A Perfectly Cromulent Blog

Signs of the Apocalypse - TNT Edition

Struggling mightily to make it to the end of Game 1 between the Rockets and the Lakers and realizing there are some disquieting omens in evidence. And I'm not counting Pau Gasol's shitty neckbeard.

5. I actually didn't mind watching the second half of Castle instead of the beginning of the game (I defer to The Pregnant Wife). I like Nathan Fillion, and I hope ABC picks this up for another season.

4. My computer can't read my Rush Moving Pictures CD, which I'm pretty sure is one of the first discs I bought back in the late '80s. MERCURYYYYY!

3. Where does Jada Pinkett-Smith find time to make a TV show (Hawthorne) when Wicked Wisdom is in such hot demand?

2. That TNT show with Mark-Paul Gosselar is still on the air. I have nothing to add to this. Wait, yes I do: kill me.

1. Houston beats L.A. Of course, it had nothing to do with the performance of Brooks and Artest and everything to do with Kobe having a fever/shoulder sprain. Game 2 will be a very different story, unfortunately.

The Whedon-out process

Meant to comment on this Dollhouse-related item a few days ago:

Can Prison Break Save Dollhouse?

Probably not -- but maybe! Certainly Dollhouse's low ratings, Joss Whedon's troubled history with Fox, and the fact that the network is refusing to air the thirteenth episode of the first season all bode poorly for the show's renewal prospects. But now that it's finally rid of the viewership-terminating Sarah Connor Chronicles as a lead-in, can Dollhouse rally? Whedon hopes so!

At Paleyfest yesterday, he acknowledged that the chance of a second season is "not very good" -- but there is, technically, a chance!

"I've gone from a sort of place of 'You don't even care, nobody loves me' [laughs] to a place of God, I can't believe I'm saying this ... hope. We might actually get the chance to do what we're dying to do, which is tell more of these stories with these crazy people because we have so many more yet to come ... Basically it's what happens in the next few weeks; we have a new lead-in, we have a few more episodes coming up -- whether it's 12 or 13 -- they are fierce ... We're going to go out this season with a bang, and hopefully we'll get to come back for Season 2."

Next week's episode of Dollhouse will air after Prison Break, which has already been canceled but is returning for six more episodes following a mid-season break. And its ratings this year are slightly better than The Sarah Connor Chronicles' (5.6 million viewers, on average, compared to SCC's 4.7 million). Still, we can't recall the last time that swapping one canceled show for another canceled show saved a third nearly canceled show from cancellation -- but it's certainly kind of weird to hear Joss Whedon using the word "hope," isn't it?

I can't have been the only one who saw the promos for Dollhouse, heard the words "Friday night" and "Fox," and wondered what the hell Whedon was thinking. I realize it was Dushku's development deal and she brought him on board, but come on. Was he really expecting a square deal from the same network that gave Firefly the shiv and seems to hate any genre show not called The X-Files?

He should be happy Buffy was only on WB, or it would've been shut down after two seasons.

I'm admittedly not as big a fan of the guy as some. I watched Buffy for about four years, never got into Angel, and really enjoyed Firefly. I gave Dollhouse three episodes before deciding I had better things to do with my time (and because Whedon's fetishization of young women masquerading as "empowerment" finally started to wear thin, but that's an entry for another time).

So maybe that's why I'm not feeling the indignation about the show's imminent demise. For starters, Eliza Dushku is not a good enough actress on which to hang a franchise. Second, people need to stop insisting I should "stick with it" because "Episode 9 was really great"...I'm glad these folks have that kind of free time, but I walk out of a 90-minute movie if it doesn't grab me and give a book about 100 pages before moving on. Am I really supposed to devote 8 hours of my life to a TV show before it starts to get good? Aren't the really memorable TV shows the ones that nail it from the get-go?

I don't read all his interviews, but has Whedon ever considered doing something with the SciFi...sorry, SyFy Network? Battlestar Galactica might have succeeded on network TV, but I wouldn't count on it. And if Stargate can become a venerable and respected franchise, it seems like Whedon wouldn't have any problem developing his shows at the pace he seems determined to set.

"A little beer will put out that fire."

I'm going to withhold comment on the wholly unsettling Quizno's ad I've been seeing on TV for now, because I still eat there on occasion and dwelling on the possibility that the nice young man who makes my turkey-bacon-guacamole (minus the bacon, no ranch) might be fornicating with the sandwich toaster may force me to go to that crappy Chinese place next door for lunch instead.

No, I'm more interested in the inexplicable reappearance of commercials for Natural Light beer. Sure, they've had commercials before (the Mick!), but the latest line of "Nattyism" spots seem to miss the key selling point of Natty Light entirely. Namely: that it's mathematically impossible to get too drunk from it.

You might think trumpeting a beer's inability to make you black out might be a questionable marketing strategy, but it all depends on your ultimate drinking goals. All-weekend poker game? 54 holes of golf? Driving from El Paso to Los Angeles? Obviously you want something that will help you maintain an even buzz while not significantly hampering your faculties, and NatLight is a solid choice. My friend Colby even wrote a song, "O Natural Light" (set to the music of "O Tannenbaum") to offer tribute to the brew that's seen us through dozens of tubing trips down the Frio and Guadelupe. A sample:

I'll drink you hot
I'll drink you cold
I'll drink you when
You're very old

As useful as Natural Light is, however, its 95 calories per can (on par with Iron City Light) seem almost Triple Bock-ian in comparison to the ultimate camping beer: Pearl Light. At only 68 calories a can and something like 2% ABV, I'm pretty sure it's legal to actually drink Pearl Light while driving a school bus in the state of Texas, though I should probably look that up.

Put another way, the a case (24 cans) of Pearl Light contains 1632 calories. That's roughly the equivalent of three Wendy's Big Bacon Classics (580 calories each), two McDonald's Big Xtras with Cheese (810 calories each), one Carl's Jr. Double Six Dollar burger (1520), or one large White Castle chocolate shake (1680).

I'm not sure what this has to do with anything, except I haven't gone camping/tubing in over a year and so my beer consumption has dropped to dangerous pre-college levels.

"What music do you put on to put your wife in the mood? 'Love Gun' or 'Subdivisions?'"

Metal Weekend on VH1 Classic has taught (and in some cases, re-taught) me many things:

+ Appetite for Destruction is that rarest of albums: note perfect wire to wire
+ Japanese band Loudness had, like, six videos
+ That Metal Show is more informative than the BBC and C-SPAN combined
+ Rik Emmett really made some...unfortunate wardrobe choices
+ Forced to adhere to present-day standards for music video attractiveness, Udo Dirkschneider would still be fucking awesome.

Some other "highlights:"

The Mets are pond scum, but Mike Piazza is pretty funny. Plus: Maiden vs. Priest:

Is there anything more heartbreaking than an empty playground? White Lion doesn't think so:

The Throwdown: Zeppelin vs. Sabbath - Yngwie's answer: "Deep Purple:"

Jani Lane laments the fact that "Cherry Pie" tarnished Warrant's good name. Of course, he manages to forget the rest of their ouevre consisted of shit like this:

Udo!

Vinnie! Just horrible. And that's Mark Slaughter lipsynching over Robert Fleischman's caterwauling lyrics. This is the real reason the Taliban hate us.

What did Patricia Arquette do before Medium? She made Dokken videos. Duh.

Finally, here's some Maiden:

Without a tear I draw my parting groan.

So...

I guess there aren't going to be a lot of laughs on Battlestar Galactica this season.

Promise her everything
But give her zucchini

There was a commercial on TV tonight for some microwavable quiche...things. The theme was "having happy hour at home," and the commercial concludes with the young husband and wife sitting down to a plate of appetizers and a couple glasses of wine. Predictably, I'm unable to keep my mouth shut.

Me: Treat your wife like a random bar skank, just like the first night you met.
The Wife: I'm ignoring you.
Me: Experience the thrill of withholding your HIV infection from her all over again.
The Wife: Jesus, the shit that goes through your head.

I never got to describe the end of the scenario, where all his friends are hiding in the closet and under the bed while they get it on.

Good Timing Award

I like how Fitness Connection is advertising their $9.95 a month special as coming "just in time for the holidays." On December 22nd, it's comforting to know I can still erase 11 1/2 months of Sam Smith's Oatmeal Stout and late-night peanut butter sandwiches with two days of machine assisted bench presses and 20 minutes of elliptical on resistance 3.

It might have to wait until Wednesday, though. I put away a lot of Sam Smith's watching the Bears game tonight.

Thoughts regarding the series finale of The Shield

Sheeeeeeeit.

Man in the box

I gave Heroes more of my valuable free time than multiple alternate future plotlines and Suresh doing his best audition for The Fly III warranted. Luckily, I found another way to get my Adrian Pasdar fix while digging around Half-Price Books last weekend:

Three episodes in and I'd forgotten how good this was. Look past the goofy Lawnmower Man computer effects, the creepy/annoying stepmom, and the way-too-Stephen J. Cannell soundtrack and you've got a show that was years ahead of its time. Granted, in a post-Sopranos/Dexter/The Shield world the existence of a sociopathic protagonist who blackmails and murders his way up the corporate ladder seems almost quaint, but in 1996 people couldn't turn away from a character who uttered lines like "Sorry Mom, but servicing you tonight is the least of my concerns" fast enough. Fox, already notorious for series infanticide, cut its run after four episodes.

And there's nothing like seeing the look on someone's (like your spouse's) face when they see that closing shot in the pilot for the first time.

"Dad, there are other wipes besides star wipes."

I'd never heard of Charlie Brooker until last weekend, when I saw his BBC review show Screenwipe for the first time, and now I want his job. Here he is eviscerating My Super Sweet 16:

It doesn't hurt that the English have some of the best insults.

Fortunately for whining snotface, the party goes with a bang: she enters looking every inch the cosseted flesh-waste she is, and she and her nauseating idiot scumbag friends party on into the night, dancing, shrieking, acting like pillocks, and generally making you feel like getting down on your knees and praying for a nuclear holocaust.

Once more into the Preach

Oh...darn.

Fans won't be seeing an adaptation of Garth Ennis and Steve Dillon's Preacher on HBO.

Mark Steven Johnson, who wrote the pilot and was set to serve as an executive producer, tells Comics Continuum that the new head of the cable network thought the series "was just too dark and too violent and too controversial."

"It was a very faithful adaptation of the first few books, nearly word for word," says Johnson, who directed Daredevil and Ghost Rider. "They offered me the chance to redevelop it but I refused. I've learned my lesson on that front and I won't do it again. So I'm afraid it's dead at HBO."

Plans for the one-hour TV series, announced in November 2006, were welcome news for fans who had been disappointed when a previous attempt to adapt Preacher as a feature film was abandoned.

"Too dark and too violent and too controversial." I'm sure that's what the suits at HBO told Johnson to his face while muttering when he left the room, "We're going to put a long-running miniseries in the hands of the guy who directed two of the worst comic adaptations since that Captain America movie where Steve Rogers drove a Good Times van? Let's make a vampire show instead."

I greeted news of a Preacher miniseries with an emphatic "meh." The comic series had its moments, but Ennis' best work has been on Hellblazer (which Hollywood already screwed up) and The Punisher (which Hollywood is in the process of screwing up...again). HBO - Generation Kill aside - may be staring at a serious lack of original drama, but they're apparently not willing to hand their future to the guy who tried to turn Daredevil into Diet Batman (though in his defense, Ghost Rider was a losing proposition from the start).

And now, for no reason, here's a pic of Cap's van from the 1979 TV show. Note the inconspicuous way the Captain America cycle is sitting on the back of the goddamn vehicle. Way to preserve that secret identity, Rogers.

And were loners driving vans less creepy 30 years ago?

"You're such a Pollyanna, Egon."

Apparently Saturday morning cartoons still exist. And here I'd thought the advent of satellite TV and a 24-hour cartoon channel killed them off entirely, but no, I see the networks wheezing along with a handful of Spider-Man and Ninja Turtle toons scattered amongst the Hannah Montanas and Ravens. I don't really have any editorial comment to make, beyond the usual lamentations about not being able to sleep in until 11 like my parents because the offspring are zombifying in front of the TV.

And certainly, there was a lot of garbage on the tube back in the 70s and 80s, when I first learned you could watch TV for five hours straight and not go into convulsions. We can try to blame the hazy prism of nostalgia, but really there was no excuse for sitting through shit like Jabberjaw and Captain Caveman.

And yet I never actually watched The Real Ghosbusters when it originally aired. The 1984 movie is still one of my favorite comedies (and has the distinction of being the first VHS tape the Vonder Haar family ever purchased), but by 1986 Saturday mornings were all about either mowing the lawn or sleeping off the previous night's beer shotgunning contests. I got caught up with the show in college (my friend Shane had a thoroughly frightening assortment of recorded 80s programming), and this episode in particular stuck out. I couldn't believe I was watching a kid's cartoon about the Great Old Ones, but there you go (via MetaFilter).

"The Collect Call of Cathulhu[sic]"[1] was written by Michael Reaves and edited by J. Michael Straczynksi (one assumes the Ghostbusters' previous dealings with the supernatural boosted their SAN enough to properly deal with horrors from beyond space and time). I love it all: the Raiders style ending, "Alice" Derleth, no Slimer. The first season really was the best, though the whole run...reportedly...is coming to DVD this fall. And the new video game should be out for the Wii early next year.

I have a sudden urge to go shotgun a beer.

[1] Good old Chaosium, always ready with a lawsuit

"Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it."

Started out a typical Sunday morning: drinking coffee, tinkering with next week's fantasy baseball lineup, enduring another episode of The Backyardigans, and reading about G4's latest attempt to usher in the end of civilization, Hurl!

Representing an entirely new type of competition, HURL! combines competitive speed-eating with intense physical challenges all designed to shake up the competitors...it's an eating competition with an extreme sports chaser.

With HURL!, participants are subjected to a series of challenges: Spiraling down a tunnel in a steel cage ball after eating multiple bowls of clam chowder...saddling up for a bucking, spinning, spew-inducing thrill ride on the mechanical bull after downing some franks n' beans...and much more! Last contestant to spew wins a cool grand plus bragging rights as an "Iron Stomach Champion."

The hazmat suits are a nice touch.

As someone who once engaged in this kind of behavior for free*, I can't fault anybody humiliating themselves for a cool G. But it makes me wonder how long before we see the following programs:

CRAP! - After downing unhealthy amounts of four-alarm chili, prunes, and All-Bran, the competitors consume steadily increasing quantities of laxatives. Those that survive the initial stages must then contend with the Enema Round.

NUT! - Contestants engage in frottage and high school-level making out with second tier porn stars until release is imminent, then attempt to hold out as select dancers from the Cheetah grind on their pelvises. The last one to bust in his pants earns bragging rights as "Blue Balls McGinty."

BLEED! - The lucky participants endure wounds ranging from paper cuts to wounds inflicted by straight razors and chainsaws. The winner is the one who...doesn't die.

I think any of these would make a great double-bill with Cheaters.

* Wolfing down $5 worth of Mexican food from Pepe's, shotgunning three beers, and sprinting up and down the ramps at Kyle Field. Last one to spew won eternal glory or something.

"Life's sweetest reward..."

There's a nostalgia post on MetaFilter about The Love Boat, a show I've been unable to purge from my memory banks, in spite of decades spent murdering brain cells to achieve that very result:

If you were a North American kid (well, a kid stuck at home, younger than driving age) in the late 70s/early 80s, your Saturday nights were likely spent in front of the television watching The Love Boat. The show subsequently gained worldwide popularity. Did you know that the Pacific Princess is still ferrying the lovelorn across the blue abyss, and that she has a bridgecam? Did you know there were Love Boat action figures? For your nostalgic pleasure: complete episode guide, complete guest star list, theme song video (variations 1, 2, 3), lyrics and chords, and song facts.

Hey, I was a North American kid stuck at home in the late 70s/early 80s. This post is relevant to my interests.

Here's how Saturday nights went down at our house: Love Boat at 8, Fantasy Island at 9 (my ineptness with the opposite sex can, in part, be traced to the diabolical influence of Aaron Spelling). I'd try to stay awake through the news at 10 so I could watch Saturday Night Live, though I usually started crapping out around 11:45, when the second musical number aired. About half of the time I'd get my second wind in time to watch Monty Python on KUHF at midnight with Dad, but rare was the day I could last to the end of Doctor Who, which started at 12:30.

It isn't like we had a lot of options in 1978, what with a whopping four channels, and yet the subsequent 30 years haven't done a lot to cushion the memory of how bad TV was back then. What's worse, I just spent an inadvertant five minutes watching Keeping Up with the Kardashians and was forced once again to come to terms with the fact that we've gotten a hell of a lot dumber since.

For a while I only retained vague memories of the show itself, and I didn't watch it much after 1982, (my change in Saturday night activities not so strangely coinciding with the onset of my teen years), robbing me of the pleasure of seeing Julie's sister Judy McCoy and the sublime Ted McGinley as "Ace," the ship's photographer. I do remember how great it was that everyone on a cruise ship became your friend for a weekend, and that Bernie Kopell set the improper doctor-patient relationship bar so high even George Clooney couldn't clear it

And then I went to college. There's a huge gap in my TV viewing history for the years 1987-1990, when I didn't own a TV, but as freshmen a group of us regularly fled the confines of UT's Jester dormitory and wandered across I-35 to our friend Kyle's place so we could smoke harmless tobacco and watch shitty TV, including late night Love Boat reruns And if you haven't checked the show out since the advent of AIDS, you really should. Even in 1988, we callow youths were amazed to (re)discover that absolutely everyone on something called a "Love Boat" was making the sign of the two-humped whale.

Every show was the same: Act I introduced "guest stars" like Jamie Farr and Barbi Benton, establishing each of their particular dilemmas. The next two acts portrayed the characters dealing with their own brand of heartache, as well as the burgeoning love they found with their fellow lizard-skinned/lesiure suit-wearing passengers. After the final commercial break came the denouement, invariably leading off with the guest stars (and cast members; that Lauren Tewes got around) leaving the cabin of whomever it was they happened to hook up with at the last evening's formal dance. When you consider that the captain, purser, and cruise director were likely boning a different stranger every week (and Doc Bricker was probably slipping roofies to three times that number), it's hard not to see the Pacific Princess as a potential plague boat.

Of course, our reaction was not: "What a curious juxtaposition between latter-era sexual revolution mores and those foisted upon us by the current chilly sexual climate" but rather the plaintive lament that we were all stuck going to college with a bunch of women who'd been taught that one-night stands were potentially deadly and to be avoided at all costs. Not the kind of females likely to listen to a skeevy ship's bartender telling them to "go for it."

More's the pity.

I hope the theme song is "Emotion Lotion"

It's gratifying to complain about something (the demise of Mr. Show with Bob and David) and receive a favorable resolution in so short a span of time.

I'd say it's "oddly" gratifying, except there's nothing odd about it. While I'm at it, I'd like to bemoan my lack of ten million dollars and chiseled six-pack abs.

Anyway, Bob Odenkirk and David Cross are returning to TV (via MetaFilter):

The "Mr. Show" duo of Bob Odenkirk and David Cross are returning to HBO with "David's Situation," a new comedy pilot starring Cross.

Odenkirk and Cross co-wrote the project, which will star Cross as himself. He leaves Hollywood to move into a suburban, gated community where he has two roommates, a right-wing conservative and a liberal hippie.

"We feel it's really strong and important to the health of America," Cross and Odenkirk wrote about the project on their Web site, BobAndDavid.com.

Odenkirk will direct the pilot, which is slated to film in May. Odenkirk and Stu Smiley will executive produce, with Dionne Kirschner serving as producer.

The premise sounds like it could go either way. Cross playing himself could easily become a chore, and casting the roommates will be key (Mr. Show regular Paul F. Tompkins would make a great conservative), but I'll most definitely check it out.

And just when I was about to cancel HBO. Fuckers.

In other news, my vaguely insensitive review of Drillbit Taylor is up.

"That's cold, Obi-Wan."

A revelation came upon me while watching that T-Mobile commercial where Charles Barkley offers to put Dwayne Wade in his "five" (which is apparently a gift on par with Lillian Russell's bicycle) if he sinks a putt. Wade - of course - doesn't, and Sir Charles' phone is safe.

That's when a vision, unbidden, came to me. It was an image of Barkley's cell phone screen. Specifically, his five...

And they were all Michael Jordan.

"Come with me if you want to moue."

I'd like to start off by telling the Fox network I'm watching Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles in spite of their wholly obnoxious advertising blitzkrieg during the last two weeks' worth of NFL games.

In a word: uneven. I know it takes place following Terminator 2 (at some point the optimism of the end of that movie gives way to the paranoia of the pilot episode). According to reliable sources (some dude I talked to at Fry's) the TV show follows a different timeline than the movies, which only makes sense when you remember John mentioning Sarah died of luekemia in 1997. Instead, they leap forward to 2007 to prevent the creation of SkyNet, as the late, lamented Miles Dyson apparently had less to do with that then we'd been previously informed. Wouldn't he be pissed.

Beyond that, I'm not sure how far they can take it. The formula so far seems pretty straightforward: Sarah, John, and cyborg ingenue "Cameron" make a little headway in obtaining information or tracking down leads...and then Cameron whales on another Terminator, usually played by another in a succession of rejects from the latest casting call for "Stomp."

Whatever. I'm a huge fan of the original Terminator, which my cadre of nerds and I watched endlessly on those long summer afternoons in high school when our fellow students were at the pool, interacting with other human beings. I love everything about that movie, from the underappreciated Michael Biehn to Linda Hamilton's breasts to Bill Paxton's "I think this guy's a couple cans short of a six-pack" to Reese's awesome fucking Nike Vandals to the flashback scene where the HK rolls over the mountain of human skulls. I've even grudgingly come to accept Brad Fiedel's annoying "nee-noo nee-ner" Casio keyboard musical score.

As for the TV show...

The Good:
+ Lena Headey - The 300 and Brothers Grimm actor is pretty decent as the Mother of the Future, even if that future is a whiny bastard.
+ The In-Jokes - I like that you need to have seen at least the first two movies to know exactly what's going on. And if that thing Cameron put together in the bank vault wasn't a Phased Plasma Rifle (in 40 watt range), well, I'll go eat a pair of Nike Vandals.
+ Expansion of the mythology - The adult John Connor sent Protectors back to the 1960s? Other resistance fighters are acting in the present day? Makes sense, actually.

The Bad:
- John Connor - I don't necessarily blame Thomas Dekker, especially since modern times more or less dictate that any televised teenager has to be an insufferable emo prick. I'm just having a hard time reconciling this brooding twerp with Edward Furlong's T2 delinquent.
- Time travel - It's best not to think about the infinite complexities involved with the repeated use of time travel; I find killing my brain with beer when it asks annoying questions helps. Quentions like: "Why didn't SkyNet just send a Terminator back to kill the "O'Connors" in 17th century Ireland? Do you think Sarah and John's ancestors could outrun a murderous cyborg on on a draft horse? Or what about Reese's ancestors? They have no knowledge of their son's heroic (and sexy) future, hence easy pickings?"

The Maybe
* Cameron - Obviously the female Terminator precedent has already been set, and it would be pretty weak to suggest SkyNet wouldn't use both sexes for their dirty work. What I have yet to see explained is why Cameron can imitate human emotions and interactions when the T-101s can't. Also, what kind of alloy is she made out of? The old Terminators supposedly weighed on the order of half a ton, even if Cameron only weighs half that, how was Sarah able to wheel her out the window? And while I realize we live in the era of One Tree Hill and other such garbage, and while I've seen proof of Summer Glau's ass-kickery in Firefly and Serenity, it's going to take a while for me to buy her as something that "doesn't feel pity or remorse."

Meh, I'll keep watching. In a world where the ongoing writer's strike has given rise to the rebirth of American Gladiators and a new era of game shows, I'll take what I can get.

"We have something to say here. This is not strictly entertainment."

Christmas came a little late this year. Don't feel bad, one of my best gifts was the debut of Season 5 of The Wire tonight.

Look, I've been pretty much shouting at the rain about this show for five years. Half the APCB entries in this category are probably related to it. Every major TV critic and publication have described it as everything from "the best series on TV, period"[1] to "deserving of the Nobel Prize for Literature."[2] I may have turned a handful of people on to it, and if any of my blog entries compels someone to go get the first four seasons on DVD and check them out for themselves, I'll be happy.

But it's still a sad situation. This is the last season, according to creator David Simon, and I have to temper my enjoyment of each new episode with the realization that every week brings me one step closer to the end of a series that has been one of the only beacons of quality in a spectrum of televised crap. The Wire is the only show, bar none, that I go out of my way to make sure my ass is on the couch to catch every week at its appointed time; no TiVo, no tape. Make of that endorsement what you will.

For tonight, The Wife and I had crab cakes to celebrate, Baltimore-style. I got some 90 Minute Imperial IPA from Dogfish Head (a Delaware brewery would have to suffice, seeing as Spec's doesn't carry Baltimore City or Clipper City), and you couldn't slap the smile off my face at seeing Bunk, McNulty, Freamon, Bubbles, Carcetti, Marlo, Rawls, Daniels, Prop Joe, Carver, and Herc on my TV again.

I won't nag you folks again. Well, not until the series finale, and you have two months to watch the first four seasons before that happens, so get on it.

[1] Entertainment Weekly
[2] Joe Klein

"How can you be so blindly pro-Bush?"
"I like his wife Laura... I used to buy weed from her at SMU."

The only real problem I have with Weeds is that the intro song "Little Boxes" is, fundamentally, one of the most annoying things ever written. Even when Elvis Costello or...Engelbert Humperdinck is singing it.

That and I'm not really enjoying Nancy's recent sexaholism. She sure is putting the 'ho' in Showtime. Am I right?

Anyway, it's a good thing Mary Louise Parker and Kevin Nealon are so good. Who can argue with lines like:

It's a weed wonderland, Nancy. It's like Amsterdam only you don't have to visit the Anne Frank house and pretend to be all sad and shit.

And while Dana Delany isn't in any real danger, Elizabeth Perkins is hotter than she ever was in Big.

Goddamned TiVo

So what happened on Heroes after Claire picked up Mohinder's book in the driveway? Floaty Boy was just hovering above her, wasn't he? Wasn't he?

"Those are the facts"

The lack of quality Sunday night HBO programming these days means, on occasion, a split in viewing habits between The Wife and myself. Once She Who Shall Not Be Named hits the sack, I'll sometimes hang out in the bedroom to catch Family Guy and the rest of the football game, while The Wife checks out whatever show tickles her fancy that week.

Tonight, it was Desperate Housewives. I caught about half of the first season for reasons I can't adequately explain, but aside from being able to name most of the cast, I couldn't tell you what the hell is going on in that show. So it was something of a surprise to walk into the living room, glance at the TV, and see one of my most enduring celebrity infatuations staring back at me.

Me: Why didn't anybody tell me Dana Delany was on Desperate Housewives?
TW: [squinting] Who?
Me: Dana Delany. Sirens. Tombstone. Exit to freaking Eden. Hell, they sang about her in the Animaniacs theme song.
TW: Are you sure that's her?
Me: Oh, I'm sure.

She may be 51 years old, but I think I'm pretty open-minded in that regard. Besides, I'm no spring chicken myself, and judging by this picture (taken five years ago) I'd still be the ugly one by a country mile.

All that's left is this final confession: Mom, it may disappoint you to hear this, but I didn't watch China Beach with you on those summers home from college because I was eager to bond. Hope you understand.

All good things...

The end is near for The Wire, which just finished filming what will be it's final season:

It was early still -- about 10 p.m. on Friday -- and somewhere in Columbia, David Simon was giving a tour of the sights: There, he said, pointing, was the Baltimore mayor's office. Over there? The city's Western District police headquarters, and there, that little closet of a room, "that can be the visiting room at Jessup." Pause. "Or the jail. Depends. We just redecorate."

As he stood on a platform, taking in his world, it was hard to ignore the irony: For the past two years, a good chunk of "The Wire," the HBO show that critics have praised for the grittiness of its inner-city vérité, has been filmed in an anonymous soundstage in the burbs -- a soundstage that reportedly will be turned into a massive Wegmans Food Market.

After five seasons, and this final episode, they would be done.

"It's time," said Clarke Peters, who plays Detective Lester Freamon, "to pull the plug on 'The Wire.' "
[...]
Simon, who once covered cops for the Baltimore Sun, always knew that "The Wire" would end at exactly this point. From the beginning when the show debuted in 2002, he saw it as a visual novel, with each season a distinct chapter exploring an aspect of inner-city life: The first season examined the drug trade; the second focused on Baltimore's longshoremen; the third grappled with politics and the notion of reform; the fourth dug into education and the lives of the city's children. This season, which begins airing Jan. 6, explores the media, featuring a morally challenged reporter played by Tom McCarthy, who wrote and directed the indie film "The Station Agent."

