

HB 1919 - I knew it

Son of a bitch.

Okay, when I wrote yesterday's entry, I missed this story in the Chronicle (thanks to Chuck for the link). Turns out the rumors about the TAB pressuring Perry for a veto weren't rumors after all:

Parents of children with autism cheered when Texas lawmakers revived a dead bill they say will give families hope, save some from bankruptcy and reduce long-term costs for taxpayers.

But the Texas Association of Business wants Gov. Rick Perry to veto House Bill 1919 because of an amendment that changes the definition of autism from a mental illness to a neurobiological illness and requires insurance companies to cover treatment for 3- to 5-year-olds with the disease.

The autism-insurance measure passed the Senate but languished in the House until lawmakers approved it as an amendment to insurance-related legislation just hours before the legislative session ended May 28.
[...]
Perry spokesman Robert Black said the governor and his staff have not decided whether to veto the bill.

"It's not about autism. It's not about brain injuries. It's not about cervical cancer," said the TAB's Shelton Green. "We want to avoid placing mandates on employers, on their health-benefit policies."

Such requirements increase costs for employers who already struggle with annual insurance-premium increases, he said.

"We want to leave the discretion up to the employers and let them decide what health plans (to provide) and not the state," he said.

I can't believe Green said that with a straight face. If such things were "left to the discretion of employers," the only thing mandated for insurance coverage would be care for heart disease and prostate cancer. Oh, and maternity leave wouldn't be paid, I could still slap my administrative assistant on the ass, and the only black co-workers I'd have would be ones washing the dishes in the cafeteria.

The reason the bill changed the definition to "neurobiological illness" is because that's what recent research is saying. More and more studies are coming out about showing evidence of damage to the autistic person's limbic system and cerebellum, and of neurochemical dysfunctions. It's also because insurance companies tend to offer nothing but the bare minimum of coverage to so-called "mental illnesses." Sorry, but 12 speech therapy appointments a year isn't going to cover it.

1 in 150: that's the current estimated rate of occurrence of autism in the U.S. The Shelton Greens and Larry Taylors of this state need to wake the hell up and realize insurance coverage for kids 3-5 is a pittance compared to what this state and others will be spending decades down the road. When Green is long gone and the autistic children of today have become adults that require full-time care because their parents couldn't afford therapy, send his estate the tab.

Or better yet, please call ((800) 252-9600) or e-mail Governor Perry and ask him to sign HB 1919. And please pass the word, it means so much to so many families.

UPDATE: Big surprise, before Shelton Green was the TAB's Governmental Affairs Manager, he was Chief of Staff to...you guessed it...Representative Larry Taylor. I'm sure the industry's bagman on the Insurance Committee is proud his protege is taking up the fight.

HB 1919 - The fat lady has yet to sing

Just an update, HB 1919 was sent to Governor Perry last week (May 30) for his signature. As of right now, he has yet to do so.

Word on the street (i.e. rumors I read somewhere on the internet) is that the Texas Association of Business is leaning heavy on Perry to veto the bill. Perry originally said he'd sign it (the Fox 26 story I saw mentioned it as well), but I've come too far through this to be satisfied until pen is put to paper or it gets filed without his signature, which - since it was sent within 10 days of the Legislature's adjournment - won't happen until the 18th.

Good thing I'm a patient man.

In the meantime, I'll be monitoring Perry's actions on the 80th's bills and biting what remains of my nails. I hate to write another hat-in-hand blog entry, but if any of y'all wanted to call the "Citizen's Opinion" hotline to politely ask him to sign the bill, the number's (800) 252-9600. Or you could e-mail the Gov here. Thanks.

And keep your fingers crossed.

HB 1919 - Passed!

I just left She Who Shall Not Be Named groggily wondering why Daddy was hugging her to the point of crushing her rib cage. The reason? It appears HB 1919 passed with Sen. Lucio's amendment intact. But let's back up a bit.

The Wife and I attended a couple of parties today with a sense of fatalism about the legislation in question. After all, no bills get passed on the very last day of the session. Especially those requiring a 4/5 majority to suspend House rules. I think we'd resigned ourselves to the worst.

So we get home from a birthday party around 3:30 this afternoon and see this:

Just found out that because of the historical events of last night, bills still have a wing and a prayer to be passed out of the House. The last day of the session is usually reserved for technical corrections, but this time, extreme events have changed the rules a bit!

Exhortations were made to call Craddick and our Reps to support HB 1919. I dutifully did so, but balked at posting another update. You guys have been great, but I didn't think making yet another plea on Memorial Day was going to have much impact. Honestly, I figured I'd done what I could, and it was mostly out of my hands.

We spent the evening playing trivia with friends while the kids watched The Lion King, then came home around 9:30. We put SWSNBN to bed, cleaned the house up a little, and checked e-mail.

Much to our surprise - and after reports that there weren't enough votes to bring it to the fall and against all apparent odds - HB 1919 passed the House with Sen. Lucio's amendment intact. Here's one of the many e-mails I received this evening:

I am watching the live stream of the House....Vicki Truitt of Keller ask to RECONSIDER the suspension of the rules...it was voted in favor...then the committee report on 1919 was APPROVED 105 to 32 from the House floor!!!! So, it was reconsidered for rule suspension, heard, and approved!

In other words, from Sen Lucio's office:

Congratulations!

Due to the hard work of all of you, Senator Lucio, Representative Davis, Representative Todd Smith, Representative Vicki Truitt, Senator Van De Putte, Representative Garcia, Representative Rose...and so many more...privately insured kids ages 3-5 with autism will now receive treatment. Thank you all so very much, this is a very special day and we couldn't have done it without all of your support!

I'm still in something of a state of disbelief. Sen Lucio has indicated they have confirmation that Gov. Perry will support the bill with the amendments intact. As always, I'll believe it when I see it, but if anyone wanted to give Perry a gentle shove in the right direction, he can be reached at (800) 252-9600, or you can click here to e-mail him.

For the first time since this whole thing started, I have actual hope. We owe every one of you who called, e-mailed, or shook your fist in anger a debt of thanks for this. If we can get this put into law, it means our daughter would be able to continue her treatment and Mom and Dad might not have to sell the house to make that happen.

Thank you - all of you - who took the time to contact your rep and let them know how important this legislation was. I'm emotionally drained right now, but believe me when I say I would bear all of your children were I physically capable.

UPDATE: Fox 26 is apparently running a story about the new law tonight (Tuesday, 5/29) at 9 PM, in case anybody (in the Houston viewing area) is interested.

HB 1919 - "Woke up in a great mood. Don't know what the hell happened."

Sage words from Mike Damone.

For those keeping score, HB 1919 has been sent to conference committee. The House refused the Senate amendments, requested the committee, and appointed their five conferees. According to the process, the Senate now appoints five from their chamber, two of whom must be members of the Senate committee from which the bill was reported (State Affairs).

The good news is that the Senate committee includes HB 1919's sponsor and co-sponsor (Sens. Leticia Van de Putte and Rodney Ellis). Getting either of them on the conference committee would be a big help.

The bad news, well, the session's almost over, and the bill now faces an uphill climb to get enrolled:

After the committee has met and reached an agreement, a report is submitted to both chambers for approval or disapproval. The report must be approved by at least three conferees from each chamber and must contain the text of the bill as approved by the conference committee, a side-by-side analysis comparing the text of the compromise bill to both the house and the senate versions, and the signatures of those members of the conference committee who approved the report. A conference committee report is not subject to amendment but must be accepted or rejected in its entirety.

Should the proposed compromise remain unacceptable to either chamber, it may be returned to the same conference committee for further deliberation, with or without specific instructions, or the appointment of a new conference committee may be requested. Failure of the conference committee to reach agreement kills the measure. If the conference committee report is acceptable to both chambers, the bill is enrolled, signed by both presiding officers in the presence of their respective chambers, and sent to the governor.

For more bad news, check out the House conferees:

Rep. Todd Smith (R) - Chair (512) 463-0522 - Smith represents the 92nd District (Bedford-Euless-Grand Prairie) and is the author of the original bill. Unfortunately, he's been named a "Fighter for Free Enterprise" by the Texas Association of Business, who have actively opposed the amendment language. Smith is also currently leading the charge against Tom Craddick.

Rep. John Davis (R) - (512) 463-0734 - 129th District (Clear Lake) - I don't know much about Davis, except he was sarcastically referred to as "furniture" by Texas Monthly and was investigated by the Texas Ethics Commission last year.

Rep. David Farabee (D) - (512) 463-0534 - 69th District (Wichita Falls) - Rep. Farabee co-authored HB 510, another bill covering health plan coverage for "mental disorders." That's one. Maybe.

Rep. Kelly Hancock (R) - (512) 463-0599 - 91st District (Ft. Worth) - Hancock, like Larry Taylor, is another Baylor grad on the Insurance Committee. A proponent of "family values" who voted against HB 1919 the first time it came up. No help there.

Rep. John T. Smithee (R) - (512) 463-0702 - 86th District (Amarillo) - Smithee's the Insurance Committee chair but has opposed several measures that would blatantly benefit the industry and let others die in committee. Could go either way, it would appear.

This is going to go down to the wire, it would appear. I'll update when the Senate's conferees are named. And how lovely that all of this is playing in the background to the mutiny against Craddick. Good times.

UPDATE: The Senate conferees include Van de Putte and Ellis, as well as Sen. Lucio, who authored the amendment. That's good news.

UPDATE (5/27): Damn, that was quick. The conference committee report has been filed and, as of 3:22 this morning, printed and distributed. The person who updates the Lege web site is probably getting some well-deserved rest following the craziness of the last week, which unfortunately means I have no idea what was determined in the committee. Stay tuned.

Goodbye SB 419, hello HB 1919

Sorry I'm here begging for phone calls again, but it seems...tell you what, I'll let this e-mail I got from Sen. Lucio's office explain:

Unfortunately, like so many other good Senate bills, SB 419 was essentially "timed out" in the House and died. However, Senator Lucio was able to amend most of the language from SB 419 onto HB 1919 by Representative Todd Smith/Senator Leticia Van de Putte. HB 1919 requires specific treatment for individuals with traumatic brain injury. The Senate also amended language relating to mental health parity to HB 1919. Tomorrow, May 25th, the House of Representatives will decide whether or not to concur with these Senate amendments to HB 1919. Texas Association of Business and the Citizens Commission on Human Rights are both working hard to convince House members to oppose these amendments, so we have to work twice as hard to ensure members support them. We know there will be a few House members who will try to oppose the Senate amendments, but as long as we have a simple majority who support them, the current bill will remain intact with the early intervention amendments. We also have confirmation that Governor Perry will support the Senate amendments to HB 1919.

The best way for you to take action is to call your own State Representative and urge them to concur with Senate amendments to HB 1919. It would be helpful to explain to them why these amendments are important in terms of supporting Texas families and saving taxpayers money. Representative Smith's (HB 1919 author) office has been very good to work with and we do not recommend calling them at this time.

The final version of HB 1919 hasn't been updated on the House web site yet, so here's the relevant wording:

Sec. 1355.015. REQUIRED COVERAGE FOR CERTAIN CHILDREN. (a) At a minimum, a health benefit plan must provide coverage as provided by this section to an enrollee older than two years of age and younger than six years of age who is diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder. If an enrollee who is being treated for autism spectrum disorder becomes six years of age or older and continues to need treatment, this subsection does not preclude coverage of treatment and services described by Subsection (b).

(b) The health benefit plan must provide coverage under this section to the enrollee for all generally recognized services prescribed in relation to autism spectrum disorder by the enrollee's primary care physician in the treatment plan recommended by that physician. An individual providing treatment prescribed under this subsection must be a health care practitioner:

  (1) who is licensed, certified, or registered by an appropriate agency of this state;

  (2) whose professional credential is recognized and accepted by an appropriate agency of the United States; or

  (3) who is certified as a provider under the TRICARE military health system.

(c) For purposes of Subsection (b), "generally recognized services" may include services such as:

  (1) evaluation and assessment services;

  (2) applied behavior analysis;

  (3) behavior training and behavior management;

  (4) speech therapy;

  (5) occupational therapy;

  (6) physical therapy; or

  (7) medications or nutritional supplements used to address symptoms of autism spectrum disorder.

(d) Coverage under Subsection (b) may be subject to annual deductibles, copayments, and coinsurance that are consistent with annual deductibles, copayments, and coinsurance required for other coverage under the health benefit plan.

(e) Notwithstanding any other law, this section does not apply to a standard health benefit plan provided under Chapter 1507.

This is much better, because it looks like ABA is back on the table. Regardless of what I said last week, this really is the home stretch people. I know I've asked a lot, but please call your rep (find 'em here) and let them know you support the Senate amendments to HB 1919. Thank you.

SB 419 - The Home Stretch

Okay, you guys are probably as sick of hearing about this as I am of writing about it, but by some strange confluence of events, SB 419 has been placed on the General House Calendar for Monday, May 21. I admit, I have mixed feelings about a bill that's been stripped of ABA, but in its current version it will still provide coverage for speech and occupational therapy. And until we can convince the likes of Rep. Larry Taylor that supporting insurance coverage for autism won't cost them their place in line at the Rapture, we'll need to jam the phones.

So in the spirit of "something is better than nothing," I'm asking once again for all Texas residents to call their representatives (look 'em up here if you haven't already) and tell them to support SB 419. E-mails and faxes are effective as well.

Thanks again.

UPDATE: The Galveston County Daily News has printed a couple of letters regarding SB 419 and Rep. Taylor's involvement. One of which is mine.

See you in hell, Jerry

Of course, I don't believe in an afterlife. If I did, I'd hope Ray Wylie Hubbard was right.

In the meantime, what Susan Jacoby said:

Predictably, obituary writers are already portraying the Reverend Jerry Falwell as a more respectable figure than he was. Ah, what a beautiful tradition it is to speak no ill of the dead!

In the online edition of The New York Times, writer Peter Applebome observes that Falwell was "demonized on the left in much the same way Senator Edward M. Kennedy or Jane Fonda were on the right." The word "demonized" suggests that the well-meaning Falwell was treated unfairly by the left and that there ought to be a more balanced view of his so-called achievements.

How do you demonize a man who declared that the 9/11 terrorist attacks were evidence of God's judgment on a nation corrupted by civil libertarians and advocates of abortion and gay rights? Falwell demonized himself and followed up his sincere vitriol with the usual insincere public relations apology.

Jerry Falwell, by mobilizing the religious Right as a force for reactionary politics, played a vital long-term role in every retrograde social trend of the past thirty years. He and his Christian soldiers put George W. Bush in the White House.

This man's legacy is one of bigotry, xenophobia, anti-modernism, and utter stupidity. No doubt his funeral will be well-attended.

No doubt.

HB 1224/SB 419 Update - 5/14

The SB 419 committee report has been sent to Calendars, but hasn't shown up on the House schedule for the next two days (which is as far as the TLO site shows right now). Of course, that was almost a week ago and...well, we're trying to keep our hopes up.

Anyway, the Dallas Morning News printed my letter (it's the fifth one down). The Galveston County Daily News told me they were going to run it as well, but as of yet it hasn't shown up.

I sent the letter out in one form or another (200-250 words to papers that just take letters, 600-650 words to the ones that take guest editorials) to just about every major paper in the state. I'll probably start hitting the smaller ones tomorrow.

One thing I will say, the Daily News is apparently pretty keen on putting up letters related to this issue (I know because I've been informed by another person that the paper is printing theirs as well). Whether it has something to do with autism coverage itself or just thumbing their pinko noses at Rep. Taylor I couldn't begin to speculate. All I'm saying is, if you felt compelled to send them a letter, I certainly wouldn't object.

HB 1224/SB 419 Update

Same shit, different bill.

First of all, I want to thank everybody for your support following last week's entry. The response has been - frankly - overwhelming, and it means a lot to all of us.

Unfortunately, things have progressed, and not exactly in the way we'd hoped.

HB 1224 is most likely dead in the water. This in itself isn't that horrible, because its companion - SB 419 - passed the Senate unanimously and was sent to the House. What is...disheartening (I'm trying to limit my profanity this time around, which won't be easy) is that it went to the Insurance Committee once again and, once again, it was amended by Rep. Larry Taylor, the insurance lobby's best friend.

I finally got a hold of someone from Rep. Taylor's office today, and - in between parroting the Republican line about insurance mandates being "bad for small business" - she actually suggested to me that the amended version of the bill was preferable, because it had "a better chance of passing the House."

"Really? A better chance than a bill that already passed the Senate unanimously?" I asked.

"We feel this version is better because it still offers coverage for occupational and speech therapy," Was the reply.

"Is Mr. Taylor aware that ABA is the most effective treatment for autistic spectrum disorders?"

"He is."

"...and he sincerely believes that removing it from the bill is better for the thousands of children in the state diagnosed on the autistic spectrum?"

"Mr. Vonder Haar, do you know how many insurance mandate bills are introduced every session?"

And so on. I won't reproduce the whole conversation, mostly because the remainder of is more of the same mealy-mouthed bilge couched in "fighting the good fight" rhetoric. Rep. Taylor is obviously sticking to his guns, for reasons that are known only to him and his lobbyist friends.

So now what? I also spoke to a very nice woman from the office of Sen. Eddie Lucio, Jr., who authored SB 419. She said they still want to push to get ABA back in, either by amending it on the floor of the House or in the joint conference committee. The latter seems like the more likely course of action, and the bill could still be killed if no agreement is reached.

