A Perfectly Cromulent Blog

"Look at the size of that thing!"

[cross-posted for purposes of laziness expediency]

Anyone who's read my stuff for more than a couple months knows that the Star Wars franchise played an important part in my growing up. I have an entire Category devoted to it on both APCB and Blog 9, and I wrote The Star Wars Report on Film Threat in the weeks leading up to Revenge of the Sith, after all. The original trilogy framed my formative years, having seen the original when I was an impressionable eight years old and Return of the Jedi the day after 8th grade ended, marking the beginning of the end of my youthful idealism and my initial descent into cynicism and unpleasant reality.

A descent that the annoyingly Muppet-friendly Jedi helped instigate, now that I think about it.

I didn't see Star Wars opening day (and no, I refuse to call it A New Hope). Honestly, I think I was only dimly aware of it at the time. I remember seeing the preview on TV at some point and being intrigued by the fact that Bigfoot was flying a spaceship, but that was about it. My mother, however, knew something was up. She got me out of school early for a weekday matinée shortly after the movie opened (I don't know if Salt Lake City had one of the initial 30 theaters where it was released). We were two of maybe a dozen people in that theater in downtown Salt Lake City, and when we walked out into the street there was a line stretching for a quarter-mile.

I saw the original movie upwards of 20 times during its first run. I must have drawn a thousand pictures of TIE fighters and R2-D2 on manila paper in those first couple years. I bought Alan Dean Foster's Splinter of the Mind's Eye with money I stole from the change jar we used for bus fare (see how I repay your generosity, Mom?), and the novel's straight-up space fantasy goofiness is offset by the burgeoning romance between Luke and Leia that hindsight tells us is really freaking creepy. Like every other kid, I had the action figures, ships, playsets, and collectible cards. If George Lucas has anything to answer for (aside from Jar Jar, Hayden Christensen, or Greedo shooting first), it's how he single-handedly turned every sci-fi/fantasy release into a flood of product tie-ins.

The anniversary is being marked all over the internets. CNN has a retrospective, as do the BBC and a zillion other places. The 4th official Star Wars Celebration is going on this weekend in Los Angeles (And I just found out that Patrick Read Johnson's 5-25-77 is getting a sneak preview there as well), and Cinemax is airing all six movies in a row starting tomorrow.

For unofficial commemorating, you can always check out The Turkish Star Wars, Hardware Wars, or the legendary Star Wars Holiday Special. There's also this list of lines from the movie improved with the word "underpants" (my favorite: "You are unwise to lower your underpants").

Granted, the franchise took a decidedly unpleasant turn post-Empire Strikes Back, the last Star Wars movie I enjoyed without serious reservations, but the first two movies, and especially the original, will always be special to me. Star Wars kindled a lifelong love of movies, and - along with Robert E. Howard's Conan and Solomon Kane series, Doctor Who, and Star Trek - revved up my imagination for fantasy and science fiction. Lucas can be blamed for doing just about everything after 1980 wrong with his franchise, but I give him credit for that much.

But Jar Jar can choke to death on his own tongue.

"What the hell is an 'Aluminum Falcon?'"

I find Robot Chicken to be pretty hit or miss. When Seth Green and company get it right, however, they can be absolutely hilarious. As in this bit, which imagines what the post A New Hope phone call from Darth Vader to Palpatine might've looked like:

"Oh geez, he's crying!"

Courtesy of Fuzzball.

"I've been looking forward to this for a long time."

"Yes, I'll bet you have."

Lucasfilm has announced that this September fans can look forward to the long-awaited DVD release of the original theatrical incarnations of the classic "Star Wars" trilogy!

In response to overwhelming demand, Lucasfilm Ltd. and Twentieth Century Fox Home Entertainment will release attractively priced individual two-disc releases of "Star Wars," "The Empire Strikes Back" and "Return of the Jedi." Each release includes the 2004 digitally remastered version of the movie, as well as the original theatrical edition of the film. That means you'll be able to enjoy "Star Wars" as it first appeared in 1977, "Empire" in 1980, and "Jedi" in 1983.

See the title crawl to "Star Wars" before it was known as "Episode IV"; see the pioneering, if dated, motion control model work on the attack on the Death Star; groove to Lapti Nek or the Ewok Celebration song like you did when you were a kid; and yes, see Han Solo shoot first.

Huh. Releasing the original, non-special edition OT on DVD. Now why didn't I think of that?

"Over the years, a truly countless number of fans have told us that they would love to see and own the original version that they remember experiencing in theaters," said Jim Ward, President of LucasArts and Senior Vice President of Lucasfilm Ltd. "We returned to the Lucasfilm Archives to search exhaustively for source material that could be presented on DVD. This is something that we're very excited to be able to give to fans in response to their continuing enthusiasm for Star Wars. Topping it off with a new interactive adventure makes September 12 a red-letter day for Star Wars fans."

Blow it out your exhaust port, Jim. I'm not sure what happened to make Lucas change his mind (he probably bet on the Seahawks), and that assumes this was never his intention in the first place, but I can guaran-goddamn-tee you Star Wars fans have been special featured out the ying-yang. Screw your interactive adventures, your making-of documentaries, your poorly CG’ed Jabbas, and your digitally enhanced lightsabers and give me the movies the way they were when they were released. You know, the versions that made Lucas richer than Croesus and allowed him to ignore the fans in the first place.

Still no chance of a Holiday Special DVD release, I take it?

Threat level raised to Gungan yellow

The Wife alerts me to the news that a known terrorist, responsible for the deaths of thousands of government employees in not one but two treacherous attacks, is about to be allowed to enter our country.

Chewbacca to become an American

It speaks to the ineffectiveness of Administrations past and present that the sizable bounty placed on this dangerous insurgent (after his cowardly efforts to sabotage two Homeland Security installations) hasn't led to his capture. Worse, he's poised to cross our borders unmolested and continue spreading hairy chaos on new, unsuspecting targets.

An outrage, says I. You don't mess around with Imperial pride, and these colors (black and...black) don't run. Bring the Wookiees on, and we'll get both him and his traitorous Corellian partner. Dead or alive.

5-25-1977...we will never forget.

You should see his "hairball"

Han: Let him have it. It's not wise to upset a Wookiee.
C-3PO: But sir, nobody worries about upsetting a [Toronto Blue Jay].
Han: That's 'cause [Toronto Blue Jays] don't [throw a 140 mph fastball at your head] when they lose. Wookiees have been known to do that.

C-3PO: I see your point, sir. I suggest a new strategy, R2: let the Wookiee win.