"The Wire" has always struggled in the ratings; last season it averaged 1.6 million viewers per episode. But it's always enjoyed the admiration of critics, who praised it as being the "most authentic epic ever on television." Notwithstanding the giant soundstage, a good 50 percent of the show was shot on location in Baltimore, with real-life characters frequently sprinkled in with the fictional ones. Like former drug kingpin Melvin Williams, whom co-producer and writer Ed Burns, an ex-Baltimore cop, once arrested in a big takedown. Felicia "Snoop" Pearson, who did time as a teenager for killing a 16-year-old girl, made her acting debut last season, playing an assassin. Even Robert Ehrlich, when he was Maryland governor, made a cameo -- as a state trooper in the governor's office last season.

I'm resigned to the fact that more people don't watch the show, though it's annoying as hell. I don't blame anyone for not wanting to shell out $15 a month for HBO, but I suspect it wouldn't matter where the show aired. You could put The Wire up against reruns of Dancing with the Stars, According to Jim, Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?, and Two and a Half Men, and it would come in 5th every time. People don't necessarily like having to remember characters and plot details from earlier seasons, or - heaven forfend - paying attention to a TV show, because, well, people are apparently really stupid.

Said Wendell Pierce, who plays Detective William "Bunk" Moreland: "He told us from day one, 'It's a novel.' He had the novel in his head, and he wouldn't share with us."

It wasn't until last year that Simon told his cast that this season would be the last.

"If you get five years out of a TV show," Pierce said with a shrug, "that's pretty successful. I'm proud of it. . . . We showed the possibility of television used as an art.

"There are people who come up to me and say, 'I hate the show.' I accept that. They're still engaged. If at the end of an hour of watching 'The Wire,' if you don't feel bad, you should."

And then there's that.

It's not that long an article, go read it. And if you still haven't checked the show out, seasons 1-3 are available on Netflix and Amazon. And there's plenty of time to get caught up before the fifth season starts up in February.

"I'm bugging out!"

I have a few observations about HBO's recent lineup of Sunday evening programming:

1. I'm done with John from Cincinnati. Maybe one day they'll get past the pseudo-philosophical crap, Rebecca de Mornay's shrill harpy character, and the inability of the kid playing Shaun to act his way out of a paper bag, but five episodes (half a season) is more than enough, thanks. And thanks to you, David Milch, for quitting Deadwood in order to bring it to us.

2. Lloyd (Rex Lee) makes every episode of Entourage he's on 1000% better, and tonight's was no exception, as he added the perfect element of swish to Ari's plot to sabotage Josh Weinstein. "Woo woo," indeed.

3. I liked Flight of the Conchords better when it was called Tenacious D and was actually funny.

When the hell does season five of The Wire start again?

Back to the crapola

Does anybody know who I need to talk to at the FX network to get the season premiere of Rescue Me pushed up a few weeks?

I'm not asking because I'm particularly interested in seeing hack joke thief Denis Leary enjoy even more fame and success while Bill Hicks continues to moulder in the ground, or because I have any curiosity about who's going to rape whom this season, or even because it's a particularly good show. Of all the FX original series, I'd place Rescue Me somewhere below It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and just above Dirt.

But barely.

No, I want the premiere advanced so I can watch the season finale of The Shield (the quality of which Leary could only hope to mimic by disinterring Hick's corpse and using his skull for some arcane voudoun ritual) in fucking peace. The unending promos for the new season of Rescue Me - airing literally every commercial break - have made it necessary for me to either record episodes or pause them for at least 20 minutes so I can subsequently fast forward the commercials, something I really don't want to be forced to do for the final episode.

Oh, they're great commercials, don't get me wrong. The most popular one is Tommy driving a fire truck that he himself is also clinging to the back of. There's also one with Tommy in a fight on a deserted street...with himself. See, 'cause it's all about duality and torment within, which I guess wouldn't be apparent to us without getting beaten over the head with it every eight minutes.

If nothing else, throw me a bone and let Vic Mackey make a guest appearance and curb stomp Tommy Gavin once and for all.

"That's how I was raised, and I turned out TV."

It isn't that I've been watching more TV lately, I've just been really enjoying sitting on my ass and not moving or thinking. To wit:

+ I'd be a lot more inclined to enjoy The Tudors if Jonathan Rhys-Myers wasn't doing his best Joaquin Phoenix from Gladiator impersonation.

+ I missed last night's episode of The Shield, which means I missed the debut of Franka Potente, one of my many cinematic mistresses.

+ Wayne Rogers-era M*A*S*H is still funny.

+ The Heroes season finale is the only one I've watched this season, and it was far-fetched (Peter needed Nathan to fly him into the troposphere?), annoying (Sylar crawls into a fucking manhole?), and somewhat disappointing (Niki and Hiro comprise the epic team-up with Peter?). In short, it was just like a comic book.

I gave up on Lost and American Idol after their first seasons. And after Kelly Clarkson got all uppity.

+ I don't know what the Oxygen Network's mandate is, and I'm not sure of their stance regarding dropping a giant crucifix on a monster created through genetic experiments, but I found no small measure of satisfaction in watching Resident Evil: Apocalypse on the storied women's channel.

+ Many, many people have contributed money to send nuts to CBS to protest their cancellation of Jericho. This was to recognize Skeet Ulrich's character's "borrowing" General A.C. McAuliffe's use of the epithet "Nuts!" during the siege of Bastogne. As of this writing, almost five tons have been sent, which is testament not only to the colossal amount of time people apparently have to waste on this kind of meaningless bullshit, but also the utter lack of comprehension Americans have about the significance of the 101st Airborne's resistance.

And Skeet Ulrich sucks.

"Let's hurl a brick-e-mart."

Lots of doings and transpirings in the Simpsons world these days. In spite of the show's current incarnation being more painful to watch than a Full House marathon, this is still A Perfectly Cromulent Blog. If I don't respect my roots, I'm nothing but an intermittently updated vanity site relying more and more on YouTube videos and one-link posts with a minimum of commentary.

Uh, anyway...one thing the Simpsons still manage to do well from time to time is the venerable couch gag. I didn't actually watch "Homerazzi," the 16th season(!) episode this one was attached to, but here's the Evolution of the Simpsons:

Or, the Devolution of Moe, if you prefer.

There's also a movie coming out this summer, in case you hadn't heard. In honor of such an occasion (and obviously banking that a film based on a dying television property with no less tha ten attached writers is going to be really huge), certain 7-11s around the country may be looking for the sweetest Apu:

It appears as though the world's largest convenience store will get Simpsonized, though 7-Eleven Inc. said the deal isn't done yet.

But at a company event yesterday in Richmond, officials showcased their planned promotional efforts with major upcoming films, including "The Simpsons Movie."

If all goes as planned, the convenience store chain plans to refit 11 stores across the U.S. -- Richmond is an unlikely choice -- to resemble the front of the Kwik-E-Mart, the convenience store that Homer and other characters frequent in the classic cartoon TV series.

Customers also will be able to buy products inspired by the nearly two-decades-old show, including KrustyO's cereal, Buzz Cola and iced Squishees (the cup says Squishee, but the contents will be Slurpee).

Houston hasn't had a 7-11 in over ten years, since the Southland Corp. sold them all the Diamond Shamrock. So not only do I have to drink a year's worth of Slurpees in a few days every time I go to Austin, but I guess I'm going to need someone to take some photos for me if this ever actually happens.

Observation on a bleary Saturday morning

Captain Feathersword is a shitty pirate.

Fine, years of watching your acting career devolve into performing in front of toddlers has given your eyes a nice glint of insanity, and it's possible you're laughing all the way to the bank (though I suspect Greg or Murray held the purse strings pretty tight), but otherwise, just put on a skirt and get it over with.

Sigh. You people without kids have no idea what I'm talking about, do you?

All awards shows are bullshit

I may be guilty of paying inordinate attention to the Oscars, but only because movies are my life. Well, that and I'm always trying to find an outlet for my inner homosexual. Even if I'm self-aware enough to admit that they're rarely a true indicator of cinematic quality (Chicago? Crash?), I still enjoy the history and the dazzling sense self-importance on display.

However, I have no such attachment to other award shows. Which is why last week's announcements from the Writer's Guild of American and the Hollywood Foreign Press regarding their 2006 nominees were particularly aggravating:

Golden Globes - Best TV Drama
24
Big Love
Grey's Anatomy
Heroes
Lost

Writer's Guild Awards - Dramatic Series
24
Deadwood
Grey's Anatomy
Lost
The Sopranos

24 is a Sean Hannity wet dream, which doesn't say anything about the quality of its writing. What does is the laughable quality of the lines the writers put in Keifer Sutherland's mouth each season ("You are going to face justice?"). Lost has rapidly succumbed to the Chris Carter Effect, in which the show's creators are starting to realize the folly of not planning the show out beyond a season or so. Heroes is pretty decent. So far. And Deadwood - sheer tonnage of "cocksuckers" aside - is a good show. The Sopranos is coasting on former greatness, though it's still better than 80-85% of other TV.

I haven't seen Big Love, but I've already made a case for why at least three of the shows nominated by either organization don't belong there, and I haven't even gotten to the main offender: Grey's Anatomy.

As The Wife is one of the many unsuspecting citizens of this once great country apparently afflicted with alien brain parasites compelling them to watch ABC on Sunday nights, I saw a good chunk of Grey's' first season, and aside from the joy brought on by seeing Katherine Heigl in a bra, I'm at an utter loss to understand what the fuck the fuss is about.

I'm usually out of the loop in such matters, and whether this is due to my being out of touch with popular tastes or because I'm a contrarian asshole (as certain other members of my household have maintained), that's for history to decide. But I do know this: when a manipulative, simplistic pap smear of a TV program like Grey's Anatomy can be nominated by two separate bodies for best TV series in place of The Wire - a show virtually all media outlets (some three years after this blog, as it turns out) have trumpeted as "the best of all time" - it only proves my opening statement. No one who honestly valued "quality" over "ratings" or "key demographic market" could ever say with a straight face that Grey's was the better show. But then, nobody watching the Golden Globes, be they housewives tipsy on half a bottle of white zinfandel who use words like "McDreamy" without irony or nerds who continue to delude themselves that "4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42" will ever mean anything, care about the best show on TV getting any awards love. They just want to see what Katherine Heigl will be wearing.

And at least in that respect, I'll be right there with them.

That'll show 'em

Aaron Sorkin’s latest overwrought wankfest, Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, was reportedly in danger of getting the axe. Of course, these reports were coming from Fox News, an organization with little love for Sorkin, so fans of “good TV” can breathe easier knowing that new scripts have in fact been ordered.

Granted, the article remains cagey about the possibility of the show being picked up in the spring, so for those who simply have to make their voice heard, there’s a web site devoted to saving Studio 60, they even have a petition you can sign.

We, the undersigned believe in smart television. We have watched network executives cancel smart shows before-- shows like Arrested Development, Freaks & Geeks, FireFly and many more without giving them what we believe to be their rightful due.

Ah, online petitions. Is there anything they can’t do? Besides saving shows from cancellation, I mean.

The difference being, Arrested Development and Freaks and Geeks were shows one could watch without gnawing a hole in their own cheek. Studio 60 is – in the tradition of most Sorkin fare – didactic and repetitive. “Smart” television can’t be measured in words of dialogue spoken per minute, which Sorkin’s apologists seem to believe.

Beyond that, Studio 60 suffers from two serious problems. The first is NBC’s decision to depict the show as a comedy, which it really isn’t. There are (allegedly) funny situations, but things like last week’s blackballed comedy writer story (such current relevance) and the guy giving his dad the “Who’s On First?” album because he'd never heard it before(?!) are pure TV melodrama. It goes a long way towards explaining the show’s plummeting ratings, though it isn’t really Sorkin’s fault.

The second problem is, however, and that’s the ham-fisted political grandstanding the guy injects into everything he writes. It was understandable in The West Wing, which was a show about – guess what? – the Presidency. Hearing a bunch of TV writers (like Sorkin, coincidentally) pontificate on racial issues and HUAC and the like, on the other hand, is pretentious even by his usual standards.

Okay, three problems: Heroes isn't an appropriate lead-in.

And I've said it before (and I will continue to say it until I have converted every living human being to my cause) but if you still aren’t watching The Wire, whether on HBO, DVD, or the torrents, then you really have no idea what “smart television” is. Seriously.

He'll die for your sins

But not before he makes a bunch of other guys die for theirs.

If these comments make no sense, it's because you obviously haven't seen this teaser trailer for the next season of 24.

"Losing faith?" "Sacrifice yourself?" Honestly, given that this airs on Fox I'm surprised it took six seasons to make the Jack Bauer = Jesus connection.

"The lord loves a hangin'
That's why he gave us necks"

Hee Haw wasn't very high on the TV viewing priority list in my house. This isn't to disparage the fine product put out by Gaylord Entertainment and WLAC in Nashville (yet), especially since - on any given night - at least one Aaron Spelling production would be airing at Chez Vonder Haar. No, we just weren't quite the target demographic, i.e. folks who understood truck stop humor or the humorous "life lessons" of the Rev. Grady Nutt.

Apparently, we identified much more closely with two streetwise cops plus a snitch pimp and three improbably attractive private investigators who solved crimes in bikinis. Go figure.

Unlike just about every other show on TV, Hee Haw aired for decades. Debuting in 1969, it was a victim - along with Green Acres and The Beverly Hillbillies - of CBS executive Fred Silverman's notorious "rural purge" (Silverman showing for the first time the same forward thinking that would later cause him to champion such shows as Supertrain and Father Dowling Mysteries).[1] Hee Haw survived in first-run syndication, however, finally running out of steam in 1993, seven years after the departure of Buck Owens and 20 years after the murder of David "Stringbean" Akeman.

I could make fun of Hee Haw because...well, it's easy. The jokes were shit, the skits were painful, and the whole thing made Laugh-In look like Curb Your Enthusiasm. Still, I never would've gotten my first taste of bluegrass - and I wouldn't have been able to cleverly add that Ren and Stimpy quote in the title - without seeing Messrs. Owens and Acuff those many years ago.

And then there was this, thoughtully forwarded by The Thing That Walks Like a Man:

You can almost see the light bulb going on over Robert H Brooks' head.

[1] Silverman also executive produced Jake and the Fatman, which has no relevance to this post except for my recollection of the guy in my college German class who swore he watched nothing else on TV and would regale me with a recap of their exploits every Thursday. He asked several of us to watch it with him a few times, an invitation I regrettably declined.

Bad TV Ponderings: Rock Star: Supernova

My reality TV viewing experience spans the first season of Survivor, one of the Amazing Races, and - of course - COPS and Cheaters. I try to limit myself to the first couple episodes of any given season of American Idol, because that's when the most laughs are to be had, frankly, and mocking others from a position of false superiority is really what reality programming is all about.

In short, I'm not into the genre, so when a couple of our friends insisted we should be watching the second season of Rock Star, I immediately called for drug tests. The premise is all Idol: contestants mostly sing cover versions for a panel of judges, while their ultimate fate is hastened along by slack-jawed tweens absuing Daddy's wireless plan. Key differences: 1) the judges are actually the band for whom the singers are auditioning. In this case, the unfortunately named "Supernova," consisting of competent bassist Jason Newsted, adequate guitarist Gilby Clarke, and execrable drummer Tommy Lee (last season it was the non-autoerotically asphyxiated members of INXS). And 2) Viewers only vote for the bottom three, with the band making the ultimate call on who gets the boot.

I admit, we're weak when it comes to summer TV. Having exhausted all available (DVD-released) seasons of Deadwood, Weeds, Entourage, and still getting The Wife caught up on Battlestar Galactica, we're suffering from a lack of quality programming, so we caved and watched the last two weeks of Rock Star: Supernova. And only because Patrice Pike is one of the remaining contestants.

The Wife and I are Patrice fans from back in her Sister 7 days. The inherent problem with audience polling has been evident each week, as prepubescent females appear to resent the 30-something as someone their parents must have foisted upon the show. They've been voting her into the bottom three each week while less worthy participants, most notably Lukas, whose emo eyeliner and receding-hairline-poorly-masked-with-frosted-fauxhawk I can't look at without laughing, continue to torture us with grunted renditions of Nickelback songs. The band members, to their credit, seem to want Patrice to stick around, consistently ousting her fellow bottom dwellers. It's only a matter of time before they run out of scrubs, though, but we'll keep watching and pulling for her until that happens.

I hope she lasts a few more weeks anyway, after all, it's only a month until the fourth season of The Wire starts.

And you call yourself "cromulent"

Footage of the upcoming Simpsons movie was shown at the San Diego ComiCon recently. By "footage," I mean "animated storyboards," but you'll get the gist:

Clip #1

A nice sequence involving the famed mob mentality of the show, notable (to me) for showing Maggie squaring off against Mr. Teeny.

Clip #2

A Jack London-themed scene. Not sure what it's place is, but amusing nonetheless.

EDIT: Links fixed, at least until Fox pulls these as well.

Alan E. Ball Will You Please Go Now

Against my better judgment, I queued up the final season of Six Feet Under in Netflix. The Wife and I were faithful viewers through four seasons, missing the final one only because we were unwilling to keep shelling out $20 a month while waiting two years for the next installments of The Sopranos and The Wire.

I liked SFU at first, but the enjoyable black comedy of its early episodes quickly gave way to the angst-ridden laughless middle seasons. By the end of Season 4, I'd had enough, and I documented as much here at the time.

Enough alleged friends of ours sang the praises of the final season to make us give it another shot. And for a while (we've watched three discs out of five) it looked like they might be right. David and Keith's attempts at raising kids has been pretty amusing, as has Billy's descent into madness (but maybe that's just me). Plus, the elder Fisher makes an appearance (in one episode), which conveniently took place just after I'd subjected The Wife to a five minute diatribe about his absence.

And then there was tonight's episode, "The Rainbow of Her Reasons." Honestly, I don't know whether to blame creator Alan Ball or writer Jill Soloway...whatever. All I know is that the depiction of Claire's entry into the working world is one of the reasons people in that wide swath of America people on the coasts so amusingly refer to as "flyover country" hate Hollywood's guts. Certainly, some blue collar professions (roughnecks and firefighters chiefly) garner a modicum of respect (or not, depending on your view of Armageddon), but it never fails to amuse me how writers with no knowledge of an office environment view cubicle jockeys. Judging from what I saw tonight, they see them chiefly as sub-literate chuckleheads with no purpose in life save getting drunk and/or laid at every opportunity and quoting Mike Myers movies.

If the chance arises, however remote, that I rub elbows one day with these so-called gliterati, I hope I'm tranquilized enough by free libations to avoid urinating on everyone present. And I hope Mr. Ball and company realize the success of their show didn't rely solely on failed art school students and self-loathing gays. Plenty of 8-to-5ers watch quality programming, and few - if any - talk like Austin Powers.

Surprise surprise surprise

Even though it presents essentially the same information anyone who's been paying attention has been hearing since mid-2003, tonight's Frontline - The Dark Side - was a particularly comprehensive and damning look at the machinations behind the decision to go to war in Iraq, the pressures put on the intelligence community by the White House, and the depressing ease with which Tenet and the CIA folded under that pressure.

You'll be able to watch it online Thursday.

King Carlin vs. Annzilla

Hm, maybe "Annguirus" would be more accurate. Not as many people would get it, though.

Wondering what George Carlin thinks of Ann Coulter? You'll get a chance to find out this evening when the two are guests on The Tonight Show:

"Tonight" host Jay Leno might want to consider wearing referee stripes on Wednesday's show when Ann Coulter and George Carlin are his guests.

Coulter, the acid-tongued conservative with a new book out, and Carlin, the quick-witted, antiestablishment comedian who's in the voice cast for the new animated film "Cars," were booked at separate times for the NBC late-nighter, a spokeswoman said Monday.

But the duo's meeting could produce serious fireworks for "Tonight," which usually limits its political fodder to Leno's bipartisan monologue jokes.

Coulter, author of "Godless: The Church of Liberalism," has drawn fire for attacking the four New Jersey widows who pushed for an independent commission to investigate the September 11 World Trade Center attacks in which their husbands died.

In her book, Coulter accuses the women of "reveling in their status as celebrities and stalked by grief-arazzis. I've never seen people enjoying their husbands' deaths so much."

An appearance by Coulter on another NBC series, "Today," led to a prickly exchange with host Matt Lauer over her comments on the widows.

I'm not sure what NBC's infatuation with Coulter is, but the fact that this dingbat gets so much air time is maddening even in these days of televised wife swapping and bug eating. I don't even know if Carlin plans on acknowledging her presence, but it stands to be pretty amusing if he does.

Which leads me to a related question: how many variations of the seven dirty words can be applied to Coulter?

"If I'm a child, you know what that makes you? A pedophile. And I'll be damned if I stand here and get lectured by pervert."

I'm a Cops fan from way back. Like, on the old school season one tip. Boyee. It was mandatory viewing on Saturday nights in college, and watching the "men and women of law enforcement" dispensing hot, creamy justice provided just the inspiration I needed to go to the Continental Club and commit aggravated battery against my liver.

Now in its 17th season, its ratings aren't the best. Granted, they were never Cosby Show equivalent, but the show hovers in the 80s on the Nielsen scale. I don't see it going away anytime soon, partly because it and The Simpsons are the longest running non-news shows on TV right now. And Cops probably costs 1/100 of the increasingly moribund Simpsons.

But the show's getting stale. No matter how many specials you shoot at Mardi Gras or Sturgis, people get tired of seeing the same garden variety drunk drivers, wife beaters, and meth-/crackheads every week.

Cops is unlikely to change the formula, and thanks to watching more TV this week than I think I have in the last year, I've decided John Langley and Malcolm Barbour need to jump on the newest crime-o-vision bandwagon: namely, making a show based solely on Dateline's latest premise of luring pedophiles to an alleged meeting with an underaged kid and showing them getting busted. Last week's episode, subtitled "To Catch a Predator...Not the Cool Kind from that Schwarzenegger Movie," rated higher than The King of Queens, 20/20, or The Amazing Race.

All reality shows depend to some extent on your dislike of one or more of the participants. People hated Richard Hatch in Survivor, or the models in Amazing Race, or Joe Rogan on Fear Factor. But there were always those you found youself rooting for as well. Even with Cops you could usually find some pity in your heart for the guy who had a few too many and took a leak in the wrong alley. But an all-pedophile show would unite the country in hatred. It's like using Nazis as the villains in your movie, it's guilt-free schadenfreude.

Obviously you'd need some changes to the format. Instead of having Stone "Temple" Phillips or whoever coming out to interrogate the pedo, use a real kid as bait and let the child's family get an uninterrupted 30 seconds to "talk" with the guy. Then, after filming the dude crawling out into the driveway while bleeding from his ears and spitting out tooth fragments, have the cops come in and make the arrest. They could also film in different cities, and have audience interaction. "Guess Which Pedophile Makes the Most Money?", for example, or voting for the most shocking act unrelated to actual molestation, like the guy this week who brought his own six-year old kid with him the meet-up.

I'm not denying such a show would only acclerate our descent into the abyss, but I need the money, and expect a producer's credit for any shows that come from my idea.

So say we all

But what I'm saying is: when the hell does the second half of Battlestar Galactica's second season come out on DVD?

I fear for Helo and Tyrol's safety.

Question from a Battlestar Galactica noob

When do they run out of booze?

Bear in mind I'm only 3/4 of the way through the first season, but Tigh's estranged wife (along with everybody else, it seems) had a bottle of ambrosia for their reunion, and there never seems to be a lack of hooch at the card games. I appreciate the necessity of strong drink, especially when 99.8% of humanity has been eradicated, but it seems the imminent drought of liquor will be a bigger problem than restoring democracy or finding tylium.

On second thought, don't answer that. Starbuck just made the jump back to Caprica to find the Arrow and I'm deathly afraid of spoilers.

Jesus, that's one nerdy post.

I [heart] Studs Terkel

Caught Mr. Terkel's appearance on The Daily Show tonight, where he was promoting And They All Sang, his book of entertainment-related interviews ranging from the likes of jazz greats like Dizzy Gillespie and Louis Armstrong to blues and rock artists like Big Bill Broonzy, Bob Dylan, and Janis Joplin.

My first exposure to Terkel was in high school, when I absently picked up a copy of The Good War to go along with my Time-Life photographic history. It was also where I first got an inkling that WWII might be something other than the noble and heroic pursuit countless John Wayne movies had taught me it was. He's one of our last great writers, and I was impressd both by his spirit (the guy had open heart surgery a little while back, and he's almost 94 years old) and the unabashed reverance Jon Stewart showed toward his subject.

Any Terkel is a good read, but in addition to The Good War, you should especially check out Hard Times: And Oral History of the Great Depression and The Great Divide: Second Thoughts on the American Dream.

"Hey you, get that steel drum out of the, uh, mayor's office."

From the BBC comes this shocking news that Americans might be more interested in pop culture than their own government:

Americans know more about The Simpsons TV show than the US Constitution's First Amendment, an opinion poll says.

Only one in four could name more than one of the five freedoms it upholds but more than half could name at least two members of the cartoon family.

About one in five thought the right to own a pet was one of the freedoms.
[...]
Another finding from the poll, a telephone survey of 1,000 random adults with an error margin of 3%, was that 22% of Americans could name all five Simpson characters.

By comparison, just one in 1,000 people could name all five First Amendment freedoms.

I blame myself, really. I fear that by placing so much emphasis on Simpsons trivia - even going so far as to use the word "cromulent" in the title of this blog - I have led my countrymen down a hard road, away from a place where honest, hard working Americans might otherwise have spent their leisure hours reading civics books, engaging in serious dialogue about government, and eschewing mundane pursuits like watching television.

And I'll get right to rectifying the situation, just as soon as this Jaws marathon on TNT is over.

Man, that Lance Guest is one tall drink of water.

Hardy har har

Repost from the FT Blogs, because I'm just too emotionally drained after watching the latest episode of The Shield.
-----
It�s happened to you: you�ve been goofing around on the IMDb, looking up some obscure work of Swedish existentialism, French New Wave, or German scheisse. One thing leads to another and you suddenly - without warning - find yourself on the main page for the Hardy Boys TV show from the �70s.

You want to leave. Immediately. But the gooey tendrils of nostalgia hold you in place. �I remember this show,� you think to yourself. Sure, you read the Franklin W. Dixon books, and when your 8-year old self heard they were making a TV show about them, you nearly applauded yourself to death in a spasm of prepubescent enthusiasm. And yet, how could you know they were going to cast a couple of feather-haired blondes as your youthful crewcut heroes?

�Never mind that now,� you say, �I�ll just check out the credits list, see if there�s any associated trivia (there isn�t), and be on my way.� Then you scroll down and see the user comments, and your already waning faith in humanity gutters out completely:

The casting of Parker Stevenson and Shaun Cassidy as Frank and Joe was near-perfect as they complemented each other handsomely (pun certainly intended!) Parker Stevenson as blue-eyed Frank was very much the leader, taking the initiative and making the decisions most of the time. He tended to be headstrong but was more reserved emotionally than his younger brother. Shaun Cassidy played Joe as tending to be in his elder brother�s shadow and adopting a rather cynical view of matters. Although Joe generally conceded to Frank, he was more than capable of taking initiative and working independently (one example being his selfless rescue of a little girl from a fire in �Arson and Old Lace�). He showed emotion more readily than Frank (such as in �Dracula� when their father was seriously injured).

I belatedly discovered that these have come out on DVD, initially choosing to be horrified by the possibility that this guy memorized 25-year old episodes. I�m pretty sure I watched this show every week, but damned if I can remember anything beyond the Halloween team-up with Pamela Sue Martin�s Nancy Drew and that one time when the bad guy killed Joe�s girlfriend and tricked him into surfing in shark infested waters (I remember the song �If� by Bread figured prominently in the episode). You just don�t forget drama like that.

But wait, there�s more:

Edmund Gilbert�s role as Fenton Hardy tends to be overlooked although he was a real sweetie. He was dedicated to his work but always found time for his sons. Firm but benevolent, he admonished Frank and Joe when necessary but was equally ready to console them. The Hardy men made a very close family unit and I think this is what I liked most about the series. Most of the adventures featured Frank and Joe becoming involved in one of their father�s cases. The Hardys were intensely loyal and were always there for each other. This was perhaps best shown by their mutual devastation and subsequent joy in the episode �Sole Survivor� from the second season. (It made me cry. Watch it to find out what happened!)

