A Perfectly Cromulent Blog

"We'll even provide you with a prescription bong."

"Do you want the wizard, or the skull?"

The Kingwood teenager's story of decapitating a corpse and using the head to smoke marijuana was so outlandish that at first Houston Police Department senior police officer Jim Adkins did not believe it.

Yet, Kevin Wade Jones Jr., 17, appeared almost indifferent as he relayed the bizarre description of his and two friends' activities at an Humble area graveyard, Adkins said.

"I just doubted it because it's very morbid, and I couldn't see anybody doing something like this," Adkins said Thursday.

Not until police went to the home of another Kingwood 17-year-old, Matthew Richard Gonzalez, did the officer believe the tale.

"He regurgitated in his plate of food when I asked him about it," Adkins said. "So I knew there was some truth to the story."
[...]
Houston police believe the teens disturbed the grave of an 11-year-old boy who died in 1921.

The child was buried at an unmarked cemetery believed to be reserved for black veterans and their families, Adkins said.

I knew some real winners in college, including a couple of guys I worked with who were in the occasional habit of making off with headstones from local cemetaries. Rumor was they'd eventually ramped up their desecration to actual corpse abuse, but by then I'd quit the College Republicans.

Can't you get human skulls online? And is it true that ones from India always have perfect teeth?

A few things:

Jones claimed he and his friends used shovels to dig up the body and removed the corpse's head with a garden tool, Adkins said. Jones also revealed he and the other two boys took the severed head to the juvenile's home, where they used the skull as a "bong" to smoke marijuana, the officer said.

They would then use the marijuana to "get high," which would potentially lead to fits of "the giggles" and "munchies." Finally, the boys might listen to "Pink Floyd" before "passing out."

The three boys, all home-schooled, have also been charged in connection with the vehicle break-in.

"Why always Boris?"

Just about every time I see a movie at the Edwards Marq*E the ticket taker is this interesting fellow named - for purposes of this discussion - "Gavrilo." Gavrilo is of indeterminate European origin, though his accent leads me to suspect Slavic ancestry. He's in his mid-40s and looks like a cross between Eastern Promises vintage Viggo Mortensen and that big bastard Bruce Willis kills in the elevator in Die Hard 3. He has a flattop, meaty forearms, and a number of distinctly homemade looking tats, leading me to believe he's either:

1) A Soviet-era gangster on the lam from Jim Belushi and Arnold Schwarzenegger, or

2) Ex-Serbian Special Forces. His sentence for wartime atrocities? Working as the only guy over the age of 25 in an American movie theater.

Still, the dude says 'hi' to me and waves me in without question whenever I show up for a screening, and I suspect he'd do the same even on non-promo nights. I'm not too keen on testing that, however; because he remains, along with Not Suge Knight from Mission Burrito, one of the only elements of potential danger in my lame Wonder Bread life.

With apologies to Rick Blaine

I don't mind a sexual predator masquerading as the spiritual head of a Christian school, I object to a cut-rate one:

Tamiku [Robertson] is talking about her conversations with the co-founder of Parkway Christian School in Spring. Lavern Jordan offered to waive $300 in enrollment fees at Parkway Christian School in exchange for sex.
[...]
Jordan: "Excuse me and I don't mean to be so blunt but I am talking about f------ you, Tamiku."

Robertson: "You talking about what?"

Jordan: "F------ you."

Jordan: "For the $300 I would expect maybe we could get together several times, you think?"

What balls. Not only does the guy prey on mothers who want to get their kids into Parkway, he's haggling over how far those three bills will get him. Later on, Jordan also balks at actually getting a hotel room, suggesting they just "park out back" of the local La Quinta.

I love this town.

Maybe it was something I said

In case it isn't readily apparent from my crappy digital camera's output, two of our neighbors are selling their houses:

It's a bummer, because we're friends with both households, especially the next-door folks. Trey and his family have been regular guests at our cookouts, and I've drank many a beer and lost many a hand of poker at his table. They'll be missed.

But not so much that I'm going to stop screaming "Allāhu Akbar! out the window every time he shows someone the house. That's payback for four years of annoying barking dachsund.

He's gotten pretty quick about hustling prospective buyers inside.

"It's the cops!"
"Worse...the Police Cops."

Saw Street Kings - that new bad cop/bad cop movie starring Keanu Reeves and Forest Whitaker - tonight. I commented to a fellow critic that it seemed to have been written in 1988 to capitalize on the Lethal Weapon franchise. He replied that casting Eric Roberts and Don "The Dragon" Wilson could only improve the finished product.

Yeah, it wasn't good.

There was one curious incident, however. At one point, Reeve's character is questioning a gang member (played by rapper The Game) about the murder of his ex-partner, augmenting his questions with multiple (like, dozens of) blows from a phone book. Now, tonight's screening was sponsored by 97.9 The Box, a local hip-hop radio station, and the audience was not so coincidentally about 75% African-American. The overwhelming response to a fairly blatant depiction of white cop on black suspect brutality? Wild cheers and applause. I was a bit surprised, especially since a Rodney King reference had already been made.

Maybe there were a lot of 50 Cent fans in attendance.

"You see what happens, Larry?"

Oh, now this just breaks my heart:

Borders, the nation's second-largest bookseller, said Thursday it may put itself up for sale and has lined up $42.5 million in financing to help the chain continue operations.

Borders has lost market share both to online companies and to Wal-Mart Stores Inc.
[...]
After postponing its scheduled fourth-quarter earnings results Wednesday, the company reported net income of $64.7 million, or $1.10 a share, compared with a loss of $73.6 million, or $1.22, during the same period last year.

Revenue fell 2 percent to $1.35 billion, from $1.37 billion.

Analysts polled by Thomson Financial expected profits of $1.42 per share on sales of $1.37 billion.

Quarterly results included a $7 million loss from the sale of Irish and British businesses for $13 million.

In yet another sign of pressures on retailers nationwide, Borders suspended quarterly dividends, which it will plow into operations.
[...]
Ann Arbor-based Borders said J.P. Morgan Securities Inc. and Merrill Lynch & Co. have been retained as the company's financial advisers to assist the company as it explores strategic alternatives.

The company said it can give no assurances that a transaction of any kind will occur.

Revenues, shmevenues. Everybody knows this is spectral vengeance for the W. Alabama store knocking down my beloved Ale House.

All good things...

22 in a row is still pretty damn good, but not good enough to overcome the Celtics:

The Rockets lost to Celtics tonight at Toyota Center and were unable to extend their club record 22-win streak to 23 games.

That's some fine coverage. Then again, the game just ended five minutes ago.

I'm not much of a basketball fan, but it was hard not to get caught up in the Rockets' run, especially when they kept it up even after Yao went down 12 games in (and because football's over and baseball hasn't started yet).

And it would've been nice to see more than 50% of the crowd sticking around for the end of the game. Fine, they were down 20 with two minutes to go; stick it out and give the players a hand. They still have the second longest win streak in NBA history.

But if I was a gambling man (uh, pay no attention to those half dozen Final Four brackets I've filled out), I probably would've bet on the Celtics tonight. More interesting - and more ominous for the West - is Boston's performance on this road trip. They beat San Antonio last night, took the starch out of Houston's shirts tonight, and take on the Mavericks Thursday. That's potential bad news for the West's prospects in the post-season (and a consarned embarrassment to Texas pride).