"Listen to the bargan holler
Listen to the bantha fodder
Listen to the auctioneer"

But where is Princess Leia's anti-jiggle tape?

The legendary lightsabers brandished by Star Wars characters Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader are up for auction alongside a bevy of memorabilia from the sci-fi saga. The iconic weapons, which go under the hammer on July 29, have been valued at a staggering $140,000 by Los Angeles auction house Profiles in History. Other items soon to be at the center of a bidding frenzy include Skywalker's orange X-Wing pilot jumpsuit, which is valued at $80,000, Yoda's mask, and a Stormtrooper "blaster" weapon. The lightsaber used by Darth Vader in The Empire Strikes Back is likely to fetch $60,000, while the Jedi Knight's weapon is estimated to reach $80,000 in the auction.

No word on whether there will be a subsequent auction for the last remaining shreds of the average Star Wars fan's dignity or self respect, which are rumored to be so rare that they are beyond price.

Thought of this, I had not

Leave it to my dad to get to the heart of the matter:

I think the reason Anakin went over to the dark side was so nobody would call him "Annie" anymore. The "Boy Named Sue" syndrome: get tough or die.

Couldn't he have just changed his name? Like Marion Morrison?

And...I'm spent

Revenge of the Sith review is up. I went back and forth between 3 1/2 and 4 stars, and finally settled on the latter. Mostly because I couldn't justify saying Assault on Precinct 13 was quite as good.

I also kept coming back to the fact that it's one of the few movies in the last couple years, Star Wars or otherwise, that I immediately wanted to watch again.

When nerds collide

You've been a bad, bad dog:

The family pet can now be one of your favorite Star Wars characters! The Slave Leia pet costume includes headpiece and jumpsuit with attached arms. Pet costumes recommended for dogs only.

Cats get the last laugh once again.

Costumes and accessories are not refundable and can only be returned for an exchange.

I think "Star Wars Pet Costume Return Clerk" just supplanted "Courtney Love's Bikini Waxer" on my list of least desirable jobs.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go towel off my extremities.

Via MetaFilter.

Who's up for Chinese?

I'm probably going on a self-imposed Star Wars moratorium some time this week - once my Episode III review comes out - which I'm sure will cause much consternation (the moratorium, that is, not the review itself)

Until then, a couple things...

First, the final Star Wars Report is up at Film Threat. It probably won't get as much attention as Jeremy Matthews' coverage of the Revenge of the Sith premiere at Cannes, but that's fine with me.

But it does beg the question: how the hell did Jeremy get to go to Cannes?

Also, fellow FT-er and Slobberbone fan Don Lewis brings the following item to my attention:

The Grauman's Chinese Theater in Hollywood is the "Star Wars Mecca". Star Wars premiered in 1977 at the Chinese theater. This is where it all started. It's for this reason that the last two prequel movies have premiered there. It's for this reason that twice before people have camped out more than a month before Episode I: The Phantom Menace and Episode II: Attack of the Clones opened, there were already people camping out in front of this theater!

Those people are back again for a third time. LININGUP.NET, the group responsible for this ritual, has a more active line going than ever before for Episode III: Revenge of the Sith. They have raised almost $30,000 for charity this time around, more than double the amount raised for Clones. There's a problem this time around, though.

They are not showing Episode III at the Chinese theater. At all.

Fox and Paramount have instead decided to play the movie for the public opening night at the Arclight Cinerama Dome... a non-digital, non-historic, and non-Star Wars theater.

The fact that the Chinese wasn't showing Revenge has been known for over a month, yet these people have still held on to the hope that Lucas, a man with his elbow firmly planted on the pulse of fan opinion, would relent and move the premiere back to the Chinese. No such luck, and several thousand holdouts continue to maintain their increasingly futile vigil outside the theater. A vigil which has quickly taken on the appearance of a public martyrdom:

The LININGUP.NET group has been publically preparing to line up in front of the Chinese for a year, and for many of the fans of the Chinese and Star Wars, it's been a much longer time in waiting than that. We have people from all over the world joining our line to be with us at this theater. We have people who've been Star Wars fans since they saw the movie here in 1977... and they want to see the saga end here.

However, now that Fox and Lucasfilm haveconfirmed to us of their decision to not screen Episode III at the best theater in Los Angeles, a theater that three years prior underwent an overhaul specifically to screen Episode II in all its digital glory, a theater that we've been waiting at for over a month, the entire group is left feeling betrayed and emotionally drained.

While I'm not insensitive to the people who traveled long distances to take part in this, I gotta ask these people: when the hell has George Lucas ever acted like he gave a rat's ass about you guys? This is the same man who - just last week - made comments equating the prequels' poor critical reception with the fact that fans of the Original Trilogy are now in control of the media. Your concerns about the "history" of Star Wars at the Chinese mean as much to Lucas as maintaining internal plot consistency in his own films does.

The fact that some of these guys are planning on staying in line as a protest on opening night[1] is probably the best evidence I can find that the end of the Star Wars saga is a good thing. Imagine how out of hand this shit would get if we had three more movies to go.

[1] In other words, these people will have spent six weeks waiting in line for nothing except the privilege of having everyone from the Arclight walk by them at 2:45 AM on May 19 laughing their asses off. Nicely done.

Ended this Clone War has

Did I mention I saw Revenge of the Sith yesterday? Anyone who'd like some spoiler-laden commentary can e-mail me if they so desire.

You must unread what you have read

Neglected to report that the new Star Wars Report went up earlier this week and is eagerly awaiting your withering sarcasm.

It's true, I have read the Revenge of the Sith novel. Yeah, yeah, I still haven't gotten around to Remembrance of Thing Past or Great Expectations, but in the words of "Candy," the prison bitch from Brian Azzarello's "Hard Time:" don't you judge me.

Happily, many of the questions and concerns I had about were answered to my satisfaction. If you'd care to click the "More" link, I think you'll find them to your liking as well...

1. What of midichlorians? What?!

What about what now? In keeping with the pattern established in Attack of the Clones, no mention is made of these ridiculous microscopic Force germs. However, we do discover that Neimoidoians have a delicious, nougat-y center.

2. Does everyone in these movies live in the same cul-de-sac?

I assume you're referring to the annoying way Lucas keeps tying characters and other things (check out the Tantive IV in the latest trailer) from the Original Trilogy together with the prequels. Rumors even abounded that a young Han Solo would be somewhere in the film as well, and I can't have been the only one hoping for Han and the infant Leia to give us a repeat of the creepy child romance vibe we got between Anakin and Padme in Episode I.

In answer to the question: yes, they do. It's called Hutt's Landing.