I'm on a notification list for when the committee members are chosen, so expect another update pleading for phone calls when that happens. I don't like to keep shouting for us to storm the ramparts, because such exhortations become less effective over time.

What I will request is that people continue to register their displeasure with Rep. Taylor for his transparently self-serving actions, especially anyone in Friendswood, League City, Santa Fe, or other parts of Galveston County he represents.

As for our next course of action, we looked into taking out an ad in Chronicle, but I'm not sure what that would serve at this point. I've asked their editorial board to weigh in on the matter (if readers in Austin, Dallas, and San Antonio wanted to make the same request of their local newspapers, I wouldn't object), and am composing a "reader essay" on the subject myself.

I'll keep you posted, and again, thanks to everyone for their support.

The passing of a titan

A titan in the office supply business, that is. Rest assured everyone in the Midstate Accountz Reeceevin' posse is pouring their latte on the curb today:

POYNETTE, WI--Foul play is suspected in the death of an accounts receivable supervisor for a regional office-supply company, sheriff's deputies reported Tuesday.

Herbert F. Kornfeld, 34, was an alleged accounting gang leader considered by law enforcement to be a key player in a series of ongoing office worker turf wars. He was found dead Monday morning in the third-floor copy room of Midstate Office Supply, his employer of 12 years.

"We believe the victim was assaulted after hours Friday by an unknown individual or individuals," a Columbia County sheriff's departmaent spokesman said. "Though autopsy results are still pending, we believe the victim suffered fatal head trauma after his face was immobilized against the glass of a photocopier and repeatedly struck with the machine's cover."

Midstate Office Supply vice-president Howard Dinwiddie is expected this week to name accounts receivable assistant Irving Weinbaum, 23, as Kornfeld's successor.

Weinbaum, eh? Don't think this is the last we'll hear of this suspicious crime, especially considering Kornfeld's own comments from less than a week ago:

Everythang fallin' 2 shit, know what I'm sayin'? Check it out: Not only tha A.P. out foe blood, now tha new breed o' A.R. punks be fuckin' up everythang they ol' school foefatherz worked foe. They ain't got no respect foe tha traditions o' tha past. They just clockpunchin' hos afta tha office chedda. Some-a them be comin' outta bidness college thinkin' they can round up 2 tha nearest dolla. No lie. Wack-ass wannabes.

Ain't nobody moe wack than Irving Weinbaum, Gary's replacement. I'd fire his ass wit' a quickness, but tha comptrolla Gerald Luckenbill say he one-a tha few A.R. peeps not doin' time right now an' we needs him. Hell, I don't needs him.

Go gently, H-Dog.

1973 - 2007

"Come on people, this poetry isn't going to appreciate itself!"

I don't have much to add to the avalanche of coverage regarding the Virginia Tech shootings. Graduating from the University of Texas, and having the Whitman bullet holes pointed out to me by a far too enthusiastic sophomore during my campus orientation tour, I'm somewhat familiar with that sense of unease that comes from taking a daily trip over the site of a mass murder. However, I can't begin to imagine what the friends and families of the victims are going through, or how tough it'll be going back to class next week.

Anyway, big surprise, we found out the shooter was a bit of a loner. Even worse, he indulged in "twisted" writing:

A student who attended Virginia Tech last fall provided obscenity- and violence-laced screenplays that he said Cho wrote as part of a playwriting class they both took. One was about a fight between a stepson and his stepfather, and involved throwing of hammers and attacks with a chainsaw. Another was about students fantasizing about stalking and killing a teacher who sexually molested them.
[...]
Professor Carolyn Rude, chairwoman of the university's English department, said Cho's writing was so disturbing that he had been referred to the university's counseling service.

"Sometimes, in creative writing, people reveal things and you never know if it's creative or if they're describing things, if they're imagining things or just how real it might be," Rude said. "But we're all alert to not ignore things like this."

So, he wrote screenplays that aped the plots of The Texas Chain Saw Massacre and Sleepers?

I've lost track of the number of times I've been thankful for being born long enough ago so that this kind of thing didn't really raise a lot of hackles when I was young (or if it did, I wasn't aware of it). There were several of us in high school who wrote things that could charitably be described as "excessively murderous," though we tried to temper it with humor. Even so, I doubt we could do the same thing today without getting hauled in front of an army of therapists and fed hefty doses of chlorpromazine.

Can't say if it would've helped Cho.

EDIT: Having just read Richard McBeef, one of the plays in question, I have two things to add:

1. If this is the quality of writing coming out of our upper level university English courses, America is truly doomed.

2. Everything we wrote in high school had a higher body count than that, though our stuff usually included elements like invisible super soldiers and sentient flying doughnuts.

And they just kept a chainsaw lying around the kitchen?

It was a short trip

Like, to the end of the driveway:

Olympic bomber Eric Rudolph laments in a series of letters to a newspaper that the maximum-security federal prison where he is spending the rest of his life is designed to drive him insane.

"It is a closed-off world designed to isolate inmates from social and environmental stimuli, with the ultimate purpose of causing mental illness and chronic physical conditions such as diabetes, heart disease and arthritis," he wrote in one letter to The Gazette of Colorado Springs.

Rudolph wrote that he spends 23 hours a day in his 7-by-12-foot cell, his only exercise confined to an enclosed area he described as a "large empty swimming pool" divided into "dog-kennel style cages."

"Using solitary confinement, Supermax is designed to inflict as much misery and pain as is constitutionally permissible," he wrote in a letter.

Between this and the news about Pinochet's death, I don't think my tear ducts have ever been drier.

"Everything's better
Down where it's wetter"

This is why they call them "killer whales" and not "fluffy boo boo whales":

A killer whale at the Sea World theme park grabbed a trainer by the foot and held him underwater during a show Wednesday.

The trainer escaped and was in good condition later, park officials said.
Kasatka, a 30-year-old killer whale who is a veteran of many performances, grabbed the trainer and pulled him underwater, said Mike Scarpuzzi, head trainer at Sea World.

Other trainers were able to persuade the whale to surface, allowing the trainer a breath of air, but enacted emergency procedures in place for such instances, Scarpuzzi said.

The other trainers got a net in the pool, and the trainer, who also has years of experience, was able to calm the whale, swim to the other side of the net and get out of the pool, he said.

We, as a nation, have tragically forgotten the painful lessons taught us by Siegfried and Roy.

Didn't you people see Deep Blue Sea? You can't allow these intelligent carnivores to swim around with impunity. Instead of firing a shotgun into its brain like Thomas Jane's character wanted to do, you guys decided to go the Saffron Burrows route and let the beast live. I think we all know how this ends up. SeaWorld will be collapsing into the ocean any day now.

Sure, it's a bummer and all, but at least it was an isolated…what's that?:

Tourists flock to Fisherman's Wharf for the seafood and the stunning views of San Francisco Bay, but for many visitors, the real stars are the dozens of playful, whiskered sea lions that lounge by the water's edge, gulping down fish.

Now a series of sea-lion attacks on people in recent months has led experts to warn that the animals are not as cute and cuddly as they appear.

"People should understand these animals are out there not to attack people or humans. But they're out there to survive for themselves," said Jim Oswald, a spokesman for the Marine Mammal Center across the Golden Gate Bridge from San Francisco.

In the most frightening of the recent episodes, a rogue sea lion bit 14 swimmers this month and chased 10 more out of the water at San Francisco's Aquatic Park, a sheltered lagoon near the bay. At least one victim suffered puncture wounds.

Some scientists speculate that the animals' aggressive behavior is being caused by eating fish contaminated by toxic algae, or by a shortage of food off the coast. But wildlife experts say even healthy sea lions are best left alone.

I think anything lion-related is best left alone, period.

With the following exceptions:

World Cup Willie - 1966 World Cup Mascot (not, in fact, a nickname for Franz Beckenbauer's penis)
The Great Sphinx
Lyon, France - Much better than that snooty Saint-Etienne
White Lion - Some of the comments for this video are sublime.

Continuing with our theme of "aquatic denizens gone wild," comes the story of a near-finalist for the Darwin Awards:

MIAMI, Florida (Reuters) -- Florida sheriff's deputies jumped into a dark lake and pulled a naked man from the jaws of an alligator early Wednesday, authorities said.

The man lost his left arm and had a broken right arm and major injuries to his left leg, Polk County Sheriff Grady Judd said. He was hospitalized in critical condition.

After several people reported hearing screams for help from central Florida's Lake Parker at about 4 a.m. ET, deputies arrived to find the man in the alligator's grasp, the sheriff said.

Four deputies waded through waist-deep mud, wrestled the man free and pulled him about 40 yards back to shore to a waiting ambulance, Judd said.

"He was totally naked," Judd said of the victim, identified as 45-year-old Adrian Apgar.
"He admitted that he'd been smoking crack cocaine. But still, it's a human life," Judd said at a news conference. "Our deputies don't ask questions, they respond and they save people."

This was apparently a misunderstanding, as Apgar merely asked the alligator if he was holding.

"But of course, for that ending to work you would have to ignore all the Simpson DNA evidence. And that would be downright nutty."

All jokes about O.J. Simpson writing a book and conducting an interview on how he would've committed the murders of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman - and there are a metric fuckton, believe me - withered on the vine for me when I saw the cover of the book in question. If this is a gag, my hat's off to whoever pulled it off. If it isn't, well, words fail me:

I mean...you just...it can't...

The Wife and I were discussing the current events of the day and, when we reflected upon it, O.J.'s decision makes a certain amount of sense. The guy's obviously a legitimate sociopath, but worse, he's an egomaniac. He hasn't been on the front page in ten years, and since (I imagine) the character of Nordberg will be conspicuously absent from any future installments in the Naked Gun series, this is his last, best shot at capturing the nation's attention.

Until he finally tracks down the "real killers," of course.

It just keeps getting better

Majorities, biyatch:

A Democratic takeover of the Senate is appearing likely after an ongoing canvass of votes in Virginia produced no significant changes in the outcome of the hard-fought race led by Democratic challenger Jim Webb, sources told CNN Wednesday.

Wednesday night, with Webb leading Republican Sen. George Allen by about 7,200 votes and the canvass about half complete, The Associated Press declared Webb the winner.
[...]
A victory by Webb would put the new Senate lineup at 49 Democrats, 49 Republicans and two independents -- Bernie Sanders of Vermont and Joe Lieberman of Connecticut -- who have said they would caucus with the Democrats.

That would give the Democrats the 51 votes they need to claim a majority for the first time since 2002.
[...]
If the Virginia result is confirmed, Democrats will take over the Senate and the House of Representatives in January, and Bush said he would work with whomever was in charge.

That's quite a refreshing change of attitude, considering the Republicans' recent history of excluding Democrats from virtually all aspects of the lawmaking process. Maybe someone should've informed Hastert and Sensenbrenner of their President's desire for bipartisan cooperation before they made midnight votes and closed sessions par for the course.

As control of the House moves to the Democrats, Bush said immigration and minimum wage measures were areas of common ground to discuss when he meets Democratic speaker-to-be Nancy Pelosi Thursday.

"We can work together over the next two years," the president said.

For a change, I guess. Bush's statements remind me of Arjen Rudd shooting Riggs then hoisting his credentials aloft while claiming "diplomatic immunity." The problem is, it was his party that turned our Congress into a rubber stamp instead of a functioning legislature and/or a legitimate check on the Presidency. To quote that book they're so fond of hiding behind (and Young Guns), "For they sow the wind, and they reap the whirlwind." Enjoy the backlash.

Meanwhile, back in Texas, gains by Dems weren't quite as impressive. Certainly I'm happy that Nick Lampson won CD22, and Ellen Cohen and Hubert Vo secured State seats, but the Lone Star State is still heavily red.

Shit, this guy was actually elected Land Commissioner:

I don't know exactly how mastery of the Weaver stance contributes to one's abilities to do this job, even if - as an '80s action movie aficionado - I can appreciate the aesthetics of this mailer, but...what the fuck?

"I am looking forward to an orderly election tomorrow, which will eliminate the need for a violent bloodbath."

An off-year election always means great turnout, Regardless, polls are open from 7 AM to 7 PM, and you can find your local (for Houston folks) polling place here. As for whom you should vote for, my proclivities are already pretty well known, and since I'm in a bit of a hurry, I'll just quote last weekend's episode of Real Time with Bill Maher::

New Rule: Controlling Congress is for closers. Listen up, Democrats, it's as simple as ABC: Always Be Closing. First prize? Controlling congressional committees, with subpoena power. Second prize: set of steak knives. Third prize? You're fired.

The election is four days away, and I'm through dicking around with you. Here are your talking points:

1) When they say, "Democrats will raise taxes," you say, "We have to, because some asshole spent all the money in the world cutting Paris Hilton's taxes and not killing Osama bin Laden." In just six years the national debt has doubled. You can't keep spending money you don't take in, that's not even elementary economics, that's just called "Don't be Michael Jackson."

2) When they say, "The terrorists want the Democrats to win," you say, "Are you insane? George Bush has been a terrorist's wet dream, and nonpartisan commissions have confirmed that he's a recruiter's dream: theirs, not ours. And, he has exhausted our military without coming away with a win, the worst of both worlds." Bush inflames radical hatred against America and then runs on offering to protect us from it. It's like a guy throwing shit on you and then selling you relief from the flies.

3) When they say, "Cut and Run" or "Defeatocrat," you say, "Bush lost the war -- period." All this nonsense about "the violence is getting worse because they're trying to influence our election." No, it's getting worse because you drew up the postwar plans on the back of a cocktail napkin at Applebee's. And of course Democrats want to win, but that's impossible now that you've ethnically cleansed the place by making it unlivable, just like you did with New Orleans.

4) When they say that actual combat veterans like John Kerry are "denigrating" the troops, you say, "You're completely full of shit." Remember when Al Gore caught all that flak for sighing and moaning during that debate? Yeah, don't do that. Just say, "You're full of shit."

If I was a troop, the support I would want back home would mainly come in the form of people pressuring Washington to get me out of this pointless nightmare. That's how I would feel supported.

So when they say, "Democrats are obstructionists," you say, "You're welcome." Because with a bad administration that has bad ideas, obstruction is a good thing, just as it's a good thing to obstruct a drunk from getting his car keys. I would be happy to frame the debate as a fight between the Obstructionists and the Enablers. There's your talking point: "Vote Republican, and you vote to enable George Bush to keep ruling as an emperor." A retarded, child emperor, but an emperor.

Democrats, you've got two days to get out there and close. It's not about slogans this time. Although when it comes to slogans, accept no other from your opponent except this one: "The Republican Party: We're Sorry."

Vote.

UPDATE: Democrats take control of the House. Senate still too close to call. Perry wins. So does Lampson. Hell of a night all around.

"You know, you don't act like a scientist."
"They're usually pretty stiff."

And none more so than physicists (sorry Greg):

It may be the season for vampires, ghosts and zombies. Just remember, they're not real, warns physicist Costas Efthimiou.

Obviously, you might say.

But Efthimiou, a professor at the University of Central Florida, points to surveys that show American gullibility for the supernatural. Using science and math, Efthimiou explains why it is ghosts can't walk among us while also gliding through walls, like Patrick Swayze in the movie "Ghost." That violates Newton's law of action and reaction. If ghosts walk, their feet apply force to the floor, but if they go through walls they are without substance, the professor says.

"So which is it? Are ghosts material or material-less?" he asks.

The fact that I remember anything about Ghost, multiple viewings of which have been proven to cause suppurative uveitis, sends me into a deeper funk than I ever known, but wasn't Swayze's struggle to learn how to become partially corporeal the whole fucking point of half that movie? If we're going to accept the premise that one's "life force" can somehow survive their physical death, then is it that much of a leap to say they can become intangible at will?

More to the point, does this count toward Efthimiou's publishing total?

Zombies and vampires fare even worse under Efthimiou's skeptical microscope.

Groan

Efthimiou takes out the calculator to prove that if a vampire sucked one person's blood each month -- turning each victim into an equally hungry vampire -- after a couple of years there would be no people left, just vampires. He started his calculations with just one vampire and 537 million humans on January 1, 1600 and shows that the human population would be down to zero by July 1602.

It's good to see that the University of Central Florida's requirements for expounding on folklore don't actually require you to read anything about the subject. Of course you'd run of humans, that's why vampires don't kill everyone they feed upon. Vampire authors from Stoker to…*sigh...Rice have gone through great lengths to explain that "turning" someone is generally a rare occurrence, while even popcorn movies like Underworld and the Blade series describe feeding strategies.

I eagerly await Efthimiou's condescending explanation as to why it isn't possible to graft metal to one's skeleton and how come spiders can't grow to be twenty feet tall.

"We're talking about a large fraction of the public that believes in subjects that scientists believe are out of the question," said Efthimiou. His paper is in an archive awaiting publication either in the journal Physics Education or the magazine Skeptical Inquirer, he said.

University of Maryland physics professor Bob Park, author of the book "Voodoo Science," said scientists have to keep telling the public what seems all-too-obvious.

"There are things that we need to point out that are crap," Park said.

What a fabulous idea. How about shelving the ghosts-and-goblins tirade and clearing up a few other things? Here, I'll start you off:

+ Intelligent design is not science
+ Neither is astrology
+ HIV is not an airborne pathogen
+ Abortions don't cause breast cancer
+ "Abstinence" =/= "sex education"

Get everyone squared away on those and you can bitch about George A. Romero all you want.

The easy way out

Uh-huh:

Convicted Enron Corp. founder Ken Lay, who was found guilty of helping perpetuate one of the most sprawling business frauds in U.S. history, has died of a massive coronary. He was 64.