One win away from a perfect NFL season, two World Series titles in three years, the best record in the NBA...when the hell did Boston get so good at everything?

So he wasn't drinking a pina colada at Trader Vic's

But was his hair perfect?

Werewolf bandit snared in north Harris County

A man who donned a werewolf mask inside a convenience store Wednesday wasn't engaging in some late Halloween festivities.

Mackinley Breeden, 28, demanded cash, not candy, about 11:30 a.m. when he stormed into a Circle K store in the 5100 block of FM 1960, Harris County deputies said.

The knife-wielding Breeden told the clerk not to move, then grabbed the money from the register and fled. A passerby saw the clerk chasing Breeden from the store, deputies said.

"He (Breeden) still had the mask on," said Harris County Sheriff's Sgt. Noel Araguz. "So, (the witness) put two-and-two together and said it was a robbery."

Rarely has the disconnect between headline and story disappointed me so. At least the savvy passerby realized that lycanthropy only manifests itself after dark. Stupidity, on the other hand, knows no circadian rhythm.

Shouting at the devil

I know Motley Crue's Nikki Sixx wason a book tour promoting The Heroin Diaries, his collection of journal entries documenting his life between Christmas '86 and Christmas '87 (which includes the period I saw them play the Summit with Tim, among others), but is he coming to Houston?

I ask because I swear I just saw him driving a Ford Taurus down Westheimer at Dunlavy.

On second thought, it doesn't seem very likely. There are a shitload of tattoo parlors in that area, however.

"So this is Planet Houston."

Never have I wished I had a big box of signboard letters in my trunk more than when I passed one of our many local Baptist churches today:

Or at least just a 'Z.'

How 'bout this heat?

Nobody's complaining about two months of rainfall now, I reckon.

"Murderous," "bloody hot," "fiery" and "worse than Dallas" were how some portrayed Sunday's sweltering heat, which reached 102 degrees at George Bush Intercontinental Airport.

The combined humidity and temperature created a feels-like heat index of 112 and led the city to declare a heat emergency, the first this year. Many stayed indoors, leaving pools and parks eerily empty during the hottest part of the day.

Houstonians face dangerous heat again today, with temperatures expected to break the 100-degree mark and no relief in sight until Wednesday, forecasters said.

I chose this last weekend to accompany my friend Sir Not Appearing In This Blog and several of his co-workers to the Houston-Chicago pre-season game on Saturday. Naturally for the guy who built Smogdor, tailgating was involved. Not quite as naturally, he and co-worker BT recently purchased a firetruck for just such occasions.

Big Red, the name under which the non-air conditioned, emissions violating monstrosity travels, is a 1971 Mack. Beyond that, I sort of blurred on the details. Did I mention it was really freaking hot?

Obviously, the truck didn't look originally look like this. They've put a ton of work into it already, and by the start of the regular season, they want to have a couple pits installed. I watched some guys working on this one, which I believe is going up top:

In the meantime, they're "making do" with this number:

It has a big brother lurking somewhere. As there were only going to be eight or ten of us in attendance, the little one seemed sufficient.

After some minor prep, which included securing the flags and - in a rare sign of maturity - purchasing more water than beer, we headed down to Reliant Stadium around 5 PM. The reading on the thermometer at the shop when we left was a crisp 105.

Once we rounded everybody up, it didn't take long to make camp. And those tents would come in handy when a freak storm blew up over us around 6 PM.

The view from the top.

The game, like all pre-season affairs, was essentially pointless. New Texans QB Matt Schaub played two series, while Bears starting goat Rex Grossman lasted one less. The "new" Houston offense looked suspiciously like the old, and we went back to the beer and food at halftime.

One of the few existing pictures of BT (center). I think the last guy to take his photo got stabbed in a port-a-john, so I hope everyone appreciates the risk I'm taking.

I don't know who the dork with the hat is, he just kind of showed up.

We're in the habit of being one of the last vehicles out of the lot. I'm not sure that's the best way to commemorate a 20-19 loss, but I wasn't driving.

I made it home a little after midnight, took the greatest shower of my life (not counting a few during my sexually adventurous college days), and collapsed. I think it's safe to say I'll be joining Big Red and the crew a couple more times this season, but probably not until the temperature dips into the relatively frigid 80s.

"There's flooding down in Texas"

"All of the telephone lines are down:"

The Fourth of July turned out to be another soggy day for much of Texas, with 20 counties in Southeast Texas -- including Harris County -- under a flash flood watch that has been extended until Thursday afternoon.

An upper level low pressure system combined with abundant moisture to produce scattered to numerous showers and thunderstorms across the area today, the National Weather Service said.

Rainfall amounts of two to four inches, with isolated amounts of four to six inches can be expected in the watch area by this evening, the weather service said.

The ground in the area is already saturated and any additional heavy rainfall could produce flash flooding.
[...]
The rain that has fallen for nearly two consecutive weeks will continue into the weekend.

In the first three days of July it's rained 1.66 inches at Intercontinental airport and 1.82 inches at Hobby airport.

We've had rain for - literally - three weeks straight. This is somewhere on the spectrum between the folks in central Texas, who've been getting millennial level rainfall, and most of the rest of the country, which is under some variety of drought/fire hazard warning. All things being equal, I'll take a little sogginess.

But it's not all bad news:

The Houston-area temperature is also five to 10 degrees below the average of 93 degrees. Temperatures today are expected to be in the low to mid-80's.

So we got that going for us. Which is nice.

La Dolce Fino

I'm trying really hard here, but I just can't seem to get all that worked up about this story:

As soon as the toll hike story first broke, we set out to do what many of our viewers asked -- investigate if anyone gets a freebie. We asked the toll road for records under state law.

Last week we broke the first story -- 5,500 free tags were out there and all toll road employees got to use the EZ tags for a free commute. Late Wednesday afternoon, we got a computer disk detailing every single free toll for a single year and at first blush, the numbers appear to be staggering.

In one month -- May of 2007 -- there were more than 172,000 free tolls. And the change adds up quickly to $150,000 in one month. If that number holds true, imagine how many millions in tolls have been given away in the fifteen years the freebees have been in effect.

Now remember -- some of the tags are given to emergency vehicles and toll road businesses, but in the few minutes we had to look at just one month, we saw the signs of potential abuse -- tags used very late at night or in the middle of the night.

We looked first at west side cops who have dozens of free tags. You'd expect them to travel the Sam Houston Tollway on the west side, but you see tolls in the south and southeast -- far outside the beats.

Again, we are just starting to look at the data, but we wanted to tell you were on top of it. And as we got the records, the toll road had another announcement.

Two months of policy review is apparently enough for the toll road bosses to figure out they should stop giving away free rides that county leaders never approved. It's been a great perk -- a free commute if you work for the Harris County Toll Road Authority. Hundreds of employees had it for 15 years. Not anymore.

A memo Wednesday morning told toll road employees they'll have to pay like everyone else starting right now. The toll road was questioning its own free ride policy at the same time as it was raising toll rates. But once they wanted more money from you, Eyewitness News wanted to know who was getting freebies. And just days after we got that list, the freebies ended.