3. How does Mace Windu die?

After a thrilling duel with Palpatine/Sidious, Mace is hanging precariously above Coruscant, totally at the Emperor's mercy. Anakin enters, and Mace, in desperation, offers the following soliloquy:

"After the Clone Wars, it took us a week to get out. Now, I don't know exactly when we turned on each other, but I know that seven of us survived the slide... and only five Jedi made it out. Now we took an oath, that I'm breaking now. We said we'd say it was the Sith that killed the other two, but it wasn't. The Dark Side is lethal but it doesn't hold a candle to man."

And then a shark eats him.

4. Now that this poorly scripted and laughably acted series of movies is about to mercifully come to a close, after you've spent large portions of the last 27 years obsessing over it, do you have any plans to seek out more adult pursuits? Or are you just going to keep bugging us every time Lucas opens his mouth from here on out?

Who let my mother in here? Next question.

5. What happens to Jar Jar?

You know, nothing I could come up with could possibly erase the ignominy of the flop-eared one's transgressions in Episode I. I'd love to tell you he crosses a hungover Wookiee and gets his arms pulled off, or Anakin uses him for Force choke practice, but I can't. He gets one sentence in the book, and no lines (I don't think). If they stick to this in the movie, I'll be fine with it.

One week to go.

And now, the end is near

After a lovely weekend in Galveston, partaking of the open bar at a wedding reception and mooning passers-by from our hotel window (the two events were in no way related), what should I find waiting for me upon my return?

Damn thing reads like a prenup.

They're serious about the "no guests" thing, meaning everyone who was trying to curry my favor in hopes of getting an invite can go back to treating me like an asshole again.

Pray I do not blog it any further

Just in time for Episode III, we learn that Darth Vader has a blog (via Fuzzball).

Excerpt:

They could never know what it is like to find out you still have a son, a stranger to you, lost amid the squalid systems of the outer rim and counted as a hero by your enemies.

Tomorrow I may strangle Admiral Veers.

It's actually General Veers, but Vader's got a lot on his mind.

"Bill's going for that anti-marketing dollar. That's a huge market."

The new "Star Wars Report," which details my grudging admiration for all things George Lucas, is up at Film Threat.

Internet crankiness is the 2000s equivalent to "talking about our feelings."

And the geek shall inherit the earth

Silly me, I forgot to mention that the new Star Wars Report lurks at Film Threat, waiting for you to do that thing with your eyes that you do so well.

Begun this merchandising tie-in has

I wish. This is only the latest offering in a product onslaught that's been going on for the last 28 years:

Gotta give Lucas credit for that, at least: film merchandising was nothing before Star Wars came along. Thanks to him, every Saturday morning cartoon and genre TV show gets a product blitz.

And somewhere, in a Toys 'R Us near you, there are stacks of mint condition Terl figures from Battlefield Earth. 40% off.

That way lies the Dark Side

New Star Wars Report (and actually a re-tooled blog entry from a couple years ago...don't tell anyone). Step right up and read the column that has gotten me more hate mail even than that favorable review I wrote about The Chronicles of Riddick.

"Don't go in there...it's dark."

The long-delayed latest edition of the Star Wars Report is up at Film Threat. Enjoy my ill-formed, drunken rambling about the latest trailer and Revenge of the Sith's pending PG-13 rating.

Mmmmm, edgy.

"'Obi-Wan.' Now that's a name I haven't heard in a long time."

If it's Monday, that means there's another Star Wars Report up at Film Threat. This week, I take a look at the distinguished tradition of character names in the Star Wars franchise. It's almost as funny as it sounds.

Or not.

And Lucasfilm releases the hounds in T minus 3, 2...

Crazy as it may sound, some of you out there just aren't into Star Wars. While I'm comfortable with the thought that such Philistines frequent my weblog, I should preface this entry by saying you probably won't be interested in the link I'm about to drop (via Fark).

Fair warning, this page contains a series of pics (and some brief movie clips) from pretty much the opening scene to the end of Episode III. Everything is here, including the fates of Amidala and Mace Windu, the Yoda/Sidious duel, and more or less the entire plot (such as it is) of the film. There won't be many surprises for anyone who's kept even one eye on the film's developments, but there are some nifty things in there that might spoil your viewing enjoyment.

If you're planning on viewing it, that is.

If that hasn't deterred you. Click here.

"You are unwise to lower your defenses."

As promised, my new weekly column is up today at Film Threat. Because I'm sure you have nothing better to do, feel free to go take a look at the first installment of The Star Wars Report.

"Who knows what adventures they'll have between now and the time the show becomes unprofitable?"

With the release of Episode III looming over us like a herd of hot, sexy bantha, George Lucas is extending the franchise's merchandising into heretofore unexplored areas:

As seen in this photo released in New York by Hasbro, Inc., Friday, Jan. 14, 2005, Hasbro, Inc.'s Playskool division is launching a new Mr. Potato Head figure, Darth Tater. Available at stores nationwide in February, kids will be able to have all kinds of mix 'n match, Mr. Potato Head fun with this wacky spud dressed as the infamous Star Wars saga villain, Darth Vader.

What kind of "mix 'n match" fun can you have with a Vader spud? Does his helmet come off, revealing the scarred potato beneath? From a variant standpoint, Darth Vader is really the worst option Lucas has: he only wears one outfit throughout the original trilogy, unlike - to pick one of the more egregious offenders - Luke (who had spiffy ensembles from Tattooine, as a stormtrooper and an X-wing pilot, and from Hoth, Dagobah, Jabba's palace, and Endor). Hell, even the stormtroopers had three versions ("classic," Hoth snowtrooper, and Endor).

Oh, what am I saying? Just look at him. Such a cute and cuddly Sith lord.

From my cold, dead, cyborg hands

Apparently not even making Lumpy shoot first would change George Lucas' mind about this:

Moviemaker George Lucas wants his first Star Wars sequel banned, as he is so disappointed with its quality. The one-off, two-hour-long The Star Wars Holiday Special was originally screened on the CBS network in 1978 and tells the story of Chewbacca's journey home with Han Solo to celebrate Life Day with his family. During the course of the much-maligned movie, Carrie Fisher's beautiful Leia is seen reducing Hans Solo and Luke Skywalker to tears with a song.

Now we know what they've been doing at Skywalker Ranch: developing a functioning replica of those memory wipers from Men in Black.

Sorry, George. This is one time you can't just pick up your negatives and go home. Not only do I remember watching this when it first aired, but I own a copy. And so can just about everyone else. The Star Wars Holiday Special is one of the most bootlegged movies of all time, and is readily available on eBay, in assorted video and comic stores, and at just about any sci-fi or gaming convention you feel like attending.