Holy creeping jesus�

Fenton was a cop, right? I�m just trying to decide who�d emerge victorious in a battle royale between him, Mike Brady, Steve My Three Sons Douglas, Tom Eight is Enough Bradford, Jason Seaver, Steven Keaton, Cliff Huxtable, and Howard Cunningham. I think my money�s on Seaver�Alan Thicke is a real bastard, and besides, anyone would be homicidal after putting up with Kirk Cameron for that long.

ADDENDUM: I noticed this guy commented from someplace called "Gidea Parl, England." I'll leave the Bill Hicks fans to fill in the rest.

Good news, everyone

You've all been very naughty indeed.

It's late, to be sure, but Xmas may be coming for Futurama fans:

Fox TV`s Emmy-award winning cartoon series 'Futurama' may not be history after all, it was reported Wednesday.

Talks are reportedly under way at 20th Century Fox to revive the animated series set in the next millennium, Daily Variety reported.

The final original episode aired in August 2003, but like 'Family Guy,' it found new life on DVD as well as in reruns on the Cartoon Network.

In fact, the reruns have become so popular, Comedy Central has snatched the rights to them starting in 2008, Variety said.

As the article states, Fox would have to retrieve the production team (who scattered to the four winds before the final episodes even aired), and get the voice talent back. I hope they manage it, not just because I loved the show, but because Fox can use the karmic equilibrium after canceling Arrested Development.

Though I understand they also renewed Stacked for another season.

"And we won't come back 'til it's over"

"Over there (via Fark):"

FX has opted not to renew veteran producer Steven Bochco's Iraq War drama series "Over There," citing lackluster ratings, the cable network said Tuesday.

"I'm deeply proud of 'Over There,' which was beautifully produced, acted, written and directed," FX president and general manager John Landgraf Landgraf said. "The series was arguably the most critically acclaimed new television show of the year, a fact which made the decision not to renew it all the more difficult."

Despite a strong debut that drew 4.1 million viewers, "Over There" tailed off through the rest of its 13-episode run, averaging just 2.1 million overall.

The novelty wore off, and - I suspect - people got a little uncomfortable watching fictionalized recreations of events that were actually taking place.

I'm not a TV critic (my current gig provides enough self-loathing, thanks), but even I know there's usually a lag between the actual war and the television entertainment based on it. MASH debuted 20 years after Korea (as did the movie upon which it was based), while China Beach and Call to Glory came out after a similar interval following the Vietnam War.

Movies have started mimicking this trend as well. Three Kings and Courage Under Fire (to name two examples) didn't come out until almost a decade after the Gulf War, and neither of these were all that negative, unlike Jarhead, which is being released this week (and is a very good film, BTW). Black Hawk Down was about one limited U.S. engagement, and it didn't come out for 8 years after the battle itself.

Hell, even Clint Eastwood waited three years after Grenada to release Heartbreak Ridge. Grenada hardly counts as a "war" however.

The Iraq War will have to come to and end and be years behind us before people are willing to see attractive performers re-enact Fallujah and the like. This doesn't seem very likely, given the inexplicably high ratings it seems to have in the White House.

Too much horror business

The Horror Channel launches this Thursday...sort of:

The Horror Channel (THC), a leading broadband content provider of horror, terror and suspense programming, announced today that it will present a tribute to film director George A. Romero on The Men�s Channel at midnight EDT on Thursday, October 27th.

The Men�s Channel is carried nationwide on both cable and satellite. Programming will feature films, interviews, music videos and other content including great shopping opportunities for horror fans and collectors. Following the premiere on October 27th, additional programming from THC can be seen on The Men's Channel on Saturday nights at midnight (eastern) starting November 5th.

There's nothing scarier than a poorly worded PR release, boy howdy.

At least their acronym will provide teens with a convenient euphemism for pot smoking:

Dad: Where do you two think you're going?
#1 Son: We're just heading over to Danny's house.
#2 Son: Yeah, we're going to watch some...THC.
[both sons snicker]
Dad: Ah, the Horror Channel, off you go then.
#1 Son [sotto voce]: God, I hate him.
#2 Son: I know, I wish Mom had taken us with her.

All this is news to Dish Network, as their page still doesn't show anyting about a Romero tribute tomorrow night on The Men's Channel (I've checked it out, imagine watching nothing but commercials that air during Sunday football games and you've pretty much got the gist) or anything on November 5. I suppose I'll set the DVR for 11 PM tomorrow night and see what happens.

"We are thrilled to present our programming on The Men's Channel. This gives us a significant new opportunity to reach our core demographic of viewers," said Nicholas Psaltos, Founder and General Manager of THC.

Speaking as a horror fan, please don't describe bald, SUV-driving, erectile dysfunctional dudes as your "core demographic." We prefer to go by "hygienically challenged, nacho-scarfing, twitchy spazmoids." Get it right.

Needless to say, I'm not too optimistic about "THC's" chances, which I went into in some further detail here.

"Maybe it was the anthrax in the air, maybe it was it was the fact that the Arab women weren't biting, whatever it was, it was magic."

I'm almost too paralyzed by surprise to let you know that the Arab-ized version of The Simpsons isn't going over too well (via Fark):

When an Arab satellite TV network, MBC, decided to introduce "The Simpsons" to the Middle East, they knew the family would have to make some fundamental lifestyle changes.

"Omar Shamshoon," as he is called on the show, looks like the same Homer Simpson, but he has given up beer and bacon, which are both against Islam, and he no longer hangs out at "seedy bars with bums and lowlifes." In Arabia, Homer's beer is soda, and his hot dogs are barbequed Egyptian beef sausages. And the donut-shaped snacks he gobbles are the traditional Arab cookies called kahk.

An Arabized "Simpsons" -- called "Al Shamshoon" -- made its debut in the Arab world earlier this month, in time for Ramadan, a time of high TV viewership. It uses the original "Simpsons" animation, but the voices are dubbed into Arabic and the scripts have been adapted to make the show more accessible, and acceptable, to Arab audiences.

As long as they aren't planning catching "Lisa's Substitute" (Dustin Hoffman plays Lisa's Jewish teacher). Or "Behind the Laughter," where Moe talks about Bart spending money "like a teenage Arab." Or "Simpsons Bible Stories." Or any episode featuring Krusty's rabbi father. Or...come to think of it, I'd hate to be the guy responsible for making sure nothing "infidelish" gets through.

"Mmmm...soda" just doesn't have the same ring to it, either. Still, who am I to argue against the spread of American cultural imperialism?

But there's no guarantee of success. Many Arab blogs and Internet chat sessions have become consumed with how unfunny "Al Shamshoon" is. "They've ruined it! Oh yes they have, *sob*. ... Why? Why, why oh why?!!!!" wrote a blogger, "Noors," from Oman.

Some longtime "Simpson" fans who are Arabs are incensed over the Arabized version. "This is just beyond the pale," wrote As'ad AbuKhalil, a professor at California State University, Stanislaus, whose blog, angryarab blogspot, often touches on politics and the media. After viewing a promotional segment of "Al Shamshoon," Prof. AbuKhalil wrote, "It was just painful....The guy who played Homer Simpson was one of the most unfunny people I ever watched. Just drop the project, and air reruns of Tony Danza's show instead."

It's nice to know that hyperbolic expressions of dismay aren't solely the domain of Western bloggers.

Few shows have more obsessed fans than "The Simpsons," and their vast online community is worried about whether classic Simpsons dialogue can even be translated. One blogger wrote, "'Hi-diddly-ho, neighbors!' How the h -- are they going to translate that? Or this great quote: Mr Burns: Oooh, so Mother Nature needs a favor?! Well maybe she should have thought of that when she was besetting us with droughts and floods and poison monkeys! Nature started the fight for survival, and now she wants to quit because she's losing. Well I say, hard cheese."

And it looks like we just found the Arabic version of Comic Book Guy.

Forgive my cultural ignorance, but I have a hard time believing there's no absurdism in Arabic culture. As I said before, however, any establishment of common ground has to be a Good Thing, right? If West and East can both laugh at Mr. Burns singing "See My Vest," that's a start. Even if - assuming you eliminate any episode where "Omar" gets drunk - you're only left with about a season and a half's worth of episodes.

Then there's this guy:

A blogger, who uses the name "Nibaq," wrote, "I am sure the effort [of] the people who made this show to translate it to Arabic could have made a good original show about an Egyptian family living in Egypt, dealing with religion, life and work and trying to keep a family together. That way they can proudly say Made in Egypt, instead of Made in USA Assembled in Egypt."

Just for that, we're cancelling your shipment of classic Porky Pig cartoons.

"The masses of humanity will always have to suffer"

Always have to suffer:

Take note, the names have changed since last we spoke of this abomination, but it's still going to suck. To wit:

Bugs Bunny was "Buzz Bunny." Now he's "Ace Bunny:"

A martial arts expert and a natural team leader, Ace makes saving the world look easy. He's always cool and in control of any situation. Ace also has a very sharp wit, so you'll always catch him making fun of the bad guys right before he toasts them with his infrared laser vision.

That is indeed witty, toasting his enemies like that.

Lexi Bunny is still Lexi Bunny, not that it matters:

Lexi is definitely one tough girl - a gymnastic and acrobatic expert gifter with hyper-sensitive hearing. She's a confident, reliable and independent gal who's hip and always into the latest trends. She also has the unique power to blast away objects with her mind, a move she calls the "Brain-Blast."

Can it possibly get any worse? Wait for it:

[Danger] Duck longs to be the center of attention, but deep down, he thinks it's "despicable" that Ace gets all the respect. He wants nothing more than to be seen as a hero and recognized as a good leader. He has the power to teleport short distances (he calls it "quacking") and can also create magical power eggs and launch them at his enemies. Unfortunately, he hasn't quite mastered his powers fully, which can get him into quite a mess.

What, more of a mess than a MALE DUCK LAYING EGGS? Daffy Duck is fucking Nightcrawler now? And he has Super Mario Bros. powers? Are you kidding me?

How did our beloved Wile E. Coyote fare?

Tech E. Coyote is the smartest, most analytical and technical member of the Loonatics, very calculating and a natural strategist. In his spare time, he loves to invent all sorts of weapons and gadgets for the team to use on their missions. His powers work very well with his hobby - he is gifted with electro-magnetic capabilities, allowing him to lift and bend metal objects at will. Tech also possesses regenerative self-healing powers, which help him recover from any mishap.

That electro-magnetic shit would've come in handy with all those anvil mishaps. I don't think Magneto needs to get worried yet, however.

Everyone rememeber "Spaz?" No you don't:

Slam Tasmanian is the muscle of the tesm, possessing super strength and the ability to spin into a tornado and trash anything in his path.

Although he possesses great destructive power, Slam has a strong sense of justice and is always ready to use his powers.

Oh, enough of these great power/great responsibility questions (although "Slam Tasmanian" does kinda sound like "Armin Tamzarian"). Here's the last sad toon:

Rev is a high-energy roadrunner gifted with the ability to run at blurring speed. Unfortunately, he also happens to talk as fast as he runs, which can sometimes make it very hard for everyone else to keep upwith him. On top of his super speed, he also possesses a mental psychic radar which allows him to pinpoint and track down villains. Rev is also the only member of the Loonatics who can fly, which is why he doesn't need a jetpack like the others.

Check please.

Loonatics Unleashed debuts later this morning at 9:30 CST. Set your VCRs/TiVos accordingly.

And for anyone still curious, here's another shot of your childhood getting flushed down the toilet:

Have a nice day (and thanks to The Thing That Walks Like A Man for his reminding me about this. Your venomous snake is in the mail.

"It was just as if everyone had swelled."

I haven't seen the show Reunion yet, and as I have absolutely no intention of sitting through it even once this season, I won't even be able to devote what I'm sure would have been a worthy edition of Bad TV Ponderings to the show.

However, as a man fast approaching his 20th high school reunion, and who attended festivities associated with his 10th (though not the reunion itself...no open bar? WTF?), I can safely say that the show is already doomed.

It's not because of the gimmick, in which each episode of the show chronicles a successive year (tonight is 1986, next week is 1987, and so on up to 2006). No, I'm talking about something even more outlandish, which is Fox's suggestion that out of a group of six friends (three of whom are men) not one person became fat, bald, or both after 20 years' passage of time. The best they appear to have come up with is frosting one of the male actor's hair with silver spray paint.

Forget the new version of Battlestar Galactica, here's the year's best science fiction show.

"Coconut milk is a natural laxative. That's something Gilligan never told us."

Not much illustrates the disjointed nature of my thought processes over the last few weeks like driving down the freeway the other day, seeing all the flags at half-staff, and thinking, "Gee, they sure are making a big deal out of Bob Denver's death."

I don't fault Denver for Gilligan's Island, which gave everyone of my generation the cultural touchstone it so sorely needed. It was an awful show, really, but we watched it because - unlike "kids these days" - we had a bare handful of channels to choose from. It was either the entertainment trifecta of The Dick Van Dyke Show, Gilligan, and The Brady Bunch on those indolent summer afternoons, or soap operas. VCRs didn't exist, and one could only play Pong for so long before grabbing a steak knife and attacking the TV.

So it isn't Denver's fault that half the obituaries ran under the headline "Gilligan dead" (even though most did mention Dobie Gillis as well). I'm sure it was never the guy's intention to be famous for one role and nothing else, but such are the vagaries of entertainment, and he seemed to find peace with the idea in recent years. Perhaps a hundred media outlets saying, "So long, little buddy" wouldn't have upset him.

No word on how Jerry Mathers, Adam West, Leonard Nimoy, and Jaleel White are taking the news.

"Why don't you get things started?"

I wanted to highlight a couple of TV series that have gotten released on DVD recently.

First, The Muppet Show. I mentioned this a while back, but today's the day for Hensonphiles to go pick up Season 1 at their local electronics emporium. Pretty cool, considering the best estimate we were hearing from the Muppet Holding Company were "end of the year" for a release.

..."Muppet Holding Company." It's anybody's guess as to when we'll hear Miss Piggy's version of "Piece of my Heart."

In nerdlier news, the first two seasons of Gatchaman were released about a month ago. American audiences might know the series by the name Battle of the Planets or G-Force, which is how it was labeled over here in the late '70s and '80s, respectively.

I have no idea how the show will hold up after 30 years, but Battle of the Planets was, literally, the first TV show I would actually hurry home from school to see. Whether it was for the funkalicious '70s theme song or Princess' (Jun's) criminally short skirt, I couldn't say.

Slouching towards cancellation

They keep going, and going, and going:

Next season's guests on The Simpsons will include some old faces, some new ones and a Worm.

Returning for roles on the Fox cartoon will be Alec Baldwin, who appeared on the show in 2002, and Kelsey Grammer, who will reprise his role as Sideshow Bob, the network announced Thursday. In the season opener (dubbed "Bonfire of the Manatees"), Baldwin plays Caleb Thorn, a marine biologist who attempts to steer Marge away from Homer.

Baldwin previously appeared as himself (in the repellent 10th season episode, "When You Dish Upon a Star"), and - in what I thought was a much better role - as Leonardo Leonardo in the short-lived Clerks: The Animated Series. They've recycled celebrities before, sometimes to good effect (Albert Brooks), but bringing Baldwin back doesn't seem like the best way to breathe new life into a show that, more often than not, has been on life support since 1996.

But "Bonfire of the Manatees" is pretty fucking funny, I must say.

Former NBA star Dennis "The Worm" Rodman and NFL quarterback-turned-broadcaster Terry Bradshaw will make cameos as themselves for the annual "ghoultide" Halloween episode.

"Ghoultide?" Jesus...

Ricky Gervais, William H. Macy, Lily Tomlin, Frances McDormand, Rob Reiner and Richard Dean Anderson are all also slated to appear in episodes.

More perfunctory cameos, I imagine. The exceptions being Richard Dean Anderson (MacGyver woos Selma?) and maybe Reiner, whose ego probably wouldn't permit him to have fewer than 20 lines.

The 17th season of The Simpsons premieres Sept. 11.

As good a way to commemorate 9/11 as any, I'd say. If it holds up, this would be a nice change from starting the season in November, as they've done the last four seasons (making the "ghoultide" episode increasingly irrelevant). I rarely find much to get excited about when the fall TV season rolls around, but I'm a masochist at heart, so I'll be watching. Again. Until the show is unceremoniously yanked from the schedule in favor of a new reality show featuring monkey beauty pageants.

Comedy is not pretty

The Wife and I submitted a screenplay for Bravo's Situation: Comedy back...whenever they were taking submissions. If I remember right, we had to send in a script (I spent all of a whopping 45 minutes on it) and a series synopsis. I won't go into detail, because I still think it was a pretty good idea (The Wife came up with it, I just wrote a bunch of dialogue), and while I don't want to oversell it, I feel confident in saying it would've made All in the Family look like Family Matters.

Then again, after watching the first episode, I'm thinking 45 minutes might've been too much time to spend for what they were apparently looking for. An office comedy? Clerks in a department store? As for the winners, I liked the guys who pitched Stephen's Life with the kid, but the others seem like they're only going to become more annoying as time goes on (and I was hoping the writers for The Sperm Donor wouldn't make it solely so I could say "Shoe gets the boot.")

The thing that made me laugh the hardest was when somebody (not sure who) talked about how they wanted to make sure their "vision" remains intact throughout the process. I may not be the most experienced person in the entertainment business, but if I ever sell a sitcom to a major TV network, you can bet it's purely for the money. I'll save my ruminations on the human condition for the blog, because the only guys who get their vision onto something produced by the nets are guys who've been in the biz for 20+ years.

Straight (meat)ballin'

The Wife and I were watching Morgan Spurlock's latest, 30 Days, on F/X last night. This episode asked the question of whether it's really possible to live on minimum wage for a month. Short, and obvious, answer: no fucking way. But any good social Darwinist will tell you to lower taxes and let the market shake itself out, and everything will be taken care of.

Because that's how it's always worked in the past.

More entertaining than that depressing slice of guilt, however, was the exchange we had following a certain Dr. Pepper commercial. You know the one: a guy who looks like Abbie Hoffman is subjected to all manner of emasculating humiliations by his griflriend (Buying tampons! Folding panties! Yoga!) before finally putting his foot down when the evil harridan attempts to snatch his DP. And it's all set to the strains of "I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That)." Let's listen in:

Pete: This commercial annoys the piss out of me.
The Wife: Shh, I like that Meat Ball song.
Pete: Meat...Ball? You mean Meat Loaf?
The Wife: Right, Meat Loaf. What did I say?
Pete: [snicker] "Meat Ball."
The Wife: Shut up, you know what I meant.
Pete: [singing] "On top of spa-GHETTI." That meatball song?
The Wife: God, you're an asshole.
Pete: I loved "Ball Out of Hell."
The Wife: Look, zombies.
Pete: What? Where?

Thus distracted by the Land of the Dead trailer, I promptly forgot about the incident until today.

"Wanna see something really scary?"

While I'm on the subject of the Great Glass Teat (or was, 18 hours ago), I finally got around to watching Bravo's 100 Scariest Movie Moments the other day. I don't have a lot to say about it, since they (predictably) reserved what obscure stuff there was for the bottom 20 (Fulci's Zombie and Black Christmas were right there with Jurassic Park and Child's Play). Plus, it took me about two weeks to slog through all of it, so my recollections might be a little disjointed.

The complete list of movies is here. They don't give with the moments they consider to be the scariest from each film, though if you've seen most of them you can probably guess "The call is coming from inside the house!" would be there from When A Stranger Calls(#28) (and also every time I call my sister...she loves it), or "Is it safe?" would make it from Marathon Man (#65).

Then again, my list of scary movie moments may very well differ from yours. I didn't find Don't Look Now frightening at all, but Dirty Dancing turned my hair almost completely white.

And I probably don't need to remind anyone that RetroCrush did this already. And with some better selections, in my opinion.

You know what's next. Smartass commentary follows after the break.

Obviously, I'm not going to break down the whole list. None of us has time for that.

100. 28 Days Later (running zombies) - A) Not zombies. B) Already done 20 years earlier in Return of the Living Dead.

93. Child's Play (Chucky comes to life) - Really? The big movie poster of a doll holding a knife didn't clue people in that this might happen? Okay then.

86. Wizard of Oz (flying monkeys) - Fly, ape ass, fly! I thought Judy Garland's hair was the scariest thing about this one. Pick a length, girlfriend.

80. Poltergeist (evil clown) - As if you needed further proof that all clowns are evil and must be destroyed.

75. Candyman (she's been goofing with the bees) - The not-so-secret origin of Homer's "dogs with bees in their mouths" tirade.

72. Them! (mmmmm...ribs) - Interchangeable with the bus scene in The Deadly Mantis or the spider menacing the uber-hot Mara Corday in Tarantula, but I imagine they had to limit the number of bug movies.

69. Re-Animator (that's good head) - Scary? Not hardly. Butt-squirmingly oogy? Oh hell yes.

64. Near Dark (putting the spurs to the bartender) - I think the scariest thing about this one (and I'm a big fan) is the atmosphere. Setting the film in rural Oklahoma, which Jesse and company just happen to be passing through, is a great touch. It brings out the quiet desperation of their own lives, and the casual brutality with which they take the lives of others.

63. Deliverance ("Let's you just drop them pants") - Sure, what happens to Ned Beatty's character is horrifying, but for the longest time I went back and forth on whether Deliverance was a horror movie or a chase-style thriller. In the end, I think it is horror, for the simple reason that one of the central tenets of the genre is taking the ordinary and making it scary as shit. If a movie can cause you, when engaging in an otherwise normal activity (be it camping, showering, swimming in the ocean, or...uh, working on a space freighter), to recall the events of that movie and make you look over your shoulder, then it's done its job. Deliverance does its job.

59. Fatal Attraction (what's cookin'?) - Then again, Adrian Lyne's AIDS allegory makes you think twice about something you shouldn't be doing in the first place. Namely, fooling around on the toothsome Anne Archer with the mannish Glenn Close.

48. The Thing (1982) - Don't remember the actual moment, but was probably the blood scene. This should be ranked much higher, as it was one of the only times I regretted sneaking out of bed to watch a movie on HBO, due to subsequent sleep deprivation.

47. Nosferatu (Dracula rising) - Sure, there are scarier vampire movies out there, but think of the impact this scene had in 1922. I'll bet people were getting the vapors all over the place.

42. An American Werewolf in London - Damn. Again, I don't remember which moment they referenced. For me, the worst part was David running away while Jack was getting mauled, then turning around and going back. Because if it was your best friend, you'd have done the same thing.

38. Peeping Tom - Released in 1960, this was light years ahead of its time in terms of addressing issues of audience voyeurism and snuff. And it ruined director Michael Powell's career. Until he became head of the FCC, that is.

30. The Blair Witch Project (go stand in the corner) - For all the bitching about how overhyped this movie was, I saw it opening weekend and I'm not (too) ashamed to say it scared the holy fuck out of me. Its great internet word-of-mouth campaign shouldn't take away from the effectiveness of Myrcik and Sanchez's minimalist approach.

29. The Serpent and the Rainbow ("Please don't let them bury me") - I think Poe's "Buried Alive" is one of his most effective works, so obviously watching Bill Pullman staring up at the coffin lid while dirt thuds down on it kicked off a few of my panic receptors. Yet another reason I'll never go to Haiti.

22. Don't Look Now ('ware the dwarf) - Maybe it was the hype (a friend recommended this to us as "the scariest movie I've ever seen"), but was anybody frightened by the midget with a knife finale?

18. The Haunting (boom!) - Pound for pound, one of the scariest movies I've ever seen. A bunch of us rented this in high school and, jaded Evil Dead fans that we were, joked about the hokey '60s B/W ambience. By film's end, I was backed up against a wall with a blanket pulled up to my chin. A classic.

17. The Omen (might as well jump) - Probably more effective to me as an impressionable Catholic youngster.

13. Scream (Barry-no-more) - Back in the days before I doggedly charted the progress of films before they were released, I was actually surprised by some movies. Scream was one of those rare horror movies that took me by surprise. Pity all of the sequels (and #4 is reportedly on the way) were such crap.

11. Audition (not telling) - If you've seen this, you know the scene. This should be in the top five. I was honestly grateful that I'd voided my bladder before sitting down to watch this, as that scene stuck with me for months. Eli Roth, in one of his few non ass-kissing remarks during the program, accurately described the Asian film community as putting out the best horror of the last fifteen years. Hell, Miike alone could easily have eight of the spots on this list.

5. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (I guess you'll hammer later) - When I was in junior high, the radio ads for the TCM re-release scared me. The combination of grimy realism and the fact that it was Texas sealed the deal for me. I still don't own a chainsaw.

If I have any complaints about the top 5 (TCM, Psycho, The Exorcist, Alien, Jaws) it's that The Exorcist should probably be the highest. I know I've gone on and on about how badly Jaws freaked me out, and Alien is still one of the greatest pure horror films of all time, but The Exorcist is the only one of these that actually frightens me more the older I get. That's got to count for something.

I'd considered adding a list of my own, but I'm too tired and/or drunk right now. Anybody else have some personal faves?

Getting Lost

Found myself in the rare position of being home on a Wednesday night, and being too much of a music fan to ever subject myself to two hours of American Idol, I checked out the Lost season finale.

I did watch the first six episodes of the show or so before losing steam. The setup was interesting, and the idea that the survivors were stranded on some kind of Monster Island amused me, but - I don't know - I guess I'm easily distracted, and several shiny objects interposed themselves between me and the TV over the past months.

Even so, I was able to follow most of what happened last night. For my beneift, could anyone actually paying attention to the show answer these questions?

1) Where did "Dark Territory" come from? Did someone find a map at some point?

2) How did they know there was dynamite on the Black Pearl Rock>?

3) Are there any bad guys left? Sawyer has a heart of gold, Kate - it appears - was just misunderstood. Locke seems like he could be legitimately nuts, I guess.

4) Think J.J. Abrams reads a lot of Michael Crichton?

The finale was an amusing diversion, but I can see Lost sinking into X-Files or Twin Peaks territory, throwing out so many plot twists and red herrings the creators end up losing track.

Oh well, the one guy exploded real good.

Boob Tube Bafflements, #2

Who the hell is Tony Sinclair? Is he related to former Alberto VO5 spokeperson Rula Lenska?

Well, not everybody

Since 60 Minutes apparently felt its journalistic credibility hadn't suffered enough in the past year, they decided to air a story on Ray Romano last night. In an amazing coincidence, Romano's show - Everybody Loves Raymond - which also airs on CBS, is ending its nine-year run later this month.

I'm not one of those holier-than-thou types who utter the word "television" with the same distasteful inflection they might give "Velveeta." Or "Polish vodka." I don't watch much TV, but I also won't pretend that I've blocked out everything on my Dish guide except for Discovery Health, the History Channel, and C-SPAN2. I favor cartoons and Comedy Central, and I'm not above taking in the occasional CSI derivation or...ahem...Gilmore Girls.

That doesn't keep me from heaping scorn upon shows I've never seen, of course. I don't need to sit through the full 22 minutes of the According to Jim episode where Jim says something boorish and has to elaborately make it up to his wife (with side-splitting results) to know the show is an affront to all that is good and decent in society. Most TV shows, in fact, broadcast their malevolent nature quite readily in the previews. Watching Kevin James howl as he slides out of control on his ass down a ski slope or getting a glimpse of the "Urkel-Bot" are just further examples of how nature says, "Don't touch."

I'd like to say this same tactic has kept me from seeing an entire episode of Everybody Loves Raymond. Unfortunately, I have sat through exactly one. And I should apologize in advance, for I may have played an unwitting role in the show's longevity.

In the spring of 1997, yours truly (along with infrequent commenter TheDave and two others) traveled to Las Vegas for no real reason other than why most people go to Las Vegas (fine ceramics). It was Saturday afternoon and the four of us were walking somewhere behind the Strip. The time was about 4:00, the magical hour when that morning's hangover has at long last slipped away and that evening's bender is, literally, just around the corner (I think we were headed to the Barbary Coast).

A conservatively dressed woman (something that always catches your eye in Vegas) standing outside a small, windowless building asked us if we were interested in participating in a test screening for a TV program. She emphasized that it wasn't a pilot screening, but an existing show that was going to be retooled. I didn't see how that was much of a selling point, since a pilot at least had the potential to be entertaining, while a show going under the knife must have some serious problems. For some reason, and even though at least half of our party wanted to commence binging in earnest, I convinced them to follow this unidientified person into a building with no visible emergency exits and take part in the exercise. And to think we all had Master's degrees.