This story isn't quite synched with the one that aired on ABC13's broadcast tonight (linked on the same page), which said a mere 650 of those 5,500 free tags were given to HCTRA employees. There was also no breakdown on charges for emergency and police vehicles versus those of Toll Road Authority employees, so it's impossible to tell just how much of the "staggering" $150,000/month total is attributed to HCTRA workers.

I don't doubt there are abuses, and the HCTRA's policy probably stipulated the free tags were only to be used for commuting to and from work and for Toll Road Authority-related business, but look at the numbers: 172000 free tolls / 5500 free tags = 31.3 tolls per tag. I'm no big city mathematician, and even allowing that not every tag is used every day (not that we were given any concrete numbers for any of this) that's not even two per workday in May. This is a scandal?

The story that aired on TV was headed up by ABC13's Ted Oberg and APCB favorite Wayne Dolcefino, who solemnly informed us of this injustice while conveniently ignoring both the common practice of employees getting company perks (do ABC13 employees get discounts for Disneyland resorts and cruises?) and the generally shitty pay earned by county employees.

Maybe it's just me, but my righteous indignation meter failed to register on this.

SB 419 Update - 5/17

Everyone's favorite Senate Bill, 419 (previously discussed here, here, and here), is currently languishing in Calendars. If it doesn't get out of there, it will die. At the least, the insurance industry gets to avoid covering even the relatively meager expenses for speech and occupational therapy. At the most, any chance of getting ABA put back in is lost for good.

I've listed the Calendars Committee membership below. I know I've already asked a lot, but if you're represented by any of the following people (hell, even if you aren't, it's a committee after all), please call them and ask them to put SB 419 on the calendar. It'll only take a couple of minutes.

Rep. Beverly Woolley - (512) 463-0696
Rep. Norma Chavez - (512) 463-0622
Rep. Dan Branch - (512) 463-0367
Rep. Myra Crownover - (512) 463-0582
Rep. Dawnna Dukes - (512) 463-0506
Rep. Gary Elkins - (512) 463-0722
Rep. Ryan Guillen - (512) 463-0416
Rep. Mike "Tuffy" Hamilton - (512) 463-0412
Rep, Larry Taylor...oh, never mind
Rep. Sylvester Turner - (512) 463-0554
Rep. Corbin Van Arsdale - (512) 463-0661

How convenient that Taylor is on both the committees that have screwed this bill. In any event, we won't know if we don't try, right?

Yeah.

Art Carfunkel

Headed downtown with Sir Not Appearing In This Blog and our respective daughters yesterday for the Art Car Parade. I know there's been talk of corporate sponsorship ruining the spirit of the parade (which is funny coming from the newspaper of the city with the original Starbucks across from a Starbucks), but we still had a groovy time.

That said, it does seem like we get more and more cars each year. There were over 300 this time around, and some were rather half-assed. The good ones, however, were pretty damn good.

But first, I'm getting one of these:

That's a Cruzin Cooler: 500 watts, 13 MPH, and 24 12-oz cans of pure awesomeness.

Speaking of pure awesomeness, George Clinton was the Grand Marshal:

And then the parade really began. There were all manner of great cars - both classic Art Car standards and new entries - but there were a few I wanted to point out, including the Dancing Queen, the converted school bus that I feel certain would've been The Thing That Walks Like A Man's favorite entry:

Next up, one of my personal favorites. And all due respect to the Vroom Vroom Room (and the one picture I got of them was hopelessly blurry), but I really enjoyed the car made of Billy Bass and Rocky Lobsters synched up to sing opera:

I guess I'm just a hoosier at heart.

Finally, I had to point out what I thought was either a gross oversight or a joke in somewhat poor taste on the part of the organizers. To wit: the placement of the Jewish car behind the car for the Klein (Katy? Kincaid?) German Club van:

Okay, maybe I was the only one who noticed.

A fine time was had by all, and while there are - admittedly - a number of commercially sponsored entries (Starbucks, McDonald's, the Houston Chronicle), the Art Car Parade remains one of the few events in Houston that is free to attend and that allows people to bring a whatever food they like, lawn chairs and blankets, and a cooler of tall boys (*cough*). Try to do the same at any of the city's other festivals. Or an Astros or Texans game.

"Do you know what happens to a toad when it's hit by a tornado?"

"The same thing that happens to everything else:"

The worst-case scenario for a large tornado striking Houston makes a hurricane look like high surf.

Spinning at 225 mph, the tornado touches down in southwest Houston, skirting the Astrodome and barreling through parts of River Oaks, Montrose and the Heights before exiting the city's northeast edge.

At the end of its run, the tornado will have killed as many as 23,700 people whose residences and business cannot withstand the deadly wind.

That's the conclusion of severe storm researchers using new data to model the effects of large tornadoes striking U.S. metropolitan areas such as Houston, Chicago and Dallas. The researchers say there is little data to know for sure how many people would die in urban structures in a large tornado.

River Oaks? Montrose? What kind of contrarian tornado aims at the wealthy areas of town? Do we really believe a twister would deliberately avoid the fine trailer parks just to our east? Or the low rent housing in our southern neighborhoods? Why must the beautiful people always suffer?

Such a thing has never happened in Houston. But if it did, it could become the deadliest natural disaster ever to strike Texas, perhaps even eclipsing the 8,000 dead from the Galveston Hurricane of 1900.

With a hurricane, people have advance warning, and the gridlock associated with Hurricane Rita aside, generally can get out of the way.

The warning time for tornadoes, is measured in minutes rather than hours or days. The average tornado moves at about 30 mph.

Because the odds of a killer tornado are relatively remote, Houston emergency planners are correct to focus their efforts on hurricanes rather than tornadoes, said Bill Read, meteorologist-in-chief at the Houston/Galveston office of the National Weather Service.

"It is challenging enough for those in emergency preparedness to get people to be concerned about floods and hurricanes -- both of which have a proven track record in our city for taking lives and destroying large amounts of property, without specifically going after a long-track F4 scenario," he said.

The tornado that hit New Orleans earlier this month has gotten everyone a mite squirrely. Yes, if an F4 tornado touched down in metro Houston and stayed on the ground for any length of time, it could be devastating. So could a nuclear airburst over downtown, a category 5 hurricane coming up the Ship Channel, or Martian canisters dropping onto the Galleria. Short of buying an NOAA radio (which you probably ought to have during hurricane season around here anyway), I don't know that we need to panic.

Or distract ourselves further from the Anna Nicole Smith hearings.

Bumper crop

I spend a lot of time on the road these days, so here's a related quiz. Of the following crappy bumper/rear windshield stickers I saw Monday, which is the most obnoxious and why?

1.

2.

3. The last entry was simply 8" high letters on the rear window of some guy's pick-up that spelled out "Panty Dropper," implying that the generic looking F-150 in question causes women to step out of their undergarments. I laughed so hard at the balding jagoff driving I thought he was going to follow me home and...I don't know...drop his panties or something.

Going down rodeo with a shotgun

The concert lineup for the Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo was announced earlier today. As we at APCB like to do every year, here's a not-at-all bitchy overview of the "musical" acts involved (via HandStamp):

Tuesday, Feb. 27 -- George Strait
Wednesday, Feb. 28 -- Los Lonely Boys
Thursday, March 1 -- Reba McEntire

Ah, the classics (well, except for Los Lonely Boys, who are apparently too big an act to be shackled by the confines of Go Tejano Day). This will mark George's 20th Rodeo appearance, tying him with Charlie Pride. This will be Reba's 17th.