Nicknamed "Kenny Boy'' by President Bush, Lay led Enron's meteoric rise from a staid natural gas pipeline company formed by a 1985 merger to an energy and trading conglomerate that reached No. 7 on the Fortune 500 in 2000 and claimed $101 billion in annual revenues.
Click to learn more...

He was convicted May 25 along with former Enron CEO Jeffrey Skilling of defrauding investors and employees by repeatedly lying about Enron's financial strength in the months before the company plummeted into bankruptcy protection in December 2001. Lay was also convicted in a separate non-jury trial of bank fraud and making false statements to banks, charges related to his personal finances. He was scheduled to be sentenced Oct. 23.
[...]
According to a statement from the Pitkin County Sheriff's Office, deputies and an ambulance had been sent to Lay's Old Snowmass home at 1:41 a.m. for a medical emergency. Lay was then transported to Aspen Valley Hospital where he was pronounced dead at 3:11 a.m. A coroner's autopsy is pending.

Pat Worcester, executive assistant to CEO at Aspen Valley Hospital, said the hospital would release a statement later.

Skilling told The Associated Press that he was aware of Lay's death, but declined further comment.

Prosecutors in Lay's trial declined comment today, both on his unexpected death and what may become of the government's effort to seek a $43.5 million judgment from Lay that they say he pocketed as part of the conspiracy.

Not to sound to macabre, but I'm going to channel the spirit of Ed Rooney and tell them they need to produce a body before I'm buying it. The guy was looking at spending the rest of his life in prison, so I'm laying odds on either "self-induced heart attack" or "fled to South Pacific with ill-gotten funds."

Skilling probably declined further comment because he was pissed off for not thinking of it first.

"Ben, you're always [biking] here and there"

"You never wear that helmet anywhere"

If Roethlisberger decides to ride his motorycle without skull protection in a state where he isn't legally required to do so, that's his prerogative. It's also his ass (and jaw, and nose), as they say, and if he doesn't want to invest that fat NFL salary into some kevlar for his massive cranium, things like this are going to happen:

Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger broke his jaw and nose in a motorcycle crash Monday, but doctors said they had successfully treated his multiple facial fractures after hours of surgery.

Roethlisberger, the youngest quarterback to lead a team to the Super Bowl championship, was taken to Pittsburgh's Mercy Hospital, where he underwent seven hours of surgery after the late morning accident.

It was unknown whether the accident would affect Roethlisberger's chances of playing this season, when the team hopes to repeat its Super Bowl victory of earlier this year.
[...]
The 24-year-old Roethlisberger was not wearing a helmet, Pittsburgh police said. He has said he likes to ride without one, a habit that once prompted a lecture from Cowher.

And will prompt several more, no doubt.

I think helmets should be mandatory, myself, but it's not illegal in many states (Pennsylvania and Texas being two of them). The odds are so fantastically against you in a helmetless crash, I tend to view the exercise as a sort of high-speed thinning of the herd. I'm sure Roethlisberger was insured, which means the only financial strain will be put upon the Steelers organization, who are as we speak sitting down to rewrite Big Ben's contract to include a helmet clause, if not a prohibition on riding motorcycles altogether.

I'd have absolutely no problem with folks riding helmetless if everyone who did so also filled out an organ donor card. At least that way someone benefits from their stupidity.

Hail Hydra

For all the trumpeting this morning regarding the death of al-Zarqawi (CNN even broke out the size 24 font), it seems celebration is a bit premature. The guy wasn't a Blofeld-ian supervillain, and his death won't cause the insurgents to slink away into the shadows. Reality will set in once people realize IEDs and car bombs are going to keep going off without him.

Somebody certainly seems eager to capitalize on the situation, however, as President Bush is preparing to hold a news conference at 6:30 AM. How prompt.

Do we still have 6,000 National Guard troops?

How do you solve a problem like a dismal approval rating?

The issue of "earned citizenship" -- or "amnesty," as opponents of the proposal call it -- is likely to be at center stage as lawmakers take up President Bush's call for immigration reform.

Bush's approach to immigration, outlined in an address Monday night, combines tougher border enforcement with a guest-worker program.

Trying to navigate the election-year minefield on the issue, Bush called for the short-term deployment of up to 6,000 National Guard troops in a supporting role along the U.S.-Mexico border.

And, for the first time, he endorsed a controversial proposal to give illegal immigrants already in the United States a path to work toward citizenship.

With less than six months until the mid-term elections, somebody evidently convinced Bush he needed to do something to reverse his plummeting approval ratings (currently at 29%). Walking a thin line in order to appease both sides, he doesn't seem to be doing a very good job, especially with his own party.

Rep. Dana Rohrabacher, a California Republican, said he was "very disappointed" by the president's speech. He took issue with Bush's distinction between a legalization process for illegal immigrants and amnesty.

"If they are here illegally and you make them here legally, that is an amnesty," Rohrabacher said.

Rep. Tom Tancredo, a Colorado Republican, agreed.

Tancredo said on Fox News that Bush's plan to give some illegal immigrants a way to work their way to citizenship is "not fair" to those who have "been waiting for years outside the country to come in."

On the other hand, you could look at it as a reward for actually having the initiative to come over here in the first place. I thought Republicans were big fans of taking the lead and seizing control of your own destiny. Or does that just count for white people?

Conservatives say targeting businesses that employ illegal immigrants is the answer. When businesses can no longer hire them, the illegal immigrants will leave, they say.

In that case, you better start dusting off the next minimum wage increase. The alternative is closing down those businesses that do hire them, though I guess that won't bother you if your first inclination when dining out is to go to Luby's.

"Look on the bright side, Dad. Did you know that the Chinese use the same word for 'crisis' as they do for 'opportunity?'"
"Yes...Crisa-tunity."

No crisis here, as it seems I won't be drafted by the Chinese army anytime soon:

China's military is to bar recruits who are heavy snorers and those who have "fashionable tattoos", the official Xinhua news agency says.

The report does not say how the army will test for chronic snoring, but it quoted a health official saying tattoos "tarnish the military's image".
[...]
A report in the Beijing Morning Post said that the snoring standards were being brought in for military school recruits because "the nasal sound of chronic snorers disturbs collective life."

Apparently no one over there has mastered The Wife's patented Elbow to the Thorax technique which, bruising of the ribs aside, has proven pretty effective.

"Hail, Ming!"

As nice as it was to hear that Jill Carroll had been released (I guess even the insurgents understand the negative PR resulting from beheading a cute, white woman), it wasn't until watching Meet the Press this morning that I actually heard of the so-called "controversy" regarding her statements made while in captivity:

Protected by the U.S. military and far from the country where she had been held hostage, Jill Carroll strongly disavowed statements she had made during captivity in Iraq and shortly after her release, saying Saturday she had been repeatedly threatened.

In a video, recorded before she was freed and posted by her captors on an Islamist Web site, Carroll spoke out against the U.S. military presence. But in a statement Saturday, she said the recording was made under threat. Her editor has said three men were pointing guns at her at the time.

"During my last night in captivity, my captors forced me to participate in a propaganda video. They told me I would be released if I cooperated. I was living in a threatening environment, under their control, and wanted to go home alive. So I agreed," she said in a statement read by her editor in Boston.
[...]
"At any rate, fearing retribution from my captors, I did not speak freely. Out of fear, I said I wasn't threatened. In fact, I was threatened many times," she said. "Also, at least two false statements about me have been widely aired: One — that I refused to travel and cooperate with the U.S. military, and two — that I refused to discuss my captivity with U.S. officials. Again, neither statement is true."

The remarks have drawn criticism from conservative bloggers and commentators, but the Monitor said "Carroll did what many hostage experts and past captives would have urged her to do: Give the men who held the power of life and death over her what they wanted."

I'm sure those criticizing Carroll for her "traitorous" behavior have foreign policy experience reaching all the way back to '80s cinema, where it didn't matter how many Soviet commandos were holding AK-47s to your head, the only statements you should make would be the equivalent of, "Murdoch, I'm coming to get you" before heroically breaking free and single-handedly wiping out an entire battalion.

Me, I'm a sight larger than Jill Carroll (I'm taller than Stallone too, for that matter), and given the same circumstances I'd be only too happy to mouth whatever ridiculous propaganda they placed in front of me. I might even, to quote another '80s icon, "consider makin' up some shit" if it meant I could keep my head and see my family again. If that makes me a traitor, pass the falafel.

Pity Warren Zevon's dead

But then, "Coyotes of New York" doesn't quite have the same *oomph*.

Meh, we've had these guys in our parks for years:

A wily coyote led sharpshooters armed with tranquilizer guns on a two-day chase through Central Park before it was finally captured Wednesday morning.

At one point, the searchers had the coyote cornered near the park's ice rink, but the clever creature jumped into the water, ducked under a bridge, then scampered through the rink grounds and ran off.

The coyote was captured somewhere north of that area, Parks Department spokesman Ashe Reardon said.

The hunt had been on since Tuesday afternoon when Parks Commissioner
Adrian Benepe, among others, spotted the animal in the southeast corner of the park, not far from the tony Upper East Side. People had reported seeing it in the area since early Sunday.

I'd have left him there. NYC's kind of lost that sense of danger ever since Giuliani killed moved the homeless and Times Square became Disneyland North. Besides, what's a few chihuahuas when they're helping control the rat population?

The coyote, nicknamed Hal by Parks Department staffers, may have wandered into the city from Westchester County, perhaps swimming across a river, Benepe said. Another coyote found its way to Central Park in 1999 and is now kept in the Queens Zoo.

That's one possibility (and would've been a great tangent if the X-Men had a team member named "Coyote"), but if Albert Finney shows up you can all kiss your asses goodbye.

Think what he must've been like before he stopped doing coke

I forget where I first saw this, but apparently Charlie Sheen has decided that being married to a woman who played the nuclear scientist in The World is Not Enough now qualifes him to speak on matters of physics:

Actor Charlie Sheen has joined a growing army of other highly credible public figures in questioning the official story of 9/11 and calling for a new independent investigation of the attack and the circumstances surrounding it.
[...]
Speaking to The Alex Jones Show on the GCN Radio Network, the star of current hit comedy show Two and a Half Men and dozens of movies including Platoon and Young Guns, Sheen elaborated on why he had problems believing the government's version of events.
[...]
"It seems to me like 19 amateurs with box cutters taking over four commercial airliners and hitting 75% of their targets, that feels like a conspiracy theory. It raises a lot of questions."

Thanks for your input, Carlos. Mr. Sheen apparently never had the post-9/11 discussions I had with my friends, when we speculated why nobody resisted the hijackers. I pointed out that, until that day, nobody had any reason to believe they wouldn't release everyone once their demands were met. There existed no precedent for flying a plane into a building until September 11th.

The good news, of course, is that this approach is unlikely ever to work again.

Sheen described his immediate skepticism regarding the official reason for the collapse of the twin towers and building 7 on the day of 9/11.

"I was up early and we were going to do a pre-shoot on Spin City, the show I used to do, I was watching the news and the north tower was burning. I saw the south tower hit live, that famous wide shot where it disappears behind the building and then we see the tremendous fireball."

"There was a feeling, it just didn't look any commercial jetliner I've flown on any time in my life and then when the buildings came down later on that day I said to my brother 'call me insane, but did it sort of look like those buildings came down in a controlled demolition'?"

I don't know much about physics, so maybe someone else can explain how high temperatures cause metal to buckle, which in turn causes floors above the heat source to collapse, and so on, and so on. Wait, I forgot, he was the voice of reason in Platoon (and the vengeful ghost in The Wraith). Carry on.

Sheen then questioned President Bush's actions on 9/11 and his location at the Booker Elementary School in Florida. Once Andy Card had whispered to Bush that America was under attack why didn't the secret service immediately whisk Bush away to a secret location?

By remaining at a location where it was publicly known the President would be before 9/11, he was not only putting his own life in danger, but the lives of hundreds of schoolchildren. That is unless the government knew for sure what the targets were beforehand and that President Bush wasn't one of them.

"It seems to me that upon the revelation of that news that the secret service would grab the President as if he was on fire and remove him from that room," said Sheen.

The question of how Bush saw the first plane hit the north tower, when no live footage of that incident was carried, an assertion that Bush repeated twice, was also put under the spotlight.

"I guess one of the perks of being President is that you get access to TV channels that don't exist in the known universe," said Sheen.

It's possible, I suppose. Bush and Cheney could've completely pulled the wool over my eyes, appearing in public as a half-literate chucklehead who couldn't past the TAAS test and an elderly drunk with bad aim, respectively, when in fact they preside over a cabal as sinister and complex as the Borgias. That still wouldn't explain why our government, which can't even get popular support for its agenda when it controls all three branches, would fashion such a monstrous conspiracy (that no participant has yet come forward to expose) and somehow fail to come up with plausible planted evidence to show that Iraq, the country we're currently at war with in part because of their alleged ties to the WTC attacks, was somehow involved. I think those $2500 a night hookers might've knocked a few synapses loose, Charlie.

And Two and a Half Men is a shitty, shitty show.

Space. The final theater of operations.

"And I, for one, am not going to go to sleep at night by the light of a Communist moon:"

For 16 years, Aviation Week & Space Technology has investigated myriad sightings of a two-stage-to-orbit system that could place a small military spaceplane in orbit. Considerable evidence supports the existence of such a highly classified system, and top Pentagon officials have hinted that it's "out there," but iron-clad confirmation that meets AW&ST standards has remained elusive.

Now facing the possibility that this innovative "Blackstar" system may have been shelved, we elected to share what we've learned about it with our readers, rather than let an intriguing technological breakthrough vanish into "black world" history, known to only a few insiders. U.S. intelligence agencies may have quietly mothballed a highly classified two-stage-to-orbit spaceplane system designed in the 1980s for reconnaissance, satellite-insertion and, possibly, weapons delivery. It could be a victim of shrinking federal budgets strained by war costs, or it may not have met performance or operational goals.

This two-vehicle "Blackstar" carrier/orbiter system may have been declared operational during the 1990s.

And would have been, had the Pentagon not been so worried about the negative repercussions of namng their craft after a crappy '80s Saturday morning cartoon show:

At least they didn't call it the "Jabberjaw."

"He didn't mean to shoot me, he's a good man..."

"There has been a shocking decline in the quality and quantity of your toadying, Waylon. And you will fall into line, now!":

Harry Whittington, the 78-year old Texas lawyer, who was peppered with birdshot by "Dead-Eye" Dick Cheney, apologized for the stress the accident had caused the vice president over the past few days.

"My family and I are deeply sorry for all that Vice President Cheney and his family have had to go through this past week," Whittington told reporters outside Christus Spohn Hospital in Corpus Christi, Texas. "We send our love and respect to them as they deal with situations that are much more serious than what we have had this week."

"We hope that he (Dick Cheney) will continue to come to Texas and seek the relaxation that he deserves."

"And when he does, I'll be only too happy to lurch into his sights again."

Unbelievable.

R.I.P. Darren McGavin

I was avoiding bring this up, but Darren "Kolchak" McGavin passed away yesterday.

The husky, tough-talking performer went on to become one of the busiest actors in television and film, starring in five TV series, including "Mike Hammer," and endearing holiday audiences with his role as the grouchy dad in the 1983 comedy classic "A Christmas Story."

McGavin, 83, died Saturday of natural causes at a Los Angeles-area hospital with his family at his side, said his son Bogart McGavin.

"Bogart?"

McGavin also had leading roles in TV's "Riverboat" and cult favorite "Kolchak: The Night Stalker." Among his memorable portrayals was Gen. George Patton in the 1979 TV biography "Ike."

Despite his busy career in television, McGavin was awarded only one Emmy: in 1990 for an appearance as
Candice Bergen's opinionated father in an episode of "Murphy Brown."

He lacked the prominence in films he enjoyed in television, but he registered strongly in featured roles such as the young artist in Venice in "Summertime," David Lean's 1955 film with Katharine Hepburn and Rosanno Brazzi; Frank Sinatra's crafty drug supplier in "The Man with the Golden Arm" (1955);
Jerry Lewis's parole officer in "The Delicate Delinquent" (1957); and the gambler in 1984's "The Natural." He also starred alongside
Don Knotts, who died Friday night, in the 1976 family comedy "No Deposit, No Return."

Throughout his television career, McGavin gained a reputation as a curmudgeon willing to bad-mouth his series and combat studio bosses.

McGavin starred in the private eye series "Mike Hammer" in the 1950s. In 1968 he told a reporter: "Hammer was a dummy. I made 72 of those shows, and I thought it was a comedy. In fact, I played it camp. He was the kind of guy who would've waved the flag for George Wallace."

Heh.

I never got to see most of the TV stuff he did in the '50s, for obvious reasons, but I remember him from reruns as Kolchak (in a show I had to beg to watch) and, of course, as The Old Man.

Then there was that role in 1991's Captain America, but I'm not one to speak ill of the dead.

Goin' down Sarita with a shotgun

Totally unexpected, this was:

President Bush and local authorities said Thursday they are satisfied with Vice President Dick Cheney's account of how he accidentally shot a 78-year-old hunting companion over the weekend.

As sheriff's department officials announced there would be no charges filed against Cheney, Bush said that his vice president handled the situation well.

"I thought the vice president handled the issue just fine, and I thought his explanation yesterday was a powerful explanation," Bush told reporters after meeting with Colombian President Alvaro Uribe. "I'm satisfied with the explanation he gave."

I guess that explains it.

Bush, a former Texas governor, also said that he knew Whittington, an Austin attorney and major player in Texas politics, and that he and Cheney were concerned about Whittington's condition.