Short of making possession of the title a criminal offense (and I admit, I'm not really sure what Lucas is advocating when he calls for it to be "banned"), there's nothing that can be done. Sure, it'll never air on network TV or home video ever again, but Life Day and Bea Arthur will live on for countless decades in fourth and fifth generation copies.

Or until the videotape itself disintegrates, I guess.

Fool me once, shame on you

Fool me six times...oh, the hell with it.

As many of you already know, the teaser for Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith aired on Entertainment Tonight or E! Fashion Nazis or Celebrity Buggerfest last night. It didn't take long for legions of handsome, gainfully employed computer swahsbucklers to get a copy and post that mother all over the internets. Dark Horizons has some mirrors listed, but they're pretty much moving targets. I watched it here.

As trailers go, it's rather chincy. The entire first half consists of a replay of Ben's lecture from Star Wars about the Jedi and Luke's father, cut with scenes from the previous movies. Then we see:
+ Anakin in dire need of Visine
+ Scenes from a Jedi struggle in Mustafar hills
+ Sidious and James Earl Jones voiceover: "Lord Vader?" "Yes, master." "Rise."
+ Vader does so
+ Samuel L. Jackson is pissed...for a change
+ Wookies, wookies, wookies
+ Space battles
+ Anakin is also pissed
+ Obi Wan and Anakin fight on Mauna Loa
+ Sidious gets Jedi with it

I've been down this road far too many times to get excited about any of this stuff. Lucas' "dark" film will no doubt feature lots of angst and murder most foul, but I'm still happy I get to see it for free.

Oh shut up. I haven't had a Star Wars update in months. And you don't come here for election recaps.

"I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if a couple dozen voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced."

Ha ha, suckers:

Fans of John Williams are up in arms over an apparent glitch in the new Star Wars DVD set in which the left and right channels fed to the rear speakers in surround sound are reversed in the original Star Wars movie (Episode 4). John Takis, who frequently analyzes film scores for Internet groups, points out that the violins can be heard coming from the left surround-sound speakers and the cellos from the left. "It is essentially a 124-minute audio glitch," Takis writes on the John Williams fansite, www.JW-Music.net. "The sound effects are correctly positioned in the surround channels. It's just the music that's backwards." Takis also takes issue with other aspects of the sound mix for the original movie. "Remember the awesome fanfare version of the Force theme that kicks off the Death Star battle?" he writes "Good luck hearing it this time around -- it's virtually inaudible."

Confirmation from DVD site The Digital Bits, as well.

Lucasfilm responds:

"We are always impressed with how closely fans listen to the many different sound mixes we have made for the Star Wars movies over the years. It is flattering to know that, indeed, the audience is listening. Consequently, each mix comes out differently and any changes that you hear on the all-new Dolby Digital 5.1 Surround EX tracks o­n the Star Wars Trilogy DVD set are deliberate creative decisions. We can confirm that there are no technical glitches as has been reported."

So...either they're idiots, or the reversal of the score was an inexplicably "deliberate creative decision." Nothing would surprise me at this point, though I wonder how much my surround sound-deprived self would actually notice. In any case, I still hadn't made up my mind about obtaining these. Now I think I won't, as it will spoil all my pointing and laughing.

"Permission to treat the witness as hostile?"

And people laughed when I created a category solely for Star Wars related entries...

From today's Dark Horizons, excerpts from an Associated Press interview with George Lucas:

Question: Why not release both the originals and special editions on DVD?

Lucas: The special edition, that's the one I wanted out there. The other movie, it's on VHS, if anybody wants it. ... I'm not going to spend the, we're talking millions of dollars here, the money and the time to refurbish that, because to me, it doesn't really exist anymore. It's like this is the movie I wanted it to be, and I'm sorry you saw half a completed film and fell in love with it. But I want it to be the way I want it to be. I'm the one who has to take responsibility for it. I'm the one who has to have everybody throw rocks at me all the time, so at least if they're going to throw rocks at me, they're going to throw rocks at me for something I love rather than something I think is not very good, or at least something I think is not finished.

Plenty of artists deal with works that are unfinished. Writers call them "drafts." Lucas can whine all he wants about how the original was "jerked from his hands," but only guys like Kubrick and Altman have the pull to dick around for years making a film. Everyone else (especially a director with one moderately successful studio picture under his belt) should be prepared to suck it up.

What's his excuse for redoing Empire and Return of the Jedi yet again? Certainly the success of Star Wars meant he could take the time to make something other than a "half-completed" film at the time?

As for those widely available VHS copies he's referring to, checking the Amazon listing for "Star Wars original versions" turns up a lot of "out of stock" messages. You can find a couple sets on eBay for $30 and up, but it isn't like one can just walk into Fry's and buy them. Maybe that's because Lucas is no longer allowing the tapes to be produced?

Poor guy, he's "sorry" all the way to the bank. I'd give more credence to his claims that it would cost millions to "refurbish" the originals, but he'd easily make that back in two hour's worth of sales.

Question: After "Episode III," will you ever revisit "Star Wars"?

Lucas: "Ultimately, I'm going to probably move it into television and let other people take it. I'm sort of preserving the feature film part for what has happened and never go there again, but I can go off into various offshoots and things. You know, I've got offshoot novels, I've got offshoot comics. So it's very easy to say, "Well, OK, that's that genre, and I'll find a really talented person to take it and create it." Just like the comic books and the novels are somebody else's way of doing it. I don't mind that. Some of it might turn out to be pretty good. If I get the right people involved, it could be interesting".

Man, I had this idea months ago. I'll give it a whirl, dude. Keep the executive producer credit and just give me a percentage of merchandising and let me handle the interviews. I work cheap.

So he's gone from "definitely not" to "it could be interesting" in the space of a week. The guy obviously needs some help solidifying his platform.

The whole interview can be read here.

The last word

Until the next round of press for Episode III, that is:

Talking with MTV, George Lucas confirmed that the upcoming "Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith" will definitely be the last live-action film in the saga.

"This was never planned as a nine-episode work. The original 'Star Wars' was only three films, and that was what it was meant to be. After a lot of pondering and thought, I went back to do the back story, but that pretty much tells the story. Episode Six is the end. There isn't any more to it."

I can't be the only one who remembers reading, in an issue of Time from 1980 or thereabouts, that Lucas envisioned a nine film arc for Star Wars. Granted, he was probably blowing smoke since he had never really decided to do Episodes V and VI, initially. Or to rename "Star Wars" as "Episode IV," for that matter. No one, not Lucas, Gary Kurtz, or 20th Century Fox, thought Star Wars had franchise potential. In fact, Lucas and the studio execs were so sure it would flop. Fox considered recycling the F/X shots for a future TV series.