N00b.

Friday, March 2 - Black Heritage Day with Natalie Cole and KEM

I was pretty excited when I saw this, though a little confused. I mean, only one of the Holograms was black (Shana). Then I read it again.

Saturday, March 3 -- Clay Walker
Sunday, March 4 -- The Cheetah Girls and Hannah Montana

I am at least marginally grateful She Who Shall Not Be Named is not old enough to demand attendance at this one. Though it might be gratifying to kick Hannah's dad in the nuts.

Monday, March 5 -- Josh Turner

All I know about Josh Turner is that "Josh Turner" spelled backwards is "Lon Nol."

Tuesday, March 6 -- Gretchen Wilson
Wednesday, March 7 -- Sheryl Crow

Tough choice, ladies. Which vaguely empowered female singer/songwriter do you want to check out after getting in the X-Terra with the girlfriends and having margaritas at Pappasitos? The one who traded singing heartfelt love songs for lightweight crap like "Soak Up the Sun?" Or the one who shows some talent, but is inextricably linked with the Ass Clowns of the Universe, AKA Big and Rich?

Call me when Neko Case is on the bill.

Thursday, March 8 -- Alan Jackson
Friday, March 9 -- Pat Green
Saturday, March 10 -- Martina McBride

Now we enter that part of the rodeo lineup I like to call Hell on Earth. I know Jackson gets credit for writing his own stuff and standing out from the hairdo country acts of today, but I still can't stand his music. Pat Green always seemed to me like he might someday throw off the shackles of frat boy expectations and...I don't know...turn out more like Robert Earl Keen than Richard Marx.

I was so naive then.

Sunday, March 11 -- Go Tejano Day with Pesado and Emilio

Given my eminent respect for any artist who only goes by their first name, I think I'll give this a pass. Like I was going anyway.

Monday, March 12 -- Spring Break Stampede with Sugarland
Tuesday, March 13 -- Spring Break Stampede with Toby Keith
Wednesday, March 14 - Spring Break Stampede with Rascal Flatts

Sweet zombie jesus, but this might break the record set for Most Consecutive Days of Excruciatingly Shitty Music (previously held by Woodstock '99). Sugarland is bland garbage, Rascal Flatts does a good Take That! impression, but they're about as country as O-Town, and Toby Keith...Toby Keith is a Ford truck man, which you're bound to remember when the marquee reminds you "FORD presents Tony Keith."

What an outlaw.

Thursday, March 15 - Spring Break Stampede -- Beyoncé
Friday, March 16 - Spring Break Stampede -- Dierks Bentley

Wow. Natalie Cole gets a Friday night slot, but Houston's own Beyonce has to play opposite Grey's Anatomy? That's cold.

Oh, and uh, Dierks Bentley sucks,

Saturday, March 17 - Brooks & Dunn
Sunday, March 18 - ZZ Top

Of course, you have your choice of whimper: the bubblegum country duo who outlived their usefulness ten years ago, or the semi-retired tres hombres, who at least have had the decency to fade in semi-obscurity with their dignity (mostly) intact.

"Well, I was sure you'd be on foot, because you always say public transportation is for losers."

I don't read the Houston Press, our local weekly, as much as I used to. I find the old excuses work the best: no time, not enough time, and even less time available to read it. There's also probably an element of professional jealousy, meaning: I'm jealous of those who write professionally. I suppose it helps that I generally like the quality of writing I see in their film reviews, Wilonsky and Weinkauf especially.

So it's always a nice surprise to come upon something like John Nova Lomax's chronicle of his sojourn down the length of Westheimer, on foot, with his friend Geoffrey "Uncle Tick" Muller. How daunting a task is this?

Not from the Loop to Midtown, nor from the Beltway either. By "all the way," I mean just that -- start from where the No. 53 "Westheimer Limited" Metro bus turns around at West Oaks Mall and Highway 6, and then pound the pavement of the entire 16-plus miles, eight zip codes and three U.S. congressional districts, all the way to where Westheimer gives way to Elgin in Midtown.

You might be asking yourself why someone would take on such a challenge. The day after the slog, awaking with blistered feet and sore to the bone, I was wondering the same thing myself. I doubted anyone else had done it, for starters. I also did it because I wanted the physical challenge. I have recently lost about 20 or 30 pounds, and while I'm still no Lance Armstrong -- I could probably stand to shed about 30 or 40 more pounds -- I felt my relatively svelte self needed a test. I just hoped my thighs wouldn't chafe, and thanks to Dr. Atkins, they didn't.

But above all else, I wanted to see if I would gain any insights into H-Town's soul. Westheimer, more than any other thoroughfare, embodies Houston's car-enamored, zoning-free ethos, a damn-near 20-mile phantasmagoria of strip malls, storage facilities, restaurants, big-box retail, office parks, apartment complexes, strip clubs, malls, supermarkets and the occasional church.

Indeed, one could live their entire life purely within the confines of this fabled road and never want for anything, from quality comic books to high-end golf supplies to the best lap dances southeast Texas has to offer.

I've taken a number of ill-advised urban treks of my own. My personal favorite was a late-night hike in February of 1988 from the University of Texas' Jester Dormitory down Congress to Ben White Blvd. and back, a roundtrip of just over six miles (the journey was precipitated by a really meaningful fight with my freshman girlfriend). I hit the road around midnight, and by the time I wandered back to my room (around 5 AM), the cops had stopped me - twice, I'd been offered a ride by a dude who was the spitting image of Redd Foxx, and an English guy tried to pick me up so many times I had to threaten him with physical violence to get him to leave me alone.[1]

In retrospect, the walking ensemble consisting of ripped jeans, a black leather jacket, and black cowboy boots probably screamed "Joe Buck." At least I wasn't wearing a cowboy hat.

But enough about me, how did Lomax's trip go?

So, had we found the soul of Houston? Yes, I would have to say that we did, such as it is. It's ugly, preposterous and inhuman, interspersed with all-too-rare pockets of serenity and beauty. It smells like roasting corn, raw sewage, fish sauce, frying hamburgers and exhaust. (Heavy on the exhaust.) There's sex and God at one end of it and plain old sex at the other. It's chic and tacky, humble and proud. It's Vietnamese, Mexican, Korean, black, white, Muslim and Christian, macho and effete, alive and dead, Red State and Blue. It sounds like the whooshing of cars, and if you close your eyes, you can delude yourself into believing they're waves lapping at a beach. It's the American dream, and it's a prison. And it's got the best sweet tea.

I hate sweet tea, but otherwise he's pretty much on the money.

[1] His swinging technique consisted of telling me he'd already slept with an American woman,and nailing an American man would make his trip complete. Or words to that effect. Hey, I'm sure I've used worse.

"Old Dan and I with throats burned dry
And souls that cry for water"

It didn't have a name, but last Monday's deluge (which dropped about eight inches of rain in our neighborhood) was a tropical system. In the words of Dr. Steve Lyons, it was the result of

a surge of tropical moisture on the verge of becoming a tropical depression (if it were not for shear) rushed north into east Texas and Louisiana as it interacted with an approaching upper-level trough and surface frontal boundary and slid east into Mississippi.

He could've added "and dropped an assload of H2O," but that wouldn't be very professional.