Look, the guy was there because he wanted to kiss Cheney's ass and ingratiate himself even further with the Administration. I'm sorry the guy got shot, but these things happen, especially if you hang out around a drunk with a gun.

Oh, there's no proof the Vice President was drunk, of course. That comes with the territory when you can just put off the sheriff's office for 12 hours while you hit the bunkhouse and oxidize. One only need look at the diffference in the statements Katharine Armstrong and Cheney himself made about beer consumption during the hunt to realize that something is a mite fishy.

If I didn't know better, what with the release of more Abu Ghraib photos, and with "Scooter" Libby's assertion that White House higher-ups authorized the release of classified information, I'd think that Cheney asked Whittington to take one for the team and occupy some front page space for a few days. Too bad the Veep's shaky aim actually caused his pal some mortal danger.

Nah, that's too much like cartoon supervillainy, even for him.

"Welcome to the party, pal."

A little late, but I wanted to comment on this article about the ongoing Kartoon Krisis:

Denmark's PM has described the row over cartoons of the Prophet Muhammad as a "global crisis", as he called for Muslims to refrain from violence.

Anders Fogh Rasmussen said extremists seeking "a clash of cultures" were exploiting the dispute over the images, which first appeared in Denmark.

Protests continued worldwide on Tuesday, spreading to West Africa.
[...]
"The Danish people are not enemies of Islam," [Rasmussen] insisted. "We're seeing ourselves characterised as an intolerant people or as enemies of Islam as a religion. That picture is false. Extremists and radicals who seek a clash of cultures and religions are spreading it," Mr Rasmussen said.

"[This] is a very unpleasant situation for Danes, we're not used to this," he added.

You'll ramp up pretty quick. Before you know it, they'll be flying 747s into the Storebæltsbroen and sending suicide bombers into the crowd at the Roskilde Festival.

In other news:

A music distributor recalled two Thai rap CDs from stores Tuesday after Muslims complained the tracks insult their faith.

An article on the Thai-language Muslim Web site http://www.muslimthai.com said a song recorded on CDs in 1998 and 2005 "clearly insults the Quran," the Muslim holy book.

It said the CDs contain verses from the Quran and "the Quran strictly
forbids the use of its verses in songs."

Sorry Denmark and Thailand, we'd like to lend a hand, but we're too busy trying to keep Donald Wildmon from trying to pre-empt an episode of Will and Grace.

Wait, why do we want to stop that?

Somewhere, Samuel Huntington is laughing his ass off.

"There are three things you don't discuss with people: religion, politics and the Great Pumpkin."

Muslims burning Danish flags because of cartoons - fucking cartoons - depicting their prophet in a less than flattering light.

Christians boycotting studios and TV channels because of offense taken from movies and shows they - by their own admission - haven't even watched.

Jews bitching at Steven Spielberg because he dared to give the opposing side a voice in Munich.

Until we all admit that this concept of a "higher power" is horseshit, I guess the Big 3 can at least find comfort in their common cause: getting worked up about this kind of crap, which is really better left to dumbass bloggers like myself.

"Your money's on the dresser, chocolate."

Oh Ray Nagin, how you continue to dazzle:

Mayor Ray Nagin on Tuesday apologized for urging residents to rebuild a "chocolate New Orleans" and saying, "You can't have New Orleans no other way."

"I'm really sorry that some people took that they way they did, and that was not my intention," the mayor said. "I say everybody's welcome."

Nagin added that he never should have used the term "chocolate."

No shit, Ray. This is New Orleans. You could've at least used the French term: chocolat. That way maybe Johnny Depp might've shown up and defused the situation with his languorous charm and off-color teeth.

Resident Alex Gerhold called Nagin's remarks "stupid" and "pitiful."

"He used the wrong dairy product to describe us. We're more Neapolitan, not chocolate," Gerhold said. "It doesn't do the city any kind of justice."

Dude, I've been to New Orleans. Many times. The only flavor that would do your fine city "justice" would be called Urine Fudge Vomit Crunch.

And who's the strawberry in your Neapolitan equation, Mr. Gerhold? Hispanics? Gays? Are you really prepared for blood in the streets over a simplistic flavor designation?

On Monday, Nagin said God wanted New Orleans to be predominantly black and said he didn't care what the predominantly white Uptown section of the city had to say about it.

"I don't care what people are saying Uptown or wherever they are. This city will be chocolate at the end of the day," he said. "This city will be a majority African-American city. It's the way God wants it to be."

This is the same god that completely destroyed the African-American 9th Ward by pummeling the city with a hurricane and allowing the levees to break in the first place, right? He certainly does work in mysterious ways.

After the statement, he insisted he wasn't being divisive.

"How do you make chocolate? You take dark chocolate, you mix it with white milk, and it becomes a delicious drink. That is the chocolate I am talking about," he said. "New Orleans was a chocolate city before Katrina. It is going to be a chocolate city after. How is that divisive? It is white and black working together, coming together and making something special."

Leaving aside the Pam Grier fantasy this metaphor raises in my mind, Nagin's backpedaling is funny stuff. He probably would've gotten more respect if he'd just admitted he wanted New Orleans to be a primarily black city. As it stands now, his best bet will be to appeal to the vanilla types to come back for Mardi Gras next month.

"When you have evil, sometimes, in the midst of it, you will have incredible, selfless good. And that's Hugh Thompson."

Hugh Thompson Jr., former Army helicoper pilot, died yesterday at the age of 62. Why should you care? Because of this:

Early in the morning of March 16, 1968, Thompson, door-gunner Lawrence Colburn and crew chief Glenn Andreotta came upon U.S. ground troops killing Vietnamese civilians in and around the village of My Lai.

They landed the helicopter in the line of fire between American troops and fleeing Vietnamese civilians and pointed their own guns at the U.S. soldiers to prevent more killings.

Colburn and Andreotta had provided cover for Thompson as he went forward to confront the leader of the U.S. forces. Thompson later coaxed civilians out of a bunker so they could be evacuated, and then landed his helicopter again to pick up a wounded child they transported to a hospital. Their efforts led to the cease-fire order at My Lai.

In 1998, the Army honored the three men with the prestigious Soldier's Medal, the highest award for bravery not involving conflict with an enemy. It was a posthumous award for Andreotta, who had been killed in battle three weeks after My Lai.

Thompson ordered his crew to shoot if the American soldiers fired on the civilians. He radioed gunships to land and escort the surviving Vietnames out of the village, and they did. He then went to his superiors to report on the massacre. Even after another soldier, Ron Ridenhour, came forward to confirm his account, Thompson and his crew were treated as pariahs:

The eyewitness testimony of Thompson and Colburn proved crucial. But instead of thanking them, America vilified them. Many saw [platoon leader Lt. William] Calley as a scapegoat for regrettable but inevitable civilian casualties. "Rallies for Calley" were held all over the country. Jimmy Carter, then governor of Georgia, urged citizens to leave car headlights on to show support for Calley. Thompson, who got nasty letters and death threats, remembers thinking: "Has everyone gone mad?" He feared a court-martial for his command to fire, if necessary, on U.S. soldiers.

Calley was sentenced to life in prison, but served a mere three years after President Nixon reduced his sentence. He works now in a jewelry store in Ohio.

This passage, from the US News article, sums things up pretty well:

Thompson finally faced the truth. He and his crew flew around for a few minutes, outraged, wondering what to do. Then they saw several elderly adults and children running for a shelter, chased by Americans. "We thought they had about 30 seconds before they'd die," recalls Colburn. Thompson landed his chopper between the troops and the shelter, then jumped out and confronted the lieutenant in charge of the chase. He asked for assistance in escorting the civilians out of the bunker; the lieutenant said he'd get them out with a hand grenade. Furious, Thompson announced he was taking the civilians out. He went back to Colburn and Andreotta and told them if the Americans fired, to shoot them. "Glenn and I were staring at each other, dumbfounded," says Colburn. He says he never pointed his gun at an American soldier, but he might have fired if they had first.

"Hero" isn't a word I bandy about lightly, but Hugh Thompson Jr. was one. Rest in peace.

"Can't we have one meeting that doesn't end with us digging up a corpse?"

They found Mozart's skull, eh?

Have scientists found Mozart's skull? Researchers said Tuesday they'll reveal the results of DNA tests in a documentary film airing this weekend on Austrian television as part of a year of celebratory events marking the composer's 250th birthday. The tests were conducted last year by experts at the Institute for Forensic Medicine in the alpine city of Innsbruck, and the long-awaited results will be publicized in "Mozart: The Search for Evidence," to be screened Sunday by state broadcaster ORF.

Past tests were inconclusive, but this time, "we succeeded in getting a clear result," lead researcher Dr. Walther Parson, a renowned forensic pathologist, told ORF. He said the results were "100 percent verified" by a U.S. Army laboratory, but refused to elaborate.

The skull in question is one that for more than a century has been in the possession of the International Mozarteum Foundation in Salzburg, the elegant Austrian city where Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart was born on Jan. 27, 1756.

They didn't want to use "Mozarteum," but "Imaginarium" was already taken.

So was "Requiemenagerie." Probably.

The Foundation's just lucky this guy didn't find it:

Too obscure?

"Any other strange behavior?"
"He quit blinking. He says that's when they kill you."

Oopsie:

President Bush, brushing aside bipartisan criticism in Congress, said today he approved spying on suspected terrorists without court orders because it was "a necessary part of my job to protect" Americans from attack.

The president said he would continue the program "for so long as the nation faces the continuing threat of an enemy that wants to kill American citizens," and added it included safeguards to protect civil
liberties.

Bush bristled at a year-end news conference when asked whether there are any limits on presidential power in wartime.

"I just described limits on this particular program, and that's what's important for the American people to understand," Bush said.

Raising his voice, Bush challenged Senate Democratic Leader Harry Reid and Democratic Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton — without naming them — to allow a final vote on legislation renewing the anti-terror Patriot Act. "I want senators from New York or Los Angeles or Las Vegas to go home and explain why these cities are safer" without the extension, he said.

Ah yes, having a president trot out the tried and true "tiger repellant" fallacy never ceases to amuse.

I have to read the transcripts of these rare "press conferences" because it honestly pains me to hear the man speak. Unlike some, I don't liken it to the feeling when the slow kid gets up to speak in front of the class, but rather the sensation you have when the popular kid who didn't bother to read the assigment tries to bullshit his way through the oral part of the final exam. With the slow kid, at least you feel pity. In Bush's case, it's naked disgust, and an increasing sense of bewilderment that anyone voted for the man in the first place.

Reid represents Nevada; Clinton is a New York senator, and both helped block passage of the legislation in the Senate last week.

"In a war on terror we cannot afford to be without this law for a single moment," Bush said.

And another thing; it's telling how all the accounts of Bush's speech use terms like "bristling" and "angry" and "raising his voice." The temerity of those Senators and reporters to point out to him that bypassing the FISA and ignoring the checks and balances in place might, golly, violate the Constitution he claims gives him the authority to conduct domestic surveillance in the first place.

He's just lucky he didn't get caught getting a blow job. Then he might be in some real trouble.

Snarkery in brief

Seen while perusing the local rag this morning:

Lawmakers want fence to curb illegal immigration

WASHINGTON -- The House agreed to build a fence along the U.S.-Mexican border to shut down illegal immigration, but continued to wrangle over whether a guest worker program is needed.

Of course it's needed, you imbeciles. Who do you think's going to build the damn thing?

"Alone I walk in the night
'Cause I just can't stop this feelin'
It's torture"

Our Fearless Leader takes his bold stand against any further Jacksons songs:

President Bush embraced Sen. John McCain's proposal to ban cruel, inhuman and degrading treatment of terrorism suspects on Thursday, reversing months of opposition that included White House veto threats.

Bowing to pressure from the Republican-run Congress and abroad, the White House signed off on the proposal after a fight that pitted the president against members of his own party and threatened to further tarnish a U.S. image already soiled by the abuses at Iraq's Abu Ghraib prison.

Bush said the ban and accompanying interrogation standards will "make it clear to the world that this government does not torture and that we adhere to the international convention of torture, whether it be here at home or abroad."

Hey, that's great. And all it took to change his mind was lobbying by the one guy in the United States Senate who's actually been tortured.

Given that precedent, Bush should have a lot of input on any upcoming DWI legislation.

After the deal was announced, Rep. Duncan Hunter, R-Calif., chairman of the House Armed Services Committee, said he would block completion of one of the two defense bills that includes the ban unless he got White House assurances that "the same high level of effective intelligence gathering" would be achieved if the agreement became law.

Gee, that shouldn't be too hard.

The agreement was reached a day after the House — in bipartisan fashion — endorsed McCain's proposal. That vote put both GOP-controlled chambers behind McCain by veto-proof majorities, putting pressure on the White House to reach an agreement.

It came as the president finds himself defending his wartime policies daily amid declining public support for the Iraq war and his own low standing in opinion polls. The United States also is feeling pressure and facing questions from its European allies over its treatment of detainees held abroad.

It remains to be see how the McCain amendment will succeed when all those other proscriptions against torture our country allegedly agrees with have failed. Presumably the Eighth Amendment, the Universal Declaration of Human Rights, the UNCAT, and the Third and Fourth Geneva Conventions don't pack enough "oomph" for the current Administration.

Of course, if that "goddamned piece of paper" isn't enough for our President, I don't see how a series of resolutions written by a bunch of goddamed foreigners should make a difference.

R.I.P Richard Pryor

There's a very short list of comedians who effectively commented on the state of human affairs while making us laugh, and Richard Pryor is near the top (along with - I'd argue - Lenny Bruce, Bill Hicks, and George Carlin). The man made his mistakes, and some terrible movies, but in his heyday he couldn't be topped. He was, along with Carlin and Steve Martin, my introduction to the world of stand-up comedy in the late '70s, and even though poor health kept him from doing much of anything for the last 20 years, those old routines are still pretty damn funny.

Few of the great ones are left, since it appears the life of a stand-up comedian is fraught with the constant threat of drug overdose and cancer (although even three heart attacks haven't been enough to fell Carlin). Is there somebody currently performing who might be remembered as fondly in 20 years? Looking at the current crop, I'm not optimistic, but what do you think?

And anyone mentioning Larry the Cable Guy or Dane Cook will be banned with extreme prejudice.

Known Lennonists

Unless you were living in a hole yesterday, you knew it was the 25th anniversary of John Lennon's murder. The Beatles were the first on a long line of bands I listened to obsessively, and I devoured everything of theirs I could find (fortunately, my parents had an extensive discography). I always appreciated the counterpoint Lennon's cynicism and darker edge offered to McCartney's pop sensibilities, even if I never believed that "all we need is love."

Even so, I found this Bloom County strip still held some relevance, given the political climate today:

Or, for those of you with a less sentimental bent, there's this lyric from Marching Plague:

Poor Johnny, Poor Johnny
He got a bullet now he's dead
Poor Yoko, Poor Yoko
They shoulda shot your ugly ass instead

APCB caters to all types.

Gamma Gamma Hey

The second cold snap of the the season came through Houston last week. Highs dropped into the 60s and lows into the 30s for a couple of days. It's been nice all, but for practical purposes, all this means is that The Wife has an excuse to buy a dozen sweaters she's going to end up wearing once.

Oh, and any Yankees who want to roll their eyes at the South Texas definition of "cold" are invited to revisit this entry the next time I'm in the middle of a five-month stretch of above 90 degree temps while the Today show talks about a five day "heat wave" in NYC.

More than giving us an excuse to wear long pants on the weekend and filling out yards with pine needles, the recent weather change also means we won't have to worry about this:

Tropical Storm Gamma deluged the coast of Central America today, killing at least six people — three in flooding in Honduras and three in the crash of a small plane belonging to a Belize lodge owned by the filmmaker Francis Ford Coppola.

Another negative Godfather III review...

Forecasters said Gamma, the 24th named storm of an already record-breaking Atlantic hurricane season, was likely to stay out to sea as it moved past Belize and Mexico's Yucatan Peninsula. The storm had top sustained winds near 45 mph and was expected to stay well below hurricane strength of 74 mph, the National Hurricane Center said in Miami.

Gamma was likely to speed up and turn northeast on Sunday, sending it across the northeastern Caribbean and toward western Cuba, forecasters said. On that path, Gamma would cross Cuba but skirt the Florida Keys and the Florida mainland on Monday.

Cold fronts mean cold Gulf waters and low pressure areas steering these systems away from us. And as a weary resident of the Gulf Coast, let me just say enough is enough. I want a long, uneventful winter that will afford me time to buy a generator, stock up on ammo, and go more than a week without having to worry about another frigging tropical storm.

Not Scooter!

Next you'll tell me Sam the Eagle is under investigation for selling secrets to the Russians.*

As for the actual story, my opinion of any adult who still goes by the nickname "Scooter" is not changed by yesterday's news. If anything, he should have been cognizant of the fact that his name sticks out more on a list of potential indictees than a "Richard," "Karl," or "Scott."

* The Eagle and the Snowman?

Buena suerte, Mexico

We were in Cozumel last March, on the ill-fated Cruise That Wouldn't End. Nice people, especially the proprietors of the little restaurant near the interior of San Miguel where we had lunch. Good carnitas, great margaritas.

At the time, I didn't even think about the largely ramshackle construction I saw around me: thatched roofs, flimsy wooden buildings, and those were the tourist traps. The homes of the people who actually lived there, as is usually the case with any so-called "resort" area, were even worse.