As those of you with functioning cerebral cortices have figured out by now (the rest of you have obviously arrived here by mistake from Michelle Malkin's blog), the show in question was Everybody Loves Raymond. It had performed underwhelmingly in its first season, and CBS - for some reason - felt that asking for feedback from drunks yanked off the street in Sin City was the best way to improve their troubled show.[1] I wish I had a copy of the questionnaire, but I remember being especially critical of such things as: the shrewish mother-in-law, the meddling parents in general, the precociously wiseass kids, and the already worn-out trope of the hapless husband. We turned in our answers, were thanked for our participation, and were dumped back onto the darkening streets of Vegas without even an autographed Doris Roberts photo for our efforts. We hit the bar as soon as out feet could get us to one, and it wasn't until a few years later that I saw a promo for the same show on TV and blurted out, "That piece of shit is still on the air?"

I then apologized profusely to my aunt's bridge club.

Trouble is, I couldn't tell you is the show's subsequent success (#30 in its second season, and no lower than #12 since) had absolutely nothing to do with my suggestions (as The Wife opines), or if my sarcastic comments were somehow incorporated and played some part in the show's resurgence. I tend toward the latter explanation, since I put "Clergy" in the "Occupation" field on my form, which might have seemed suspect given the copious amounts of profanity sprinkled through my comments.

On a slightly different note, ELR is one of the handful of TV shows in my experience where those watching (my grandparents, as it turns out) have consistently hushed entire roomfuls of people while it's on. The others are Murder, She Wrote (friend's mother), Buffy and Angel (former roommate), and Hunter (ex-girlfriend).[2] So make of that what you will.

[1] In that light, network programming makes a lot more sense.
[2] And the 1993 Stanley Cup finals (me).

UPDATE: As kodi points out in the comments, I already touched upon this very subject a year ago. So much for originality.

Boob Tube Bafflements #1

In which your humble author tries to make sense of something he just saw on TV:

What the hell does "100% Punch Juice" mean?

"Oh that. That's just Li-Li enjoying her lunch."
"Li-LI?"
"Yes, my longtime companda."

With The Wire off the air until 2006 and The Simpsons circling the drain of suckitude for yet another season, I have a new favorite show: The Venture Bros.

It airs on the Cartoon Network's Adult Swim lineup, and is sort of an updated version of the old Jonny Quest cartoon, only with better jokes and greater numbers of messily slain henchman. Dr. Venture is the clan patriarch, an insecure scientist unable to emerge from the heroic shadow of his father. His two sons, Dean and Hank, are gleefully clueless, causing consternation to both their dad and the family bodyguard, Brock Samson. Brock is essentially a heterosexual Race Bannon with better clothes and a streak of homicidal mania.

The villains aren't bad either. You've got The Monarch, the butterfly-costumed arch-nemesis of Dr. Venture; his companion, Dr. Girlfriend; Baron Underbheit, the iron-jawed (literally) ruler of Unterland; and Mr. Brisby, creator of Bizzy Bee and Brisbyland.

The show probably appeals most to guys like me who grew up on the old Quest show and others of its ilk, but its pretty goddamn funny in its own right (and it was recently renewed for a second season). I anticipate a DVD release soon, which will make it only one of half a dozen shows that I've caved in and bought for endlessly repeated home viewing. Go Team Venture!

Is it sweeps already?

If so, I just can't see that show they played last night getting renewed next season. The lead guy just sort of rambled, without really paying any attention to the questions the reporter characters were asking him. The dialogue was poorly written and I've seen better set design in Boy Scout skits.

Not only that, somebody needs to tell his agent that the whole "stammering redneck" thing went out of vogue with Mel Tillis.

"I do not sniff the coke"

"I only smoke the sinsemilla:"

Inspired by the notorious 1936 anti-marijuana propaganda film, Showtime's first movie musical REEFER MADNESS is a tongue-in-cheek raucous musical comedy about clean-cut kids who fall into a twisted, hilarious downward spiral of reefer, sex and mayhem.

Reefer Madness was one of the best movies I saw at Sundance this year (even taking into account the two days I lost thanks to the plague). It really does have something for everyone: a dancing FDR, zombies, a lounge singing Jesus, and cannibalism. And for you Veronica Mars fans, there's Kristin Bell dressed as a dominatrix.

Still, it's not that surprising this didn't get a theatrical release. I can't imagine too many American moviegoers these days are keen on hearing Christ sing about urine tests. If you have a sense of humor, and Showtime, check it out: Saturday night at 7 CST.

If not, rent the original and play show tunes over it.

On my way to where the air is sweet

A couple things crossed my mind while sitting through Sesame Street the other morning (or, as my daughter views it, the 35-minute opening act for Elmo's World):

Cookie Monster readily demonstrates his willingness to eat pretty much anything lying around, but would he resort to feasting on human flesh if no cookies were to be found? He ate a letter 'T' to see if cookies were stored inside it, for example. What's to stop him from devouring someone he just saw eating cookies for the same reason?

I'll point out that I can't recall ever seeing him actually eating meat.

Oh, and the bearded half of the two-headed Muppet (the one on the right):

Reminds me of System of a Down's Serj Tankian:

That is all. For now.

This is a Muppet News Flash

Awesome news, via Chuck:

Last November word reached us that The Muppet Show was coming to DVD in complete season sets. It was at a New York Henson event that Craig Shemin first publicly mentioned that Disney was working on season by season box sets of The Muppet Show.
...
It was announced in November that the first set would be hitting stores in 2005. This estimate seemed optimistic to some, but has now been confirmed by several sources inside the Muppet Holding Company as a very likely option. �The Muppet Show � The Complete First Season� should be in stores by the end of the year.
...
The video is reported to be transferred from their original British (PAL) tapes. Aside from working to get a beautiful transfer and mastering of the video, it is also said that the episodes will be unedited and will contain the UK skits. This goes to show how Disney is trying to create a collection of the episodes like never seen before.

The shows aired in Britain without commercial breaks, and contain lots of stuff American audiences never got to see. Needless to say, once the release date is announced, these will move to the top of my "must have" list.

Ahead of the Toby Keith action figure with patented Boot in the Ass(TM) action and the limited edition Jar Jar's Charred Corpse maquette, even.

Nerd on a Wire

There's some good news in the TV front, at least. As commenter Grotesqueticle noted earlier, HBO has renewed The Wire for a 4th season:

The critically acclaimed, Peabody Award-winning HBO drama series THE WIRE has been renewed for a fourth season, it was announced today by Carolyn Strauss, president, HBO Entertainment. The 12-episode fourth season will begin shooting in late 2005, with debut set for 2006.
...
Created by David Simon, THE WIRE wrapped its third season last December. The first season looked at the national drug war through the microcosm of a West Baltimore housing project, and the second season focused on a longshoremen's union and its struggle to survive. In its third season, the drama developed its portrait of a fictional Baltimore by exploring the place of the political leadership in addressing a city's problems.

Some time ago I mentioned that I would cancel HBO if they didn't renew my favorite show. I have a confession to make: I already canceled it. So sure was I that they wouldn't renew The Wire, I went ahead an pulled the plug. I think I'll manage to live in the interim, however: I'm not missing Deadwood, and Carnivale never did it for me. I'm also still getting caught up with Curb Your Enthusiasm on DVD, and my feelings about Six Feet Under's plot development are already well documented.

As for their other original shows, Family Bonds is interesting only from an anthropological perspective, and Entourage might be watchable if not for the presence of Adrian Grenier, who - ever since the pile of pelican shit that was The Adventures of Sebastian Cole - has been persona non grata on my TV.

But back to the good news:

The third season of THE WIRE generated wide critical praise. It was named the best series of 2004 by Entertainment Weekly, which called the show "the smartest, deepest and most resonant drama on TV." The New York Times observed that the series is "one of the smartest, most ambitious shows on television." TV Guide hailed THE WIRE as "smart and subtle, yet also brutally powerful," while New York Newsday declared THE WIRE "the greatest dramatic series ever produced for television," and Daily Variety called it "brilliant" and "meticulously written, superbly acted."

True words, all. And a 2006 air date means you have plenty of time to check out the 1st and 2nd season DVDs.

"Oooh, Navy Seals!"

The hell?

Here I was all set to tape CBS' nuanced examination of mankind's interaction with his marine surroundings, Spring Break Shark Attack, for viewing enjoyment next weekend when The Wife and Squab are out of town (preferably with about half a bottle of whiskey), and CBS ends up airing Navy Seals instead. Navy Seals? Was Highlander II unavailable?

The only reasons I can come up with (and both the CBS website and that of our local station still don't show any schedule change) are:
1. The NCAA Tournament ran long, and CBS didn't want to lose what few...ahem...idiot viewers were planning on checking it out anyway, in spite of all the horrendous reviews, by bumping it.
2. The network was being sympathetic following the fatal attack on a snorkeler in Australia this weekend.
3. Someone on the programming staff, realizing the network is on a downward spiral of mediocrity and lowest common denominator entertainment, single-handedly decided to do something about it, saving his soul and his sanity at the cost of his own career.

Nah, I'm going with the NCAA.

And you're the only bait in town

I am so recording Spring Break Shark Attack this Sunday:

Kathy Baker ("Picket Fences"), Bryan Brown ("The Thorn Birds"), Shannon Lucio (�The O.C.�) and Riley Smith ("New York Minute") star in this thriller about the invasion of a group of killer sharks on the Florida coast as a beach full of college co-eds enjoy their spring break from school.

What's better than sharks and hot co-eds, you ask? Sharks eating hot co-eds.

In a perfect world, this would've been a theatrical film co-directed by Russ Meyer and Dario Argento, but I'll take what I can get.

The cops named Frantz / They don't wear underpants

I was less surpised to hear that NYPD Blue had ended its 12-year run yesterday evening was than I was to discover it had been on the air all this time to begin with. I caught a few episodes in the Caruso era, but I got my fill of Dennis Frantz's shtick in Hill Street Blues. And frankly, I'm not sure how anybody kept watching after Zach from Saved By The Bell signed on.

But never mind that, the San Jose Mercury News has an article commemorating the occasion and - as an added bonus - listing its top 10 cop (America, law enforcement only) shows of all time. Listed chronologically:

Dragnet (1951-59, 1967-70)
Naked City (1958-63)
The Mod Squad (1968-73)
Columbo (1971-93)
Barney Miller (1975-82)
Hill Street Blues (1981-87)
Cagney & Lacey (1982-88)
Miami Vice (1984-89)
Law and Order (1990 - present)
Homicide: Life on the Street (1993-99)
CSI: Crime Scene Investigation (2000 - present)
The Shield (2002 - present)

Please. Dragnet made Adam-12 seem cutting edge. Cop shows pre-1968 should be disqualified solely because the studio execs behind them were still producing crap like The Brady Bunch and Laugh-In.

Of course, I never caught Naked City.

The Mod Squad was crap. Stylish and struggling to be hip, but crap nonetheless. I was a kid when I watched it, and even I knew this. The opening sequence was pretty cool, however.

Columbo had its moments, and I have to admit to not seeing many of the episodes upon their original airing. My mom was probably watching Centennial, which is the reason I never got to see the second season of Battlestar Galactica, but that's a traumatic childhood story for another time.

I would absolutely put Barney Miller on my "best of" list. And not just for the theme song. Great stories, great characters, and Abe Vigoda.

Hill Street Blues also gets a spot. I probably got my first meaning of the word "gritty" from watching this.

I never watched Cagney & Lacey, but my mother did. I'm sure she could give you some insight that a Y-chromosoner like myself probably missed. Miami Vice was also one of those shows I caught when I could, but never paid a lot of attention to. Even in 1984, I knew cops didn't live on boats with a freaking alligator. And to kids who already watched MTV, the show's "MTV-style editing" was hardly that impressive.

I've already commented on Law and Order here. I have no further comments, except that "ripped from the headlines" eventually works against you, as you automatically start looking to the most improbable suspect as the perpetrator.

Homicide, on the other hand, is awesome. Realistic characters, season-long story arcs, and compelling plots. This show was better than network TV deserved. I'm surprised it lasted as long as it did.

The same doesn't apply to CSI, which - though I hate to admit it - features one of my all-time favorite actors (Petersen, natch). The freak of the week angle, however, is getting old.

And so is Marg Helgenberger. I liked her in China Beach (overshadowed as she was by the glory of Dana Delaney), but it might be time to stop dressing like your daughter.

The Shield makes my list as well, if only for the end of season 2, where the Strike Team faces the ramifications of their take from the money train.

But enough of my bitching. Here are APCB's Top 10 Cop Shows:

10. TJ Hooker - My sister, who was all of 7 years old at the time, was the first to say how stupid it was that something had to blow up in every episode. I calmly shot her with my TJ Hooker-brand Riot Gun(TM).
9 Kojak - Accept no substitutes
8. Hawaii Five-O - Much as I love Thomas Magnum, Steve McGarrett would've kicked his ass.
7. The Blue Knight - A 1973 TV-movie ased on Joseph Waumbuagh's novel and starring William Holden, it's one of the most realistic depictions of a cop's life ever.
6. Hill Street Blues
5. The Shield
4. COPS - A Saturday night college ritual, and an inspiration. I'd get off work at 6, grab something to eat, watch COPS, then head out on the town to commit similar heinous acts of mild perversion.
3. Barney Miller
2. Homicide: Life on the Street
1. The Wire - I don't apologize for being a slave to the Best Show on TV. It makes every other show on this list look like Car 54, Where Are You? I've already articulated my threat to drop HBO if they cancel the show, even though I'm sure some other deluded goofball made similar threats over Mind of the Married Man.

Honorable mentions to Police Woman, and SWAT.

UPDATE: List edited to correct my recollection (in my own defense, I was 6 years old) of Kolchak: The Night Stalker being a cop show.

"But the senator, while insisting he was not intoxicated, could not explain his nudity."

With shows like Miami Vice and Moonlighting finally getting a DVD release some 20 years after their original airing, one critically acclaimed series has always been conspicuous in its absence from the ranks of the digital revolution. I speak, of course, of WKRP in Cincinatti.

Now, after years of speculation, we get the official word that we're unlikely to get DVDs of WKRP any time soon, if ever (via Fark):

WKRP in Cincinnati was one of the most popular television shows of the late '70s and early '80s, but it is unlikely ever to be released on DVD because of high music-licensing costs.

The show, which centered on a fledging[sic] radio station with a nerdy news director and wild disc jockeys, had a lively soundtrack, playing tunes from rock 'n' rollers like Ted Nugent, Foreigner, Elton John and the Eagles.

For many TV shows, costs to license the original music for DVD are prohibitively high, so rights owners replace the music with cheaper tunes, much to the irritation of avid fans. And some shows, like WKRP, which is full of music, will probably never make it to DVD because of high licensing costs.

"The indication from the studios is that we may never see (WKRP in Cincinnati) because of all the music that would have to be licensed," said David Lambert, news director of TVShowsOnDVD.com, a clearinghouse of information on TV shows released on DVD. "As the DJ spins the record as he's talking to Loni Anderson, if there is music playing even for a couple of seconds, then the people producing the DVDs would have to license it."

Hardly surprising. Reruns of the show on Nick at Nite and elsewhere have featured some of the most grotesque and hilarious musical filler instead the original songs that were played. This is a problem for a number of older shows whose DVD releases have been marred by music changes (Quantum Leap and Northern Exposure, for example, and both also mentioned in the article).

Fox Home Entertainment wouldn't provide an official release date for DVDs of the show.

"It's not totally dead in the water, but there is a huge obstacle of music licensing," said spokeswoman Shari Rosenblum. "It's being looked at and it's on the radar."

I have no idea how big the market for WKRP DVDs would be. The show was #11 in the Nielsen ratings for 1979-80, but doesn't appear in the top 20 after that. I wouldn't mind seeing the original, unaltered shows again, but probably wouldn't devote any rapidly shrinking shelf space to the discs themselves. Part of me thinks Fox is just being cheap, and part of me wonders if they'd actually make a profit once they shelled out for all the licensing fees.

And part of me wants to run off to Rio with Bailey Quarters.

It's worse than we thought

As if that one bowel-clenching tidbit about the revamped Looney Tunes lineup wasn't enough, the Thing That Walks Like a Man points me to an honest-to-Avery preview of the abomination. I'll give you a few minutes.

...

That team of monkeys WB hired must have worked overtime to scrawl something this dreadful looking on the walls in their own feces. Let's run down the roster of "Loonatics," shall we?

Daffy Duck is now, uh, Duck - Weapons Expert: No chance of hearing, "Well, whaddya know...it disintegrated," I suppose. Equipped with built-in sonar. Like all ducks.

Wile E. Coyote is now Slick - Vehicle and Surveillance: Yes, "slick" is a clever variation on "Wile E." And of course, Wile E. Coyote is exactly who you want handling your vehicular needs. In one of the few appropriate changes, he also has "regenerative abilities."

The Roadrunner is Roadster - Speedster: I'm reasonably sure roadsters existed in the 1950s, so I'm not sure how this name is really an upgrade. Nice to see he and Wile E. could put aside their differences to combat...what was it? Oh yeah, "giant mutated worms" and "supernatural warlords with plans of world domination." No 28th century equivalents of Black Jacques Shellac out there, I guess.

Lola Bunny is Lexi Bunny - Disguise Expert: Makes sense. It isn't like anyone knew who Lola Bunny was to begin with. She has "super hearing," which must've taken a lot of thought, given that she's a fucking rabbit.

The Tasmanian Devil is...sigh...Spaz - The Muscle: Which muscle is never specified. Perhaps it's his tongue, seeing as how he possesses "jaws of steel."

Bugs Bunny is Buzz Bunny - The Leader: Equipped with laser vision and martial arts abilities, this bunny won't be dressing like a woman to fool hunters; apparently he'd rather pull Elmer's pancweas out and choke him to with it. And that "What's up, Doc?" sounds suspiciously like Joe Mantegna's Fat Tony, which makes a certain sense. Fat Tony is a sterotypical Mob character, and Buzz Bunny is stereotypical over-marketed dogshit.

I'd worry that my kids will grow up knowing this version of the Looney Tunes instead of the originals, except I'd bet my bootlegged WWII Porky Pig cartoons ("Son of a b-b-b-bitch") that they don't last more than two seasons.

"Excuse me, but 'proactive' and 'paradigm'? Aren't these just buzzwords that dumb people use to sound important?"

I should probably be more indignant about this news than I actually am:

Hoping to breathe new life into its animated Looney Tunes franchise and prop up the WB television network's slumping Kids' WB line-up, Time Warner Inc.'s Warner Bros. is planning to launch a new cartoon series this fall based on "re-imagined" versions of Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck, Tasmanian Devil, Lola Bunny, Road Runner and Wile E. Coyote.

Warner Bros. has created angular, slightly menacing-looking versions of the classic Looney Tunes characters for its new series, dubbed "Loonatics" and set in the year 2772. Names for the new characters haven't been finalized, but they are likely to be derived from the originals: Buzz Bunny, for example. Each new character retains personality quirks of the original. The new Bugs, for example, will be the natural leader of the Loonatics' spaceship; the new Daffy will remain confident that he is the one who should be in charge.

Warner Bros. isn't sending the venerable original Looney Tunes cast into retirement. But it is trying to update the characters' appeal among modern kids. The classic characters were wisecrackers who rode their irreverent humor to stardom in the 1940s. The challenge now for Warner Bros. is to find a fresh way to tap the funny bone of an audience raised on Bart Simpson and SpongeBob SquarePants.

Yeah, because neither The Simpsons nor SpongeBob have ever directly stolen bits from Looney Tunes (Homer "going crazy" in the "Shinning" segment from Treehouse of Horror VI, for example). Come on, people...the original Looney Tunes have been ripped off for material by every cartoon since Yogi Bear.

Because I believe in sharing the pain, here's a pic of the "reimagined" characters:

Who the hell is "Lola Bunny?"

I get it, of course; today's youth are much more into that "extreme" thing than old farts like yours truly, who - in spite of growing up in the era of Star Wars and KISS - were still content to watch repeats of 35 year-old cartoons every Saturday morning for ten years. What were we thinking?

Funny is funny, dammit. Daffy Duck as Danny Kaye scatting to Red Riding Hood in "Book Revue" was funny. Bugs and Daffy toying with Elmer Fudd in "Rabbit Fire" was funny. Foghorn Leghorn saying "He's about as sharp as a sack full of wet mice" is funny. Like it or not, these cartoons are classics, and accessible to most all ages.

But why listen to me when you have the geniuses at WB making such cogent arguments?

"The new series will have the same classic wit and wisdom, but we have to do it more in line with what kids are talking about today," says Sander Schwartz, president of Warner Bros. Animation. The plots are action-oriented, filled with chases and fights. Each character possesses a special crime-fighting power.

Jesus, they've made an animated version of Misfits of Science.

Sounds familiar? The format echoes a successful show Warner Bros. launched in 2003 on its WB network and Cartoon Network called "Teen Titans," about five teenage superheroes. The series, featuring dark, futuristic characters, based on such DC Comics personalities as Robin the Boy Wonder, quickly became a hit. It ranked No. 26 among kids programs for the fourth quarter last year.

Uh, yeah...except Teen Titans dates back to the 1960s. Using this logic, why doesn't Warner Brothers make a new TV series out of Superman's Pal Jimmy Olsen?

A more fitting comparison might be to the series mentioned here:

Given Warner's mixed track record over the past two decades with the Looney Tunes franchise, advertisers may be wary. Steven Spielberg sparked things up in the early 1990s with "Tiny Toons," a series in which new characters interacted with the originals. But a 2002 effort, "Baby Looney Tunes," has been a dud for the Cartoon Network, where it ended the fourth quarter ranked No. 104 among kids programs.

Tiny Toons was intermittently amusing, if decidedly inferior to other WB fare like Freakazoid and Animaniacs. It only ran for two years, which leads me to think that revised versions of the Looney Tunes characters might be a bit played out.

It's a risky time to launch an expensive Saturday-morning cartoon. Kraft Foods Inc., which spent about $90 million on children's advertising in 2004, said in January it would stop advertising junk food to kids under 12. The company's decision, coming as the food industry generally is shifting kids advertising dollars to the Internet and videogames, is expected to result in softer ad sales. The kids "upfront" market, when $700 million to $800 million in national kids-TV advertising is sold to deep-pocketed marketers, kicks off today.

Kraft's brave decision to stop shilling its individually wrapped slices of thrombosis to The Children notwithstanding, Saturday mornings are a wasteland for kids' programming. Long gone are the days when the intrepid pre-adolescent could spend five hours watching The Bugs Bunny/Road Runner Show, followed by Land of the Lost, the Banana Splits, or Thundarr the Barbarian (and all punctuated liberally by those annoying "In the News" segments). These days, you get cartoons on only two stations (UPN and WB), and weekend versions of Today and The Early Show elsewhere.

I used to think those stupid Bugs Bunny cartoons would run forever. How wrong I was.

It's not as if the Kids' WB has much of a choice about whether to be so aggressive. At a time when the behemoths of kids TV -- cable TV's Nickelodeon, Cartoon Network and the Disney Channel -- are gaining or stable, ratings on broadcast TV's Kids' WB have plunged.

That's quite the dilemma: boost your children's programming to cover more hours or continue to float your network on quality fare like Judge Mathis and Elimidate.

I'm glad Chuck Jones isn't alive to see this.

"At last I have control of your TV set. Are you receiving me?"

Finally, NBC's sinister agenda has been revealed.

Some background: a preview for Law and Order: SVU came on the other night. It was for the one with Lewis Black as a DJ who gets killed by Dana Delany for turning her son into a rapist with his fiendish mind-control talk radio powers. A snippet of the conversation that ensued between myself and The Wife follows:

Me: What else is on?
TW: I thought you liked Lewis Black.
Me: I do, and Dana Delany even more, but I don't want to watch that epsiode again.
TW: I don't think we've seen it.
Me: Bullshit. I've seen it, and if I've seen it, you've seen it, because I sure wasn't watching it by myself.
TW: Yeah, that's an honor you reserve for Sabrina the Teenage Witch.
Me: Silence, devil woman.

I was right, of course. We had seen it, which I proved by reciting enough relevant plot specifics to spoil any potential viewing. What's more important, however, is the ramification for the television audience as a whole.

Fer instance, I know The Wife has seen all of episodes of the original, pre-Dennis Farina Law and Order, and is rapidly getting caught up on SVU. The fact that she can no longer remember salient plot details obviously means NBC has hit upon the solution to the problem of creating new episodes: neural overload. Scientists buried deep below 30 Rockefeller must have discovered the maximum number of episodes of any given TV show the human mind can absorb before it starts overwriting its own memories. Soon, the network will be able to recycle vintage eps featuring Paul Sorvino and that black ADA with the fade haircut and no one will be the wiser. They'll just need to do some foley work to bring the cultural references up to date and bingo - another decade's worth of Emmy nominations.

It also explains why Friends lasted as long as it did.

"Ay, un gato malodoro!"

Something to remember the next time Harry Shearer and company complain about their salaries:

The union actors who dub The Simpsons into Spanish are asking their Mexican audience for help as they fight for their livelihoods in a labor dispute that could silence the original Spanish voices from the 15-year-old animated comedy. ... The disagreement between the actors union and a Mexican contracting company is in the hands of government labor arbitrators at a time when the actors say they normally would be sitting down to tape the upcoming season of The Simpsons.

If an agreement isn't reached, the actors fear the company will hire new voices, changing the cartoon's Spanish alter egos � voices known throughout Latin America.

I never really thought about that, but I suppose Latin American audiences are as used to the Spanish language versions of Homer and Marge as we are of Dan Castellenata and Julie Kavner.

And Denny brought up a good point (in the initial e-mail exchange that alerted me to this): what the hell does Bumblebee Man sound like in Mexico? And do Mexican TV stations edit out the ending montage of "Kamp Krusty," with its loving depictions of cockfights and Krusty passed out after a tequila binge?

The Mexico's National Actors Association, a union founded in 1934 that now includes about 15,000 members, has accused a Mexican contractor of attempting to hire too many nonunion voices and breaking provisions of a collective bargaining agreement that dictates exclusive use of union labor.

The contractor, Grabaciones y Doblajes Internationales, maintains it has invited National Actors Association members and other actors to continue dubbing the cartoon series, but that the union is using strong-arm tactics to hold onto most parts.

The company argues it needs the new voices in order to compete.

Not to stem the forces of Latin American capitalism, but has anyone bothered to point out to these guys that almost all the voices in the English version of The Simpsons are done by six people?

These guys make around $55 a show, but Shearer's salary would be 2,804,700 MXN.

Name that tune

RetroCrush is in the midst of releasing yet another exhaustive list. This time, it's the Top 100 TV Theme Songs of All Time. Personally, I'd be hard pressed to name 100 TV shows, period, so I once again find myself in awe/stupefied horror at Robert Berry and company's committment to the craft of pop culture rankology.

That said, I simply had to see where my own personal favorites ranked compared to his. Granted, they're only up to #44 so far (The Dukes of Hazzard), so consider this a cheap preemptive strike, fueled (or weakened) by a night spent watching the MI-5 marathon on A&E and drinking cheap beer:

10. The HBO Theme

You know the one: the camera swoops down over that miniature city, then out into space to confront the looming Home Box Office logo before it drowns the earth in Beastmaster reruns. I remember this from the early '80s, though I have no idea if it's still used.

9. Battlestar Galactica (#89)

Hey, this was impressive classical music to a 12 year-old, and it went a long way towards disguising the fact that 75% of the show's space battle footage consisted of recycled shots from the pilot episode.

8. M*A*S*H (#68)

This probably would've been a more effective song if they'd kept the original version with the lyrics, but CBS wanted more of a slapstick comedy in the beginning. And by the end, Alan Alda had such a hammerlock on the creative direction I fear the irony would've been lost. Still ranks way up there for me, however.

7. The X-Files

This is included less for any musical prowess displayed, and more for the fact that when the show originally aired - on Friday nights - I knew it signaled the beginning (or continuation) of 2 1/2 days of crippling alcohol consumption. Then Fox moved the show to Sundays and that small comfort was shot to hell.

6. The Muppet Show (#48)

"Why don't you get things started?" Would merit inclusion solely for Gonzo's revolving trumpet gag, as far as I'm concerned.

5. The Sopranos (#82)

Why did I think Gibby Haynes of the Butthole Surfers had something to do with this? I think one of the guys in Alabama 3 must look like him. Either way, a tight little song.

4. Battle of the Planets

This was first syndicated on one of our local TV stations in 1977, and I used to hum the theme while running home from school in order to catch it at 4:00. The hotheaded Jason was my favorite, before I came to appreciate the sublime beauty of Princess and the daring use of her panties as a plot device.

3. The Rockford Files

Another classic TV show that has yet to be honored with a DVD release, and with one of the all-time greatest theme songs to boot. Where else can you get James Garner, Bo Hopkins, Issac Hayes, and Noah Beery in one show? Not counting The Love Boat, that is.

2. Sanford and Son

An amazingly upbeat theme song for a show depicting the lives of an old black man and his son barely living above the poverty line. I expect this to be in RC's top 10.