It would've been accurate though, as shown in these front yard photos of Casa Vonder Haar. The first shows the neighbor's driveway and the culvert that runs down our street.

Here's the culvert as it runs in front of our house. During Allison, water was up to those trees in the foreground, so most "rain events" like this don't freak me out like they probably would have if we hadn't experienced 18 inches of rain two weeks after moving into our house.

Finally, Chauncey the Lawn Gnome is not amused.

More rain tonight. Sorry Chauncey.

"Not the church! Jesus lives there!"

I'm a horrible person, because I don't check out the blogs in my blogroll every day like I should. Thanks to my shameful neglect, I missed this post from Off the Kuff yesterday:

City of Houston attorneys and lawyers for many of the city's adult businesses both expect a Dec. 4 trial over "distance requirements" for businesses like strip clubs and adult video stores.

In 1997, Houston City Council passed several revisions to city laws governing the adult industry. Several of those controversial issues have since been resolved. But the city law requiring sexually oriented businesses to be at least 1,500 feet away from a school, church, daycare, park or residential area has faced repeated court challenges and has never been enforced.

The U.S. Fifth Circuit Court of Appeals sent the issue back to the trial court for a final resolution.

Judge Nancy Atlas' decision could maintain the "status quo" in Houston, if she sides with strip club owners who have argued that the city's 1,500-foot rule is "unconstitutional." The judge could also force dozens of adult businesses in the city to close or change their trade if she sides with the city.

I haven't been to a strip club in, oh, days...but I'd be hard-pressed to think of anyplace in Houston that is more than 1,500 feet from a church. They're the only thing in this town more numerous than Starbucks.

Maybe they could put a Men's Club on top of Chase Tower.

Shut up, Flanders

Last night was National Night Out, that annual event in which we all pretend we like our neighbors for 90 minutes and share gossip about those assholes who let their dogs run up and down the street every morning.

I'd like to propose a change in the way the event is held in the future, however. NNO's head office is in Pennsylvania, which leads me to believe the idea itself originated somewhere in the Northern states, for only above the Mason-Dixon Line would one consider it a good idea to stand around outdoors on August 1st. Temperatures still hover in the mid-90s here at 5:30 PM, which has to cause some people to reconsider participating. Hell, the only reason I did was because I knew that otherwise my fellow residents would be mocking that inflatable pool I put in the front yard. Bastards.

What I envision is a sort of rolling series of National Nights Out. Maybe Minneapolis could have one on August 1, for example, Memphis on October 1, and Houston on November 15. At least that way we'd only have about a 50% chance of temps above 80.

Okay, 75%

Have a beer with Kinky

I used to have a "Kinky for Governor" graphic up on the blog. I admit, I initially liked the idea of an iconoclastic outsider shaking things up, and he appeared to annoy both sides of the spectrum equally, which is always amusing. The graphic came down, however, because I got tired of waiting for him to get serious. He's gotten a little better at outlining his positions on certain issues, but the whole campaign still feels like a gimmick.

Having said that, I still may head over to Hans' Bier Haus today (July 29) between 3:00 and 6:00, where - according to the official newsletter I received last week - the Kinkster will be in attendance, meeting his potential constituents.

Assuming She Who Shall Not Be Named can be torn away from her kitchenette, that is.

I think this town could use another Starbucks

Or at least another chain bookstore:

Three Houston landmarks, including the Landmark River Oaks Theatre and the Bookstop in the former Alabama Theater, have been declared endangered by the Greater Houston Preservation Alliance.

The alliance has learned, spokesman David Bush said Friday, that two buildings in the River Oaks Shopping Center could face demolition within two years.

The center is controlled by Weingarten Realty Investors, a Houston-based company that owns and manages about 300 retail properties in the southern United States.

A Weingarten spokeswoman would not confirm the company's plans for the shopping center.
[...]
The GHPA has repeatedly tried to discuss the buildings with Weingarten Realty but has been rebuffed, Bush said.

But a half-dozen tenants of the River Oaks Shopping Center told the Houston Chronicle that a Weingarten's leasing agent informed them of plans to raze parts of the historic shopping center.

The first domino to fall, they said, would be the River Oaks Shopping Center building at the northeast corner of Shepherd and West Gray. Erected in 1937, the curved art deco building is "of national significance," architecture historian Stephen Fox said.

Three Brothers Bakery co-owner Robert Jucker said that when he confronted the leasing agent about rumors the building was to be demolished, she confirmed them, and told him that it would remain standing through the end of this year. "But she wouldn't give me that in writing," he said.

The bakery, located for 17 years in the strip between the Black-Eyed Pea restaurant and Jos. A. Bank clothing store, is on a month-to-month lease, Jucker said.

A number of River Oaks Shopping Center tenants � including owners of Archway Gallery, Chase's Closet and Laff Stop � said that a Weingarten's leasing agent told them the Black-Eyed Pea building would be replaced with a multistory Barnes & Noble.
[...]
Opened in 1939, the River Oaks is Houston's oldest functioning movie theater.

I saw Bubba Ho-Tep at the Landmark River Oaks and got to meet Bruce Campbell that night as well. The Thing That Walks Like A Man and I sat with Joe R. Lansdale and his famlily, marveling in their unmistakeably East Texas grooviness.

That fascinating tidbit aside, when you can go to any of our dozen or so megaplexes and see Little Man on six screens (and have it sell out five of those), preserving one of the few theaters devoted to independent films would seem like a no-brainer. Especially one on which, as far as my experience goes, audiences tend to shut the fuck up and turn off their cell phones. When a city of over four million can barely support three theaters of this kind, however, all bets are off. And with the exception of special screenings like the aforementioned, the LRO doesn't sell out that much.

The Laff Stop is another story entirely. It used to be the only game in town, but then the Improv showed up. Now, big acts go to the Improv, and really big acts play the Verizon Ampitheater.

But don't believe me, check out the coming attractions for the Laff Stop:

Tom Wilson (Biff from Back to the Future) - July 26-29
Bert Kriescher (Fresh Baked Video Games) - August 2-5
Robert Wuhl (Arliss) - August 10-12
Josh Blue (the hippie nutbag from Last Comic Standing) - August 16-19
Robert Kelly (one of the guys on Tourgasm who isn't Dane Cook) - August 30-Sept. 2
Godfrey (the 7Up guy) - Sept. 20-23

And it goes on like this.

The Improv's strength of schedule isn't that much more impressive, but they do have guys like Dave Attell, Pablo Francisco, and Jim Norton coming up (guys who used to play the Laff Stop, it should be noted). And both clubs are suffering from big names like Lewis Black and Dave Chappelle moving on to even larger venues.

In addition to the two segments of the River Oaks center, the preservation alliance placed the art deco Alabama Shepherd Shopping Center on its endangered list because of fears that Barnes & Noble would close the Bookstop if it built in River Oaks. Weingarten also controls The Alabama Center.

Responding to questions via e-mail, Barnes & Noble Inc. spokeswoman Carol Brown wrote that the company had "made no announcement of plans to build in the River Oaks Shopping Center." Brown wouldn't say whether such plans existed.

She also said the chain had no "immediate" plans to move from the Bookstop location.

In 1989, Bookstop won national attention for its creative preservation of the Alabama movie theater, built in 1939. Nine years later, Barnes & Noble bought the Bookstop chain.