So needless to say, this was an unwelcome sight (click for larger image):

That was taken yesterday morning. Cozumel is that island in the center of Wilma's eye. Wilma hit it as a category 4 hurricane, with sustained winds of 145 mph. She's currently parked over the Yucatan coast of Mexico, where they can expect another 24 hours of 120 mph winds and up to 20 inches of rain. Wilma is expected to turn next week and hit Florida, which sure doesn't need another hurricane. I hope everyone in the path of this baby manages to stay safe.

In other news, it looks like The Wife won't be going to Cancun next weekend either.

Who says comedy is dead?

Make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh:

CIA leak: Sources point to Rove-Libby contacts

WASHINGTON (AP) -- Top White House aides Karl Rove and I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby discussed their contacts with reporters about an undercover CIA officer in the days before her identity was published, the first known intersection between two central figures in the criminal leak investigation.

Rove told grand jurors it was possible he first heard in the White House that Valerie Plame, wife of Bush administration critic Joseph Wilson, worked for the CIA from Libby's recounting of a conversation with a journalist, according to people familiar with his testimony.

They said Rove testified that his discussions with Libby before Plame's CIA cover was blown were limited to information reporters had passed to them. Some evidence prosecutors have gathered conflicts with Libby's account.

Reading the rest of the story, one gets the impression Libby must feel like Brooke Palance in Empire of the Ants after she was abandoned by Robert Pine: all alone, with giant, man-eating insects (AKA federal prosecutors) closing in. Evidence that Libby initiated contact with NBC's Tim Russert and the NYT's Judith Miller before the Novak article doesn't help much.

Rove is characteristically oiling his way around the questions, peppering each response with "I can't recall" and "That's my general recollection."

On the other hand, there this:

Rove testified during the first appearance about his contacts with Novak in the days before Novak wrote a column outing Plame's identity. When asked generally if he had conversations with other reporters in that session, he answered "no."

Rove and his lawyer subsequently discovered an e-mail Rove had sent top national security aide Steve Hadley referring to a brief phone interview he had with [Time magazine's Mathew] Cooper.

The e-mail jogged Rove's memory and during a subsequent grand jury appearance, he volunteered his recollections about his conversation with Cooper, and his lawyer provided the e-mail to prosecutors. Cooper also wrote a story about Plame.

I just bet it did. I've had my memory "jogged" in that way myself many times.

For more laff-a-lympics, let's check on that Supreme Court nomination:

Supreme Court Nominee Is Asked to Redo Response to Questions

WASHINGTON, Oct. 19 - The Supreme Court nomination of Harriet E. Miers suffered another setback on Wednesday when the Republican and Democratic leaders of the Senate Judiciary Committee asked her to resubmit parts of her judicial questionnaire, saying various members had found her responses "inadequate," "insufficient" and "insulting."

Senators Arlen Specter of Pennsylvania, the committee chairman, and Patrick J. Leahy of Vermont, the senior Democrat, sent Ms. Miers a letter faulting what they called incomplete responses about her legal career, her work in the White House, her potential conflicts on cases involving the administration and the suspension of her license by the District of Columbia Bar.

Their letter also asked her to provide detailed accounts of private reassurances about her views given by the White House or its allies to some conservative supporters who have been anxious about her positions on abortion and other social issues.

That slow uncomfortable screwing sensation the Religious Right is experiencing right now is what everyone else in this country has felt for the last five years. That far right freakshows like Ann Coulter are foaming (more than usual) over Miers' nomination fills me with a glowing warming glow.

I didn't exactly expect Bush to nominate someone whose views I might have even found remotely acceptable, but I have to admit, I'm surprised he went so far afield to alienate a significant chunk of his support base. And by giving her the Senatorial equivalent of a teacher's "'F' - SEE ME" on her questionnaire, the committee has all but guaranteed us some good entertainment, at least.

Finally, the stars a little bigger and brighter in Texas tonight:

Warrant out for arrest of Tom DeLay

AUSTIN - Travis County prosecutors played legal hardball Wednesday by having an arrest warrant issued for U.S. Rep. Tom DeLay, whose lawyers called it retaliation for their accusations of prosecutor misconduct.

The capias warrant by state District Judge Bob Perkins normally would have been a routine procedure in Texas after a person has been indicted on a felony. It requires that the defendant be arrested and have fingerprints and a mug shot taken.

A mug shot which will come to be known as The Face That Launched a Thousand Desktop Wallpapers.

Drive-by snarking

Don't have a lot of time for picking apart version 4.0 of the President's "Why We Fight in Iraq" speech, but I thought this line was too good to pass up:

Together, we've killed or captured nearly all of those directly responsible for the September 11 attacks

Well sure, if you count the ones that blew up in the planes, I suppose.

Spy in the White House of Love

Feh. Nightcrawler never would've let himself get caught:

The White House is cooperating with an FBI investigation into a former Marine who worked in the vice president's office and has been charged with passing classified information to officials in the Philippines.

Leandro Aragoncillo, 46, a 21-year Marine veteran who became an FBI intelligence analyst last year, already has been charged in New Jersey with passing classified information about Filipino leaders to current and former officials of that nation.
[...]
Aragoncillo is a naturalized U.S. citizen who was born in the Philippines

So if it turns out this guy is guilty, can we expect Michelle Malkin to call for the internment of all Filipinos?

Happy Fun Entry

Say what you will (and I have) about the circumstances surrounding the federal response to Katrina, there can be little doubt that the people in my town have stepped up something fierce to assist those displaced by the disaster.

Although the evacuees from New Orleans are understandably getting most of the attention from the mainstream media, hotels and shelters from the Texas-Louisiana border to throughout the Houston-Dallas-San Antonio triangle are filled with tens of thousands of other Gulf Coast evacuees. The largest concentration of evacuees in Texas remains at Reliant Park in Houston, where about 25,000 people are currently located and, as of Sunday, another 7,200 will be located at the George R. Brown Convention Center in downtown Houston. In addition to those evacuees, an estimated 170,000 other people from Louisiana and Mississippi are staying with friends or relatives, or in hotels in the Houston area. A spokesman for Houston's hotel owner's association estimates that about 45,000 of the Houston area's 55,000 hotel rooms are occupied by Gulf Coast evacuees.

As a result of the surge of evacuees, city and county officials shifted gears on Saturday and turned Reliant Park into a medical way station where newly arriving evacuees are assessed as to their medical needs. The injured or sick are taken off to either the onsite medical facility or the nearby Texas Medical Center, and then the healthy are given a meal and transferred to new shelters being opened in Huntsville, Corpus Christi and Lubbock. On Saturday, at the Reliant Park medical clinic, about a 1,000 volunteer doctors, nurses and other medical personnel treated 3,500 evacuees and sent about 100 of those to area hospitals. Doctors gave about 2,000 tetanus shots to people who were injured during their ordeal in the hurricane and its aftermath.

Local relief agencies are turning the well-meaning away in some cases, as they have more volunteers than they know what to do with. Keep in mind, of course, that the need for assistance is going to be there for months, if not years.

I saw several drop-off points for supplies in my neighborhood alone, and a number of businesses that are donating a percentage of money paid for goods and services to the relief effort.

This city may be an textbook example of urban sprawl that, for most of the year, lies under a sub-tropical miasma of humidity and petrochemical emissions, but I'm proud of the way Houstonians have been doing everything they can to make things a little better for the evacuees/refugees/displaced (what exactly are we calling them these days?).

There you go. The finger-pointing will resume soon enough.

We don't need no water

Let the *mumble mumble* burn (via MetaFilter):

As New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin pleaded on national television for firefighters - his own are exhausted after working around the clock for a week - a battalion of highly trained men and women sat idle Sunday in a muggy Sheraton Hotel conference room in Atlanta.

Many of the firefighters, assembled from Utah and throughout the United States by the Federal Emergency Management Agency, thought they were going to be deployed as emergency workers.

Instead, they have learned they are going to be community-relations officers for FEMA, shuffled throughout the Gulf Coast region to disseminate fliers and a phone number: 1-800-621-FEMA.

Well, if anybody knows about matching a person's position to their abilities, it's FEMA.

On Monday, some firefighters stuck in the staging area at the Sheraton peeled off their FEMA-issued shirts and stuffed them in backpacks, saying they refuse to represent the federal agency.

Federal officials are unapologetic.

"I would go back and ask the firefighter to revisit his commitment to FEMA, to firefighting and to the citizens of this country," said FEMA spokeswoman Mary Hudak. The firefighters - or at least the fire chiefs who assigned them to come to Atlanta - knew what the assignment would be, Hudak said.

"The initial call to action very specifically says we're looking for two-person fire teams to do community relations," she said. "So if there is a breakdown [in communication], it was likely in their own departments."

One fire chief from Texas agreed that the call was clear to work as community-relations officers. But he wonders why the 1,400 firefighters FEMA attracted to Atlanta aren't being put to better use. He also questioned why the U.S. Department of Homeland Security - of which FEMA is a part - has not responded better to the disaster.

Careful there, don't you know now is not the time to be playing the blame game? Why, our President will be leading an investigation into his own Administration about why they screwed the pooch.

You can't get much more thorough than that, really.

Meanwhile, at least some of those firefighters are being put to good use:

But as specific orders began arriving to the firefighters in Atlanta, a team of 50 Monday morning quickly was ushered onto a flight headed for Louisiana. The crew's first assignment: to stand beside President Bush as he tours devastated areas.

Disaster accomplished.

Our Leader

President Bush on a "personal visit" to New Orleans.

Maybe we're being too hard on the President and his people for their clusterfuckian handling of the crisis in New Orleans. Maybe blame should be apportioned out equally to past Administrations, all of whom share some of the culpability for why things have gotten so bad and why the richest country in the world seems incapable of getting food and water to people four days after the storm has moved off.

Or maybe not (via TBogg):

Bush administration funding cuts forced federal engineers to delay improvements on the levees, floodgates and pumping stations that failed to protect New Orleans from Hurricane Katrina's floodwaters, agency documents showed on Thursday. The former head of the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers, the agency that handles the infrastructure of the nation's waterways, said the damage in New Orleans probably would have been much less extensive had flood-control efforts been fully funded over the years.

"Levees would have been higher, levees would have been bigger, there would have been other pumps put in," said Mike Parker, a former Mississippi congressman who headed the engineering agency from 2001 to 2002.

"I'm not saying it would have been totally alleviated but it would have been less than the damage that we have got now."
[...]
Since 2001, the Army Corps has requested $496 million for that project but the Bush administration only budgeted $166 million, according to figures provided by the office of Louisiana Democratic Sen. Mary Landrieu.

Congress ultimately approved $250 million for the project during that time period.

Another project designed to shore up defenses along Lake Pontchartrain was similarly underfunded, as the administration budgeted $22 million of the $99 million requested by the Corps between 2001 and 2005. Congress boosted spending on that project to $42.5 million, according to Landrieu's office.

If only, I dunno, we had some sort of federal agency to manage emergencies in times like this. The one we have doesn't seem to be up to the task:

Col. Terry Ebbert, director of homeland security for New Orleans, concurred and he was particularly pungent in his criticism. Asserting that the whole recovery operation had been "carried on the backs of the little guys for four goddamn days," he said "the rest of the goddamn nation can't get us any resources for security."

"We are like little birds with our mouths open and you don't have to be very smart to know where to drop the worm," Colonel Ebbert said. "It's criminal within the confines of the United States that within one hour of the hurricane they weren't force-feeding us. It's like FEMA has never been to a hurricane."

Maybe they shouldn't have put the guy forced to resign from the Arabian Horse Association for mismanagement in charge.

Reason #43,292 to be happy you're not in New Orleans

You gotta be fucking kidding me

Bull shark seen on i-10 service rd in metairie.

Although one has to wonder how long any of the water over there in what is rapidly becoming the Western Dead Sea will be capable of supporting marine life.

No zygote left behind

Let the Richard Clarke-ing of Susan Wood begin:

A high-ranking Food and Drug Administration official resigned today in protest of the agency's refusal to allow over-the-counter sales of emergency contraception.

Susan Wood, director of FDA's Office of Women's Health, announced her resignation in an e-mail to colleagues at the agency. The e-mail was released by contraception advocates.

The FDA on Friday postponed indefinitely its decision on whether to allow the morning-after pill, called Plan B, to sell without a prescription. The agency said it was safe for adults to use without a doctor's guidance but said young teenagers still needed a prescription and that it couldn't determine how to enforce an age limit — a decision contrary to the advice of its own scientific advisers.

"I can no longer serve as staff when scientific and clinical evidence, fully evaluated and recommended for approval by the professional staff here, has been overruled," wrote Wood, who also was assistant commissioner for women's health. "The recent decision announced by the Commissioner about emergency contraception, which continues to limit women's access to a product that would reduce unintended pregnancies and reduce abortions, is contrary to my core commitment to improving and advancing women's health."

That's not very nice, Dr. Wood. Surely this just means that the Administration loves children so much they want more of them. Babies for everyone, I say, whether they're unloved, neglected, abused, or not.

Plan B opponents, who consider the drug tantamount to abortion and have intensely lobbied the Bush administration to reject over-the-counter sales, praised Crawford's move, saying easier access to emergency contraception may encourage teen sex.

It may very well encourage teen sex, but nearly as much as being a teen does, you knobs.

And tantamount to abortion? I guess, if the definition of "tantamount" has been recently amended by Websters to mean "absolutely unrelated."

The drug has no effect if a woman already is pregnant. It works by blocking ovulation or fertilization, or possibly by interfering with implantation of a fertilized egg into the uterus, the medical definition of pregnancy.

Funny, condoms "block fertilization" too. You won't be seeing a ban on Trojan sales anytime soon, though. Making laws restricting male sexuality is apparently un-American. Or maybe I'm missing something.

Perspective

I don't mind telling you, it's been a shit week - the kind where you wake up and don't look forward to anything that day but going to bed - but compared to those who are dealing with the aftermath of Katrina, I might as well be the Mayor of Funkytown.

On WWL they're talking about "years" to rebuild New Orleans. And Biloxi. And Gulfport. Martial law has been declared in Jefferson Parish, and it sounds like people won't be allowed back to their homes for weeks, if not months.

Donations can be made at the Red Cross site, or by calling 1-800-HELP-NOW.

Vindication

Of a sort:

Coffee not only helps clear the mind and perk up the energy, it also provides more healthful antioxidants than any other food or beverage in the American diet, according to a study released Sunday.
[...]
The findings by Joe A. Vinson, a chemistry professor at the University of Scranton, in Pennsylvania, give a healthy boost to the warming beverage.
[...]
Vinson's team analyzed the antioxidant content of more than 100 different food items, including vegetables, fruits, nuts, spices, oils and common beverages. They then used Agriculture Department data on typical food consumption patterns to calculate how much antioxidant each food contributes to a person's diet.

They concluded that the average adult consumes 1,299 milligrams of antioxidants daily from coffee. The closest competitor was tea at 294 milligrams. Rounding out the top five sources were bananas, 76 milligrams; dry beans, 72 milligrams; and corn, 48 milligrams. According to the Agriculture Department, the typical adult American drinks 1.64 cups of coffee daily.

Oh, how I love being atypical. I probably drink 1.64 cups of coffee in my sleep.

And the news keeps getting better:

In February, a team of Japanese researchers reported in the Journal of the National Cancer Institute that people who drank coffee daily, or nearly every day, had half the liver cancer risk of those who never drank it. The protective effect occurred in people who drank one to two cups a day and increased at three to four cups.

Groovy. That just about mitigates the abuse my liver takes from my half a bottle of whiskey a day habit.

Last year, researchers at the Harvard School of Public Health found that drinking coffee cut the risk of developing the most common form of diabetes.

That settles it. Our next Surgeon General has to be Too Much Coffee Man.

No "Waves" puns, please

I'm late commenting on this, but as a fellow resident of the wild and wooly Gulf Coast, my thoughts go out to the remaining (read: poor) people holed up in the Superdome and waiting for the unwelcome arrival of Katrina. Friends of ours left New Orleans this morning at 9 AM, en route to Houston with a 2 month-old in tow. At 6 PM, they'd made it to Baton Rouge.

For those unfamiliar with Louisiana, Baton Rouge is normally a 90-minute drive from the Big Easy.

Katrina makes landfall in a few hours. I talk a lot of shit about New Orleans, but I sincerely hope there's something left for me to go back and throw up on when all this is over.

Blockbusted

Choke on it, boys:

Blockbuster appeared caught in an avalanche of fiscal problems Tuesday as it posted a quarterly loss of $57.2 million that amounted to twice what analysts had forecast. A year ago, it had posted a profit of $48.6 million. The company was also forced to admit that it would not be able to meet its 2005 financial forecast and that it had to negotiate an agreement with creditors to waive certain debt payments in order to avoid defaulting on the loans. Blockbuster also announced that it was raising the monthly subscription fee for its online service to $17.99 from $14.99. Analysts attributed Blockbuster's problems to its decision to eliminate late fees in an effort to compete more aggressively against Netflix, the leading online rental service, and to a slate of new releases that customers found unappealing.

Yeah, it's all Hollywood's fault for producing crap movies. And the article neglects to mention that it wasn't just the so-called "elimination of late fees," it was the replacement of same by a program that made you buy the freaking movie if you kept it for a week which tended to alienate customers. Then there's the fact that they raised their subscription fee (now the same as Netflix), even though Blockbuster's selection is far more limited and many movies are actually edited. How about a crappy video game selection? Lousy customer service? Making the widespread dissemination of lowest common denominator entertainment that much easier thanks to the specific placement of certain stores in order to drive out smaller outlets?