1. Barney Miller

The closest thing a nine year-old kid living in Utah ever got to funk, and I've never forgotten it.

I can't include The Simpsons theme (#62) because I'm sick of it, frankly. It's a great slice of Elfmanism, but hearing it upward of 10,000 times at this point has caused it to curdle a bit in my mind.

Adn while I'm sure Miami Vice will rank highly, Jan Hammer gets no love here.

Putting the "simp" in "Simpson"

Poor little Ashlee Simpson just can't catch a break:

If only we watched sports, we'd have seen it live: our favorite fabricated "talent," Miss Ashlee Simpson, graced the stage at the Orange Bowl's halftime performance and didn't lipsync her way through the performance. How can we be sure? Because she sounded like some sort of dying, prehistoric beast. The crowd agreed, apparently, as the poor little thing was unceremoniously booed at the end of her performance.

The video in question is here (and keep your eye out for the conclusive evidence that punk is truly dead*). It's rather unsatisfying, considering there's no post-performance money shot of her running off in tears, to find comfort in the arms of former USC QB Carson Palmer.

Simpson manages to persevere even in the face of what would appear to be more than the requisite three strikes to ensure she never graces a stage again. Her older sister sings better (faint praise, to be sure) and apparently hogged all the comeliness genes; she's already been busted for faking it on stage, and didn't handle it well; she's not attractive; and she doesn't appear to be able to dress herself. One can't even call her inexplicable success a result of lucky sperm, but rather lucky sibling dynamics. If Jessica Simpson wasn't getting famous by blathering about Chicken of the Sea and flashing decolletage on MTV, then Ashlee would be working at Hooter's and singing karaoke on Saturdays, in a venue where her unique vocal stylings might actually be appreciated.

I don't really have anything against Ashlee Simpson, beyond the standard loathing/jealousy I feel for talentless millionaire dipshits, that is. Of course, talent has never been a prerequisite for success in America, though things have really gotten out of hand in this era of Paris Hilton, Ryan Seacrest, and George W. Bush. I'm still trying to figure out if Ashlee Simpson is self aware enough to laugh about how lousy she is all the way to the bank, or if she's actually deluded enough to be hurt when the unwashed masses have the temerity to boo or laugh at her.

Then again, I've managed to delude myself into believing people actually think my writing's any good, so there you go.

UPDATE: They played "Pieces of Me" at the gym this afternoon. The gods are cruel and stinky.

* The anarchy sign on the bass drum

I know it was you, Rachael. You broke my heart.

My long-running, illicit TV affair with Rachael Ray is at an end.

It was doomed to failure, of course. She's a semi-famous Food Network personality who has no idea of my identity or my feelings. I'm a married father who writes pointless crap on the internet. We were the original star-crossed duo.

But it wasn't until tonight, during an airing of $40 a Day, that I realized we weren't meant to be. The concept of the show is fairly simple: Rachael travels to a different city each episode (tonight's show took place in Portland, ME) and endeavors to eat three meals and a snack for under 40 bucks. Those of us who've operated under even more stringent budgets know you can manage that by hitting Taco Bell three times, and you'd still have enough for a case of fine domestic beer, but that's not the point. The point is to eat good food, defined by whatever esoteric criteria Ms. Ray is using that week.

Tonight, unfortunately, I discovered something about my would-be beloved. For dinner, she enjoyed a local favorite, a crab quesadilla. The cost: $14.95. With tax and tip, she spent $18.10 on the meal, allowing her to skate under the day's budget.

I've bitched about the tribulations of working in the food service industry here before, drawing upon my own experience as a waitperson, and I immediately noticed something. Maine's sales tax on prepared food is 7%, which brings the cost of her meal to $16. That comes out to a $2.10 gratuity, or 14%.

Oh, Rachael. Don't you know I could never be serious about someone who didn't tip their waitpersons sufficiently?

It's over. We had a good run - you gallivanting around the continent, me forced to watch your escapades whenever The Wife had control of the remote - but I think you'll agree that this is for the best.

And I don't care how many FHM photoshoots you do. No, I mean it. Stop begging.

Wire to Wire

Dear HBO,

By now, I've grown pretty used to you (and just about every other TV network, for that matter), waiting until the last minute to announce your decisions regarding new season orders for a show. For that reason, I'm not panicking too much about the lack of renewal information for The Wire, the 3rd season finale of which aired last night.

However, the ending sure felt like a lot more than just a single season wrap, didn't it? McNulty back on foot in the Western, Avon back in jail, Stringer dead, "Major" Daniels, and that final scene with Colvin and Bubbles looking over the ruins of "Hamsterdam." Maybe David Simon and company know something I don't, but that sure had the feel of a final farewell. You could use Marlo as the bad guy in the next season, but that would be going over pretty well-worn territory. Cutty and Carcetti are interesting characters, but let's face it: McNulty and Stringer are/were the soul of the show. With the former walking a beat and the latter on the slab, Simon either has to introduce an entirely new group of cops and criminals or go into left field again like with Season 2.

I say this as matter-of-factly as I can, but if you cancel The Wire, I'm canceling HBO. Sure, The Sopranos is still okay, but one more half-season a year from now is hardly a reason to keep a subscription running, Six Feet Under grows progressively more angsty and annoying, I don't watch Carnivale, and Deadwood is good profane fun, but is hardly in the same class. Your movie selection is already the worst of the pay channels, which is why people tune in for your original programming. Pulling the plug on one of your most critically acclaimed shows isn't really a good way to keep viewers.

And you still owe me for letting Arli$$ run for seven seasons.

Sincerely,

Pete

UPDATE: But enough with the cutesy fake correspondence. This article really says it best:

Now, it's also quite possible that viewers just don't like "The Wire"....People say the first is too dense, moves too slowly. You know, like a book.... And if this is the case with you, well, let's just say reasonable people can disagree.

Except you're wrong.

Millions upon millions of people are wrong, evidently. Which is galling and sad and makes a certain someone prone to rage. But what does it say about our standards if "too challenging" is the death blow to quality? If intelligence isn't being rewarded on television, then it will go away.

And, yes, the knee-jerk response to that is, "It already has." But that's not true. Rent or buy the first-season DVDs of "The Wire" and "Arrested Development" for proof that people in the television business are still trying, that genius still sprouts in fields of stupidity.

HBO makes its decision some time in mid-January.

"Gentlemen, we've got to protect our phoney baloney jobs."

It's not just a river in Burbank:

Personal digital video recorders like TiVo, Replay and those provided by some cable and satellite companies have yet to pose a threat to commercial television, according to a study conducted by CBS. Speaking at a media conference in New York Monday, David Poltrack, the network's chief audience researcher, observed that even when DVR viewers fast-forward past commercials, many still recall the names of the sponsors whose ads they're skipping. He also estimated that if the number of people who watch the 20 top-rated shows on a delayed basis was added to the number who watch them in real time, the ratings for those shows would nearly double.

It's funny he'd say that, because I feel certain that if you added the number of people who scroll past my link on the various blogrolls upon which APCB is listed with the six of you who actually read this, my readership would nearly double as well. Someone e-mail one of those stupid blog rankings systems and tell them I need to be promoted from "Earthworm You Squish After a Heavy Rain" level to "Housefly Caught in Grille of Good Times Van" level.

"May recall the name of the sponsors whose ads they're skipping?" Is this reverse psychology? Do you know how fast I can fast forward past that crap? Dish Network's PVR goes at 300X speed, which means I barely have time to scratch myself between segments of CSI: Gary, Indiana.

TiVo and its ilk are only one of the threats facing broadcast television. If I were an audience researcher, I'd be more worried about the fact that the networks are throwing crap like The Biggest Loser and The Rebel Billionaire up against
The Sopranos and Curb Your Enthusiasm.

"How old are you?"
"I'm 35."
"And you wear a bowtie."

You've heard of it by now, and here's the link:

Jon Stewart on Crossfire.

I don't usually say "watch the whole thing." But watch the whole thing.

Those about to Rock

Crap, and here I thought I had at least two more months before I started thinking about the Academy Awards:

Sharp-tongued comedian Chris Rock has been chosen to host the 77th annual Academy Awards, the film industry's highest honors, next February, the producer of the show said on Thursday as he reached out to a younger generation of comics.

It will be the first time that Rock, a former "Saturday Night Live" cast member, will host the show watched by millions around the world. He will succeed veteran Oscar emcee Billy Crystal (news), who hosted the awards show earlier this year.

"I am a huge fan of Chris Rock," Oscar producer Gil Gates said in a statement. "He always makes me laugh and he always has something interesting to say. Chris represents the best of the new generation of comics."

If Cates really wanted the "best of the new generation of comics," he'd have hired David Cross or Patton Oswalt.

Forgive me, but I've never found Chris Rock funny. If his "angry black man" stand-up shtick consisted of anything remotely thoughtful or incisive, I'd think this was a good choice, but all the man does is stand up there and bellow. His last appearance, three years ago(?), was a flop-sweating disaster where he tried to berate the audience for their whiteness. If the Academy is such a den of elite Caucasian interests, don't accept their invitation to appear. Few people would argue that the Oscars haven't been very even-handed when it comes to minority vs. Anglo nominees, but agreeing to show up sort of takes the oomph out of any complaints you might make later on.

In an era of heightened sensitivity to indecency on the airwaves since Janet Jackson (news)'s breast-baring Super Bowl show last February, Rock might seem a bold choice given the earthy, often profane act he has popularized.

But his selection makes sense from the standpoint of attempts by producers and the Oscar-sponsoring Academy of Television Arts and Sciences to draw greater interest from younger viewers, especially the 18- to 49-year-old age group most prized by TV advertisers, experts said.

Here's your problem: the Oscar host really doesn't do that much. He/she has their opening bit and monologue, introduces the Best Picture nominees throughout the show and the "In Memoriam" segment, and that's about it. Your coveted 18-49 year-olds may tune in for the opening, but after that you've still got something like 6 1/2 hours left.

I don't remember Rock ever being a very effective social comic, but that's just me. The notion that the same person - who starred in such "indie" fare as Bad Company, Head of State, Osmosis Jones, and Lethal Weapon 4 - is somehow removed from Hollywood's mainstream is laughable, but that's not really what they want anyway (remember Letterman?). Hiring Rock allows Cates to argue he's got someone outside the establishment - unlike Billy Crystal, Steve Martin, or, uh, Whoopi Goldberg, while Rock gets...actually, I don't know what Rock gets out of this. Whatever "street" cred he possesses seems like it would sink like a stone after he mouths a few Bruce Vilanche softballs about Arnold Schwarzenegger and Mel Gibson.

And I'll watch the whole goddamned thing anyway, because I am le fool.

"It's Patty who chose a life of celibacy. Selma simply had celibacy thrust upon her."

Cash in your chips now, everyone who bet on Patty in the "Who's the gay Simpsons character" contest:

Hit cartoon series The Simpsons is pushing for gay marriage rights in America with a shocking episode featuring chain-smoking twin Patty wedding another woman. Animated father Homer is ordained as a minister and marries Marge's sister to her dream woman in the eagerly-awaited show, which criticizes American President George W Bush's refusal to allow homosexual marriage.

For those of you playing at home, Patty pays off 5 to 1.

In the Year 2009

Everybody hear about the coming regime change at the Tonight Show?

NBC's Tonight Show host Jay Leno will retire at the end of his current five-year contract in 2009 and be replaced by Late Night host Conan O'Brien, the network said Monday.

O'Brien signed a new contract Monday that guarantees he will assume the job as host of America's top-rated late night talk show, The Tonight Show, sometime during the 2009 season. Leno took over the show from Johnny Carson in May 1992. By the time he steps down, he will have hosted the program for more than 17 years.

Which is about 16.5 years too long. Back in my heady childless days of yore, I watched Conan O'Brien. He continued the anarchic streak in late night that disappeared when Letterman moved up an hour, but don't count on that continuing when Conan takes over for Leno. And you can sure as hell say goodbye to the Masturbating Bear and Pimpbot 5000, as well as guests who won't get a sniff of the new time slot (Rob Zombie, Marilyn Manson).

Unlike the Leno version, however, I'll actually watch the occasional Conan-helmed Tonight Show, if only to see if taking over at 10:30 makes him as unfunny and sycophantic as the Human Chin.

No guts, no glory

In 2086, two peaceful aliens journeyed to Earth, seeking our help. In return, they gave us the plans for our first hyperdrive, opening the doors to the stars. We have assembled a team of unique individuals to protect Earth and our allies. Courageous pioneers, committed to the highest ideals of justice, and dedicated to preserving law and order across the new frontier. These are the adventures of the Galaxy Rangers.

Sweet:

In 1984, Robert Mandell had an idea�to create a space western, an animated series which would be a MAGNIFICENT SEVEN for the after-school set. ... This show had it all. Rock and roll, land rushes, sword and sorcery, talking dolphins (which sounds much cheesier than it actually was�mostly), the sexiest lady outlaw ever drawn (Daisy O'Mega, of the Black Hole Gang) �and plenty of fantastic space battles on a par with the original STAR WARS trilogy. Each of the characters had distinct personalities and strengths and flaws, with stories often growing out of those conflicts, rather than relying on the Aliens-of-the-Week to supply the plots.

Sometimes confused with similar space westerns (Filmation's BRAVESTARR and World Events Productions's SABER RIDER AND THE STAR SHERIFFS, which was the re-packed and re-written Japanese series SEI JUSHI BISMARK), GALAXY RANGERS has a devout cult following, with fans anxiously awaiting the upcoming DVD release in October.

Galaxy Rangers was one of those shows I caught when I could, after-school activities permitting, and never really watched regularly enough to develop a real feel for the continuity. Still, it was refreshing in that the characters were allowed to develop their own story arcs over time and - unlike in every other American cartoon of the 1980s - people actually died on the show. I wasn't even aware a DVD release was planned, but I'm happy to hear it.

The rest of the article features an interview with Mandell, who discusses the show's origins and possible plans for a future series:

Whether we do a series of DVDs, or a new series, I don't know. We'll see how it goes. I think that we certainly could pre-sell a DVD movie. I'd much rather produce a direct-to-DVD feature because you have much more control. Dealing with the studios is just a pain in the neck, the more money involved. The RANGERS as a DVD movie could be terrific. We can do a lot more, you get more bang for the buck on a DVD movie.

And of course, 20 years later, the potential for animation is tremendous. What we can do these days... I don't know what techniques we'd use, but I'm sure we could find some integration of 3-D and 2-D. You don't see a lot of the tradition 2-D animation anymore. Everybody's trying to do the latest new 3-D look and stuff.

Man, do another Scarecrow episode. That thing freaked my ass out.

On second thought, don't do another Scarecrow episode.

But when are the Eltingville auditions?

IFC will be holding tryouts for Ultimate Film Fanatic in the coming weeks, here are the locations:

Boston - Sept. 13 - Loews Boston Common 175 Tremont St., Boston, MA 02111
Austin - Sept. 15 - Alamo Drafthouse Cinema 409B Colorado St., Austin, TX 78701
Chicago - Sept. 17 - Loews Gardens at Old Orchard 7-13 175 Old Orchard St., Skokie, IL 60077
San Francisco - Sept. 20 - Loews Metreon Theatre 101 Fourth Street, San Francisco, CA 94103
Seattle - Sept. 22 - Cineplex Odeon Meridian 1501 7th Avenue, Seattle, WA 98101
Los Angeles Sept. 28 - Universal Cineplex Theatre 100 Universal City Plaza, Universal City, CA 91608

The format of the show, if you haven't seen it, is pretty straightforward. Round 1 is general movie trivia, where you are grilled on genres you know little to nothing about. Round 2 is the debate round, where you take a topic given to you by the host and try to convince the panel that it sucks or rules. And Round 3 is your chance to demonstrate your true geekery by displaying the cream of your movie memorabilia crop.

Finally, a chance to show off those misspelled Star Wars patches.

I'm not eligible for this, as Film Threat publisher Chris Gore is the host and the IFC is so wary of a Charles Van Doren-like scenario it's saying you're ineligible if you ever shook Chris' hand at the Anchorage Film Festival in 2000. I fared pretty well against the contestants on the episodes I watched at home, though.

Except for Round 3, that is. I have a handful of decent collectibles, but my seven varieties of lightsaber would pale in comparison to what some of these guys show up with. By the end of the first season, I half expected someone to trot out Doris Wishman's bones.

Biting the four-fingered hand that feeds you

One of the Simpsons actors is displeased with the direction the show has taken of late:

Humorist Harry Shearer, whose disgruntled attitude in real life (and exhibited on his public radio program Le Show) is often transposed into brilliant comedy in the characters he portrays, has indicated that he is so dissatisfied with the course of The Simpsons that he'd "rather not be there now." Shearer, who voices numerous characters on the animated series, including Mr. Burns, Smithers, and Ned Flanders, also complained in an interview with the Irish Examiner that he has been relegated to essentially walk-on parts on the series. Referring to the fact that he reportedly earns $250,000 an episode for recording only a few lines of dialogue per episode, Shearer remarked, "It's possible to make a very nice living and still get totally screwed." His remarks outraged The Simpsons producer, Al Jean, who told the New York Post: "He's a guy who's been a malcontent, in my view. ... For someone earning millions off the show this year ... I just think it's unfathomable for him to take a shot at us."

I have respect for Shearer and find that his routines, when they don't go off into the comedy nether region of "I think this is funny so everyone else will too" (e.g. The OJ Simpson Rap) are generally decent. Unfortunately, the guy has garnered a rather...prickly reputation among his peers and industry professionals for being arrogant and something of a hypocrite. He takes paychecks for roles in Godzilla and My Best Friend's Wedding, then promptly turns around and talks shit about everyone involved. He likes to have control over his own material, and when he doesn't get it (SNL and The Simpsons), he tends to become pissy.

As far as being "screwed" while still raking in $250K an episode...Shearer signed the latest contract, just like all the other voice actors. If his working conditions were really that miserable, he should've walked away when he had the chance. As it stands, both he and fellow millionaire Al Jean would probably do well to just shut up already.

"Tonight at the Pit, everyone gets laid."

Only substitute Six Feet Under for The Pit, and 2/3 of the cast for "everyone."

Okay, so I lied a couple weeks ago when I said I was through watching SFU. I have no excuse except...I'm a hypocrite. That, and Sunday nights are when I'm feeling my least creative, so I rationalize that it's okay to space out in front of the great glass teat for a couple hours.

But enough of that. It's summertime, and the loving was easy last night. Keith nailed Celeste, and got fired for it. David banged that paintball guy - whose exhortations during said act earned the biggest laughs of the night. Nate got with Brenda...again, and both were caught by Joe, who promptly left (throwing my Billy returns to kill everyone plot prediction into disarray). Claire sorta kinda tried to get into some hot lesbian action with Mena Suvari, but decided Banky Edwards was right, so that's done.

Who am I leaving out? Rico finally got Biblical with "Infinity" last week, but the hilarious repercussions weren't felt until last night. I have to admit, after watching her play Vanessa, Rico's soon-to-be-ex-wife who went after Infinity and then destroyed the stripper's car, I've decided I'm in love with Justina Machado. Something about a woman with curves who can bust out a windshield with a baseball bat makes me tingly in ways I'm not comfortable discussing on a family forum.

The laughs are coming back, though they're more unintentional...such as when Nate hustled Maya out of the house, or Rico bunking down in the prep room, but 'll take what I can get.

And what happened to the talking corpses? The creators must have decided it was too cheesy, but I kind of liked the idea. It was a welcome bit of silly surreality that would help to offset some of the more cloying melodrama, and I wish they hadn't gotten rid of it.

Not that it matters. SFU will stay in my weekly rotation, for now. Quality writing, however spotty or occasionally pretentious, is tough to find on TV. And there's a certain amount of schadenfreude involved in taking pleasure at the screw-ups of the Fishers and their friends.

And in hoping Vanessa picks up the bat again. Ay caramba.

"Where you been, Homer? The whole steel industry's gay."

Wouldn't be much of a cromulent blog if I didn't comment on this:

A Simpsons toon is coming out of the closet. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Speaking during a weekend panel at San Diego's Comic-Con convention, show producers dropped a bomb: An upcoming Simpsons story line will focus on what happens when Springfield legalizes gay marriage.

"We have a show where, to raise money, Springfield legalizes gay marriage," producer Al Jean told comic book fans. "Homer becomes a minister by going on the Internet and filling out a form. A longtime character comes out of the closet, but I'm not saying who."

And with that, Simpsons aficionados got their gaydar on and began winnowing down the list of potential suspects.

The early favorite appears to be billionaire Monty Burns' ever-devoted sidekick, Waylon Smithers, who--aside from being a yes-man--has been known to collect Malibu Stacy dolls, lives in the gay part of town (where Homer once shacked up with two gay guys), has a Mr. Burns screensaver and dreams of a naked Mr. Burns jumping out of a birthday cake.

But that might be too easy. According to online fan scuttlebutt, there are other characters who might be secretly having a gay old time in Springfield, including Homer's regular-guy cohorts at the nuclear plant, Carl and Lenny, as well as Moe the bartender, the Reverend Lovejoy, Principal Skinner and Comic Book Guy. Of course, the producers didn't rule out a lesbian wedding, either.

We'll cover those the article mentions first...

It's not Smithers. Smithers only has eyes for Mr. Burns who, as we know from his courting Marge's mom and Snake's ex Gloria (Julia Louis-Dreyfus), seems to have an eye for the ladies. Besides, it's much too obvious. Odds: 15 to 1

Carl and Lenny? Lenny's the one with the serious man-love for Carl, and while I don't know how much of that is shared by the Mr. Carlson, he did fly in on a helicopter to save him from a burning oil well. I seriously doubt any of my hetero lifemates would do the same for me. Odds: 6 to 1

Moe has a long history of failed relationships, most of which never lasted more than the time it took for him to make his opening line (Collette the waitress in Season 3), though he did date Renee (Helen Hunt) until he ran out of money. Odds: 20 to 1

There's never been any hint that the long-married Reverend Lovejoy harbors homosexual tendencies. Doesn't mean he's off limits, but it's a long shot. Odds: 50 to 1

Seymour is repressed, but recently proposed to Mrs. Krabapple. Groening and company could use his military background to play on the whole "gays in the military" angle, but I kind of doubt it. And there is the whole mommy issue thing. Odds: 25 to 1

Finally, the Comic Book Guy may be a geek, but he's all about the females. He had a shared moment with a fellow (double-X chromosome) geek over a water-damaged stack of Little Lulus, downloads naked Captain Janeway porn, and was almost seduced by Lucy Lawless. And who can forget the horrible spectacle of seeing him in bed with Agnes Skinner? Odds: 75 to 1

UPDATE: Oh, and I don't think it's Ned Flanders, as some of you in the comments are suggesting. The last big Simpsons "event" was Maude's death, which would make the potential outing of Ned a pretty boring proposition. Could he be repressing his true feelings due to years of piety and spanking therapy? Perhaps, but he also nailed Hollywood starlet Sara Sloane (Marisa Tomei) in Season 14. Hardly the act of a man about to switch teams.

Anyway, click below for more worthless speculation.

Both Patty and Selma have their intimacy issues, and both have the hots for MacGyver. Patty doesn't like to be touched, but did date Principal Skinner for a time. Selma has been married to Lionel Hutz, Troy McClure, and Sideshow Bob, which would seem to make her a serial heterosexual monogamist. There are several references to Patty having been either born a man or presently being a man, however, and both were shown on the "Still in the Closet" float a couple seasons back. Patty's definitely a strong contender. Odds: 5 to 1

Who else? Captain McAllister has alluded to resorting to homosexuality at sea, though he did participate in the Springfield Bachelor Auction (as did Hans Moleman). Plus, he married a man to a cow in international waters (thereby proving Rick Santorum's theory on homosexual marriage leading to bestiality?). Odds: 10 to 1

Ms. Hoover? Unmarried, but dated Apu. Could be perfect for Patty, however. Odds: 15 to 1

Otto? Metal dudes are never gay. Just ask Rob Halford. Plus he's married. Odds: 25 to 1

Groundskeeper Willy? Unlikely, I seem to recall an episode where he made out with an equally unattractive Scottish female. And he dated Sherry Bobbins. Odds: 30 to 1

I think we can probably rule out most of the school kids, though Martin is notoriously fey. And the Love-O-Matic did say Kearney was gay.

Barney's been on several failed dates, but (and you'll pardon the stereotyping) he's probably too slovenly to be gay. Odds: 35 to 1

It won't be Apu, who went through an oat sowing phase before settling down and having septuplets with Manjula. Odds: 75 to 1

Chief Wiggum: married. Further, it probably wouldn't be very funny. Odds: 50 to 1

Mayor Quimby: Oh please. Odds: 100 to 1

Krusty the Clown? Interesting. He fathered a child during the Gulf War, but has never really been attached to any other woman romantically (though there was the "Look at those magumbos" comment). And he seems to share a special bond with Sideshow Mel. He's my dark horse. Odds: 12 to 1

Channel 6 anchor Kent Brockman has a daughter and was, at one point, married. Doesn't mean a lot, however. Odds: 25 to 1

Bumblebee Man is married and seems like a normal straight guy. Who happens to constantly wear a bee costume. Odds: 75 to 1

Dr. Nick has been AWOL for the better part of the last few seasons. That alone is reason enough to remove him from consideration. Odds: 35 to 1

Professor Frink has hooked up with a female assistant and a cocktail waitress after Mesmerino turned him into a makeout artist. Odds: 40 to 1

Sideshow Bob is another one of those "never been seen with a woman" types (his homicidal marriage to Selma doesn't count), but he's not enough of a regular character to make him a worthwhile choice. Odds: 35 to 1

I suppose it could be Fat Tony, but that's a stretch. He isn't on the show much, and the idea kind of runs counter to the manly mobster stereotype. Odds: 50 to 1

This whole time-waster of an exercise assumes, of course, that anything resembling normal continuity is followed. Besides, aren't Kang and Kodos already married? Does that count?

Since I have a sneaking suspicion it's going to be something fairly obvious (Lenny and Carl are worrying me), I'll go with an essentially left field prediction: DuffMan - who I feel certain is hiding his true feelings behing that party hardy attitude, and Handsome Pete, who dances for nickels. Or maybe Poochie.

And there's always Homer's cousin Frank, who later became cousin Francene and is now Mother Shabooboo.

Who'd I leave out?

Shyam-poo

Even if the Sci Fi Network hadn't admitted to its fakery in putting together "The Buried Secret of M. Night Shyamalan," an alleged documentary about Shyamalan and his supposed supernatural connections, the unrealistic premise and poor performances would've given it away soon enough. How do I know this? Because The Wife and I sat through all three hours of the damn thing tonight with absolutely no knowledge of the network's admission, and pegged it as a fake from about 20 minutes in.

The network announced in December that the reclusive Shyamalan, maker of "The Sixth Sense" and "Signs," had agreed to participate in a documentary about his life to run in connection with this summer's release of his new movie, "The Village."

Sci Fi said last month, however, that Shyamalan had soured on the documentary when the questions got too personal. Documentarians Nathaniel Kahn and Callum Greene pressed on and made a three-hour film, "The Buried Secret of M. Night Shyamalan," without his cooperation, the network said.

The Associated Press wrote about the documentary last month, and other media also ran accounts. In an interview, Greene described how Shyamalan's "cooperation dried up." A network spokesman told the AP that Sci Fi was confident it had legal grounds to air the film and would probably never work with Shyamalan again.

In a news release, Sci Fi said Shyamalan had attempted to shut down production of the "disturbing expose."

It was all a lie, and there is no buried secret, [network president Bonnie] Hammer said Friday.

It's hard to say who comes off looking worse: Shyamalan himself - convincing enough as an annoyed artiste, the filmmakers - who are so ham-handed in their investigative techniques they torpedo any possibility of credibility, or celebs like Johnny Depp and Adrien Brody - going along with the gag and either playing it beautifully (Depp) or atrociously (Brody).

"Guerilla marketing," as the article calls it, only works when the effort is subtle enough to carry the whiff of legitimacy. "The Buried Secret" never had a chance, forcing every supposed startling fact down the audience's throat and stretching an already shopworn storyline out to fill three hours.

Weak writing, lousy acting, and a dull story...sounds like just about all of the Sci Fi Channel's original programming.

It's gonna take a Lot of love

Watched TNT's adaptation of 'salem's Lot tonight (and last night, seeing as how it was a two-parter and all). In a word: disappointing. It didn't bother me that they altered Matt Burke's character, or rolled Jimmy Cody up with wozname from the gas company who was porking Sandy McDougal and that the McDougals were blackmailing him, or that Larry Crockett was diddling his daughter (I did read that right, didn't I?), or even that Mark Petrie was basically John Connor from T2. No, I was bummed at how abbreviated the whole thing was.