Ironically, B&N probably duffed that hand-off when they allowed the Bookstop to keep its old name. In a city with two Starbucks less than 150 feet from each other and Pappasitos as the most popular Mexican restaurant chain, they should've realized that masquerading as an independent bookstore wasn't going to cut it. Now, we stand to lose the best travel book and magazine section in town for the 30 tomes on London and the 20 copies of Maxim and Us Weekly available in your average Barnes & Noble.

I like the aesthetics of the Alabama shopping center as well as anyone, but Cactus lost money and Whole Foods moved on to greener pastures. The Bookstop can't anchor that site in its present incarnation, which is too bad. It was also too bad the Ale House couldn't hold its own against a goddamn Border's Bookstore parking lot, but that's Houston.

Don't worry though; I'm sure the Cingular Wireless store and Curves franchise will be just as pleasantly quirky in their new building.

Well blow me down

The 2006 hurricane season kicks off today. We Gulf Coast denizens are especially skittish this year, for reasons that are obvious and don't require further elaboration. Nobody likes to think about having to hit the evacuation routes again, yet we'll all find ourselves watching the tropical updates for the next six months with a sick mixture of revulsion and anticipation, just the same.

This is also the time of year I trot out my "hurricane porn" entry. Not because I'm especially proud of it (though it is near the top of my rankings for most searched for posts), but because even in the wake of Katrina I feel it's pretty accurate. Moreso, actually.

I'm also not one to deny myself a cheap spike in traffic.

-----
Tropical storms and hurricanes are a big deal in the paved swamp I call home, i.e. Houston, TX. If you don't believe me, check out some of these images from when tropical storm Allison breezed through our humble town a couple years ago. It demonstrated both the awesome destructive power of nature and the necessity of having a cooler for the beer you were planning on drinking during the basketball game until the electricity went out.

Our family was lucky, in that neither our home nor our cars flooded. And once the power finally came back on, we discovered that all local programming (we didn't have cable) was fixed on the admittedly impressive images of the aftermath of the storm...for roughly the next three months.

This kind of coverage was understandable with regard to a titanic bastard of a storm like Allison, but it was only the latest in the local networks' long-standing pattern of milking every possible bit of fear and suspense out of viewers at the approach of tropical weather systems. It hardly seems to matter that computer models are roughly as accurate as a Ouija board while a storm is more than 48 hours out, or that storms like Allison are rare beasts indeed, for these days our doughty weatherpersons breathlessly report every developing tropical depression as if the End Times were upon us. Coverage increases in intensity until the tension is almost to much to take.

I call it "hurricane porn."

First, there's the foreplay, which (unlike in actual pornography) can take several days. It starts with Doppler radar and satellite images that grow progressively larger and, dare I say it, more tumescent as the system approaches the coast. Cloud cover grows and the winds pick up, and most TV stations will have reporters positioned along the coast in areas projected to be in the storm's path. These hardy souls eye the camera with come hither looks of dire urgency (I wish I could find screen captures of local ABC reporter Jessica Willey standing on a pier in Galveston during Claudette's rainy approach wearing a soaked-through white blouse - more than ratings were rising that evening, let me tell you). The anticipation continues to build in this fashion until landfall, which is where you get...

Hot hurricane action: water crashes furiously over the sea wall, palm trees whip back and forth in an orgiastic frenzy and street signs waggle suggestively in the wind. Meanwhile, the rhythmically swaying area street lights almost seem to keep the beat for the omnipresent frenzy. This is the period where one sees the most pervasive coverage. TV stations will often interrupt regular programming in order to cut to live shots of their other reporters, who can be found "braving" the storm by standing right in the middle of the heaviest wind and rains. Speaking only for myself, I'd have a lot more respect for a newsperson who did their report from a bar, sipping a beer and leading off with, "You know, you'd have to be a real idiot to be outside on a night like this..." Maybe someday.

Fortunately, the actual hurricane footage can only last so long, as most systems weaken rapidly once they make landfall. This is why television stations are so desperate for that money shot. You'll know it when you see it: a roof flying off a department store and disintegrating, or one of those aforementioned reporters getting blown into a ditch. If the networks are really lucky, they'll get film of a fireman rescuing a baby from a rooftop, or a woman pulled from her car just before it's covered by rising floodwaters. After something like that, you can't help but feel spent.

Once the storm has blown inland, you can finally bask in the afterglow: blue sky shots of boats beached thirty feet above the tide line, hapless shmoes sweeping water out of their bedrooms, and the weatherman telling us it "could've been worse." That's when you light a cigarette and compare property damage with your neighbors.

I'm waiting for the NOAA to extend hurricane season by a month and a half so it can include May and November sweeps.

Hyperbolic local news broadcasts are nothing new. We Houstonians are regularly treated to investigative reports about strip clubs and hard hitting stories about local contestants on "American Idol" and the like. The problem with hurricane porn is the same as with the boy who cried wolf, then the wolf raised him as one of her own and the boy went on to found Los Lobos...or something: it's hard to pay much attention to the stormcrows when the storms keep veering off into Louisiana or Brownsville. Eventually, another monster hurricane is going to hit Houston, and we're all going to be screwed because we're waiting for Jessica Willey's bikini-cam report.
-----

Post-Rita, I wouldn't be surprised if a number of those who camped out on I-45 for 25 hours might not be a little more inclined to gut it out next time around. We'll probably find out soon enough.

Enter the Muntz

"Ha ha."

A federal jury convicted former Enron chiefs Ken Lay on all counts and Jeff Skilling on most counts today, marking the climax of one of the most notorious corporate scandals in U.S. history and nearly ensuring prison time for two of Houston's best-known executives.

The jury heard 16 weeks of testimony and arguments and made its announcement early on its sixth day of deliberations. The eight-woman, four-man panel found Lay guilty of all six counts. They convicted Skilling on 19 of the 28 counts against him.

U.S. District Judge Sim Lake set a sentencing date of Sept. 11. The two men remain free on bond.

I'm late to the party here, but I must admit to being pleasantly surprised that the jury actually brought in guilty verdicts. There are tons of people in this town who know people affected by Enron's implosion, many of whom are still living with the consequences of Kenny Boy and Company's malfeasance. In the words of one of them I spoke with today, "I hope they find the darkest cell there is and they throw away the key."

Skilling was still - predictably - in denial:

When asked whether he could admit that he had broken the law, Skilling replied, "No. I didn't."

"We fought the good fight," Skilling said. "Some things work; some things don't."

Apparently coming across like a pompous ass in your testimony is one that goes in the "things that don't" column.

Lay tried a different approach:

Shortly before 3 p.m., Lay also made a brief statement to the media outside the courthouse: "Despite what happened today, I'm still a very blessed man. At my left is this beautiful lady that's my wife. I have a very warm, loving family. And, most of all I believe God, in fact, is in control and that, indeed God works all things good for all who love the lord. We love our lord, all this will work for good."

Must be another one of those "mysterious ways" things, eh? Or as The Wife put it, "Where's your messiah now?"

To quote Dennis Miller when he used to be mildly humorous (c. 1993):

"Manuel Noriega wants us to belive he's a changed man, says he found Jesus in a Dade County jail cell. I've got news for you, Manny: every other guy in that place are named Jesus."

The convictions won't change the fact that lives were ruined while these scumbags purchased their ivory backscratchers, but it's a small victory for the good guys.