It's probably to early for this, but say 'hi' to Pan Am and K-Mart for me.

"And just last month I knocked out Muhammad Ali."
"Oh, how awful."

Could all those bikers and raver twerps be on to something?

Amphetamines, including the party drug Ecstasy, have reversed the effects of Parkinson's disease in mice, researchers said on Wednesday.

Their finding does not suggest the use of now-illegal drugs to treat the incurable brain disease, but may offer a way forward in helping patients, they said.

It's true, I never met a Hell's Angel with Parkinson's. Then again, I never met one over the age of 55, either. Lots of mysterious deaths thanks to gunshot wounds or lack of a helmet.

The team at Duke University in North Carolina treated mice that were genetically modified to suffer from Parkinson's-like symptoms with more than 60 types of amphetamines.

Fourteen of the drugs helped reverse the symptoms of the mice, including the tremors and rigidity that mark the disease -- raising the possibility of exploring related treatments for humans.
[...]
MDMA, also known as Ecstasy, proved the most effective of the amphetamines used at counteracting Parkinson's symptoms in the mice, said Raul Gainetdinov, who also worked on the study. He said he is not sure exactly why.

"We do not advocate self-medication with Ecstasy," Gainetdinov added in a telephone interview. He said that apart from being illegal and controversial, the drug can be more damaging to human nerve tissue than it is to mice.

Parkinson's - like Alzheimer's and space herpes - is one of those diseases that really scares the hell out of me. I always held out hope that science would advance to the point that, when I finally hit my golden/colostomy bag years, treatment would be widely available.

That was before President "Mmmm...Fire Good" decided America's leadership in medicine and science was a Bad Thing, so now I'll take what I can get.

Trouble is, I hate Ecstasy. Okay, so I've never actually taken it, I suppose I should say I hate what it does to people...makes 'em all happy, and shit. Back when I was in college, and we called it "X" (being edgy Gen-X hipsters), I'd sometimes get roped into chauffering people around town so they could undulate to trip hop while I sat in the corner and ashed in other people's drinks.

Conversations in the car usually went something like this:

X-er #1: Hey, Pete?
Pete: What?
X-Er #1: I just wanted to say, you know, that I know we don't always get along, but I've always thought you were really cool, man. I really like you.
Pete: I'm touched. Really.
X-er #1: Seriously, man. I mean, I don't know why we don't get along...
Pete: Because you're an asshole.
X-er #2: Aw, man, why do you want to be like that?
Pete: Don't even get me started on you.

Now that I think about it, I guess it's a personality thing. What Ecstasy does to you (at least, what I've observed) is at odds with just about every aspect of my nature. My biggest fear of trying it is that I would become one of those clingy, falsely affectionate bastards I tried so strenuously to avoid in my youth.

But if they find out it cures Parksinon's, I suppose just have to learn to live with loving everybody.

"Why should I change? He's the one who sucks."

Hot on the heels of the announcement about Bush's latest middle finger to the UN, I felt the least I could do is come up with a list of Boltons who would do a better job than Mr. "Arms Control is for Pussies:"

+ Michael Bolton (David Herman, Office Space) - Give the guy a break, he hasn't had a conjugal visit in six months.
+ Preacher Bolton (Tex Ritter, The Girl from Tobacco Row) - Unsure about his foreign policy experience, but his yodeling would sure be a hit with the Swiss
+ Cindy Bolton (Carol Alt, Apocalypse II: Revelation) - "See? Not all our government babes look like Madeline Albright."
+ Bolton Wanderers FC - Those foreigners like that soccer, don't they?
+ Tiffany Bolton (co-host, Beat the Geeks) - Could deal appropriately with that know-it-all ambassador from Ghana, but uncanny resemblance to Renee Richards might cause problems.
+ Tuvia Bolton - The pop/reggae/rock singing rabbi would have 'em dancing in the aisles of the General Assembly Hall. Except maybe the Saudis.

That's all I've got. I'm still not prepared to suggest singer Michael Bolton, but I considered it, which says about all there is to say about our new UN Ambassador.

Using the whole Frist there, doc?

Sounds like somebody's been paying attention to Bush's falling approval ratings:

Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist on Friday threw his support behind House-passed legislation to expand federal financing for human embryonic stem cell research, breaking with President Bush and religious conservatives in a move that could impact his prospects for seeking the White House in 2008.

"It's not just a matter of faith, it's a matter of science," Frist, R-Tennessee, said on the floor of the Senate.

Frist:
a) finally remembered he was a doctor,
b) was driven over the edge by nightly visits from the vengeful ghost of Terri Schiavo, or
c) realized the depth of the growing schism between evangelicals and traditional conservative Republicans.

The answer's probably (c), but (b) appeals to my love of the undead.

Predictably, not everyone was keen on the news:

The Christian Defense Coalition lambasted Frist's change of position.

"Sen. Frist should not expect support and endorsement from the pro-life community if he votes for embryonic research funding," it said.

"Senator Frist cannot have it both ways. He cannot be pro-life and pro-embryonic stem cell funding," said Rev. Patrick J. Mahoney, director of the group. "Nor can he turn around and expect widespread endorsement from the pro-life community if he should decide to run for president in 2008."
[...]
"Senator Frist is a good man, he's simply advocating a bad policy," said House Majority Leader Tom DeLay of Texas.
[...]
"House conservatives are profoundly disappointed at Senator Frist's decision to abandon this cause," said Rep. Mike Pence, R-Indiana.

If you can judge a person's character by his enemies, then Frist's just improved a bit in my estimation. Of course, that just means he's moved up from "ignorant rat bastard" to "opportunistic scumbag." Still, baby steps and all that.

"Hand down the shark repellent Batspray."

When each of last night's local newscasts led with the story of a girl getting bitten by a shark of the Bolivar Peninsula yesterday, I just knew it was a matter of time before the big boys picked it up. Sure enough:

A shark attacked a 14-year-old North Carolina girl in waters off the Texas coast near Galveston on Wednesday, ripping tendons in her left foot and leaving several teeth imbedded in her tissue.

The teen, Lydia Paulk, was taken to the University of Texas Medical Branch in Galveston, where she was in fair condition after surgery, said hospital spokeswoman Jeanette Pretorius. Paulk was attacked in waist-deep water while swimming with family and friends, said her aunt, Kit Marshall.

I like to think sharks hold contests among themselves to can get on the front pages of the national news outlets with the weakest attacks. Biting someone in half, that's news, leaving a few teeth in a foot? Not so much. Nothing against Ms. Paulk, but if she'd torn up her tendons with a lawnmower, the most she'd get would be a story with the "Dumbass" tag on Fark.

Hey Seadogs, did your sister make the AP wire when that shark bit her at Padre Island?

And a Rove-ing they'll go

Stop. You're breaking my heart:

Q Scott, I mean, just -- I mean, this is ridiculous. The notion that you're going to stand before us after having commented with that level of detail and tell people watching this that somehow you decided not to talk. You've got a public record out there. Do you stand by your remarks from that podium, or not?

MR. McCLELLAN: And again, David, I'm well aware, like you, of what was previously said, and I will be glad to talk about it at the appropriate time. The appropriate time is when the investigation --

Q Why are you choosing when it's appropriate and when it's inappropriate?

MR. McCLELLAN: If you'll let me finish --

Q No, you're not finishing -- you're not saying anything. You stood at that podium and said that Karl Rove was not involved. And now we find out that he spoke out about Joseph Wilson's wife. So don't you owe the American public a fuller explanation? Was he involved, or was he not? Because, contrary to what you told the American people, he did, indeed, talk about his wife, didn't he?

MR. McCLELLAN: David, there will be a time to talk about this, but now is not the time to talk about it.

Q Do you think people will accept that, what you're saying today?

MR. McCLELLAN: Again, I've responded to the question.

And it goes on like this.

I understand many people are rah rah-ing the Press Corps and their dogged pursuit of the truth about Karl Rove's involvement in Valerie Plame's outing as an undercover agent. We in Texas have known about Mr. Rove's capacity for scumbaggery and black bag politcal ops for some time (anyone heard from Mark White lately?), but don't let that take away from the fact that a number of people across our great nation would love to see that sneaky little bastard go down in flames (even if this all seems like waaaaaay too much of a hanging curveball for my liking).

But let's not be too hasty forgiving the White House Press Corps, that bastion of Administration apologia for the last five years, for playing yes-men to the White House's unending stream of BS about yellowcake uranium and Iraq's connection to 9-11. It might've been nice if they'd grown a spine some time before March, 2003.

The Bush Administration must own stock in Jameson

Because I go through a bottle of whiskey every time our fearless Commander-in-Chief is on TV.

In the past year, we have made significant progress.
...
Our progress has been uneven, but progress is being made.
...
The progress in the past year has been significant, and we have a clear path forward.
...
We have made progress, but we have a lot more work to do.
...
As Iraqis make progress toward a free society, the effects are being felt beyond Iraq's borders.

I'll say. If I hear the word "progress" again I'm going to go all Darryl Revok on somebody.

Some contend that we should set a deadline for withdrawing U.S. forces. Let me explain why that would be a serious mistake.

Setting an artificial timetable would send the wrong message to the Iraqis, who need to know that America will not leave before the job is done.

It would send the wrong signal to our troops, who need to know that we are serious about completing the mission they are risking their lives to achieve.

I can't speak for the troops, but their faith in our "seriousness" might not be such an issue if you hadn't lied about why they were going over there in the first place. Hell, tell them you're looking for Inca gold. That at least has the romantic connotation "he tried to kill my daddy" lacks.

And to those watching tonight who are considering a military career, there is no higher calling than service in our armed forces.

"Chicks dig a man in uniform, fellas. There were some fillies down in Alabama who could testify to that, make no mistake."

Boy howdy.

I don't know but I've been told

A middle-aged private is mighty old:

Army recruit numbers overall are down thus far for the service's fiscal year, which began in October. To attract more citizens, the Army raised its maximum enlistment age this year from 34 to 39.

Aw, man.

This actually makes some sense, since turning 40 is no longer equated with having one foot in the grave (as it was when my parents were that age).

Then again, this move puts me squarely back into the eligibility camp. And while I have no reason to doubt our President - who has never misled us before - when he says there won't be a draft...

Ah, what am I worried about? They don't draft transsexuals.

Lock and Load High School

Beats paying for college, right?

The Defense Department began working yesterday with a private marketing firm to create a database of high school students ages 16 to 18 and all college students to help the military identify potential recruits in a time of dwindling enlistment in some branches.

The program is provoking a furor among privacy advocates. The new database will include personal information including birth dates, Social Security numbers, e-mail addresses, grade-point averages, ethnicity and what subjects the students are studying.

The data will be managed by BeNow Inc. of Wakefield, Mass., one of many marketing firms that use computers to analyze large amounts of data to target potential customers based on their personal profiles and habits.

"The purpose of the system . . . is to provide a single central facility within the Department of Defense to compile, process and distribute files of individuals who meet age and minimum school requirements for military service," according to the official notice of the program.

I guess this is preferable to Selective Service because now they have access to the ladies as well.

Some information on high school students already is given to military recruiters in a separate program under provisions of the 2002 No Child Left Behind Act. Recruiters have been using the information to contact students at home, angering some parents and school districts around the country.

Wow. That's pretty ballsy for a bunch of draft dodgers. More ballsy than their usual affronts to our citizenry, that is.

"We support the U.S. armed forces, and understand that DoD faces serious challenges in recruiting for the military," a coalition of privacy groups wrote to the Pentagon after notice of the program was published in the Federal Register a month ago. "But . . . the collection of this information is not consistent with the Privacy Act, which was passed by Congress to reduce the government's collection of personal information on Americans."

John Hamlinson: Oh Danny, how could you be so naive?
Kennard Chamberlin: Dan, court cases are decided by a series of blow jobs. In fact, our entire civilization is built on blow jobs.

No, seriously, invoking the Privacy Act these days in God's America is hilarious. Good one.

Chris Jay Hoofnagle, West Coast director of the Electronic Privacy Information Center, called the system "an audacious plan to target-market kids, as young as 16, for military solicitation."

The article goes with pointless questions about the risks of amassing SS#s and why the Pentagon needs access to students' ethnicities (so they know who to put in the infantry, duh). But the obvious problem (one of them, anyway) with this plan is how many unwilling people are going to have their data collected. Parents will be upset and students with no intention of enlisting will be needlessly harassed (we all know how well "opt out" clauses work). Therefore, wouldn't it be better to maintain a databse of people of fighting age who have actually voiced support for the war effort and are of legal age to join up and fight?

I've got a few places the DoD can start.

FreeRepublic.com
Little Green Footballs
RogerLSimon.com
Captain's Quarters
Blogsforbush.com

Just scan the comments sections of these places for people who seem to be extremely gung-ho about the prospect of putting their lives on the line for their country.

Though now that I think about it, it's kind of odd that hardly any of them have bothered to enlist yet.

Changing one's mind is a majority leader's prerogative

Flip flop!

Reversing field after a meeting with President Bush, Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist said he will continue pushing for a floor vote on John R. Bolton for U.N. ambassador. Frist switched his position after initially saying today that negotiations with Democrats to get a vote on Bolton had been exhausted.
...
Just about two hours hour earlier, Frist said he wouldn't schedule another vote on Bolton's nomination and said that Bush must decide the next move. Frist, R-Tenn., had said there was nothing further he could do to break a Democratic stalemate with the Bush White House over Bolton, an outspoken conservative who, opponents argue, would undermine U.S. interests at the world body.

But he changed his tune after talking to Bush

It's this kind of bold leadership that makes Frist a shoo-in for his party's nomination in 2008.

Describing his talk with Bush, Frist said: "The decision in talking to the president is that he strongly supports John Bolton, as we know, and he asked that we to continue to work. And we'll continue to work."

"It's not dead," he said. "It is going to require some continued talking and discussion."

Not dead? So would that mean Bolton's nomination is in...some sort of persistent vegetative state?

Too soon?

"We'll continue to work to get an up or down vote for John Bolton over the coming days, possibly weeks," he said.

Deputy State Department spokesman Adam Ereli had greeted Frist's initial announcement with a declaration that Democrats had left Bolton "hanging in the wind."

Given the part of the male anatomy Bolton is most often likened to, "hanging in the wind" sounds about right.

Guess they can finally make that Midnight Express sequel

Bummer:

An Indonesian court on Friday sentenced Australian beauty therapist Schapelle Corby to 20 years in jail for trying to smuggle 4.1 kg (9 lb) of marijuana into Bali, triggering outrage from her family and friends.

"The panel of judges declares the defendant legally and convincingly guilty of the crime of illegal importation of narcotics," judge Linton Sirait told a hearing watched live across Australia, where the case has transfixed the nation.

A dangerous drug smuggler getting her just desserts? Or a travesty of justice? Depends on who you ask.

Prosecutors had demanded life in jail for Corby, 27, who has repeatedly argued the drugs found by airport officials in her unlocked bag on the famous holiday island last year were not hers and that they were planted.
...
Her lawyers have insisted many people could have put the drugs into their client's bodyboard bag along the way from Brisbane to Bali, especially because it was not locked.

Corby, from Australia's eastern Gold Coast, changed planes in Sydney and her defense team has said she was the victim of a drug ring running narcotics from Brisbane to Sydney.

I haven't been following this case very closely, and I admit - at first blush it looked like Corby was getting prime exposure because of her looks (where have we heard that before?). The more I read about it...well, I still feel that way. If Corby is a 56 year-old man with a beer gut and neck wattle, nobody outside of Oceania pays any attention. That doesn't mean there might be some truth behind the outrage: no fingerprints were recovered from the evidence, and 15 people were recently arrested in connection with an Australian baggage handling drug ring; the judge in the case has famously stated, "I've been handling more than 500 drug cases but I have never acquitted one;" Indonesia proudly trumpets its victories in the War on Drugs, apparently hoping to keep U.S. eyes off the ugly upsurge of domestic Muslim extremism.

If she is guilty, she was either ignorant of the consequences or purposely flouted them. Neither option is particularly flattering (she's just lucky she wasn't going to Singapore).

Still, this is weed we're talking about, right? What's the danger to life and limb from 9 lbs of hydroponic? Aside from hitting someone on the head with it, I mean? Perhaps the government was worried such high grade herb would put too great a strain on production at Bali's struggling Frito-Lay plant.

UPDATE: The Wife reminds me that Abu Bakar Bashir, convicted of conspiracy in the 2002 Bali bombing, was sentenced to 2 1/2 whole years. So, y'know, priorities.

Vestal Vespa stole my Simpsons stem cell quote

[Which really serves me right, considering I spent Saturday swimming in Anahuac (not off the coast, for heaven's sake...in a pool) and most of yesterday trying to get caught up on The Venture Bros. and The Shield instead of paying much attention to the outside world.]

Anyway, does anyone besides me remember when the United States was actually a leader in science?

A measure by Reps. Mike Castle, R-Del., and Diana DeGette, D-Colo., would lift Bush's 2001 ban on the use of federal dollars for research using any new embryonic stem cell lines.

"I made very clear to Congress that the use of federal money, taxpayer's money, to promote science which destroys life in order to save life — I'm against that," Bush said. "Therefore, if the bill does that, I would veto it."

I wouldn't worry. Our children's children won't need stem cells, because "abstinence only" sex education, the suppression of birth control information, and the re-criminalization of abortion will ensure everyone has plenty of offspring to harvest for bone marrow and organs.

Bush began the day at the National Catholic Prayer Breakfast where he was cheered for urging people to "pray that America uses the gift of freedom to build a culture of life."