Given Lucas' history of reversing position on this, I'd take him at his word for another ten years or so until the latest batch of CGI wizardry gets him aroused.

He also hinted that Episode III may be a PG-13 affair - "All the good guys die, and you know, it's pretty dark. It's pretty intense. I'm not sure this one is going to end up a PG like the others were".

Wow, so it'll be as dark and intense as Spider-Man? Better bring my smelling salts.

UPDATE: Luke's got my back:

Mark Hamill, the original Luke Skywalker in the original Star Wars movies, has said that George Lucas once told him that he planned to produce episodes seven, eight, and nine of the series beginning around 2011 and asked him to return for cameo appearances then. Hamill said he agreed to do so. (In a separate interview, Lucas described his comment as "an off-hand comment" and added, "I never had any intention of doing that. ... Episode six is the end. There isn't any more to it.")

"Original Luke Skywalker?" Did I miss something?

In a world where The Who can go on six "farewell" tours and still make money, George Lucas will revisit the idea of more movies again.

I just thought of something else. In his MTV interview, Lucas said Episode III would be the last "live-action" Star Wars film. Surely it isn't out of the realm of possibility that he'd simply go all-CGI next time. Actors are so annoying, after all.

"It's the ship that made the Kessel Run in less than 12 MPG."

More word is starting to come out about the changes included in the upcoming Star Wars DVD release:

The first reviews are going up in the media for the upcoming original "Star Wars Trilogy" DVD boxsets, and answers are at last coming through about all the rumoured new changes in regards to certain shots and scenes in the movies.

The biggest change that will have fans screaming is the confirmed replacement of Sebastian Shaw with Hayden Christensen as Anakin's ghost at the end of "Return of the Jedi". Why Christensen is there but McGregor hasn't replaced Obi-Wan seems a glaring continuity error.

Other changes will receive a more mixed reaction. The hologram of the Emperor in "The Empire Strikes Back" done by an old woman and voiced by Clive Revell has been replaced by Ian McDiarmid who played him in the prequels and "Return of the Jedi". The speech has been changed too and gives away the Luke-Vader connection early on.

Most other scenes have just been cleaned and tidied up a bit with more detail - the lightsabers, the Jabba the Hut scenes in "A New Hope", Naboo being included in the Jedi celebrations (although the Emperor statue demolition has been pulled), Luke no longer screaming during his Empire fall, and now Greedo and Han fire at the same time.

Pics of the assorted changes can be found at Digital Bits. Mark Hamill talked about the release recently (and potential future films), his talk can be found at IESB.

Lucas is like a little kid faced with an unwelcome bedtime. He keeps arguing for fifteen more minutes, then ten, finally his mother gives him five more minutes, and he giggles madly to himself at his victory. That's what the Han-Greedo thing amounts to. Of all the changes in the Special Editions, Greedo shooting first was, to fans, the biggest betrayal of the original characters (I'm surprised Luke didn't scream when he plummeted down the shaft in the original...the whiny little bitch). Of everything that was added or altered, that scene in the cantina was the most obvious and least technologically accomplished, and his ultimate idea of a compromise turns out to be having them both shoot at the same time.

Whatever you do, don't try to take his woobie away.

As for the Sebastian Shaw thing...I suppose it's possible Lucas has some explanation about why Qui-Gon didn't become all twinkly like everyone else, or why Obi-Wan is old and busted Alec Guinness and not new hotness Ewan McGregor, but I'm not holding my breath. Replacing Alec Guinness would've been more problematic, due to the number of post-mortem scenes in which Obi-Wan appears. And I wouldn't be surprised if McGregor balked at the idea of replacing those shots.

Naturally the changes are causing a huge amount of reaction from the SW nutters, so Lucasfilm reps are already out and spoke to Sci-Fi Wire about the changes and why they happened: "It comes down to what [Lucas] has said constantly, which is that he very strongly believes in an artist's right to have his work presented in the way he wants it presented. In terms of your own personal art, and how you want it to be presented, the artist has that right. With the '97 version of the film, or what he feels is closer to his original vision, he couldn't accomplish [certain things] back in 1977, and people either like it, or they don't. We respect that point of view. But at the end of the day George feels very strongly about artists' rights".

Right. Why hasn't he gone back to revamp Howard the Duck, then? Talk about not getting things accomplished. That sucker regularly makes all-time worst movie lists, and we're supposed to believe it ended up exactly as Lucas intended?

Lucas gives a rat's ass about "artists' rights." Otherwise Dave Prowse would've been credited in the original Star Wars, and Shaw wouldn't be getting the digital screw job now. And that's to say nothing of the countless painters and sculptors getting their original work whitewashed in the name of Lucas' "true" vision.

If he "respects our point of view," he'd release the unaltered films, simple as that. Because when it comes right down to it, the only reason Lucas has his vast media empire is thanks to the love people have for the original versions. That he continues to hold out like the petulant brat he is only proves he doesn't respect anything but his own ego and wallet.

George Lucas must be destroyed

I will not comment on the latest Star Wars rumors
I will not comment on the latest Star Wars rumors
I will not comment on the latest Star Wars rumors:

Star Wars creator George Lucas could be poised to make three sequels to the original space opera trilogy, according to insiders at Lucasfilm. According to fan site Theforce.Net, employees at Lucas's company Industrial Light And Magic (ILM) have all been made to sign non-disclosure agreements to promise not to talk about the possibility of episode's seven, eight and nine being made. Now industry insiders are predicting the American Graffiti director will make the follow-ups, which pick up where 1983's Return Of The Jedi left off, despite insisting he would never be lured into filming them. A posting on the site says, "You didn't hear this from me, but you might be curious as to why everyone at ILM just signed NDA's saying that they will not discuss Star Wars episodes 7, 8, or 9. Since they're not being made, why the NDA's? Of course, since when has Lucas been consistent?"

Back in October, word was that Spielberg might step in to take over. Then in January, much was made of Peter Mayhew's Episode III contract requiring his appearance in another trilogy. Etc, etc. World without end.

As your faithful Star Wars running dog, I've faithfully tried to keep all of you up to date on the rumors that keep trickling out of Lucasfilm. But with all the contradictory information floating around, fans of the franchise become hungry for The Truth. Can the self-flagellation end after Rise of the Sith? Or will we be tortured for yet another decade only to have the honor of watching Admiral Thrawn step in bantha pudu and Han and Leia's kids team up to fight crime?