Tepid for teacher

What, no Fark thread for this guy?

A former Cy-Fair ISD coach groped a high school freshman on several occasions during the current school year � including at least once while on campus � and made sexual overtures to other students, Harris County Sheriff's deputies said today.

James Walter Goode, 38, was charged with three counts of indecency with a child. He was later transferred to the Harris County Jail with a combined bail set at $75,000.

The victim, a 15-year-old 9th grader, said Goode began fondling her last fall, soon after she became a student trainer in the athletic department at Jersey Village High School, 7600 Solomon.

Curious how whenever it's a male teacher messing around with a female student, no women come forward grunting like orangutans and wondering, "Where was this guy when I was in high school?" Man, I never get tired of that one.

Goode also is accused of taking a second girl, 16, from the school cafeteria to a secluded hallway Feb. 26, and later asking to touch her breasts. The complaint said the girl refused and was ordered not to tell anybody what happened.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, if you honestly think there's nothing wrong with a 30-something female teacher having sex with a teenaged boy, then you should also have no problem with a male football coach doing the same.

And don't forget to high five your son and congratulate him on being such a stud.

I know there are some present and former teachers who peruse APCB. I'm curious to hear their thoughts on this kind of thing.

"I'm the head Frog here."

I kicked shooed my first frog of the year off the porch last night, which means...that's right, I get to recycle one of my old posts again.

-----

Spring and summer are frog season in these parts, and while not exactly on the same decibel level as cicadas, the little bastards can be loud. When we moved into out first non-apartment housing several years ago, I began hunting around for solutions to the racket that sprang up outside our bedroom window every night.

The following conversation - between myself and a Houston Garden Center employee - actually took place and is, to the best of my memory, accurate:

PVH: What did you say these things are called again?
HGCE: Rio Grande chirping frogs. They're a Houston-specific variant.
PVH: Gotcha.
HGCE: What were you looking for, exactly?
PVH: I just want something to make them avoid the area right under my bedroom window, if you've got anything like that.
HGCE: Uh huh.
PVH: I don't want to kill them, necessarily, but something that..I don't know...drives them into the neighbor's yard would be fine.
HGCE: Have you tried rotenone?
PVH: No, what's that?
HGCE: Well, adding it to any standing water will essentially make the water unlivable, which will drive the frogs out.
PVH: I see.
HGCE: Did you ever see the movie Creature from the Black Lagoon?
PVH: [blinking] Uh yes, actually.
HGCE: Well, they used rotenone to capture the Creature.
PVH: ...
HGCE: And he was an amphibian.
PVH: I'll take it.

It worked, too. Who would've suspected that all the answers to modern man's pest control problems could be found in 1950's horror movies?

If only there was something to help me with my mantis infestation...

The Bush Library has its first volume

I don't really have much to say about Houston pastor Joel Osteen's reported $13
million book deal, except that I enjoyed this particular excerpt:

Two other people briefed on Osteen's deal - who also spoke on condition of anonymity because their companies do not allow the disclosure of financial arrangements - said his wife, Victoria, who appears with him at the "inspirational nights of encouragement and worship" that he conducts at arenas across the country, was also planning to publish a book, possibly with Simon & Schuster's children's division.

I can see it now: Davey and Goliath Get Thrown from Flight 1602 to
Denver and Wreak Holy Vengeance Upon Continental Airlines.

Another crisis averted

Get those "1836" jerseys up on eBay, stat:

The franchise officially gave its 1836 name the boot. It will build its brand around the name Dynamo, instead.

That�s right. Not Dynamos, as in the short-lived USL semi-professional team that roamed the pitch at Butler Stadium briefly in 1984. It�s Dynamo, as in full of energy, a tribute to the city�s ties to the oil, gas and other energy industries.

�Dynamo is a word to describe someone who never fatigues, never gives up,� franchise president Oliver Luck said. �The new name is symbolic of Houston as an energetic, hard-working, risk-taking kind of town.�
[...]
The nixing of 1836 was expected after the name was deemed offensive by some in the Hispanic community shortly after its unveiling Jan. 25.

Which is all well and good for the Hispanic community, but what about the thousands terrorized by this guy?

Back to the drawing board, fellas.

Every thorn has its prick

This is a shitty way to start your weekend:

Cactus Music & Video, one of Houston's best-loved and best-stocked independent music retailers, will close on March 31.

General manager Quinn Bishop announced the closing in a letter today.

Several reasons for the closing were cited. On the business side, Bishop's letter mentioned industry-wide problems that have plagued the music business: high list prices and sluggish CD sales due to downloading, file-sharing and burning; and competition from larger retailers like Best Buy, which can afford to sell CDs as a loss-leader. Cactus' video-rental service also experienced lagging business as well.

Cactus' prices were always on the high end, but it was worth it to be able to walk into a store and take your pick of Man or Astro-Man? discs without having to wait for the mail, or to leisurely peruse the full catalogue of Something Weird films.

But besides that, none of the major CD outlets are likely to stock the wide range of independent Texas music Cactus did. Billy Joe Shaver? Todd Snider? Big Boys? That old Skunkweed 7"? Cactus had it. Good luck finding "Corporate Deathburger" at Wal-Mart.

Cactus was always a nutritious part of any lazy Saturday shopping in Houston, along with Bedrock Comics and Murder by the Book. Of course, we also used to hit the Ale House for a beer afterwards. Haven't been able to do that in a while. And the in-store appearances (with free St. Arnold's draft) were always a relaxing way to spend a late Friday afternoon.

I'm really looking forward to not being able to tell Montrose from the Woodlands Parkway in a few years. Might as well move to fucking Conroe and be done with it.

Wasn't that the title of a Janet Jackson album?

Jeez, I leave town for a week and we get the earth-shattering revelation of the name of Houston's MLS team. And it appears that every one of my suggestions was ignored. Figures.

The city's Major League Soccer team will be known as Houston 1836. The team colors will be white, orange and black.

The name's main reference is the year Houston was founded by John and Augustus Allen on the banks of Buffalo Bayou. It also marks the year Texas declared its independence from Mexico, the Battle of the Alamo and the defeat of General Antonio Lopez de Santa Anna's Mexican army at the hands of General Sam Houston in the Battle of San Jacinto during the Texas Revolution.

Uh oh. That's going to cause some problems...

By naming the team Houston 1836, the newly arrived Major League Soccer franchise has chosen to identify with a year that may divide the city rather than unite it. While the team intends to highlight Houston's founding along the banks of Buffalo Bayou, the year also commemorates the defeat of the Mexican Army by a largely Anglo Texan militia at the Battle of San Jacinto. Whether by ignorance or design, choosing 1836 has the potential to alienate Houstonians of Mexican origin, a group that is surely a large part of the team's fan base.

I understand Prof. Ramos' concern, really, but the fact that the year of Houston's founding coincides with Santa Ana's embarrassing ass kicking on the banks of the San Jacinto is merely an unfortunate coincidence.

Team officials state that 1836 was primarily chosen to represent the city's founding. A team name doesn't have the luxury of explaining itself. The link to Texas secession from Mexico during the Texas Revolution is inescapable

Uh, I hate to be the one to break this to you, but that's kind of one of the defining moments of the state's history. Certainly the majority of us would prefer to forget about introducing slavery and invading Mexico in 1846, as Ramos mentions in his article, but to try and shame people in Texas over declaring themselves a Republic after defeating one of the worst generals in history isn't going to amount to much.