The remark was a public reaffirmation of his position on sensitive issues such as abortion and stem cell research.

Bush recalled the legacy of the late Pope John Paul II and said, "The best way to honor this great champion of human freedom is to continue to build a culture of life where the strong protect the weak."

It's a new definition of irony when the leader of a country with the highest capital punishment rate in the "civilized" world, and one who has sacrificed hundreds of our own soldiers can trumpet a "culture of life." And he can keep a straight face while using the leader of the Catholic Church as an example of the "strong protecting the weak."

In other news, it seems that not even the dinosaurs are safe:

The razor-toothed Tyrannosaurus rex, jaws agape, loomed ominously over the gentle Thescelosaurus, looking for plants to eat. Admiring the museum diorama were old and young visitors, listening on headphones to a stentorian voice describing the primeval scene.

But the Museum of Earth History is a museum with a controversial difference. To one side, peering through the bushes, are Adam and Eve. The display is not an image of the Cretaceous. It is Paradise. 'They lived together without fear, for there was no death yet,' the voice intoned about Man and Dinosaur.

Nestling deep in the Ozark mountains of Arkansas, in the heart of America's Bible Belt, this is the first dinosaur museum to take a creationist perspective. Already thousands of people have flocked to its top-quality exhibits which mix high science with fundamentalist theology that few serious scientists accept.

What am I supposed to add to that? These same "thousands" of people who seem to have no problem ignoring everything physics, geology, and the fossil record have taught us aren't going to be stopping by APCB so I can ridicule them. Living in ignorance has its comforts, which explains the fundamentalist mindset pretty well.

What I will say, as I have before, is that the Ozarks where the only place I ever saw a flyer advertising Saturday Night Dwarf Tossing. And that was in 1984.

Even as America's scientists make advances in palaeontology, astronomy and physics that appear to disprove creationism, Gallup surveys have shown that about 45 per cent of Americans believe the Earth was created by God within the past 10,000 years.

And yet Saturn got all the rings. Wise up, girlfriend.

Just to show I'm an equal opportunity lover of fundamentalism

The Koran also violates the People Magazine rule: it's longer than the average person can read during the average crap:

At least four people have been killed and many injured after police opened fire to break up an anti-US protest in eastern Afghanistan, officials say.

Hundreds of students rioted in the city of Jalalabad over reports interrogators at America's Guantanamo Bay prison had placed copies of the Koran on toilets.

The city is now said to be calm after widespread damage to property. All but essential UN staff are being withdrawn.
...
The unrest follows a report in the American magazine, Newsweek, that interrogators at Guantanamo Bay had placed copies of the Koran on toilets in order to put pressure on Muslim prisoners.

This sounds like a big misunderstanding to me. I'm sure that Guantanamo officials had initially put Maxim and Playboy in the bathrooms (to make the prison seem more like a normal single man's apartment), and when the detainees protested, offered the Koran as a compromise.

Could all of our cultural and philosophical differences boil down to the fact that they don't like to read on the can?

President Hamid Karzai said the violence showed the inability of Afghan authorities to handle such protests.

Speaking at Nato headquarters in Brussels, he said his country would need international assistance "for many, many years to come".

Sorry Hamid, we're a little too busy turning Iraq into the democratic paradise god intended[1] to pay much attention to your revenue stream. Maybe if you got your people to do something to grab our attention. Like, say, have a woman flee her own wedding and somehow grab a week's worth of headlines.

The protesters chanted "Death to America" and smashed car windows and damaged shops.

Smoke could be seen rising from various points in the city.

One international aid worker in Jalalabad told the BBC there were groups of people running along the streets, reportedly looking for foreigners and anyone working for non-governmental organisations.

There's one place that won't be getting my tourist dollars. Afghanistan once again proves it's ripe for my patented Porn & Big Macs foreign policy initiative.

Supersized meals, Chicken Soup for the Soul books, and 24 cable sports channels: these are the cornerstones of the New Hegemony.

[1] "Inside every Ay-rab is an American trying to get out."
[2] I'm doing a lot of footnotes lately

The conclave is half empty

Jeez guys, how about a little encouragement?

Cardinals Again Fail to Elect New Pope

That's the pessimistic way of looking at it, sure. But on the other hand, they totally succeeded in not electing a new pope. And if that means we're spared - even for a short while - 20 more years of anti-birth control dogma and slapping pedophile priests on the wrist, is that really such a bad thing?

Has anyone asked the Virgin Mary what she thinks?

UPDATE: Whoa. That was quick.

Good riddance, Eric Rudolph

Interesting article in the LA Times today about the two witnesses who stopped Eric Rudolph's bombing spree:

Jeffrey Tickal was drinking coffee at McDonald's when he saw the bomber striding past, and so it was on a McDonald's coffee cup that he wrote down the man's license plate number: KND1117.

Tickal had never done anything like that before, and he hasn't since. Stepping out of McDonald's and following the man that morning was an instinctive reaction, he said — "what everyone is supposed to do."

Despite the extraordinary police effort that went into investigating the deadly bombings in 1996, 1997 and 1998, it was two bystanders — Tickal and college student Jermaine Hughes — who provided the single filament of information that led to Eric Rudolph.

The police and FBI were lucky these guys went to the lengths they did to follow Rudolph, who said himself in a statement that the identification of his truck in Birmingham was one of the main reasons he decided to go into hiding. With 250 pounds of dynamite at his disposal, and the bombs he'd left averaging 5-15 pounds of dynamite each, I shudder to think of the damage the bastard could've done.

Some people a little more closely connected the Birmingham bombing are happy too:

Jeff Lyons has spent the last seven years helping his wife, Emily, recover from injuries she suffered in the Birmingham blast. Lyons said he looked forward to someday meeting the two witnesses to thank them.

"If you look for a hero in this case, it's them. The police and the FBI and all the other agents — they're paid to be heroes. These guys did it because it was the right thing to do," Lyons said. "That's rare in this world."

I had the pleasure of meeting Emily Lyons and spending a good part of a day with her a few years ago when she came to speak in Houston. I hope Rudolph's pending life sentence gives her some peace.

As for Rudolph himself, he's getting more mercy than he ever showed for any of his victims. I'm glad he'll be rotting in prison (Rudolph's going to Supermax, in Colorado, which currently houses the likes of Ted Kaczynski and Richard Reid), my only regret is that he won't be mingling with general population anywhere, where he'd get the chance to become more intimately acquainted with the "mud people" he likes to complain about.

Dia de las Muertas

So, not only did Terri Schiavo finally pass away, but she did it on the 10th anniversary of Selena's death. Selena, notable less for the quality of her music than her importance as an icon to the Mexican-American community, is probably not as well-known outside the border states, but here in Texas, she's big business.

Which is good news, of a sort, for the Schivao family. Maybe now they can look forward to tasteful silkscreen artwork or hologram cards of their daughter, as well.

The only question remaining is whether or not March 31 will henceforth be known as the "Feast of Mediocre Tejano Music" or "Hug Someone Unclear on the Concept of Checks and Balances Day." Pity Schiavo couldn't have held out until tomorrow, than everyone could've had fun thinking Terri had actually been saved at the 11th hour and spirited away to live on an island with Elvis, Jim Morrison, and D.B. Cooper.

Paul's still dead, though.

Hope they can squeeze this in between Jackson trial updates

No response yet from McClellan or the usual apologists to this:

In a scathing report, a presidential commission said Thursday that America's spy agencies were "dead wrong" in most of their judgments about Iraq's weapons of mass destruction before the war and that the United States knows "disturbingly little" about the weapons programs and threats posed by many of the nation's most dangerous adversaries.

The commission called for dramatic change to prevent future failures. It outlined more than 70 recommendations, saying that President Bush must give John Negroponte, the new director of national intelligence, broader powers for overseeing the nation's 15 spy agencies.

It also called for sweeping changes at the FBI to combine the bureau's counterterrorism and counterintelligence resources into a new office.

Get with the program, guys. Don't you know it was never about the WMD in the first place? "Yellowcake" is what the Administration was going to serve to our troops upon their triumphant return from bringing democracy to Iraq.

"We conclude that the intelligence community was dead wrong in almost all of its prewar judgments about Iraq's weapons of mass destruction," the commission said in a report to the president. "This was a major intelligence failure."
...
"On a matter of this importance, we simply cannot afford failures of this magnitude," the report said.

And yet we keep committing them. Funny thing, that.

Not "ha ha" funny, however.

And holding a match aloft during "Open Arms" at a Journey concert just looks silly

Finally, they came for my Leatherman, and there was no one left to speak out for me:

The Transportation Security Administration recently announced that a ban on all types of cigarette lighters is effective immediately, but that enforcement will not begin until April 14.

Although a ban on butane lighters had been included in legislation to improve airline security after the Sept. 11, 2001, attacks, airline passengers had been permitted to carry two butane lighters.

"For reasons of consistency, the TSA is banning all lighters — butane lighters, electric torch lighters, fuel-soaking lighters," said Andrea McCauley, a Fort Worth-based spokeswoman for the federal agency. "When the ban goes into place, you can carry up to four books of matches."

As incredulous as I get at some of the moves made in the name of making the world "safe from terrah," I'm surprised this didn't go into effect sooner. Honestly, carrying matches instead of a lighter isn't that much more of an inconvenience. Stick your Zippo in your checked bag and move along.

There are always those who disagree, of course:

Continental Airlines pilot Don McPhee used a butane lighter to light a cigarette for his wife, Cynthia, as he learned about the upcoming ban.

McPhee, who described himself as "a social smoker," said, "In the 21 years I've been flying, I've never heard of anybody trying to hurt anyone with a cigarette lighter on an airplane."

Only because Richard Reid tried using matches. If he'd had one of those nifty all-weather jobs you used to be able to get with your Marlboro miles, I bet there'd be a certain pilot singing a different tune right about now.

As for difficulty smoking, you guys might as well quit now. Even here in Houston, where driving east on 225 with the top down is probably the equivalent of smoking half a pack of Pall Malls, they're pushing through a ban in restaurants, and Austin and Dallas have already gone smoke-free.

Frequent flier Doug Zanders, of Huntsville, returning from his 41st trip this year as "a troubleshooter" for a steel company, was smoking a cigarette while waiting for his ride home.

"This country is growing more communist every day — telling you where you can smoke, where you can't smoke. That's communism," he said.

Zanders went on, "And the 55 MPH speed limit? That's the Nash equilibrium. DWI laws? Malthusian theory. When will the government get off our backs and present economic theory in a way the American people can understand?"

Although passengers will be allowed to carry up to four books of matches, the TSA is reviewing a possible ban on matches, McCauley said.

"We're looking at matches, but no definitive position has been reached," she said. "We don't want it to be a ban against smokers."

Matt Laidler, of Houston, had a no-fire answer to the problem.

Walking to a friend's waiting car, Laidler said, "I guess I'll just have to start chewing tobacco."

There's that pioneer spirit. And, as far as I know, dipping isn't outlawed on most public transportation.

Actors...is there anythinjg they don't know?

I knew it was just a matter of time before the celebrities started chiming in:

In a statement released yesterday, an angry [Mel] Gibson has thrown his weight behind Schiavo's parents' ongoing fight. He fumes, "I fully support the efforts of Mr. and Mrs. Schindler to save their daughter... from a cruel starvation. Terri's husband should sign the care of his wife over to her parents so she can be properly cared for."

"After all," he continued, "I won an Oscar, and they don't just give those out unless you have a keen grasp of neurology and American law."

And former Everybody Loves Raymond star [Patricia] Heaton is just as fired up about the euthanasia battle. She says, "I don't know how the courts allowed this to happen but it's a very, very dark day for people with disabilities. There's a woman, who is disabled, who is being starved to death. Terri Schiavo is not brain dead; she's alive, she's breathing, she's disabled. People on Death Row get more of a shot at appealing their sentence that Terri Schiavo is getting - and she hasn't committed any crime."

Schiavo has had 15 years of attention from the courts and court-appointed physicians who have all reached the same conclusions: Michael Schiavo is the correct person to make legal decisions, and that there is no chance she will ever recover from the damage to her brain.

That's three years more than Lionel Herrera got, BTW. And 14 more than Gary Gilmore.

But it's always refreshing when the handful of conservative Hollywood celebrities put their two cents in. We're still waiting to hear from Charlton Heston (don't hold your breath), Tom Selleck, Kurt Russell, and James Woods. Maybe they're actual conservatives, however, who realize the idiocy of Congress stepping in to overturn a legitimate court decision.

A decision which is now, possibly, headed for the Supreme Court.

Heaton is planning to fast on Good Friday to "show some solidarity".

Ye gods.

I blame Florida’s death metal scene for this rejection of the “culture of life”

And I’ll just bet Judge Whittemore is a big Deicide fan:

A federal judge on Tuesday denied an emergency request to reinsert a feeding tube for Terri Schiavo, a brain-damaged woman at the center of a national legal battle over her life.
…
The ruling by U.S. District Judge James Whittemore in Tampa came after Congress and President Bush enacted legislation aimed at allowing federal courts to review Schiavo's case.

Whittemore is, of course, a Clinton appointee. I don’t have anything funny to say about that, except that I’m sure somebody’s going to be happy they won’t have to go to the “he got a blowjob” well anymore.

In denying the emergency request by attorneys for Schiavo's parents, Bob and Mary Schindler, Whittemore wrote that they did not not have a "substantial likelihood of success" on the merits of their arguments.

"This court concludes that Theresa Schiavo's life and liberty interests were adequately protected by the extensive process provided in the state courts," the judge wrote.

Damned activist judges. With their deliberate and consistent rulings.

But Schiavo's parents point to the absence of a living will, or written document, clearly spelling out her wishes. They argue that their daughter's due process rights have been violated and that she, as a Roman Catholic, would not have wanted to die.

They also contend that their daughter's condition could improve with treatment.

Only if you send Igor to the lab and have him bring back a new brain*, ‘cause the one Schiavo had ain’t gonna cut it.

Attorneys for Schiavo's parents will file an appeal at the 11th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals in Atlanta, Georgia.

That's the name for the next step after "media circus?" "Media gangbang?" "Mediapalooza?"

"Michael Jackson trial?"

*Just make sure it isn’t "Abby Normal’s."

Last Schivao-related entry

For the rest of the weekend, anyway.

It's good to know that even in the midst of a divisive war, a health care crisis, and the continued erosion of our civil liberties that the legislative branch of our government still has time to ignore the separation of powers and interfere with a legitimate state court's decision. Kudos.

As a deal in Congress was worked out to have federal courts decide Terri Schiavo's fate, emotions swelled outside the brain-damaged woman's hospice room Saturday, with protesters arrested after they symbolically tried to smuggle in bread and water on her second day without a feeding tube.

President Bush changed his schedule to return to Washington from his Texas ranch on Sunday to be on hand to sign the legislation.

Must be important if our fearless leader is willing to take a valuable day off from, uh, "working" at the White House West to fly back to DC.

Huh. These guys are obviously really passionate about the fate of this woman. Maybe I've been wrong to describe them as self-serving scumbags.

Then again, maybe not:

ABC News obtained talking points circulated among Senate Republicans explaining why they should vote to intervene in the Schiavo case. Among them, that it is an important moral issue and the "pro-life base will be excited," and that it is a "great political issue — this is a tough issue for Democrats."

Not that we should trust the mainstream media (or, chuckle, "MSM") when they say something like this, right? Obviously, they're just furthering their liberal agenda.

But back to the AP article:

Congressional leaders announced a compromise between Senate and House Republicans that would allow the brain-damaged woman's case to be reviewed by federal courts that could restore her feeding tube. Opposition waned after House leaders agreed to give up broader legislation and accept a narrowly crafted bill that applied only to Schiavo's case.

A "compromise" between members of the same party? That's pretty impressive.

19 different judges in six different courts and all their attendant physicians have determined Terri Schiavo has no hope of recovery. How hard is that to understand?

"We should investigate every avenue before we take the life of a living human being," said House Majority Leader Tom DeLay, R-Texas. "That's the very least we can do for her."

Unless that human being has a defense attorney who sleeps through their captial murder trial. I guess we can be expecting lots of visits from Tom DeLay in the coming months.

Randall Terry, an anti-abortion activist who is acting as a Schindler family spokesman, said the parents also were concerned about the tight security in their daughter's room, which includes a police officer standing guard.

"They are so determined to kill her that they don't want mom or dad to even put an ice chip in her mouth," Terry said.

I think the provisions of my living will are going to include instructions about my cremation and the subsequent blowing of my ashes into Randall Terry's eyes. What a rotten excuse for a human being.

"See you in hell...from heaven."

Lord, please protect us from your followers:

The presiding judge in the case of Terri Schiavo ruled Friday that the feeding tube keeping the brain-damaged woman alive must be removed, despite efforts by congressional Republicans to block the move by seeking her appearance at hearings.
...
"I have had no cogent reason why the (congressional) committee should intervene," [Pinellas Circuit Judge George] Greer told attorneys in a conference call, adding that last-minute action by Congress does not invalidate years of court rulings.

Rotsa ruck, Judge. Twice now Schiavo's feeding tube has been removed, only to be put back in. In spite of Greer's statement, this is far from over.

Then we get to the best part:

Outside Schiavo's hospice, about 30 people keeping vigil dropped to their knees in prayer when word spread of the judge's ruling calling for removal of the tube.

"What can wash away our sins? Nothing but the blood of Jesus," they sang. Messages on protest signs included "Impeach Greer.com," a reference to the judge, and "Execution — It's Not Just for the Guilty Anymore."