Time constraints being what they are, I understand the necessity of combining certain story elements and dropping others, but I still consider 'salem's Lot to be a great horror novel, and this is the second time it's gotten short shrift in the two-part TV miniseries department.

Worse, maybe, is how un-scary it turned out to be. Donald Sutherland was a bit too cartoony for Straker - maybe I'm remembering James Mason too fondly, but Sutherland is now 0-fer when it comes to vampire flicks. And Rutger Hauer might have imbued Barlow with sufficient dread if he'd gotten more than, oh, ten minutes of screen time. Too many of the creepier moments were lifted straight from the original miniseries (the Glick brothers in the woods, and Ralphie scratching the glass), and of all the changes I didn't feel it was necessary to make Ben's discovery of the Marstens and his resulting psychological problems a centerpiece. Sometimes, vampires are just vampires, you know?

As with most of King's works, I think it'd be necessary to give 'salem's Lot the full miniseries treatment in order to do it justice. I'm a fan mostly of his earlier stuff (how indie rock of me), and I thought The Stand worked better over multiple nights.

Of course, they both started Rob Lowe...

I better watch it or someone's going to make a TV series out of St. Elmo's Fire.

TV party tonight

If you don't have HBO, little of what follows will make any sense.

The season finale of The Sopranos went unmentioned here, partly because we have at least 18 months to discuss the ramifications of Johnny Sack's arrest and Adriana's, er, "whacking." Like many, I was annoyed by the dream episode, and I can't have been the only one who knew the Tony B. storyline was going to end badly the minute Buscemi appeared on screen.

All of that is just prologue, however. The end of Season 6 will see the majority of Tony's crew dead or behind bars, I imagine. It'd be a nice twist if Silvio turned out to be a rat as well and actually didn't kill Adriana, and the two of them brought everyone else down. I like Sil, but only as much as you can get behind a character shown stomping a guy's nuts and beating up a stripper. You don't really root for the characters in The Sopranos, you just want to see who gets killed/arrested/kneecapped next.

The lack of sympathy is also something of a problem in Deadwood, which wrapped up its season last Sunday. I freely admit that I consider Ian McShane's Al Swearengen to be the best character on TV right now. The fact that he's also a murdering drug dealer who runs a whorehouse tends to temper one's enthusiasm, depending on your opinion of such things. His odd sense of honor helps to mitigate his less savory aspects, however.

Deadwood's season finale was pretty satisfying, even if Bullock becoming sheriff was about as surprising as the Lakers whining about the officiating in Game 4. You know, people say I have anger issues, but I've never administered as satisfying a beatdown as Bullock laid on Alma's dad. There was a second there, after he walked out into the street, I thought he was just going to shoot everyone around him in the face. Maybe doing the deed with Alma will calm him down some.

And thank Jebus they killed off that damn preacher. If someone would just feed Farnham to the pigs, I'd be a happy man.

Six Feet Under started up again this week. Does anyone remember when this was billed as a black comedy? Little of that spirit seems to remain, as the end of last season (and the first episode of this one) dealt primarily with Lisa's death and Nate's steady descent into self-destruction. Funny shit. At least the possibility of Federico continuing to visit the adultery well has some humorous possibilities.

Finally, more good news for fans of The Wire, as Dennis Lehane (Mystic River) and Richard Price (Clockers) are both slated to write episodes for Season 3. George Pelecanos, who also wrote in Season 2, will be returning as well.

Focus, people

Figures, the one time networks don't listen to a focus group, we get 10 years of yuppie crapola:

The Smoking Gun website has posted a copy of an NBC internal report distributed to program executives in 1994 showing that the pilot for Friends received poor marks in audience tests. The show received 41 out of 100 points and was graded "weak," according to the research. "Overall reactions to this pilot were not very favorable," the report began. "Most viewers felt the show was not very entertaining, clever, or original," the report continued and said that "viewing intentions for a series based on this pilot were not encouraging." While teens and young adults "seemed to connect slightly better with the individual characters," older adults found them to be "smug, superficial, and self-absorbed ... and felt they were not really like people they would want to know."

"Not really like people I would want to know" sounds like just about every character on television. NBC was jonesing pretty hard for another hit in 1994, though, even a show that presented the simian David Schwimmer as a romantic lead.

Several years ago (1997), I was in Las Vegas attending a Baptist convention with some friends. We were wandering around, looking for some way to kill time between our morning tipple and our late afternoon binge drunk, and were pulled into a focus screening of a comedy CBS was trying to retool. I'd never heard of it, but gave my helpful feedack anyway. Most of it consisted of comments like, "Sarcastic mother-in-law? Brilliant!" and "Let me commend CBS on yet another sitcom featuring a clueless goof of a husband and an occasionally annoyed but ultimately forgiving wife. This should play well to all three of the Laotian mountain tribes that have yet to sit through something similar."

Of course, I wrote "Clergy" in the space on the form asking for my occupation, so they might not have taken my comments very seriously.

Anyway, that sitcom was Everybody Loves Raymond. I have no idea how much of my advice was taken to heart as I have yet to see an episode. In any event, I apologize for whatever part I played in its continued survival.

Video nasties

MTV did a show several years ago (which I've mentioned here before) called "25 Lame," in which Denis Leary, Jon Stewart, Janeane Garofalo, and Chris Kattan counted down the 25 worst videos of all time. It ended with "Heartbeat" by Don Johnson, and the top 10 were actually destroyed, so that they would never air on the channel again.

You know a band's marketing appeal has been well and truly milked dry when MTV abandons it, but something always bugged me about their list. "Heartbeat" is a horrible song, but the video wasn't any worse than typical '80s fare. The same could be said for "Hold On" by Wilson Phillips, or "Ice Ice Baby," or "Rush Rush," also included in the list of 25. These videos were nothing I'd actually sit and watch, but they were merely visual accompaniment to some truly atrocious music. As videos, they were fine, and I think it's poor trivia management to make a list of bad videos that's little more than a list of bad songs that happen to have movie clips to go along with it.

I also don't agree that lousy production values necessarily make a bad music video. In the early 1980s, with MTV still an unknown quantity, labels weren't exactly bending over backwards to throw lots of money at what was at the time a pretty experimental format.

For these reasons, and in keeping with my own philosophy of useless list-mongering, I've made my own.

Don't get me wrong, not all the videos on the "25 Lame" program were undeserving of inclusion, and a few are repeated here. When there's such a wealth of televisual crapitude out there, it just takes a little more work, is all.

Click "More" to bring the pain (the video's ranking on "25 Lame" is included in parentheses if applicable):

20. Hangin' Tough - NKOTB -- This one almost seems like a joke, until you realize the band is deadly serious. It would've been famously received had blink-182 actually released it.

I'd have been more impressed if the band, instead of bopping around a deserted warehouse district, would have shown up unannounced in Compton, or East L.A., or (where are they from, Boston?) Southie and left without any limbs broken.

19. Someday - Nickelback -- The New Angst. Fear it.

18. Electric Youth - Debbie Gibson (#10) -- Like 17-year cicadas, the last parasitic horde of pop princesses descended upon us in the mid-1980s. Of these, Gibson was generally regarded as the least untalented: she wrote her own songs, and was, by all account, in greater control of her career than the other bubblegum bimbos. That makes the hellish ordeal that is "Electric Youth" that much more offensive, because as much as Nancy Reagan might have liked to believe otherwise, this video didn't represent the face of '80s young people.
And it provides definitive evidence that kids who spend a lot time singing don't have much time for dance lessons, as the spastic young Ms. Gibson is sadly outclassed by the professional hoofers around her.

17. November Rain - Guns 'n Roses -- It took me the longest time to actually sit through this entire video, which plays like something out of the later years of Dynasty, if they'd filmed the show on Sunset Blvd. "November Rain" is the apex of Axl's self-indulgence, depicting his unlikely marriage to then-girlfriend Stephanie Seymour, the foreshadowing of the rained-out marriage reception (I knew rain on your wedding day was "ironic," but I didn't know it meant someone would die), and the nonsensical funeral scene.

Oh, and if you're trying to avoid getting your suit wet, is jumping through the wedding cake really the best way to go about it?

16. Jenny From the Block - Jennifer Lopez -- I'm confused, which lyric was supposed to go with those shots of The Affleck rubbing lotion on your ample behind while the two of you cavort on a yacht: "Put God first and can't forget to stay real," or "Even if you take the good route can't count the hood out?"

15. Simply Irresistable - Robert Palmer -- One video with identically clad and made-up models undulating in the background is original and mildly ironic. Twice is - possibly - a wry comment on the original. Three times is just lazy.

14. Do You Wanna Touch Me - Joan Jett and the Blackhearts -- I have a great deal of respect for Joan Jett, and I'm a fan of her stuff with the Runaways, but this particular clip - ironic or no - featuring perennially slouch-shouldered Jett in a bikini and performing for a disturbing assemblage of (what look like) carnies and bikers played hell with my burgeoning sense of gender dynamics.

13. Hot For Teacher - Van Halen -- Coming in a close second on the Disturb-O-Meter to the sight of glorified pole dancers shaking their wares for a quartet of ogling pre-teen boys is watching Alex Van Halen's attempts at dancing. For a drummer, he's possibly the most uncoordinated guy I've ever seen.
"Plenty of metal and hip-hop videos feature scantily-clad, barely legal gyrating women, but Van Halen was the first band to turn invert the whole statutory rape aspect. Kudos.

12. Bring Me to Life - Evanescence -- hey guys, maybe it's just me, but is it that hard to stop playing your frigging instruments for ten seconds so you can help your buddy keep the pretty girl from plunging to her death?

11. anything by Creed -- For a guy who writes songs about the beauty of his child's birth, Scott Stapp sure seems like a tool, and a startlingly megalomaniacal one at that. Stapp's knack for striking crucifixion poses ("With Arms Wide Open") and getting the CGI angel treatment ("Bullets") drove a stake into whatever irony and humor may once have remained in FM radio.
It would appear someone took Soundgarden's "Jesus Christ Pose" a little too seriously.

10. Baby I Love Your Way - Will to Power -- "Is that Peter fucking Frampton?"
I forget when this came out, which is good news, since it means my selective memory programming is finally starting to kick in. The Nietzschean concept of the superman obviously meant little more to this mulletheaded side of beef than enormous pecs, which he flexes admirably while singing falsetto on some Southern California coastline with his bottle blonde companion.

Whoever helmed this makes the guy who directs the Creed videos look like Darren Aronofsky.

9. Rock Me Tonight - Billy Squier (#21) -- Plenty of early videos featured bad dancing (it may have launched Courtney Cox onto the world, but don't ask The Boss to mimic his steps from the "Dancing in the Dark" video), but few could honestly be said to have ended a career. Such is the case with "Rock Me Tonight."
Billy Squier's "Don't Say No"-era videos were unremarkable - except for the obvious fact that dude wasn't wearing any underwear - but "Rock Me Tonight" is simply frightening. Squier dances around like Molly Ringwald in a pink half-shirt, not tearing the offending garment from his chest until he's bled himself of any "rock" cred he may have once possessed. A little suspect? His fans seemed to think so, and his career sank like big, pink brick.

8. Wake Me Up Before Yo Go-Go - Wham! (#11) -- If you saw this video back in the day and were honestly surprised at George Michael's Beverly Hills toilet bust, you need to lay off the glue. Seriously.
The creepy day-glo face painting in the video is bad enough, but "Wake Me Up" deserves special censure for introducing those moronic "Choose Life" t-shirts to American youth. Although between them and "Frankie Say Relax," I always had something to spit on in high school.

7. Obsession - Animotion -- I could easily substitute any of a gazillion inexplicable early '80s efforts for this one, but "Obsession" came out during the period between when videos were weird for weirdness' sake and when they started trying to depict actual narratives. "Obsession," therefore, exists in a nether region where the laws of logic and good taste have no meaning.

I've always speculated that the band's massive costume budget for the clip necessitated their filming in a friend's back yard.

6. The Warrior - Scandal -- It must've been worrying/annoying to the members of Scandal when they started seeing "featuring Patty Smyth" appended to their record covers. In the case of the video for "The Warrior," I like to believe they felt somewhat vindicated. Among his many other sins, Michael Jackson deserves to be strung up for forcing every band in the 1980s to include dancing in their videos, even those that couldn't (see also "Hot for Teacher"). Patty Smyth is quite attractive and has a great set of pipes, but you tend to forget all that while watching her jump around in a lam� kimono with war paint on her face.

5. Queen of the Broken Hearts - Loverboy -- This was lead singer Mike Reno's first video after he was finally able to afford dental surgery, and he never lets us forget it. Every syllable is sung through a rictus of gleaming white, which is almost enough to distract us from the cheesy Road Warrior knockoff costumes the band is wearing.
You want more? How about the Solid Gold dancers as the Amazonian tribe in pursuit of our heroes? What about supremely unimpressed MTV contest winner Bridget Magnesi dutifully inserted as a computer operator into the clip?
Loverboy has any number of gag-inducing videos that could qualify for my list, this is simply the most egregious.

4. Balls to the Wall - Accept -- In the early '80s, metal acts often used the strategy of repeating a certain refrain of a song ad infinitum, usually while pumping their fists and grimacing in manly fashion. Bonus points could be garnered by wearing camouflage or other military paraphernalia.

In this regard, Accept aren't any different from Grim Reaper or a hundred other marginally talented wannabe Sabbaths. What sets them apart, however, is lead singer Udo Dirkscheider (admittedly, a great name) and the group's inexplicable penchant for putting this stumpy homunculus front and center in their videos.

3. Separate Ways - Journey (#13) -- Remember when you didn't have to be good looking to appear on MTV? Journey does, and you can bet they were hating those Duran Duran pretty boys around the time "Separate Ways" hit. Still, I don't care if the band consisted of Rob Lowe, Jon-Erik Hexum, Rick Springfield, and Tom Cruise, this wharfside exercise in hilarious air guitar poses and constipated/tough guy faces would still merit inclusion.

"Separate Ways" also marked the last time band members were told to "just make it up as you go" for a video.

2. Black or White - Michael Jackson -- Jacko was feeling the heat by the time "Dangerous" came out in 1991. "Bad," while selling millions, had fallen far short of "Thriller" numbers, and whispers about his nose job had evolved into hysterical laughter and pointing at his freakish appearance. In an effort to maintain his envelope of unreality, and also to show he was truly a man for all people, he made this.

It lacks the choreographed ground-humping of "The Way You Make Me Feel," but "Black or White" instead gives us the creepy rap stylings of Macauley Culkin, a belated cry for help/tesosterone (personified by Jackson's ill-advised car bashing), and a strained plea for racial harmony from a guy who couldn't decide what color he wanted to be in the first place.

1. After the Rain - Nelson (#4) -- I can sympathize with our protagonist: a dumpy adolescent, living in a trailer with parents who fight all the time and force him to wear stupid headbands. Then again, I knew guys in high school with similar domestic situations, and not a one listened to crap like Nelson.
This would've been a good concept for a video by Megadeth, or Overkill or maybe Public Enemy, but Nelson? People who listened to Nelson didn't have any problems, they were all in Young Life, attended "lock-ins," and ratted out guys they saw reading National Lampoon in Chemistry class.
Bastards.
Leaving that aside, what kind of message is this video sending? "Hey. we can't give you any advice on how to change your shitty life or offer any opportunity to improve your situation, but come watch us play this lousy song with a bunch of hot chick extras in the audience who, frankly, you have no chance with. Mind the Indian."

The psychology of television

It probably says more about my character than I care to admit that the only three prime-time TV shows I watch with any regularity are The Sopranos, Deadwood, and The Shield.

Or maybe I'm just a big fan of the word, "cocksucker."

In the interests of full disclosure

I watched the Friends finale last night.

"Watched" is perhaps too strong a word. I veered back and forth between it and the Bam Margera article in the latest issue of Rolling Stone. Beers were also consumed, which helped the process.

Being a (relatively) new father, I only had a couple minor nitpicks - as opposed to the relatively large nitpick that is the show itself:

1. Do they let you bring babies home the day they're born? I wish I'd known that a few months ago, so as to avoid sleeping on that Inquisition-era hospital room couch.

2. I'm not very familiar with the dynamic of Chandler and Monica's relationship, but if I'd spent the first few hours after returning from the hopsital with my friend trying to get birds out of a foosball table, my kid would be collecting my life insurance right now.

3. If Ross and Phoebe had died on the way to the airport I'd be calling last night's finale the greatest TV episode of all time. As it is, I can't understand why women aren't sending letter bombs to NBC to protest Rachel backing out of going to Paris in order to stay with that bassett-faced mook.

4. Does the fact that Drea De Matteo will be starring on Friends spin-off Joey make anyone think her FBI informant storyline on The Sopranos is about to end with extreme prejudice?

It ends here

And not a moment too soon:

(CNN) -- In 1994, O.J. Simpson fled, Nancy Kerrigan got whacked in the knee and a TV show called "Friends" hit the airwaves to become one of the most successful television comedies of all time.

Truly the "worst of times," I guess. Forrest Gump won Best Picture that year, to help with your perspective.

The ensemble members -- Jennifer Aniston (Rachel); Courteney Cox Arquette (Monica); Matthew Perry (Chandler); Matt LeBlanc (Joey); Lisa Kudrow (Phoebe); and David Schwimmer (Ross) -- skyrocketed from pop-culture obscurity to sitcom superstardom in a show centered on heart, with comedy thrown in for good measure.

The "very special episode" phenomenon was something formerly relegated to once-a-season sweeps gimmicks, serving to inform a previously ignorant populace that people die (Family Ties) and teenagers occasionally have sex (Blossom, Beverly Hills 90210). We can all be grateful to Friends for making such episodes a monthly occurrence.

Executive producer and creator David Crane admits the show's huge success was surprising. He thinks "Friends," which began with the trials and tribulations of six 20-somethings facing life after college, flourished because of the characters' chemistry.

"There's an emotional component to the show that we can never lose sight of because I think the shows you get tired of the fastest are the ones where you don't really invest on some level," Crane said.

I think describing a television show as something an adult human being can become invested in emotionally speaks to the real problem, especially a sitcom that relies on such hackneyed story arcs as the 5-year long "will they or won't they" Ross and Rachel dilemma and recurring comedy death bits like Marcel the monkey and Phoebe's singing.

I'm not one of those bitchy cranks who tells you never to watch television because it's all crap. There are shows I enjoy, but if any of them were canceled tomorrow I could go on about my life without any gnashing of teeth or rending of garments. Some of these Friends fans could stand to crack a window or two and take a break from the idiot box, methinks.

Interesting advice coming from a guy writing on the internet, I know.

Then there's this guy:

Matthew Felling, media director of the Center For Media and Public Affairs, credits weak competition, not storylines, with the show's success.

"I think 'Friends' ' success lies partly in the diversity of its characters but mostly 'Friends' enjoyed the benefits of a very weak decade in television entertainment. Were they on top? Were they champions? Sure, but the competition wasn't all that good to begin with," said Felling.

I'll buy that, except for the mind-boggling statement about the "diversity of its characters." When all is said and done, Friends won't be remembered for the quality of its writing or the talent of its cast, but because it was one of the whitest TV shows of the modern era. The occasional risqu� plot line and copious guest appearances won't distract from the fact that Friends was the Leave it to Beaver of the 1990s.

"How do you sleep at night?"
"On top of a pile of money, with many beautiful ladies."

The long, dark period of speculation is over:

The actors who voice Homer and Bart on The Simpsons are delighted with a huge pay rise which see them earning millions of dollars for their work on the hit animation show. Dan Castellaneta and Nancy Cartwright - who voice Homer and Bart respectively - are thrilled with their new contract following their battle with TV bosses at 20th Century Fox Television for a pay rise to $8 million each for the 22-episode 2004-05 season. The series producer explains, "We couldn't be happier to have reached a multi- year deal with the enormously talented cast of The Simpsons." The loss of even a few episodes of the animated hit show - a bulwark of Fox TV's schedule - would be financially painful for the network. The actors were earning $125,000 an episode before their contract dispute.

It doesn't say, but I have to assume they gave the same raise to each of the principal voice actors.

For better or worse, this means we'll be seeing new episodes for several years to come. I'll take it, even given the dramatic drop in quality over the last few seasons, especially since I've come to realize that The Simpsons would never get the chance to evolve as a show if it debuted today. Fox would saddle it with a 6 PM Sunday slot and NFL coverage would kill it. They did as much to a quality program like Futurama, now imagine those first couple seasons of The Simpsons and tell me it wouldn't have been canceled within four years.

The doctor is out

I know we're truly through the looking glass when an actor who's played the same tired role for 20 freaking years starts bitching about the public's viewing habits:

Frasier star Kelsey Grammer has attacked American TV viewers for addictively watching degrading reality shows, because it gives network bosses the motive to produce more. The sitcom actor - who earns a reported $2.7 million per episode of the long-running show - is furious TV bosses can only attract large audiences by unleashing an endless stream of "crass" reality programs. He says, "No one has cracked the nut of how to get viewership without being sensational or crass. Unfortunately, audiences are responding to people behaving badly."

I forget, did the tattooed dick jokes help ticket sales for Down Periscope?

He may have hit on something about people behaving badly, however, since I consider those episodes of Cheers where Grammer was coked out of his mind to be high points in sitcom history.

First, I would remind everyone that just because you play a psychiatrist on TV doesn't mean you actually have a post-graduate education. Second, Frasier recently featured a scene where - get this - Frasier's brother Niles passes out in the delivery room when his wife goes into labor. With cutting edge comedy bits like that, watching a show that features swimsuit models dumped in sewage probably seems like a qualitative step up.

False Idols

Taking a break from charging audiences $175 a ticket to hear 30-year old songs and appearing on overrated American sitcoms, Elton John is here to save us from ourselves:

NEW YORK (Reuters) - British Rock star Elton John, a guest judge this month on the U.S. talent hunt TV series "American Idol," said on Tuesday that he found the voting by the national viewing audience "incredibly racist."

John, who heard the wannabe pop stars perform his songs during an appearance on the FOX TV show, added his voice to a chorus of dissent that followed last week's shock exit of black vocalist Jennifer Hudson, considered one of the top talents among those vying for a recording contract.

I don't watch American Idol, but even I heard the howls of indignation after last week's vote that put three of the more talented (black, female) contestants "in danger" and booted (black, female) favorite Jennifer Hudson. Theories abound - from a power outage in the Chicago area (Hudson's hometown) that prevented friends and family from voting - to assumptions by fans of the "good" contestants that they would easily make the final round. Meanwhile, the (apparently) embarrassingly bad red-headed white guy continues to hang on.

Jesus, people...American Idol has been subjecting us to these karaoke bar rejects for three years now. Is it at all possible the talent pool has finally gotten a little diluted? Or here's a thought, maybe - in an unprecedented bid to keep ratings up - Fox execs engineered a little "controversy" to get people watching again.

It certainly got "Sir Elton's" dander up:

"The three people I was really impressed with, and they just happened to be black, young female singers, and they all seem to be landing in the bottom three," said John, commenting on the tally in which the lowest vote-getter is eliminated.

"They have great voices. The fact that they're constantly in the bottom three -- and I don't want to set myself up here -- but I find it incredibly racist," John said at a news conference promoting his Radio City Music Hall concert...

The show often gets more than 20 million people voting.

Yeah, well, there's your problem. Let's not forget Hanlon's Razor: "Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity." This may get a little circular, but the issue here is that the kind of people who would actually vote on a show like American Idol...vote on American Idol. How many voters on this show are teenaged girls (I'm going to go out on a limb and say, "a shitload")? Could the fact that one of the only remaining contestants is a teenaged boy have anything to do with it?

In a country where even the chronically spastic or borderlne retarded can get a recording contract, anything's possible.

The results moved show host Ryan Seacrest to remind viewers that the series was a talent hunt and not a popularity contest.

"America, don't forget you have to vote for the talent," Seacrest said before closing the show. "You cannot let talent like this slip through the cracks."

You tell 'em, Ryan. I think I speak for everyone when I say that a world deprived of From Justin to Kelly or Ruben Studdard's cameo on Scooby Doo 2 would be a dark place indeed.

UPDATE: Red-headed dude was voted off last night. Everyone can relax now and go back to preparing for ritual hara-kiri after the last episode of Friends.

"The new improved Kidz Newz...has been canceled."

Have the mighty Simpsons struck out?

No more d'oh?!

That may be the fate for the voice actors of The Simpsons and for fans of the long-running animated sitcom if the most recent contract dispute between the show's actors and Simpsons network Fox continues to simmer.

Six actors who provide the voices for dozens of Simpsons characters--Hank Azaria (Moe, Apu and Comic Book Guy), Nancy Cartwright (Bart and Nelson), Dan Castellaneta (Homer and Krusty), Julie Kavner (news) (Marge), Harry Shearer (news) (Mr. Burns and Smithers) and Yeardley Smith (news) (Lisa)--are asking the network for more d'oh, er, dough. Currently, the stars make $125,000 per episode, and they're looking for the powers that be to nearly triple that figure, to $360,000 per episode or almost $8 million a year for a 22-episode season.

Their other demand: profit participation, which is especially lucrative considering The Simpsons' potential merchandising, syndication and DVD profits. ...

Fox's response so far: no more dough. And, with negotiations still at an impasse earlier this week, Fox announced it would be forced to shorten the episode order for next season--which would definitely give fans a cow.

Some fans, maybe. As I've remarked before, I watch the new episodes more out of inertia than anything else. I'd be saddened at the thought of no more Simpsons, but- like most Americans - I'd soon be distracted by the next Baywatch TV movie or COPS at Mardi Gras.

Besides, Matt Groening has been a constant pain in Fox's ass, and his discontent has only increased since Futurama was given the axe. It may seem hard to believe that the network would kill its golden goose, and the show that put them on the map, but it wouldn't be the first time they'd shot down a popular series (Buffy or Freaks and Geeks, anyone?).

Still, $360,000 an episode? Should anyone but professional athletes and runway models really make that kind of money?

According to Yeardley Smith's agent, John Kelly, however, Fox's refusal to play ball with the actors is not just about money but is tantamount to a lack of acknowledgement of the actors' contributions to the wildly successful franchise. Fox claims the figure is high, but the actors' reps have estimated that Springfieldian saga has earned Fox and the show's executive producers more than $2.5 billion since it debuted in 1989.

"The issue is twofold," Kelly told the New York Times. "The personalities that the audience identifies with for each of these characters don't come from the drawings but from the personalities of the characters, which are provided by the actors. The second thing is there are 40-some regular characters on the show. They're all voiced by these six actors."

Well, yeah...but 30 of those are voiced by three people:

Hank Azaria - Carl, Chief Wiggum, Moe, Apu, Snake, Dr. Nick, Prof. Frink, Comic Book Guy, Superintendent Chalmers, Cletus, Lou, a buttload of supporting characters
Nancy Cartwright - Bart, Nelson Muntz, Ralph
Dan Castellaneta - Homer, Grandpa, Groundskeeper Willie, Barney, Mayor Quimby, Krusty, Sideshow Mel
Julie Kavner - Marge, Patty, Selma,
Harry Shearer - Mr. Burns, Smithers, Lenny, Principal Skinner, Otto, Jasper, Herman, Flanders, Kent Brockman, Rev. Lovejoy, Dr. Hibbert, Capt. McAllister, Eddie
Yeardley Smith - Lisa

Why not give them raises commensurate to the amount of work they do and tell the others to piss up a rope? Shearer and Azaria get a nice raise, Castellaneta gets a bump, and everyone else - sorry to say - is out of luck.

And, though The Simpsons actors' reps argue that their clients should receive the same level of compensations that actors on live-action hits like Friends and Everybody Loves Raymond enjoy, the argument against that comparison is that actors on live-action shows work full time on their series, and often, because of time commitments, to the exclusion of outside projects. The Simpsons voice talent, on the other hand, typically works two half days for each episode.

Yeah, that's the other thing. It does seem stingy of Fox not to share out some of the profits, but I'm having trouble summoning my inner reserves of righteous indignation for someone making $15,625 an hour.

They saved Hitler's libido

April is Hitler-iffic on Cinemax. First, a documentary that presents the groundbreaking hypothesis that Hitler's repressed homosexuality might have been a motivator for his campaign of violence aginst gays:

Nearly 60 years after his death, Adolf Hitler continues to hold a perverse fascination for the public, with more than 125,000 books about his deeds and dementia, and numerous films and TV shows seeking to uncover the hidden motives that may have fueled a madman. But could the Nazi dictator - who was responsible for one of the worst campaigns of anti-gay persecution in history -- have concealed one explosive secret? Could Adolf Hitler have been homosexual?