Even though it is Lucas' right to continue toying with the fanbase that made him richer than Croesus by screwing around with his old films and sucking the soul from his new ones like a bearded Stormbringer, it is my right to call for action.

That's right: it's time to call in Wayne Dolcefino.

Drastic times call for drastic measures and, as HWRNMNBSOL noted below, APCB is only 5th on Google for WD searches. Lucas might be able to pull the wool over our eyes, using his army of litigators while he broods deep within the fortress-like bowels of Skywalker Ranch, but neither electrified gates nor beefy security guards can keep our hirsute hyena of truth at bay. Wayne would get to the bottom of this, especially if any unsafe strip clubs were involved.

Help us, Obi-Wayne Kenobi...you're our only hope.

Episode III: Rise of the Schizo

Some Episode III promo artwork has hit the web. Because I am weak, and will see this movie no matter how awful the advance word is, I thought I'd share:

Hey, lookit that. Darth Vader. I...oh no...he's trying to take over again...*erf*...mustn't give in...have to...withhold judgement until film is released...losing control of own mind...

Oh, pipe down you candy ass. Your average moviegoer willpower is nothing compared to the brute force of your sinister alter-ego, Righteously Indignant Star Wars Fan. You might as well just come out and admit it to yourself: this movie will make Pearl Harbor look like Rashomon. You've heard the old adage about 1000 monkeys typing for 1000 years? Well, Lucas only uses five monkeys, and he pays them scale!

Shut up, shut up. It might be good. After all, this one's going to be darker than the first two.

What the hell does that mean? Sam Jackson has more scenes? Lucas has no concept of the word "dark," which is saying something for a guy who spends so much time with his head up his ass.

But what about the fight scene on the volcano between Anakin and Obi-Wan? That should make a difference, right?

Did the three-way duel in the Episode I make a difference? Did Yoda jumping around like Dripalong Daffy on rotgut in Episode II make a difference? The fight scenes only last for ten or fifteen minutes, meaning we're still left with an hour and a half of green screen crap and Hayden Christiansen's acting to deal with.

What about Darth Vader? We get to see him in this movie. Shouldn't that count for something?

We already saw him in three movies! The fact that you mewling fanboys are getting so excited about the appearance of a 25-year old character shows how bankrupt this franchise has become.

At least Vader was named before Lucas went completed insane and started coming up with characters like "Sidious," "Sleazebaggeno," and "General Greivous."

Chewbacca's in it...

Everybody's in it! There's a whole planet of Wookiees! And Grand Moff Tarkin! Plus Luke and Leia! Would anybody be surprised if Lucas included two little boys running through one scene while somebody called from offscreen, "Han, Lando, time for dinner?"

I'm not listening to you anymore. Episode III might not suck.

Wise up, dipshit. Even if Obi-Wan wakes up and discovers the last two movies were just a dream - Bobby Ewing style - you''re still stuck with the knowledge of what has come before. No retconning of midichlorians, Jar Jar, or Anakin surfing on a space cow is going to take the pain away, and you know it.

Bah, you bore me. Quit posting crap like this or I'm coming back again. And I might bring Star Wars Fan Who Bitches Endlessly About Continuity Errors with me.

No, no...I'll be good.
...
Is he gone?

Man, I hate that guy.

I find my lack of faith disturbing

If it's Monday, it must be time for Star Wars DVD news. Specifically, what kind of extras you slavering dogs can look forward to come September (via Dark Horizons):

- 2.35:1 anamorphic widescreen, THX Certified
- English Dolby Digital 5.1 EX; English, Spanish & French Dolby Surround

THX? Quelle surprise.

- George Lucas, Ben Burtt, Dennis Muren & Carrie Fisher Commentary
- Irvin Kershner (ESB) & Lawrence Kasdan (ESB, ROTJ) Commentary

No big surprise on the commentaries. Burtt was sound designer for all the Star Wars movies, though I'm not sure what he can offer to the "how did they do that?" discussion given that he divulged most of his secrets in the various "making of" documentaries. Muren worked visual FX for 4 of the 5 SW movies. However, unlike Burtt, he also did work on movies outside Lucas' sphere of influence. I'm curious if either will give Lucas any shit on their tracks. Somehow I doubt it.

Same with Kershner, who must be included as a sop to everyone who thinks Empire is the best film of the series. That may be true, but he had nothing to do with the films aside from that gig (and rumor has it Lucas was not pleased that Kershner brushed off his "suggestions"). And will Kasdan try to distance himself from Return of the Jedi?

I would've loved to get Star Wars and Empire Strikes Back producer Gary Kurtz to do a track, though I think the chances of that are essentially nil, especially considering his likening the rise of special editions to a "disease" (in a great IGN FilmForce interview)

Carrie Fisher must've crossed the picket line.

- Star Wars: The Independent Films Documentary (150 mins)
- The Evolution of Characters Featurette (30 mins)
- The Influence of Star Wars Featurette (20 mins)
- Lightsabers/Fights Featurette (10 mins)
- 1977 Vintage Star Wars Featurette (20 mins)
- Episode III Behind the Scenes Preview (10 mins)

What, no "Power of Myth?" No "Holiday Special?"

- Star Wars Battlefront X-Box Video Game Preview
- Original & 1997 Re-Release Teasers and Trailers
- Original TV Spots & 1997 Re-Release TV Spots
- Comprehensive Posters and Artwork Gallery
- DVD-ROM: Link to StarWars.com Website

Blah, blah, blah. I wish it was September so I could just swallow my pride and buy these already.

"I bent my Wookiee."

And now at last, the end is near:

After years of waiting, hype and hope, the rumors can at last be laid to rest: the holy grail of DVD will finally be released this September. Yes, it is the original Star Wars trilogy: Episode IV: A New Hope, Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back (which many regard as the best in the series) and Episode VI: Return of the Jedi.

While a full press release has yet to be issued, both Lucasfilm and Fox Home Entertainment confirmed today that the trilogy will touch down on September 21st as a four-disc set, available in both anamorphic widescreen and full screen versions, containing the three films plus a bonus fourth disc with extras, a la the top-selling Adventures of Indiana Jones set released late last year. The films will not be sold separately, at least initially, according to Fox representatives.

That works. I like the setup for the Indiana Jones DVDs, and the extras disc has some great stuff.

Wait, there's more:

While the full details on what extras will be included in the set are still pending, Ward promises that Lucasfilm "are creating added-value material that gets inside the creation of the 'Star Wars' films in a fresh and fun way. We want watching this DVD collection to be as memorable as seeing the movies for the first time." He also confirmed that rumors that Lucas would not contribute new audio commentaries to the set are false, although there are as of yet no exact details on which films will receive commentary tracks, and who will be among the participants.