Why do I get the feeling that, if Schivao was merely some mentally retarded woman slowly dying of malnutrition on the streets of Miami, these same concerned Christians would be sitting comfortably in their homes, switching channels back and forth between 7th Heaven and Joey (and the latter only to keep record of all the penis references)? How dare Terri Schiavo - if her husband is to be believed, that is - have the temerity to dictate the conditions of her continued existence (if one can truly call it that)?

And you people are wearing those things wrong, they need to go over the nose and mouth:

Ingrates.

This now from the MSNBC article indicating the tube has, in fact, been removed:

The removal came amid a flurry of maneuvering by Schiavo's parents, state lawmakers and Congress to keep her alive. Committees in the Republican-controlled Congress issued subpoenas for Schiavo, her husband and her caregivers, demanding that they appear at hearings on March 25 and March 28.
...
David Gibbs, the attorney for her parents, said that “what the U.S. Congress is saying is, ‘We want to see Terri Schiavo.'"

"And we don't care how big of a circus we make of this or how much parading this woman in front of the national media makes a mockery of the so-called dignity we're ostensibly trying to protect."

To quote Lewis Black, "Unbe-fuck-lievable."

“The family is prayerfully excited about their daughter going before the United States Congress for the whole world to see how alive she is," he added.

As a parent myself, I honestly can't say how I'd be reacting where my child in the same situation. One thing's certain: I wouldn't be "prayerfully excited" about it, whatever the hell that means.

House Majority Leader Tom DeLay, R-Texas, told reporters in Washington earlier Friday that removal of the tube amounted to "barbarism."

Nice try Tom, but nobody's forgetting about your little problems.

Conjugal weekend at Bernie's?

So what. Big deal:

Bernard Ebbers, the former CEO of WorldCom, was found guilty Tuesday for his role in the mammoth accounting scandal that resulted in the largest bankruptcy in U.S. history.

A federal jury in New York, on its eighth day of deliberations, convicted Ebbers on all nine counts that he helped mastermind an $11 billion accounting fraud at WorldCom, now known as MCI.

Ebbers, 63, had been charged with one count of conspiracy, one count of securities fraud and seven counts of filing false statements with securities regulators. He faces up to 85 years in prison, but sentencing guidelines are expected to result in a shorter term that legal experts say could nonetheless put Ebbers behind bars for the rest of his life.

85 years is far less than the son of a bitch deserves, but far, far more than he will ever see. I don't know if I'd go so far as to say he'll be pardoned - he may be too high profile for that - but I'll be mightily surprised is he does time anywhere but a minimum security joint.

Which is too bad, because I really wanted to trot out that old Dennis Miller line (back when he was funny) about how, on the other side of the wall, "insider training takes on a whole new meaning."

What do you know? I just did.

Set the cruise control to 3 knots

"Cruise control." I kill me.

Looks like we got off lucky in getting off the boat when we did (registration required - article reproduced in its entirety):

Repairs crews are trying to get to a Carnival cruise ship loaded with passengers that is having problems at sea.

The cruise ship Ecstasy left Galveston Monday on a five-day trip, but experienced propulsion problems. The ship is expected to arrive at Progreso, Mexico Thursday where the faulty part will be replaced.

This is the second time Ecstasy experienced problems. Over the weekend, the same problem caused the ship to return to Galveston more than a day behind schedule.

A friend who watched the news last night tells me the ship was descrbed as "adrift." Maybe the prevailing winds are out of the east.

I can't tell you without looking at a map where in the hell Progreso is, but I suspect there aren't as many shore attractions there as in Cozumel.

Bet they have great soup, though.

I'm also more than mildly surprised they didn't fix the thing before turning around and leaving with another 2,500 passengers. We were leaving the terminal at the same time passengers for the next cruise were showing up, which means they weren't in port long enough to take care of the problem. Hope Carnival has the checkbook ready.

"The oldies are not goodies!"

What with their hard candy, long-winded anecdotes, and love of sodomites:

We're already hearing that Rove has tapped Bill Bennett to take up his anti-AARP slime crusade. And another TPM Reader, JW, has just drawn our attention to a USANext ad (second down on the right hand column) currently running on the American Spectator website.

(USANext, you'll remember from this morning's Times, is the GOP seniors astroturf group now tasked with roughing up AARP for opposing Social Security phase-out.)

The ad in question:

So the AARP, which actually supported Bush's prescription drug plan, has the temerity to voice its displeasure with proposed Social Security cuts, causing Rove to release the spurious affiliation hounds.

Marshall has links to other ads waiting in the wings: This one, which places "AARP" in a rogues' gallery that includes Hillary Clinton and Ted Kennedy, and this one, a poll that asks which is more liberal, the AARP, ACLU, NAACP, or NARAL? I assume the follow-up question is, "When - if ever - do you think those retired, pinko, gangbanging baby murderers stopped beating their wives?"

I'd assume this kind of sleazery would backfire on Rove and company at some point...except it hasn't yet. As with the Swift Boat Veterans, these guys have proven they can make whatever baseless and unsubstantiated claims they wish and significant numbers of people out there will believe them. I'd like to think this is going to come back to bite Bush on the ass, but precedent isn't exactly in my favor. We'll see what happens if these banners ever show up places that aren't Administration apologists like the Spectator web site.

Hunter. S. Thompson, R.I.P.

Raoul Duke is dead:

Hunter S. Thompson, the acerbic counterculture writer who popularized a new form of journalism in books like "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas," fatally shot himself Sunday night at his Aspen-area home, his son said. He was 67.

Wow. I guess there's a certain...inevitability to this, but after everything the man had subjected his body to over the years, one always got the impression Thompson would go on forever.

I read Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas in high school (how original). I followed it up with just about everything else of his I could get my hands on (I like to think this contributed to my choosing, then dropping journalism as a major). His later stuff never approached the work he did early on, but he was still capable of the occasional bullseye.

So long, Dr. Gonzo. Strange as it sounds, you were one of the last voices of reason in these fucked up times.

How bad have things gotten when the man who fought Nixon tooth and nail chose this particular time to kill himself?

UPDATE: And in a weird coincidence, it appears Sandra Dee has died as well.

Priest, forgive thyself

Because no one else will:

Defrocked priest Paul Shanley, a central figure in the Boston Archdiocese clergy sex abuse scandal, was sentenced today to 12 to 15 years in prison for raping a boy repeatedly in the 1980s.

"It is difficult to imagine a more egregious misuse of trust and authority," Judge Stephen Neel said in imposing the term. But he turned aside a prosecutor's request for a life sentence.

Shanley, 74, once known for a being a hip "street priest" who reached out to troubled children and homosexuals, was convicted last week of two counts each of child rape and indecent assault and battery on a child.

I'll just bet he "reached out" to troubled children. There's not much left to say now about this wretched man. At 74, 12 to 15 years (eligible for parole after 8) means Shanley will likely die in prison.

Though not necessarily of natural causes:

Some inmate advocates say whatever prison term Shanley gets could amount to a death sentence.

Another key figure in the scandal in Massachusetts, former priest John Geoghan, was beaten and strangled behind bars in 2003, a year after being convicted of molesting a 10-year-old boy. A fellow prisoner later told investigators he killed Geoghan "to save the children."

"He's so high-profile that that puts a big target on his back," said James Pingeon, a lawyer at Massachusetts Correctional Legal Services, a group that provides civil legal services to inmates. "We feel concerned. Obviously, he's a vulnerable person because of his notoriety and his age."

True, but as long as he asks for forgiveness everything will be all right, won't it?

Conscious as I am of the horrific conditions in American prisons, I'm having a hard time dredging up a lot of sympathy for Shanley. If I believed in hell, my fervent hope would be for him to burn in it.

"For one dollar I'll guess your weight, your height, or your sex."

What was that Bill Hicks comment about belt-tightening again?

President Bush's budget will propose slashing grants to local law enforcement agencies and cutting spending for environmental protection, American Indian schools and home-heating aid for the poor, The Associated Press learned today.

Bush molded the roughly $2.5 trillion spending plan for 2006 as a response to a string of record federal deficits, and is sends it to Congress on Monday.

Not included in the budget were early proposals to have each citizen of the United States mail the President a check for $300.

According to figures obtained by the AP, Bush would slice a $600 million grant program for local police agencies to $60 million next year. Grants to local firefighters, for which Congress provided $715 million this year, would fall to $500 million.

That'll teach those lousy pigs to support the other guy come election time. Good thing "The objective of securing the safety of Americans from crime and terror has been achieved," as John Ashcroft said in November.

Also gone would be assistance for police departments to improve technology and their ability to communicate with other agencies.

But boards with nails in them will still be freely available.

Luckily, our oceans will remain safe from the continued threat of al-Qaeda's massive dreadnoughts:

The Coast Guard - now part of the Homeland Security Department - will get $8.1 billion, $600 million over this year. Included will be a healthy increase for its plans to buy more oceangoing vessels, a boon to the new chairman of the Senate Appropriations Committee, Sen. Thad Cochran, R-Miss., in whose state many of the ships are built.

At long last, the shores of Pascagoula will be safe from the terrorist menace.

This next bit, from another story, might be my favorite part:

Move to raise the maximum Pell Grant for students from $4,050 to $4,550 over five years, or by $100 a year. Along with other changes, Bush's financial aid plan would cost about $28 billion over 10 years.

To help pay for it, the president would shrink subsidies the government pays banks to encourage them to make low-interest loans, and to the agencies that insure the loans for the lenders, education department officials said. He would also phase out Perkins loans, 673,000 of which were made to graduate and undergraduate students last year.

$4,550? Thanks a pantload, George. That $100 increase a year is roughly the cost of one biology textbook and a box of pens. Combine fewer loans with deregulated tuition costs (as we have here in Texas), and college degrees will soon be so expensive only the five richest kings of Europe will own them.

Apparently "no child left behind" doesn't count once they've left the realm of standardized testing.

Noted for 2008

Joe Lieberman was one of six Senate Democrats who voted to confirm weasely GOP yes-man Alberto Gonzales as Attorney General.

Gonzales was confirmed by a vote of 60-36, so the outcome wasn't really in doubt, but I'm sure he appreciated the added Joementum.

Let the eagle bore

Sounds like someone refused to go quietly into that good night:

In a stinging parting shot at administration critics, Attorney General John Ashcroft on Tuesday warned of serious threats to public safety and security if Congress fails to restore stiff sentencing guidelines and does not renew portions of the Patriot Act.

In his final hours in office, Ashcroft delivered the hard-hitting remarks notable as much for his characteristic stark language as for his uncompromising message.

He was especially blunt in his view of the 5-4 Supreme Court decision that dealt a blow to federal sentencing guidelines.

"Last month's Supreme Court ruling that federal judges are not bound by sentencing guidelines is a retreat from justice that may put the public's safety in jeopardy," Ashcroft declared. "Which of our daughters, wives and husbands -- are we willing to sacrifice to return to revolving door justice."

While I can't decide which phrase turns me on more - the reference to "daughters" or "revolving door justice" - I was always under the impression giving judges the discretion to administer punishment as they see fit based on all the factors in the case could be a good thing. Especially concerning drug offenses.

It's the last part of the article I really like, however:

Ashcroft's final speech was loudly applauded by the audience in the auditorium of the staunchly conservative Heritage Foundation in Washington.

Ashcroft was introduced by the organization's chief legal strategist, former Attorney General Ed Meese, as a man who "served with dignity, integrity and excellence."

Because if anyone knows about serving with dignity, integrity, and excellence, it's Ed Meese.

Help us, Shia LaBeouf. You're our only hope.

It's good to know that we finally found those elusive WMD. Finally, some justification for this war that's cost the lives of over 1,300 American soldiers and 15,000 Iraqi civilians (to say nothing of the credibility of the United States).

What's that?

The hunt for biological, chemical and nuclear weapons in Iraq (news - web sites) has come to an end nearly two years after President Bush ordered U.S. troops to disarm Saddam Hussein. The top CIA weapons hunter is home, and analysts are back at Langley.

In interviews, officials who served with the Iraq Survey Group (ISG) said the violence in Iraq, coupled with a lack of new information, led them to fold up the effort shortly before Christmas.

Four months after Charles A. Duelfer, who led the weapons hunt in 2004, submitted an interim report to Congress that contradicted nearly every prewar assertion about Iraq made by top Bush administration officials, a senior intelligence official said the findings will stand as the ISG's final conclusions and will be published this spring.

Granted, this isn't as big a deal as, say, CBS firing some people, but we all need our priorities.

President Bush, Vice President Cheney and other top administration officials asserted before the U.S. invasion in March 2003 that Iraq was reconstituting its nuclear weapons program, had chemical and biological weapons, and maintained links to al Qaeda affiliates to whom it might give such weapons to use against the United States.

Gee, you'd almost think that bullshitting the American public in order to go to war would cost a Commander in Chief an election. Luckily, we're too precoccupied with where everyone's sticking their genitals to worry about such trivial matters as our President lying to us.

Unless it's about a blow job, of course. 'cause that involves genitals.

Bush has expressed disappointment that no weapons or weapons programs were found, but the White House has been reluctant to call off the hunt, holding out the possibility that weapons were moved out of Iraq before the war or are well hidden somewhere inside the country. But the intelligence official said that possibility is very small.

"Well hidden," eh? Sounds like the wrong team was on the job...

And now for the important stuff

Yes, yes...the earthquake and resultant tsunamis were horrible and all, but what America really wants to know is: were any famous people inconvenienced?

A German statesman, a Czech super model and a Swedish Olympic ski champion were among the vacationers whose search for peace and sun in tropical southern Asia was shattered by the tsunamis that spared neither rich nor poor.

Except the poor don't get their own bylines on CNN, of course.

Petra Nemcova -- who appeared on the cover of 2003 Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue -- was carried away with her boyfriend, the fashion photographer Simon Atlee, after a huge wave plowed into southern Thailand on Sunday.

Atlee is still missing, and Nemcova suffered fairly serious injuries, though no one is speculating as to whether or not her bikini days are over. Still, she got off lucky.

Not so lucky as some, however.

Former German Chancellor Helmut Kohl was on holiday in Sri Lanka's pristine south -- one of the areas most devastated by tsunamis.

Kohl and his entourage were evacuated Tuesday from a hotel by the Sri Lankan air force.

"The helicopter went and we managed to bring him back with six others," Commander Air Marshal Donald Perera told The Associated Press.

Pretty fortunate for Kohl that he was able to get out when 18,000 others (so far) on Sri Lanka died because no one bothered to warn them. Hopefully the survivors will be comforted by the fact that Jet Li's okay.

I will give this story all the moral outrage it deserves

Which is to say, "Ook ook ook ook ook, ook ook, ook ook ook:"

A portrait of President Bush (news - web sites) using monkeys to form his image led to the closure of a New York art exhibition over the weekend and anguished protests on Monday over freedom of expression.

"Bush Monkeys," a small acrylic on canvas by Chris Savido, created the stir at the Chelsea Market public space, leading the market's managers to close down the 60-piece show that was scheduled to stay up for the next month.
...
"We had tons of people, like more than 2,000 people show up for the opening on Thursday night," said show organizer Bucky Turco. "Then this manager saw the piece and the guy just kind of flipped out. 'The show is over. Get this work down or I'm gonna arrest you,' he said. It's been kind of wild."

Hot damn, that "Bush looks like a chimp" thing is still funny, even now...four years and one lost election later. Kudos to this courageous artist, who had the steely resolve put his work together in the face of overwhelming apathy and disinterest, only to be thrust into the spotlight by a gallery manager whose knee-jerkery prevented him from realizing how famous he was about to make the offending painting and its creator. Good job.

Surely Savido's reaction was one of gratitude for the instant notoriety his work would otherwise never have received:

The Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania-bred artist said he was happy for all the attention paid to his work but said the decision to shutter the exhibit was "a blatant act of censorship." ... "This is much deeper than art. This is fundamental American rights, freedom of speech," Savido said. "To see that something like this can happen, especially in a place like New York City is mind boggling and scary."

Hey Chris, you might want to get off the cross before Andres Serrano dunks you in a big jar of urine.

A private gallery manager telling you you can't show your clever picture is not "censorship" (I wish it was, so I could make similar accusations against every editor who ever shot down a query letter or proposal of mine). If you'd really wanted to stir up some shit, you should've made a portrait of Bush out of penises, or images of the World Trade Center, or dead American soldiers.

The monkey thing, on the other hand, has already been done. And it wasn't really that funny the first time around.

That oughta cover it

I'm almost surprised to hear we have 1,500 troops left to send over to Iraq:

The United States is dispatching an additional 1,500 troops to Iraq and extending the stays of more than 10,000 others to bolster security ahead of January's scheduled elections.
...
The U.S. troop moves, announced Wednesday, will bring the number of American forces in Iraq from nearly 140,000 to an all-time high of about 150,000, the Pentagon said.

Boy, it's sure help if we had some other countries that might like to get in on this action. What's that called again? Oh right, a "coalition."

The Pentagon sees light at the end of the tunnel, although this really seems like a comment that could back and bite them on the ass. Kind of like Ben Affleck saying he'll never do a Daredevil sequel.

Some units are having their period of service in Iraq extended from 12 to 14 months, or from seven to nine months.

One unit, the 2nd Brigade of the 1st Cavalry Division, is having its tour of duty extended for the second time. After being slated to fly home in November, then January, they will now remain until March.

But [Army Brig Gen David] Rodriguez said even if the election was delayed, "they will not be extended any further than this".