From the team of Fenton Bailey and Randy Barbato, THE HIDDEN FUHRER: DEBATING THE ENIGMA OF HITLER'S SEXUALITY examines the revelations about Hitler that were made in the best-selling book "The Hidden Hitler," by German historian Lothar Machtan by using recently discovered archival documents, rare footage and photos, and interviews with authors and experts who discuss Machtan's work.

As if there's any doubt. That SS look was hot hot hot.

Rumors about Hitler's sexuality have been around since before the end of the war. There's the one about how he died a virgin, even given his 11th hour marriage to Eva Braun, as well as the often floated gay allegations. I don't agree that such examination has no place in the historical record of WWII and the Third Reich. Researching the reasons behind Hitler's extermination of Jews, gypsies, and homosexuals isn't analagous to Usenet debates about Michael Stipe or Kevin Spacey, after all.

Having said that, I note with some trepidation that the show is produced by the same duo behind HBO's Shock Video and MTV's special on Plushies and Furries. I'll probably check it out, but I won't be surprised if The Hidden Fuhrer is more Hitler: The True Hollywood Story than the BBC's The Nazis.

More promising is Blind Spot:

In 1942, at the height of World War II, Adolf Hitler hired 22-year old Traudl Junge as his private secretary. At the time, the naive Junge viewed the Fuhrer as a surrogate father figure, a gentle man in private, who was nothing like the crazed rhetorician of his speeches. But as the Nazi regime teetered on the brink of destruction, Junge became a firsthand witness to Hitler's plunge into delusion, apathy and depression.

Speaking out for the first time after more than a half-century of silence, Junge sheds new light on the private life of Adolf Hitler.

Junge died a day after Blind Spot's premiere. Guess she had some things to get off her chest.

"Who knows what adventures they'll have between now and the time the show becomes unprofitable?"

Well there's trouble,
Right here in Springfield.
That's trouble with a 'T,'
That rhymes with 'D,'
And that stands for deadlocked contract negotiations:

LOS ANGELES - The actors who provide the voices for the cartoon characters on the long-running TV show The Simpsons have stopped work in a bid to force a settlement of lengthy contract renewal talks, Daily Variety reported in today's edition.

The Hollywood trade paper said the six actors have not shown up for two script readings in the past few weeks, holding up production on the hit satire's upcoming 16th season.

It quoted insiders as saying each cast member is asking for about $360,000 an episode, or $8 million for a 22-episode season. Each member currently earns $125,000 an episode. The highest-paid star in TV is Ray Romano, who reportedly earns between $1.7 million and $2 million per episode of his Emmy-winning series Everybody Loves Raymond.

Everybody Loves Raymond is also in the top 10 every week. The days when The Simpsons cracked the top 20 in the Nielsens have gone the way of Arsenio's fade and budget surpluses. The show still consistently scores well with the coveted 18-49 demographic, but hasn't been in the upper strata of TV rankings for years.

The last Simpsons work dispute was in 1998, at a time when the actors were making $30,000 per episode. The show's producer, Twentieth Century Fox TV, hired casting directors in five cities to replace most of them before both sides worked out a new deal and resumed production.

Just think of all the Darin from Bewitched jokes we could've made. All the same, $30,000 an episode was pretty weak by TV standards. But $360K a week for standing behind a microphone in sweats and flip-flops while overdubbing a few extra takes of "Ay caramba?" Someone tell Matt Groening that I do a great Apu.

Much as I hate to do it, maybe it's once again time to reopen the debate on whether or not The Simpsons should, like a faithful pet that's finally become too inconvenient to live with, be put down.

Okay, maybe "put down" is a mite harsh.

When was it? Was it Season 9, with the infamous "Armin Tamzarian" and "All Singing All Dancing" episodes? Season 12? That's the one that gave us the excruciating "Tennis the Menace" (Pete Sampras is boring even as a cartoon) and "The Great Money Caper." Some continue to insist Conan O'Brien was the best writer they've had, and that the show hasn't been the same since "Marge vs. The Monorail" in Season 4. I tend to trace my feelings of dissatisfaction to the first time Marge said, "My bad" or "What's the dilly, yo?" Whenever that was.

We can nip the Conan thing in the bud right here. The guy only wrote three episodes, so calling him the "best writer ever" on The Simpsons is asinine (give me John Swartzwelder any day). And while I'm still very conscious of the fact that I've been enjoying free entertainment from Groening and Co. for the last 15 years, that won't keep me from making these minor suggestions to help them keep my ass parked on the couch Sunday nights.

1. Deprogram the Cult of Celebrity. It was one thing for the show to have a handful of "guest stars" returning periodically to reprise favorite roles (Kelsey Grammer, Phil Hartman, Joe Mantegna), but only a few shows in a given season these days are celebrity-free. Most, in fact, have several (this season's "The Regina Monologues" - featuring Tony Blair, J.K. Rowling, and Sir Ian McKellen being one of the latest bad examples). Once in a while is fine, but it feels too routine at this point. And consider showing a little restraint. I mean, N'Sync? In the early seasons, Azaria and Shearer would've voiced the band, right before they were attacked by orcas.

2. What About the Boy? Okay, we get it. Homer has morphed from the well-meaning, if slightly dim, father figure of the first few seasons into an unhinged tsunami of id who acts without any logical or narrative tether. Good stuff, but there are other characters. Bart was the focus early on, and Lisa and Marge have had some decent episodes centered around them, but Homer has been done to death, and claims by the producers that they're just giving the audience what they want is contradicted by the show's dwindling ratings. Mix up the main character focus of the episodes, and don't be afraid to go to the secondary characters more often.

3. "The Simpsons Are Going to Mars!" The show has managed to pull itself back up to semi-respectably after some real low points in the 12th and 13th season, thanks largely to a reliance on plots that are more centered in some sort of reality. Obviously, Marge getting breast implants and Homer getting a talk show are strange definitions of "reality," but compared to "Sweets and Sour Marge" and "A Tale of Two Springfields," they might as well be My Antonia. The show's strongest episodes were, arguably, those that exposed the anarchy in everyday situations.

4. Hell-O-Ween Guys, it might be time to retire the Simpsons Halloween Special. Several of the vignettes in recent years have been rehashes of earlier ideas, and the horror aspect (hell, even the sci-fi aspect) has been replaced with the merely weird, which works just as well in a regular episode. And if you must keep the Halloween episode, could you make some kind of effort to have it air before October 31? I'd even sit through Fox's NFL postgame for that.

5. More Krusty. Hey, I like Krusty. Fuck off.

Next up, my plan for peace in the Middle East.

And Full House aired for 8 seasons

MSN Entertainment, not usually known for it's cutting edge showbiz reporting, nevertheless has a list of some interest: Top 10 Canceled TV Shows. And what would a list featured on APCB be without searing clinical analysis? Completely out of character, that's what.

10. The Tick (November 2001 to January 2002): Yeah, okay...I enjoyed the three episodes of The Tick I actually caught (there were nine total), but this one never had a chance. It featured a lead character maybe a hundred people over the age of 25 have ever heard of, and I don't think it played consecutively for three weeks in the same time slot, as Fox predictably abandoned any pretense of support (this from the same network that aired 20 episodes of The Crew).

Inexplicably, the entire run is available on DVD, which has to make it the shortest-lived network television series ever to be released on disc.

9. My So-Called Life (August 1994 to January 1995): Bleagh. I wasn't that far removed from my teen years when this series aired, which goes a long way towards explaining why I couldn't stand it. Oh, it's better than, for example, Beverly Hills 90210, but that's like saying COPS features more realistic police brutality than Real Stories of the Highway Patrol. The acting in this show was uniformly decent, but my complaint about MSCL is the same for all shows of this ilk; who the hell wants to revisit adolescence? If you're going to subject audiences to horrible memories of acne, unrequited love, and afternoon thrashings behind the band hall, at least put a humorous spin on it (see #2).

8. The Ben Stiller Show (September 1992 - January 1993): Proof that Ben Stiller actually used to be funny, Janeane Garofalo used to wear make-up, and Bob Odenkirk is still criminally underappreciated. Several sketches still hold up ("Ask Manson," "Cape Munster"), even if many seem hopelessly dated ("The Grungies," "Melrose Heights"). Taken on its own merits, TBSS is a nice warm up for the much better Mr. Show (see #1).

7. Sports Night (September 1998 to May 2000): Again I say 'bleagh.' Sports Night's enduring popularity is further proof of Aaron Sorkin's Mesmero-like hypnotic powers. How else do you explain critical accolades given to a show featuring a bunch of people repeating their lines back to each other? Repeatedly?

The mind boggles...only if Sorkin wrote it, it would be more like this:

Dan: The mind boggles.
Casey: The mind boggles?
Natalie: How does a mind 'boggle?'
Dan: It just does.

Where's my Emmy? Better yet, why isn't Get A Life listed here instead?

6. Firefly (September 2002 to December 2002): The wailing and gnashing of teeth that accompanied the cancellation of Firefly demonstrated that geeks have yet to learn that genre programming stands little chance of making it on the networks. For every Buffy the Vampire Slayer, there are two dozen fantasy/sci-fi/horror TV shows without hot blonde girls in the lead that don't make it to syndication. Firefly, like The Tick, never got into a groove. Fox strikes again.

5. NewsRadio (March 1995 to July 1999): Fans of NewsRadio had to wait until the 11th hour every season to hear if it would be back on the air the next year. And a four-year run is really better than I expected for this, even though I consider it one of the funniest network TV shows ever made (and that for the "Stargate Defender" episode alone). Great ensemble cast, highlighted by Phil Hartman, Stephen Root, and Dave Foley. The show couldn't survive Hartman's death and NBC pulled the plug after 97 episodes, meaning we'd never learn if Mr. James really was D.B. Cooper.

4. Family Guy (January 1999 to 2001): Given that Family Guy is coming back to TV, I don't know if it really merits inclusion on this list. I run hot and cold with the show, myself, though there have been some great moments ("Diamonds: she'll pretty much have to").

3. Homicide: Life on the Street (January 1993 - August 1999): Does a show that aired for seven seasons really deserve to be included with those that didn't even break the ten episode mark? Besides, HBO's The Wire (written by Homicide creator David Simon) is doing it better these days. Homicide was a great show in its time, but The Wire may be the best show on TV.

2. Freaks and Geeks (September 1999 to July 2000)/Undeclared (September 2001 to March 2002): Pity poor Judd Apatow, creator of F&G and Undeclared; both cult sensations, both canceled after one season. Unlike My So-Called Life, Freaks and Geeks managed to make high school something I could look back on without wincing. Well, without wincing much. I never saw Undeclared, however.

1. Mr. Show with Bob and David (September 1995 to December 1998): There's a reason people get HBO, and it isn't the movie selection. HBO's original programming is top notch, as long as you ignore crap like Arli$$ and the bowel cramp-inducing Sex and the City. I've already mentioned The Wire, but by far my favorite series - on HBO or anywhere - was Mr. Show. MSN's wrong, though: HBO didn't cancel it. Bob Odenkirk and David Cross (if their website is to be believed) more or less grew sick of dealing with shoestring budgets (expressed in the occasional swipe at other HBO fare) and timeslots of the "Mondays at 1 AM" variety, and pulled the plug themselves. Some sketches were weaker than others, but I don't think there was a bad episode in its four season run. You can also see Jack Black and Sarah Silverman at the beginning of their careers, and Tom Kenny before he became the voice of Sponge Bob. The first three seasons are available on DVD, with the 4th coming (hopefully) later this year.

Now, what about Misfits of Science?

More of the "Boob Tube"

I knew something was up. While The Wife and I were watching Courtney Love slowly descend into the maelstrom last night on The Late Show with David Letterman, I had a feeling she was on the verge of doing something else to ensure she never gets custody of her daughter back. Typically, just as Dave was introducing her performance, the PVR cut in to switch the TV over to record Chappelle's Show. We considered turning back, but figured it wasn't that big a deal. As a result, we missed the ensuing breast baring(s) and - from the looks of the pics I've seen - Dave's delightfully gleeful expression.

In retrospect, I might have known that she'd lack the creativity to improve on Janet Jackson's previous flash job. She should have at least clubbed Paul Shaffer with her guitar.

I want my furshlugginer Daily Show

This sort of punches a hole in all that pro-satellite dish propaganda we've been hearing the last few years:

DISH Network sincerely regrets that all MTV, BET, Comedy Central, Nickelodeon and VH1 programming is currently unavailable. Viacom owned CBS stations are also unavailable at this time.

These channels and CBS stations, owned by Viacom, have proposed excessive rate increases which we feel are unreasonable. Viacom is demanding rate increases nearly 4 times the rate of inflation for various cable channels, amounting to hundreds of millions of dollars in fees that would increase the cost of our services to you.

Well, tthhhhppht. Houston's CBS station (KHOU) is owned by Belo, so Bayou City fans of Yes, Dear and Still Standing can halt their preparations for self-immolation. As a DISH subscriber, I'm not going to shed any tears over the loss of MTV or VH1 (which seems to consist of an endless loop of I Love the 80s anyway), but Comedy Central is one of the few channels I watch with any regularity. Maybe if the companies who own the Food Channel and Lifetime Movie Network jacked up their rates and got those channels pulled, it might even things out.

This is an interesting stand-off. DirecTV has already agreed to a rate hike, so if Viacom blinks, DTV will likely be a little upset. If DISH gives in, subscribers' bills will probably go up. In the meantime, I'll be relegated to watching taped episodes of Travel Sick and Insomniac.

Or, you know, reading a book.

UPDATE (3/11/2004): The two greedy media behemoths have settled their dispute. And just in time for the planned Corey Haim/Corey Feldman series on VH1 (see above).

The Seuss is loose

The results of my poll asking what the greatest TV Christmas special of all time is are in. Actually, they were probably in a couple weeks ago, I kind of forgot about it. Anyway, the masses have spoken, and the winner is...

With a whopping 43% of the vote, The Grinch easily distanced itself from its nearest competitors, A Charlie Brown Christmas and the Star Wars Holiday Special. And I'm not even taking votes for the latter seriously.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer came in a distant fourth, barely beating Frosty and The Year Without a Santa Claus. Poor show, antler-boy.

"Whether you're Christian or just non-Jewish, everyone loves Santa Claus."

Last night, Greg challenged me to write an entry about the best Christmas television special ever made. He asserted that the all-time champion of Yuletide TV is Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. I scoffed, and a brief scuffle ensued. After incapacitating him with the sleeper hold, I got to thinking...which one is the best? They come and go, like Angels after Farrah left, but there's a decent handful that have endured for decades, becoming embedded in our already pop culture-glutted consciousness.

And so, today we are going to settle the question once and for all: what is the greatest Christmas TV special of all time?

UPDATE: I covered mandatory Christmas movies a few months ago. This poll is solely for holiday TV shows.

I'm not going to get into the issue of whether you believe in Jesus, or Santa Claus for that matter. If you were alive, American, and able to hold your head up unassisted in the 1970s, there's a good chance you're familiar with most of these films. For those of you who may be a little hazy, here's a brief chronological recap of our contestants. I've excluded obvious marketing opportunities like the Jetsons or Flintstones Xmas specials (with one exception...you'll know it when you see it), and anything made post-1978.

1. Mr. Magoo's Christmas Carol (1962) - Less a children's special than a particularly odd Dickens adaptation featuring legally blind protagonist Mr. Magoo stumbling through the proceedings. Minimalist in the best early 1960s tradition, it nonetheless deserves mention solely for the song, "We're Despicable."

2. Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964) - The stop-motion freakshow that started this whole mess. How Arthur Rankin and Jules Bass stretched a 2 minute song into a 47 minute epic chock full of prospectors, an elf that wants to be a dentist (and the hostile workplace he has to endure), and an abominable snowman some three thousand miles from his native Himalayas remains a mystery to modern science.

3. A Charlie Brown Christmas (1965) - Foreboding anti-commercial message served with a heaping helping of New Testament quotes and long stretches of children dancing like freaky beatniks. The Peanuts characters are still universally loved, which has kept this otherwise spare and poorly animated offering alive for almost 40 years. Me, I prefer It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown.

4. How the Grinch Stole Christmas! (1966) - Ignore any later live-action versions with extreme prejudice and concentrate on the dulcet tones of Boris Karloff, the Herculean labors of Max the dog, and the altogether creepy Whos. I was always disappointed that Santa never showed up during the Grinch's felonious caper and beat the shit out of him. As a bonus bit of trivia, Thurl Ravenscroft (singer of "You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch") later became the voice of Tony the Tiger.

5. The Little Drummer Boy (1968) - Rankin and Bass are back. And this time: it's Biblical. Aaron the titular misanthropic percussionist whiles away his days bitching about mankind with his Orwellian-looking animal friends until the coming of the baby Jesus teaches him to love again. TLDB would become one of the last straight-up Bible stories shown on network TV, and doesn't air on the Big 3 anymore.

6. Frosty the Snowman (1969) - As I grow older and less tolerant, I really find myself sympathizing with Prof. Hinkle in this one. I mean, the fat, frozen fuck took off across state lines with his magic hat. What's the man supposed to do, laugh it off and subsequently teach our children to be willing victims of crime? Melting's too good for him, and book Santa as an accessory while you're at it.

7. Santa Claus is Comin' to Town (1970) - For all the teeming throngs of fans clamoring for the mysterious origin of Santa Claus, this one's for you. A young Kris Kringle saves the children of Sombertown (sister city to Bartertown) from their mean old mayor and, in the process, meets his eventual wife. And let me tell you, the future Mrs. Claus is disturbingly hot for a Claymation figure.

8. The Year Without a Santa Claus (1974) - What would happen if Santa decided he didn't want to work on Christmas Eve, the one freaking day of the year he's expected to put the bong down and atually get some work done? I'm not sure, but it has something to do with Heat and Cold Misers and really frightening looking doll-like children. Not as fun as you remember. Trust me.

9. 'Twas the Night Before Christmas (1974) - Not only is Santa lazy, he apparently has the capacity for petty revenge. After Albert the smart-ass mouse(!) writes a letter to the editor calling the not-so-jolly old elf's existence into question, Santa strikes a whole town off his list. Do the townspeople kill Albert? Well...maybe, but if so it happens offscreen. Before that, they have to prove their worthiness. In the space of ten short years, Santa Claus has transformed from the benevolent patriarch of Rudolph into a vengeful demi-god. Sweet.

10. The Star Wars Holiday Special (1978) - George Lucas commented once that if he had the time he would track down every bootlegged copy of this and destroy it. Good luck. Han Solo takes Chewie back to his home planet for "Life Day" and hugs everyone. Princess Leia sings. Bea Arthur, Harvey Korman, and Jefferson Starship put in appearances. There's a great collection of pics here, and a nice review here.

Now vote, damn you.

"What's so unappealing about hearing your elderly father talk about sex?"

The end times are upon us:

Has sexual anthropologist Carrie Bradshaw run out of questions?

Or is it that when women grow up, they stop trying to understand what makes relationships work?

Probably neither.

But after six lubricious seasons and 91 episodes, the 45-minute final installment of HBO's Sex and the City will air at 8 tonight, with an hourlong countdown special beginning at 7.

Only 91 episodes? Funny, it felt like so many more.

But it isn't just my local rag talking about the end of the show. Seems like all the major news outlets are getting into the act:

SAN FRANCISCO (Reuters) - Carrie, Samantha, Miranda and Charlotte say adieu on Sunday night to a nation captivated for six years by their frank sex talk, dating hijinks and outrageous outfits on HBO's "Sex and the City."

The show, which has been the subject of books and university courses and may become a feature movie, touched a chord with women who saw something of themselves in the characters struggling to find love, happiness and great shoes.

There's plenty more to be had: CNN's Wolf Blitzer has an interview with creator Darren Star, whom you may remember as the creator of such weighty TV fare as Melrose Place. And everyone from USA Today to the New York Times are falling all over each other to sum up the Sex and the City experience for the rest of us hopeless plebes.

I admit, I underestimated this show's appeal to women in flyover country: women who'd just as soon spend $300 on a pair of Manolo Blahniks as flush a payheck down the toilet. And yet (and ignoring the whole "university courses" angle), it seems like the amount of attention given to the show's imminent demise is a bit much.

What's the attraction? I ask this as a man who - while not naming names - knows many women near and dear to his heart who have been following the last season with the same unhealthy fascination usually reserved for fans of Babylon 5 and Buffy. It can't be the longevity of the series...hell, six seasons doesn't even outdo Perfect Strangers, and I can remember a nationwide sigh of relief when that dog finally called it quits. Same for Full House, which cast a pall over our great nation for eight years. Was it Sarah Jessica Parker's Doogie Howser-esque musings that drew audiences in? What about the vicarious boning of every man you ran into at the health club, a la Kim Cattrall?

Maybe it's something more prurient. Is dishing about the size of your boyfriend's penis groundbreaking television? Can all of you sympathize with Carrie when she has to choose between the hot, successful financier(?) Mr. Big and the hot, successful artist Aleksandr Petrovsky? How hard is it for everday women to relate to Samantha when she contracts breast cancer, even though you know her health insurance will cover everything but the wig?

Everyone wants to fall in love. I understand. But I'm afraid Sex and the City's legacy is going to be this manufactured parallel universe where every man who's not a goddamn cheating scumbag is either physically or emotionally unattainable. That's entertainment.

Whatever. One more show and I can start looking forward to the next season of The Wire.

"He's a street-smart fish-out-of-water in a world he never made!"

Presented with much comment, here's a partial list of several TV pilots being considered for the 2004-2005 season (courtesy of Die Puny Humans and Dangerous Universe).

"Enjoy:"

UNTITLED HENRY CHO PROJECT (ABC): Revolves around standup comic Henry Cho's experiences as a Korean-American born and raised in Tennessee. Matt Goldman ("Ellen," "Luis") is on board to write and executive the pilot to the project, which will David Janollari will also executive produce.

Henry Cho's stand-up is only mostly horrible, and I tend to think his whole, "Hey, look! I'm an Asian with a Southern accent!" routine wore thin around the time of the first Clinton preisdency. Besides, is mainstream America ready for a sitcom about a wacky Asian-American family so soon after the televised Hindenburg that was Margaret Cho's (no relation) All American Girl?

"THE FIVE PEOPLE YOU MEET IN HEAVEN" (ABC): Small screen version of Mitch Albom's bestselling novel "The Five People You Meet in Heaven."

For everyone whose bowels didn't spontaneously rupture after viewing Tuesdays With Morrie, ABC is giving Albom a chance to kill again.

"CHARLIE'S ANGELS" (ABC): Carlton Cuse ("Black Sash," "Nash Bridges") and John Wirth ("The District") have been tapped to bring the 1970s series back to the small screen. ABC has given a script commitment to Sony Pictures Television for the project along with a hefty penalty attached should it not go to pilot. It's not clear how or if the producers plan to fit into the movie franchise's continuity.

I must have missed something, because with the utter lack of anything resembling plot in either movie, I wasn't aware there was such a thing as franchise continuity. Put some Cylons in there, and some Daleks...hell, bring back KAOS. Go crazy.

"UNTITLED" (NBC): - Alyson Hannigan ("Buffy the Vampire Slayer") is officially on board the comedy pilot, which comes from NBC Studios. She'll play the eldest of two siblings who ends up reuniting with her brother after not speaking for 18 months.

18 months? Typical Hollywood fantasy. There are members of my family I haven't spoken to for 18 years.

UNTITLED PAUL REISER PROJECT (NBC): Comedy about a shallow fortysomething Los Angeles businessman and his no-nonsense therapist. Paul Reiser's NBC Studios-based Nuance Productions has received a cast-contingent pilot pickup.

Hot damn, more Paul Reiser. And in a vehicle that all of us can relate to: a sitcom about a businessman and his therapist.

Reiser's last role worth a crap was as Burke in Aliens, thanks solely to his horrible offscreen death. Mad About You drove me crazy the handful of times I was staked to an anthill and made to watch it because Reiser's character was such a complete dishrag. The title was also highly misleading, since I could never discern anything resembling affection emanating from Helen Hunt's dragon lady demeanor.

On an unrelated note, it seems Hunt is expecting her first child, finally answering the decades old question: "Can replicants breed?"

"THE OFFICE" (NBC): NBC's makeover of the Britcom hit "The Office." Millions pray that it is nothing like NBC's makeover of the Britcom hit "Coupling."

Millions need to find something to pray for that may actually come true, like Gregg Easterbrook being asked to speak at my local women's center.

"PEARL CITY"(A.K.A. HAWAII BLUE) (NBC): The ensemble drama tracks a group of detectives in Oahu, Hawaii. Jon Avnet ("Boomtown") is on board to direct the pilot, which received a production greenlight this week. Jeff Eastin ("Rush Hour 3") is writing and executive producing.

"From the writer of Rush Hour 3" has a nice ring to it, don't you think? Unfortunately, if Tom Selleck's not involved, I won't be watching. No Magnum, no peace.

"REVELATIONS" (NBC): Six-hour limited series which focuses on the final showdown between God and Satan as foretold in the Bible's book of Revelations. David Seltzer ("The Omen") and Gavin Polone ("Curb Your Enthusiasm") are the executive produces of the project.

Getting the jump on the rest of those Left Behind movies, I see. Too bad this was already done in that episode of Fantasy Island where Roddy McDowell played the Devil. How they plan on topping Montalban is anyone's guess.

"C.S.I.: NEW YORK" (CBS)

CBS hopes to keep bleeding its star franchise dry by continuing to show crime scene investigators acting like actual detectives (i.e. interrogating suspects who have some pathological aversion to calling a lawyer and arresting bad guys). Only they're in New York, so perhaps the CSIs this time around will also be armed with broom handles.

"DARK SHADOWS" (WB): By "ER" and "The West Wing" producer John Wells, based on the old vampire soap opera "Dark Shadows."

My impression of the WB pitch meeting for this: "It's The OC, only with vampires."

And I saved my favorite for last...

"FRANKENSTEIN" (USA): the series is expected to take place in present-day Seattle with both Dr. Frankenstein and his monster surviving the past two centuries thanks to genetic engineering on both subjects. The two are then discovered by a female cop and her partner through a routine homicide investigation. Over the course of the pilot, Frankenstein's monster joins forces with the cops and will combat Dr. Frankenstein and his other creations in successive weeks. From Martin Scorsese and author Dean Koontz.

"He's a patchwork collection of disinterred corpse parts powered by a stolen brain, she's a cop on the edge...they fight crime!"

I'm almost looking forward to being forced to watch The Wiggles.

Crane in vain

This, certainly, is the saddest news since Shannen Doherty left Beverly Hills 90210:

After failing to negotiate a lower price tag for a 12th season of Frasier, NBC is expected to announce today (Monday) that the show will air its final episode in May, the New York Times reported today.

Expect the swelling orchestra-accompanied farewell teasers to start up in February. Frasier gave up the ghost years ago, around the time the Niles and Daphne storyline offered us more pungent "very special moments" than that episode where Blossom lost her virginity.

No, the other one.

This is shaping up to be a sad year indeed for NBC, who will also be saying a long overdue goodbye to Friends. I can't say I'm sorry to see either series go, especially since the advertising blitz for both in the next few months will make the promos for the last couple John Ritter episodes of 8 Simple Rules seem absolutely dignified by comparison.

How badly do you think Bob Wright and Jeffrey Zucker are hoping that Kelsey Grammer or Jennifer Aniston dies in a car crash before May?

Fearless vampire viewers

As a horror movie fan, I've always been something of a masochist. I mean, I'll watch just about anything of the genre I can get my hands on - be it giant bugs, zombies, haunted house/ship/comet, or slasher - but the films that used to give me the biggest jolt were those that addressed two of my big childhood fears: sharks and vampires.

As far as sharks go, the first two Jaws movies are really all you've got to work with. "Shark Week" is good for a laugh, and Deep Blue Sea had its moments, but watching it I often found myself rooting for the sharks (especially to kill Saffron Burrows' dumbass character, who started the whole mess). I think most filmmakers realize that the first Jaws is pretty much impossible to top, which is why most shark attack movies made since 1975 tend to use stock shark footage (Shark Attack 3: Megalodon), or are such blatant rip-offs they're pulled from U.S. release (L'Ultimo Squalo).

Vampires, on the other hand, never go out of style.

My disdain for Anne Rice's vampire stylings is well-noted. As has been commented right here on this very blog, the emasculation of the classic bloodsucker goes back to (at least) Dark Shadows, continues through The Vampire Chronicles on up to the recently ended Buffy series. At least we were still treated to stuff like Blade and - love it or hate it - John Carpenter's Vampires to remind us that all bloodsuckers, without exception, must be destroyed.

Oh, and there's a remake of Stephen King's Salem's Lot coming out. Spoilers follow, usual disclaimer applies.