Houston has undergone many transformations and reinventions since 1836. Digging the Ship Channel, the Galveston hurricane of 1900, discovering oil and sending a man to the moon all took place since then and all changed the face of the city. Naming the team 1836 smacks of nostalgia for a time when Mexican people were absent or at least knew their place.

Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explaind by stupidity, Prof. Ramos. The date of the city's founding was the easiest choice they could make. Of course, he's demonstrating his own insensitivities with his alternatives here. How many people were displaced by the digging of the Ship Channel? And why the hell would we name a team after the biggest natural disaster in our history? Why not just call them 2001? Allison was a pretty big deal, too.

Apparently 1900 isn't as insensitive because the people who died then were primarily Anglos.

Shit, why don't we just name the team after the year air conditioning was introduced? I think that's something we can all agree was a Good Thing.

The team has started its relationship with the Latino community off on the wrong foot. Short of changing the name, the team needs to make extra efforts to appear open to Latino Houstonians.

Only then, and by removing Sam Houston from the logo, will the team come to symbolize the promise of a global capital.

Here's how they're going to "appear open to Latino Houstonians:" they're going to take your money just like they take everyone else's. That's really the best indication that the Latino community has acheived a kind of parity here in Houston. Mexican-American Houstonians are going to pay exorbitant ticket prices and $7 for a beer at the concession stand, just like their Anglo brethren. Welcome to the Promised Land.

Seeking copy editor

This pic on the Houston Chronicle site has since been corrected (it originally ran on Friday), but the fact that it made it there at all is pretty hilarious:

Who knew Mary Kay Letourneau had an oratory contest?

That gosh-darned rodeo

As the Chronicle puts it, "The 2006 RodeoHouston lineup looks a lot like the top of the country music charts." If you consider that a good thing, you have my deepest sympathies:

It also bears a passing resemblance to last year's list of rodeo performers. The two notable exceptions are Sheryl Crow and former Creedence Clearwater Revival frontman John Fogerty, both of whom will make their first rodeo appearances.

Of the 24 music and comedy artists announced Monday as part of this year's RodeoHouston, Feb. 28-March 19, a third are returnees from last year's schedule.

The other two-thirds, unfortunately, seem to include just about all the acts that might appeal to anyone who doesn't consider putting "a boot in your ass" sensible foreign policy:

Last year's post on the rodeo lineup was, in my mind, the definitive examination of rodeo concert history, so I'll make this quick:

Feb. 28 -- George Strait

This will make 19 appearances for George, who's still working community service for Pure Country.

March 1 -- Trisha Yearwood

That marriage to Chris Gaines Garth Brooks is making a lot more sense now, considering it's been 12 years since her last rodeo gig.

March 2 -- Sheryl Crow

People blame her for breaking up Lance Armstrong's marriage. I don't. I blame her for taking the obvious songwriting talent behind "Strong Enough" and "Leaving Las Vegas" and making treacly crap like "Soak Up the Sun."

I'd offer my wishes that Lance could give her music more balls, but he doesn't have a lot to spare.

March 3 -- Black Heritage Day -- Maze featuring Frankie Beverly and Raven

Raven? As in Cosby Show and That's so Raven Raven? That's the best you could come up with for Black Heritage Day? Last year's half-Puerto Rican Alicia Keys seemed a little more qualified.

March 4 -- Martina McBride
March 5 -- Clay Walker

As was the case last year, I know nothing about Martina McBride. Clay Walker gets a few points for at least living sort of near Houston.

March 6 -- Robert Earl Keen and Cross Canadian Ragweed
March 7 -- John Fogerty

I'm not one to order my readers around, but if you're going to check out any live acts at the Rodeo this year, these are the two days to do it. Wait too long, and...

March 8 -- Toby Keith

Seeing as how Mr. Personality here was sitting on the OU sideline during the Red River Shootout, I hope 10,000 of my Longhorn brethren show up in burnt orange on the 8th and pelt this bloated, reactionary gasbag with jalapenos. After which, he can clamber into his Ford truck and speed away to his hotel room, where a nonstop parade of Latino rent boys "massage" away his tension.

March 9 -- Maroon 5

I bet these guys showed up last year on a lark, figuring they'd add the Rodeo as a bit of a break from their constant touring schedule that placed them in front of thouands of screaming teenage girls every night.

And I bet these has-beens are glad they were asked back this year.

March 10 -- Pat Green

Did anybody ever believe your pseudo-self-deprecating good ole boy shit?

March 11 -- Lee Ann Womack
March 12 -- Go Tejano Day -- Ramon Ayala and Jay Perez
March 13 -- -- Spring Break Stampede -- LeAnn Rimes
March 14 -- -- Spring Break Stampede -- Larry the Cable Guy and Cory Morrow

Sweet cheroot of Beirut, this is the show to attend this year. If you've got tickets, I want in. I want to "Haw haw" along with Larry's brilliant routines about edible underwear and those wily homosexuals. I want to bellow "Git-R-Done!" along with a hundred score flabby racists in sleeveless flannel and trucker caps. I want to be the first guy on my block to vomit from accidentally downing half a can of Skoal Long Cut (wintergreen).

March 15 -- -- Spring Break Stampede -- Alan Jackson
March 16 -- -- Spring Break Stampede -- Hilary Duff

See March 9.

March 17 -- -- Spring Break Stampede -- Lonestar
March 18 -- -- Spring Break Stampede -- Brooks & Dunn

At least they ended the Rodeo on a high n..oh, never mind.

Just FYI

HPD Officer Seong Kim was reinstated to the force after being fired for allegedly intimidating customers with his Taser at a Wal-Mart where he worked security. The department is also awarding him full back pay.

This information comes to me courtesy of his brother. As I've been friends with both men for over ten years, I thought y'all might like to know, since it doesn't look like either KHOU or KTRK, two of the fine local news stations who so happily reported the firing in the first place, appear inclined to issue a follow-up story.

"I am looking forward to an orderly election tomorrow, which will eliminate the need for a violent blood bath."

When The Wife got back from voting in Saturday's runoff election around 9 AM, she informed me she was the whopping 8th person to vote at our polling station. I knew runoff elections weren't marked by high attendance, but I figured that numbers would pick up as the day went on.

While running errands that afternoon, I stopped by to vote around 1 PM. After signing in, I asked what number I was. The two workers briefly consulted their lists and the guy in front of me answered, "22."

You get the government you don't vote for, I guess. At least one of the candidates I was supporting won.

It ain't L.A. vs. New York, but it's a start

Enjoying your stay, Katrina refugees?

Several Westbury High School students were arrested this afternoon after a brawl involving Hurricane Katrina evacuees, according to Houston Independent School District officials.

"There was a fight that broke out in the cafeteria between some girls and it spread outside," said HISD spokewsoman Adriana Villarreal. "The only injury we know of so far is one child that had a minor laceration under their eye."

Westbury, located in southwest Houston, has nearly 2,500 students, including 300 from Louisiana.

Villarreal said she did not yet know how many students were arrested or what they were fighting about.

I have no special insight into the motives behind this fracas, but I'm pretty sure you can narrow it down to one of