Lucas commentaries? That should be a hoot. Now I need to come up with a drinking game ("Down it every time he references the 'power of myth'").

And I can think of one way to make watching the DVDs as memorable as watching the movies the first time...what has Lucasfilm go to say about that?

Of course, the big question mark amongst fans has always been whether Lucas would allow the original, unaltered original editions of the trilogy to also be released on DVD. Not possible, said Ward, who confirmed that the upcoming set will feature only the 1997 Special Edition versions of each film. "What George did in 1997," Ward explains, "was [to] make the movie he originally wanted to make."

"Not possible?" What, did the dianoga eat the negatives? Lucas couldn't have Han act "in self defense" in 1977? Are we really supposed to believe he wanted every possible inch of screen filled with crap when he first made the movie? Why leave in the "BattleZone" graphics on the Millennium Falcon? Why not fix the landspeeder's shadow?

Oh look, now you've gone and made me repeat myself. Again.

So what are the faithful to do if they don't want to watch the altered 1997 editions of the trilogy? Either give in, or don't buy. "We realize there's a lot of debate out there," says Ward. "But this is not a democracy. We love our fans, but this is about art and filmmaking. [George] has decided that the sole version he wants available is this one."

If you loved your fans, you'd make the trivial effort to transfer the originals to disc. The "sole version" Lucas is graciously offering his fans is one that, overhwelmingly, they don't want. Perhaps if he also released special editions of Episodes I and II that actually made them watchable.

This isn't art, it's commerce, and bad commerce at that. Think how much money he'd make if he released the originals with the special editions in a 7-disc set. Charge double for it. We'd buy it, believe me.

Bah, I need to back up my VHS copies.

The rumor strikes back

Considering that Episode III isn't coming out for another year, I'm surprised more wild speculation about the future of the Star Wars franchise hasn't been taking place. Leave it to TheForce.net to stoke my craving for innuendo:

Rob tells us that the December 2003 issue of the British movie mag HOTDOG has just hit the stands here in the U.S. and found several cool Star Wars related things. In particular, on page 12, here's this possibly amazing passage:

"No wonder Peter "Chewbacca" Mayhew is smiling. Not only has he been rescued from obscurity and given the chance to reprise his role as our Wookiee comrade for Episode III, but his contract also stipulates that he'd be required to appear in Episodes 7, 8, and 9.

Yes folks, seems there are actual whispers at Lucasfilm that the 'sequel' trilogy might be in the works..."

I'm curious to see the rest of the wording on that contract. It'd be just like Lucas to include a clause stating Mayhew has to appear in the next trilogy even if Lucas has no intention of making it. Hell, it probably requires him to appear in Episodes 10 through 217, or whatever arbitrary number you feel like using.

We've been over this territory before, and I remain unconvinced. Besides, Lucas already has a series of films coming out that differ completely from any of the others, it's called the Original Trilogy DVD Edition. Thanks to technological advances, Lucas assures us they won't look anything like they did in 1977.

Right on.

You probably saw this coming

Surprise, surprise...Dark Horizons has some news on the maybe-possibly-hypothetical next three movies in a certain space fantasy franchise (Hint: it's not "Galaxina"):

Star Wars: Episodes 7-9: "One of my pals at ILM told me a few days back that another trilogy 'might' happen. This is the sequel trilogy that Lucas said he'd never do. It's very very early days yet, but apparently there is some talk, even to the point of Mr Spielberg - who was interested in doing 'Clones' at one point - stepping in for Lucas, who may want to write, but probably won't want to direct. If Lucas doesn't they'll probably work out a deal for say Frank Darabont to pen (ala the current "Indiana Jones IV" arrangement). This one would be the three films following 'Return of the Jedi,' Han Solo, Skywalker, post-Darth etc. How hard of a time are they going to have on their hands getting some of those original players! ha ha! finally a fitting use for CGI hey? The deal is everyone wants the sequels, except Lucas, who is apparently exhausted [Personally I'd say studio pressure]. If Spielberg directs, it could be ok. Better than those terrible prequel movies". Thanks to 'Wookie Walker'.

I'm heavily inclined to cry "hoax" on this, even though one might think this idea would appeal to Lucas: if all he has to do is scipt the plot outline, what's he go to lose? Total control, that's what. Spielberg made some famously pointed comments about Lucas' meddling in "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom," and I'm not convinced there isn't still some bad blood there. Besides, if Spielberg winning an Academy Award wasn't humiliating enough, consider how much Lucas would seethe over possible critical praise for a new trilogy directed by someone else. "Star Wars" made Lucas what he is. What are the odds he'll allow someone to leech credit away from the one thing for which he'll be remembered?

Well, that and "Howard the Duck."

The funny thing is; apart from Harrison Ford, I bet most of the OT cast would return. Hamill, Fisher, Mayhew, and Williams could all use the paycheck, and don't tell me Kenny Jones and Anthony Daniels have better things to do.

There's plenty of source material for these films (while we're making far-fetched predictions, let's assume Lucas wouldn't want any part in plotting them). Due to the passage of time, we can skip right past the Thrawn Trilogy or Dark Empire, and even the Black Fleet Crisis would be a stretch (and I haven't read any of the New Jedi Order stuff). The most likely candidates, to me, would be Kevin Anderson's Jedi Academy books, the better to appeal to that sweet, sweet "young adult" market. Think of the wild speculation around the casting of Han and Leia's kids, and Mara Jade.

But that won't happen, because these movies aren't going to happen. It's a nice exercise in navel-gazing, however.

"Sith? Sith?" Yeth?"

TheForce.Net is reporting that the title of the eagerly awaited (though not quite so eagerly awaited as "Return of the King") final Star Wars prequel will be "Revenge of the Sith." Seems Lucasfilm has registered the domain "revengeofthesith.net."

Of course, they also registered "riseforth.com" ("The Sith/Clones Rise Forth" was, at one time, rumored to be the title for "Episode II") and "darkjedi.com" before the last film, so who knows? George isn't exactly batting a thousand when it comes to titles, so maybe he should just run that baby.