I saw the original Salem's Lot TV miniseries (directed by Tobe Hooper) before I actually read the book. I'm sure it initially caught my attention because Hutch was in it, but it did a good job scaring the bejeesus out of this particular pre-teen (and not just because I had nightmares about Danny Glick scratching on my bedroom window). I sought the book out soon after, and 20-odd years later it still ranks as one of the scariest I've ever read.

However, I did end up developing some annoyance with the TV-adaptation: why was Barlow made up to look like Nosferatu and not given any dialogue? What happened to Father Callahan's part? Why the hell couldn't it have been a theater release so Bonnie Bedelia could take off her clothes?

Anyway, the new version (shot in Australia) is set to air on TNT in June. Rob Lowe plays Ben Mears, Andre Braugher is teacher Matt Burke (a bit of a stretch), and James "Babe" Cromwell plays Father Callahan. Donald Sutherland and Rutger Hauer make up the Straker-Barlow tag team, which will amuse any fans of the original Buffy the Vampire Slayer movie. Fangoria has the first review up, and it's a favorable one, although the bit about lightning quick, spider-walking vampires has me a mite leery.

And I'm not sure how keen I am on Ben Mears reinvented as something out of Vampire: The Masquerade.

This shot, which I assume is the scene where Callahan, Mark Petrie, and Jimmy Cody look on while Ben stakes Sue, looks a little better. Cody was practically a nonentity in the first miniseries, which was too bad since he's one of the best characters in the book.

We'll see. At this point, as long as nobody gets impaled with an American flag, as in the atrocious 1987 sequel, I'll be happy.

Flying the not-so-friendly skies

I just hope no footage of me barking for another 7 and 7 shows up on the newest reality show (via Fark):

DALLAS (AP) � The star of the next reality television show isn't a model, an actor or a beach-dwelling survivor; it's an airline. The show follows employees of Southwest Airlines as they deal with weather delays, blackouts and passengers who are running late or too drunk or too smelly to board the plane. There are unhappy travelers and a few shouting matches.

Airline begins Monday night on the A&E Network, which plans to air 18 half-hour episodes. A&E executives believe it will make compelling television that travelers can easily grasp.

Frankly, this doesn't sound substantially different from shows like World's Most Embarrassing Bar Mitzvahs or When Courtney Love Attacks, but it's A&E, which is all about the class.

A&E officials said they approached all the largest U.S. carriers with the idea for the show, modeled on a program of the same name that has aired in the United Kingdom for more than six years.

Can anybody in the U.K. tell me if the BBC or Sky One makes shows based on American programming? If so, feel free take one of our shows featuring an attractive woman and her overweight, obnoxious husband.

Along with constant shots of Southwest planes and people, the show includes frequent praise for Southwest's customer service � delivered matter-of-factly by the narrator.

At the same time, many of the scenes show unhappy travelers complaining about one thing or another. A few vow never to fly Southwest again, and the show's overall tone doesn't exactly glorify air travel.

For people who don't regularly fly Southwest, I can see how the concept of open seating and no meals might merit some complaints. Otherwise, I've rarely had a bad experience with them.

And what's to glorify? I loathe air travel. The concept of a being sealed up in a giant metal object hurtling through space doesn't bother me so much as who I end up getting sealed up with. If it weren't for portable CD players and laptops, I might actually have to interact with the twitchy, patchouli-drenched Phish fan crammed next to me as he sweats out his nicotine addiction on the 4:15 from San Diego.

A&E solicited story ideas from Southwest customers. In one episode, a passenger let cameras follow him as he proposed to his girlfriend in mid-flight.

For the most part, however, Dubuc said, crews simply showed up at the gate or ticket counter and kept their cameras rolling until something interesting happened. She said none of the scenes were scripted or set up to heighten conflict.

Although I'm dubious about the logistics involved in having sex in an airplane restroom these days, I think A&E might want to consider marketing an "adult" version to HBO wherein the camera crew busts in on couples engaging in a little in-flght hanky panky.

Anyway, I'll probably end up watching this. I have a good friend who's a flight attendant for Southwest, and I'm eager to see if her particular brand of righteous ass-kicking will show up on any of the episodes.

Charlie Brown was right

Our last holiday-themed entry will address the joys of Christmas advertising.

- I though those Lexus commercials last year must have been a fluke. I mean, what kind of out-of-touch boneheads would try to convince the vast television-watching public that buying your significant other a luxury car is a viable gift option? Lexus obviously made the mistake of buying air time on the normal plebe networks and not the Filthy Rich Scumbags Who Have More Money Than Brains Channel (which is also where ads for the Hummer should be relegated).

- Using "Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairies" for your ad should be a hanging offense. Not because anything from "The Nutcracker" hasn't already been played to death over the last twenty years, but because so many companies use it there's no way to tell them apart. It's like satirically playing Muddy Waters' "Mannish Boy" in a movie to show a formerly dorky guy acting cool. Was that jingle supposed to remind me to buy a Norelco shaver or a Dustbuster? And why can't I get the images of Tom Cruise ("Risky Business") or John Cusack ("Better Off Dead") out of my head?

- Forget diamonds. Buy that special someone in your life Knights of the Old Republic for the Xbox or PS2. They'll thank you for it.

Happy holidays.

Was Gedde Watanabe booked?

To: ABC Network Programming Executives

The next time you're looking to cash in on the trend in organized crime sagas - i.e. your midseason "Sopranos"+"Law and Order" series "Line of Fire" - you might want to pick someone besides David Paymer to portray the sociopathic mob boss who instills abject terror in his subordinates. I've never given much thought either way to the guy who played Ira Shalowitz in the "City Slickers" movies, and I'm as anti-bully as the next person, but even I want to give Paymer a wedgie when I see those commercials. This may not be the reaction you were looking for.

Thank you for your time.

T-day TV

I'm not sure what the more gratifying football development was today: Brett Favre throwing 3 picks and fumbling once against the Lions (I'm playing against him this week in fantasy football); or the Cowboys getting their collective asses handed to them by the Dolphins. Whichever, it rapidly became obvious that CBS and Fox don't take their Thanksgiving Day advertising as seriously as they do on other big game days. All with good reason, since I imagine many people watch football on Thanksgiving out of inertia more than any real interest in how far out of the playoff hunt the Lions are that year. Bowl games, the division playoffs, and the Super Bowl all supposedly mean something, so the networks roll out the big commercials.

With Dallas choking like Michael Hutchence against Miami, and because my father-in-law doesn't have a TiVo, I started paying more attention to the commercials. Most were asinine (if I see another "That thing got a hemi?" Dodge ad I'm gonna commit an aggravated felony), some were mildly amusing (the Miller human dominoes got a chuckle), and one was rather strange. I speak of the Target commerical with the drummers.

Target has some decent ads. I thought the one that culminates with the Kool-Aid guy crashing through the wall was nicely droll. Or maybe it was nostalgia, but whatever. Their new one features an older guy and a young woman banging away on their respective drum kits while the screen, as Rainier Wolfcastle might say, "shouts slogans at you." I quickly pegged the girl as Donna C of...big surprise, The Donnas. However, it took a repeat viewing to realize the dude was, in fact, Bun E. Carlos of Cheap Trick.

I like the Donnas. I saw them a couple years ago when they played Fitzgerald's and it wasn't a bad show. I used to like Cheap Trick. I saw them twice in College Station in the early 1980's when they were literally the only band who would come there to play. Much as I appreciated the merging of two acts I enjoy(ed), it still seemed odd.

Which reminded me of the strangest commerical pairing I've ever seen in a TV commercial. Bun and Donna may appear to be a weird choice for a celebrity endorsing duet, and they are, but at least both of them are drummers. Even the Cyndi Lauper-Anastacia combo in that Dr. Pepper commerical makes some sense, as they're both singers. No, the weirdest celeb-meld I've ever seen actually, to this day, makes me think I might have hallucinated it: an animated Mike Ditka and Cathy from the "Cathy" comic strip pimping for McDonalds.

I don't remember much (cognitive celebrity dissonance can do that): Ditka and Cathy are driving in a car and grumbling at each other. They end up at McDonalds, order food, and grumble some more. End commercial. I was immediately so confused I became frantic. Why was Cathy driving Ditka to McDonalds? Did his car break down? Didn't he have buddies he could call? How could he be friends with a whiny, self-absorbed character like Cathy?

Oh no...you don't think they...slept together? And she was driving him to breakfast the next morning? Iron Mike and Cathy the Annoyingly Repetitive Dingbat bumping uglies? The walls in the 53rd Precinct are bleeding!

Oh well, it could have been worse.

Wings over Miami

Try as I might to avoid it, I occasionally get roped by into watching "CSI: Miami" by The Wife. The original "CSI" is okay, mostly because I'm a fan of William L. Petersen, but the Miami variant tends to be preachy, David Caruso's character is insufferably full of himself, and I can't help shouting "Slater-san!" every time Rory Cochrane's character is on screen. Therefore, it was with pleasant surprise that I realized the role of the evil pit crew chief in tonight's Grand Prix episode was none other than B-movie actor extraordinaire Wings Hauser.

Good old Wings. He appeared in one or two respectable films ("A Soldier's Story" being the only one I can remember now), but by and large he's played the heavy in a 25-year succession of crappy low budget flicks. His crowning achievement (if you want to call it that) was as the pimp Ramrod in 1982's "Vice Squad," but he's shown up in everything from "Beastmaster 2" to "Street Asylum" (starring with G. Gordon Liddy, no less) to "Original Gangstas."

Wings is father to Cole Hauser, who can be seen in "Dazed and Confused" (with the aforementioned Rory Cochrane) and "Pitch Black." Wings, however, is still The Man. He supplemented his movie roles with guest spots in some of my all-time favorite TV shows, such as "Magnum, P.I.," "The A-Team," and "China Beach" (note: "China Beach" is included solely for Dana Delany-related reasons). I may not be the biggest fan of the show, but seeing him on "CSI: Miami" was a real treat.

And he even got to play the bad guy. Outstanding.

The emasculation of Nick Lachey continues

I'd make a Sonny and Cher joke, except Cher can actually act.

Jessica Simpson to get own series

Simpson has inked a development deal with ABC to star in a comedy series project for the network targeted for fall 2004, which will be executive produced by Ted Harbert and the singer's father-manager, Joe Simpson.

"She was delightful in a room, she was charming and poised and funny, and the networks responded, but ABC's been wonderful through this," [Harbert] said. "We think Jessica exudes that all-American charm that I think ABC identifies themselves with, and, in our mind, it is a perfect fit that can go on any of their comedy nights."

Yeah, I can think of two things the networks responded to.

Lucky for the networks they finally have someone to fill the "vacuous human Barbie" slot now that Pamela Anderson isn't doing "V.I.P" anymore.

Joe Simpson called the deal with ABC "a great and logical next step for Jessica and the evolution of her career."

You knew this was coming...

The Evolution of Jessica Simpson's Career

2004 - TV show debuts on ABC
2004 - Divorce from Nick Lachey
2005 - TV show canceled
2006 - Latest album opens at #117 on the Billboard charts, sandwiched between Justin Timberlake's "Shatner!" and "I Swear...I'm Really Dead" by Tupac Shakur
2007 - Record label drops Simpson; signs Shatner, Tupac
2008 - Simpson marries Corey Feldman, father heralds start of movie career
2009 - Bit part as "Second pudding wrestler" in "Scary Movie 7"
2010 - Divorce from Feldman
2011 - Lets hair return to normal color, releases self-produced album of protest songs
2011 - Album debuts at #7,043
2012 - Father fires Simpson; adopts Michelle Branch and Tupac
2013 - Simpson and Lachey reunited at Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction ceremony for 98 Degrees
2014 - Writes memoirs, includes "candid" honeymoon photos
2014 - Books spends 37 weeks atop New York Time bestseller list

References to "Hollywood Squares" and "Match Game" left out for reasons of being too obvious, even for this blog.

Celebrity deathmatch

No word yet on who won the ratings war between the competing "teenage girl in distress" TV-movies about Jessica Lynch and Elizabeth Smart that aired last night. But the entertainment headlines ("Lynch, Smart Duke It Out in Dueling TV Movies") give a pretty clear indication of the show the networks really wish they could have showed us:

Sunday! Sunday! Sunday!

Clash of the Teenage Titans!

Elizabeth Smart - The Salt Lake Superstar vs. Jessica "Bronze Star" Lynch in a no-holds barred BATTLE ROYALE. Two teens enter, one woman leaves!

The winner will be showered with copious sympathy and adulation. The loser...will also be showered with sympathy and adulation, but a less attractive actress will portray her in the biopic.

Only on Pay Per View! Call your local cable operator now!

And so on. Normally I'd give the edge to the person with actual combat training in this case, but Lynch has yet to prove she can hold her own, mano a mano. Smart is a good deal younger, yet no one really knows what kind of freaky wilderness survival training she received while being held by Gandalf...er, Brian Mitchell.

Hopefully things will calm down so America will have time to look forward to the upcoming TV movie about Shoshana Johnson. Because the networks are clawing all over themselves to film the story of that "other" female POW from the 507th who actually fought back against her captors, right?

Right.

Treehouse of Boredom

I echo the thoughts of Michele at A Small Victory, who was none too impressed with tonight's "Treehouse of Horror" episode of "The Simpsons." Not only is it lame to premiere the Halloween episode two days after Halloween (a fact not lost on Kang and Kodos, thankfully) but it lacked anything resembling horror. The only saving grace was "Frinkenstein," because any Frink is good Frink (and Jerry Lewis as Frink's dad was an inspired touch).

The other vignettes were simply weak. One of the writers must have skimmed On A Pale Horse recently, or possibly read the Cliff Notes, and if you must parody a mediocre sci-fi flick, it should probably be one that a majority of your audience actually saw.

I know: bitch, bitch, bitch. But frankly, it's their own damn fault. Groening and company made some of the best television of all time (and having watched snippets of "CBS at 75" tonight, I feel secure in saying this...*shudder* Jim Nabors...). Naturally, the bar's set a little higher than for, say, "According to Jim." The last few seasons have still offered some peaks in quality ("Bye Bye Nerdie," "Weekend at Burnsies"), but the valleys are becoming deeper and longer lasting ("A Tale of Two Springfields," just about all of Season 13).

Typically, I don't have a lot in the way of suggestions: not relying so much on "guest stars" to pad the episodes out might be a start. And you can never have too much Krusty. Other than that, I'm keenly aware of Bart's comments to Comic Book Guy regarding the fact that the makers of the show don't owe me jack squat. I'm trying to be constructive here because I am such a big fan, and because I want to be able to argue convincingly that 7 PM Sundays must remain "Simpsons" time in my house.

Not that I expect a serious challenge from "American Dreams" anytime soon.

Jesus - The True Hollywood Story

ABC is airing "Jesus, Mary, and Da Vinci" tomorrow night, a news special which purports to examine the "unknown story" behind the J-Man:

The best-selling novel The Da Vinci Code has sparked a vigorous debate by raising a number of provocative questions � most notably, was the historical Jesus really a married man?

It would explain why he didn't mind being crucified.

Ba-dump-tch

What, me furry?

The "C.S.I." episode about furries (more specifically, fursuiters) aired this evening and, owing karma for a past-life dog kicking, I ended up watching it. As expected, the show essentially portrayed the entire subculture as horny, deviant geeks (you know when they bring the UV evidence light out it isn't going to be good).

I have little knowledge of the furry phenomenon, beyond a few people I know who are involved in the scene and what I've seen online (which, granted, runs the gamut from "mostly harmless" to "you did what?"). I've heard arguments that the movement is a modern manifestation of Native American totemism, just as it's been opined that it's a manifestation of scary dorks who have suddenly decided to roam among mankind and forage.

When it comes down to it though, they're really just another group of geeks. Sure, they may creep people out more than the average role-playing gamer type, but there are all kinds of fetishes out there, and far be it from a guy with an affinity for talentless pop singers dressed as a certain Amazonian superhero to cast aspersions. At any rate, they've come a long way from the hallucinatory BJ scene in "The Shining" (Kubrick was ahead of his time in more ways than one) to being ridiculed on the most popular TV show in the country. Hold those freaky, oversized heads high, you magnificent anthropomorphic bastards!

I don't even consider furries to be that out there on the weirdness scale. The Thing That Walks Like a Man sent me this link, documenting the geekiest hobbies around. Furries ranked pretty high (though not as high as LARPers, who still scare the crap out of me). But for my money, they fall roughly like so in this incomplete and totally arbitrary spectrum of kink:

Civil War re-enacters
Nun fetishists
Crewcuts
WAM
Dudes who dress like any Sailor Moon character
Coulrophiles
Furries
"Pinnochia"
Vore - for those who were turned on by Quint's death in "Jaws"
Infantilism
"O'Reilly Factor" viewers
Medical fetishists (including enemas but not "naughty nurses")
Menstruation

And on down the line. "Episode I" fans, for example, would be somewhere in the bottom rank with the rest of the extreme masochists. Furries just aren't that odd, relatively speaking.

There's a kink for everything, and sooner or later it'll all be lampooned on a TV show. Better "C.S.I." than "Whoopi," I guess.

Geek TV question

If a low-budget, genre TV series that ran for a few years and hardly anybody ever watched is getting a DVD release, then where the hell are my "Blake's 7" discs?

I watched "Forever Knight" back when I was living in an efficiency in Maryland with no cable and no friends, which may be tainting my recollection somewhat. But what I remember is a moderately well-written vampire cop show with a budget that made "Doctor Who" look like "Star Trek: The Next Generation." I also remember running across maybe five people since who have ever seen it. Not the most scientific of polls, perhaps, but surely there are other TV shows Sony could release first, such as:

"Bewitched"
"I Dream of Jeannie"
"Men in Black - The Series"
"Quark"

Yet with all these arguably more popular properties, Sony chooses to go with "Forever Knight." They must know something I don't.

And as long as "Who's the Boss?" remains locked away, the sun will shine a bit brighter.

The Horror...

Fangoria has some news on the soon-to-be-unleashed Horror Channel:

Fright fans will soon have a cable station to call their own with The Horror Channel, the first 24-hour national digital genre cable network, which will debut in October 2004. FANGORIA has been given the exclusive scoop on the ambitious project, which will involve many of the industry�s key chillmeisters and broadcast a mix of classic and new fright flicks and television shows, as well as original programming.

�I truly believe we can bring the genre into the limelight, where it deserves to be,� CEO and founder Nicholas A. Psaltos tells Fango. �There�s no reason why the Horror Channel should not exist and thrive. Comedy Central and Sci Fi are both doing extremely well. Both are very valuable enterprises and they�re each only about a dozen years old. And they are both descendants of movie genres. Today there are the Golf Channel, Food Network and DiscoveryWings. None of these borrows its content from a proven, successful or hugely profitable movie genre. But the Horror Channel does."

Define "extremely well." The Sci-Fi Network has turned to airing John Edwards infomercials disguised as legitimate programming and quasi-reality crap like "Scare Tactics" in order to stay afloat. The first movie aired on the channel was "Star Wars," but this week you can look forward to "Highlander II" and "Highlander:Endgame," both "Sometimes The Come Back" films, and "Steel Dawn," the movie that made Patrick Swayze a household name in Namibia. They do manage to mix in the good film and some classic series here and there, but the channel's decision to air decidedly non-sci-fi fare like "Meet Joe Black" and "Junior" has got it circling the drain. When can we look forward to "Rabbit Test?"

And I'd be more excited about old episodes of "The Outer Limits" and "Twilight Zone" is they didn't consistently air in the 3-5 AM slot.

Comedy Central has actually managed to create original programming that, for one reason or another, appeals to a wide audience. "The Daily Show" is the best news program on right now, and shows like "South Park" and "The Man Show" continue to do well, proving America's affinity for vulgar pre-teens and women with large breasts. Color me surprised.

Channel co-founder Kim Bangash continues:

�It�s hard to believe that no one has put a Horror Channel on the air before,� Bangash adds. �There have been attempts before that for one reason or another petered out. With the growing penetration of digital cable, today�s environment seems to be the most viable time to launch the Horror Channel. People can now get service with up to 1,000 channels, which makes this idea all the more of a no-brainer. I don�t need to tell you how popular this genre is. It is the last major feature-film genre that does not have a cable channel dedicated to its fanbase.�

Horror has also been the red-headed bastard child of the movie industry for the last twenty years (and before a brief era of popularity in the 1980's, the thirty years before that). Fox had to market "28 Days Later..." as a "viral thriller" because they didn't want the "horror" tag. Both it and "Cabin Fever" have reawakened some interest in the genre, but without more decent films to sustain people's curiosity (I'm not holding out much hope for "House of the Dead"), it won't last.

The Golf Channel works because a ton of people, for some unknown reason, love that golf. Same goes for the Food Network (and besides, how much does it cost to produce a show with one set, two cameras, and one guy making a souffle)? Horror fans, like many sci-fi fans, also tend to own the movies they want to watch. If I can get all the seasons of "Dark Shadows" and the "Alien" director's cut on DVD, why am I going to wait for it to air at 11 PM on a Tuesday night?

Of course, the question on every Fangorian�s lips is whether the programming will be shown uncensored. �Yes,� answers Psaltos. �Films will be uninterrupted and uncut. Older TV series will have the commercial interruptions that were originally edited into them. Some of the more graphic films will probably only be available on our sister Video On Demand channel.� Adds Bangash, �The advent of digital cable allows us many creative ways to keep the movies coming uncut.�

What the hell does that mean? Have you ever seen a horror movie worth its pus that wasn't too graphic? You guys need to define your parameters: blood's okay, but severed heads are out? Bare buns are all right, but naked breasts are verboten? Will we ever get to see Italian films like "Cannibal Apocalypse" or "Suspiria?"

I'm heartened by the news that Bangash and Psaltos have consulted some of the "giants" of the industry (Romero, Carpenter, del Toro) about programming, but...and no disrespect intended...what was the last decent movie Romero released (if you said "The Dark Half," please clean out your desk and leave my blog immediately)? Didn't everybody think "Ghosts of Mars" was crap? I liked "Blade II," personally, but Guilermo del Toro gives a lot of people hives.

Finally, and because no one asked, here are my suggestions for your fledgling network (offers for high-paying creative consultant positions can be left in the Comments section):

1) The movies absolutely, positively, have to be unedited. Unless your film library conists of nothing but things like the original "Haunting" and "Repulsion," the gore must flow.
2) Keep original programming to a minimum. We would rather watch "Frankenstein vs. the Wolfman" for the eleventh time than put up with another poorly conceived, "hip" series that doesn't know anything about the genre. I think anyone who's seen "Lexx" would agree with me.
3) Don't rely entirely on mainstream horror. We want to see Hammer and classic Universal films, but don't forget Abel Ferrara, Takashi Miike, Stuart Gordon...hell, Ed Wood and Roger Corman too.
4) Bring back Count Floyd.

Pleasant screams.

Enough already

Was John Ritter really that great?

Does a modest career (although one that admittedly spanned thirty years) with a few intermittent peaks in popularity really warrant all the adulation being heaped upon him? To hear Henry "The Fonz" Winkler tell it in last night's Emmy Awards, we Americans have just borne witness to the passing of a titan of American entertainment, and I can't be the only one who isn't buying it.

I've got nothing against the man, honestly, and there are obviously many in the entertainment community who feel he was something special. But while he may have been a reasonably gifted physical comedian, take a look at his track record. There was a supporting role on "The Waltons," a show derided by all but the "Touched By an Angel" crowd; then "Three's Company," which registered as crap even upon my ten-year old mind, already saturated by 70's pop culture garbage. Continuing with TV, we have "Three's a Crowd," "Hooperman," "Fish Police," a few other failed series, guest starring roles on "Buffy" and "Felicity," and finally "8 Simple Rules." The net result: two successful starring television roles in 25 years.

Cinematically (and this doesn't really enter the equation but it supports my argument, so what the hell), there's "Hero At Large," "Wholly Moses," "Skin Deep", the "Problem Child" series, and a host of forgettable low-budget flicks. We'll allow the glowing reviews he got for "Sling Blade" and even up the ante by counting "Americathon," which is rather unappreciated.

I tried my level best to bite my tongue a couple weeks ago when all the news programs were including his and Johnny Cash's deaths in the same retrospectives simply because they both died the same day. Last night was the too much, however. Ritter gets a full on career retrospective (tellingly, it consisted of footage of him with dad Tex, "Three's Company," and "8 Simple Rules") while David Brinkley, Richard Crenna, Robert Stack, Roone Arledge, Johnny Cash, and Fred Rogers were relegated to ten second snippets during the "In Memoriam" segment. That being the portion of the show copped from the Oscars were everyone belatedly applauds the people who died in the past year.

Leaving Cash aside, I find it difficult to believe anyone would assert that Ritter had more of an impact on TV than David Brinkley, the man who helped revolutionize television news. Stack and Crenna were primarily movie figures, so the abbreviated attention paid to them is understandable, but Fred Rogers? Are the Emmy people honestly trying to argue that Ritter was a more influential and beloved person on television than Mr. freaking Rogers?

Of course, this is the same Algonquin Round Table that gave the Best Comedy Series award to the horrible "Everybody Loves Raymond" and the Best Drama Series award to the phantasmagorically delusional "West Wing." So I suppose I shouldn't be as surprised as I am.

I'm just curious.

Wang dang sweet tube pain

"Why did you just shiver, Mom?" "I...don't know."

Ted Nugent Gets Reality Show

NEW YORK - Rocker Ted Nugent (news) is getting into the reality show craze with his own reality show called "Surviving Nugent."

Seven daring souls will try to survive Nugent's all-terrain universe for cash and prizes. The seven include a vegan, a gay man, a New Yorker and a sex kitten. The two-hour reality event will premiere Oct. 5 on VH1.

Nugent is most known for the song "Cat Scratch Fever."

Around Houston, he's most known for the comment, "If you're not gonna speak English, get the f*ck out of America," spoken at an April, 2000 show with KISS that got him banned from the Cynthia Woods Mitchell Pavillion.

Still, if I was going to put money down on a battle royale between the Nuge and other celebrity reality show types (Busey, Ozzy, Anna Niciole), I'd have to lay odds on Ted. He's the only one with any proficiency in ranged weapons, after all.

Lame-O

The MTV special on the 25 lamest videos of all time aired again recently, and while there's no question most of those featured deserve censure, I found it amusing that the network which used to legitmately champion the banner of "Music Television" so readily manages to turn on the bands that helped make it what it is today.

There's no question that our children need to be sheltered from clips like "Ice Ice Baby" and "The Macarena," but where would MTV be without these videos? I remember watching the network in the Dark Ages, when the bread and butter of the station seemed to be concert footage of April Wine and endless replays of Rush's "Red Barcheta." Without crap like Wham!'s "Wake Me Up Before You Go Go" and "Seventeen" by Winger, MTV wouldn't have made it out of the '80s.

Janeane Garofalo, one of the hosts, brought this up when Vanilla Ice himself, Robbie Van Winkle, made an appearance to permanently retire "Ice Ice Baby" (a scene which is now the stuff of legend). MTV never had a problem with exploting a burgeoning musical trend - whether it was new wave, hair metal, or grunge - and then casting it aside when the next new thing came along. Stay tuned for the next installment of "25 Lame" to feature Sum 41 and the Dashboard Confessionals.

And as appropriate as it might have been to include Arsenio Hall and Don Johnson ("Awww" by "Chunky A" and "Heartbeat" had the honor of coming in at #s 2 and 1, respectively), selecting videos by has-been artists is pretty weak. I guess setting aside a couple slots for N'Sync or Jewel would've been hitting too close to home.

It's craptastic

"Practice" creator David E. Kelley: Network executives "celebrate junk"

Kelley, at the Television Critics Association's summer press tour, lamented the proliferation of 'reality' programming and said today's execs no longer champion "quality scripted programming." "Today," he said, "They celebrate the junk."

Well let's just see here...

+ "The Practice:" cliche-ridden lawyer soap opera. - Written and produced by David E. Kelley

+ "Boston Public:" preposterous look at public school life which last season featured appearances by "American Idol" contestant Tamyra Gray. Former "New Kid on the Block" Joey McIntire is a cast member. - Written and produced by David E. Kelley

+ "Girls Club:" petulant chick-lawyer show featuring Chyler Leigh of "Kickboxing Academy." Canceled after two episodes. - Written and produced by David E. Kelley

+ "Ally McBeal:" aggravating 'lawyers-in-love' train wreck centered on an unsympathetic anorexic who, through her apparent inability to function as a human being without a man and annoyingly repetitive fantasy sequences, set the perception of adult women in prime-time television back ten years. Managed to make "Doogie Howser, M.D." look like "I, Claudius." - Written and produced by David E. Kelley

Hot damn, I think he's right.