If you ask me (and you knew this was coming), he could do a lot worse:

Episode III: The Clone Collector
Episode III: Watto's Love Got To Do With It?
Episode III: Peter Mayhew's Off the Dole
Episode III: "Lord of the Rings" Doesn't Have Lightsabers
Episode III: Now With Vampires!
Episode III: Desperate, But Not Sidious
Episode III: Return of Your Parents' Basement
Episode III: Midichlorians? Who Said Anything About Midichlorians?
Episode III: The Emperor Is Recalled

...and President Bush's favorite:

"Episode III: Bring It On"

I know how he feels

From the IMDb:

Ewan McGregor's 'Star Wars' Depression Led to Boozing

Movie star Ewan McGregor has admitted to binging on alcohol in order to cope with the depression brought on by his role in the "Star Wars" prequels. The Scottish actor saw his career skyrocket when he played the role of Obi-Wan Kenobi in the hit franchise, but soon felt the pressure of being an international movie star.

Oh. That kind of depression. I thought...never mind.

Ewan admits, "I used to get drunk before meeting journalists. I thought it would get me through. But then it just leads to you saying things that you wished you'd never said - stupid things." But the father-of-two has now curbed his boozing ways, and is happy to be recognized as Obi-Wan by young fans.

Stupid things like this?

"It's not some s**t like 'Independence Day' or 'Godzilla.' 'Star Wars' is like modern fairy tales and fables. It's a complete entity of its own, and it so has to do with my generation." - Premiere magazine, May 1999

Or maybe this?

"There's nothing cooler than being a Jedi Knight." - Details, November 1997

Joking aside (and acknowledging the comments about "ID4" and "Godzilla"), he shouldn't back away from calling Lucas's dialogue "crap"...it is crap. Why apologize for allowing alcohol to loosen your tongue a little?

Ewan McGregor has a standing invitation to join me at Rudyard's anytime for a pint or six of Bellhaven and to complain about Star Wars. Hell, I can be found most days doing that anyway.

Deep Dooku

I found myself fast forwarding through "Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones" the other day (we loves our PVR, yes we does), trying to home in on the non-suck portions of the movie. They were few and far between (any action scene featuring Obi-Wan, basically), but at least more numerous than in "The Phantom Menace." While rewinding the Obi-Wan/Jango Fett duel for the nth time, it finally dawned on me why the two prequels, to date, have been so bad. It was so obvious, I could pull the ears off a gundark for not thinking of it sooner.

But let's back up a bit. You've heard the criticisms since "Episode I" came out: Lucas writes worse than the bastard child of Jackie Collins and John Grisham; Lucas is drunk on power and no longer listens to the wise counsel of former confidantes like Gary Kurtz; Lucas should hand the writing/directing chores over to someone else; Lucas experimented with trepanation and lost his mind. The howls of protest went up well before the end of that first midnight screening in 1999, and have scarcely abated since.

Is there validity to these claims? Sure, to a point. Even the films in the original trilogy, which most of us still remember through the hazy and idealistic prism of childhood, were written in a stilted and ponderous fashion. Really, "I've got a bad feeling about this" can only be tossed out so many times. And the best line in the trilogy, Han's "I know" to Leia right before being frozen in carbonite, was ad-libbed.

Look at the facts, though: Lucas directed both prequels, sure, but "Return of the Jedi," the movie that allowed a handful of Teddy Ruxpin's country cousins to defeat the most feared military force in the galaxy, was directed by Richard Marquand and co-written by Lawrence Kasdan, who also co-wrote "Empire." Obviously, quality is not wholly incumbent upon who sits in the little folding chair.

So what's the real problem with the prequels? Is it that they lack the loveable rogue character Harrison Ford supplied in the OT? Possibly, though Ewan McGregor allowed a bit of the swashbuckler to seep into his portrayal of Obi-Wan. How about the antiseptic CGI? Could be. Any sense of wonder one had from the earlier movies' special effects is certainly lost when better work is evident in most Pixar releases.

All these avoid the heart of the matter, however. I've heard the love of Star Wars movies compared to being in a relationship with an abusive spouse (and have detailed it myself in another forum), and it isn't too far off the mark. Lucas makes you work for it, struggling to find the one elusive nugget of gold in an otherwise endless river of silt. He continues to up the difficulty factor by refusing to release the first three movies on DVD, and worse, insisting that the original versions (minus Quick Draw McGreedo) will never be released at all. He champions the inclusion of Jar Jar and makes Anakin Skywalker less a tragic hero than a petulant bastard we care nothing about. So why is he doing this?

It's because he wants us to hate these films.

Think about it: do you know anyone who honestly hates Star Wars? I know, I know, every group has some crank who claims they were never impressed when they first saw it on the big screen. We'll leave them to clutch their DVD copies of "The Hidden Fortress" and mutter blackly to themselves. For many of the rest of us, most notably those under the age of 40, "Star Wars" sparked a lifelong love of movies. Even knowing what we do now about Lucas' penchant for "borrowing" from other filmmakers and his reliance on brilliant people around him, we're still hard pressed to find too much fault with the original, much less actively dislike it.

But this is, I believe, exactly what he wants. Maybe he's tired of all the adulation heaped on the original trilogy ("Hey, I directed 'American Graffiti' too!"). Maybe he's getting death threats. Perhaps he even entered into some weird arrangement, a la "The Producers," where he actually stands to make even more money if the prequels fail. I'm not sure of the rationale behind it, but taken in that light it makes a kind of twisted sense.

The man obviously doesn't need any more money. And the backpedaling he did after at one time saying he wanted to make nine movies only cements the idea that he's sick of Star Wars. Granted, he could coast by until his dying day without making another film and his legacy would be complete. Besides, after seeing the impressive job Peter Jackson has done with his two "Lord of the Rings" movies, I doubt Lucas would be missed. If six films are all that are required to tell the story (and "Episode III" will have to be subtitled "Ignoring the Continuity" to help it jibe with the other five chapters), why not have a little fun with them? For example, Anakin is not, as you assumed he was, the sympathetic character who succumbs to his inner demons, but rather an unsympathetic, easily manipulated little prick. What, you thought the Force was this mystical energy field binding the universe together? Wrong, now it's a biological anomaly, akin to having webbed toes or being able to roll your tongue.

Maybe if this was actually Lucas' agenda, I could relax some and enjoy the prequel train wreck a little more. And while I'd like to believe my little conspiracy theory, that sinking sensation comes over me again after carefully selecting the 30 or so bearable minutes of "Episode II." I'll go see "Episode III" when it comes out, but the thought no longer fills me with anticipation like it did a scant five years ago. At most, I have a tiny glimmer of optimism awash in a sea of black dread. And that comes from the prospect of seeing a certain Gungan bite the dust.

The best way I can describe it is like being obligated to attend an aquaintance's housewarming party. He may be an insufferable blowhard who will go to great lengths to gloat over his new pool and home theater system, but hopefully he'll have free beer.

Once again, I've got a bad feeling about this.